Theresa is Boring! A Book Review of Empress Theresa | Part 1 

I can't believe empress theressa 5-minute-crafted her way out of a government execution

Chapter One: I was a cute kid Chapter Four: I skydived thousands of feet with my Coke bottles in my armpits

Tbh, "Lucy the crackhead who lives under the stairs" is a much more compelling premise and character than whatever this is.

You own an actual…. Physical copy of Empress Theresa… that’s like owning a real copy of hand drawn Sonichu in legendary bad books. Awesome.

What Krimson said: "Congratulations Onision, you are no longer the worst author I have ever read" What Onision heard: "I'm so sorry Greg, I was wrong in my initial analyses, and I have reviewed my opinion. You are the most godly and manly writer that ever existed and I really hope you don't throat punch me like 23 star master general president diety arthur did to those airmen".

First Image: Jesus has entered the video and sits on a throne draped in the fur of a Dalmatian, surrounded by volumes of man's greatest works and in his hand, he holds man's greatest mistake.

I've been working on a book idea for 10 years. Had the idea since I was twelve. Since its conception, I have written, erased, rewritten, and revised my ideas and writing in meticulous and excruciating detail. I was convinced for years that my ideas were stupid, or that my writing wasn't "good enough". If it was less than perfect, it wasn't worth sharing. After seeing several reviews of literature, all of which is better burned in a symbolic fire than read with mortal eyes...I have decided to give my novel the ol' college try, because, dear God in Heaven, anything I write cannot be as bad as this.

This is kinda minor... yet also important sorta. Theresa is from Massachusetts, and based on his mannerisms with this book near where Norman lives. If she's from any part of Massachusetts, she's not "a good girl" like she claims. As someone from Massachusetts, we're all awful people. We're all assholes of the highest caliber, and people who say they aren't are liars

The line "I was born, I had a good time, I was vaporized by a bomb" would actually be kinda funny in a better book ngl.

Elderly man writes novel about his OC Lolita Waifu.

Better opening lines because I have no life: My name's Theresa Sullivan. I'm seventeen years old, and I guess I'm pretty average aside from the primordial alien merged with me on the cellular level. Aside from holding the world together with my blood, sweat, and tears, I like knitting, studying, and hanging out with my boyfriend. I love you Steve, best part of my hellish existence on this planet!

i love that the rock throwing is presented as a superpower. If you go to any village in India you will find multiple children who can do this. They can hit a rabid dog in the eye at 50 yards. This is a normal thing

"I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb." This line would have been very meaningful...if it wasnt from this book.

"Congratulations Onision, you are no longer the worst writer I've ever read." You're telling me... this is worse than Reaper's Creek. JESUS.

2:55 He's basically a creepy old religious fanatic obsessed with Joan of Arc so he wrote a story where she's a Mary Sue called Theresa. The Claude Frollo of authors.

17:55 this reminds me of a review of Empress Theresa: “Empress Theresa is not a good book, neither is it a terrible book. It is one of those things that convinced me of the infinite mercy of god, anything less than infinite mercy would have incinerated this book before it was unleashed on an unsuspecting public”

"I've seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date on my milk" Oh my god this is brilliant.

I want "im sitting on a throne of books your opinion means jackshit to me." On a t-shirt

On Theresa skipping the 5th grade because of her hair: That means Norman, a grown man, is describing the emotional maturity of his teenage protagonist through her physical attributes. Yeah... I don't like it.

Me: "Yeah, this book is obviously garbage, but it's not much worse than some wattpad stories or fanfictions. Him: "And that's just the first chapter." Me: "Humanity was a mistake."

It seems like Jesus never did die for our sins, he just started reviewing books a lot. I respect that.

To be fair, even if Onision isn't the worst author, he still has the lovely distinction of being the worst person.

"Bitch, I am sitting on a throne made of books!" needs to be a GIF

I really liked how you pointed out that this is a case of men writing women poorly because it's exactly what I thought when the whole reason she gets to skip a grade is because her hair becomes beautiful so she's sent to be with 'girls who are the same level of emotional maturity as she is' that's such a creepy way to think, like now that she's old enough to be physically attractive to me it must mean she's so much more mature than the other girls her age. She's the embodiment of his male fantasy and it's disturbing that he chose to start with that when the character was a child.

