The Only Cure for Resentment 

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

Sorry to hear that. Grief feels bad, but it is actually good in the long run.

Ok. Grow a spine and understand your self worth. Don't listen to that first comment, because, wow! The second comment is basically saying the same as me. Grow up and get a backbone. Please don't even think about dating or relationships until you love yourself.

​@@Kimberly-pi8my You're awful. Someone is emotionally hurt and the best you can do is to kick them while they're down? You're pathetic.

@@Kimberly-pi8my everyone loves him self, if you don’t you’ll not care,

Top comment

Malachy McCourt

It's a quote by Buddha

Love that quote

Best quote

I thought the actual quote was; “I let no man drag me down so low as to make me hate him.” - Booker T. Washington

Thank you for your courage and your honesty. You are right to set firm boundaries between you and abusive people. What they did to you was wrong. But you forgiving them and moving on is right. I believe others can learn from your example of how to be a survivor, not a victim, of abuse. Some who were abused cling to their resentment, I thank God that you have found freedom from yours. with Jesus as your friend, you will never have to deal with suffering alone again.

I needed to read this. Thank you.

This is horrible & traumatizing😮! Thank God for healing you & saving you through all that.

We all have a lot to process. You may wanna bring up one word when dealing with her and that is “narcissist” as well as “gaslighting”, if you haven’t yet. Okay that’s two words, but by telling her, you may make her think. And that way make her reflect. Because even though, for you, the status quo may be bearable (but far from ideal), she may suffer from knowing, that she’s projecting on you her anger that she may have on someone else and justified so… just her projecting is the problem (perhaps). She may have hated your father or even herself or someone else and as i said, projject it on you. At least hat’s my experience. I did the projecting and found the source. It’s Satan himself. And that’s scary. And a spiritual battle. All the best to you. May your wounds heal.

Love your testimony!!!

Yes! This is what I am trying to get people to understand.

Yes....& hate is a cancer that will eat you up from the inside out...

I can't stop hating him for what he did to me. How can I truly forgive an SOB?

Ridiculous, as long as you’ve got it under control. Hate can be as useful as love. divided you have it under control and it doesn’t possess you.

@@TheArchanan5458 you don't, if you're a women you should discuss a false sexual harassment lawsuit with your lawyer, you'll shame his name and drag his public reputation through the mud, take everything, his home and dignity, sadist is the only forgiveness

~Yes!!!~This is far better than 'forced forgiveness'!!!~

This!!!!

Yes, finding the difference between nice and kind. Nice comes from a place of insecurity, has no boundaries and self abandons and pleases to be accepted or liked and very often gets taken advantage of. Kind comes from a place of honest self worth so can set healthy boundaries and loves self, does not abandon self in the process of helping others. Does things for others from a place of security instead of insecurity. But has no problem and no shame saying no if a task is more than presently able to give. The manner in which we say no is all the difference, as I've recovered from people pleasing I have to learn where the happy medium is. I keep aware that because this boundary stuff is so foreign to me, that it is probable that I will swing too far to the other side of the spectrum into belligerence and contention. As I become more aware of my own needs and fulfill them, I am not resentful, and I know that because there's no desire for retaliation. I can give out of the healthy place in my heart that Jesus is wanting us to give from. We need to stretch ourselves at times, but whether that stretching brings us closer to Him or not is what makes it worthwhile.

This is a great comment. So once you learned boundaries, did you ever need to forgive any of those people?

@@andyf932 My framework around forgiveness is it's not necessary for healing. Forcing myself to forgive caused me so much pain & problems. I can heal without it but *for a relationship to move forward after it's been fractured I need an apology and amends,* which I never received from the various people in my life. I was expected to 'eat it, be quiet & move on'. I realize repair is a major part of healthy, happy relationships. So I set boundaries, gave people the opportunity & space to make amends and since it didn't happen, I moved on. I forgave myself for giving so many chances & being naive but I will never have another close relationship where I'm expected to move on as if nothing happened. I can't make anyone apologize, care or feel bad and they can't make me stay when conflict never gets resolved. Hope that helps.💜

Yes, Vanderkolk’s book on PTSD is wonderful. He has spent his life dedicated to relieving trauma survivors of their suffering. It takes hard work, but you can find freedom from your resentment. It sounds like you have found your way out of yours.

