Self Doubt: my brain can fight 

I've discovered you because your video "Setting boundaries: why grown men love little girls" was recommended by the algorithm. I was drawn to your intensity, that thumbnail photo looked at me directly and the title is so provocative but in a good way. The way you speak is so passionate, so authentic and so emotional. I'm very moved by your storytelling and letting people in, really in, when talking about self-doubt and fear and anxiety. You try and share what helped / helps you get through these moments, what you're working on, without making it this neo-capitalist manifesto for boss babe girlies to be more productive. But rather, to return to oneself, to view a certain kind of self-discipline as self-love (I recommend researching the term "tapas buddhism", which has served me a lot) and not to serve others. I'm very, very happy to discover someone as genuine as you on here in 2021.

"I did what I did, with the limited information that I had. Just as I'm doing right now." Hearing this feels really freeing. It just made it click for me that I can give myself a break much like I give a break to my younger self. That I'm still just doing the best I can with a limited perspective that will grow over time, and it's ok to not be perfect. I'm sure this seems laughably obvious to some people, but I don't think I really got it till hearing you say it. Thank you, so much :)

Everyday I wake up to fight with myself, it's so exhausting. Thank you for your video.

You sound exactly like when it takes me months to get (school) work done. I've been comparing this year to every yr before and how this is the best I've ever dealt with finals week and I've not had a mental breakdown or suicidal ideation. So instead of feeling very anxious (100%) of the time It was more like (55-65%) of the time this yr. Celebrating progress and giving myself dopamine for it bc we can't improve in leaps and bounds without the daily tasks, effort, and pep talks. I love your videos and how you speak words to the things my neurons do out of habit from public education and social media trapping the human mind. :))

My most recent acid trip delivered me many epiphanies, one of which was hilariously realizing that the cliches are fuckin' true! Despite how many times I had read those quotes and rolled my eyes at them, only recently was I able to really understand them. I guess it taught me to not overthink this shit and to stop over-complicating happiness into something unattainable.

Omg😩 not me relating so much i used to think im not depressed bc im not in a constant sadness mode until i told a friend i dont think ive ever been happy for long only for like hours bc smth happen. Thank you so much for this video!

Vulnerability is such an incredible strength. It’s really validating and eye opening to hear you talk about behavior and thought patterns you’re acknowledging and working to change within yourself. The not wanting to talk about it because of the emotional aspect is something I relate to deeply. Every week, two weeks or monthly, however often you post I personally really appreciate it. It inspires me to continue looking inward

20:52 - 23:10 wowww this whole part! I was doing my makeup watching this but had to stop and replay this part 4 times.... hit hard, going to have to keep coming back to this to remind myself

Wiki 'Learned helplessness'and read the section on Seligman's experiments. As far as should and must, norms and blame look up Albert Ellis' work, or the Just-World hypothesis (specifically the Melvin Lerner stuff) or the very related work ethic. Worth, for background, reading up on the Asch conformity experiments and the Milgram obedience experiments. You really spoke to a lot of this with evident high EQ. My ASD ass is glad I found your channel.

like monica, i have to be honest, your light, your glow is so evident, you are going to blow up. and yes, i know its not all about that, but i the way your words connect is different than literally any other person i have ever watched on youtube, or on any screen, in my whole life. keep believing in yourself girl. and let me tell you, because i know you're gonna do it, it really gives me faith and hope in myself too. because i'm like, if she can feel these ways and she's so clearly going to be successful, then maybe it's okay for me to feel really bad sometimes too, and that's not going to stop my progress so long as i keep going. you're the truth girl. for real.

I enjoy your openness, perspective and self awareness. I don’t comment a lot but you deserve it.