Empress Theresa changed my life during the covid pandemic. Someone had bought up all of the toilet paper, and this book got me through it.

"I'm sitting on a throne of books" *Knowledge is power*

"I was cute as a button" as an opening line would work, if you make the story about that. I had the idea of a girl who won child beauty pageants multiple times, which serious distorts her self image and world view, as she grows up.

"It deals with Humanity's problems, therefore it's not a YA novel." Tell that to every early 2010s Dystopian YA novel.

CrimsonRogue: "The review is not going to go on that long, I'm not going to go into too much detail." Me: Looks at the timestamp: 18:35 Looks at total time: 1:42:22 Looks in recommended: *PART 5* HMMMM

Moral to the story: Be nice to the critics. Sometimes they're the only ones who buy your book

I think, canonically, the officers thought Theresa was just really emotionally attached to the garbage bag, possibly even the garbage in the bag, and could not bring themselves to strip her of her last dignity to bring her comfort trash to her execution.

The more I think about the "Kidnapping" moment the more I laugh. She already has enhanced strength and unerring accuracy from hal, and hal has PROVEN that if he thinks she needs some form of enhancement he'll provide it. Not only should she be freaking out, not snarking, Hal should be freaking out as well and giving her death lasers and toxic pheromones and titanium skin and shit. There should be no "Kidnapping", there should be an incident in the morning news about a crater in the street.

Okay I couldn't help but think: Naruto is a kid with a fox spirit in his belly. And Theresa is a kid with a fox spirit in her belly. Original character do not steal

I'd call Norman the YandereDev of literature, but at least he finished his book.

god, the reveal of ' that was the end... of CHAPTER ONE' a full 50 minutes into the video was so fucking good

Wait, so Theresa got a boyfriend, broke up with him because he's a two-timer, got a new boyfriend and married him, all in a single chapter in a book this freaking long? Complete with irrelevant bloviating and lack of actual detail? Onision's books had better love stories than that!

Me: watches 50 Min of a guy I've never heard of talking about possibly the worst book ever in order to feel better about my own writing. Him: This was all only the first chapter. WTF

"Theresa also has a tendency to take problems and solve them by making things much, much worse. Her solutions are some of the most creative and most idiotically dangerous things I have ever read." I don't think I've ever identified with the main character of a book more to be honest.

1:19:57 as someone who recently got married, I cannot imagine a single woman out there who would describe what was supposedly the most exciting moment of her life this way. No woman who is marrying the love of her life who she is genuinely happy with would barely touch on what actually happened and only bother to describe the dress, much less care about “charming the crowd” with her cleavage. I barely remember what my own dress looked like because I was so excited to be marrying someone I had been head-over-heels in love with for the past five years. The only reason I can think of why she would be more focused on her dress and the crowd’s reaction to it than she would be on her husband is if she’s not marrying for love, but is actually getting married because she wants to draw more attention to herself. She isn’t getting married because she loves Steve, she’s getting married because it’s a chance for her to show off. Instead of “Love and marriage is a very serious commitment, which has its ups and downs and can sometimes be difficult” which would be a very good message for young women, we get “Look everyone! I got married as soon as I turned 18 and never had any problems in my relationship! I’m just so much better than you guys because I found my true love right away with zero effort on my part!” Which is not how relationships are supposed to work, especially not a healthy one.

KR: "I'm not gonna go into detail..." Morgan Freeman: "He did, in fact, go into detail."

"He aimed for Wonder Woman, and we got Lucy the Crackhead who lives under the stairs." this is gonna be my senior quote thank you

I actually measured my leg to find out how short a skirt "six inches above the knee" would be and, I don't know, I might have short thighs, but that's a belt.

