My Mormon Mission 

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This one, and this topic hits me pretty hard. I remember the pressure to go on a mission. The feeling of knowing I will never be able to get married and have a family if I don't go. Ultimately deciding to go because I really wanted to serve people, and I thought that was what it was all about. You serve people and then will probably end up teaching them what the Church is about. Oh how naive I was. I went to the Philippines. Went to the Provo MTC for 3 months... oh, by the way I grew up and spent my whole life in Provo, and could see my grandmother's house from the building I was staying in there. That was just weird being so close, and so far away at the same time from my loved ones. Same thing after, tossed to the wolves not really speaking the language after that. My first day in the field in the meeting with all new missionaries my President asked the question to every Elder (and the very few sisters) "Why are you here?" Most people gave the answers you'd expect "To teach the Gospel." "Bring souls to Christ." etc. I answered with "To serve the people." and was immediately told "No. You are here to teach them about the gospel." And I got into my first fight with my mission president, because I fired back with "No. I am here to serve the people, and I am paying to be here." This earned me an "invitation" to repent for my pride and disobedience. (In his defense, I have always had a problem with authority, sometimes unfairly so.) At this time I also learned that one of our most important rules was to not give to the poor, or to beggars. We were not allowed to give anything. I was in the third poorest place in the world (at the time) and giving to those in need was strictly forbidden (unless it was giving a Book of Mormon.) First time I bought groceries and saw a mother (with rags on to cover her from the waist down, but no other clothing and two little children under the age of 7 with the little pot belly's and exposed ribs I had only seen in National Geographic magazines begging for scraps, it broke me. And I gave them my groceries, breaking the rule and being reprimanded for it. Oh also, ours we were only allowed to do 3 hours of service every other week, and it took up part of our P-day. I hated that rule and encouraged the other elders to break it with me, and serve the people more. (Help them rebuild their huts after heavy rains, clean out debris from the well, bring their fish in for the day etc.) Got really sick shortly after (would later learn I developed gastro-intestinal disease and a severe thyroid infection) was unable to sleep for 3-4 days at a time, and started to see hallucinations from time to time (which I of course interpreted the shadows as demons with my world view) and was unable to pass any waste (tmi, I know, sorry) while losing 20 lbs in 2 weeks (and my frame wasn't very big to begin with at 5'9, 155 lbs.) I requested to see a doctor for the next 10 days and was denied (this would require for the church to pay for travel to send me to a city/metro area with those services since I was way out in the boondocks, which in a way was pretty cool. Getting to be a missionary with a machete to cut through the jungle as part of our tracting was a fun idea, even though I never really ended up using it), because I was told I needed to have more faith and I would be fine, as well as this was happening to me for my pride and disobedience to the mission rules. Eventually my companion got tired of it, and decided we were going to a doctor, so we up and left our assignment and showed up on the mission president's door. I spent the next few days in heated worthiness interviews with my mission president, and long story short he threw accusations, I disrespected authority. Our final words to each other were: Him-"What does your attitude out here say about your mother." Me- (With clenched fists, and an incredibly weakened body from being sick with both AP's grabbing me to hold me back, though I am sure one of them could have easily enough "It says she raised me to be my own man. I'm done. Don't want to see a doctor anymore. Just send me home." Which got the gears moving. A few hours later he had scheduled travel for me to go see the South Pacific area assigned church doctor in Manilla (a few hours by jeep, and then a short flight away) and meet with the area president Oaks (not Dallywhacker, but his brother, one of the 70, can't remember if first or second quorom.) Next few days are a blur as my health (both mental and physical) just broke down as throughout all this I had still not once spoken to my parents, and they were under the impression I was homesick from what they were told (I would find this out much later.) But that Dr. saved my life, and he fought for me. The scolding he gave my mission president as he called him with me in the exam room, and yelling "Why did you not get him here to me sooner?" is the only line I remember. And then him sitting in on one of the interviews I had with Oaks and the Dr. calling him a "bully" which eventually turned into a screaming match between the two ending with "As the Dr. I have full authority to override your own you arrogant bastard. Call Salt Lake, I am getting this kid out of here." And he took me out of the office said "Do not speak to that man again. You deal with me, and only me." Dropped me off at the sick home, went to the airport, bought my plane ticket for the next day with his own money, came back and told me he'd pick me up at 6 a.m. and Oaks was contacting Salt Lake, and my family would be waiting for me. Told me to get home, get to my family Dr. as soon as I am there, give him some papers he gave me, and to get on a special diet and whatever else the Dr. there recommended. 24 hour flight, I don't remember most of it. Just remember the 6 hour layover in L.A. and meeting up with 2 former Mormons headed back home to Sandy Utah. Them just saying that I "looked like shit." They sat by me, kept me company. They were there when we arrived at Salt Lake and saw nobody was there. They offered to drive me home, well out of their way, and gave me money to use the payphone. My parents were shocked, they had absolutely no idea. My brother was furious (not at me.) He and my mom made that 45 minute drive to the airport in under 30, no idea how he didn't get pulled over. They just broke down when they saw me. This 125 lbs (at that point) skeleton that could barely walk. The fire this lit in my mom was incredible. She was always the sweetest little lady, but she went after the Stake President and bishop with all 5 feet 100 lbs of her with a vengeance. Anyway, was bed ridden the next 6 months. Eventually got better (mostly, still have a lifelong disease, and thyroid problems, but it's manageable, I'm fine.) AND... I still believed. I still attended. I still couldn't break my indoctrination until years later after a temple marriage, and the birth of my daughter. She was the catalyst because I couldn't bare her growing up in the same system, but even worse because as a girl she couldn't ever be equal or treated that way. Lastly, I will never forget my time out there in the field. Much like Tanner, I gave the most sincere and heartfelt prayers I have ever given over a 3 week period. And all I asked (begged really) was for God to kill me. The physical pain, and mental break down had shattered me and all I wanted was to die. All I could see as my future was a failure, and death my only option and escape. After years, and years of putting myself back together though, I can safely say that I wouldn't change any of it. It shaped me into who I am, and all that I have with the loved ones I have around me. And while it was all so pointless and avoidable, it happened, and I'm ok. Apologies if anyone managed to actually read this far, I didn't intend to tell so much of the experience. I guess it's just therapeutic getting it out there (few people know, as it's not something I have ever really felt like sharing widely.) Thanks for reading if you did.

