Welcome to my youtube page and third video in which I talk a lot men's fear when it comes to marriage...ending up in a sexless one. Stick around till the end, it will be worth it.
Yes, this a terrible place. Married 34 years sexless for over 14 years. Wife has a really difficult time talking about it and avoids the topic. I'm very frustrated, lonely and depressed. I feel I have no emotional or Phyisical connection. I don't even feel love anymore.
God has divorce so I wouldn't suggest that but you know men invented the garage for some reason I'm pretty sure this is why because you get married you have sex you have kids her maternal instincts are fulfilled and then it's time for you to go to work and provide that's all we're good for just go ahead and realize that and move on she's nothing more than a friend now
I have been thinking about that but I need to work the logistics of leaving. The children are all grown up and are on their own. As to the affair I do not think so. She happy with everything I take care of and I believe she is still in love with me. Which is too bad.
I'm at 21 years of marriage and it only happens every 4-6wks and on her terms. It's always "maybe tomorrow night" or the such. I know mine isn't cheating, but I'm about ready to give up, going to counseling, on my own because she doesn't feel it's needed. She knows I'm about ready to give up even, and I'm the sole money earner. I don't understand at all. The worse part is, we have a 14yr old child with Down Syndrome and low functioning autism with medical needs. It'll look like I'm a failure and feel like it too. I have nothing left
One thing that Emily didn't address is just how common it is for women to use sex as a weapon... So many women can be so manipulative that they will withhold sex to punish their man for doing (or not doing) something. Especially in marriage, these women take advantage of the fact that their man is completely loyal to them so they can use this coercion to try to control them in all different aspects. It's really sad that so many relationships have come to this - being selfless and caring for your partners needs is SO incredibly rare these days. Men, if you want to get married be exceptionally careful about who you choose, it'll either be the biggest blessing or the worst, most devastating mistake of your life!
Using sex as a weapon is what happened. Of course not say that because she was simply say she didn't feel connected when not having sex or that she did feel connected. This was based of course on her perception of my behavior pick it took me a number of times to realize that that was what was going on and that is a place of years since it was only zero to 4 times per year. Discussing this would cause arguments and I prefer to have peace in my home but in the end it became necessary to cut her off as well as myself in order to maintain the power. Eventually it became a moot point. In 2012 she went through menopause and that can be mad enough but if you also are not having sex it causes for the degradation. Now she has no ability to ever have sex again even if she wanted to which of course depresses her because no longer function as a woman but until recently that wasn't the problem considering I'd cut us off from sex 25 years ago in order to be the one in control. Women should be aware that if they do not have sex over a prolonged period of time and go through menopause they will never ever ever ever be able to have sex again. Even hormones can't fix that. You cannot undo necrosis. The gentleman and says he's lonely must not be having any kind of conversation with the wife at all. I do not feel lonely and after a period of time, desire eventually Wayne's as long as you don't manually stimulate yourself. At some point your brain is no longer expecting the endorphins and oxytocin. Like any drug that you withdraw from, it takes time but eventually it does. You'll always be an addict but the desired diminishes over time. Think of it in terms of a 12-step process that one would use for alcohol or drugs so that you do not fall off the wagon.
I was married for 27 years and the sex dropped off after our 2nd/final kid was born. The next 20 years I spent doing anything I could to get her approval, make her happy so I could get some kind of affection / physical touch / love. To her it was a chore! The last two times we were intimate I had a hard time getting it up because I could feel she didn’t want to. I tried to talk to her about it and maybe get help but she shot that down.That’s when I filed for divorce. 2 1/2 years later and I really have no desire to date, or even think about any relationship. At 53 years old I see most women that have been divorced are broken in some way from their marriages. I’m broken myself and hesitate to go through that again. I think I’ll stay single and do what I want when I want.
Thank you for sharing your story man. You did what had to be done. I would not want to live in an unhappy marriage. I have never been married but I do have a kid (7yrs old) with the ex and we split up because of this exact reason. I am 37 but like you I haven no interest in going out there and hoping to find someone who will match with me temporarily and then it will again..drop off. Take care!
I lived most of that. I started dating 2 years after the divorce, but I should have waited, I wasn't really ready, and these days, I just have better things to do than dig through a haystack for a needle. Good luck sir.
I can totally relate. I have been divorced for 25 years after a 17 year marriage. I licked my wounds for a couple years. Dated in the early years strictly with the intention of having fun with someone and was clear that I was not interested in marriage. There are divorced women out there that can deal with that or maybe put up with it for a while then move on. As I felt long ago, it has never changed that I would never put myself in the position of being married again. Happy with life and enjoying my kids and now grand kids.If you date, date with the intention of having fun.
If I had to give you advice, I'd say stop looking at women as potential partners for your future. Focus on yourself and your children. Women tend wait at the finish line, and you just restarted the race in a sense. Put your running shoes on, hit your stride, and go find yourself again. You got this.
Yes they exist. Divorced now but went six years without sex when I was married. My resentment built up so bad that we could go days without talking. I'm much happier now.
You hit on a couple exactly right. Only one person working on it. She doesn't want to have sex and doesn't want to work on it. Good men don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them. So him waiting it out, out of respect, is not putting it all on her when she doesn't care to do anything about it. She doesn't feel the pressure, she just ignores it and as long as the guy doesn't bring it up, she's good. She's happy with everything else.
If the man goes outside to get his needs met then he’s accused of being unfaithful, but the woman has broken her vows by denying intimacy. Its a very selfish unloving act to demand exclusivity and then refuse to honour your vows to love.
Which is clear grounds for divorce. Because the minute she leaves your sight she will be in another man's face. They tell on themselves on tikthot like it's some indoctrination or gang rite of passage. SMH 🤷🏽♂️😖😏 They're 🗑! REAL TALK.
@@keepawake3055 He would be accused of being unfaithful because he was been unfaithful. Infidelity is cowardly and deceitful. There is zero excuse for it. If he is unhappy with the marriage, he should either seek marriage counseling or a divorce. And sooner rather than later. If she doesn't want to work on the problem, then divorce is likely his only good option. The problem is that some men need to grow a set of testicles and deal with problems head on.
Sexlessness as a man is no joke. I don't think women can truly relate. I've been married for 15 years now, and the last ten years or so since we had our second kid has been more and more sexless with each passing year. I've never cheated on her, but I'm really starting to understand why so many men cheat on their wives sexually. We'll do it sporadically when the kids are away or something like that, but it's not the same. When we do it, the chemistry is gone, and I feel like she's just doing it as a charity to me. It's almost like having to sleep with a cousin or something. You love them as a family member and care about them so much, but the sexual chemistry is just completely dead because of how infrequent it is and how long it's been. We used to be so great together both inside and outside of the bedroom. We had amazing sex almost every day and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Sex wasn't an issue in my life, and I could devote myself to all the other areas of my life. Having kids ruined our sex life. Her priorities shifted 90 degrees, and I'm seemingly below the dog on her list of priorities now. There's nothing wrong with her physically. She's actually very attractive for her age and she's holding up really well, but when she acts how she does now, I'm not really attracted to her. I feel like I shouldn't reject her the few times she does initiate, but 99% of the time she makes zero effort. I feel disconnected from her, I feel lonely, I feel 100% unfulfilled, and I feel like by staying with her I'm potentially giving up on another life I could live where this wouldn't be an issue. A life where I could feel normal again. I'm sacrificing my own happiness and fulfillment for her and the kids. I get attention from other women quite often (probably because I'm fit, tall etc.) but since I'm loyal to my wife, I always shut that down before it escalates. When various women flirt with me, it reminds me of the life I could have if I wasn't so tied down in this sexless marriage. I feel like I can breathe again in those few minutes of talking to a woman who wants me. For a few minutes, life has color again. Shortly after those interactions, I'm right back to feeling that restless vacuum inside again. Imagine the sensation of hunger. Not just any hunger, but the kind you feel after skipping breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You smell the aroma of food everywhere you go-maybe a freshly baked pizza or a grill sizzling. Each whiff is a magnetic pull, urging you to satiate that hunger. It's like constantly starving at an all-you-can-eat buffet without being allowed to eat anything. If you eat, you lose your kids, your house, your money, your reputation. You lose everything. People will judge you, and you'll be a piece of shit in the eyes of your kids and your extended family because you threw away something that looked so perfect from the outside. Leaving my wife over something as selfish as my biological need for sex makes me a horrible person, but at the same time, life is pretty unbearable as things stand right now. Women have no idea what it's like to be a loyal man who goes without sex for months.Year after year. I've tried telling her, and it hasn't really changed anything. She talks about being tired, exhausted, work, kids etc. as if sex is just another chore for her. I'm pretty close to calling it quits now. We did it twice in the weeks after we talked about it, but of course that was awkward and not even close to how it used to be, so now we're back to being pretty much platonic room mates again. Sleeping with someone you can tell is just reluctantly doing it as a charity and would rather be doing something else is humiliating. I feel completely disrespected when I can tell she's not into it like she used to be and that she's just going through the motions with no genuine desire or passion. I feel like I lost my girlfriend. She changed into a completely different person. Thinking back to how much she wanted me back before we had kids and all the passionate sex we had makes me so sad. I feel loss and something close to mourning when I think about it. I'm lucky if I get sex once or twice every six months now. It's more frustrating than I can put into words.
