THE NARCISSIST'S CONTEMPT 

I could feel his contempt before he laid it all out at the end. Walking ahead of me, not acknowledging me when with other people, I couldn't do anything right, acting like we weren't a couple, leaving the room when I was mid-sentence, not answering my questions. Still I was surprised at the personal attacks, obviously things he kept to himself for 35 years it appears. One weird one was, "you eat with your hands". Everything about me he hated; emotions, physical, intellectual and our relationship. Once you hear it, you can't unhear it. It's difficult not to take it personally. I'm still processing it four years after the divorce.

They make up a version of you that is completely not you

They constantly Shame and blame someone else! They cannot except that no one is perfect even themselves! They are disregulated. Always.

Leave immediately and go NO contact. This is the only way.

Can we talk about how unstable they are and how they hang up on you and say the most unhinged things then try to move on later without even saying sorry 😂after saying the craziest things

Girl, the fact that you figured this out…you’re a friggin genius! I struggled for decades trying to make sense out of my nex’s “logic”. His feelings seemed to twist in the wind.

Narcissists often use “sound bites” to justify their behavior.

The way of thinking of narcissists is completely out of logic. It may be because they lack empathy but it is really frustrating to give help to those who see it as an affront, to those who are in victim mode from the day they were born, to those who are in competition with you .. They always have this air of defeatists that the only choice is not to speak, not to give advice, not to seek explanations and abandon them to themselves. In any case, they will not appreciate anything about you and the things you will do for them

The contempt that my ex had for the kind of movies I liked or the music I liked was inescapable, or the books I read . At the time I never gave this any importance , but now when I look backwards , there was a pattern , didn’t really matter what it was , she always had to dismiss my opinions or preferences . I think it’s because they see you as their extension and if you are not having identical preferences etc , then that’s not part of their script and they want to insult you into their expectations and when that does not work , they wait for a time to either cause a reverse discard or discard you when you are already dealing with some crisis in your life

👏💯 It's certainly not a partner they need: they want the mom they never had. They were treated first as objects, they do not know what to do with the people who love them. They have not received love and therefore do not need it, they have learned to do without it but they know that you care and therefore they corrupt / buy you with false flattery. Abandon them before they do it and unfortunately you will become their obsession.

i dont know why you dont have a million followers, your are definetly one of the best on this subject of NPD keep going, you are amazing!!

9 years ago mine told "God sent me an angel (me)".... today he looks at me with 'hate', EVERYTHING I do irritates him, it's heartbreaking and mean, not to mention confusing, especially as I seriously never know what I do that annoys only him! Sometimes I honestly look around for hidden cameras thinking this must be some sort of a joke as if I'm living in my version of The Truman Show.. 🙄 Thanks for your videos, learning so much

Us? Fix their problems? Magical thinking on steroids.

Topic: have you ever witnessed a narc literally sucking your energy/life force out of you? They’re in need of FAR MORE than validation yet I’ve never heard anyone speak about this.

4 years on after leaving and mine is still full of contempt.

The narcissist views things they don’t like about you as character flaws. True that!

My narc would complain about everything I did. The way I ate, walked, slept, brushed my teeth, talked, hand gestures could all cause WWIII.

WOW, WOW, WOW, you perfectly described my wife! You can't fix broken. Contempt; Spot On! The feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless; scorn. The state of being despised or dishonored. Open disrespect or willful disobedience of the authority of a court of law or legislative body.

I was raised to believe that I had to have a career to be a human being with value and being a stay at home mom would have been the dumbest thing ever. No one ever talks about that.

She told me she resented and hated me this month. That's what she articulated. That I couldn't save her even tho all she did was cheat and lie. Smh

In our interactions, we can choose to move towards each other or away from each other. High-controllers struggle with small choices that take them farther away from others and contributes to the disconnection that they chronically experience. Mutuality, reciprocity and equality are challenging and keeps them stuck at the stage of pre-adolescence.

This is exactly what my sister and her husband are. I live with three narcissistic people in mom’s house 😮 I am moved away from the three of them. When the time is right, we are giving three of them to each one of the with us and restraining orders for all three. She addiction notices will be given as well.. I’ve had enough this is what they deserve

I would love to hear about their smear campaigns and how hard it is when they get people to team up against you.