I went into my mission just annoyingly obedient! But once I was on my mission I was legit praying that maybe I could die on my mission so that I wouldn’t come back from my mission, leave the church and marry a man. Now I’m glad that didn’t happen because I am in nursing school, have a great relationship with my boyfriend and love my life outside the church.

If I am honest, I went on a mission for one reason. The girls at BYU would not date me unless I was an RM. Period.

It was 18 years ago (almost to the day) that the doorbell rang and I (living in Germany) heard a voice with an American accent through the intercom wanting to talk about Jesus. Just one year earlier I had returned from a year abroad in the US so it was really nice to meet someone from America. At that time I was going through a very difficult time in my life and I had, just one week earlier, been praying for someone to help me through this, two months before HS graduation. Side note: I am not, never have been, a member of any church. The one missionary in particular helped me a lot. By talking about their belief they actually helped me to regain my own strenght and trust in myself. I needed this. It sometimes felt like therapy in a weird way. The only thing I never liked was the third wheel that always had to be there during the meetings, since I was the same age as the elders and that was not allowed. They also "taught" an english class at church once a week and for a while I was the only one there as a student. But I only went to chat with them since I didn't need to be taught the language anymore. We even did cross over to some church topics here and there and the two without the third wheel seemed so much more relaxed and less pressured to say the right things. Long story short, I am still friends with this former missionary. He even visited me with his friend two years after his mission and visited me again some years after that with his wife, both times staying at my house. Even though I never became a member and never will. We just don't bring religion into the conversation all that much because I think we both understand that if we went there, we couldn't be friends anymore. I am forever grateful that I got to meet him through his mission and that he prepared me for an even harder time in my life that hit me shortly after he left. I really don't know if I had been able to really cope with all these things had I not had him showing me that believing in something can get you through some shitty times. And it doesn't matter what you believe in as long as it give you hope. (and for me that was never Joseph Smith)

"'We don't judge the people that don't go. We just assume that either have some chronic condition or watch porn." "And ladies we do not marry them" Beautifully accurate.

I never had panic attacks until I was on my mission. It was extremely unhealthy for me mentally and emotionally. I'm still recovering from it 8 years later.

My mission (Finland) was the worse 2 years of my life. I couldn't learn to think in Finnish so I didn't learn the language, so wasn't able to talk to anyone. Six months of darkness, six of sunlight. My companions were not serious, most just "doing their time" so they could "go home and have a life," some without a testimony at all. SO much snow and below zero temps, riding bikes for miles to find another house. Poor diet due to limited resources. Rarely saw the mission president (too far). I kept getting sick, sometimes in hospital, but couldn't talk to the doctor or nurses. No alone time was depressing, especially in a 1 room "apartment" for days on end when we couldn't go out because the temp was too low, and not being able to have an intelligent conversation with anyone. The country, culture and the people seemed so awesome though.

