What NOT to say to widows or widowers | Widowhood and Life After Loss 

I'm a widower and I think this should have to be watched by the entire world thank you so much for putting this out there

My heart goes out to everyone that lost their spouse ❤

So much truth! I 100% agree with your every single word. Widow life is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank you for making me feel less alone.

Well said! I became a widow almost 3 years ago and was married almost 57 years. If you have never lost a spouse you truly do not know just what we go through. Your video is spot on!

I lost my beautiful angel two months ago. I cry every day. Widowers feel the same way. Thank you.

A well meaning friend came to the hospital the night my husband passed away and said God has another angel. I didn’t need him to be an angel. I needed him here with me.

Thank you so much for your supportive videos! OMG! You are right on!!! Been a widow for 2 years now. One of my main pet peeves is hearing people say that they “know” I’m lonely! I’m still living here alone because I want to! My husband was terminally ill and now I just enjoy the peace and quiet at home, reading, crocheting, prayer and meditation. Alone and lonely are two different things! Love to all my sister widows out there!!!! ❤️🙏🏻😊

The absolute worst for me was when a friend told me “It’s probably for the best.” So my husbands death was the best thing that could happen? However an eight year old neighbor child just sat and cried with me and gave me a huge hug. Guess who I respected more?

I agree with everything you said !!! Lost my husband of 25 years to brain cancer after a 15 month battle in July 2018. I also found love again and I am engaged to a man who lost his wife of 28 years in 2017. We both have much love for them and talk about them often. They will always be in our hearts.😊

Your suggestion are wonderful! I’ve been a widow for years, I’d like to add, don’t exclude us, we don’t want your husband😆

Totally agree with what you said. I became a widow at the age of 24 in 1980 with 2 toddlers. My husband died unexpectedly so no time to prepare. Death was new to me so I had on the job training. Everyone came around until the funeral was over and then I was treated like a leper. Married people were afraid I would take their spouse, Single people were afraid of me because people don't like "death" or dealing with someone who has lost their mate because they don't know what to say or do. Didn't fit in with the old people who lost their spouse because I had little ones and they were beyond all that. People would say, "If you need anything let me know." I did and couldn't get their help when needed. So for me, I felt abandon by my church family, my own family, and so I learned to deal with things on my own. Regarding my feelings, people didn't want to know probably because they didn't want to deal with it. People really have no idea unless they have lost a spouse. Death is hard to deal with, I get it. Compassion should be in all our hearts. I have also been divorced from my second husband,. Total silence from everyone I know. So I carry on. I thank God that He has been with me thru all of my life. Wouldn't have made it otherwise. I am so glad you have Jesus to lean on, and a new husband that has been thru the same thing. Understanding goes a long way in dealing with grief. God bless you and your family.

I love the down to earth advice! I lost my wife of 28 years about 3 years ago. I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve said. Thank you for sharing and I hear your pain. May God bless you and keep you and hold you in his hands.

God bless you, I lost my wife coming up on 2 years and struggle every day, your so right about nobody being around after the funeral, I’m glad I found this video, thank you, stay strong!

YES ! all these things are so true! I lost my husband 6 months ago and NO ONE knows what we go through unless you have been in our shoes. Thank you for your honesty!!

The one thing I would add is, “Do not compare being a widow to being a divorcée!” My sister constantly did this. Her ex was an abusive husband. It was a good thing in her life to get away from her ex-husband. She couldn’t stand her ex in the end. My husband was a very loving partner who died suddenly and unexpectedly after 25 years of being quite happily married. He was only 52. In addition to missing the feel of his hugs, the comforting feel of a man’s strong arms around me, I missed so much being able to talk to him. He was the smartest man I knew. Every time my sister would act like she understood what I was going through, I would always think, “You could pick up the phone any time and talk to your ex; hear his voice. I never can hear my husband’s voice again!”