My headcannon is that Norman wanted to have Theresa be the second coming of Jesus but just didn’t have the balls to do it. Or that she’s the anti-Christ, either one works

Most of the baffling "facts" Norman doles out sound like what we used to call "old wives' tales". My grandmother (born in the 20's) used to be downright amazing for what complete nonsense she could dredge up for any occasion. For example, she used to tell me that I couldn't have any cookies because "chocolate causes acne", or that green eyes meant you had psychic powers. She was also convinced that her Orthodox Jewish bosses didn't eat the ham she brought to potluck because they were trying to insult her cooking. ...Actually, come to think of it, Norman reminds me of her a LOT.

"This review isn't going to be too long; I won't go into too much detail" >Review is almost two hours long >Review is listed as "part 1"

Theresa: "My body made a hard belly flop. I was knocked out." Me: "That's an interesting way to spell dead"

...Norman referring to Krimson as being "immersed in fourth rate media" and then directly saying his character is better due to avoiding "THE media" irks me because it implies that not only does Norman refuse to acknowledge the difference between media (books, movies, etc) and THE media (reporters and the like), but that he's okay with making himself look like an idiot for the sake of saying "you're a troll and my waifu OC is better than you." Willful ignorance is annoying.

Your effort to NOT say Mary Sue is admirable

"If I were to write my autobiography now, I'd write three lines: "I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb." That's actually a great opening for a story. It's too bad it was for this book, by this writer and placed deep into Chapter 3. See 1:25:37.

>Krim uploads >almost 2 hours >approvingnod.jpg >"part 1" >tfw

Krim: I'm not going to go in to too much detail Also Krim: *Makes FIVE videos about this book*

norman describing theresa's wedding clothing it's dangerously similar to "my immortal", that infamous beyond stupid fanfic

Wait. "Theresa's a good girl. Theresa doesn't talk to reporters." .... but she was on TV. Which, I imagine, involves talking about reporters.

hi krim. for those who don't know, the person who "challenged" norman........was me. i didn't expect krim to review this book. i merely brought him up because krim was the only book reviewer i trust and respect and norman hasn't any one do a proper review of the book on a larger platform. and if his book was truly good, krim would find some positives to say about it. needless to say, that simple challenge grew far beyond my own expectations. so now, i'm gonna sit back and enjoy watching norm's "masterpiece" get gutted in front of hundreds of thousands of people. and to you, krim, i salute you for doing what even i and many many others around the world couldn't do: actually finish reading this...................Apocolypse of literature.

A 10 yo hallucinates that an Alien giving her a "white ball" and then create mass histeria by spreading it to everyone would be one hell of work of art lmao

1:21:57 "But I didn't cry. I wasn't a phony movie actress using hysterics to milk all the drama she could out of every moment. I was a real person and I didn't give a damn what these kidnappers thought." Is the guy that wrote this a sociopath? Doesn't he understand that crying can sometimes be involuntary? Are there people out there that truly don't understand that most people cry without necessarily wanting or meaning to? I am really confused by this quote, though I think I am beginning to understand why some people get frustrated with 'hysterics' (crying) a little more now. They can't relate.

"How many of you are there?" "Hundreds." "That's a lot of people." This exchange is so uncanny and hilarious that it's like something a character in a Monty Python sketch would say.

Onision: "I am the author of the worst book in the history of literature" Norman: *Hold my garbage bag of 11 coke bottles*

I can honestly say that I genuinely relate to the inner workings of _literal_ sea cucumbers more than any of the characters in this book, and as a consequence any sort of insight or perspective Norman has to offer through it. It reads like some horrible kink fiction sequestered in the foulest online cul-de-sac of the foulest obscure forum, -but I'm at a loss to envision what sort of person is being catered for here.- *EDIT:* _"I was gorgeous as a recently turned eighteen year old."_ Never mind, I'm now up to speed...

RIP Krimson's Pink Highlighter. You gave your life for a noble cause, and you will be missed.

A common expression used for first drafts of novels is "Saying your book is bad on the first draft is like saying your cake tastes bad while the ingredients are still on the counter." This book is like if you walked out of the store, dropped your bag of ingredients in the middle of the road, let it get run over by seven cars, took it home and made the cake anyway. Then set it on fire.