Can SO relate. Always on the fast track growing up. Eagle Scout, stayed away from alcohol and drugs even tho my friends didn't, kept my V-card despite opportunities to lose it and left on my mish as soon as I turned 19. Always had doubts but stuffed them down DEEP. DL after my first six months in country. ZL after my first year. Didn't quite make it to AP even though I was more or less next in line. EQ Prez in my college ward. Got married in the temple about a year after returning home (How stupid was THAT?!!?). The best day of my life was finally confessing to my wife that I had serious doubts and she confessing the same to me. Happily religion free for 10 years now! :-)

My mom is from Porto Alegre and her family has been there since the 1700's and let me tell you the temperament is 100% accurate. As a half Brazilian half American exmormon who grew up in Texas I can say this is all very accurate information. I started taking mission prep classes at BYU when I first started college and there was this pit in my stomach anytime I went to that class. The teacher shamed everyone, the students were so obedient, and I also had to tolerate it for a grade THAT IS REQUIRED AS A GE BY BYU TO TAKE. You HAVE to take religious courses, some of them ONLY about LDS doctrine. The eastern religions class I was able to pass a credit for was the best class I ever took and the only religion class I ever passed.

I said that exact prayer EVERY. DAY. of my mission. I was told there is no such thing as an honorable release after I was assaulted by my companion. It was a different kind of hell

Wow... I thought I was the only one that felt this way about my mission. Just found your channel. Been binging. I went to Mexico in the early 00s. I remember my first area being a complete deadzone, which it had been for over a year. I didn't speak Spanish very well and my comp spoke very little English. In my interview, I remember being told that I was doing something wrong, and the fact that my area was a deadzone, was because of me. I think I rebelled at that moment. Granted I was far from the worst missionary, but the president chose to call me out at the Xmas dinner/meeting in every way without saying my name. He said I was full iniquity, and that I was in X area, and now I was in Y area, and that he prays for my redemption. Everyone knew he was talking about me. I had a few close friends that told me that it was f**ked up what he did. I hated that man after that. That killed all motivation I had for my mission. But I only had 6 months to go. Later, I found out that 4 years after I left, the mission leaders still talked about me like I was Satan incarnate - creating 'secret combinations' among the elders. Remember, I was not the worst missionary. But some of the missionaries talked about me like I was the leader of a cult for cool elders who just wanted to have fun. All rumors. Either way, I guess my legacy lived on... I think it was the fact that I smuggled my Gameboy into my mission that made me to popular. My companions probably played it more than I did.

My elder brother had to come home from MTC due to anxiety in 1989. He then served a ward mission in the singles ward he was in. He was told he was garbage for not serving a real mission by the bishop of our family's ward. The ward I grew up in was very successful in pushing the children of our family out of the faith. They were also top-notch at having half the teenage girls in the ward turn up pregnant. I'm originally from AZ too.

The sleeping on the floor thing as a traveling ZL was TOTALLY a thing in my mission. I also had several companions who would pray for forgiveness if we ever slept in or left late or got home late. Those oddities aside, I loved my mission experience in Italy. The culture and the people are still a huge part of who I am today, even though I would never send one of my children on a mission now knowing what I know about the church.

I love you guys so much! Like all of my friends are Mormon, and some of what they talk about just makes me want to be like, "Oh honey.... No." And lots of times I feel really lonely because I don't have anyone to talk to, but when I do I just come watch you guys and it makes my day better, and I feel like I actually have people to talk to (even though it's like a 1 sided conversation, but it's still nice to know your there). So thanks so much💜

As JWs we had to do this (or not be save at Armageddon) from a very young age--and until you die. We also had pioneers (90 hours a month) and auxialliary pioneers (60 hours a month)--volunteering to knock on doors "spreading the Good New." I was born in the religion and it never felt right or made sense, but I was obedient and well indoctrinated and forced myself to believe and shut down doubts--"Turn it off!" And I hate that I raised my daughters in it and they never had a day to sleep in because of the fanatsicism. Saturday mornings we were up early and were spent in Field Service (door knocking--no matter the weather--how hot or how cold--and you must report your hours to the Elders--10 hours is a minimum, any less will raise concerns and a Home Visit will be arranged) and Sundays we were up early for Meeting (2 hours)--also Monday night was Family Study (bible and religious study), Tueday night "books study", Wednesday night was for Bible reading and preparing for the next night's meeting, Thursday night was Theocratic Meeting--2 hours of Bible instruction and demonstrations of presenting the "good news" effectively--basically sales tips, and members give talks, Friday night you prepare for Field Service.....repeat....repeat...repeat. JWs don't believe they are evengelical fundamentalists--they have The Truth and are the One True Christian Faith--but they are. PUKE. I drove myself to believe and be active and submit and obey--until I literally crashed--had a complete mental breakdown and was suicidal. I am so thankful to have finally woken up from the cult craziness and begun healing and truly enjoying life/ Yay, Me!

"Get the most converts so I get promoted?" Sounds like an Amway convention

My mission in southern Italy was a strange combination of being absolutely miserable every day and being in one of the most beautiful locations in the world and being amazed every day. Luckily, I converted exactly zero people!