Bless you for making this video. I just lost my husband of 24 years, on April 24th. He'd been diagnosed with colon cancer in October, and he refused to even see an oncologist. He'd said after seeing what his dad went through with stomach cancer and chemo, and his mother with breast cancer and chemo, that he just wanted his life to run its course naturally. I was enraged at that. I spent, or in hindsight, wasted.. weeks nagging at him, begging and pleading with him to go if I make an appointment. He wouldn't budge. I was his caretaker the whole six months. I watched him go from well over 200lbs to 90lbs. I am all over the place emotionally now. One minute the grief seems like it will never lift, and I find myself sitting on the side of the bed, smelling his pillow and crying till my head throbs. Other times I scream at him, and God. Other times, I feel a tiny bit of relief at not having to get up 2-3 times a night to change and wash bed linens because his ostomy bag leaked, yet again, because there were no smaller sizes for his shrinking frame. Then of course comes the guilt that eats away at me. So, thank you for making this video. I am so very grateful.

I lost my wife Terry almost 13 months ago. It is so extremely difficult. Thank you so much. True, heartfelt honesty.

I'm a widow writing under my husband's name. I lost him three months ago to covid. It's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. If anyone ever judges me for the how I'm handling my grief, I will tell them to walk a mile in my shoes first. Until you go through this, there's no way to understand what it's like.

Thank you for this. I am 70 and lots of my girlfriends are becoming widows, so you have helped me understand in some way how they feel. It is a real journey. The other person is always with you. I am just starting to date a widower who was married 44 years so he will carry her with him all the time, and I am fine with that.

I just came across your video. I am so very sorry for your loss. You gave very powerful information in this video for all of us that maybe a friend to someone who has lost a loved one. I worked with hospice and in medical field and I saw the heartache and the friends that after the funeral stayed a way and so many other things that you shared in this video. Grief has no time frame, our lives are changed forever when a loved one dies. Thank you for doing this video.

Being a widow is hard even for those of us older. Thank you for giving people ideas on how to make it a little easier. A little thought and kindness go a long way! Next time I hear about someone comparing their dog dying to having a spouse die............ It happens and even worse. Just think next time. We have all said stupid things but we can do better.

If you cry all the time, people comment “wow, she’s a mess”; if you smile or laugh in public, they say “she is doing good, she’s really moving on”. I discovered that no matter what I did, people were talking- they did not see me in my private moments. Basically, a widow is living everyone’s biggest fear of losing their mate, so people are just watching constantly..... they say stupid stuff, they avoid you, they hover over you.....so much weird stuff- I found those who said “I’m praying for you” was the thing that did not offend me

This video is wonderful. I lost my sweet wife exactly 3 months ago to ovarian cancer. I am a deacon in the Catholic Church and so I cannot remarry (not that I'd want to), but I, too, sometimes feel judged and what you've said makes so much sense. Thank you for letting me know there are many of us out there and we are not alone. Praise God for your ministry!

Everything you said was so true. My husband was killed in an accident so very unexpected. This was 17 months ago. After living with him for 35 years I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to date but when I went out for coffee with someone all I could think about was my husband. When I got home I cried for about 2 hours. I would add that a family member told me that I just needed "to get over it" only a few weeks after my husband's death. Also when I went to move having family try to tell me what I could and could not keep. That's my decision. Maybe I will keep some things forever and some I will probably let go of eventually. Either way, that is my decision.

Recent widower Dad here, you are spot on!

Wooo Hooooo, I agree with you 10000 percent!!!!! Everything you said is totally true. I hate the judging, haven't you moved on by now and God puts no more on you than you can bare, yes He does so you can rely on him for help. #We still love them!!!! # Love don't die!!!! You are so right about the Lord too, I know I wouldn't have made it this far without Him

Just found your video. Your experience is relatable. Six months past and no one visits, calls, texts let alone offer help. Still receiving grief counseling, triggered, shaking and overwhelmed.

The biggest act of love I ever experienced was when my dying spouse told me to find someone but make sure she liked animals. My haste into filling that hole of dispair led me into a relationship, from a grief group encounter, with a discerned borderline. It delayed a proper timeline of grieving & complicated it with adding the added mental anguish of a disordered person. Peace & love to you, new family, & thanks for getting this message out.

You are amazing!! Thank you for starting these thoughts so clearly! These thoughts are spot on for parents who have lost children too. You are so spot on!! Thank you. 😢i am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches with you.

You’re an amazing person. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m a recent widower. I understand everything you’re going through and I can’t thank you enough for sharing.

