WARNING: Your Best Friend Will Poach Your Partner!

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Mate poaching is mating strategy in societies or periods when there is gender imbalance or asymmetrical eligibility criteria in mate selection (“hypergamy”).
Examples: active flirting and courting, sexting and camming (cybersex), trying to stop the couple from spending time together, and pointing out negative qualities of the romantic rival.
References
Davies, A. P., & Shackelford, T. K. (2017). Don't you wish your partner was hot like me?: The effectiveness of mate poaching across relationship types considering the relative mate-values of the poacher and the partner of the poached. Personality and Individual Differences, 106, 32-35.
Lemay Jr, E. P., & Wolf, N. R. (2016). Human mate poaching tactics are effective: Evidence from a dyadic prospective study on opposite-sex “friendships”. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 374-380.
Schmitt, D. P., & Buss, D. M. (2001). Human mate poaching: Tactics and temptations for infiltrating existing mateships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 894-917.
Belu CF, O'Sullivan LF. Once a Poacher Always a Poacher? Mate Poaching History and its Association with Relationship Quality. J Sex Res. 2020 May;57(4):508-521. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2019.1610150. Epub 2019 May 20. PMID: 31106590.
Davies, A. P. C., Shackelford, T. K., & Hass, G. R. (2007) ‘When a “poach” is not a poach: Re-defining human mate poaching and re-estimating its frequency’ Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 702-716.
Mogilski, J. K. & Wade, T. J. (2023) ‘Friendship as a Relationship Infiltration Tactic during Human Mate Poaching’ Evolutionary Psychology, 11 (4), 926-943.
Schmitt, D. P., International Sexuality Description Project (2004) ‘Patterns and Universals of Mate Poaching Across 53 Nations: The Effects of Sex, Culture, and Personality on Romantically Attracting Another Person's Partner.’ Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(4), 560-584.
Schmitt, D. P., & Shackelford, T. K. (2003) ‘Nifty ways to leave your lover: The tactics people use to entice and disguise the process of human mate poaching’ Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 1018-1035.
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10 ноя 2022

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Комментарии : 94

@phinton314 Год назад

People who live into their integrity do not seek attention when that attention will cause suffering to others. The lesson here is to be a person of integrity and to bring people of integrity into your tribe.

@velvetpixiecake5310 Год назад

YES!!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤍 This Folks!!!!

@krishnamayimarianni8026 Год назад

Paula@ integrity is everything. Being aligned to your conscience the result will be inner peace where their is no need to gain others attention.

@otomicans6580 Год назад

Hanging out with "friends" that would constantly peacock for my girlfriend in our twenties was a humiliating experience. I think the worst part of it was that when I'd be frustrated about being ignored and pushed aside, the girlfriend at the time would tell me I was being insecure. It was an unhealthy time for me and things got way better as I focused more on self-improvement and less on "friends" (after I was inevitably poached).

@bec472 Год назад

Sorry, am I the only person on the planet who has never cheated or wanted to cheat with somebody’s partner? I’d say I’m relatively attractive as well. It comes down to values and how prepared you are to follow them.

@han1660 Год назад

I never have either and don’t want to. I’ve had the chance, but it’s a no from me.

@han1660 Год назад

@@trex511ft 😂

@blueVesper Год назад

No you are not Special .... we have 7 or 8 billion people ..... there is more people with value .....

@jose6183 Год назад

Women are usually the cheaters. Society portarys it the opposite way to gaslight men.

@angellenamay Год назад

This is coming from a narcissist who underestimates the power of some peoples empathy because he is not capable of understanding the feelings of empathy although he can psychoanalyze it objectively

@sonaboo Год назад

I didn’t want my own husband in the end so I definitely don’t want someone else’s. The only thing I’m poaching is eggs. Intimate relationships don’t feel worth the hassle.

@dauphinviennois Год назад

I would also add, if I may: As friends are similar in nature, their mate preferences are similar as well. And their advances are easier to reciprocate

@marciloni12 Год назад

Absolutely!

@samvaknin Год назад

Good point.

@johndenugent4185 Год назад

agree

@mapleleaf902 Год назад

I ceased contact with a gf of 20+ yrs. She knew the issue with my narc husband, then she sent a card and ltr to him. Now she sends text or a card to me saying, say Hi to him. You are right about poaching! Bad enough as it is and now this!

@boutrosnen6471 Год назад

My favorite quote from Prof Sam: "Look it up" 😂😂😂

@RabbitOverTheMoon Год назад

I was often poached by friends when I was in relationships, I never gave in, perhaps it was because I was never attracted but the one I was attracted to I declined and then it was hard to be out in our group of friends after that. I myself find it gross, almost on a par with incest to think of being with a friends partner, it doesn't appeal at all to me, I have never even tried, I don't even regard it as a possibility.

@antoherm9732 Год назад

I know, it’s so hard for me to understand the disgusting desires of this type of people.

@petralee574 Год назад

Your beginning will be your end. Especially, if it already happened in previous relationships … 3rd and 4th marriages .. if they start w/cheating or poaching or allowing themselves to be poached, this is how it will eventually end 😢

@igashijin Год назад

This literally happened to me. They kind of deserve each other though perfectly though, so it worked out. It will be cursed all the same. This is a very good lecture and quite insightful. Thank you, Sam.