The day I realised that these missions are not building schools in underdeveloped countries and that it's just people annoying people to try to get them to convert to their religion, is the day I lost all respect for mormonism as a religion

I served in Spain, Barcelona. All my mission president cared about was numbers. It was obvious he was trying to impress people higher up than him. Now he's a 70. He's given two talks at General Conference. He's young enough and rich enough that he has a good chance of being a 12. I hate him.

I watched this video while high and it brought me peace. Thanks

I’m a girl, so there was no real pressure to go on a mission. I do remember the stress of baptizing and it made me feel like I wasn’t a good enough missionary, or that there must’ve been something wrong with me. I think once I stopped caring about baptisms and started caring more about following the spirit, it helped SO much. I think if someone wants to go on a mormon mission, then they should. No one should EVER be forced into making this decision.

Yesterday I packed away every remnant of my mission into a suit case. One that will go directly into storage and may never be opened again when we move in 3 weeks. I use to think my mission was a crowning event in my life but I also have ignored much of what my short membership in the church has done to me. I look back and feel so awful about things I taught and how hard I was on myself. Thanks for doing this video! It's resonated with me so much. My husband and I left a few months ago and are considering removing our records. Our lives have gotten so much better since leaving we can't even believe it. Every day I feel a little bit further from my mission and I'm actually grateful for that now. Thanks again for this video!

5:18 I totally relate to this, my mom would get very angry at me and my siblings for laughing too loud, or too much or being silly. She thought that thinking something was funny and laughing was “irreverent” and a sin. We were small children, what else are small children supposed to do but laugh and be silly?

I did my mission in Wisconsin - the only state that has the word CON and SIN in its name - also the beer capitol of America. I was a terrible missionary. I completed all two years, but I was quite disobedient. I was assigned to be with Zone Leaders for the greater amount of the mission - that worked out pretty well in that I was in a car the majority of the time. I remember the first time I went to a Barns and Nobel book store in Oshkosh and there was porno magazines out in the open - I'm like DAMN! We aren't in Utah anymore! lol. My faith crisis began after my SECOND church disciplinary court. This was about 10 years after the first one. (I had sex with my girlfriend soon after getting home from my mission and caused me to get disfellowshipped for about 2 years.) So 10 plus years later and after my first divorce, I confessed again that I had sex outside of marriage while being single. During that "court" they brought up the minutes of the meeting from my previous church court, and were asking questions about what happened in that past. Soooo God will forgive and forget your sins - BUT the Corporation of The First Presidency does not. You have a permanent record. I also have dated a Jehovas Witness and that was eye opening in that realizing that BOTH religions are equally convinced that they are correct and that all others are false. That was an interesting realization - so if all these faiths are convinced that theirs is the only true church - what is ACTUAL TRUTH? Ultimately, the position I accept now is that I look like it much like the check out in Wal-Mart. It's pointless to switch lines in the checkout trying to get through faster. Its much more effective to just pick a line and stick with it. So I still claim myself to be a Mormon, I don't attend church except maybe a couple times a year. I drink what I want to drink and wear what I want to wear. I have a great relationship with God and Jesus in that I regularly pray and believe in them as my saviors. The best I can do is to have faith and be a good person. I still thirst for knowledge and information and its quite liberating to be able to study all things that fascinate me and not be worried about the conflict of interests. Also - I no longer am strapped with the MORMON GUILT - which ruined my adolescence.

Not sure why you guys popped up on my reccomended (i had clicked on a three mormons vid so thats probably why) but hey im not complaining this is so interesting

Nice nails, Tanner!

One of the most heartbreaking things for me from meeting with missionaries was having this 20 year old Elder who was going home that week talk about his worthiness worries. About how in that area he’d prepared 20 people for baptism and none of them had gone through with it and it must be because he’s not worthy. He might just has been trying to guilt me into agreeing before he left but he just looked so sad...

There were spirits literally in the fridge, lol.

I've had missionaries break down to me and even ask for hugs even though they "aren't allowed' I've even had them crying to me x

I served half a mission and I just couldn't do it. I realized that the church just chokes you. It took me awhile to come to know the church is wrong but I'm glad I left. Thank you so much for your videos.

I freaking love the story about our mission president coming into the apartment and yelling about the bugs and dogs and monkeys and all of that. I could just see and hear him in my mind.

Sam, the book you are talking about is "Book of A Mormon" by Scott Miller. Excellent book, btw

Thank you so much for these videos, I am trying to resolve trauma that I didn't even know existed until I started dealing with issues with the church with an amazing therapist. These videos make me feel extremely validated in how I feel, and that I'm not the only one who experienced many of the things I did before and after leaving the church. I really appreciate it. From the time I was 14 and realized that there was no fucking way I was going on a mission I was convinced I was going to need to commit suicide to get out of serving a mission. I didn't serve a mission, best decision of my life. Thank fucking goodness I didn't too, getting out of the church and having a beautiful non-Mormon family is so amazing and rewarding. The cultural pressure is sickening to serve a mission for boys in the church. When kids feel like death is the only way to get out of something to not feel shame from everyone they have ever known, there is something seriously fucked up shit going on.

