Top 10 Ways to Love an Enneagram Type Five 

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I'm a Five and I definitely struggle with letting people know what my needs are and feeling like a burden. It's so bad, that if someone outright asks me what they can do to help me my mind just goes blank. It isn't that I don't want to let them know how they can help me, I just can't think of it when put on the spot. For me, when I feel the most loved is when someone just does something for me, without me having to ask and with no expectation of being paid back. This could be in the form of a gift or (even better) by observing my struggles and stepping in to help without me having to articulate those struggles.

Ooo, yeah.... As a 5, I tried to be human once. It totally didn't suit me. I'm glad I gave up on love a LONG time ago.

A tip for loving fives that builds on tip four: the more that they are in the zone and doing something that they are comfortable with, the more they go to security, which is the positive side of eight. I am a five, and personally I love engineering. When I am doing that I get a lot more outgoing and confident

At 23, I just got into enneagram. It's crazy how many of the steps to integration I had taken on my own (as someone obsessed with self-improvement to a fault), although I was shooting in the dark. I've been meditating for almost 2 years (the single best thing Ive done for my mental health), trying to strengthen my friendships, and become more emotionally vulnerable with myself and with my friends, and sometimes even acquaintances or strangers. After discovering my type, and realizing that there are indeed women out there who are compatible with me and vice versa, I cried a little. Which is very, very rare. For the first time in my life I cried at something beautiful. I always thought I was basically incapable of having a relationship, for the reason I feel incompetent romantically, and it takes me so damn long to open up and trust people fully. I tricked myself into thinking I didn't need love. A fulfilling, beautiful relationship between two people was something I thought I would never attain, or maybe though "luck" or "fate". But, nope, I'm wrong, if I put in the work and validate my needs, I can do this. And as foreign as it feels, trying to tap into my emotions is draining, yet makes me feel a lot better. It's almost like I am accepting a part of myself I had denied and buried so deep I didn't know it existed. I still try to rationalize emotions, but I am accepting that every emotion I feel is valid. My entire life has been about my head, and I want desperately to get in touch with my heart. I never realized I could have a fulfilling relationship with someone I could help grow, and could help me grow as a person. I am determined to start getting dating down and find love. The mere thought of being without a romantic partner for the rest of my life terrifies me. It's scary but through self awareness and effort, I have faith that I will find the woman for me, and I will be the right man for the right woman. Even as I write this, it feels weird, but you know what? _My needs are valid_

I am a 5 and can't even tell you how seen this video makes me feel.

Sometimes, as a five, my family wants to do something like play a board game after a long day, but I just want to go to my room to recharge. I have to get over myself a bit and be there for my family

My greatest fears in relationships are that I don't know what I'm doing. A sense that I might not be enough or provide the things someone else needs in a relationship. I've been single my entire life and after delving into the enneagram, realized I need intimacy and I want a partner (not to complete me, but someone to share my world with). I've been kinda dating, but I sometimes have urges to cut someone off so I don't have to deal with the baggage, or the nagging sense that I will not be enough/competent in a romantic relationship.

As a five, I retreat to my phone or a book a lot when I try to recharge

I’m a 4 in a three year relationship with a 5 and this series has been so insightful and eye-opening for me!! I went through a rough patch where I was very emotionally dependent and demanding and I overwhelmed him to the point that the damage was almost irreparable. We’re finally getting back to a really healthy and balanced and mutually supportive place because I understand and respect his need for independence and alone time while he’s made an effort to express his love more clearly and openly. This video in particular is a nice reminder of how to uplift the more emotionally reserved person in your life. love him so much :’)

I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm obviously a 5. One thing I would add, although I guess it's somewhat covered by the things you mentioned: Any little "trivial" task that you can do for a 5 is appreciated. It's nice to have that one little thing not to worry about, or have to think about, or have to expend energy on. I know it may not be what you want to do - doing little "menial" tasks for a 5, but it's so appreciated. It takes a lot of weight off of a 5's mind.