Comment I hate.... “You are doing so well!”. Actually, you don’t know how I am doing! Middle of the night, random times during the day... you know I am doing ok (not good), sometimes. But, you don’t know when I am not, because I usually hide it.

I love this video...it is hard to know what to know or say, but I love the cleaning service idea especially. You are such a beautiful example of Christ's love. Thanks for this heartfelt message to all of us! Lots of love and prayers to you, Cody and all the kids. The kids are so lucky to have you sweetie ❤️

My wife passed away last month. We were married for 42 years. I watched several of your videos yesterday and have found them very helpful in dealing with my grief. Thank you.

Kamille You have voiced the thoughts and feelings of so many of us who have lost our spouses. Unlike you I am not young. I was married to the most beautiful, wonderful woman for 30 years until she lost her battle with metastatic breast cancer 5 months ago. I watched her go through hell for 2 years and was at her side when the ventilator tube was removed. I will not describe that horrific scene but it shook me to the core. I was holding her hand several hours later when she went to heaven. I have no good days…only bad days and days that aren’t “too bad”. Luckily I have 3 adult children who have been a wonderful support to me even as they deal with their own grief. I have not had anyone say any insensitive or foolish remarks to me so in that I have been blessed. I turned 61 six days after she passed away but I felt 91. Over the months that followed things are slowly getting a little better and it truly is one day at a time. One last thing. Although I don’t have a desire to date…I found my that my wedding ring (which I always loved to wear) had become a constant reminder, not of our long and beautiful marriage, but of all (and who) I had lost. It sits now in a drawer. God bless you and your family ❤️

What a sweetheart this beautiful girl is. You have to walk in somebody else’s shoes to really know how they feel.

As a recent widower, I can understand just how hard it was for you to make this video. Very glad you have chosen to honor your late husband by choosing to be happy and love another person. That is exactly what my late wife told me to do. Thank you for having the courage and strength to make and share this video.

My husband of 50yrs. had passed away. Two weeks later my friend stopped by. I was doing what I did every day, crying. She looked at me and said “aren't you over him yet, he's gone and he's never coming back”. Yep, that's what she said. People don't understand and won't, not until they lose their spouse. If you want to do anything for a friend, sit beside them, call them and let them cry. You don't even need to say a word.

Good points. I'm a 42 year old widower with Multiple Sclerosis. I list my wife about 8 months ago. I've noticed being a widower and having MS have a lot of parallels. People don't know what to say in either case.

OMG this hits the nail on the head! I need to make a video with some of the comments that have been made to me since I lost my husband last year. The Widows club is one that only we can understand and relate to. Its the worst rollercoaster ride imaginable!

I lost the love of my life,dad to our twin boys and he was my pastor....I'm in pieces....my heart aches..we married when I was 16 he was 17 God blessed us with our boys when I was 22 he was 24...married for 35 and half years.....he went home to be with our Lord December 6th 2018...this is so hard and yes everyone moves on and we get left behind...our church family is heart broke. Remember Faith Baptist church....It's hard going from a Pastors wife to not is so hard....he was LOVE OF MY LIFE.....GOD will see me through but I cry everyday.....I miss him so bad and so many emotions..pray for me and my boys....so hard .....he was only 53 years old.....thought we would grow old together..my heart will always belong to my true LOVE....

Thank you for presenting this topic. I lost my husband to cancer in 11-17-2017. I was diagnosed two weeks before he died with colon cancer but I am two years cancer free. I lost my mother unexpectedly the next year, and my sister this last October unexpectedly. I am trying to figure out life right now. I will keep you in my prayers from Mississippi

I just say thank you! You have helped me in so many ways. The dark cloud that has been hovering over me is starting to lift after 6 months. I miss my Husband and talking to and about him, remembering the many good memories we made together, and asking God to help move foward and cope with grief I feel is what I do. God has always been good to me. I trust Him with all my heart. Praying for you and all the widows and widowers and myself.

Good video, thank you. Please don’t tell a widow/widower, “I know how you feel because my grandmother/cousin/dog died.” And people do forget after a while. I’m never called anymore.