I find your comment about "performance-based friendships" to be interesting. Such a concept might merit an entire video discussion since so much of that attitude spills out into mormon social and political culture.

So, "macumbeiro" is a VERY offensive word. The name of the religion you're referring to is "Candomblé", and macumbeiro is a derogatory term used by Christians to belittle this religion. It's actually a very beautiful and interesting religion. I am from Porto Alegre and "Texas of Brazil" is a great definition haha

My Mission President denied me extra time on P-Days to practice my punting (I had a Division 1 scholarship to punt for the football team of a good university). He said it was because my life after the mission wasn’t as important as an extra hour to practice my form. I lost my form by the time I was off my mission because I wasn’t permitted to practice at all, I got cut from the team and lost my scholarship.

You two are wonderful. Thank you so much for educating us nevermos so that we can support our exmo loved ones (my current partner). You are truly making a difference.

EVERY DAY on my mission, we had to repent to our district leader for everything we did wrong. If we had a non-lds song stuck in our head, repent. If we stayed over at a lesson one minute too late (so 46 minutes), repent. If we left the apartment one minute late, repent. & of course we didn't repent to HF. We had to confess our sins to the district leader who would report them to the zone leaders.

I'm an active member and I can totally relate to Tanner's observations. There are some big problems with missionary culture and conversion strategies.

love love love some Paul Simon !!! i’ve never been Mormon but I am so captivated by y’all’s videos and by the looks of the comments you’re doing something really important by sharing your stories- y’all are awesome and so funny

Amazing! Your mission experience was very similar to mine. I liked your recommendation to move to another country and learn from the people there instead of just preaching to them. I have done that and it gave me a much more positive view of the world whereas the mission just made me hate people and life in general. Thanks for sharing. I have trouble articulating what a mission was for me.... and you nailed it. I also hate the idea "more suffering, more blessings".

Loud laughter is a symptom of *happiness*

Thanks for making this video. I really loved my mission, even the MTC. But I also feel guilt and regret about it. It’s hard to make sense of that time of my life.

I am calling for a magic show video next

The leaders of these cults will never allow their members to feel like they're doing enough.

So right on with the screwed idea of suffering. I hated that when I was in. Nope, it's a way to break you to rebuild you. Thanks for sharing your stories.

Knowing you came to Brazil made me even more interested in learning about your experience! I’ve always seen Mormon missionaries walking around in pairs, and I think there is a certain appeal to them because of being foreign and “exotic” in that sense

Hey Elder Gilliland, it's Elder Dahlgren I don't know if you remember me. In a dumb way your story's make me feel nostalgic about our mission. Your stories were influential in my faith transition.

Thanks for another awesome video!

Thanks so much you guys for your work and videos. Keep up the good work. I'm 65 y. o., and not a millennial, but in some ways I feel so young because about 3-4 years ago, I finally came to the stark realization that I had been lied to my entire life about Mormonism, inside and out. About 22 years ago, I left the LDS Church for a "Fundamentalist" sect (not FLDS, hell no), as I realized the modern day LDS Church doesn't believe or practice what it originally espoused (at all!!) and gave my whole heart and soul to my new denomination for almost 20 years. The neat thing about that was that I didn't have to change my core beliefs or my core religion at all. But finally that all came crashing down as well some few years ago. It was like my whole life began again, and I feel so young and new. It is kind of like somebody gave me my heart, soul, and mind back. Self determination is really where it is at. That doesn't mean selfishness, as I now feel that selfishness is a inherent part of most strict religious adherents. I really relate to so much of what you weave into your videos, and the freshness of life is exhilarating. I agree with you that Mormonism is very harmful to people and relationships, even those Mormon relationships that claim to be so wonderful. Some of the "wonderful" Mormon relationships are in reality very stifling. Besides, the vast majority of LDS members couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag, doctrinally and historically speaking, and they even think that it is righteous" to walk around with their blinders constantly on. Go figure. Now I feel so free to make up my own opinions and to think about. pursue, or read what I choose,. Your insights and Mormon experiences you express in your videos , as well as your humor are right on. Thanks. No more Moron Church for me. Sorry, Russel. Sorry also to Thomas, Gordon, Howard, Ezra, Joseph, David, Harold, and Spencer, but the rest of you probably know this to be the case from where you are right now.

A Mormon missionary spoke to me at my house, and said he couldn't give me his first name because I could use it against him like some magic. Were you ever told that your first name could be used against you?