This explains very well what happened in the marriage ive been in for 12 years. He really amped up that resentment as he was grooming the secretary from his work (i didn't know what was happening at the time) .He complained about me Shedding my long hair in his car, come to find out.. his bimbo has very short hair. They are such monsters 😈

So.spot.On. Last week i asked my husband if i could have a hand lifting a heavy pot in the kitchen. (Id just woken up, hadnt had my coffee yet, and was quickly trying to assemble a crock pot meal for later when our grandkids would be here). I was groggy and didnt realize i didnt speak loudly enough. Next thing i know, im getting chewed out for “whispering”! I mean he was SO angry as he accused me of DELIBERATELY speaking quietly so that he wouldnt be able to hear me! How deranged….what possible motive would i have for intentionally doing that?

Your channel is one of the best. Your explanations and understanding are fantastic. Thank you.

right. There is no reasoning or counseling these types. Good video.

I believe my narc is the sociopath variety. When I questioned the love bombing, future faking, lying about the whole thing, he did not deny it. He never intended to get a job or contribute financially, he just wanted the money he could get out of me. My therapist said he sounded like a sociopath.

My ex went from you're the best to I'm dissapointed with you all the time, there's nothing good in you and why do you try so hard to make me hate you. Oh and back to you're the best. Thank yo for this video and others which have been so spot on in describing my relationship with a narcissistic man. I'm well on the path to building a healthy life for myself and open at last to the possibility of having a non toxic relationship in the near future. I now see the whole narc dynamic as a life lesson

One day near the ending of the "relationship", when I was secretly planning my escape, he was ranting and raving as usual. I was practicing grey rock, at that time, trying to avoid reacting to his constant barrage of insults. Well, he actually blurted out that it was my fault that his past marriage failed. That it was my fault for every problem he's ever had in his life. I looked at him and said, "Did you say it's my fault that your past marriage failed?" He said "Yes." Then, I knew he was even crazier than I had previously thought. I heard him say nutty things but, this was the craziest. By that point he was so desperate to get a reaction he had to say something really nuts, right?! And, my grey rock was making him even more nuts than he already acted previously. You have helped clarify this. It's been a long time since this happened. I knew he was nuts but, you helped clarify it more. Thank You!

Sometimes, the victim begins to build Contempt for their abuser. It's more of a reaction to the abuse after so many years of pain. One becomes angry. Either way, it's toxic. Get out if can. Get your shining light back 😊.

Such nonsense being in a relationship with them of any kind! Particularly romantic if you don’t share children!

Hands down, one of the best videos ive seen on narcissism. Thank you! ❤

"when the spoon clinks"- love that thought

Very insightful ❤ So sad that I learned, but it has been like this for so many years without knowing how to define all of his crazy behavior. I just knew it was breaking my heart. I was invisible, and that he hated everything I did, and even if I would change, he would still hate the new way I was doing something and he never cared about anything I said or felt. I’m so glad I’m out of that relationship now and now that I’ve learned about narcissism, I see that he is a true narcissist and the truest sense of the word.

The contempt projection example is good. Helped me understand better. You have a strong grasp of psychology. Do you have a formal education in psychology? You would make an amazing psychology professor or psychologist. If you aren't already. 💚💚💚 I could definitely see you as a college professor. 😊🎉 Thanks for the video. Keep up the good work.

They are so miserable and try to keep you in their misery.

I just found your channel. I have been living this for years, and I am just now understanding it all. Your channel is immensely helpful to me. Understanding so I can quit hating myself because of all the blame that is put on me-the crazy making, rage outbursts, intimidation, etc... This is helping me see so I can move on and change things for my children and I. This is helping me grow. Next step is focusing on myself so I can grow, gain strength, and be a better parent when I'm finally out of survival mode. Sorry for the rambling, but the gist is- THANK YOU. You put these things into words that make so much sense. Thank you for caring for others. You have a beautiful heart.

a very healing video for anyone who has been involved with a narcissist, be it spouse, child or friend....once their need for the rescuer, mother, father, saint ends....the contempt starts to validate their victimhood and entitlement to end their connection to you. it is so painful and yet, once you understand it,...predictable.

I am not sure of how many have been through this but my vulnerable narc did not love bomb me. It was more of a victim bombing where I felt pity, not love. This was incredibly confusing for me and something I am struggling to overcome as I feel like I have abandoned someone that I could have helped. Looking back I meant nothing to this woman, she did not want my help nor want to improve. I was both someone she admired and wanted to destroy. No doubt I am now that ''abusive ex" (one of many), but out of the rotation and working on myself, knowing my self worth.