My beloved wife of 25 years passed away 3 & 1/2 years ago after a long battle with Type 2 Diabetes. I agree with your comment about home cleaning services. I have been operating professionally for over 20 years and donate my services to help my friends with grief, loss and illness. I admire your spirit. My wife told me to date also but I find it difficult to do. Few people truly understand this side of grief that the spouse who is left behind deals with. Thank you for your sharing. Shalom

You are so precious! Thank you for sharing. 🙏💕

Excellent points. Well done. All the best for the future.

A lot of what you have talked about rings so true for me as a relatively new widow. So, Thank you Sweetheart & just know I give you my deepest sympathy for your loss. God Bless🙏❤️

You have been A-MAZ-ing! Widowhood is way harder than anyone ever imagines. The reality is nothing like the imagining. I have been a widow for 18months. My husband died after a six year battle with prostate cancer. You can say all you want about what you would do if it happens to you but until you’ve been there you just don’t know. So I agree that unless you are a widow it’s best to keep your mouth shut and do all the loving, kind, and helpful things you can think of. Widows don’t have energy to reach out, they need you to care enough to reach in. My heart aches for you and your new husband and your kids. Whatever happiness you find together does not diminish the love and heart ache you will always feel for your lost spouses. Nothing will replace them but God has added to your lives this new marriage and family I wish you all the best and Gods continued blessing and help as you struggle on through this widow journey.

God bless you . I’ve just become a widower and videos like your help so much because only other widows will ever understand what battles are raging in our minds . Thankyou again

Thank you.❤. I lost my husband just 2 months and 3 days ago and so much of what you said just ... touched me. I am sitting here and empathize so much, especially when you were crying. I started crying right along with you because I feel the same pain. Jesus has helped me too, especially when I am feeling the most worst pain and I cry out to Him. I started calming down and feeling safer and more at peace. And the pain really does lessen. May Our Heavenly Father bless us both. I am glad that you have been able to also find some joy even though you still miss your first husband.

I found this today, recent widow. Spouse had emergency surgery in Dec 2019, given 6 months to live and got the news on New Year's eve. Made it to March 2020, he also had early stage dementia. I am so lost, watched your videos. Thank you!

Thanking you for telling us what not do and what to do. It was very helpful and I hope everyone will embrace your suggestions.

Thanks for posting. People that haven't been through this don't really understand what we are going through.

More times than not, a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' will go so much farther than anything else.

Oh sweet friend, your love for Clint (and the kids and Cody) is apparent in everything you say and do. 💕💕💕

Dear Heart; this video is two years old, but I feel your sincerity in this video. Thank you for the suggestions. The heart is deep and wide and rich, and your tears are nuggets of gold from the heart. I love your prayer at the end. May God continue to bless and keep you and your grand family.

Thank you for sharing!! I love your advise and will use it.

The day after my husband's memorial service at our church I sat on a bench that I always sat on and people came by and said a lot of those cliches but the one thing that helped me the most was when my pastor's wife walked up to me and just hug me and said nothing. The hug said everything. I learned through my experience at the beginning to tell people I was sorry for their loss. After my husband's passing I had a journal that I wrote in everyday my thoughts my emotions and even writing to him. From then on everybody I knew that lost someone I bought them a journal and just gave it to them if they felt like they needed to write something. I had several people to tell me that was better than flowers. I think people apps that give you the Bible cliches are just really trying to help so I take it as that and on down the road when I've been down my journey further I remember what they said and receive it then.

I am a widower. I'm seeing this video is four years old. I wanted to send positive energy now hoping you are in a place of acceptance. I can't imagine all the comments you got. I understand some of the comments but only admit to only a few. I am so sorry they did that to you. After four years I'm hoping you are happy. Positive thoughts to you and positive emotions. I understand only to a limit. The rest of the pain is yours and you have my empathy. Bless you.

I lost my husband a week and a half ago. We were together 20 years. He was my rock. I am so lost now without him. I do hope this gets easier.

Before my husband passed away, we were invited to a lot of families for dinner and fun, after we're invited to only one home and these were all church families! Yes the Lord looked after me and my kids.