So relatable it hurts lol. I was sent to El Salvador during peak homicides....love the people, made great friends and learned so much but am still unpacking the trauma. Thank you for sharing!

I’m not a believing or practicing Mormon anymore, but I actually really loved my mission. It shaped me into who I am today. Honestly, my mission is what first opened my eyes to how it doesn’t matter if people drink alcohol or coffee or smoke or have sex, etc. They’re still good people and I still loved them and realized I was uncomfortable with so many of the things I was teaching people. If not for that experience, I may never have come to that realization, or at least not as quickly. Plus, the country I went to in Scandinavia was amazing and I loved the people and the language and culture. I do feel lucky though, because I know not everyone had an overall positive experience and some people have downright awful experiences and that really sucks.

Thanks for sharing. I find I can’t really talk about my mission with anyone except my fiancé, it’s good to hear from another guy who served a mission and later realises how batshit crazy it is

I was thinking about you two this morning, and then your video pops up tonight!!! Yay!! 😀

My roommates both served in Brazil and they (and their mission friends) take literally every opportunity to talk about Macumba and how evil it is. Once I said "that's a really interesting cultural heritage, though, they're not really hurting anyone" and I have never heard a faster scrambling in the direction of "it's evil and they're worshipping Satan." Lots of stuff about casting out demons, seeing shapeshifting, etc... and then I asked if they'd seen it with their own eyes and they would ALWAYS say "well, I haven't, but there was this one elder five years ago..."

While I was at BYU I had a roommate who also said he wished during his mission that he would die because he'd be automatically an heir to the Celestial Kingdom as he was the most righteous up to that point.

I’m binging on your videos . Tanner , Since I’m not required to judge you anymore , lol , I gotta say you are a very handsome young man . Love your style . My adulting children are free now too. Thanks for your channel.

This was super interesting. In the German town I live in there are tons of missionaries. I normally go out of my way to talk to them, but you always get that really fake one sided feeling when they talk to you. Like they offer their services if you need anything but it's not because I'd friendship arms it's definitely at a cost.

Haha, hearing your story I feel like we can relate on so many levels. I served a mission in Arkansas, though it wasn't as intense as Brazil, it was certainly interesting. Lol, last year I drove through some of my mission areas, even had a beer on Beale St in Memphis, TN which was an area of my mission.

In my city, in California, I see Missionaries at our public library all the time. I feel bad for these young men.

Uh I have soooo much to say about my mission. Perhaps I should write a book haha though I have like complete PTSD, anxiety, and depression now I am grateful I went because I would probably still be a strong member if I didn’t.

Tanner, you're such a nice person! I was meant to go on a mission. You're such a nice person that nailed it.

Thank you for posting! I lived for about five years in a predominantly Mormon town in Idaho, The percentage was higher than even Salt Lake City. Being a non-Mormon, there was pressure on me in several different ways. Towards the end before I move back to Wyoming, since I’m Native American I grew a ponytail in defiance, they didn’t know how to handle that. When I was growing up, I just took it for granted what they did or how they operate, not anymore! I spotted a few in a Wyoming town buying liquor, they don’t want to buy it local, and I understand it’s pretty common.And yes, they want to be called LDS rather than Mormon, must have been a revelation somewhere. I am subscribing today, it’s great information for people who have actually been there.

So glad I didn't go on a mission, instead I got a job at 18 with my brother in law and taught me more about the real world then going on a mission. Learned hard work working 7 days 12 hours. And still haven't went on a mission to this day

Tanner rockin’ that nail polish. YESSS BB.

Just watched this video again and read some excerpts from Scott Miller's book. I was surprised at how many repressed negative feelings it brought up about my mission even though it was SO long ago! :-(

I can totally relate! What you said about the falseness is one of the things I felt most. I couldn't feel any real connection with any investigators because I never opened up personally to anybody on my mission except when I had a breakdown in my second area and spent a day or two just laying on a mattress in the living room. I thought it must have been me, so I tried confessing all my sins to my companion. It was therapeutic at least. But I never really connected to anybody. I even felt bad for wanting to just spend my time getting to know my companions, probably because I knew I would have more in common with them. Once, I tried to ask my trainer some questions about himself because I wanted to get to know him better and he told me I should get to know the investigators. That totally made me feel alone. I didn't know how to relate to people very well and I just wanted some emotional support. I felt like I never got any attention from my mission president. I tried to tell him how I was feeling in an interview once, but he said he was late for something else and left in a hurry. About casting out demons: my trainer was big on that. He had a lot of stories and after a while, I just realized that they weren't true. He was either exaggerating or just making stuff up. I could go on but this comment is already a book so I'll just with a big THANK YOU for making me see that I'm not alone in feeling disappointed with my mission.

