Surprising Reason PEOPLE CHEAT In Happy Relationships! | Esther Perel 

True, unfortunately.

That’s the best RU-vid comment I’ve ever read, and I dare say I won’t read on as true as that ever again

@@bejanminlucas6489 UK bv ihb bu b hbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbhhb bv bbbhbbihbbbhhbb bbn bbbhhbbbbhbbbbbbbbbb bv bbbbbbbbbbbhbbbbbbb ih bbbbbbbbb bv bv bbbvbbbbbbbbbbbhhhbbbbbbbb bgg bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbn bbb bv bbbbb bv bbbbbbb ih bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbhbbb bv bbbbbbbbb;bbbbibbbbbbb bbn bb bbn bbb bgg bbbbbbbbbbb ubbbb bv hbbbbbbbbibbbbbbbb bu bbbbbbb;hii bgg hiu. Hi hhhhuu bu:

i’m quoting this on my ig

@@kyleegrace8390 my pleasure ❤️

Yep it's not a mistake it's a choice. I totally agree with you Mustafa Colak.

@donald johnson you nailed it 😂

Nothing is done by mistake its always thought of first almost as if planned then done

@@ebonywilliams2186 In the "real world" people make unintentional mistakes in relationships. Not everything is well calculated and premeditated.

Nailed it! and Some are Sex Addicts and cheat as a Lifestyle. Still a choice. Best for non-monogamous people to have an open relationship with a partner that is also non-monogamous.

😂💗

👍

Ya i wish women would be like this, i feel this is a mans way of thinking. I find women have the mindset of “ im not doing anything wrong so”.

Divorce is unavoidable if both parties don’t try. Once the love is gone they’re no hope and is best to walk away. I understand how this happens, it’s no one’s fault, sometimes the upkeep is too much. That being said, for men there is no real gain from a marriage, the woman has most to gain. This really applies to men that are well off, unless you want kids no reason to get married.

There's one even if don't have kids. Someone to share you life with.But I think marriage can for some put pressure on a relationship.Sometimes living with someone is better not worried about that pressure for some your faithful but not under pressure.

If you are innocent and your partner suspects you of cheating or becomes overly jealous, that is on them. It is not a good idea to limit your own life and to walk on eggshells just to avoid the emotional instability of your partner. One will die a slow death doing that. Instead, the partner should work on their insecurities and create more stable emotions inside of them. Also, the more a partner accuses and suspects one of cheating, the more it indicates that they are either doing it or are thinking about doing it.

Oh my, seriously. So over simplified. Saying that actually tells us nothing. What do you mean by they want to. cHave you not listened to what Esther says about infidelity?

@@heartspacerelaxations6924 If they didnt want to, they wouldnt. Simple as that. These are grown adults with full autonomy over their own bodies. Cheating is a nuanced topic but at the end of the day, there is no valid reason for it (in a lot of cases).

@@heartspacerelaxations6924 Yes. But at the end of the day it’s a choice. We can’t control what we feel, but we do control what we DO. The only issue is whether we take responsibility for it, or we don’t (I couldn’t help myself…) Her point is that infidelity isn’t necessarily a sign of a troubled marriage. It’s that the cheating partner wants something or is seeking something for themselves through sex. To feel young. To feel excitement. To avoid facing something in themselves. Her point is that you’ll miss that root cause if you just focus on “fixing” the relationship and dealing with the betrayal.

@@yuhaye6978 I largely agree with you. The only situation where I start to have some empathy are marriages where there is a dead bedroom. If you’re not being intimate at all with your partner and not making any effort to address this? Then I think you’ve already violated the marriage. It is not a marriage at that point. You’re roommates. You cannot reasonably expect someone to live the rest of their life like that. If they’re are children involved then leaving gets complicated.

@@kellygreenii true. there are situations where things can get complicated.

Wise))

Truth

It's easier when not married in church... But when you're to an extremist Christian trust me... I know what am talking about...

True however sometimes the partner can cause the cheater to cheat intentionally or unintentionally. The partner might have some values that supersede the cheaters and cause them to cheat as they look for an escape. Like the lady in the video says you have to be in tune with one another. Yes my wife had issues and she cheated but I failed to be in tune with her to correct or improve the relationship, perhaps a part of me wasn't happy from the get go idk. Plants die they die... let's build new ones that are stronger... try try and try again but dont let previous relationships darken future opportunities. I am not expert though.