Every day i watch the road...saw her two times. She smiled but could not stay. The river is right outside every window. I watch every day for her return. Then we'll walk together to that river...i can see it everyday. This is her place...she just can't stay. One day she will meet me at this river. I cannot leave, without her. This is a beautiful place. Fourteen years is not forever. Wrote a song about it...

You will see him in heaven. I finally started telling people I hope that makes you feel better, because it does not help me at all. And the “I could never date” when they are happily married.

I hated when they say call me when your down..... I can’t cause I’m down....why can’t they call?

I'm 74. I've been a widow for 2 + years. I was in tears with you during this video. I've had counselling, joined and left grief groups. This is hands down the best conversation about grief I've listened to. Thank you. The word "loss", completely undoes me. I haven't lost my husband. He's not a handbag or a set of keys. He's dead and I know exactly where he is and where he's not. Blessings to you and your children, in every way.❤

I was married for 34 years and lost my husband 11 years ago...still miss him every day. He was my best friend who was so I'll for so long it was a relief when he passed. All I do is take it a day at a time. If I should find someone, then it is great and meant to be...if not, I will carry on by myself doing my best to be happy.

Oh wow so much of what you said is so true. So many friends just disappeared after my husband died. That was really painful and when I found a new partner people were so judgmental that I began to be afraid to tell people. What is misunderstood is that for some of us we have anticipatory grief. My husband was sick for 3 years and it wasn’t fun. It was a living nightmare. So I wanted to see the sun again and laugh and clean up the storm I went through with my daughter. I will always love and miss my husband but I know I’ll see him again and I can’t bring him back. I have to live again and make life beautiful for my daughter. So I have just gotten to the point that people’s opinions of me is their business not mine. And who cares, right?! There’s always more people to care for and love to give that will love us back for our strong spirit. My hats off to all the widows, carry on with your face in the sun!

I agree with every word she said in this video lost her since 2 years ago she left a very beautiful daughter behind thanks so much for this bless you ❤️

Wow - this was so helpful and I’m trying to help a friend and you got a Marine teared up. ❤

I absolutely Love this Woman's attitude. Very Special Person. I lost my Wife 10 Months ago - She was a Young Beautiful 44 Year Old - my Life has been Shattered.

Such a great video! It made me cry. My wife passed away just a month ago. I know she would want me to be happy. She told her friends to pray that I have a good life after she was gone. I will be ok.

As a widow of 2.6 years I get a lot of "I know...I lost my sister or mother or "insert" family member here! GRRRR It is NOT the same!!! I'm SICK of it! Did you vow and have dreams to spend the rest of your life daily with them? Did you sleep with them? They THINK they are relating but it only hurts more. I swear next time I'm going to ask them "so tell me all about your widowhood! How is it not waking up without your spouse in the same bed anymore?" Great video. I cried when you did. Triggers are almost daily for me. Thank you. So sorry for your loss.

Great video. I could not agree more. We all grieve at our own pace. I can be fine for a week and then suddenly find myself back at the bottom, lost in the "widower's fog".

I am 34 and lost my husband to COVID 3 months ago. I appreciate your videos so much.

Thank you. Interesting how we all cope with our sadness which comes everyday. For watching my wife die of cancer was just so hard and it's been nearly 7 weeks. But what I did take from this ....yes you're right. People don't stop inviting us to things. It makes me feel special.

Recent widow...so very gratefully appreciating what you shared.

Thank you for this.. much of what you said relates to widowers as well. Lost my wife just over 3 yrs ago . This video hit the nail on the head

I'm 29 and I lost the love of my life. We were together 9 years. I can't even wrap my brain around it.

You are brave and real and you are bringing healing to many with your vunerable honesty. Thank you.

Im a Widow ,i hate people when they tell me , You'll be OK it takes time. 😮 Or they will say... You're too sensitive.😔 You look young , you'll find someone. 😮 Im so lonely and sad and people are so cruel. Im never going to get married. Im 67 and men are so set in their ways, especially the divorced men are terrible, so i decided to just focus on myself. And i love to dance and hike and I'll do whatever i please. Im so sorry you lost your husband, I know what your going through, be good to yourself and love you and your children. Be kind to yourself too. God Bless you 🕊️❤️

My husband passed away over 6 months ago. I have refrained from chastising other people for what they say to me to express their sympathy. Even though I lost my husband, I have not lost my ability to have compassion and understanding towards others. When we say everyone grieves differently, we also have to acknowledge that everyone consoles differently and maybe we can just say "thank you", leave it at that and use our time and energy to rebuild our lives.