Great video! The mission really is one of the biggest lies in the church. I was so disillusioned with the lack of spirituality and emphasis on numbers. I also suffered from severe depression and crippling anxiety my whole mission but didn't have any knowledge of mental health and well being to express what was going on. I remember thinking the same as Tanner, hoping that I would fall and break my leg or get hurt somehow so that way I could just go home. The mission was also the first time in my life that I became conscious of the brainwashing tactics the church employs as they are magnified 100x on a mission. I think of the mission as the cherry on top of the brainwashing sundae that we've been fed our whole lives. It really was the worst time of my life. To anyone thinking about going on a mission I would advise you not to go. It is huge waste of time. The people out in there in the world are better off without a predatory church in their life that only wants them for their money.

I always dreaded a mission. I remember as a child I refused to commit even though they said I needed to. My reasoning was that I wasn't going to commit to something that I didn't entirely understand.

I too was given a problem missionary as a companion, he was 28 years old and had hit his last companion. I eventually got him to sort of act like a missionary.

I feel sorry for you, Tanner. I veg out every day 6 to 8 hrs. It's FABULOUS!!

I never went on a Mormon mission but I lived with Tanner for 3 months, so that's sort of the same thing.

After graduating Bible college, I would let the Mormon Missionaries come over and I always baked brownies or muffins and they looked forward to visiting with me! lol I wanted to know more what Mormons believe and I shared with them the Biblical Gospel. When they finally after a long time convinced me to take a Book of Mormon, I read some of it and ripped it up and threw it away outside. I felt like it was an evil book. They didn't like me after that! LOL

i find your videos so fascinating. as someone from the outside of mormonism, i would love if you could expand on so many little things you mention that i've never heard of. lol i feel like i'm missing half the video bc i don't know the people or the culture lol

Thanks for sharing your feelings on your mission! It's crazy how many things I experienced that were the same. I think my mission was what planted the seed of critical thinking. I served one of those two transfer missions because I had a history with panic attacks that had just started up. They assign you somewhere in your state and then send the call to your stake president, not you. Thankfully my stake president was awesome and brought it to me so I could open it. You don't go to the MTC and you don't even have to be endowed. I was though, had been for a few months just cuz I felt like it. And as brain washed as I was, all the crap I saw still triggered my critical thinking skills and I was like "yo this is some messed up shit". You mentioned the zone conference about baptisms and I had something crazy similar! Zone conference, and we were deciding what number of baptisms we wanted to shoot for that month. On the board they had written 23, 22, and 24. We were trying to "feel the spirit" about which one was the right number. And they told us that if we worked hard enough we could all reach that goal. Super toxic shit that was. I knew I had depression,but yeah it was depression because I wasn't worthy. I wasn't working hard enough. I have ocd and holy CRAP, if you were a completely healthy person you would definitely have ocd by the time you left. It's freaking insane out there folks

My mom who is catholic also says the laughter = empty mind thing. I wonder if it's a religious thing or a cultural thing.

On my mission we were doing role play at district meeting. One person had to pretend to be a random pedestrian and the other had to stop them and try to teach a lesson on a street. So, I was told to act as an old man. When a young elder tried to "contact" me, I said that I already lived my life, have a great experience and a young man like him can't teach me anything new. Instead of telling me that it will be the Holy Ghost teaching (as we were trained to say), he started to boast of his own intelligence and said something offensive about my character's. In my reply, I yelled at him and called him a milk sucker as a real life old man, undoubtedly, would.

Great mission pic!!! I bet you were a great Missionary!!!

I made friends with a missionary about 16 years ago when he served in the England Manchester mission. He baptised me! I didn’t stay in the church long, (for lots of reasons), but w3 were good friends, I’m female btw, we just clicked. He’d spend every evening round at mine, and during his time here, he had 2 different companions, the first one was ok ish, about it, but the second one used to get pissed off about always being at my house! 😂😂 I’m still friends with the missionary today, although he’s American, and I’m English, we keep in touch on Facebook. I’m glad he’s stayed friends with me even though I left the church about a year after joining 😂

That's so interesting about superstitions and spirits on your mission. I served in Utah and it was basically assumed you would have at least one personal experience with evil spirits/demons. Once I spent a PDay helping some elders move out of their apartment and the senior couple from Mission HQ was there. When we asked why they were moving this cute little old lady just smiled and said "Oh, spiritual troubles is all." Turns out they were having terrifying experiences on an almost nightly basis that continued for months even after they blessed the apartment again every time a new missionary moved in, and the Mission President had blessed it twice and none of it had worked so they finally moved out. o.o

Dear Zelph & Tanner... I love you both even if you are not enthusiastic and full of endorphins! I will continue to watch!