@@viper3636dr blaming the victim. The cheater chose to harm the person who trusted them the most. No one MAKES someone cheat. It's the cheater's CHOICE. Blaming the victim is just the cheater trying to justify what they did to make themselves feel better. The cheater should be taking ownership of the lies and the pain they have inflicted. They need a counselor and find out why they act like this and learn how to not do this to anyone again.

💯

Agreed!

YOU are in control of YOUR personality, NOT everyone else.

@@TomikaKellyonly a few can have full control of themselves. We are all affected by our surroundings

You're right. Sometimes it seems that marriage is equal to freedom deprivation.

bullshit! you are just flirty

Why did you stay with your husband after he had a affair did that turn you on

Love you always from the bottom of my heart

The fact that you put in the work to see the story to the ultimate end and what would happen in the aftermath of infidelity despite the pain, shares a lot about you. I think the big takaway for you as compared to those who decide to leave is that you are 99.9 percent sure that there was no other way for it to have worked, you were left with only one option, to seperate. You saw that to the end and made sure!

Beta.

You should leave. Women cheat for different reasons than men.. She doesn't see you as her best option. Don't be a cuck. Save what dignity you have left while you still can. Good luck to you

@@xyzzyx348 you do sound like one.

Yeah, she's super smart in thought and always finds the right words to express them. I'm a lot more hesitate and imprecise in my speech and I'm a native speaker!

🙌

I have the feeling that I mostly read "just leave". The prevalent mentality seems to be "return that thing to Amazon and get a new one". Because if I stay I have to go deep inside me, discover what I truly want and have to communicate this to my partner. Also I have to really think about what makes _her_ shine and support that while taking into account all her dark sides too and don't reject them or be afraid of them but somehow a) recognize their impact on her personality why I find her attractive in the first place and b) bring a kind of loving discipline to them so she can't just "let them roll". This is my status quo of knowledge/experience.

This should happen by both partners though. If only one is doing the work while the other "just" finds excuses to cheat ("oh, I am bored by the routine", "I am going through rough patches at work", "I think I am not attractive anymore" etc) then where is the love?

@@matinaki1644 there definitely isn’t any love if that’s the case.

👍

agree, or how she analyses and makes sure she answers based on the specific context and is cautious to not overgeneralize...she is meticulous indeed

Happy to hear this :)

I agree 100% and the perfect example is: My highschool sweetheart and I dated for nearly 5 years but broke up while I was in college. We split because she had difficulty with the distance and her desires to go out and was having feeling incompatible with a monogamous relationship. Fast forward 37 years with zero contact and because of a chance meeting, we met again and have been together ever since and neither of us has been happier!

Well, my wife was my first girl friend and we broke up in high school got back together for a while in our mid twenties but I guess the time wasn't right so went our seperate ways and found ourselves back together in our late 20s now married 12 yrs. Only regret is not marrying her sooner. Life is short don't waste it messing around - if you know who you're soulmate is then stay with them and live all you can with them.

Jayne. I cheated on my wife of 26 years for 5 weeks but when I found myself lying and deceiving her, I came clean. I was definitely looking for lost parts of myself. I came clean with my wife. It was weird how I could cheat on her but I had too much respect and love for her to lie and deceive her. We did divorce but we remain friends to this day. I'm not sure why she doesn't hate me but she doesn't and I value her and her friendship very much. It's been 11 years and I still struggle with my actions.

@@chriscollins48 I’d say “coming clean” is certainly preferable than a spouse/partner finding out for themselves. However I guess the betrayal has already happened despite “coming clean” and though I don’t know the reasoning behind your divorce, I wonder if the break in trust may have contributed towards that outcome- as I think it’s something that’s very difficult to re-establish.

@@chriscollins48 she doesn't hate you because you came clean and she didn't find out from someone else which most women consider ultra embarrassing… maybe you really love her, and she really loves you but only time will tell because the healing process takes time, maybe you are true soulmates or maybe you are just get along really well, wish you good luck figuring out life 🥂

​@@chriscollins48 She probably doesn't hate you because she probably already checked out of the relationship by the time you cheated, she just didn't leave yet. The divorce set her free to live the life she longed for without having to compromise her values nor integrity.