@beautybyapril86 Год назад

How you get them is how you lose them

@lovebiscuits1880 Год назад

I totally 👍 agree

@chotasingh7939 Год назад

Not necessarily

@yessimurillo4993 Год назад

Too general - you can’t lose someone they just go 😅

@meganjohnson1420 Год назад

I knew a girl growing up and this was her MOVE everyone in our friend group acted like I was a hater till it happened to them now she’s strung out on meth and I not saying she deserves that but I am saying gods timing is always right 😅

@mandylorian3204 Год назад

Thank you Professor Vaknin. I find your videos very educational. Sorry for your loss.

@taara90 Год назад

Thank you, Professor Vaknin.

@danaspielbusch4610 Год назад

My best friend IS MY PARTNER!!!

@sue8237 День назад

True. My best friend slept with my boyfriend the day she was introduced to him. And my sister slept with my boyfriend of 4 years right after being introduced to him. Prior to that, she broke up every relationship I ever had that she became aware of, in order to try to steal him from me. Both are total scumbags in my mind; I can't imagine doing this to a friend or sister. The friend apologized, though we were finished - I didn't accept her apology, and my sister never has even tried to apologize. That was the end of both men, too. I figured they deserved each other - they and my friend and my sister.

@chotasingh7939 Год назад

Today I found out that there is a thing called human poaching, before this i only knew about egg poaching in the kitchen and animal poaching in Africa and Asia. This one is an eye opener. Better be safe than sorry.

@ilenek.5428 Год назад

Ahahahaha! Yes! We r here to listen. Love it! Wonderful psychology!

@lynnlee4079 Год назад

Love your work! Love your comment pouch eggs!

@yessimurillo4993 Год назад

Sorry to hear about this news - your admiration toward her was palpable

@carrietimmons2637 Год назад

Professor Sam Vaknin, you are something like the truth.

@AgnesPerditaX Год назад

I am really sorry for your loss, Mr. Vaknin.

@runwiththewind3281 Год назад

Professor Vaknin thank you.

@genesissmith9078 Год назад

Professor Sam I just wanted to let you know that you're my guide ♥️ I want to say hi from Mexico I listen to you every day !! You have help me understand alot of my personal problems and I'm not a psychologist but now I have so much interest in understanding my border line issues . I want to take the opportunity to make a request about child sexual abuse and compulsive masturbation and why fantasies or arousal when thinking about it ? Thank you for your time and wisdom you're the father that I dont have.... I wish !!

@karlaj.4056 Год назад

Hey, I listen to Prof Vaknin from Mexico too! Regards

@DMexa Год назад

Vaknin stop being so cool please

@411w44 Год назад

No wonder I'm a hermit

@CanisLupusSteparium Год назад

It sounds like a losing proposition for the partners. What options are there for the partners when their significant other is interacting regularly with a more desirable person? Acceptance? Resignation? Aggressive/controlling mate guarding? Relationship termination and subsequent relationship avoidance? I struggle to identify a healthy pathway for individuals who want to be in committed relationships with partners that honor their commitment (especially in this day and age!).

@CanisLupusSteparium Год назад

@@joshuaicoqnito4445 Fine. Let's play a fictional scenario. Let's have X person, who goes out and finds Y person who is someone exactly as you prescribed. They manage to build a deep connection and form a reasonably healthy relationship. Time passes and Y gets a job promotion, which involves working overtime and occasional out-of-town travel. During that time Y gets to spend a considerable amount of time with coworker Z. It turns out Y and Z have plenty of things in common, and Y finds Z exciting and physically more appealing than X. Meanwhile, familiarity breeds contempt, and X and Y have achieved domestic stasis. This is not a rare scenario, it's quite common in fact. My original point is, given human irrationality (especially when it comes to sex and relationships), what healthy options are there for X to deal with an out-of-their-control situation such as Y's (and Z's) behaviour? (The key phrase here is 'out-of-their-control') For the sake of argument, let's assume that neither X nor Y are saints, nor perfectly rational individuals. If you don't know anything else about X, Y or Z, would you still prescribe the same kind of advice to X?

@queenofthebutterflies5212 Год назад

Give up!!! I have!!! LoL, I've been single for 8 yrs. I'm a bit lonely but no longer neurotic!! I was a neurotic headcase when with men. So, I was grateful for their seed and moved on with my bub and pets! Best of luck.

@CanisLupusSteparium Год назад

@@joshuaicoqnito4445 That’s a beautiful reply, and I’m sure in theory it would work for rational individuals who are in control of their actions, emotions and thought processes. In practice, I seriously doubt it would work for individuals who don’t fit that description (i.e. the vast majority of human beings). Especially those who use smartphones and social media, and who are exposed to the mores and social pressures influenced by modern culture.

@matchalatte4101 Год назад

definitely boundaries + assertive communication. ask that your partner respect your wishes that you do not appreciate them contacting a friend of the opposite sex on the regular basis. if they love you they would respect you. if not, you're not compatible and dont have similar core values. then you may consider terminating the relationship. you dont need to avoid future relationships but you do need to make informed choices through observation, asking questions, making people reveal & unfold themselves. in short, give it time and they will show you who they are.