Power back in prayer. Tell-A-Vision. The keys. When the Bible was being edited by the Pharisee and Sanhedrin, (who later took the titles Pope and the council of Cardinals) They deliberately broke the Lord's prayer when they instituted the translation in the Latin. They did, infact, turn our Father Creator into a fetch-/-vending machine. Thereby, leaving every part of it up to him. Hallow your own name, do your own will, restore your kingdom yourself. (Think about it.) What of this includes you? None of it includes you. Other than you being a sit on the couch recipient of his deeds, of course. Originally, Jesus had said it in the Greek. And here it is. Our Father who art in heaven. Thy name must be being Hallowed. (That means, you Hallow it.) They Will must be being done on earth as it is in heaven. (Guess who's on earth? You are. It's up to you to do his Will here.) Thy kingdom must be being restored. (Yeah, that's you again. And for the individual, it doesn't mean unto the whole world, it is generational. Lovingly, slowly, repetitively, patiently tell your children. Ten years, that's how long it takes to put it in their hearts. Remember, do not turn it into a weapon. Your neck, the mill stone and the sea.) Give us today, our tomorrow's bread. (The wisdom of Jesus, as though we stood beside him in the present tense.) Forgive us our failings as we forgive those who have hurt us. (Now, what I am writing here will make a lot more sense once you have read, keys to the Kingdom. If you have truly reconciled them unto your heart and forgiven them to the full measure, is this not the first time that this has come out of your mouth in all it's intended honesty? I'm betting it is.) Lead us away from evil, delivering us from its temptation as these are not that which you intended. (This may differ as I could not find the translation for accuracy.) Bottom line here is that you are a required part of the power pack. He goes before us and prepares the way. Is Simply this. You want or need a better position and pay. So, you pray unto the Father and he, because the Father is a mind, he is mentality, (the kybalion will explain this perfectly.) He reaches forth in thought, whispering to the hearts and minds of those who will assist you, to give you that which you have asked for. (In belief. Ask, believe and receive.)This requires you to do your part, go to work. Recognize that the Father wants a personal relationship with you, and he desires that you want one with him. That means, you have your part in this. Do your part. Now, remembering that our Father is a mind, he, when communicating with the prophets did this in visions. So, when you pray to the Father remember, the words are for you to build a vision with. In essence, Tell-A-Vision to the Father. Let him see it in your mind. Be clear, get precise, aim for accuracy. Now, in order for prayer to work, the the Father said, if you have anything against your brother go make peace, really. And you know as well as anyone, in this day and anger age, it's often unwise to do so, in person, that is. Follow the instructions below. The Keys to the Kingdom When one understands reconciliation to its fullest meaning, one understands forgiveness. Without reconciliation, forgiveness cannot stand. Reconciliation kills, on impact, all negative emotion. All of it, from your first breath, unto your last. The only emotion that reconciliation cannot defend itself against, is that of love. Love is energy, your soul is energy. So, if the adage, you are what you eat, is true, then the only thing feeding your soul is love and your soul will mature properly and become love in of itself, as we have been commanded, to become like our Father. Who, in of himself, is love. Vengeance is mine, said the Lord, because when you give him vengeance, he turns it into correction and saves his other child, if they will let him. Imagine how you are going to feel towards your enemy in heaven. If you can really imagine the truest form of that feeling, congratulations, those feelings have just transcended time and space. In essence, you asked, asked to see, that's