I needed this so bad. I relate and struggle with these thoughts daily. Thank you for sharing 💙

This and the last video is ridiculously refreshing

Meme in the thumbnail too relatable😩

Girl your monologue in the beginning sent me. I completely agree with everything you said. I am there. The high and lows are harder than just the lows. However, the highs are more rewarding

Make a podcast please! Love your thoughts so much

😂 I love you so much... You speak my thoughts so clearly it's crazy

Bro it’s the fear, sleeping in your unconsciousness some of the time and then screaming at you on very overwhelming episodes The more you deny (or don’t even realize) it’s there the more the shadow grows, and yea is about being compassionate towards yourself, having a nice close circle as well, and journaling (which is quite new to me but I feel like it’s making wonders) Anyways, that deep fear, is a monster, and I hope by being consistent in those dynamics (self love and good habits), and also with meaningful relationships (´cause it’s way easier to have someone who believes in you as well (and the other way round) and that suffering is crazy hard to overcome alone and at least you can make it kinda fun when there are two of you facing the monsters that you are sharing, if y’all are in a healthy dynamic ofc, and also for creativity, it helps having a consistent spark of light that inspires you that you rediscover every time) IT WILL FADE Or it’s probably more about learning the lessons it’s trying to teach you; and even tho it sucks, you hella grow up once it’s done (and if other stuff create new traumas in your life, well you know the way I think) Anyways: thank you so much for this video; it triggered me a lil bit and then reassured me so I guess it feels like partnership in a way ahahah Also it is so precious for I never heard about in depth self-doubt journeys before and as I kinda came to the same conclusions I feel like I am going the right way I generally love all of your content ❤️ Can’t wait to have a salary and buy you a painting as well Love yaaa

Your videos are so well spoken and insightful, one of the few youtubers I have bell notifications on for

I'm watching this video, nearly 30, wondering why I relate to what you're discovering so much, and then I realized we both have a virgo venus and a moon in capricorn, and I burst into a chuckle.

Words cannot describe the love I have for your channel lmbo

annies mac n cheese with marshalls truffle oil sounds so good im jealous

I relate so much to the incessant deprivation of joy that I do to myself. I love hearing your thoughts, I’m glad you’re in a good mood ❤️

Whats worse is how you've been in such a dark place almost all your life and you're finally trying to get better. It feels like you are battling an army of the worst demons it hurts so bad and it makes you question everything

I already love you so much. Please keep making videos ❤️ I’d love to hear about how you accept yourself and express your unique character.

First video I’m seeing of yours, this is very relatable, subscribed !

I’ve been journaling strong for 2 years.. I def feel you lol

thank you for this video ily

book recommendation please 💗 loved the video

Also a Virgo Venus here. lmaaaoooo

i turn 18 tomorrow and i cried to this video love u

Virgo venus with a virgo sun and a virgo stellium in my 7H here. I've never related to a video so much when it comes to how hard getting better is.

i am so proud of us

32:02 me up at 5 am rn looking for that dopamine boost on u tube.. which was this video lool

virgo sun & cap rising :0 also love this vid it speaks to me so much

in love 😍💍

Heavy on the FOMO PLUS, I really dream of “living” , which makes it hard for me to enjoy my everyday life. social media doesn’t make it any better, seeing ppl my age “living”; accomplishing great things, going on vacations, making good money, being self sufficient, etc

Anybody have any other channels with people being open and honest about their mental health? This is so genuine I'm so grateful for this content

"The act of getting better, is more painful than not even trying at all, often" .....yep, that deserves a like. I'm not even 2 minutes in and you're already dropping gems :)

Honestly all women are collectively traumatized, some just don't know how to acknowledge it. I loved when you said everyone's depressed because I've never heard anyone say it but it's what I've been thinking

Learning to give yourself grace and stop your brain from getting in the way of just living life is probably the hardest lesson of the transition into adulthood. My internal monologue goes crazy and most of the time it gets in the way of just doing what I say i want to do. But being nihilistic about life or bashing myself has never got me as far as radical acceptance (and yes that means acceptance of self even when you’re not “where you want to be” yet bc in all honestly that goal post always magically moves up a little further once you’ve achieved something). I definitely want to be a live laugh love girly not a self deprecating self sabotage girly lmao. And if you’re also a 20 something that’s kind of a fuck up, just know there’s a lot more of us than you think even though the tik tik algorithm only shows you the 21 yr old tech industry girl bosses that make 6 figures and live in a penthouse (love that for them tho). Real change occurs with small steps and consistency. Everyone’s life looks different, your journey is your own so embrace it for what it is. If the world is gonna try to beat your ass anyways, at the very least be the one person who is always going to be in your corner cheering you on.

this entire video hit me like a TRUCK bro- I'm 19 and I'm struggling with getting things done correctly, I feel like I can't mess up in any way and when I do I tend to think that I'm immature, haven't grown up and therefore I'm a bad person/bad at whatever I do. I'm still trying to tell myself that I am indeed too young and it's okay to fail especially at this stage but it's really hard when it seems like absolutely no one around you is committing those mistakes, only you. ++ feel free to tell/keep telling your stories and struggles, guys! let's work through this together ;)