My 2 NPD sisters have been in their relationships for a long time, one is nearly 20 years I think and the other is 15 years, so they do keep them going, they somehow found people who put up with them!

The exes rental house was sold, so he was forced to move. After many applications, and denials, as his credit was so awful.....the only place he could get was one that was 1 1/2 hrs away from the city, up in the hills / forest. Of course I was shamed for #1 - not hastily moving in with him so that he could use my credit to get a place. #2 - that I never went clear up there to see him. I was told that he ALWAYS came to town to see me! 😂 He HAD to because he needed groceries, see friends, etc. And on top of that, he said he had sacrificed SO MUCH just to stay in the state, to be with me, instead of going back to his home state. I was made to feel guilty for his selfless actions, and I should step up and drive my older vehicle up windy mountain snow covered roads to see him more often. 🤦‍♀️ After he lived there for only 5 months, didn't properly take care of this beautiful cabin, was running out of money because it was waaaay too expensive to live up there, he decided to take a job in his home state. He left, shaming me for not wanting to get a place together, and that this was all my fault that he had to leave. 🤦‍♀️ Side note.....I had seen a lot of pretty significant red flags already, and didn't feel right about rushing into a living situation. But I was blamed anyway, and told that I wasn't "all in" like he was. He drove 10 hrs to see me, always on short notice, multiple times, and if I wasn't available on ANY of the days he was in town, I was ungrateful, didn't love him, and again wasn't "all in". Fast forward 8 months.... as that's how long he lasted at that job, he decided to move back. Somehow, someone gave him and his crappy credit a chance, but the place was too expensive again. And if I was busy working, he'd shame me for not coming over, saying that he moved back JUST for me, and this was the thanks he got. He had always told me he LOVED this city and the fact that his daughter lived here, and that I wasn't a factor. That was a lie. Obviously. At the end (which should have come much sooner than it did), he shamed me saying "I moved to multiple states and multiple places just to be with you! And you never loved me, and you were never all in! You just used me!" This guy was hands down THE MOST toxic person I've ever encountered, was an alcoholic, abused Adderall but couldn't understand why he had health problems 🤦‍♀️, a perpetual victim, manipulative, "Rico Suave" with other women he called "friends", overspent money, didn't properly care for his dog, highly paranoid thinking people were watching his house because he had an invention idea that he was just sure they were after 😅 and was really skilled at projecting all of his flaws onto me. I could go on and on and on, all from the Narc Handbook! Your video spoke volumes of truth, and I've experienced literally everything you ever speak of in all your videos. It's mind blowing that I put up with this garbage for 3 yrs. Never again!!! 😂

They also say later "we have nothing in common" yes, because you lied about who you were. He, at the end, mocked everything about me.

Where's the triple like thumbs up button?!? This was a masterpiece on projection thank you!! That wall color makes your eyes pop ❤❤

I just wanted to tell you that I’m unfortunately an offspring of an overt narc (father) and religious covert narc (mother), so I have experienced almost everything imaginable as far as narc abuse. I also want to tell you how great your videos are and how great your content is. You are speaking truth. May God bless you, and please keep doing what you are doing.

Yes! You described my narc long-term ex. Their *contempt* and *transaction-based* thinking seems to go hand-in-hand. Because of their contempt, they want something in return. Or because they want something in return, they feel contempt. It can go either way. Also, the transactions they come up with are never anything you agreed to or even wanted. All of the above is a form of gaslighting (until we are able to see what it is and stop taking the bait). It's very hard on a person who sincerely cares to be their best and to work things out. These are the reasons why he is my ex, I couldn't take it anymore. I think people who are like this with their significant other (SO), subconsciously see the SO as the parent who did them wrong. And they project the pain and punishment onto the SO. The narcs' version of having their problems solved is for everyone to play the roles the narcs invent in their own heads. The roles seemed to be based on the narcs' pleasure (or at least pain avoidance) and/or reducing anxiety via the narcs knowing what to expect (familiarity reduces anxiety and so does knowing that pain will be reduced). I think that sometimes causing us emotional pain helps the narcs' pain to be reduced (via projecting, letting us carry their burden for them; they are able to see the pain is on us and therefore not inside of them). Personally, I find the overtly-jerky narc (as described above) much easier to emotionally deal with than the confusing covert narc; it was easier because my just knowing from the start that this overtly-jerky narc was someone I wasn't going to be close to or to need emotional connection with. Whereas the covert is so kind, helpful and seemingly-sensitive (and in the case of my ex covert narc, very appealing as far as sensuality and chemistry) which was wonderful. But that totally created cognitive dissonance because of the stealthy covert's secrecy, lies, and various versions of cheating. The covert eventually had contempt (i.e. seriously scary rage) because I couldn't just enjoy the really good things and pretend (as coverts do) that the stuff happening outside of the "relationship" script container had nothing to do with me--you did a great video about this! P.S. Tip: give the loud coffee stir-er a small wood spoon or chop stick. Haha.