A man should never marry because there is nothing for him in it. If he does decide to marry he should wait till he's in his early forties. At that point he should have established himself, house, car profession and money in the bank. The nest is ready if you will. His wife should be around twenty one so that she is at her reproductive peak. That way their S.M.V's will align and be complimentary. When he's sixty she'll be forty and should still be in good shape. Old fat ugly women don't make a man's dick hard. It's basic evolutionary biology.
I’m sorry but leaving because of this, because you decided to have children and now her focus is on raising your children… yeah she probably doesn’t feel sexy anymore. She’s probably insecure. She doesn’t feel connected. Maybe it’ll get better when the kids are older and she’s not having to use 100% of her mental load on being a mother. After having kids you no longer have your personality. You become a mother and that’s it. You can either leave and find someone who will MAYBE put out more but it’s not guaranteed for long term. Search up the 90% 10%
@@StormyHallahan That's where the traditional mistress comes in, better again a man should have a harem of women. Say six or seven of them, all between eighteen and twenty four years old. When one of them pisses him off she gets moved to the back of the que.
yup I left mine wish I would of done years sooner gave her my damn best years 22-36 can never get it back. Living for myself now because I feel im half way thru my life not gonna waste it chasing women.
Prepare for divorce first. Take a good lawyer to hide Your assets. When You're ready, put her stuff out in the driveway and change the locks. There will be a divorce war presumably, but that's pretty easily to overcome when You are already well prepared once it starts.
I think people will tend to "sit in misery" because the communication will lead to a confrontation, and in my experience, the low desire partner taking the conversation as a personal attack, instead of a problem to be worked on together...at least that's my experience.
Plus the low desire partner will try everything to not take any responsibility for the situation and quite often gaslight you ("what do you mean last time was 3 months ago, are you crazy?!")
"I swore that I would love you to the end of time! So now I'm praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive 'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive I'll never break my promise or forget my vow But God only knows what I can do right now I'm praying for the end of time It's all that I can do Praying for the end of time, So I can end my time with you!" Meat Loaf
And I got none the wiser regarding how to solve the issue. There's a substantial difference between the average desire of men and women, so it's not realistic for most men to find a woman with a desire to match their own to begin with. Also, besides trying to initiate and getting turned down many times, 100% of the time, what can one actually say, that will not effectively be an ultimatum of divorce? (I've been told ultimatums don't increase desire either) As far as I'm concerned, turning your partner down every time they try until they stop trying, is like ignoring the engine light in your car. Expect your relationship to blow up any moment. Yet there are people who do that and say they did just that, but still thought they were "in the perfect relationship." That just sounds like wilful delusion to me.
Been married 32 years and sexless for 12 years. My wife refuses to discuss it. When I say I'm not interested in being roommates, she shrugged her shoulders and says"I'm okay with it." I've never Been ok with it. She refuses any type of marraige counseling. Considering leaving. Very sad.
Next time you talk about it, tell her "Married couples have sex. I think we are just incompatible." Then ask her how she proposes division of property/custody.
Prepare for divorce (hide Your assets and prepare for house sale) as good as possible, prepare for another life "afterwards" and get a mistress or two for the time being. It ain't getting better - she's ok with it.
Protect yourself carefully before initiating divorce. The law is against you as the male and defers to female consideration and sense of decency when deciding whether to economically enslave you for years. By denying you physical affection, knowing she is doing it and not caring, she is screaming at you that she doesn't really care about you... if you take this to divorce I bet she will stop at nothing to destroy you in court. Prepare well before starting this inevitable battle, and sadly it sounds inevitable unless you are willing to die sexless.
Before marriage I had to fight her off. Upon marriage she was immediately passive, non-initiating. She dropped all nurturing, feminine behavior, became a disrespectful harpy, refused to have any children, although she said she wanted them before marriage. Then increased her body weight by over sixty percent, began dressing like a slob, abandoned personal hygiene, and won’t do a lick of housework. Won’t discuss problems or go to counseling. Says I can have sex with her anytime…but although I want sex, I want it with someone I’m actually attracted to and respect, not the thing she chose to become. Eleven years. There are many ways to cheat in a marriage. Transforming into trash is cheating.
I think the issue at hand is more often than not the woman gets comfortable in the relationship and no longer has the desire to win him over. If he approaches her about sex, she has little to no incentive to go out of her way because he is too vested at that point, the ball is in her court. He either has to start completely over with someone else and be shamed for why he left, or simply stay and suffer. Life is way too short to settle for a woman who has a low sex drive.
It's called the Marriage Hook. They engage often till you get married and the desire to continue is gone. She's gotten her provider and with that contract with the state she will always be in for more than 50%.
@@briar35981 you're right. Don't commit to modern women. They have encentive to cut you off. Sometimes, you have to see a bad investment for what it is and just cut your losses.
This is not about sex drive. If she only has sex with you when she wants it and only because she wants it, it means that at any point she can make you celibate at any point for any reason. I think the only solution is to find a woman that understands relationships are work, require considering your partners wishes and feelings and it's not just about you. Men are expected to deal with female needs and wants regardless of when and whether they themselves want to fulfill those needs. That would be like telling women "just find a partner that likes to protect you" .... ok, sure and what happens on the week/month the guy "doesn't feel like protecting his wife?" Will she be ok with that? The advice that doesn't leave it to whim, is to tell women "find a man who understands its his duty to provide for and protect you, regardless of whether he is feeling it or not at that particular time". Same advice goes for men.
@@wizzle0979- all US states recognize common law marriage except Louisiana. “common law marriage” comes from the English Common Law which is the basis for Civil Law in all US states except Louisiana. Louisiana Civil Law is based on the Napoleonic Code.
I am a young woman and for me it is absolutely mind-blowing how many men suffer from this. I've never been in a relationship, but in the future I would like to have a loving husband, but I am so afraid things may lead to this. Personally, I find it difficult to express my emotions and I just have no idea how am I going to resolve situations that require open communication. I hope I can find a way to fix this until the time I find a partner, because all I want to give him is happiness, not misery. I wish the best for every guy out there
It's really really simple, if you get married, and you don't want to, BUT he does, do it FOR HIM, be selfless not self-centered. For men it's a need, not a want. It's the ONLY way men establish a deep and emotional connection with their women for women, that's not true. It's literally science. For more advice, go here ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HXYt7hl2BVU.html
This is an amazing display of hurt and disappointment and sadness. The length of many of the comments tell the story that’s defined in detail of years of pain and literally being pushed away. I feel very sad now.
Having been in this situation for more than 12 years in a 32 year marriage, I simply don’t understand why women get married if they want to be just friends, or roommates. Stay single. Don’t pull the wool over a loving partner’s eyes.
A lot of women claim to be loving and empathetic, but have no ability or willingness to even try to put themselves in a man's shoes. If you were the only person on the planet that she could talk with, and you refused to converse with her, it'd drive her CRAZY. If you were the only person on the planet who could give her a hug, or listen to her complain about her co-workers, but you rejected any attempts by her to do those things, it'd drive her CRAZY. But to a lot of women, they want what they want, and they don't care what a man wants... suppose they wanted a ring, marriage, two kids... once they get all those things and still aren't happy, what use is sex to them?