I went into the mission a little differently than most. Both my parents and older sister all served missions, so I felt it was just natural that I go too. They told all the gritty details, all the horror stories, and all the good and bad things to expect, so despite being diagnosed with anxiety/depression, I was in pretty good mental health the whole time cause my family had prepared me for it. One of my biggest challenges was being in the YSA Wards and not being able to just go and hang out with them. They really felt like friends to me, but I was there to work, not play :/

Depends on the prominence of one's family and politics in the ward that can often determine how quickly a call will come. Years ago, my Bishop told me to go to school instead because there were other young men in his ward whose families were more socially recognized which gave those men priority. So, I did as he instructed and went to school in St.Louis, Mo. Eventually, I did go on a mission later in life.

When I first got into the mission (northern Argentina).....one of my first thoughts was, "I could be doing this exact same thing, but in the Phoenix area" (by my hometown). Missions are tough, even for the faithful. Even when you truly help make a world of difference in dozens and hundreds of people's lives, they can be stressful, emotional roller coasters. I think the most important thing, before somebody goes on a mission, is that they have a testimony, and that they know that it is something that GOD wants them to do. If they do not have a testimony, the mission field is not the best place to gain one. As a convert to the church, my hope is that my children want to go on a mission because it is what they believe in, and not because it is what I or the Bishop or another person expects them to go on a mission.

My brother served his mission in Japan. It just so happened that my sister was living in Japan and her husband was stationed in his ward. The church kind of lost their mind that he was able to talk to a sibling- oh no! Anyway my brother-in-law was the only one he ended up babptising and they are best friends to this day. After that the church got my brother out of there A.S.A.P. On a related note my nephew served in Brazil and now lives in Sao Paulo

thank you for this video..

In some countries like Finland mini- missions (3 months) have been very common for over a decade at least. Military service (6months - 2 years) is mandatory there so a lot of young men go on a mini Mission, then military service and then (but not always) a two year mission.

I think ill talk to the missionaries more in my area now... they must be so lonely I hadnt even thought of this. But its hard to get close to them they never give their number just the address to the church xD

Hi. I watched this a second time. I can relate to the spirit being a baptism blocker, while the sleesy salestecniques worked wonders. I was very desillisioned and never baptized anyone. I always answered truthfully when someone asked a critical question about the faith... This did not improve my numbers. Served as a JW pioneer for 10 years. I actually contacted some of the people I visited and apologize for trying to recruit them to a cult. They laught 😂

Hey, at least that one American missionary that you were with in Brazil was honest with what the mission was like. But, I would be disappointed too if I was in a strange place so far from home just like you were.

Elder zelph on a shelf is back

So true in regards to anxiety & depression. And I wasn't one who hid it well.

I laughed so hard. Jazz hands! Lol yes I know the feeling of no energy no worth of love. Lol. Not true you guys (and the rest of us) are good! I wanted to go in a mission when I was younger only to be able to travel and learn another language. I, as a woman, definitely battled later in life between my emerging sense of self, the call as a woman to be married and pop out babies. I was lead to beleive that woman who go on missions are the old unwanted ones. I left the church when I was 19.

I can relate to this, not going on a mission because I'm too young to go but like 'losing my faith or testimony' as Mormons would describe it. I was born into the covenant meaning I grew up in the church and my dad is the bishop. He always tells us he expects us (my siblings) that we have to marry in the temple to a missionary that has served for 2 years and not less and he has to be a 'stripling warrior' like it says in the book of mormon or he won't accept him. He doesn't want us to marry someone outside of the covenant and he definitely doesn't want us to be gay. My dad also expects all of his children to go on a mission too. Don't get me wrong I love my dad and all but sometimes he can be a bit...much. My older brother is going on a mission (or was supposed to but can't because of COVID-19) and now that I've watched this video I don't want him to go even though I know I can't change his mind. He's kinda like my dad. He doesn't understand why people would leave the church. This one time I told my mum I didn't want to go to general conference and that I should be able to have agency and chose whether or not if I want to go to general conference and my brother looked at me weirdly and was like " Are you going through something" and making a big deal about it and I thought my brother was right and that I wasn't allowed to think like that but now that I think about it I was right to think I can make my own decision in the matter. I felt like I wasn't to think a certain way and if I did it was the work of the devil or something like that. I feel like I've been brainwashed to think, look a certain way. I just want freedom from all this but I know I can't, not until I'm old enough. Man, that was a lot. Sorry for making this so big. Thank you for opening up my eyes.

That whole be reverent and avoiding hearty laughter is strange to me. Laughter is one of the best things about being human. I knew that wasn't healthy.

I had a pretty positive mission experience, and I still was wishing for a broken leg throughout the first six months, and was consistently sad that I couldn't spend all my time volunteering at the food bank or repairing shingles.

I’m autistic so I served a 9 week Family History mission while still getting to go to BYU-Idaho. It’s can be pretty diverse experience.

omg, Tanner is so cute! 😍