Nora McInerny: Move Through Grief Paralysis 

"It's only gonna be okay if you're allowed to NOT be okay for awhile." Wise words, Jonathan.

My boyfriend passed away 11 months ago today. He went to sleep and never woke up at 44 years old. Every day still hurts. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️

"We don't get over things, we get through them." I told my roommate something similar when she asked when I'd get over my dad dying. (I'd been particularly horrible for a while after my dad died, so I can't blame her for asking something like that.) My dad dying isn't something I'm ever going to get over, but it's become something I've learned to live with.

I can't imagine that Mayim and Johnathan will ever see this but.. This series changed my life and gave me the vocabulary that I needed to finally do real and productive work on my mental health. I am forever grateful. Thank you🐝💜

I lost my dad last week, and it’s been so raw.. I have had many insights, taken comfort in so many small things because he spent the last forty years showing me the good, being the light and always doing the right thing.. I am going to miss his dad jokes so much.

This is just the greatest stuff!! It's so thought provoking. My husband was killed when he was 25 and I was 22. We had a 4 year old daughter. I also got the "you're still young and you're so pretty" at the funeral. I thought it was just my luck to have all this peripheral junk distracting me. I drank and did drugs for years behind it. I'm here to report, you can survive, learn, and even grow from an awful experience like the death of a loved one. It's part of who I am today. I'm 70 years old, sober for nearly 40 years, and am living my best life.

I am a straight cis female US Army combat veteran. During my deployment, at the age of 31, I lost my husband; was verbally sexually harassed EVERY DAY; raped; my ovaries failed permanently; and my grandmother passed away. I was numb until I got back to the states and grief slammed into me like a mack truck. My therapist at the Asheville, NC VA hospital is fantastic and has truly helped me, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put the shattered pieces of my life together. I cried during this entire episode. Thank you for what you do, Jamie Miller

Nora, Mayim and Johnathan, thank you. I had watched this episode before, but didn't recognize it until I started replaying it. Seeing the words, "Moving Through Grief Paralysis" caught my eye, and I recognized that it was timely for me. It has been three months since my mother died. I was her only child. For the last four years I cared for her as strokes, cancers, failing mobility and insidious dementia took her from me day by day. Finally panic disorder along with the dementia made it necessary for me to move her to a nursing home. (11 months ago tomorrow.) Although I didn't know what else to do, I don't know how to get over taking her out of her home. Though I spent hours with her each day, she died alone in the middle of the night, and that haunts me. What really caught my attention, Mayim, is when you spoke about the three month point where the anger of grief sets in. Wow. It's only a few days past the three month mark but I am conscious of just being furious with the world. Thank you all for your work. Tonight I am appreciating you more than ever. Nora, I am going to seek out your book. Wishing you all every happiness with much love.

Thank you for this post. This conversation has helped me not to feel so alone or abnormal in my grief. I lost a friend of 17 years whom I dearly loved and my mother. Both to hellish cancer. Both just recently. He in February. Her in April. I thought I was alone in my paralyzed mental state and physical manifestations of hell. ☕️💜

This episode was very helpful. I went through a divorce after spending 11 years with my partner. Navigating grief of what you thought would be your future and your person was unlike other grief I’ve experienced. Keep going everyone, we got this!

My husband and I lost our twins twenty years ago in July. No one will or can understand our pain, experience, our forever sadness. It changed us as parents to our children. I don't fear death because I watched it happen in my arms. I also saw what real pain is in another human.

First things first: HAPPY POD-VERSARY! One year yet! Me too, watching and active commenting from 1st episode. How many things you gave us in a year for free. Such effort. From you, M & J, but also all the team! HUGE THANKS! I didn’t know who Nora was, but after today’s episode something “clicked” in me. Because grief, maybe not in such hard level as her, we all have experienced it. And yes, a bad epitaph can destroy your life legacy in a blink. I wrote mine as my farewell to this world while dealing with a cancer. Yet cured, it rests in my drawer…Till the day it must be needed.