The most deceitful thing a person can do is do things for the single purpose of getting that person to marry - to take an oath before God, to enter into a heart and soul level agreement, a BINDING CONTRACT - then after marriage, change into someone the other party does not recognize. It's not just women not doing all the sex stuff they used to, sometimes guys devote their lives to the hunting camp, their job, their hobbies, their truck or boat, or they get fat and lazy; women have a kid or two, then become a prude using kids as an excuse when their diabolical scheme was to just have kids and devote to them leaving their 'partner' to fend for himself. The acting out will take all forms.
I was married for 28 years the last 8 being sexless "I don't do that anymore". So I'm now divorced, remarried to a beautiful woman 28 years younger than I and we have a 10 year old daughter who is fabulous...and I get essentially all the sex I want now (she wants it also!) and the relationship is more than good... its wonderful. I feel loved and wanted. Something I never had before.
Married for 28 years, sexless for 11 since the last kid was conceived ... if you take attempting to have kids out of the picture, sexless for 20. Wife shut everything down with no discussion. Refuses counciling and has shut down every conversation I have ever tried to have with her about it. I am basically the live in handyman and breadwinner. I don't leave because I know she would cut off access to the kids. I'm trapped. Basically the marriage is sexless and also loveless. She refuses to do even small acts of basic human kindness like making a cup of coffee or holding a door for me. I'm not miserable in general... I find happiness in food, video games, dad jokes, my kids, etc. But the marriage is an emotional black hole.
You should seriously ponder divorce. There are billions of women in the World. Your chances of being in a fulfilling relationship are high, but you need to take steps to find it.
@@MensaGiraffe Oh yeah sure. So the courts can break into his retirement savings and/or his pension and give 50% of his property to his wife who didn't pay for it. We all know why he doesn't divorce.
@@BC-yd6dl The choice is be in a crappy, unfulfilling marriage and keep all of your money or seek a fulfilling relationship with 50 percent of your money.
meet with a good attorney to pre-plan your financial exit strategy so you make no mistakes. Then file for divorce as soon as the last child is 18 yo AND has graduated from high school. (must be both to avoid child support and ex-wife playing games
My ex started the sexless part of the marriage by announcing she was not going to sleep in the same bed as me, and I could go sleep on the couch. I laughed and told her she could sleep on the couch. I just waited to see how long it would last. She slept on the couch for 5 years until I moved out and filed for divorce 😂.
Wow thats a long time bro. My ex left me a note and told me to have my things out by the next day. I messaged her and told her she can leave if she wants to break up a marriage. The next day she came and got her stuff 😂
@@BlazeBuds Yep, that is right. Do not move out. My ex asked for a divorce and wanted me to leave. I told her absolutely not. I would not leave till our separation agreement was in place. That motivated her to move on it. I was not going to let any kind of abandonment legal issue screw me up with my kids
It's really nice to see women standing up for men, and one step further taking on this topic. Not a popular stance now a days. There's so much unnecessary suffering. Long term commitment is tough but my husband and his needs are as important as mine!
Then leave. If she does not want you to feel safe, validated and reassured through sex then she obviously doesn't care about you. Why even stay at that point? Find someone that actually loves you and dump the abuser. Because that's what she is, if she is withholding affection from you and has no care for your well being then that is indeed a form of abuse. Dump her and find real love somewhere else.
Your post suggests that there are many other issues in your relationship than just lack of sex. If there is no open communication, then things are really broken. And I’m talking from experience. If there is no desire to fix things, best to consider divorce. Life is too short.
If I had a nickel for every man I’ve heard say that the quality and frequency of sex got better with marriage, I would have .. literally zero nickels. I may even owe someone nickels.
Most of the problem relates to divorce laws. Women most commonly lose interest in sex. If the husband files for divorce, she will get the kids, and he most often will be financially ruined. This typically happens right around the time she hits menopause. This situation is why so many men are opting out of marriage. They've seen too many other men financially ruined and cut off from their kids when the wife loses interest in her husband.
The vast majority of custody is awarded 50/50. The vast majority of men who fight for custody WIN. Many men don't bother because they'll have to find someone to watch the kids while they work.
My marriage was trashed when Facebook became a thing many years ago. She decided I wasn't good enough after 2 kids 12 years of marriage. She finally realized I was good enough, but by then, I was living in the spare room with the house up for sale. C ya!
@b__w_4565 This is over 13 years ago, and social media was in its infancy. She signed up, and all her ex boyfriends were at her fingertips. See what people don't realize is that before Facebook, you could buy a house for under 200k. After Facebook, everyone could see all your stuff and want it. I was expecting a lifetime with this girl, married kids, but everyone was out to steal my stuff and they did thanks to fb.
@@b__w_4565People always look so happy on social media. People get jealous of other people’s situation, even if it’s all a front. They think their life should be as good as what other people’s lives appear to be on Facebook.
@@b__w_4565 My wife is OBSESSED with facebook. She facebooks at least 10 hours a day and often, during the night. It is hard to have a simple conversation with her. She is always buried in her phone. She really feels her "facebook friends" are her actual friends. I tried to speak with her about it and she became VERY angry and passive aggressive. Now, I don't care. As long as she doesn't hassle me. Luckily, my parents trained me well in "low expectations".
I was in a sexless relationship for 3 years. It wasn't really sexless but I had to put a lot of effort to make it happen, I got tired, if she doesn't want it I don't want it either, So I walked away.
Real love is about serving one another and satisfying each other. If the person with less desire really opens their heart and mind, they'll be able to get into it.
I am almost 60. My husband has a mega responsible job and lots of stress. He 'needs' me to decompress. I feel like sex became the pill for him to survive his mountain of work problems. I feel it is not about me so much but about his survival and he is in general a half-empty-glass type of person. In these circumstances over years sex is not fun, so I withdrew a bit more and it is harder to get me in the mood ( we are not totally sexless, but too little for him and his survival). Dropping his job is not an option, he will find other reasons to be unhappy and stressed. He is not depressive, just at times a bit too much self centred. Dear men, this way you don't make yourself very attractive and it doesn't matter how much money you earn. We women need to feel loved emotionally ( spoken to, laugh together, wasted time for and with us) not by just providing money and a big house.... We are not your medication, we are your partners!
I've been married 41 years. Me 27, she 19 when we were married. Our physical relationship has changed due to aging and a few health issues, BUT we are still intimate a few times a month and we're both OK with that. As we age, we have a much more companionship relationship, but the flame is still there once in a while, it's just not as intense or often. She's still the love of my life and we've been through a lot of ups and downs.
Thank you for addressing this topic. I think there’s probably a lot of us out there who are simply suffering in silence because nobody else understands. I’ve been married over 10 years and my wife has no desire at all. Plus it causes her a lot of pain. I’ve all but stopped asking for it because I don’t want to cause her any pain.
At the end of the book, the 4hr Chef, Tim Ferris writes about getting schooled in pleasuring a woman. Share it with your wife. Offer to go out and get the training with the professional females. As this might create alternatives... Regardless, it becomes a great life skill...
Take your wife to the doctor so they can explain why she's in pain. There may be a medical reason. OR she's using it as an excuse to not have sex. I don't know obviously in your case but the first step should be talking with a doctor.
We can even find sex painful if there are unresolved emotional issues, because our anxiety is manifesting physically instead of verbally. One of my close friends experienced this with her now ex-husband.
I've been there, brother. Ended up being married to a roommate. We went to the doctor, and they gave her exercises to do to get better. She refused to do them or get a job because she "didn't feel well." Funny how after the divorce she magically felt well enough to get a job and she started doing the exercises the doctor subscribed. Whether she's in the mood or not, she should at least take care of you in other ways. If she can't, or won't, you have to explain to her that you still have needs, and if she can't fulfill them, you're going to need to get them taken care of elsewhere. That's just my thoughts on the subject. To hell with going the rest of your life with no action.
For guys there comes a point, a number of rejections where he says "Never Again". Hit mine in a 30 year marriage, after years of once a quarter I just said never asking again. She noticed more from the loss of getting me to do chores in the hopes of reward. Now I would belly crawl across a football field of broken glass before I would ever initiate. Stay because of my wedding vows and kids.
Paul says “Do not keep denying one another.””The body of the wife’s is the husband’s.””The body of the husband’s is the wife’s.” This can also apply more than just sexually - Fitness, weight, looks, etc.