You did it again queen 🙏🏽

You are so relatable!!!! Perfectly put to words how I’ve been feeling. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and expressing your feelings

Used to always make fun of my mom’s “life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain☔️” or something like that. Until I had the biggest breakdown of my life in a period where both of us were going through so much grief but somehow she was dealing with it better than me. I asked her how she does it and she just pointed at that damn wall decoration!! Monica your video made me laugh and it brought me to tears. You might be struggling just as much as anyone of us but your ability to put these abstract, complicated feelings into words and tie it all together helps so much. Not being able to feel joy and contentment because of the fear of pain and grief… I had to pause and write that down. You put a pin right onto what I’ve been struggling with for the past two years as I’ve lost more than I thought was possible and can’t seem to bounce back. I feel more like a child at 18 than when I was 16 and thought I had it all figured out. I feel grief for the person I thought I would be growing into. Getting better is painful but people like you help❤️ You’re such a great role model, to grow up and be able to have an outlook on life the way you do is something to strive for. Thank you Monica!

This video really speaks to me I’m turning 19 and feel most of what you said about doubt I feel like I’m wasting time or not doing enough and I have to remind myself I am where I am supposed to be right now and I’m doing everything I want to achieve even the small accomplishments that no one else sees (I threw away my razor) it was a big step for me and I’m always trying to grow I’ve been trying to be creative and do the steps I know I have to do in order to start the change I want in my life but it’s hard and speaking up is a hard thing for me as I am farther now than before but I still have a lot to go

holy shit this is the exact thing I needed in this moment. you are incredibly intelligent and self aware, while still allowing yourself to feel human emotions and learn from them. I always tell myself and my toddler, “feel the feeling and let it go”. Cheesy almost but exactly true.

GIRL I feel like you just cleared and vocalized more things for me in one video than 3 years of therapy couldn’t. Seriously. Suffering is part of the package and so are the lessons you learn with it .Pain is part of life. Period. There is no point in getting stuck looking for the why behind it all bc that will only eventually lead you to blame yourself and consequently hate yourself. Yes it hurts. But its not forever, and its not bc you are a bad person, or bc your life doesn’t have any value. It sure has value, and you will discover it along the way. Believe it.

Monica, THANK you for being honest and real with us. Your journey resonates with my own in many ways. Your words are meaningful, meaningful, meaningful. I returned home tonight, feeling underwhelmed, sad, drained and lost even though I spent the weekend trying to relax, meeting people I love, working on my relationships, learning to communicate better, regardless I felt awful. I was procrastinating on a journal entry that feels like a broken record: I work hard and I'm sad, I do my best and I'm sad, it gets better but I'm sad. I stood up to clean my kitchen instead, turned on youtube convincing myself that listening to you would distract me from another task I hate doing. 'getting better hurts' resonated deeply with me, I feel seen, thank you for serving a bowl of openness.

you're glowing, I see the self and shadow work shining through sis!!!

the way how u explain and word your thoughts is actually very entertaining and i just feel very comfortable listening to you also what the heck u are so cute 😭

“Freedom means no fear!” - Nina Simone As a 22 year old, I truly appreciate this. Do you have any recommendations to learn more about the true meaning of “karma”?

This video really hit me man, I usually put off the urge to write up comments on anything I'm passionate about cos it just feels like I haven't got anything new to say in that moment, but as I'm writing this I recognise how deeply rooted that fear we all have is, to the point where even little things like this feel strenuous and almost like whispering into a void, those two bullies that tell you to do it and that it'd be worthwhile, and the other that seems to strive to strip you of all your remaining self-worth. I have become more aware of this fear perhaps a few weeks ago, and I'm slowly getting better at working on it, facing my own thoughts by myself in silence and allowing myself to remain calm and present in those moments, and it was extremely helpful to hear your perspective with that personal introspection in mind. Thank you Monica, I'm extremely grateful to have come across your work

