What works better than punishments for kids with ADHD - ADHD Dude - Ryan Wexelblatt 

Props for adhd dude going meta by keeping his video less than 3 minutes for the adhd dads and getting to the point really quick

My son (not diagnosed) does best when his punishment is physical activity. He runs a lap in our field or does a number or push-ups. Theres no yelling involved, he understands he needs to move his body and 9/10 he is happy and back to his sweet self after exerting some excess energy.

My parents shamed/punished me my whole childhood for being disorganized, "selfish," disobedient, etc instead of getting me help and now, I have anxiety and stress in regards to my perceived failings. I still have the same brain and the same traits, but now just harder on myself. And we have a family culture where you don't talk about things that are uncomfortable openly so I'd be further shamed if I mentioned this. Thank you for helping today's kids have a better chance of being healthy than the "tough love" boomers gave us.

My solution for my son's behavior was mostly lots of outdoor energetic play time and if he left his toys around I put the toys on time out until he did some chores needed around the house. The only video game we ever bought our son was the Wi. which kept him active and focused. As a teacher I understand that every child is unique, so my best advice is to get to know your child's strengths and aptitudes and use these to support their weaknesses. The goal for every parent should be to support your child's journey in becoming a functional, compassionate adult. Not easy but worth all our efforts. Be well.

Dude, you literally described me. I have ADHD and I grew up CONSTANTLY having people lecturing me. So I eventually just started to tune them out. Even to this day when someone tries to have "a talk" with me I just shut down mentally and don't listen. Its become a cooping mechanism from hearing it a million times growing up.

As an ADD adult, looking back over my childhood, for me the problem was that usually when I was in trouble, it was for not getting things done that the ADD made it difficult to do. Punishment was not only ineffective (if it were that simple, I would have just done it *before* I got punished!), but, more often than not, it was actively *counterproductive* (hard enough to do the thing when I'm feeling good about myself, even harder to do it when I'm miserable). But I like how you put it: it's not that there should be *no* punishments, it's that punishment should not be done for punishment's sake alone: it needs to actually be getting a better result.

My girlfriend has a son with ADHD, raised with no significant consequences for his actions or inaction. Now he’s 21 living in her basement, dirty clothes, dirty dishes and food in his room. He’s medicated but has to be constantly reminded to take them, has to be woke up by his mother and can barely function on his own. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever seen.

This is true facts👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. I have ADHD and it's NEVER worked for my mom to punish me. In fact it actually made me more cunning and clever. I was able to make it seem like I was compliant and good on the outside but I was really doing what I wanted when she wasn't there.

I stumbled into your video once I found that my Son have ADHD. I'm still processing everything and how to cope and behave as a parents to him. While watching I'm also rekindling how I behaved around him all of this time. I just want to say Thank you for opening my mind.

This is great advice. If your child is being disrespectful, advise him of his actions and as a “punishment” you can make him wipe down the kitchen table or something, and then praise him for THAT good behavior.

As a former kid with ADHD I can say that when my dad punished me for having bad grades it just made me feel more hopeless.

Ryan, you’re awesome for identifying what works for ADHD kids! When I worked with youth that were chemically dependent in an inpatient treatment facility and having to work with ADHD youth, I really tried working on seeing these kids for who they were and not their negative behaviors when they acted out. One of the things that I tried, was having them set up (ahead of time) their own consequences if they did something they shouldn’t be doing or being disrespectful. When they got to pick out their own (reasonable) consequences, it seemed that they had more of a mature response when they did something they weren’t supposed too instead of throwing a fit or getting mad at me or other staff. I believe it helped build more of a connection and it seemed that they learned how to be more accountable in taking responsibility for their actions. It wasn’t always a perfect solution for all kids, but for those that took it seriously, I think it gave them a chance to see that positive changes can happen. 💚🕊️

Ive been watching a lot of your videos since yesterday. THANK YOU and thank you for caring and having a passion to help people (kids and parents.. and ultimately society) with your experience and expertise 🙏👏💜

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a kid. I was born in the 90s, when I didn’t listen my parents had to get creative. Especially because getting my butt whooped just didn’t work. What they did as punishment was have me write “I will behave my self and listen” in a book. Depending on what I did, I would to write it out 250-1000x. Let me just say it was a kid with ADHD’s worst nightmare. Anything where I have to sit still or do something monotonous drives me up a wall. I started behaving myself real quick.

Honestly this goes for kids in general. Your goal as a parent should be to end up with a functional, mature, capable adult, not an obedient child, and the best way to do that is to teach responsibility. The only thing punishment teaches is to hide transgressions better.