I sobbed during most of this video gonna rewatch in hopes to get my shit together! Thank You Nora for being authentic and Mayim,Jonathan & crew for doing this podcast. I CANT imagine what you went through in one year Nora! Life isn’t alway fair…I appreciate the podcast more then I thought I would have! Happy 1year podanniversary!

I can not stop crying. I felt something similar when I saw my much loved brother leave us.

Describing your fathers and husbands last rites was absolutely beautiful. Hail Mary Full of Grace Pray for us 💙💙💙

Mayim, what you are doing with this channel is incredibly important. Thank you!

One of the best episodes yet. After watching my sister become a widow at 25 she was so thankful to find Nora's hot widow club. This podcast and the people that open up on it have really helped me deal with my own grief and not feel so alone. Happy one year 🎉

This was heartbreaking 😢😭. I cried my eyes out. This lady is so young and so wise. I've lost loved ones in the past and I have experienced tremendous amount of grief like every human in this world but I admire her resilience so much. It impressed me the way she managed to be productive, write books, build herself back again, have another kid, and believe in love again. This woman is brilliant and brave. Thank you for another great podcast. Happy podcast-versary. Keep up the outstanding work you do.

One of the best interviews I've ever watched.

Thank you so much for another awesome podcast, Mayim. Nora McInerny is a fantastic guest and I think so many people can benefit from all the mental health topics such as grief that are mentioned in this podcast. These podcasts have made me fell a whole lot better mentally!

I’m struggling in grief I don’t want to say anymore love the honesty

I am listening to this while doing my laundry and I didn't expect I would be crying

"I will do anything to not feel" 💯💯💯

A whole year! The addition of this podcast to my mental health routine has been wonderful! Thank you Mayim!

I loved. Crying a lot. Thank you Mayim and Jonathan. From Brazil. 😘😘

💔I lost my beloved adopted mom right before Christmas it has been severely devastating and has rocked me to the core. I’ve certainly been having even dark thoughts, emptiness, loss of faith, and even the will to live.😢😔😥 She was the mother I never had I still can’t believe she’s gone, and very difficult to imagine life without her. Very sad and heart wrenching times...💔

Sorry for the out of place comment everyone but wow, i got goosebumps after accidentally finding this channel. i cried a lot when big bang theory ended. But finding out that Amy Farrah Fowler has a RU-vid channel?! That’s amazing

This podcast -- of all the Breakdowns I've witnessed -- is the most acutely meaningful. I am experiencing so many of these emotions right now, and honestly, this dialogue has been so very helpful. Thank you, Mayim, thank you, Nora!

The 5 stages of grief is more about when given a terminal diagnosis. Grief from grandma, husband, other family and friends. Each is different, with grandma and grandpa like a peaceful graceful, they are at peace. With a younger person it feels wrong, out of order. Friends with children that die looks like the worst. There's a huge spectrum. But there are many more stages than five.

It's been 24 days since my beautiful partner died and I'm so lost.

Dec 1 will be 3 years since my husband died. This episode hit home.

I am really glad that you choice this topic. As a culture there is so much pressure for our culture to "be normal" again. I lost my brother in 2019 and while I have learned to live with that loss, it is something that changed who I am and is something I carry with me everyday. The constant expectation from friends, co-workers, and even family that I should be fine made me feel alone and that I should be ashamed of my grief. I still struggle with the loss of my brother, but have worked to not be ashamed of my grief. People's being discomfort my grief is their issue and I don't have to lessen my loss to make them comfortable.

Such a moving episode! I’m still with tears & a knot in my throat. And feeling in some way fully “undressed” & exposed in it. Speaking of GRIEF, Jonathan’s LOTIC instagram account made not so long ago a great Live I highly recommend. Yes, everyone’s grief is different & no one has the “right” to judge, intrude or even understand yours. Word of one who while dealing with a cancer treatment lost a younger bro bc a sudden suicide & both parents, with only three days of differenve one from another, only months after. So the best my best friend & my hubby & my son did to me were BE THERE. For ME. Be. In silence. At reach. Since fully closure..that hasn’t fully arrived. Thank you Mayim and Jonathan for another AMAZINGLY FABULOUS episode! 💜🙏🏼 It resonates so much in me…

This resonated with me so much! My husband died in March 2020, 4 days later we were on lock down from the pandemic so I could not even be with my family or friends, almost to the day a year later my mom died in 2021. I was a caregiver to both in my home. I am a very optimistic person but wow does that sorrow come in waves out of no where! This podcast has been such a comfort to me! Thank you for all you both do, and your lovely guests!❤️❤️❤️❤️

wow hard to hold back tears as you tell the part about seeing his life expectancy. What an incredible person you are, Nora, with such humor and grace. Your husband sounds like a true angel. Thank you for sharing your story.