i’m the only daughter of a single mother who’s an immigrant who didn’t fully heal before having me. i was given the responsibilities at such a young age that you wouldn’t even imagine. she was verbally abusive and physically abusive. and when others stood up for me she was say “she’s my daughter” i was isolated as she was strict about going out and even as a teen she “let” me go out and chill with friends but was always so controlling about it that i just gave up and stayed home. i learned how to navigate at her houser since i was to “emotional and dramatic” . i cooked and cleaned for her while also being told i was lazy, dirty, a disgrace. not many words of encouragement. she was also very controlling when it comes to my life. i couldn’t have mail friends at 19. and wanted my bank passwords. i moved out last year to my own apt at 19 with a paid off car. i busted my ass to get this far while at the same time suppressing many emotions and being in auto pilot telling myself i have to get out of here for my sanity. and now i’m at peace but everything is starting to unravel and i realize how much was taking from me that i don’t even know who the hell i am. still carrying the weight of anxiety and fear of making a mistake. like someone is waiting for me to do something wrong

Phew.. "I always punished myself for being myself." GURL. Someone neeeeds to qoute you on this because I feel like sooo many people feel this way (ME INCLUDED). I am just coming out of this feeling that I have been in for a few years and its hard. Its hard to be vulnerable again. But, its the only way we can truly love oursleves and love anyone or even life. Love you girl and love your channel I am SOOOO happy I found it, you inspire me :).

I'd literally watch whatever you feel like talking about whenever you feel like dropping a video girl do you I will consume this content ✌

I vibe with you because you’re recognizing the inner workings of yourself while also poking fun at yourself and helping us put puzzle pieces together that our brains might not have found matches for yet, thank you for this video!

How do you journal? Do you just monologue or do you have a structure?

Monica, I don’t know shit about you but what you let a viewer in on but your talks inspire the shit out of me to get in touch with myself and get through anything I’ve put on the back burner. This video was no different in how powerful it’s been. Thank you for the authenticity

Okay but I’m 20 and all my life I’ve been thinking and feeling this way and this videos help me to learn and understand wtf is going on with myself more. But like wtf? Why do I feel like this at 20! 😓

I feel so much in common with you. I'm 26, and I realised last year that I'm Autistic and ADHD. I struggle every day feeling like I'm the problem, but realising I'm neurodivergent has been so life changing, it made me realise that I'm not the problem. It's society that does not accept people like us, and expects us to fit into a mould that eventually breaks us beyond belief. You are so strong for sharing your feelings and you should be so proud of the person you are every day. Autism and ADHD go severely underdiagnosed in women and POC and if you haven't already I would do some research into the symptoms of both as I feel they could help you reach a deeper understanding of yourself and find a sense of calm amongst the storm. There are some fantastic Facebook groups around full of people like us. I'm not sure if you will read or see this but sending you so much love and support on your journey. Also I'm not shrek I'm a girl

just post when u want :) i have notifications turned on for ur videos

Girl, why do you know how to articulate so well what I only start to understand just now with 25?!

as a virgo sun & moon I took NOTES in my journal throughout this video. Is there somewhere we can read more of your words? all love

this video is legit HEALING ME…..thank you monica

I feel so seen. I'm an 18 yr old artist and not goin college, a secure path I'd know would "work out". Working through all these things you talked about on a daily basis as a queer black person is wild

Still watching but that piece in the background is breathtaking

I needed this so badly. Thank You Monica, you're amazing Edit- hey fellow capricorn rising

Literally feel soo happy finding some who can articulate my thoughts for me LOVVVEEE

This video feels like a talk with a big sister, your honesty and words are very comforting, thank you

I'm 14 and I still have a lot to learn but I have been keeping a journal myself and started it when I had become depressed and when I look back to read some of the stuff I wrote down to what I'm writing down, I see so much improvement and that's what lets me know that I'm on the right path. Most of my issues came from hating who I was as a person but now its just mostly love I feel for myself, even when I make stupid mistakes because I know that eventually I'll stray from that stupid mistake even if it takes me a little bit because of the internal conflict I deal with in my head and I also know that I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I can always make improvement to make myself a better person. Seeing this video really opened my eyes a lot more cause I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one who deals with self doubt. Love your videos~

Hey to everyone in the comments I’m not here to force my beliefs on you but Jesus can help you with doubt bc Jesus is God, He’s the Prince of Peace. As a Christian who also struggle with doubt God’s Word helps me deal with it and also prayer. The Bible has over 7,000 promises and it says “don’t fear” 365 times (for every day of the year). God doesn’t want you to live in doubt, fear, and anxiety. He can take that away. He’s the God of peace and wisdom. If you allow Him in.