A close friend lost her husband of forty plus years, and the comment she told me that was said most often to her, and that would upset her, was, "l know how you feel!" No, you don't, your husband is still living! People do Care, but as much as we care, we Need to Think before we say something that could be more harmful than not. Thank you for educating everyone by taking the time to put your thoughts out, it's really needed. I'm sorry for your loss, l know that it is undying love that helps with this personal loss.

This video ripped my heart out. My wife of 42 years passed away last October. I have had all of these statements said to me. They mean well, but they can’t comprehend my loss.

I lost my husband 2/3/2021 it's so hard😭😭😭 my 💔reading Scripture to keep going..no one understands us unless u have gone thru it..bless u all..

I just found this video and I wanted to thank you I lost my husband in July 1 2023 😢 it's nice to know am not alone.❤

Hello I’m a widower that is coming up on my 1year of being by alone. I find myself tearing up every time that you get emotional b/c I can feel and understand your pain. I can’t agree more about being forgotten by friends b/c their life goes on as normal. All I know is this is not how it was supposed to be it sucks!!! Thanks for the video glad you found someone

You are so right on with every comment! It's a whole different world being a young widow. Stay strong, stay close to God. Prayers for your family.

I just found out that my Best friend from highschool, who's still is a best friend, lost her Husband today to a Heart attack. Her and I turned 40 this year. I have no words for how horrible I feel for her. This was very helpful. Thank you and God bless your heart ❤️

So nice to hear someone discuss this issue who knows how it really feels.

3 months since my precious husband left this world. He left behind 3 boys under 6. I'm so glad I found your page.

Excellent video. Just lost my wife six month ago after decades of battling an unknown disease. All that you say is right on the money when it comes to widowhood and God. Thanks for making this video.

A year and half has passed since my wife died. Thank-you for your post about this. I know the feelings and I cry with you.

I hate the term Widow . I’m basically the same person as before my husband passed. My life will never be the same without him but I’m still me . Judgement is just what you need when your life has changed forever. Thanks for posting

This is my first time to see you! You are right on sister!!! I have been widowed for 8 months now and everyday can be a struggle. Married for 53 years. I just about come unglued when someone tells me to take a day at a time!!!! How in the crap can you take more than one day at a time! I would take 5 or 6 at a time and get out of here!! Thank you for all your encouragement.

I have a friend whose sisters both lost their husbands and they cannot move on. She told me last week that they are both devastated and absolutely cannot get over it. I’m not sure about the second one but the first sister literally lost her husband a week before my friends wedding. That was in 2007. It’s terribly sad that they cannot quit grieving but I cannot say that they should. That’s their life like you said

I love this, thank you for posting what not to SAY!! Thank you!! My husband died Oct.2nd 2021 after 21 yrs of marriage. It is a struggle everyday to keep going. I swim and I am a country line dancer, these two activities keep me going along with other widows I meet at Griefshare classes. May God continue to bless you,

Thank you for sharing. I loved your video. I have made some of the mistakes you talked about. My wonderful wife passed a month ago from Cancer. I can relate to all the pain you are experiencing. I will always treasure my wife and we will be together again. Dating again will be an interesting challenge. Kamille Bauer, you are amazing! Look at you go! Thanks again.

I’m A Widow to my husband left me with 6children,thanks for this video really support me.I’m a widow,I’m an Orphan and I raise my children are Orphans,I don’t have any support who can support me I’m just struggling with my Children work hurt to see if my children can survive 😢😢😢😢you’re not lied it really hurts,I feel that pain too.😰😰😰😰sometimes I go through with anxiety for that lose control but what it support me is praying only🙏🙏😰😰😰😰.

This is a great video, I am a widow and I am facing lots of ridiculous issues . People just want to dictate how u should live and do things.

Thankyou,for this. i have met a widow and have fallen so in love with her. I am taking it slow. Im just being the best man i can be for her. I also know that the risk of being put on the shelf is high. The grieving process is tricky.