prayer, you believed what you saw, you received it, you felt it. Again, congratulations, you just asked, believed and received. The Father creator loved us, reconciled us unto himself and forgave us. The steps matter. Unless reconciliation is first, forgiveness falls flat on it's face and dies. Forsake the parade. Go unto the Father yourself and take the walk of life with your hand in his. And consider this, with our Father, I truly believe it's, come as you are and I will change you as I need you. Start your commitment to him with these words if they suit you. Finish the statements. Here I am. I am willing. What is the truth? And you had better be sincere or it's going to fail. (Anger. Let us deal with this for a moment. If you are angry about something that happened three weeks ago, it's because, you have a muscle in your stomach, you know the one, that is a chemical junkie. This muscle was present when that particular memory was created and stored. And it calls out that chemical signature, and forces you to re-live that moment, so it can feed, you have not been angry in a long time, you been duped. And now that you know, what are you going to do, fake angry? As soon as you begin to feel angry about anything from the past, stop it. Just take a look around you, and know nothing happened to you today, unless it actually did. And if it did, that's the only thing you can be truly angry about.) (Do not invite the back stabber to your table, here. What they did matters, they, given the opportunity, will do it again. You have a date in heaven, see them there. Old people bring old habits.) (Live in reconciliation. Do not leave that state of being.) (Live in believe, of ask, believe and receive. This would have been better stated as, ask believe and be given. Recieving means to be given, therefore, it's not up to you to move beyond, believe. That's the Father's right and it also allows for recognition of his works and compassion. Also, Throw away the timer.) (Regarding Faith. Faith is simply loyalty. Loyalty to the fact that you asked, loyalty to the fact that you believed. Stay loyal, stay faithful. Or one might choose to see Faith from the vantage point of, staying true.) (As for the judgement room that we have all heard of, well, it may surprise you to learn that that room is in your head, and it's running constantly. We all have a piece of the Christ Consciousness in our minds. All of us. This is how silent prayer is heard. And anytime you do anything good or bad, your heart has an intention and emotional reaction. That intention and emotional reaction is what's being judged. And your judgement is handed down second to last breath. Because up until then you can change your mind about your intention to our Father. You can come to understand this better if you read the letters on the internet from nurses who have been presant for the death of those patients they have been charged to take care of. Worst death bed passings, you'll find them. And you will find good one's as well. This is why your sincerity in your commitment to the Father and to honesty with him are so very important.) (Do not end your prayers with, Amen. To you, this has always meant the prayer has ended. And in that, your right. It's over. End your prayers with, So Be It. This way the energy moves into the future. And it's the translation of, Amen, but in words that, as you understand, have a whole different meaning.) (Do not judge lest you be judged with the same measure. Meaning, when we judge we will be put in the same situation, doing the same thing that we were judging others for. Break all judgements through sincere intention. After all, people and situations change. So, let it be to you as this, "They are still alive." No further, for the Father has got this.) (Anxiety/Stagnation is common place with our Father. He gives us time for what he is teaching us to take it's place in our lives and become a living part of who we are before adding more of his wisdom to our mindset. If it were not so with man, what we learned would become buried under the new knowledge and become worthless.)