(I'm 5w4) This was really good! I think once we manage our fear of incompetence we are left with this beautiful curiosity of the world and are constantly awe struck by how amazing seemingly simple and mundane things are. So please ask us about what we're researching(we do this for fun) and maybe go nuts and do your own research on the topic and we will SWOON over you.

I always need my solitude, and people assume I’m being rude or introverted, when I really just need time to think and relax without other people talking and me needing to listen. I hide when I’m faced with a large social gathering, not to be rude, but to clear my head and rest in silence for a few moments.

I'm a 5w4 INTJ. I'd add "share your passions and/or topics of expertise" with them, in addition to asking them about theirs. Even if I have little to no interest in the actual topic, gaining more knowledge or a different perspective on a topic that a friend or loved one really cares about makes me happy.

I have noticed the enthusiasm 5s show when I express interest in their pet intellectual pursuits.

I am a 5w4 and this is right on! I worry that my loved ones will think I don't care about them, but I NEED space and time to recharge. Love the idea of processing thoughts rather than feelings too.

I'm a 5, watching this so I know how to better love myself (of course I need to research this as well)

Im a 5w4 and feel like my needs are a burden because usually when I bring them up the subject is changed, the person starts talking about themselves, or I get questioned/critized for saying what I need. So I often feel I shouldn't bring it up

As a 4, I made a classic mistake with my 5 friend: she took a few days away from our group to do that recharge thing 5s need to do. When she resurfaced, I burst out "I missed you!" Very awkward. I was kicking myself for using feelings to express how much I value her. I might as well have placed a 50 lb bag on her shoulders. Thankfully, I refrained from hugging her. She is well-informed of her 5 type and knows that 4s work from emotions, so I think she shrugged it off.

My husband is a 5 and has Chronic Fatigue. He spend a lot of time in his office gaming. Because of his CF he couldn't help with a lot of the daily tasks as most of his spare energy goes to his job as a nurse. As a 9 it took me a long time to talk to him about stuff I found difficult, to ask for things I needed as well (Time is my love language) and also learn HOW to talk about issues in our marriage. The latter blew my mind. I've learned to sort my thoughts and emotions in advance and condense it to specific thoughts and issues that I then present to him, which he then processes mostly alone. This way i get my thoughts out, and he recieves and processes information which isn't wrapped up in a cloud of emotions. 😂 Wanted to share in case it could be helpfull for someone else! Understanding how we work as a 5 and a 9 has helped so much, as well as taking time to properly communicate and figure out HOW to communicate ❤ this video was a blessing as well in the reminder of that I am doing right in giving him space, and as we grow to know eachother more i'll learn when to push him and when to let him rest 👏❤

I really enjoyed this. My husband and two best friends are all 5s. I have found taking an interest in what they are collecting knowledge about to be the most fun and interesting (sometimes only) way to connect with them. I feel like often times 5s struggle in social interactions because they don't know what the expectations are and it's an unpredictable situation.

Spot on, I tested in 1970, both the MBTI and Enneagram. Results were INFJ 5w4. Now 59 years of age and honestly a struggle from years past, your insight to our types is remarkable. Haven't seen a video or written material and believe me, I have over 300 books on this topic, you actually hit the bullseye and not merely the target. Thank you, appreciate your efforts.

That just because a 5 knows a lot about a lot of things it doesn't mean they know something about everything. ESPECIALLY interpersonal relationship type stuff. If they don't know where they stand in a relationship or what's expected of them they'll escape to something they can know about. Want me to marry you? I think I'm going to get a PhD first. In anything.

Hello, 5 here, wings balanced. It's scary how accurate this was. You did a great job, thank you.