Thank you! We’ll keep this in mind for the future, very helpful!

I am glad I saw this video! Eye opening. Thank you so much, really helpful.

This is great. Thank you. Good advice that seems well thought out and makes sense.

My 11 year old daughter seems to 'not care' about punishments too. This is really helpful. Thank you!

I just came across your videos and my 9 yr old is newly diagnosed. Extremely helpful. I've done positive parenting for years but your videos bring new insight and new approaches. Thank you

My daughter was not punishable. I learned to talk to her about the situation and listen. Letting her come to the realization of her actions being good or bad.

Being an ADHD ODD kid, learning takes longer & more attempts. There was nothing worse than trying to navigate a challange agian & failing - only to be shamed & arbitrarily disciplined too. It furthered my ODD because it erroded my trust in authority/teaching figures plus it just created more anxiety & depression. It was my first experience with the 'ADHD Tax'. I did need consequence, but they needed to be applicable to my learning needs, more introspective & celebrate what I did right. Many lessons were muddied because I was told it was wrong, not just part of it was, then I gave up. After all, if I fail either way, at least failing when I didnt try wouldn't hurt as much. Being carful not to fall into false dichotomy of only right or wrong with a balance of fare punishment was how I learned best. Finally found adults, teachers, leaders & management that did this with me has allowed me to thrive. Granted succeeding in life to spite people was a real motivator. ODD reverse uno card 😂

I just came upon this video today and it is so helpful! Ive recently been diagnosed at age 46 as ADHD, and within the last 3 months as ive learned about it, it has become quite clear that my 4 youngest kids are all ADHD. And my oldest son has informed me that he was diagnosed ADHD a couple years ago but kept it between he and his fiancée. This explains why standard punishment has never really worked for ANY of our kids! Time to step back and think outside the box.

Thank you so much for this video. Its hard to find good videos about parenting from a Dad perspective.

Thumbs up for keeping it short and still clear. 👍

Thank you

I’m a parent with ADHD. Diagnosed in 2022. So really, I still have my training wheels on. This is so helpful as I’ve been in a “rigid thinking” rut for far to long and am actively looking for alternatives. ❤ thank you!

Hmmm, “instead of punishing them, make them go out and do something nice for someone” I like that…

This video helped me understand alot. I'm going through it rough with my 8 year old

I’m 44 now I spent more time grounded than I did outside playing, the punishments were severe. And it’s true I become so desensitised to everything they could thrown at me, nothing worked 🤷‍♂️

THANK YOU.

Thankyou! You make sense.

Thank you so much! Even that tip about not saying "think before you act" really speaks to me. I'm the parent of an ADHD child and we actually haven't even gotten her diagnosed but because it runs in the family I see a lot of it in her...anyhow I've used that phrase a lot because she's honestly a genius so it's really hard for me to understand why she can't think through stuff before she does things to hurt others, etc. But thank you for helping me understand that better... I'm really interested to hear more😊

Yes!! Being accountable!!

I was in this position as a child. I told my parents that when they added more “time” to my groundings, it did nothing. When I told them this I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, rude, or rebellious. I was being honest. It all meant nothing to me at that time. I was just as frustrated as they were, and that's an awful position to be in as a kid.

I grew up in the 90's (class of 2000) and my mom was a teacher that had a firm understanding of ADD. I couldn't watch TV or play video games unless I wrote down my homework assignments and got the teacher for each class to initial it each and every day.

I like this idea. Thanks!

This was me. My parents tried so much - essays, privileges, rewards. For me it was so hard to lose things while my brothers got rewards so much more easily. I just got used to it - no computer, no library no video games. It sucked always being in trouble. It was normal, with the exception of easy things like not hurting your siblings

My son has ASD, and this took some getting used to. I realized early on that traditional discipline measures were not only ineffective, but counter productive.

I think this is great advice for every child. I honestly believe punishment is never the way. I believe showing and explaining what consequences of actions are, is much more fruitful. I am a teacher (9-12 year olds) and whenever possible, I sit down with the kid(s) that ignored the rules or did something „bad“ and try to first find out why the ignoring / situation happened. Then I walk them through the consequences of their action(s), meaning how others might be affected and so on. I also ask them how they felt during their action (and why) and how they feel /felt once they realized what they did was wrong (if they realize at that point). I discuss with them other ways they could (re)act, if a similar situation will come up. In the end, I want them to tell me in their own words if and what they learned, how they would react if they could rewind the time and what their take away from our talk is. Most of the time this works.