PLEASE do a video on practical tips to overcoming slumps. I am begging you. I am setting myself up for self-sabotage and I’d love some constructive, genuine advice.

Oh man, this hit hard. I was trying to talk to my therapist about exactly this stuff the other day, but couldn’t translate my thoughts into words. This is exactly it! All of it. You’re so incredibly insightful in your videos, thank you for validating me and so many others, and for helping me to understand my own whacky brain and experiences in a different light. I appreciate your content so sooo much

i’m 26 and starting life over. thank you for sharing our thoughts!! you are so genuine and honest and as someone so also prefers videos and youtube as my main content source, i really appreciate you putting this out there. much love and respect 🙏

This spoke to my adhd-brain soooo much. Recently diagnosed at 36 yo.

It sucks but like I don’t see A future when I’m not incredibly depressed like everytime I think Bout being stable I still think I’ll be sad

Im so thankful for you. Thank you. Gratitude.

This really helped me in the present moment. Even though I know that the future will hold hard times where I can't recall the rational truth of this video, I'm glad to hold this knowledge rn. Thank you for sharing ✨

I absolutely love your videos. You're just dropping facts after facts. Dealing with trauma, with shame, with self love, yes please 💜

so frickin’ accurate. i cringe because i feel myself reflected. the part of me i don’t want to face.

its like I found a copy and paste older version of myself, subscribed

have you considered you might have adhd? i'm in the process of getting a diagnosis and can relate to a lot of what you're saying

That intro is too funny XD. I watched a few times already

I’ve never been able to put this in words I’ve just been trying to be easier on myself

girl, first I was so fucking inspired I had to make notes on what u said, then I started crying and now I am inspired and motivated but in the same moment inhibited because I know how long and hard the way to go is. I'm gonna keep that inner monologue going trying to learn and fight for better habits of thinking but in the end I will forget Half of it until tomorrow and be on the same road as always, hopefully the notes help getting back on track easier next time. Thanks for sharing, fucking love your way of talking

Dude i would love for you to do some book recommendations on these topics. You have great taste in books

NOT THE DRAKE LYRIC CAUSING YOU EXISTENTIAL DREAD LMAO

i’m here, the thumbnail got me and the last/first video of yours that i saw was too good not to… it is in fact deeply intertwined and i came to that realization recently of how much i more there is of it then i thought i was dealing with.

I’m 25 and pretty much in the same situation as you are. So I’m thankful for this video. It made me feel less alone

no one else: me: *staring at the plant behind her because it aligns with her head and thus looks like there are cute bunny ears / cool hair tie are on her head

I watched this video earlier and I’m watching it again

This is crazy. this is exactly what is happening in my head right now. Thank you!

Lol "Have you finished those errands?"

Damn, I need to live laugh love, fr :(

girl everything you said at like 17:20 onwards. girl. that shit hit me like a fucking brick. i felt that. so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so hard. like. if i could allow myself to cry right now. i'd be crying. god bless you monica

Moniiicaaaaa, you literally put into words what I am and have been feeling. Thank you SO much for putting this together and to show up and create despite the daunting noise. Yes please a video for balance as well. Your not alone in this, we love you. I feel You are a blessed gift to this world. Thank you ❤️

Sooo this video just told me that I cant heal in my head, i'm confused as to how to do it any other way lmaooo

This video is so overwhelmingly candid and relatable I haven’t even finished it, I just need some time for my brain to catch up with how on point this is. It feels a bit like I’m having a conversation with someone too since I find myself laughing and nodding and sighing! I’m still young so I have the privilege of not having the biggest problems in the world not to speak of my own home but I do not think I’ve ever felt more validated? Like I’m trying not to cry cause I’m in school lmao- Mental health has definitely been my biggest struggle currently. And yeah, I’m not clinically depressed either… but on most days I don’t feel good about myself at all. However, I was in a much worse place during Covid. So anyways, it’s really nice to get some clarity that I’m being slow with progress but I’m still making it. Uhhh this ended up being a lit longer than I initially wanted so I’ll wrap it up here with a thank you - this was just what I needed.

We have the same mic lol wild ass!!!!