So I’m an enneagram 8 and my husband is a 5. I was SHOCKED when I found out he was a 5 because he is so extroverted and people loving (actually, more than me). But everything else is spot on. I realized not all 5’s need solitude because they don’t like people or are introverted, but because they need time to process their thoughts. My husband cannot go a day without talking to people, but he does benefit from a few hours of alone time after a hard day or an emotionally taxing one. Which is definitely fine with this type 8 😄😜

Wow, all so true. I’m a 7w8 married to a 5w6. When we first met, I didn’t know about his need to conserve energy and I wore him all the way out 😂

The solitude part? Yes! No matter how much energy I'd prepared for an occasion I absolutely need a time alone to recover for myself. It's just yesterday myself feel super tired after playing social media even though because I had different convo all at once. So I stopped for a day or two and it feels great. About feeling and thinking personally I choose people asking my feeling first rather that what you're thinking 😅

I'm a 5 and I approve this message lol😁

I have loved a 5 for 6 years now..I believe I am a 9 leaning into a 6. This video made me a cry a bit because I’ve done my best to understand him and love him in a way no one else has. It was challenging and hurtful in the beginning because I was just getting to know him..I wish I had this then but seeing it now I believe it could bring us closer ❤️ so thank you.

I cant wait for you to make one for type 8s and 9s. Personally, I'm a type 5, but I dont know how to express appreciation and gratitude to my friends (types 3, 8 and 9s) without it sounding boring and/or almost emotionless Also, your point about believing our needs are a burden to others is true. Thank you for making these, they're helpful and informative!

I think that context as well as evidence is quite important for us fives. If we know that the person who’s trying to be casual about helping is likely to bring it up again or expect something exchange (especially emotions we are not very good at communicating unless they’re true and not forced) then it doesn’t really matter how casual that person’s offer for help is, we won’t want to accept it even if it makes life more difficult in practical terms. It just tends to not be worth it - I’d rather have it more difficult but in my control, or knowing when and why, than have it be slightly easier but have no idea how or when it might come round and bite me in the... low tank of energy. 😅

I’m a 4 who dated a 5...it was all before the knowledge of the Enneagram! It makes so much sense how he always was so emotionally detached...and I’m highly emotional! I felt that when you said 5s hoard attention and affection.

Related to all these. My dad, brother, and second son are all 5s. I’m a 1 and I think 5s are my favorite to just sit and talk with. I can talk feelings, but love diving deep into a topic and all the creativity 5s bring.

I'm late in learning about the ennegram (and MBTI - I'm an ISTP). My entire adult life consisted in me doubting about myself and feeling like a real outsider because I was zero interested in creating new bonds with people around me. In my College years I saw how many people enjoyed of big groups of friends and social life when I'd only be able to ocassionally hangout with my very few best friends. Even I discussed in therapy (I only took 4 sessions) how I constantly feel so weird for being "unable" to have friends, the therapist never got my point though. I wish I knew this information before and I'd have felt normal and avoid the negative impact in my self steem. Now, being 27, I only stick to few friends, my family, and hardly feel fully comfortable in a relationship. I know that when I really like somebody I'll almost obssesively care about that person and give as much as I can for him, other than that, I don't care about most people I interact with.

This video is excellent. I think I might have been forced to change a couple things because most people don't understand me too well. What I find most difficult about being a five is the pity people seem to show you when they realise you're a loner.

Understand that research and curiosity are core parts of who we are and enjoy the idiosyncrasies that come with that. Do I hypothesize every movie ending within the first 5 minutes of the movie and have the pathological need to pull out my phone and see if I was right? Yes. Does it mean that I'll ruin the movie for you? No, although I may start bouncing up and down in my chair if I'm right. If the behavior isn't hurting you, and it's bringing us joy, please don't call us out for being strange, or make fun. There is nothing that will shut down a 5 faster. Also, if you ask us about our interests we may get really passionate about it and get really chatty. Make sure you are in the space to actually listen/participate in the conversation. If I feel like you don't actually care about what I'm saying it makes me really sad and I most likely won't bring it up again. Just remember that often we aren't very confident in our social skills and we hate feeling unprepared or not knowledgable, or like we don't belong (even though we often accept this). if you highlight that insecurity we may not show that we're hurt externally, but we also most likely won't be our true selves around you again. (I'm a 5w4 one-to-one INTJ for context)

My wife and I just learned about Enneagream a little over a year ago. She is a 5. I am a 2. *pause* Yeahhhhh. These videos have been VERY helpful in providing insight on understanding one another. You hit the nail on the head when you talked about "not taking her actions personally"...because for years, I thought her all of her behavior TOWARDS me was BECAUSE of me (which is a 2 being a 2). Really appreciate the tips and how you make it very practical.