Love the realness of your show and the topic and the guest

Thanks Breakdown team and Mayim for a year of amazing, life changing, helpful and entertaining shows. You guys are really making a difference out here in the world.

Happy Podiversary! My life is better because you two create this podcast. Seriously. It’s educational, entertaining and truly helps me navigate some complicated stuff. So grateful for this show. Thank you Mayim, Jonathan and all the other people who make this possible. You guys are appreciated more than you know. ❤️🌺❤️

I’m in the irritable stage of my grief. My beloved father passed in November. I have no stress tolerance right now. I go into doomsday mode. My dad was also a huge feminist and one of my safe havens. Since he’s been gone I’ve been ultra-feministic. And am very much channeling my frustrations at misogyny and oppression, and the small missteps the people close to me make because of their own conditioning. I wish I could access more compassion for mistakes from people who genuinely want to do better, but I haven’t given that to myself. I miss my dad’s gentle, patient, kind, creative presence. I wish there were more men openly being that way. The world feels like such a harsh place without him. I didn’t realize how much of a buffer his presence was for me to all the BS of the world.

This was a great episode. A huge thank you to Nora for sharing her story! Can I say that I’m envious of her productivity during such a tumultuous and heart broken time?? During my time with grief, I’m pretty sure I just floated around through what I thought were my daily obligations. No one told me it was ok to pause or feel.

Love, love, love Nora. Been listening to her forever ❤️

Phew, that was heartbreaking; glad she was able to come to terms.

What a beautiful, honest, sorrowful woman. Thank you.

This episode so hits home. My husband passed in 2001 from end stage renal failure. He had been ill for 15 years and I watched as he slowly faded from this world. Our second son was born after his diagnosis, but the month before any treatment started, so I can relate to my husband being ill, working, and having a baby. It's been 21 years now, but it still seems like yesterday, even though some of the events are hazy in my mind. Thank you for having this episode. And HAPPY POD-VERSARY! Hope there are many more years and guests to come.

Happy Podversary, thank you for starting this channel, it has been so helpful, fun and informative

My husband died the morning before my parents 60th wedding anniversary. I felt I had to attend the anniversary party because I had planned it and prepared much of the food. It was surreal. I was a robot to get through it.

I find it amazingly how the “energy” we people have. Just yesterday one of my favorite uncle died after a long battle with Alzheimer’s and now I’m watching this interview. For me I find it weird the second time around, meaning when my boyfriend died from HIV 5 years ago I was a mess, but today I can even go to work.

I didn't know who Nora was before this episode, and now I'm so in awe of her. I love her sardonic humour mostly :) But I can appreciate her articulation of her feelings, and her honesty. Loved this episode.

💗💗💗 I love Nora! Her podcast is amazing and I was super excited to see her on your amazing pod!

Absolutely fabulous conversation about grief.

This video is (not "was") such an enlightening experience and is one I will watch on a repetitive basis. Dealing with grief has always been a difficult experience that we all will unfortunately experience in some way from a favorite kitty cat or Hamster to perhaps the most profound person in our life. Thank you for sharing that the full spectrum of emotion is entirely okay and even therapeutic. Very helpful!!

One the best n Honest interviews Mayim!!!!

Happy Podaversary! Love this podcast! Very helpful!

Thank you so much for this! My mother passed going on 2 years ago and so much of this talk resonated with me.

I love nora and terrible, thanks for asking. Also I am so grateful for work from home so I could weep through this episode in peace.