I love how you articulate your insights.....I definitely understand why you have to disclose not being a professional in the beginning because its easy to think you are some sort of doctor. You helped me alot with your explanations.....thank you so much!

Totally agree, thanks a lot for your video. Narcissists have this feature of "auto delete" in their head whenever they know that it's all their fault. That's how fast they filter memories, selecting and segregating out the bad, the ones that make them look bad. But honestly as a total empath you can definitely read their minds like a magazine (by Taylor Swift 😅❤).

I love your knowledge and passion....all heroes don't wear capes❤

this is also gaslighting to the person on the receiving end. you begin to think you're crazy for the way nothing you do is right and it's all your fault - just leave swiftly and never look back - none of it is your fault

Great video 💗 ! Off topic but got to share,.. After four months of being narcissistically abused etc by three narcissists bosses and three or more narcissistic coworkers who were All working together, I'm finally feeling better. But still not exactly sure how this is going to play out. I was bullied by my two main bosses in the office, they went beyond their typical range of abuse and gaslighting. Even their body language and facial expressions was extreme. We have great cameras with audio, so I called h r and asked them to pull the footage - and they did. Nobody's messing with me now, H R said they were going to do an investigation, And are supposed to get back w/ me at some point on their findings. I work for Goodwill.

Thankyou, you answered my question perfect Y !!

You are a NARC DOCTOR, great insightful Deep explanations

After years sister and partner were still lovey dovey, 💗 yet she always found me not good enough!

I had to laugh about the "timebomb", that's really a good description for every relationship with them is doomed to fail. I could recognize the "general contempt" of the Sociopath very early on in the way he talked about others. And by recognizing his passive-agressive tone of voice. You really deserve much more subscribers for you have a natural gift of explaining in nuances from the depth, which I like a lot and helps me for a better understanding. Suggestion for another video: When I met the Sociopath my mind became like paralyzed as if I was experiencing everything in slow motion, like in trance. That was so confusing and disturbing. What exactly happened? Thank you so much for your understanding ❤

Awesome explanation. Thank you for making your viewers aware of this much needed information. It never has anything to do with us while in a narc relationship. It’s a time bomb that must go off. It always does. Run while you can! Liked and subscribed. 👍🏽

Do you remember in the third grade and a friend asked to play at your house and then everything you suggest to do they roll their eyes? Well it was my job to entertain as I was his only friend and after they get bored they start things, just for drama.

I rang my npd sister, a rare occurrence these days, although nothing amiss was said, i think 🤔 it was all amiss i had this dreadful feeling of utter malevolence which had come from her, since i won"t visit her anymore, i forgot to send birthday card who knows, she obviously hates my guts😂! I've just become aware of how this vibe, the way she says things without any emotion, just dead, i won't ring her again, i've had it; i went no contact with the other one andthis has made things worse, they just despise me for being me! I wont buy into their fake club!yes you answered my quick was annoying her, even when someone knocked on my door seemed to annoying her! Question not quick!

🌹💯‼️ so wonderfully expressed.

this is it ...

So ideas for future : your observations of them on phone , how they come across to you when they are talking to someone else on phone , and what do they say to you soon after they hang up . Second , how they treat you over the phone , like what do they do if they get a third call while being on phone with you etc . Finally , it would be nice to know your name , maybe you can start your video by saying your name ?

Very good explaining, I believe you are right.

I was raised by a narcissist mother and found myself in a narcissist relationship for two years and I'm wondering if I can be holding onto that contempt. IDK i've been dealing with tension and tightness in my forehead and researched that contempt can be stored in this part of the body and went down a rabbit hole and found a connection between my past and this emotion. Wondering in your opinion if this emotion of contempt (which I've researched to be both anger and disgust) is now being held in my body? Am I feeling their contempt or am I feeling contempt toward them? Do you know how to feel and move through this emotion?