@@TomikaKelly You are incorrect in your assumption. She was very happy. You're a little late to the party. Cheers.

It's not your fault that someone cheats. People are either the sort who will cheat or the sort who will not. If they're unhappy in the relationship, they need to end it...THEN go on the hunt for someone new. I'm not the cheater sort. I would feel too guilty and trashy. Even if my partner were a jerk, I'd leave him before I'd cheat on him.

She does say that often in her books and on her RU-vid channel.

Congrats for recognizing your worth at last and standing by your self . After the challenges of the Narc emotional abuse . Keep it up . Be the Boss of your thoughts and actions hereafter . No looking back

Cheating is cheating, there is nothing different about it, its just cheating, and it should be over, not fixed or repaired, it should be absolutely over.

Can you please explain what you mean by codependancy in that context? I feel like I'm going through a similar situation :(

🙌

because the mask came off

When your partner treats strangers and acquaintances better than you, that’s a huge red flag.

🙌

Thank you so much! Your comment made my day 😊

Glad this was helpful for you🧡

Thank you so much for your support! 🧡 Any chance you can pre-order a copy also? It would mean a lot to me if so! Here is the link: lewishowes.com/gmytcc

🧡

“Emotional rape of the heart” - you nailed it. I don’t believe the cheating partners who say they still love their partner either. They clearly have a distorted understanding of what love is.

Not always true. Both my parents died, i was in a foreign country and I wanted children and he wasnt ready, we had a lot of issues and its not that simple. It was never premeditated for me.

@@nelly85ful I agree. It disturbs me when people say ”just leave”. It is never that simple.

Don't make conclusions before you walk into people's shoes.... Understanding is better than judging.

I liked that definition: an emotional rape of the heart!

👍

Cheaters feel a certain void within themselves so how are they in a "happy" relationship? And even if they are in a "good" relationship (let's say this stands) then they are absolutely not in a loving relationship. The only instances someone could cheat and love his or her partner is physical or psychological impairment of the loved one and one time stupidity after heavy drinking or such where you do not control yourself (this one is tricky though). The latter accompanied by remorse.

He absolutely loves and respects this woman, he is so entranced :) It's delightful because we all are!!

Did you ever tell your partner you cheated on them ?

@@garethmorgan3665 uh yeah, of course. told her the truth when she asked. I filed. divorce took 2.5 years. finalized 2020. except the damn qrdo of course.

You made a conscious decision on how you would "connect with your lost parts and heal yourself" by cheating instead of using therapy to heal.

Glad you enjoyed it! Means a lot!!!

my mind is telling me noooo! but my body's telling me yessss! - R Kelly

👍

Hello Susan, I read or saw advice on this topic before: Trying out new things for/by yourself and priorityzing them. Like a dancing class you go to alone every so often. Or whatever you want really. And enjoying it by yourself or with other people. It can motivate your partner after some time, when they see how you shine with that new energy. Then they might want to participate in what you are doing, or to create something new with you. The partner sees the benefits of trying new things on you, without feeling obligated to participate. That can motivate them without feeling like it would be too much work. They start to think about it more light heartedly. I do not know if this is helpful to you personally. Have a good day :)

Be this as it may, divorce is STILL an option. Cheating is not.

trust

Unconditional love is a myth. Everything is conditional.

@@trippstephens6934 I agree..at least as humans

aka being someone's chump. A doormat if you will.

I see no difference in the fundamentals of it. Once twice or whatever, damage is done.

@@tww11 agree both are extremely hurtful... professionals know the difference. In our Marriage, we both had to heal from ex’s that were serial adulterers. It’s part of the narcissistics mental health disorder, sex addiction and lifestyle. VS A few of our friends that had a partner cheat One Time on them... it was due to the breakdown of their relationship for a variety of reasons. OR they married for the wrong reasons to begin with. Signs of instability and relational dynamics were completely different.