Bravo! I’ll never forget this one. Such powerful truth telling! 💗

Had a lot of losses/death in the last few years. Thank you for this episode. Related to this so much. 💖

Loved this & needed it❤

This was amazing. So insightful and beautiful.

Wow! 1 year!! Congrats, I’ve recorded 117 pages worth of insights for me. Y’all have helped me over the last year and all it’s challenges plus challenges pre-MBB. Please keep up your awesomeness!!

it has been 5 years and 7 months since my 2 sons were killed . just now getting better. And we have had 9 family members die since them and 3 friends. None have been as bad as losing the boys.

TY SO much for this lovely nuanced lady & fantastic podcast! Spot on timing for me 😘😘

Wonderful podcast! Thank you!

wow. what a remarkable episode. I did not know about Nora and her story. She is so engaging.

Thank you for telling it like it is.

59:19 Live fully. I learned this from David Kessler (author) Live fully, grieve fully. Yes, yes, yes. It is difficult and it does suck. Moving forward on the new road without my husband is not easy and that is ok. Being in a grief group is very helpful. We see ourselves in other people's stories. I for sure know that I'm modeling grief for our children and for other friends and family. This is such a great interview. Thank you

I loved this. thank you.

I've been hoping for this one!

I'm happy to hear how mayim breaks down complex information,but I still have to think for myself

Ookay. A very sweet bitter life experience turning bittersweet. I'm happy for her outcome. Not at all what I was thinking for this podcast.

I LOVED THIS EPISODE. I lost my littler sister 10 years ago, she was 15 with a terminal and degenerative disease that ulitimatly ended in her passing. This really spoke to me. And also, Johnathan , Grief constipated might translate to emotional incarseration. I think you should read "cry like a man" if you havent already. Love you both

I needed that...Thank you.

"Faster emotional metabolism" ... that was good.

I am so glad i listened/watched this episode. I lost my partner suddenly last year and things that Nora McInerny spoke to me so much. I am currently in the feeling guilty for wanting some physical contact and company but i can not express how her words helped. completely off course, have you considered having Miranda on your podcast? She is an amazing woman as i am certain you know. Thank you for doing Breakdown. I love your view, questions and way you steer conversation

Love this episode so much 🥺

Glad to see you ......helping me cope

YAY! More great conversation!

Nora is so wonderful

I hope people who are in deep grief at the loss of their parents like Mayim know how blessed they are to have had that kind of relationship. I can say that my mother's death in 2019 was a small g compared to the devastating divorce, and abandonment while I was in the midst of a health crisis, followed by 20 years of estrangement, and eventually my son's death all Huge G Grief. . I know grief and loss as I have lost everything at least once, including 3 children, including my first born son who died at 20 in 2016. Even as a mother who has survived the deaths of her children I want to say that not all divorces are the same AT ALL. Certainly if it goes the way decent people know it should where the children come first, and the parents are empathic and loving and honest and fair, then yes that would be a small g, but for some of us divorce became an unimaginable nightmare and as my story illustrates the kids don't always bounce back from the complex trauma that comes as a result of that kind of ongoing abuse, neglect, and manipulation and complete absence of love.

That was beautifu. Thank you.

Thank you!!

Fist of all happy pod- aversary! Been watching since the beginning!! ♥️💯 I have an ask Mayim anything: Could you speak about “little t’s” and how sometimes the accumulation of little t’s, specially in a small period of time can feel like one big T trauma? I recently started trauma therapy and within the signed consent form there was a chart where you had to check off your “potentially traumatic” life experiences - some big T’s and other little t’s - and date them. Out of 17 options I had gone through 12 , all within 1 year. As I sat there looking at this chart it hit me how truly these events have changed my life, turned it upside down and then some. A lot of people don’t quite understand where pain and grief is coming from when “nobody died” but it feels like the person who has passed away was the person you used to be. Thank you for this podcast and everything you do, you both inspire and motivate so many of us♥️

Wow...I had no idea! Beautiful!

This was really good.

Her neck and shoulders response, wow, I didn't connect the dots. Had it for weeks after the cancer diagnosis of someone I loved and then another spout a few months after his death. There were no knots in the muscles so it puzzled therapists and the horrible pain disappeared overnight without treatment.