My little brother is 4 yrs old. His tantrums don’t last longer than 25 minutes but he’ll chase anyone around and try to hit them in the face or bite them where he can! My older brother literally has to hold him in place until he calms down. It usually happens from him not doing something he wants. My sister moved her desk chair, he wanted to us it but he was using another chair, when she redirected him back to his original chair he bit her and started this huge tantrum. He says sorry but starts it all over again. He also has a short attention span, and will go without eating or pee on himself just to continue watching RU-vid videos.

My son is 21 now and this is great advice!

--I have read and listened to much of your helpful information. It has been great. The part tho' where you recommend not providing discipline, etc but to give the child a choice - if you choose to do this and this you can choose to watch a video, etc....I'm glad that works for your family but not for ours. My guy looks at me and says "I'm not doing that", then takes the computer and leaves. IF I get it back from him I literally have to hold him down and take it. He is 6 1/2 and a rising 1st grader.

I just turned 41 and my wife and sister and I live with a close friend of ours who just turned 31. I and her both have ADHD. I had struggles until my sophomore year in college. School was never an issue, friendships were. Once I developed a sense of humor and stopped taking crap from the "college adolescents," I eventually graduated, found great employment in IT, and have been married for 13.5 years. I still talk a lot, but my sister says "at least your passion makes it interesting." My friend, on the other hand, uses her ADHD as an excuse for her poor health. She doesn't take care of herself well, hygiene wise, diet wise, or sleep wise. She eats way too much sodium, doesn't drink enough water, doesn't bathe. When we've confronted her, she gets so defensive, lives in denial, cries, and tries to rationalize her choices. I felt like I was looking at myself in high school. She wonders now why I barely want to even hang out with her now and treat her as just a roommate now rather than a friend. I've taught her everything I know about coping, adapting, developing habits, etc. And when I'd praise her, she would use is as a way to just do bad habits elsewhere. It's sad and scary that an adult can still be a child like this. I know the thought process is different for us ADHDers, but I'm not even medicated and stopped medicating when I hit college and I gradually evolved step by step, year by year. She hasn't and I seriously just think she needs to be medicated and seek therapy. She refuses, which is no surprise. I blame her mother for the way she raised her (I've met her several times and she is a demanding self-centered ignorant nutjob), but it's still no excuse for carrying on such a poor cone of ignorance. I encourage all parents out there, if you notice the common signs of disinterest, boredom, impulse, and short attention span, get on track and raise your child well and proper with good morals and standards. Don't let them become my roommate.

I need the whole video of this LORD!

That honestly should be the case for all kids. Parents need to put thought into every way they engage/don't engage their kids.

Im someone with relatively bad a.d.h.d but thanks to treatment its now at the mid level and only bad 30-50% of the time My mum did a lot of this

I was regularly disciplined physically (i..e, physically assaulted) because I "just never learned" to "do things the right way the first time." My parents still won't admit that what they did was wrong.

Wow, this is exactly correct. I never realized it. ... apparently, neither did my parents

Thanks for talking fast for us ADHD parents!🥳🥳 MUCH appreciated!

Punishment adverse, Lord have mercy. This is real

This sounds like good discipline advice for all kids😊

Thank you. I have been asking child behaviourists how to help when they misbehave. They just redirect it at me of don't punish them. But never answer how to correct the behaviour. This helps, because punishment (time out, if something dangerous a slap on bum) just seems to make it worse. I'll try this. I've a girl 6 and a boy 3 both ADHD. As both myself and husband have it. I was diagnosed with ADD and him ADHD. I've since learned they are same thing now.

So true. Their immune to the punishment. They need to learn and understand why they did something wrong. Punishment is useless if you don't teach them for every action is a reaction. The world will chew you up and spit you out if you continue on a certain path. You need to learn from your mistakes and be apologetic and remorseful for forgiveness.

My son has adhd and I just got diagnosed...at 34. 😅 This is amazing

As a child, spankings only pissed me off even more. What I absolutely hated though, and the thing that made me behave, was being forced to sit quietly and still right next to my mom, on the floor.

As a WAY over-punished child, this is SO right on!

Holy crap I need to show this to teachers I have adhd and people that did useless things to make me "behave" didnt work when I was younger at all

Yup, weekly detentions never helped me to remember my homework 😐

I love the term "clean up".

Medication has come a long way. It's been a blessing. Started half dose then slowly increased. Never even needed full dose.