Oh my....yes this hits home. I am married with two kids and the marriage has been sexless(no physical contact at all) for the last eight years. I have referred to my wife as a 'Room mate ' and 'Caretaker for the kids". We had the talk about sex frequency, she brought it up in fact, and in fact I gave her a really low number of once a week. Afterall I thought the sex was great while we were engaged. Even though she got pregnant 3 time, we never reached that average of sex once per week thoughout the entire marriage. This was her second marriage, my first. She left her first husband because she was abused by him so I wanted to give her plenty of space. When I brought up the frequency issue she would say something like 'All her mother(support group for new mothers that she joined when she became a new mother) don't have sex'. I did not press the issue. For the kids sake we stuck around but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
"All (my support grouo) don't have sex." If this were my situation and my wife said that to me, my response would be "I didn't marry any of them, I married YOU. Now, that said, are you telling me you don't want me anymore? Because if that's the case, I'll arrange the divorce and leave you free to find a man you DO want - or at least one that is ok with having a marriage on your terms." Then just look at her expectantly, as her response and actions will tell me all I need to know. You see, my wife of 25 years and I had a heart to heart on the topic 29 years ago. I told her that if the day ever came where she realized she doesn't want me anymore - not a momentary thing, but a general and persistent feeling - just let me know and we can go our separate ways. I won't stay where I'm not wanted - job, friend group, business, social group, romantic partner, doesn't matter. I leave. This has served me well for over 3 decades. Go where you and your services are wanted and appreciated if you want a happy life. Stay where you're not wanted or appreciated, and you'll experience unending misery and disrespect. This is the real reason being willing to walk away from "the deal", whether it be a business or personal relationship, is so powerful. Leave the shackles of emotional blackmail, false hope, wishful thinking and outright fraud behind you. Acknowledge reality and act accordingly. You'd be surprised how well it works. And don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy - if you're in a 10 year relationship and you've been nothing but turned down the last six months, that's like a business where income was good for 10 years but now there's no customers, it can't function like that forever. No future. That won't change unless YOU change something. As for my wife: except for after the birth of our boys and a few work trips, I've never gone more than a couple weeks without. Average now is about 1-2 times a week, varies. And I'm in my 50s. There's more I could go into, particularly a point about 10 years ago when there was a period of time where she started rejecting me more than 2 out of 3 times, but this comment is already a book... Salut.
@@pilotandy_com Here you go then, copy/pasta from another thread... As I've outlined above, I put it down plain and simple early on: If you're not happy with me, just go. There's the door. I won't keep someone who doesn't want me, period. Waste of everyone's time. Not saying we didn't have nights where the bedroom fun didn't happen - we're human. It's even gone the other way a few times, where I've refused her. Except for during pregnancy/after childbirth, I've never gone more than a few weeks without. But here's the thing: I don't think women realize how important intimacy is for men. And there was a period, I want to say about 2007 [the one and only time I threatened divorce, over a major disagreement on how to handle our autistic son] to about 2012, where the relationship was somewhat strained. She wasn't distant, per se, but never really "in the mood" either anymore. I don't remember the exact details - it was one night where she rejected me one too many times in a row. I was genuinely getting the feeling that she didn't want me anymore. I simply said "I understand", and left for a drive in the car, late into the night. [Our boys were aged 10 and 8 at the time, the 10 year old being the autistic one.] During my drive, a song came on by Passenger - "Let Her Go" - which felt so appropriate, and I started wondering if we'd reached that point, that she no longer wants me, that I need to cut her loose, and what would we do about our sons? Sometime around 1-2am, she called, wanting to know what happened to me. I said I'd be home shorty, and came home. When I came home and she asked me what was wrong, I let her listen to the song. Then I asked her point blank, did she not want me anymore - because if not, we need to make arrangements. She _freaked out,_ started apologizing, she never meant to make me feel that way, here she's available right now for anything I wanted - yeah, I rejected her then, I was so not in the mood, especially for what I perceived might be pity/"save-the-relationship" intimacy being offered instead of genuine from the heart type intimacy. We talked for a little while, then went to bed as I had work/kids had school in a few hours. I do recall she held on to me especially tight at that point. Funny thing: before that event, she would refuse me about 2-3 times for every one time she accepted. After, she has _never_ refused me, to the point where when I see she's uncomfortable for some reason I question her first, and don't engage if there's any doubt, as an unwilling or distraught partner never really participates in the first place. Side note: we live in Illinois, a no-fault state, where she would be guaranteed alimony and child support at that point, so it wasn't about the money, even then. That's the one power we have as men: our willingness to walk away. Don't stay in a relationship where you're not valued, one that doesn't benefit you long term, or is causing you ongoing misery where attempts to fix things go nowhere or worsen the situation. Have enough self respect to cut bait and move on, _even if children are involved._ Kids grow up better in separate households where at least one is happy vs. a single combined household that has ongoing misery. Staying and suffering is a _choice._ Adding one final thought: don't use the threat of leaving to get intimacy from her. As I mentioned above, it has to be from the heart. She has to want it too, otherwise all that will happen is, once the relief of keeping you wears off, she'll start to resent you, and it will just spiral down from there. If you're having that conversation where you're checking if you need to leave, don't accept intimacy then or within 48 hours after, as it will "feel" coerced on her end on some level [if you're truly pissed off and/or sad about the whole situation, you won't want it anyway]. Further, that conversation should happen no more than once in a decade or more - if you have to bring it up a second time, DON'T. Accept her _demonstration_ of lack of interest and respect, file for divorce and leave. If she asks why, then you can tell her - and no, she doesn't get a "second chance", you already gave that to her when you had the conversation and she burned it - what did she expect? NOW you're following through on your promise to her to not stay where you're not wanted. Better to be separated and have some respect [even if it's just self-respect at this point] than stay together being her doormat who can't hold the boundaries he draws.
@@TechnoMageB5 When there's kids involved, just walking away is not quite so simple in practice. Didn't see anything in your post, that you did anything other than be lucky. Even if you somehow managed to perfectly communicate your needs to your wife, I have yet to hear of a woman who knew of a way to increase her desire. So what is she supposed to do with the information?
Can confirm, when your partner "puts up with it" and is just laying there waiting for you to finish, its a worse turn off than simply saying "not tonight".
This is the only solution. Once she becomes uninterested, she'll never be interested again, no matter how much "communication" there is. Edit: unfortunately, most of us learned this too late
There are other reasons too. A hysterectomy three years into our marriage left my wife unable or unwilling to be intimate for the rest of our married life. It's been almost thirteen years, so far, of sleeping in opposite ends of the house. Never imagined an otherwise happy marriage could be such a cause for loneliness and despair ...
I saw a short video of a heterosexual man looking for another hetero man to get married to for the benefits of a two income household. No involvement in each others lives except sharing the chores and/or costs of having the chores done. Maybe having the occasional beer together. Bring home whatever women you want, stay out - doesn't matter. Two master bedrooms. Clean car parts in the dishwasher - doesn't matter. Hmmm.
I've been divorced for 21 years. I've been watching your video's for a while now. Your commentary more times than not hit the mark of how I feel. I appreciate your insights!
Bottom line, this is a major warning sign that there is something seriously wrong with your marriage. Address it sooner rather than later. Either through marriage counseling or through divorce court. If both partners are interested in working on it, it's option #1. Otherwise, it's option #2.
This video is gonna save lives. Share it far and wide guys. I was going through the same thing. I tried so hard to ask for change but failed. I wished someone would have talked about this earlier. But after leaving, now I feel so much happier. If the talk does not work, just leave guys.
@@judyperri9496 I don’t think it’s a fault situation, or it shouldn’t be. Sex is a need in a relationship, like you wouldn’t want to starve if you are hungry, or starve your partner because you are mad at them, withholding sex from a partner is practically starving then from physical love, intimacy, respect for the relationship. All of these comments are really sad. I am a woman. Never been married and I am probably putting my two cents in where they aren’t needed. I have been in relationships where unfortunately it was the other way around. He was either too tired or he had enough, it is a terrible feeling when they show how much they don’t care about your physical emotional and mental needs. It feels like a straight out rejection from the one person you expected to always support you. Marriage is definitely sounding less and less appealing with every video I watch.
The number one problem I see is that women, who we already know control access to sex, just lose interest, or see it as a chore they "have to do" to keep the man happy, and this will always build some level of resentment within her towards him. The bottom line really is that women resent us.