This is an excellent book

Absolutely. Forgiveness is for wrongdoing. There is no forgiveness unless you acknowledge the wrongdoing first. Without that it is just denial and excusing bad behavior.

The Bible tells us to honor our parents.This Commandment is too often misused. Honoring a parent does not require tolerance of abusive actions by a mother or a father. The Commandment does not mean an adult offspring is to obey their parents like they are required to do as a dependent child in its formative years. When one becomes an adult, one puts away childish behavior and becomes independent. As an adult we are to recognize abusive traits in parents and find loving ways to set boundaries. Sometimes that involves limited contact.

@@DrMarkBaker Exactly 💯

Oh my gosh!! Yes!!!

​@@sharondoan1447 You are so right! I was terribly abused by my narcissistic dad at a very early age. My narcissistic mom literally saw this and walked away, abandoning me to this abuse. When I was older she stayed away from home as much as she could. To "be fair", there is a long history of incest in both sides of my family, and unfortunately sins are passed down to the third or fourth generation. I understand, obviously, how such abuse and abandonment can crush a soul. I never married or had children. My brother and two cousins had no children either. My other three cousins have children. I'm not sure how the adult children are doing. Anyway, "Honor your father and mother" is a sore point for me. I've had lots of therapy and healing. The anger, guilt and shame are still with me, though lessened. My Christian therapist told me about a friend's healing. She was told to take responsibility for her "part". The woman flipped off her therapist. The following week she returned. The therapist basically wanted her to think and fight for herself - by taking responsibility for her ADULT self let go of the victim mentality, which nobody can do for her. That's where I'm at now. I've carried resentment most of my 60 years of life. Not just for family, but all the bullies as well. It's time to let go of the evil past. I want to take responsibility, trust the Lord with all my heart, and find true healing in Jesus Christ. I WILL be set free in Jesus' name!!!!! 🙏🏽😊❤️ Blessings!!!

You are right to rid yourself of people who don't respect you. Excusing bad behavior is not forgiveness, it is a form of denial that keeps you stuck. You deserve to be valued for the good person you are. Surround yourself with people who value you.

This sounds very much like she has dementia, which is characterised by very strong selfishness and overall degraded empathy. Not your fault at all.

Good advice.

No, this is not turning the other cheek

@@grietapike Are you suggesting that one is required to accept ongoing abuse? Reread and study the part of the Bible where Jesus was discussing the brutality of the Roman soldiers towards Jews. Remember that Rome ruled Israel. They allowed the Jews freedom to practice their way of life and worship within certain limits. Romans did not love Jews, saw them as weird and barely tolerable, but as long as they kept mainly to themselves ignored them. The Jews were mistreated by being commandeered to carry a soldiers heavy pack or provide food and water on demand. Hesitation to comply resulted in a slap across the face, or a full on beating. The crowd on that morning complained about the Romans. You can read Jesus’ reply. “Go another mile, turn the other cheek.” In other words do not resist thereby bringing worse treatment on yourselves. Study Matthew 5 carefully and understand the times in which the people were living coupled with the Holy promises that are given. Misapplying the scripture can bring suffering to others. Jesus did Not say, “ tolerate abuse from another individual all your life and never protect yourself.”

Look after Yourself. It's tough at first but it does get better.

It takes half the amount of time that your relationship was to get over it after it has ended. Wishing you peace.

At the end of the day you’ve got to view this act as an act of contempt, and people who show you contempt aren’t worthy of your time. You’ll find someone else. End of story

Dude, it's been only one month. You sound like you've been mourning her for years.

Every day gets easier, that woman was there to teach you lessons so that you can be a good husband in the future. Find your wife man

Yes, some people are not good for you and do not deserve to be in your life. We all hang onto resentment as a way of protecting ourselves from our abuser. But as you so accurately stated it will eat you up from the inside. Get away from abusive people, then free yourself from the ongoing prison of resentment by forgiving them and moving on. You are a good example of how this can be done.

I agree but what is the solution​@@solarydays

​@@solarydays Forgiveness isn't about making yourself a doormat

Sounds like very good advice! I’ll take it 🙏

One day at a time. Thanks for your comments.

Wow, way to go! 🎉

Nice one! Congrats!

I stopped drinking once, worst day of my life! But congrats, happy for you!

Congratulations 🎈🍾🎉

You have good self control, well done.

@@sparked3113 good way to look at it. I appreciate it.Thanks.

@sparked3113 It's not self control, it's timidity. It's being a people​ pleaser. You're supposed to call people out when they've hurt you.

@@normang3668 not everyone (very few in fact) is built to instantly respond to an injustice and call out-the bully or wrong doer. There are alternatives......pick a better time and place......learn to let some things go......develop your awareness/intuition to avoid 'situations'......stop caring......upskill with knowledge on how to handle certain people. Just don't hold onto it, you already know this. Having said all that, I strongly believe that punishment is a critical part of justice. Good luck, watching these videos is a good step.