Feel seen & validated. Thanks 🙏

I can't wait until you do the video about 6's. I am either a 5w6 or a 6w5, so a lot of these really rang true to me. An important part in all my relationships has been establishing clear boundaries and expectations about my energy levels. Also explaining to loved ones that my research side comes from a place of anxiety. I don't want to be unprepared for the situation or make the wrong decision, so collecting as much info as possible helps put my mind at ease. Sometimes loved ones interpret that as being uncaring though. For instance, in highschool one of my friends had a pregnancy scare. My reaction was to ask specific questions and then send her a ordered list of what needed to be done and a list of resources in our community. She got very mad at me. It turns out that things like "and if you're having unprotected sex with your boyfriend, you should probably get a full STI workup done while we're at the clinic for the test anyway" was not interpreted in the way I meant it... I've worked hard to not give unsolicited advice/research, but I love it when people come to me asking for that kind of help. It lets me show my love and help them in a way that plays to my strengths.

I so needed this... !! Before I knew about the Enneagram, being a 4 w 3 ... I just didn't know, I was stepping all over a type 5 dear friend's fears and inadequacies... And I was well, simply clueless. Saddly she quit the friendship... And I believe, we both lost... :( Today I'm better equipped to be myself yet, aware of others motives and needs... It's truly helping me maneuver through more challenging relationships! Like my beloved type 8 husband, my sister, a true 6 and a close friend, who just happens to be, a type 1! :)

I feel understood. No more words needed.

This was so spot on. Thank you!

Spot on!

Awesome! (As usual). 🙂 I'm not a 5, but here is what two different 5s once told me, and it's quite interesting (maybe the 5s here can confirm or not): they are actually quite fascinated and drawn to 4s, and have good friendships with them (in general). 4s like to talk about who they are what they feel and why, 5s appreciate all the information they get through this conversation especially since they are not always at ease with feelings/emotions and expressing them. They like to understand and collect information and 4s can provide this to them quite well. And on the other hand, 4s appreciate the listening abilities of the 5, and their want of information. In that sense, 4s allow 5s to feel alive and "in the world"; 5s allow 4s a curious and attentive ear (as we say in french...).So apparently 4s and 5s can make quite a good match. What do 4s and 5s think? Thanks!

I have just started studying the enneagram and wow has it been an eye opener! As a 2 in a relationship with a 5, this advice is spot on. Realizing how differently we function has really put the need for open communication as a number one priority…something I’ve had to work extra hard at but is paying off 😅 Love your videos and your sense of humor!!

I’m a 4w5 and this was spot on. I LOVE researching and it actually recharges me when I do get the chance to do so.

You nailed this. My son is a 5 and it's spot-on.

amazingly spot on, from a 5 medical doctor!!!!! thank you

When you are cursed by being a four with a five wing... I hate my emotions so much, yet if I don't pay attention to them I'll burst. .👁🗞

I’m a 5 and I was waiting for this video since the first in the series came out. I’m sure it was difficult for you to make, but I must say it was pretty spot on. Well done, Abbey!

I really reallllly appreciate this video!

Hi Abbey! Thank you for the video. I had a comment regarding energy levels - I think what you said is great, the only thing I would add is that at least for me, as a sexual subtype, I take great pride in giving my time, energy and resources to my loved ones to show that I am committed to them and the relationship. Often it can actually go to an extreme especially in an intimate setting. When I don’t feel appreciated or acknowledged, sometimes thank you isn’t enough. You hit the nail on the head saying that I would like to be acknowledged for how much is being taken out of my pile, at least on an ego level! When I’m coming from my best self, I am genuinely generous with all of it and just want to make people feel seen and loved on. I always wish I had more to give. But I’ll do it all without acknowledging on my own what I’d like to receive from others! It’ll typically take a difficult experience that I’ll reflect on to begin to move in the direction of being more generously present, all the while my hurt inner self wants to retreat and both to be unimpeded upon and to not be hurtful toward others.