Appreciate your insights. Relationship issues always undermine intimacy. My first wife used sex as a weapon to get her way or inflict hurt. After a few years she didn’t want to be married, but also didn’t want to be perceived (by her family and church mainly) as the one who left the marriage. So she stonewalled me until I finally filed for divorce. Then she could say I was the bad guy and she was the innocent party in the whole break-up.
Women tend to prioritize all the other little chores and things to do over sex. I know my wife has a hard time shutting down her brain and being open sex if she feels stressed about the evening ahead. Then she is too tired for sex after she gets all the things done for the day. While we men are the exact opposite! I find having sex helps me destress about all the stuff that needs to get done. And of course I help her do these things. The key is making sure to get a couple items on the list done, then make time for intimacy, then go back to tackling the to do list together…. Sometimes easier said than done with kids and all. We still struggle at it, and sometimes it really feels like sex is just on her terms. I don’t think women really understand why men value sex so much in marriage. It’s way more than just a physical release. Men view sex and being desired as validation for the commitment. Sex makes your husband feel accepted and reassured. Women need to use some of that empathy they espouse so much and choose to view sex as as a way to validate your husband emotionally and make him feel accepted. Rather than just view it as duty sex.
You describe exactly my situation! I actually have a slightly different take on the "making time for intimacy" thing, which is often interpreted as "scheduling" and therefore taking the spontaneity out of it. The reality is that you need TIME for spontaneity. You CANNOT sit on your laptop, catching up on work, telling yourself that "I'm just doing these few last things while watching TV with my husband", and do that until 15 minutes before bed time, and then (after putting away the kids) get in the weekly sexy time. I mean, that is better than nothing, and at times of high work load/stress I kinda turn a blind eye... but in my experience, that's when things go bad. That is where the resentment starts. So of course us men aren't monsters. We know she takes stress at work. We know sometimes work needs to be caught up. That's all fine. Sometimes. But it would be nice, if just sometimes, you will schedule a "I'm not working, I'm camping on the couch with hubby and let's see where it goes" session. I mean, we all know where it is going, but doesn't that feel a lot less mechanical?
25 years of sexless marriage: She would not show any kind of affection or physical contact. My wife would not go to counseling. I had never been unfaithful and was a good father. I went through a bout of depression. I gave our marriage one more chance but she would not even try. So I left her. By that time our children were adults and were independent from us. I am glad I left. ThankYou for this video and all the responders. I will never remarry, but have a much better idea of what I want. It is emotionally releasing to say all this as I have only told thus to a handful of family and friends.
My greatest fear was getting into another low sexual frequency relationship. Having lived in a sexless marriage that ended in divorce and am now just short of a year in a relationship, that has amazing sex. I appreciate your advice. You are so so wise. Not sure what your background is but thank you for doing this episode in depth. It is my first non-meme that I have listened to of yours. Just today learning about your RU-vid channel. Desire levels definitely played a part in the demise of the previous relationship. Duty sex absolutely kills desire. But probably just as much is a lack of connection. It is amazing to be in a relationship where my spouse wants it every single day just like me compared to feeling like I was settling for twice a week when she only wanted it once every ten days. My greatest fear while dating was that I would find myself in a relationship where she stops wanting sex anywhere close to my level (at least 3 days a week please). It is still a fear, but, I believe that I can mitigate this by connecting deeply outside of sex every single day! Simple things like getting excited to see her every time we come back together increases her connection to me, and as a result I believe it will hopefully keep her desiring sex. Do you have further insight into this? Four years that you mentioned is great to know. Another question with background. In my first marriage. She saw sex as mostly just getting us each an orgasm (I wanted to keep kissing, snuggling, touching like foreplay sexually which may or may not lead to another round of orgasm but she saw sex as finished once we orgasmed). Sex lasted from 5 mins to no more than 30 mins. My current relationship sex is never less than 30 mins and has been as much as 3 hours. Most of the time it is a good hour. How does seeing sex in the two different manners impact long term if levels of sex will remain higher?
"when she only wanted it once every 10 days." And "it only lasted 30 minutes." This is about sexless marriages, so are you humble bragging or something?
Keep maintaining connection and validation outside the bedroom and you two should be ok... But if you want to have children, this will cause great upheaval in your frequency. Having young kids changes where the majority of your energy is going to be spent for a few years or more if siblings come in quick succession. Then open communication will be imperative to negotiating your new frequency going forward.
I was raised by a mother who rammed into my head that women don't like sex and I shouldn't pressure girls into sex so I didn't and I was constantly "friend zoned". Now I've gotten old and my drive is only a little above zero. Needless to say both my marriages failed and I have spent most of my life alone.
This is something I experienced throughout my marriage. I have never had any desire to pressure someone for sex who does not desire it willingly themselves, because for me the mutual desire is an essential part of the act. However I can honestly say it was a problem I was able to deal with and resolve on many occasions, though various difficulties, and we always found a way, until external interference in the relationship made it impossible for me to work though any issue. I therefore have no interest whatsoever in entering into another relationship in which there will always be external influence. I would rather be celibate and single than trapped in a situation where my relationship is essentially being used by others as a means of control.
My husband refused to have relations in our marriage and shamed me for being interested. I was literally asking other couples if this was normal. Nothing I tried worked. He simply told me he was no longer interested and happy about it.
For myself together for 17 years now, highschool love. Married for 11 years and recently (the past couple of years). I am now in the sexual desire/drive mismatch. I'm high she is low. I have tried all sorts of things to bring her back up to no success. Then when I try and talk to her about what's ailing her or what can we do to help. I get frustration and attitude. I'm losing the feeling of love, affection, physical intimacy, and just plainly the feeling of being wanted
I left the marriage after 18 years. One thing that wasn’t said is how some people let their bodies go completely. A person who goes from being gorgeous to obese makes it near impossible to desire the other person. Trust is also a big issue. I stopped sharing because everything I expected to be private would be shared with her family members or friends. I talked to her about it and she said she would change but that just made it go underground. A suppose a zebra can’t change its stripes. I’ve been out of that relationship for over a decade. I could name so many reasons for the lack of sex towards the end but then this post would feel like a rant and honestly I’m not interested in exploring that any longer. I had to let it go for my own sanity.
The lords work? Separated with 2 kids to 1 guy and now pregnant with another man's baby and isn't even divorced 😂 but sure she is doing the lords work! Cause he works through people who fail at marriage
This is something most guys don't expect, to be married and sexless. And with the education that internet provides about marriage alot of guys are not interested in getting married and either living a crap life or being divorce graped if they want out. I have been married and after a few years the sex just fades and usually the women put zero effort into pleasing their husband. I now fly to Thailand and enjoy the single life with younger women. I don't even care I have to pay for it sometimes it is far better then nothing and no options.
Reasons (@2:47): 1) Sexual desire mismatch 2) Frequent marital conflict 3) Break in Trust, other relationship issues 4) ED (physiological) 5) Lack of spice 6) Cheating 7) Abuse 8) Refusal to talk about lack of sex 9) Loss of sexual interest 10) Mental health issues Relationships may eventually encounter one or more of these, how you work to resolve issues
When she refuses to talk about the issues you're having in the bedroom, you're fighting a losing battle is what I learnt in my experience of this. Upsetting as it was ending a four year relationship at the time, and had considered proposing her, in the long run it was a good thing we went our separate ways as I'd dred being stuck in a sexless marriage.
This is what many men don’t understand. It takes two to tango in any relationship. If they refuse to even try to fix the problem or consider your needs even at the possible cost of losing you, it means they mentally checked out of the relationship long before having that conversation
I am always amazed at your wisdom. This is a great topic, and I am one that, after 10 years of sexless marriage could not take it anymore and had an affair. Of course there was more going on, I was not meeting her love language and visa versa. I would ask, she would never answer. It ruined my marriage of 43 years, and worse yet, has had a impact on my view of myself. I share your insights with all the “youngsters” I can. Bless you.
@@VinceA-jq6ds how is she supposed to know how to love you like you want if you can’t tell her what your love language is? Do you like physical touch and closeness? Do you like words of affirmation? Do you like getting gifts? Do you like it when she serves you? Try letting her know.
@@twoeagledrones I'm not saying that knowing what makes the other feel loved is bad. However, only accepting it the way you want it is not good. If you have different love languages should try to meet in the middle. Try to do what they like, but for some that takes work but also accept how they show love even if it is in their language, not yours -recognize the showing of love. With time and practice two can come together and get closer to using each others love language. But if the start is 'love me how I want to be loved or I don't accept it' does not work.