@@normang3668 In my case no. It's more complete and utter surprise and not having the words to respond.

One day you find that ALL is you and you are the player and the audience. Enjoy the show

"the problem is yourself" is in reference to addressing the shame or the doubts in one's own mind about their self worth which caused resentment to show up in the first place. A person's self worth has been lessened so, if we could look inside ourselves and acknowledge the ding in our self worth, then we could better understand why resentment took hold of us.

I agree.. The external factor influence how you respond. It just is. It really takes great wisdom to show how you want to respond in a positive manner, it's like bending your character and ego over and over... In the end, you decide whether the problem is worth your while or not, because you know... you either wake up tomorrow or don't, situation may or may not change... but what permanently changed is only you.

@@estherann7407 that is hard to process like that when you’re abused as child. my narcissist father would tell us that we’re not smart we just studied and a true smart person doesn’t need to study and I believed that for a long time so I didn’t put much effort in my studies because what’s the point

@@hansludwig4732 so true. Like when you see old people being mugged or assaulted in the news... its THEIR fault. They should just accept it!

Oh that is excellent The Duck Has Arrived. I’m going to screenshot this and work hard on this for me.

God bless you I know what you are talking about.

My heart aches for you, even though we've never met. No child should have to endure such pain. The fact that you were there for your mother during her final months tells me that she was wrong. If your father was, in fact, "no good," then you are nothing like him. I send you a sincere, virtual hug. 🤗

im at the mosquito itch part :(

Hang in there you can do this

You’re absolutely right.

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your painful story. I hope others learn from it how destructive affairs are and how necessary forgiveness is.

Why didn’t you divorce her early? May God forgive you.

Tried...offered to go through a dispensation. She wouldn't have it.

@@user-xu8ki2kn5x i see, relationship issues are never easy.

Affairs are destructive. Correct. It's good to hear the person that caused great pain to innocent people recognize that their actions were the source of that pain. The role of these people is helping the ones you hurt. That's the very least. If you want the person you severilly harmed to let the resentment go, HELP THEM, HELP THEM, HELP THEM any way you can. Show affection, show that you can be trustworth. Don't EVER ask for forgiveness: SHOW that you diserve forgiveness. That DOES NOT mean "humiliate yourself". No! But show that you're reliable, that you're willing to hear. That's the very least you can do and that is a positive way to help. Remember: this is no longer about you. It's about you working you butt off to fix the person YOU torn apart.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for paying such close attention. You will be a better person for it.

There’s a difference between never accepting or excusing something, and never forgiving someone. The issue is whether or not you still hold resentment. Forgiveness is to release you from resentment not to excuse bad behavior.

Forgiveness isnt for them, its for you.

@@panzer00 so? Some things never should be forgiven. And in fact may make you weaker if you do.

@@kylekillgannon thats just pride standing in your way. Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame. - Iroh

@@panzer00 this is all just wishful thinking. You either have no children or are way too lax on the atrocities one might commit to them.

Yes, there is a huge difference between wanting justice and accountability vs having a desire for revenge.

wow dude, I don't see enough RU-vid therapists saying look at your self.

repressed anger is deathly poison. I've repressed so much anger inside I could barely function - you gotta really let it out sometimes

@@TheAleksandros instead of letting it out when it’s gotten to boiling point it’s better not to feel it in the first place. Sustained anger is an irrational thing, actually. It means you insist that things should be, or should have been, different. But they weren’t. That’s reality. And people are the way they are, and us feeling they should be different is contra reality. It’s like getting angry with the mountain that it’s steep, with the rain for coming down, or with the tsunami for rolling in. It’s trying to change, in your mind, something that’s already happened, or a person that can’t even change themselves if they wanted to. Anger in the moment is ok, it impels you to do something to change your situation. Sustained anger is a toxin, it feeds itself and will poison your interactions with everyone including yourself. It is wholly unhealthy. Reality is what it is, us feeling it shouldn’t be the way it is, leads us on the road to madness.