Chanelle, pretty name by the way. I relate with you. But my story is a little different. I didn't cheat, but I was honest and open about my wants and desires along with a great listener. Truth is the turn on for me. I hold that trust and attach it to my heart and never throw it back in their face later. That's what I strive for, that close bond. When or if a friend or lover share a personal experience that they think about, or have done. That trust they have in me brings a bond like no other. If you build that trust you can do anything together. It's between them and me (so you hope so) when you share your wants or needs with your spouse, it's none of anyone else's business. I'm so sorry that his people are now involved and judging you. That person is very insecure Man-Child as we call it here in Orange County California. His family and friends should find out your situation, what are you going through and talk with you and as supporting friends and family now that they're in evolved. My ex is so afraid of the truth that she rather write me stories about her fantasies, say I wrote this because I thought you would like it. Then turns around and tells everyone friends and family this is what he likes. They start the same shit you're going through and it's really her kink not mine. It's her way to get it out there and have it judged and not expose her dark mind by saying it's me. If She wasn't so insecure and could be honest with herself. Judge me for the Man I am and been. I never would share her secrets bad or good with anyone but us. We would of had the strongest and closet bond and relationship. Not to mention that closeness brings trust and understanding. It builds security within your self and the relationship. We could of had the strongest and closet bond that we could do the fantasies she desired. It would of been JUST between us. Not friends or family with their one sided story. You know what Chanelle? I am a trust worthy man and man of my word. I still and never will break my promise. I won't tell her parents or friends that it's actually her thoughts and desires. She is so scared to talk or even see me. That's fine with me. I'm over her and it. It's been 4 year's now. Good riddance to them all. But the funny thing is, her girlfriends and even her own sister try and get me to be their man. Nope ! I'm done with that entire group. I'm successful, not bad looking and happy. I have a lot going on and while doing the thing's I enjoy I'll cross pathways with same minded girl and have a wonderful life together raising our own families. And sharing just between us, our fantasies not our parents or friends. My parents are gone too. Mom was murdered in Detroit MI. Dad died broken hearted in Miami Florida. So I don't know how you feel but I do understand what it's like to be alone. I had all this happened to me as I was dealing with their deaths. Plus a whole lot more too. I wanted to reach out to you and say. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for the way you're being treated by people you should of had to support you instead of judge wrongly. Please don't beat yourself up for wanting to be happy and fill the void that wasn't, but should of been there from a guy and his people. Thing's really do happen for reasons. Be thankful you're hopefully rid of those closed minded uncaring nonloveing people. You dodged a bullet girl. Could you imagine dealing with them for year's to come? Let alone forever.. Well, I don't know you, you don't know me either. But you have a new friend in me. If you like, and only if you feel comfortable I like to offer you my contacts and someone to talk to. If that's okay with you? Also, listen to a song called No More Cloudy Day's. It's by a band called The Eagles.. If I don't hear a response from you ( Nooilnogas@aol.com) just remember, you'll be okay. And you have a caring friend in me. Preston Monroe

You cheated sso its a karma that you are alone now.you should have realized that you dont haveanyone in that country and should have treasured yourrelationship with your husband.and now you are complaining that youre alone.karma is fast in your case.

@@prestonmonroe6219 how can you encourage to be friends with her if she has trusts issues?once a cheater is always a cheater.she will do it to you if just incase you will have a relationship.she deserved to be alone because she is a cheater.

You cheated that was your conscious decision regardless of your environment, you have to deal with the aftermath and all the lives tou affected. Not that complicated.

I’m sorry about your losses. The aftermath of your cheating was a consequence of the cheating-you have no control over who your ex-partner confided in just as he had no control of your actions. You have to take accountability for your actions to move forward. I do agree that it would have probably been better dealt with privately

Then they haven’t chosen monogamy as the kind of relationship they want and a woman should ask what kind of relationship is he looking for when they first start dating. And if she notices this about him in the beginning and knows that’s not what she wants she needs to leave him alone and let him find a woman that is accepting of that lifestyle.

Not only Haitian my dear.. Came to Europe... Even the dating online exists for married people... Marriage has lost meaning these days. So people should stop judging and understand. Because u never know what your partner is doing behind closed doors.

Nady, so true!

I’m sure she knows that men in general chase sex so it won’t be that much of a stretch to know that Haitian men or men in certain cultures cheat like this.

i know right if you are actually happy and actually in love cheating is just self-sabotage lol