Hang on now. It's one fine to the accountable and say you weren't meeting her love language. Is she meeting yours? No. Did she even bother to find out yours or to satisfy yours? Probably no
One of the best things I've learned is to talk about issues fast. At least within a few days, if not immediately or as soon as it's okay to bring it up. Because that resentment will build even if you "dont let it bother you."
You said it correctly: “HE’S trying to do it all” “HE tries to follow the advice HE gets online”…. Yes HE tries. But fact of the matter, once the female gets what she wants, which is the ring, the house, the kid, definitely the kid or kids, then she knows he is trapped. It’s more expensive for him to leave than stay. So SHE abuses this situation to her advantage. Then files for divorce cause “she isn’t happy”…. Happens more often than not. Females turn that thing into a credit card slot and cash out.
Whether what you say is all true or not, I haven't heard of anything that a woman can do to increase her desire for her husband. That leaves her with the choice between pretending she has more desire than she does, and keep the perks of being married. Or pretending she's unaware of her husband's need while hoping today is not the day he had enough and files for divorce.
@@virtual-viking It's called marriage counseling. It's how adults work on the problems with their marriage. But if both partners aren't interested in doing that, the marriage needs to end. And sooner rather than later.
@@TerryProthero They say: "Desire can't be negotiated." But counselling is all about negotiation, so I don't see how that would help. She can go on hormones, or he may practice some PUA style manipulation to get the juices flowing. That's pretty much it.
@@tonywilson1336 that’s why I say , 2 opinions accept it as is or divorce. She’s not going to change her mind. Communication may save the friendship but it won’t save the romance
It's pretty simple. Most women are married to men they never were attracted to in the first place. They settle for second or third best, because they are not pretty enough to attract a man they are attracted to. Women consider 80 % of men as below average in attractiveness. Imagine this as a man. Would you like to have intercourse with a woman who is a 3 or 4? Of course not. This issue cannot be resolved. It can only be accepted. It's female nature. Therefore: If you are an 80 percenter (be honest with yourself!), do not get married, especially with the marriage laws that encourage and reward women to divorce their husbands. Also: do not accept marriage advice from a woman. Especially if she is not happily married herself for at least two decades.
"Honey, I don't feel like it tonight!" the second time in a row: no lawn mowed any more, no bills payed that make her life easier, no shopping, no repairs, no oil-change, no help with any housework whatsoever, no conversation, no answers, not a thing. When she asks what happened: You just don't feel like it right now. Let her figure it out. Oh, and bloody prepare for the end. Hide Your assets, take a lawyer, be prepared in every possible way. It won't get better.
Probably MOST times a husband steps out is because the wife has already made herself an ex by refusing to keep the marriage vows. Withholding affection needs to be seen as a serious form of adultery. Likely it's way more common than the statistics because men hate to admit this kind of failure as they perceive it and just end up finding love from someone who will, even while not ending his commitment the way his wife has ended her side as the gatekeeper of sex
When this happens and the "other woman" is less physically attractive than the wife, women will say things like "How could he? His wife is beautiful, much more than the other woman." It's not about that. The other woman no doubt showed high interest in the man, and enthusiastically wanted intimacy. You would think these cold wives, most of whom have advanced degrees, could figure this out and meet her husband's needs. But they'd rather be stubborn, create a miserable marriage and end up divorced or cheated on.
@@libertydrive4388 that's the raw deal... It needs to be called abandonment but men HATE admitting such failure and women wanna wait til they can blame him
8 years sexless for me, my divorce will be finalized in November of this year After 25 years of marriage. We met in high school . It all started innocent one day . I remember it very well, I drive a truck over the road. I got home after six weeks on the road. I had made dinner, I like to Cook it relaxes me. I picked things up around the house . I lit candles, had her drink poured . When she came home from work , she said “wow you made a spread thank you “ give me a kiss. We ate, had a good conversation and she said right after we went into the bedroom to lay down . I don’t feel good. I have a migraine. I’m thinking I been gone for weeks , now she has a migraine. she does suffer from migraine’s .she’ll go blind and half her face will go numb. They usually last about 3-4 days. So needless to say no sex that night or the week I was home. I left for another four weeks. I got sick when I got back home. no sex that time either. So now it’s been four months then she said she wasn’t feeling good again. Now I’m thinking she’s faking it , so I fake something to get back at her . I get up go wash my laundry leave the next day for 6 to 8 weeks , Now a year goes by, then it got to the point where we were turning each other down for various reasons . Now we have problems. we don’t even think about having sex. We sleep in different rooms. She slept upstairs. I slept downstairs’ she sat on one side of the couch, I sat on the other side of the couch. I making dinner , she eats it while on her phone, It got worse between us. We were just going through the motions .There was another topic that resonated with me on this channel that was discussed about when a woman asks a man to open up. I did that very thing, she use it against me. I never opened up again, and at that moment, I realize the writing was on the wall. I refuse to live the rest of my life like this. I’ll be 44 on October 29. You know what the sad thing is, neither one of us is really upset about the divorce proceedings.
My last relationship was a five year LTR and last year, maybe two were pretty much less, and if and when it felt more like begging, for it, and getting rejected, 99% of the time. That experience will mess with your mind and esteem and self worth Seriously. I may not have experienced it like alot of people. That little taste I got has made me more compassionate, even though I was never uncompassionate towards the situation or people in that situation, it has given me a much more personal feel for their situation and how terribly it affects you
I'm pretty sure if you look hard enough you might actually find the balls you were born with. Life is too short to waste it begging a woman for sex. If a woman doesn't lust after you she isn't worth the time of day, move on.
Another insightful video, Emily - thank you. You are one of a very few people who distinguish properly between “I think” and “I feel.” Any time someone says, “I feel that…” they are confusing thinking and feeling. You use “I think that…” a lot, which is proper. Feelings are emotions, not thoughts and logic. Brilliant!
WOW !! I thought i was in a very small minority with this issue !!! Apparently, i was way off in my estimations in the number of marriages suffering this !!! What i see as a very common theme is after the last child is born, the interest in true "meaningful" physical connections (for the women) falls way off !!! This has slowly happened to our marriage of 24 years !! We may have sex about every 3 months or so now , and when it does happen , i have asked for some attention many times until she just gets annoyed and gives in and "allows" me to do it !!! I desperately hate this !!! I want her to want it as much as i do but i fear those days are long in the past !!! I do try to talk about it with her but it never gets far because she feels i'm being ridiculous!!! Emily, dear lady , you hit many nails right on the head !!! I hope you will make this topic into an ongoing series !? I am quite interested in hearing more !!! And to any ladies that might read any of these comments ... Please , don't dismiss your man's feelings and just expect him to swallow his emotions in silence !? We're strong creatures when we have to be , but it's a lot easier to be a good man when you feel like your partner actually "wants" you !! Not just wants you around !!! *RANT OVER*
These comments are like a group therapy session. I thought I was the only one dealing with this. Sounds like an epidemic. Typical story: Been married almost 20 years. Sex was great the first few years of marriage. Kids came, and her interest started to wane. Not just sex, but the touching, fooling around, etc. that had been so frequent. She had some health problems that made intimacy difficult, and I tried to be patient. The health problems went away, and so did the intimacy. Now it's like living with a platonic roommate. I've brought it up several times, and was told she still has interest and would try to initiate, but it NEVER happens. Now the rare times we do have sex, her vibe is so half-hearted and disinterested, it kills my interest. It's tough to get excited with someone who seems like they're doing it purely to check a box out of a sense of obligation. Seems a man in this spot has a few options: live like a monk, lose yourself in the world of adult entertainment, have an affair, hire pros, or file papers. The last option would be messy AF, so it's probably not worth it. No one is perfect, but I've got to say, IMO this is mostly her fault. I have stayed in good shape, have a good, steady job, never cheated, do a lot of chores around the house. Doesn't matter. And they wonder why so many men seem angry.
My brother got remarried after a decade plus of divorced life. His sex life with his partner went from frequent, to none, almost immediately after "putting a ring on it"....they got divorced in a year or two later. His first wife cheated on him, so, I'm going to say, marriage is not that great of a deal from his perspective. Irony seems to be that for men, getting married is the way to have LESS sex, not more. Perhaps staying single is best. Perhaps celibacy is best?