@@i.ehrenfest349 Yes, you are right with what you;ve written - especially with the part of wanting the reality to be different than it is. Now that I think about it - this was most of the time the reason I got angry, maybe even furious. The thing is - I don't believe you can ever really achieve such a state of not ever wanting things to "go your way" and be immune to anger at all - unless you're a weirdo yogi who closed himself off from the world and dedicated his life to it, or maybe beaten down by life so much that nothing is relevant to you anyways. You're proposing here a "stoic" approach to life aka no matter what , while the reality is there's gonna be situation when you will be forced to feel anger - really, how are you going to permamently avoid it?

@@TheAleksandros I don’t feel much of a stoic, really. I have a temper. But just lashing out with anger to someone else hasn’t served me well, and I wonder why I ever thought it would. If someone gets angry with me I don’t take too well to that. So why did I think another person would react positively to my anger and my accusations and my criticisms? I lived with bitter people in my childhood. I don’t want to be like them.

You have what we call the transfer of guilt (actually shame). The abuser feels no guilt so the abused takes it on. Now you are suffering the the pain that he deserves. Do not excuse or rationalize abuse. Denial will not help. A therapist might be able to help you grieve the losses you have been forced to bear and accept your life as it is now. Forgiveness is for you, not for him. You deserve freedom from the guilt and shame that he should be feeling, not you.

@@DrMarkBaker thank you.

You are absolutely right.

Thank you for your honesty. There is no path forward in life without it. But make no mistake about it resentment will kill you from the inside out. Yes, it fuels revenge, but you will not find peace afterwards that lasts very long at all. No one can ask you to forgive and no one can make you do it. Forgiveness is for you not the other person. They don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve a life without resentment. Just because you have been demeaned does not mean you’re worth has been lessened. Do not believe that lie. Stay on the path, but don’t try to go it alone.

Yes, the solution is either success or revenge.... chooce revenge through success is the answer. It takes time, a lot of time to forget, not to forgive. You take time and move on, slowly, one step at the time. I am on this way right now. I was demeaned, I lost almost everything.... I start over from scratch. With nothing but a scratch, myself. Take your time, try not to hurt eneone through the process of healing. Because at the begining you are burning inside out , if you do so,(cause through healing at the beggining you are full of nals and teeths) ask for forgiveness, dont put nails in your way,...move...Go your way ,forget but NOT forgive , put boundaries, refocus on something else, focus on yourself, built yourself, revenge is a ice plate my friend. The circle will still came around even 10 or 15 years later believe me ,when you start get out of it you will just see....karma exists or if you prefer justice. I m in the healing process, hope was everything I had. Life is a battlefield, choose your friends and enemies carefully.... The most importand your standards and value must never be negotiable , when you realize that you can let go. Wish you luck❤❤❤

Focus on being your authentic self and appreciating your own worth...replace resentment with detachment

Gratitude is a central key to happiness.

Appreciation for what? Isolation and exclusion?

Right?? For heaven’s sake, there’s nothing wrong feeling a way about it when you’ve been mistreated, our emotional guidance system is there for a reason! Things need to be processed and healed properly of course, and skills learned. But it doesn’t mean you have an “inflated ego” for not being grateful for disrespect or even abuse.

The most ignorant victim blaming comment. What you say isn't a recipe for healing. Like your advice would be applicable to every situation. NOT.

“ An inflated ego” is an insulting term to use when referring to a victim’s reaction to abuse. More power to you , Lesley, if you can minimize your suffering with heartfelt gratitude that your abuser did not do everything to you that they might have done.

Thank you for watching.

I think you’re saying it very well.