Oh my gosh i was watching this video and you said something that caught my attention, you said that when the relationship is over it is over for them but not for you that you will spend the rest of your life with them trying to figure out why they suddenly hate you for no reason well SON OF A GUN this is what i am dealing with now, my ex divorced me after he was arrested for child abuse and domestic violence, its been 13 years now, well he still blames me for not standing up for him for not protecting him from getting arrested???? well for the last 12 maybe even the 13 years i have been trying to be nice to him and even in the first year trying to get him to come home. but all i do is try to be nice to him, i have no family of my own just our kids who are just like him. so being sick, i have multiple sclerosis, had cancer and covid brought me down and now i have liver problems. so being sick i find myself fearing i will be alone for the rest of my life, that he is the only family i have, i dont know why i feel like this but i cant stop myself. I have a boyfriend and i see him for a few hours on saturdays if he feels good he has kidney issues, he never stays the night with me we have been together for 13 years now ya. all we have is a few minutes a day on the phone maybe 5., i just dont know what to do and how to get past this. I cant go out much like i said because of the illnesses. I feel trapped can you help me? my ex also takes his ex girlfriend and her family on " family vacations" and says that his our kids need to just deal with it now that they are his new family, that they never hurt him??? well he beat the crap out of us all and just walks away from what he caused and walks into a perfect family, that is not fair that they get the nice guy and we still get the crap!! and he has been doing this vacation thing for 14 years now since we got divorced she is one of the reasons he divorced me, and yes there was a different girl every year of our marriage, i am catholic and i believe in marriage and i kept thinking one day he will stop, one day i will have the family i want, well as you know that one day never came,

Very good video. Spot on.

This is so helpful. Thank you!

Excellent 👍 video 🎉 thank you 🙏 love from Socorro NM.

In col 3 in the bible it says ...love means NEVER HAVING TO say you are sorry.... Since you up with each others unique idiosyncrasies because you eternally love each other no matter what. I saw a narcissist who initially admired her husbands automatic talent at everything he turned his hands to. Initially she attempted to mirror some of his hobbies to create the impression that...now I've done something you like you must PERMANENTLY swap it for EVERYTHING i like. Then came the fact THAT EVERYONE was sick to death of the way that ALL conversations were switched so she could talk about herself and drown people out with the phrase.... that reminds me of when i...and people would ALWAYS inject the phrase.. let's bring in your silent listening husband. He knew how to make all the guests feel free to tell him their stories without saying anything about himself. Every time the comments were the same. He made US feel interesting and we love him and enjoy the way he listens to us talking TO him. The narcs contempt was motivated by the fact that her husband was not only praised for his hands on skill in all areas of life but by the quiet way HE ALWAYS STOLE THE SPOTLIGHT from the narcissist. The contempt is a result of the narc having to walk in the shadow of geuine and empathic people. They wish they could receive that level of CONTINUOUS love without doing a thing to deserve it. Their onesidedness in ALL aspects of life have always been their relationship and social undoing as the bible says in gal 6.7 they reap what they sow. He gave her marching orders and changed the locks and blocked her on all media so she can't contact him

Absolutely 💯

Very good video, that explains a lot! 😮 Thank you for your great insights.. would it be possible to do couple videos in the future if you wouldn't mind? One about Covert Narcissists and maybe another the comparison Covert vs Overt? Thank you! 😊

if the way they brush their teeth bothers you now....b/c they criticized everyone else for years for the way they brushed their teeth....

Great stuff. Thanks for such informative videos. What I’m still a bit mixed up about was how I was getting so much contempt and apparently could do nothing right yet also when I tried to move on she would repeatedly push against that and demand 2nd and 3rd chances (neither of which went well). How do contempt and clinginess go together in a narcissist?

As a joke I was thinking of putting on my bumble profile: "I exclusively date unselfaware undiagnosed narcissists so if you're a good hearted, loving, loyal person who loves to give as much or more than receive, you respect and uphold boundaries, you like to deconstruct patriarchy and treat your partner as an equal, if you have healed your childhood trauma or never had any to begin with, if you are not shallow with a superiority complex, if you're not materialistic and insincere, then I'm sorry but you're just not my type. Happy Bumbling! 🐝 "

When a narc says he knows you hate him is he projecting is he really saying he hates you how’s that for contempt.

Lol somethin like that...

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Just sayin you have beautiful eyes…

Thank you❤ This is exactly what i experienced with the narcissist