I'm a 7, and for some reason me and 5s get on really well, and the guy I'm in love with I think is 5w6 .. they are just lovely people x

I'm a type 2 with a 5. I've really, really had to reign myself in. Not taking things personally and making sure I back off and give personal recharge space. Your videos are very helpful!

You nailed it! Thank you sooo much for making this video... I truly appreciate it! xoxo

Good information!

Wow, I've never been so sure I'm a 5. And that means a lot coming from my skeptical self! I've been pondering a discussion I recently heard about how 9w1 INTPs frequently mistype as 5s because type 5 descriptions are so Ti-heavy. This had me wondering (I do think there's a 9w1 in my tritype), but after all this, you've reaffirmed my fiveness. I'm curious where you source the info that informs these videos (if you care to tell). Looking forward to the rest of the types in this series!

as an Aquarius - i could relate and felt spoken to by every point! really similiar description. gonna take the test now.

As a 5, I can say this is so true - especially understanding how long and what, exactly, a person will need. It's not that I don't want to give. I just need to know that I will be able to have the energy/know how to help emotionally. My heart goes out to people in my life who need so much emotional support. It has taken me awhile to realize some people just want you to stay with them and listen and tell them things will be okay - I don't have to fix their problem.

I'm a 5w4. The description of #10 is spot on, I would love to be approached that way! And holy crap, I didn't know it was a 5 thing to think that our needs are a burden. It makes me sad that other people feel that way too :( I won't ask for help unless I'm literally about to die 😂 Lmao the dragon/treasure comparison was great. This is a very insightful and fun video!

Put it in the calendar, yes ma'am!

Learning how to love myself

Such an important video! 5's are so misunderstood! The Road Back to You and The Path Between Us are awesome books! I highly recommend to anybody

Your videos are so helpful for improving relationships! Your ideas helped me support a friend who I believe is a 3 this morning; he achieves a lot, and he responded really well when I used your advice for loving 3's, anyway. Thank you !!

Oh this is spot on! Thank you so much! It seems a bit narcissistic but I’m definitely going to share this with people :).

The Fives I have known are all some of the most competent, thorough and fair people I have known. And that's coming from a perfectionist One who doesn't throw compliments like that around on a dime. It breaks my heart and boggles my mind to think that inadequacy or incompetency is their fear. However, I will indeed take it under advisement to have that awareness and be sensitive to that possibility with Fives.

My girlfriend is a 5 and I'm a 3. Whewwww, I cannot begin to describe the hope I feel for our relationship after learning this small part of how my partner thinks/feels. THANK YOU!!!

100% thanks

I'm a 4w5 and I can agree with the needs thing. My bf is a 5 hence why I'm watching this.. But I just watched the video for how to love a 4 and wow. I felt v seen. Thank you for sharing!!

I am in love with my 5, and this is excellent information on how to talk / deal with him coming from a 2 ❤️❤️

You are very informative. I’m a four and I’m learning how a 5 can feel close without drowning in 4 emotion . Thanks

I am a 5. I can relate with what you said but I can share my feelings and my life with (a few) people that I trust and love. And I enjoy social events. I am a social five, maybe that is why I am a little different. But I think that the worst problem of 5s is that many people do not believe in our love because we are independent and we need time alone. It is difficult to find someone who accepts this.

This is very accurate for me, a 5w4. I'll probably even send this to my SO! Its hard for them to understand I need time alone.

Good info.!

This is soooo helpful as I parent my teen daughter who is a five!!!! Thank you!

I absolutely love your videos and I love the enneagram. I'm a type 4 married to a type 5 and you saying we might encounter some turbulence being in different triads made me laugh! Somehow we must balance eachother 🤔 I wish I had seen this video when I met my husband 14 years ago 😂😂 Look forward to more content 🤗😘

5w6...Context is key. I don’t like text messages and emails because I can’t hear the person saying what they are saying. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll text and email in a second and avoid phone calls like the plague but I agonize over a text or email from someone wondering if they are being sincere or sarcastic. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Also, I see clothes as costumes or armor. I need to know that I’m wearing the right clothes for the situation. Joining hippy friends for a concert? Throw on my hippy dress. Doing something with my teacher friends? Throw on a teacher tee. It used to drive my roommate crazy when I would ask what costume I needed for the situation. But it helps with anxiety and keeping my energy level up in a situation I may not want to be in, in the first place because I’d rather be at home in a bubble bath reading a book.