I completely agree with the logic of tying actions in accountability to bad behaviors rather than unrelated punishments. It's training for the real world. I have loads of ways to exercise this in the home: break something = help fix it for example. But do you have any suggestions for when your young kid hurts friends, either as a 'justified' (to them) retaliation or from overzealous play? I feel like an apology is the first step, but maybe not enough. And sometimes even the apology is hard if my kid doesn't believe he's at fault.

Thank you. May the Lord bless you.

We used to live in a condominium with a swimming pool and playground, so I’d let my ADHD son loose in the pool or playground when he was getting into one of his moods. He’d be more reasonable after that and a shower. But we moved to a place without a pool and, due to covid, he wasnt going out as much for a few years. So we’ve been at laggerheads for quite a while until I recently discovered just telling him to stand at a corner with his arms up for as long as HE wants to stand…. His fury seems to wind down after a while, and I just need to do 15 min checks on whether he feels okay and ready to leave the corner. Afterwards, he’s often calm enough to finish whatever he was meant to be finishing. My husband asks me why I have him put his arms up, and I mentioned that otherwise, he just seems to find other ways to distract himself. What I find most interesting is that he finishes his school work and studying within 5-20 minutes because he’s got a high IQ, but his inertia and moods can make the pre-studying stage last hours. Once a teacher even called me letting me know my son had missed an entire exam, which we were very certain he would’ve aced otherwise. I hope and pray there’s a light at the end of this tunnel for my boy… What mother wouldn’t worry about her child’s possible inability to hold down a job, a loving relationship, or even to simply pursue a passion or a hobby?

Hi, I’m a kid with ADHD, and I would like some advice. Basically I often lie to my parents about things such as having learned for school, but I myself don’t really know why I do that, my parents keep punishing me for it by taking away my tablet and they sometimes also shout at me, telling me to respond, but how am I supposed to respond when even I don’t know? Don’t bring up them being bad parents, they are good, but it would simply be good to let this be solved

I hope my mom sees this because I have ADHD!

My parents did consequences like less tv time or taking his game away for a week for always being on it and not doing chores and he got pissed and trashed the place. What do you do than

I believe in discipline. Not punishment!

I wish my parents had know this

hi, i'm a kid with adhd who is currently grounded from my favorite video game until "i learn how to not be so impulsive." 1st off, they do feel like they're letting me down. They have listened to podcasts and videos, and here I am, trying to prove to myself my parents are doing something wrong. Do not mention anything about my parents "being bad people". They aren't bad people, but instead just people who don't know how to take care of me in the most proper way. The way I got grounded is by me making a joke in school that i shouldn't have done in school. I got a 2 day suspension and my parents were called. My mom was P I S S E D. She took away my favorite video game until i learnt how to pause, or until i'm able to move out. I don't know what to do, and fun fact; it was the 3rd time i've done that joke in my school career. She said to me; "3 strikes and you're out, that's how this goes." I was mad and grieving. I was as my parents would say, "overreacting." It's been 27 days since i've been grounded at the time of writing this. If my parents were to see this at all, I hope they could understand that punishments just make me more prone to do the same mistake over and over. I don't know what to do, and I want to not be grounded for a simple mistake. My family is filled with homebodies after all. What should I do to make them see what they're doing wrong, because they wouldn't believe a word I said, and they would think I was trying to get out of being grounded.

Thank you 💕 Soo much. Keep simple and short. God bless you sir

I think many people that would say "don't punish" agree with your stance but would consider what you are talking about as "discipline" vs punishment. Thank you for clarifying what I was already thinking in many regards. Do you have any recommendations for when either adhd child simply gets ice/etc and doesn't seem to actually care when injuring sibling? Or when something nice is done (brought a popsicle) hurt sibling starts trying to get something (like a popsicle) every time even when it's not within parental boundaries? I hope that makes sense

Wish my parents could have seen this 40 years ago.

Do you have any other examples of how to clean it up? When my girlfriends 3 year old is hitting due to frustration what should we do in that moment? Thanks!

This explains a lot about me. Too bad my dad doesnt believe in the things people like you say.

Can you please let me know how to obtain a membership at your site? Thanks

So with the “cleaning it up” method. When my daughter (4) is disrespectful towards her grandparents I typically tell her to apologize and give them a hug. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. It’s usually when she doesn’t want to that I have to “threaten” a punishment like taking away games/movies/videos for the day if she doesn’t own up to how she treated someone. My question is what that method doesn’t work and I’m left just taking away privileges

Also look at what you can do to set “safe boundaries”..l set them up to win. If they’re impulsive don’t leave treats where they can find them, put a password on the screen.

My child lashing out when frustrated or angry although I have tried everything yet nothing seems to to work, have you got any suggestions please.