@marilia0806 Год назад

I'm sorry about your friend's passing. My condolences.

@rg7122 Год назад

This is why a lot of people actually prefer to date down😅

@411w44 Год назад

No way! me with a friend's husband And, yet that is what so called friends were projecting on me and accusing me of.

@Autism...A-Moment-of-Bliss Год назад

Would you please make a video on the new 'enemies with benefits' trend. What is going on with this trend? I've seen it with the younger generation and they post it on their accounts.

@tdesq.2463 9 месяцев назад

Never heard of that. Sounds interesting.

@ExtremeSurvivor_1 Год назад

My Covert Narcissist husband screwed my SO CALLED "best friend" in our house while I was here asleep then a second time in our van while it was here in our driveway and I was inside asleep. SO SICK, BOTH OF THEM

@madelainburgoyne5968 Год назад

I’m sorry about your friend Sam.

@williamwoody7511 8 месяцев назад

My ex Borderline was poached by her “Just a Friend” ..been together 7 months..

@user-bv8qv7jb8h Год назад

Sam, is there any way of safely presenting our life partners to friends and family while safeguarding against poaching? Is the answer to just never introduce our partners to friends, or only to those inferior to us?

@samvaknin Год назад

Never introduce to friends if you aspire to zero risk.

@theblendedborderline Год назад

I would leave before I would cheat. 💯. I never thought I would poach a friend's mate until I did it last year! Took me 41 years to price you right tho 🙄😬

@411w44 Год назад

so, it's all about competition ? Survival of the fittest ? Based on only what?

@lauragm239 Год назад

Fuck, this blows my mind 🥹😂😅

@krishely5955 Год назад

Damn it if only I had a best friend 🤣🤣🤣

@FoundSheep-AN 6 месяцев назад

What about befriending a girl so she is a new friend let’s say we hang out in groups for a couple years, and you find out one of her situationship is actually the ex of her girl best friend. She also said while the guy was still together with her best friend, she noticed he was interested in her as well. Then he broke up with the girl and they now have a situationship Would you go on being friends with her?

@fingerfret8645 Год назад

10th Commandment. To sum up the vid... Looking for the bigger better deal. Let's Make a Deal... Door #1, door #2 or door #3. 😀😀

@velvetpixiecake5310 Год назад

👌😂😭 Sounds about right.

@411w44 Год назад

Where is the love?

@satlva2908 Год назад

Sex and love aren't the same thing.

@411w44 Год назад

👍🙂😘🎄🎄🎄🎄❤😇🙃🐸🌹🌹🦒🦓💙

@TuerlingsTim 11 месяцев назад

Even my brothers did this😏

@sundown2221 3 месяца назад

True

@Rute_D.C_Cunha Год назад

Poached eggs on Toast yummy

@elisa9359 Год назад

I have been brought up with faliling role models...maybe casual sex and open relationships are much better for us and work out in the end better than the values I have been brought up with...unfortunately for me it is too late to change...I suffer too much when he is cheating on me....and knowing if i loved him truly I should let him do what makes him happy, right ?....it saddens me...feel so wrong in this world

@cherylkimberly4297 Год назад

Hi Sam I know sum1 works for air Canada!

@samvaknin Год назад

Thank you. Please contact me at samvaknin@gmail.com

@Owlyuhu 10 месяцев назад

My condoleances

@ambermartinez7913 11 месяцев назад

This🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

@Owlyuhu 10 месяцев назад

24:50 lol

@queenofthebutterflies5212 Год назад

You HAVE to have close friends who are less attractive than you!!!! It's so true! 100%.

@angelika87 Год назад

if you're a woman that won't work... men cheat with women less attractive than their partners all the time...

@queenofthebutterflies5212 Год назад

@@angelika87 I just found that out.... and it happened to me yrs ago!! LoL! The bastard! Some guys will put their ding dongs in anything 🙄

@jamilathomas6199 4 месяца назад

It happened to me. Everyone that I told couldnt believe it because my so called friend is nowhere near attractive. She was just available when I wasn't.

@Rockalaya Год назад

Ha guyettes lol

@bbfreetube Год назад

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." Song from long ago

@No-xs1no Год назад

Or an ugly guy, I guess.

@bbfreetube Год назад

@@No-xs1no of course

@kodeh7931 2 месяца назад

No, no, no. Not an ugly woman. A strong 7/10 as opposed to a 9/10. Marry the 7 and have the 9 as your mistress.

@erinvanderheyden1256 Год назад

1. Is poaching more successful when the partner (of the poachee) is jealous? Or uninterested? Hmmmm..... 2. I think there might be women in the comment section trying to poach Sam.

@VeronicaS-kj8sf 5 месяцев назад

Well, watching them melt away within 48 hours felt so good, and yes, I used what I mentioned the other day. It actually took a bit more to make them totally disappear, I just go’ogled Melissa Thanderski and the pain unexpectedly disappeared so quickly.

@kodeh7931 2 месяца назад

Huh? 😮