Great video

Her story reminds me of Lindsay Nicholson, a British journalist and author who lost both her husband and her daughter to leukemia and wrote a book about it.

She has such an interesting story 😂❤😂And I can see why she wanted to be a writer she’s such a natural storyteller

Dr Bialik: First let me say, I’ve never met Nora personally, but her story was pivotal because, at the time I listened to her TED Talk, it was exactly a week after my husband died of terminal cancer. Prior to that, I’d lost my maternal grandmother who was my best friend and my father who was my hero. I’ve learned this journey of grief is very “person specific.” My grief for each person is very unique and different, and my mind told me because my relationship with each of these Three giants in my world was different, the grief would be different, too. I’m convinced, after listening to Nora’s TED Talk, that as different as our spouses were, the grief we experienced is nearly the same. A marital relationship, is a bond when you give your heart and all the emotions your heart holds to another person. I’m convinced the unique bond Nora and Aaron had was very similar to the bond held by my husband and me. That was evident when I listened to her TED talk, I couldn’t believe how her talk mimicked the Eulogy I’d given for my husband just a week earlier. People who’ve never watched a spouse slowly die (when the life drains from their body and their soul and spirit are gone from the physical shell)can’t understand when I tell them his soul went to his permanent home in heaven, but In that moment of earthly death, his spirit remained in my heart. When I tell people, I will never “just get over it” and move on from my husband, I choose to move forward with him and the memories we shared, I can tell they’ve never experienced the loss of their spouse because they don’t understand those words. My grief journey, I’ve determined, has no end. The pain of loss changes but never goes away. You learn to cope with the loss which allows you to (hopefully) function day to day. In 4 days, it will be the second full year he’s been gone. My heart still aches but I now laugh when I hear something funny. Progress? I suppose. I’m a big believer that we are all born into this world with a purpose to fulfill on our journey. I also believe just as God knows the day we will enter this world, He also knows the day we will exit. Thank you for choosing this topic. It’s one that is often overlooked but is much needed.

I don’t know if I should watch this. I lost my brother in September (COVID) & I have been getting through it by ignoring that he’s gone. I don’t handle emotional pain well so facing such a tremendous loss is terrifying.

AFTER THE HORROR OF YEARS, UPON YEARS, UPON YEARS, OF THE GRIEF-WITHOUT-DEATH, THE DEATH HAD TO BE SILENT, BECAUSE, THERE WERE STILL YEARS, UPON YEARS, UPON YEARS, OF GRIEF-WITHOUT-DEATH, TO GET THROUGH. AND NOW, THERE IS ONLY GRIEF, AND I TRY TO LEARN HOW TO BREATHE. ALONE.

I love your videos, you are just amazing in everything you do. A fan question: have you considered inviting Jim Parsons to an episode of your podcast? kisses from Brazil, we love you so much. 🇧🇷❤

Happy Podaversary!!

I'd like to recommend a book on this subject also! LETTERS TO BARBARA by Mary Croft! She was in her 80's when she wrote it and Barbara was her sister that died at 15 years old in the 1940's!

I make "grief survival bags" for people who suffer a death and loss of a loved one , pet or human a like.

The phrase that made me snap after my husband died was, "At least he's no longer in pain." He died of a heart attack. He wasn't in any pain. What about me? What about my pain? How's this going to help me? He was a kid and didn't deserve it. But I was still in the phase of life getting less hard.

Blossom!!!

Just Commenting for the algorithm 🖤

My timeline of my grief is so similar :(. My brother (healthy 33 yr old) died from COVID in September 2021, then my father died of cancer the day after Christmas 2021 (after getting his diagnosis in May 2021) and my best friend of 25 years died of cancer in January 2022. I'm still trying to navigate my grief and it's so hard. I don't want to feel the pain so my left side of my brain has been taking over from the beginning and my right side of my brain is starting to manifest itself which is obviously telling me I need to cry.

Is that a thing to be stiff in your shoulders and neck from grief? I’ve been deal with grief for a while now and I feel like I’m just so stiff and knots everywhere….