Love tou

Seeking some suggestions My sons school has started to remove him from class earlier than the other children and sends him to the office before the home bell. The school has mentioned that he acts out occasionally towards the end of the day. My sons feels excluded and doesn’t understand why this is happening. Could you recommend a better plan for end of day that can still make my some comfortable He is 9 years old

I have a 6yr old grandson who hasn't been diagnosed , he was on phenobarbital when he was born. He is acting out in class short attention sapn and hyper seems like all the time hopefully your advice will be good tips for us?

Wanna know how i have ADHD? I have to watch this video again...

Wish I knew this 20 years ago😢

i always say think before you act.

The first thing I learned as my son grew, was consequences for your actions. There has to be consequences as a child of ADHD. He had these words instilled in him when he was just five he had to listen to these words over and over and over and over and over and over and he realized as he got older, there would always be consequences for his actions. He’s 32 now and he lives on his own with a job. He’s bought a house and a car and he realizes there will always be consequences for his actions so he is now responsible for them.

I kinda understand what your saying… thanks

My son isn’t quite diagnosed but he has been kicked out of multiple daycares cause yelling nor punishment works. I grew frustrated at times I don’t even want to exist but it just gets worse popping and yelling doesn’t work headaches just make my blood pressure go up. At this moment I don’t even know how to feel within because all the small kisses on the feet and hands as a baby seem to turn into pops and punishment at 3 going on 4 I’m trying. I hope this works cause all therapy is down for 16 months out . For anyone with tips from your experience as a child with ADHD or have children with it I am more than willing to listen what could be better steps to help him.

I believe discipline and accountability are more appropriate and effective than punishment.

Excellent video. My 8 year old has been suspended from school for one day because of his impulsive behavior in class. What can I do? Is it ok this kind of punishment for a boy with ADHD?

I wish my parents saw that when I was little

How do we incorporate this for a 4 year old? His behavior is ADHD like but he is also 4. Simply trying to minimize the voilence at daycare and the outbursts but again he is only 4 years old. Thank you!

Im trying to find new ways to help my younger brother as he is getting into trouble a lot at school and at home there are a lot of arguments with our dad. My dad tries his absolute best to make sure my brother learns from his bad behaviour but nothing ever really changes and he continues doing bad things when he has been told not to. I think my dad could try the cleaning up technique and make sure my brother does something positive to counter the negative thing that has happened e.g. yelling at a teacher, maybe sending them an email or making a card for them to show he is sorry. But t’s difficult to get him to want to take accountability as he is 13 and for some reason he just keeps doing the same things over and over. We don’t know if it is his ADHD or just his hormones as he is just turned a teenager but it is getting very difficult for my dad to parent him as he is very rebellious and continues doing the same wrong things all the time. Keeps arguing with him. Always needs to be right and have the last word. Never takes no for an answer and even when there’s a reason, he will keep on pushing and says he doesn’t understand. I think it might be better if me and my dad (as i care for my brother too) look for different methods accountability and teaching, because the ones we have at the moment are clearly not working, and instead of blaming my brother, maybe we should try a different technique. Any advice would be great, thank you.

Oh gosh if only this information had been around when I was growing up! I would always get in trouble for doing things and people would ask, "What were you thinking?" and I didn't have an answer for them because they wouldn't accept that I wasn't thinking anything. I just did it on impulse and couldn't pause to reflect until after. Now I overthink everything and tend to freeze in so many situations so I don't accidentally do something dumb, but of course that isn't really a good response either. You just can't win.

Is there a link to the correct website please

Aloha Ryan! How can you determine if your child truly has episodic memory?

What do you do when your adhd child is also extremely difiant. I am so lost on what to do to help her.

Can you give examples of how to “clean it up” my kid has a lot of issues with sharing and sometimes with following directions. So if I ask him to do something nice to make up for being mean to other kids or stealing from them he often doesn’t listen even if I try to help him do it after the episode.

I did not understand what you meant by cleaning. I have an 11-year-old daughter who is very tired, very nervous and stubborn. I do not know how to deal with her.

Hi. My son who is 21 year old is hyperactive, hasn't completed his college yet, but is trying to. His energy levels are scary at times but also inspiring when he talks about his creative ideas. But as a parent I am worried. I just learnt recently that he has all the symptoms of ADHD including impulsiveness, anxiety, sudden outbursts if he feels he has been slighted. I am not labelling him neither does he know that he is ADHD. But any tips on how to help him manage his life would be great. Oh and he plays the guitar very well, is a beat boxer and very well known in his circle for his creative skills