As someone who is married and has been married for 11 years I can tell you that marriage is amazing. Yes sometimes things are hard but when in life is that not true for everything? What you have to do is take a risk and find somebody who is worth fighting for. Find somebody who has the same values as you and wants to work towards a marriage. A lot of people are very selfish and have a lot of ego. Ego is a marriage killer
33 years of a sexless relationship. All I can say is there is not loneliness more profound than having her in bed. Thanks Emily, for helping me to understand that I'm not alone. And that I could have done better for us both. A little late for me now, but the info needs to get out there. If one wants a co-operative relationship one must be able to find comfort in being vulnerable. Be brave my next generation...Thanks again Emilywking.
Many men get tired of rejection, sometimes it starts when children are small and people are tired, and the wife may be very flirtatious with other men when out socialising, but then reject advances from her husband. A man in this situation may throw himself into his work and just become the provider for his family, but will no longer humiliate himself by initiating and being rejected. Men do not take humiliation very well. Once they are in that mire, it is difficult to change the situation.
There are few absolutely necessary aspects that fall on men. He has to be respected by her which means he should be a good provider, he should keep himself physically fit and know how to lead. In other words, he has options. A woman who understands that the competition never stops will stay on her game and continue her attraction for him. What I found in failed relationships is the communication broke down and the other side stopped listening and/or caring. For most men we bond physically with our mate and if sex is not met, he will stop connecting with her. I told my ex wife and any women who I see that sex is absolutely part of the relationship and if it drops, along with her genuine desire for me, the relationship over.
Just ended a relationship that got to that point and I'm 34 tried to fix and was never good enough or got a no and enter any excuse here. Together 10 years 5 years only home on weekends because I'm a semi driver owner operator
In our open communication. Feelings get hurt and it builds up hurt feelings and depression but no progress. Ive learnt just to keep it bottled up . Ill agree with you 💯.
Before I was married I either heard or read that if a couple puts a penny in a jar each time they have sex prior to marriage. They will never empty the jar after marriage. This is true a majority of the time. This could be from health issues later in life or sexual compatibility or emotional needs not being met by the man. The disconnect comes from men getting the emotional connection from sex and the woman needing the emotional connection to have sex. There must be some compromise between the two people. For men I can tell you never let your sex life with your wife become "Transactional." This means your wife has no genuine or true desire for you. The amount of intimacy you receive is based solely on the amount of tasks you complete. This game starts with the man earning points for doing tasks around the home that weren't traditionally his when you first married. Basically traditional gender based tasks. Think old school 1950's. The man will earn points by doing the female based traditional tasks. The Issue is you don't know now many points are needed for intimacy and you don't know how many points each tasks reward is. A major problem can quickly take you right back to ZERO. Another issue is when you do get rewarded. It's lacks passion or effort on her part. You will have to instigate the intimacy (You are already doing that I'm sure) But remember this. Besides these additional tasks. You will still be required to do your male traditional gender tasks as well. Of course the standard tasks of provisioning and protection are in this group. A word to the wise. When things are going good and you are keeping up with your 90% of that bargain. Be careful of your actions and your words. She's going to be looking for an excuse to negate your points. Be aware that she could care less if she ever has sex again. The only reason she did in the first place was to get that contract with the government signed and the children she loves way more than you. A quick suggestion for big points. If she's close to her family. Any positive interactions with her family is huge points. Also giving her free time alone while you take the kids somewhere for an extended time is by far the biggest points you can get. Lastly a good indicator on your marriage is if the only time she seems upbeat, positive, and tries to look good is when she is planning a girls night out. That means your pretty much done. Ok men that's my feeble ass two cents on the subject. As always remember that no man gets out alive and no man is to good to not have to go through marriage just once. When in doubt go MGTOW and adopt a dog if you want true 100% love and loyalty.
There are several studies regarding sexless marriages, reporting statistics which range from 30% up to 35% of all marriages being sexless, which is actually defined as sex once per month or less. There are also an additional, significant percentage of the remaining marriages where the wives weaponize sex, using extended sex strikes to coerce and manipulate their husbands. Both imposition of sexless marriage and weaponizing sex through sex strikes constitute emotional abuse, and the perpetrators are overwhelmingly women, not men. Sex is essential to both form and to maintain the emotional connection and pair bond. Daily is the ideal, daily for the most part with every other day from time to time, is still good. Daily mixed with every other day and every three days is the bare minimum. Below that, the emotional connection/pair bond dies, and with it, the relationship. The single most common reason that men cheat, is to satisfy their sexual needs that their wives are refusing, or withholding via sex strikes. As much as one may wish to condemn infidelity, one should also accept that imposing sexless marriage or extended sex strikes is equally worthy of condemnation. Women generally do not cheat to satisfy ignored sexual needs, but to secure another man. Men cheat to stay in their marriage, while women cheat to leave it.
Yup. You explained it very well. Also, Women being hypergamous will often cheat to try to trade up to a husband or boyfriend who has a higher status/income. But they maintain the original relationship just in case the new one doesn’t work out. In other words, they string along their current partner because they would rather not be alone for various reasons, sometimes financial, sometimes social or emotional reasons. They may deny sex to the current partner while offering sex to potential upgrades. When a higher status man becomes available they will cheat and eventually leave their current partner for that man if they can secure the higher status partner. Men who have committed to a long term relationship and are trying to be good partners sometimes cheat after a while of deprivation in order to get the affection and excitement that is being denied them in their sexless relationship. Their female partner may be denying sex but still expecting fidelity from the man. Men can only tolerate this for so long before they get desperate for some kind of feeling of self-esteem that comes from a sexual relationship with a woman who desires them. Men really benefit in terms of physical and mental health from feeling respected and desired by their woman. If they remain monogamous, despite the denial sex by the female, the men may turn into pornography to try to satisfy some of their desires, but then they get criticized for that as well. It’s a no win situation for some men. Side note: There are many abusive, toxic and evil men in this world. I am not referring to those men in this discussion. I am referring to the men who are trying to be good partners, good boyfriends, good husbands, good fathers, based on what they understand that means in our society. These men are trying to live up to expectations, and despite that effort they are not getting the love and affection that they desire in the sexless relationship.
I dislike their definition. By their definition of not having had sex in a 6 to 12 month period I was doing well with once every 3 months. I would consider a marriage where the partners had sex with each other 6 - 12 times a year at most to be low to sexless. Wondering how that changes that 15%.
With y'all in this. Was in a 24 year relationship that happened. 4 years totally sexless not one time. Multiple other 6+ month breaks. When it was regular it was like 6 times a year. To me it was all sexless after our second child. I left when they were both in college after about 14 years of very low to no sex. I never once stepped out and cheated tho. Painful it was.
@@505GoatCorrect. 10 times or less per year while (and this bit is also important) one of both partners desire more, is technically sexless. That's about once every 5 weeks, but if you're at once a month, you're pretty much there already.
I am considering divorcing my wife now because of this. I am lucky to get a hug and I am done with begging. We have been married for over 25 years. First few years were good, but it's been near nothing every since.
Guys, IMO, I believe this is all about respect. I was in a marriage in which neither my wife or I respected one another anymore. That’s an intimacy killer except for the occasional obligatory 2 min deal. We were both at fault for the marriage ending and I accept most of the blame! It was my fault, generally. Didn’t know how to lead, didn’t know how to be respected, and was in a colossal financial rut. Advice from post-divorce: - it’s far worse than anything you can imagine. - unless there’s a villain, it’ll suck mightily. - do something, ANYTHING, at which you are truly great. Do that! Do it now. - women like guys with confidence. We get confidence doing things we’re good at. - FORGET TRYING. Just do what brings you joy. Youre probably a dang sad sack. Intimacy will NEVER HAPPEN when you’re sad and down. Be happy! Do that which brings a smile to YOUR FACE! She will perk up! She wants a producer, a creator, someone who sparks her curiosity again. Make sure it’s YOU! .
We had many years of a sexless marriage. It turned out that she had been sexually abused as a child and I was never told until years into things. She hated sex, and the rare times we were intimate she just tried not to breath and wanted it to be over as soon as possible. Now she died from stomach cancer, and I'm facing the rest of my life wondering what to do. Not sure if I can trust anyone or if I even understand how to HAVE a marriage which is sexual. I'm in therapy and it still isn't adding up. I can't decide if I'm excited about things now or scared of all women.