So I looked it up, the author has a website saying that this book should be taught in middle and high school and I wholeheartedly agree: "How to not write 101"

“The review’s not going to go that long” he said. “I’m not going to go into that much detail” he said.

When you said that there's a term many people would use to describe Theresa but you'd try your best not to say it during this review, it took me embarrassingly long to realise you did not mean c*nt, and in fact we were supposed to think of the term Mary Sue XD

I just looked up Empress Theresa on Goodreads while watching this and almost fell off of my couch because Onisions books are listed in the ''Readers also enjoyed'' section next to it xD

“Prime Minister Blair is not prone to exaggeration”... what, Tony Blair? Tony “Lied about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction” Blair? Not prone to Exaggeration?

i need theresa and daniel from reapers creek to battle it out in the ultimate mary sue christian vs atheist showdown

This book actually brings me so much comfort. No matter how my books may turn out, at least I know they’ll never be worse than Empress Theresa.

Y'know what's funny? When I used to see Empress Theresa, just the cover art, without any context? I actually thought it was a decent, unique style. It felt like something a grade-schooler would draw, like if it was a YA novel of some kind about a kid growing up in Soviet Russia or something. Knowing what it's about now and how the cover is unintentionally terrible has since soured that opinion.

"Theresa doesn't even talk to reporters!" "Theresa was on TV all the time" Hmmmmmmmmm 🤔

I’ve finally got around to watching this and I need to say this for those of you going through the comments; the section at 56:44 is actually 100% a real commercial, because I’ve seen it before. This man just play-by-play described a real Amazon commercial in his book and called it “writing”.

The thing with Theresa dialing 0 always stuck out at me and I think I figured out why. It's effectively a microcosm of most of the ways Norman's writing is awful, distilled into one single event. Even though I'm uncertain of when the story is supposed to take place, we know that it's at least somewhere after the early 2000's because Norman went out of his way to add in bits talking about internet trolls later. This presents a huge problem with the event since dialing 0 for the operator likely had been phased out of normal everyday phones since the 60's. Even if it were still available, a young girl like Theresa would not have that as her first idea (she likely shouldn't even know what dialing 0 even meant). If we give her that, it still doesn't make sense because her reasoning, as far as I know, isn't explained. I'm pretty sure the dial 0 thing is something he saw in an old spy movie from the 50's but Norman is too lazy and/or ignorant of the real world to realize that technology has moved on.

"I hire artists because they do it better. I don't pay them in exposure, I pay them in money." Best practices. :3

The "jumping out of a plane with a nuclear bomb in it and surviving because I brought a bag of Coke bottles with me" thing sounds more like the backstory for a Metal Gear boss, to be honest...

Jan Struthers: "Something came to earth 7 years ago." Theresa: "Something came to earth 12 years ago?" Jan: "Yes. Something came to earth 24 years ago"

This book is just Norman writing his own psychosis. Like, its really sad actually. He's losing his mind and this book is a deep dive into it. Turning severely to a misunderstood version of religion, severe paranoia (assassins, thinking you know how to tell if your phone line is tapped, etc), obsession with youth and purity and shit like that.

Norman: *Writes a horrible book and acts like it’s the best thing ever* Krim: I’m about to end this man’s whole career.

When I saw the bad reviews about EmpT I searched on yt to see what on this book was so horrible, and I must say I was really surprised when I saw that Jesus Christ himself got so pissed off about the existence of this book that he came back to earth and made a bunch of videos complaining about the book.

It just hit me she doesn't need a water tight seal on the coke bottles cuz they're already watertight by design. If the cap couldn't keep liquid out, it wouldn't work as a resealable bottle. This does not make her plan more viable in the slightest Edit: the bottles would absolutely still break when they hit the water due to *hitting it at terminal velocity* but like if she hadn't wasted the time ripping up the bag, she could have jumped out earlier and had a slightly shorter fall, and hell, maybe she could have tried using the bag as a parachute (again, wouldn't work at this height, but it still seems like a more logical choice than what she did)

I cant believe how much this sounds like stories I wrote as a TWELVE YEAR OLD! Stories I wrote as I went along, with no planning, and with the very first ideas that came to me for plot points... WHY IS A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN'S WRITING LIKE THIS??