This made me cry and I'm not wholly comfortable with that. But I'm working on it. Thank you.

Took a test one yourennegram coach where I scored like 94% as a 5, but ultimately got 9 due to a few answers at the end... this makes so much sense 😅😅

I love the fourth tip. I am a five and would love if my brother would have more interest in what I like

this was so helpful. thank you, ` a 7 married to a 5!!!

omg, i wish i had watched this video like three years ago. makes so much sense now 😂

Thanks for sharing this. This video really helped me to understand myself better - I think you may have mentioned something about that being a goal of yours early on ;-) My favorite point was #1 We hoard energy like a dragon hoards treasure. So true! My office is even in a corner of the basement where I really can isolate, and my wife and I even call it my dungeon. So funny how this truth played out in me personally.

This was so great! I’m dating a 5 and this is so helpful. Thanks!

I'm a 5 dating a 9. He's great and does most, if not all, of these tips. It works out because I'm comfortable talking freely with him and in return, I do my best to help him anyway I can.

Type 4 and Type 5 are somewhat opposites. Type 4s are pure Feeling types and Type 5s are pure Thinking types.

Thank youuuuu!!!!!!!!😍

Just discovered that my best friend is a type five and let's just say I am in the feeling triad. I hate it when she does into solitude. Now I know why ☺️

OMG. I'm a 5 and married to some variation of a 2! I'm saving this video! It's perfect and my hubby needs a lot of reminders. LOL

I'm quite certain my friend is a 5. But, he is able to ask for help--then often retracts the request. And he actually talks A LOT about himself; his childhood trauma & failed relationships. Besides those exceptions, his behavior seems pretty consistent with what I've listened to/read about 5s.

this was sooo helpful. he is a five and yalllll i promise this makes suchhhh a diffrence, i understand so much better. the struggle is real (imma two)

I’m a 5 and I was shocked how accurate the test was. Most of it I already knew about myself but to read about yourself was something else entirely. The crapy part is I hate myself for being that/this way, which then furthers my reclusiveness.

Thanks Abbey for the wonderful tips,my husband is a type 5 and I am a type 7,not an easy job for me,right. Thank you very much!!!

I'd add this: If you have a complaint, don't wait for the person to pick it up themselves or project/assume any particular motivations, but tell them directly what bothers you and also why - Not everyone picks up social cues or indirect communication as easily. If you make the problem clear, there's a good chance they will apologize & make changes or look for a mutually satisfactory solution. Not saying it/ expecting them to catch on on their own usually leads to you blowing up "out of nowhere" (from their pov) and there will be an argument or they'll be nervous about doing something wrong/making you mad again. (I guess this is in part a subset of the clear expectations) Ie, say something like "please wear houseshoes because the crumbs on the bed bother me" (giving the reason) or "We haven't done a lot of couple stuff recently, I want more regular activities together" rather than assume they're mad at you/ignoring you

Thank you for this! My oldest son is a 5 I believe and my husband is a 6 with wing 5. I wish I had gotten into the Enneagram earlier in my life!

Thumbs up if you love Abbey ❤️🥰

So true!!!! Thanks from a 5 :)

I’m a four married to a 5 (who is a med student) and I wish I had known the enneagram sooner. I feel like so much misunderstanding and missed expectations have caused a huge rift in our relationship. I hope I can improve and learn how to care for him and recognize that there are certain levels of intimacy that I want that just won’t be available in our relationship.

HI Abbey! I'd love to see "5:s in relationships". Thanks!

Abbey Howe, in June there is a Enneagram In Love book that is coming out. Will you be doing that one too! I would enjoyed that! Especially since I’m a 5 and my fiancé is a 2. This is my first time today watching you and I might have binged watched 🧐🤨.... doing research (my “5” self 😂☺️). I subscribed too!!!!