I understand and felt the same way. What helped me was realizing that forgiveness means letting go of my feelings about something, versus saying the what happened was ok. It’s hard at first but with prayer I found it got easier. I also started to see how the people who hurt me where hurt themselves - not an excuse but to help me have compassion for all of us so I could more easily forgive and free myself.

Yes, I have longer videos on resentment. I also cover this in my book “overcoming shame“

Yes, we forgive people for wrongdoing. Wrongdoing is never OK. forgiveness is not excusing someone else it is releasing yourself from the pain of resentment.

@jencrews Thanks! Prayer really does help. I appreciate your reply :)

@DrMarkBaker Thank you Dr! I'll check them out God willing. Thank you so much for your reply! :)

Release yourself from resentment. It only hurts you.

So true!

Its impossible to forget, what is meant that you purposely don't bring it back to mind, you choose to leave judgement to God

@@Motherhubbard170 Yeah you can't forget, but you should emotionally purge it out with full forgiveness. See it as an objective reel of a memory.

Forget makes you susceptible to more of the same. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

Thank you.

You are correct. God knows your heart and he forgives you. There is no excuse for the behavior of a monster, and you should never accept it. He does not deserve your forgiveness, but forgiveness is not for him. It’s for you. Some people burn in hell for the things they have done and their lack of remorse for it. He sounds like one of those people. But You should not have to live with the resentment that robs you of peace. Forgiveness has only one goal and it is to relieve you of your pain. it’s not about him at all.

That is a good prayer. It may take some time, and possibly some help, but you can rid yourself of the resentment. You shouldn't have to keep paying a price for what he did.

I appreciate your honesty. I'm sorry for your pain.

Thank you for your honesty. You got this.

Thank you, and God bless you.

Do not stay in a relationship with someone who punches you and you will not be a punching bag. Forgiveness if for you to be released from resentment, it is not an invitation to allow toxic people back into your life.

Toxic positivity 😩 Some people just want to sulk in anger to nurture the resentment in their hearts.

If you watch more of my videos on resentment, you’ll understand how to get free from it

Maybe because forgiveness has become misunderstood in nowadays society, is not actually a positive thing to the forgiven person but to the person who forgive, forgiveness doesn't mean you'll be around the abuser, taking care or him or loving him unconditionally, but to don't hold negative feelings within you, life is soft and fresh air after forgiveness.

Absolutely not. You must acknowledge bad behavior before you can forgive it. If you minimize, excuse, tolerate or even accept bad behavior you are not forgiving it. You are just in denial. Confront bad behavior first, before you do anything else.

@@DrMarkBaker you do realise many people are testifying how they created a wide berth from their abuse parents. Yet still love them and forgive them. Where is the forgiveness if their boundaries require that they don’t go near the toxicity.

Of course you can forgive them from your heart, but it doesn’t mean you stick around for more of their behaviour

Thank you. Many people have been helped by the Big Book.

It sounds like the first thing you need to do is protect yourself from that family member. Safety first.

@@DrMarkBaker It was years ago. We didn't speak for years. I still don't trust them. I have a family now and people act like i'm supposed to just pretend it never happened and let them come around... Hard to not resent them all. Is it common to be Spurned by people you have supported? Is it some kind of psychological thing?

It is common for family members to be in denial about Abuse. They must pretend it didn’t exist or else they have to confront it and hold the abuser accountable It is not your fault. Do not let them make you feel the guilt that your abuser deserves. You are going to need to set boundaries to protect yourself. Get the support you need from people who understand. Don’t try to do this alone

@@DrMarkBaker thank you.

Your situation is complicated. You have many feelings towards many things that perhaps are still not resolved I would start by forgiving yourself. You don’t deserve to still be suffering with resentment.

Yes, exactly.

I hope you find a job and can get away from her.

That’s complicated. If you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, you may need to leave it.

I appreciate your honesty and your courage. You got this.

Help is possible. I’ve seen it many times, but you can rarely do this on your own. Reach out to a good therapist. You don’t have to do this alone.