I'm just imagining KR walking into a Staples, raking the shelves clean of tabs, and then going up to the manager and asking if they have more. "But, sir, your cart is full." "MORE. TABS. PLEASE."

"He aimed for wonder woman, and we got Lucy the crackhead who lives under the stairs" LOL

I love the fact that there's an entire fandom wikipedia article about Norman's ego. It's legit the funniest thing I've read in a while.

I wish there was an adult animated series of Empress Theresa that goes by every single ludicrous and nonsensical event in the book. But only Theresa is very much self aware of how stupid the world works and is constantly driven crazy by all the love bombing and all the super powers given to her by Hal for no reason until Theresa becomes a numb and exhausted woman by the end of it all.

I could see the opening being semi-decent if the point was that Theresa was this bright kid with all these great expectations placed upon her... and then we cut to her in her mid-twenties or thirties or something, working some crappy part time job, depressed, feeling like she's failed all the expectations placed upon her. And then the book's about her realizing that just because she's not the most successful person ever by a conventional definition doesn't mean she can't find meaning and happiness in her life and make an impact nevertheless.

'This isn't a young adult book.' Darling, this isn't even a children's book.

The white ball thing would actually have potential in the hands of a better author, imagine a child stumbling uphon an alien bioengineered weapon. With the main character slowly changing more and more into a creature adapted for survival nearly anywhere. However the story would involve the fear of the main character as they hide from the government and Thier family and friends, they have the power of being an immensely powerful creature able of surviving anywhere, but are emotionally broken. They could even add in a love story where despite the thing the protagonist has become Thier love interest can still see past the alien exterior. Also you could add in some action scenes, I'd imagine an alien bioweapon suit thingy would probably have defensive weaponry for hostile planets.

9:49 "I can barely do stick figures and even then, they all look like they have debilitating scoliosis." That line had me dying laughing. The delivery was perfect.

"Bonus points: I don't pay them in exposure, I pay them in money." Probably one of the greatest things I have ever heard.

Empress Theresa, written: she was beautiful, a gorgeous young lady whose sheer artistic features were time stopping Empress Theresa, drawn: what you get when you melt an ugly mannequin

He apparently worked on this book for 20 years and couldn’t think of another person to compare her to than Hitler. Jefferson, Roosevelt, Franklin, You can google search important people of modern history, why Hitler?

1:06:45 You can always tell a true bibliophile by whether or not a book can completely stop them in their tracks even if they're working. 🤣

other you tubers: lol i’m a youtuber i’m a failure krimsonrogue: *flexes on a throne of books and his silver play button next to him*

Books like this only exist to prove that literally anyone can publish one.

I really want an Internet Historian recreation of this book. He would definitely nail it

When the words “Deus ex Stupid” came up, I had to stop the video for like 5 minutes to cry/wheeze with laughter. Simply glorious.

With all the horrible, awkward descriptions of Theresa's teenage body, I can't help but feel that Norman has mastered the art of typing with one hand...

Krimson: "This is all in chapter ONE." *Sees how much time has passed* Me: Oh no...

I really appreciate someone who’s willing to include a joke like “it’s gaining powers by lamarckian evolution,” not waste time explaining what it is, and just trust that the target audience will be there and get it. I personally always like a reference to random science history

I've rewatched this a few times and I've always meant to point this out but haven't. I think I know what was up with the phone tapping and asking for pizza. I believe Norman thinks the way phone tapping works is that the person tapping your phone is actually intercepting all of your calls, and just pretending to be whoever you call. So if you call the operators and ask for a number and they give you it strait away, it really is the operator. However if you call and they don't know the number it's someone impersonating them in order to monitor your phone activity. It's dumb as hell but I THINK that's what he was going for.