Sorry what you were going through .i am ethiopian i thought only ethiopian women after marriage hates sex sorry about my english. Let she RIP your wife.
The risk, at least for a guy with kids, even broaching this topic seems insurmountable. Statistically speaking, we have everything to lose, for the possibility of only some gain. I appreciate the advice given, and it’s all sound. But when kids get added to this mix, the calculus changes. Fast.
@Northern Michigan I waited that long only bcos I had 2 daughters. I left after both were in college for their sakes. But if I'm honest, after we split and my daughters both got her side of the story then mine, they both told me privately they wished we hadn't stayed together in such an unhappy situation for both the ex and myself.
No intimacy in my marriage has led to an almost sexless marriage. It doesn't help that my wife is a narcissist who withdrew almost all affection after around a year into the marriage. The only reason I haven't left is because of our son.
This video has hit so many problems within my common law marriage. There has been trust issues( all of them are on my part) only cause of the sexless relationship and cause of such I was the one that found relief from other things. Like I have heard from many people once you put a ring on it, good luck getting in. It’s locked tighter than Fort Knox’s. 😢
I am totally aligned with your prospective as always. Talking about it, finding time to openly and honestly discussing it, can only be for the better of the relationship, if that is not the complete remedy. I grew up as an old school type of guy, learned that when something is malfunctioning, you try to fix it and not throw it away.
I'm old school too. If you can fix it, do it. If not, throw it away or sell for parts and get one that works. Not throwing my life away after a bad marriage.
A friend turned me onto your videos and I have to say I'm grateful. Unfortunately I can say that a lot of what you talk about is what affected my relationship.
sad fact, but that initial spark and chemistry rarely lasts for more than a few years... and after you've had chicken every night for five years straight, sometimes you want some steak. it doesn't mean chicken is bad, you just want something new to titillate your tastebuds.
Wow, had no idea I wasn’t the only one. Been married 36 years with 25 of them sexless. Yeah, should have left a long time ago when I was young with a great job. Wouldn’t have been a financial disaster as my wife had an even better job. But I stayed thinking it will get better. But somewhere along the line, like Pavlov dogs, the constant rejection sort of killed my desire. Every time I was in the mood, just thinking about approaching my wife killed all desire. The cancer didn’t help. It’s not that I’m unhappy, I still live with a good friend and we have fun together, it’s just not a marriage. It’s room mates. Not what I had ever imagined my life would be. She absolutely doesn’t love me. When I decided to have the prostate surgery (it took me 8 months to decide to just not let it progress naturally since it’s a 11 year death sentence) I didn’t tell her I was getting operated on or that I had cancer. When she found out she insisted on driving me, but never asked why I didn’t t want her to go. I didn’t want her to go because I didn’t want her to have to fake her reaction to the doctors and nurses. There was literally NO OUTCOME she wouldn’t have to fake her reaction. Run those scenarios through and you’ll see how my relationship is. Of course menopause happened in there as well and she refuses to see a doctor. Lol, I brought it up to her about 1 month ago how I miss intimacy. That she turns me down whether it’s morning, a matinee, after dinner or at bedtime. She actually said “you only ask when you want it”… duh, I can’t read your mind to figure out when you want it, as far as I can tell that’s never. That’s not how this works, when you’re in the mood you let me know and when I’m in the mood I let you know. You know what changed after that? Nothing! Early years I went through the whole be sweet, supporting, do tons of household chores, do all the things she likes, go to the places she wanted to go. You know what changed after that? Nothing! Now I’m old, life has passed me bye. Regrets are history. I wish life had do overs, but it doesn’t. Maybe reincarnation. For those in the early stages let me give this advise. She’s not going to change for any real length of time. Run don’t walk to the nearest exit. In the long run, you’ll just be living half a life. Better to take a few steps back and then be able to move forward to get passed where you are now and find someone who loves you as much or more than they love themselves. Bottom line her is that if they really loved you, they’d make the effort. Especially for us old guys, what’s an hr twice a week?
Wow same history like mine , I married for 20 years last 6 with out sex , she hit the menopause but she refused to go to the doctor , and went I ask for sex she always told me , u ask went u want .. of course I told her never ask u again … well at 55 I am divorcing… never isto late , life is short
The last four years of my marriage were sexually dead. I later found out she was having an affair. Men, don’t necessarily believe it’s about her desire being low or health etc. etc. Our marriage was good otherwise. Spend a few grand and hire a PI, just eliminate that possibility. More women are cheating than ever before.
So sad when a marriage suffers in the sex department. We seriously need to talk about sex. I recently found that quite a few Christian communities are very much open to talking about sex, and they are really nice about it. There is also help from good Doctors, exercises, etc. Womens clubs can also be supportive ❤️
My situation isn't that bad yet. Married for 18 years. Not much desire after we got married, like only having sex once on week-long vacations. Her desires became almost nothing after the second child. She's not heartless like some of the other women I'm reading about in the comments, but we've gone from once a week to maybe once or twice a month. Part of that is my fault, as I'm no longer pushing for it. Though I suppose I should be glad for at least that, my desire is for at least twice a week. The consequence is I simply don't believe any of her other gestures to show she loves me. She does show them, but I find them hard to believe. I see getting along well with her as both my duty to my vows and for my kids. We've talked about it many times, and she's sympathetic, but like a bad habit it just becomes a thing to-do for her until it slips her mind again. I want to feel wanted, but I don't think I've felt that for years. I don't want to cheat, but I find I am seeking praise in other places to compensate. It has mostly solved or masked the depression, but it's not making us any closer... just making it easier for me to tolerate.
honestly sex is great.....but its not everything my guy.....do you love this woman? do you guys enjoy life together still? is sex the one thing you guys are missing right now? then don't leave! try to fix it man. I'm rooting for you! remember sex is literally to reproduce and not for pleasure. that's unpopular in modern society but you get my point.
She shows you she loves you AND still puts out only slightly less than average in America… and you’re this upset? Your feelings are valid but maybe see a therapist because she’s clearly doing her best. Dealing with being a mom, showing you acts of service and it’s still not good enough?
@@StormyHallahan At your prompting, I checked the US statistics and you're right that this falls within the normal range. I'm not in the US, but I don't expect things to be much different where I live. I shouldn't therefore look askance as if this was anything abnormal. As for your other comments, I think there's still an issue if the thing that speaks "I love you" to you isn't felt. For instance, if she mainly feels connected to me when we go out and do things together, how would she feel if we only did that a few times a month? Moreover, how would she feel if when we go out I don't show enthusiasm, like I'm just going because I have to and/or doing the minimal? Does that count to her as being loved? If I do other things out of love for her, but I did that poorly, she might come away feeling unloved too. And feeling like that over time could cause problems. In that sense, yes the other things I do would not be good enough. And so I would answer likewise in the reverse.
Heyyy! Glad your doing more content. BTW you are absolutely beautiful. Anyway can you address the issues w women nowadays? I mean it's like if your a regular decent dude, women are making it a sin to approach and do way us men are supposed to do! Basic male female interaction is a sin now? BUT, it's ok to seek out a transtesticle?!!! Wtf ? Why has our world become so toxic and difficult? An overall issue that needs help. Thanks! You rock my world girl!!!
Yaaaaas queen. 😂 sorry i had to. My guy is definitely suffering from the blue pill … My personal advice as to understanding the male-female dynamic, as well as those questions you have lies in a RU-vid content creator called Allexander Grace It is going to answer a lot of your questions in a compassionate and understanding way it is going to be respectful of your desire and current view of the world and female nature, but it is going to give you some valuable insights and you will understand the male female interaction so much better afterwards I have been watching for awhile, and I have to say it is pretty much the best male female dating advice on RU-vid In fact, Emily does a podcast with a guy called Todd, who is an avid supporter of this RU-vid channel . It is spitting absolute gold For an equally as compassionate, yet honest and realistic approach, yet sprinkled in with perhaps a few more practical applications is the channel of Anna Jorgensen , your wingmam
I feel like Morpheus, who has just given neo the choice of the blue and the red pill Except that, I have pointed you to the ethical and good side of the red pill . There is a lot of frustration and anger and contempt, and thus people exploiting that in a grift and misogynistic manner. Trust me, Allexander, Grace and your wing man are the pinnacle of advice . It’s not about getting laid. It’s about healthy relationships with yourself and secondly, with women and understanding what’s going on.