Two years ago I spent seven weeks in a psych facility and two more months in PHP and IOP because I didn't want to stay anymore. I've spent so much time in constant anger anger and resentment, and for good reason. One thing this guy's got right: I assumed all of the shame and guilt my family put on me. I've been working my ass off to connect the dots in my life and my heart and my mind with therapists and fellow survivors, and it's taken all of this time to let that resentment run its course. The key is: I matter. I am just as valuable as anyone else. I am allowed to want things for myself.

And forgiveness can simply look like, walking away without doing any harm back and choosing to start afresh. Isn’t that the grace? Giving someone something that they don’t deserve? The abuser can say thank you that we don’t want to dish out the same crap they do.

​@@Miss_an100The thing is there are too many people claiming to know and represent what they claim (their agenda) God or God's wants and has decided. Bible was written by humans and has been repeatedly altered and edited by humans. "Forgiveness" is open to variated interpretations. I would advise you decide what is right for you....even if that changes as you get further information and time goes on.

@@karablake9200 Yes, you matter and don't you forget it. And if you feel anger it is OK, if you feel resntment it's ok, confusion is ok. Sometimes forgivness is not necessary to heal. Therapy is always a good choice. If you can't afford it I suggest Patrick Teahan and Tim Fletcher's channel. Take your time.

What relationship isn’t codependent

@@thefinaldispatch interdependent * is what you're striving for !

Well said

@@tyler6god seems like semantics but full transparency I don’t know enough on this topic

So true

Good for you.

Yes, having compassion for yourself. Is the central issue. But the test is whether or not you still have resentment in your heart.

Exactly. When you resent someone you have forgotten your worth.

Thanks

Thanks.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Forgiveness is for you to be released from resentment. It’s not to excuse the other person‘s behavior that you don’t even have to ever see again.

Sometimes the pain is so great you need help to get free. Don't try to go it alone.

@@DrMarkBaker thanks. Ok I will think about this. Hope you are well.

I have a deep respect for the spiritual nature of Drums.

Yes, it is hard work. But if you have resentment in your heart, it is very important work.

It keeps a negative bias guard up, and that is both limiting and damaging to the individual moving on

Keeping up your guard Is actually the closing of your heart. It makes you somewhat numb to pain but it also pinches you off from all the love you deserve.

I understand that the word forgiveness is difficult for most people because it has a religious connotation and has been often abused. For people to be in denial about their anger and resentment (which comes out later) is not forgiveness. But I agree with it has been abused often in the past. Excusing, tolerating, or even accepting things is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you not the other person. Forgiveness is releasing yourself from a prison of resentment. Forgiveness is not allowing abusive behavior to continue, it’s not allowing abusive people to stay in your life, and it’s not minimizing abuse. Those are all different things and none of them are forgiveness. You are correct, most people prefer the word acceptance However, you can accept something and still resent. In most cases that keeps the Abuse alive

RIGHT ON THE MONEY

Thanks for your honesty.

You haven’t forgiven unless u let go and forget

So correct.

Never say never.

Thank you for your honesty. You may not need men, but you do need to be released from resentment. Move on to freedom.

The hardest person to forgive is usually yourself. But I think you have a lot of work to do first. I would seek out a good therapist and begin to work on all those painful emotions. We cannot change the past, but we can change ourselves now. You can commit yourself to a process of becoming a better person and doing as much good in the world as possible. Learn from your mistakes and become a better man. But don’t try to do that alone. Seek help.

@DrMarkBaker Thank you for replying, and caring. Yes.... alone is difficult. I have reached out to therapist. They all said it alot of Grief to bare. And the losses besides the obvious... were also my identity, purpose, social interactions, friendships and coworkers... that too is why . After 25yrs years of a great job, that was connected to all aspects of my life... was instantly over. There's the trauma. I know can't go back, but also can't go forward... my foward I had always known was destroyed. Now, I suffer in the present moment. ... im in a bad situation.

Thank you!

Glad it was helpful!