When a Narcissist Realized You Refuse to Be Controlled 

He said "you've changed" and I said "Yes, I have! I'm done being a doormat!" And he said "You're crazy! I don't even know what you're talking about!" 😄 I divorced him 7 years ago and am so loving the peace and quiet of my calm home. No more hole punched walls and broken window panes.

They are all jerks. As soon as you state what you will no longer do you are called “controlling” and they become the victim. And other stupid people believe them. So get ready before you say it.

“You exist to serve me”.” There was an unspoken pressure for me to serve him and do whatever he wanted and to turn a blind eye on his crappy behaviors. It was nearly always one-sided.

If they violate your boundaries, get rid of them.

Yep! As long as I played the game, everything went relatively smoothly. Until, it no longer went smoothly.

I responded to his text and said - "i have free will" 🤷🏻‍♀️ he sent essays upon essays about how disgusting snd such a disgrace i am (i only read one sentence) 😂😂😂😂😂😂. I had my bible next to me. I put my hsnd on it, smiled and said thank you father for saving me ❤❤❤❤❤❤ Feels so good to see the narcissist for whT he is, the Spirit of insanity. The lost spirit, the wandering spirit, i don't even see pride in him anymore. I see straight up misery.....

Today he blocked my car in a parking spot. I could see it was for control since I blocked him. He probably wanted me to come talk to him to move his car, and he would make me wait as long as he wanted so I couldn’t leave. Luckily, I was able to move my car out of the spot without talking to him 😂

Boyyyyy when they realize they lost controle of you run.sht just got real and you might be in danger.

Started no contact. Two weeks later, he had emergency abdominal surgery. I did NOT show up, call or text. Yet, he still tries to contact me, after 2 1/2 years. He's just pathetic 🙄

The discard and block was worth it. 2weeks no contact because he walked away and never coming back. Am at peace 😊

I hate when they use terminology that was associated with Narcissists against you. For example, "I walked on eggshells during our relationship because you (whatever it is) always got emotional or didn't agree with me or had something to say or wouldn't do what I said" whatever the situation they use former survivor language against you

The hopeless feeling of the turn tables conversation. You try to sincerely tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. You are not trying to make him feel bad...you just want to be heard and to see some changes....but instead you hear your words come back at you and he has "adopted" your feelings and has weaponized them against you in a false accusation. Stale mate. Those are the moments that I have cried in utter hopelessness...and he was stone cold. Irritated by my tears.

I would not allow him in the hospital when I was there. He said I was trying to control him. I told him he's part right, I am controlling. I'm controlling what I let into my life. The poop storm ensued. I was prepared for it. He was not. 💪

“I thought you were better than this”. She’s right…I am better than she thinks….

They get angrier and angrier until they’re threatening violence? That’s what the last nutjob I dated did.

I dealt with this. He raged at me over text when i chose to leave. He said so many nasty things about me, to me.. and i blocked him. The next day, I got an "i love you" email. Oof! NOPE. Definitely didn't love me. Thanks for the video!

EXACTLY what my narcissist ex husband said, when I realised I was dealing with an narcissist i changed and then he told me that i had changed, which I did cause i decided not to be ABUSED ANYMORE and he didn't like this at ALL, he was furious but had to look out for myself for a change.

I've been with 2 narcissist and a sociopath the sociopath was physically abusive. I'm waiting for a healthy relationship I hope one day soon. I have been in no contact since Nov 6 2022.

He had total control. He made all decisions in his home. Once married I moved into his house. Left after 8 years.

He said I'd changed and he didn't recognise me anymore. All that happened was I woke up to the control, emotional manipulation, and chaos. I still have to divorce him, but it's going to happen 😕

My Narc GF lost her job in October 2022. She took the piss out of my career and encouraged me to not go to work. Shamed me as a father. Shamed me as a partner. Turns out she had started an affair.

Having dealt with a narcissistic wife whose condition of narcissism only increased I deeply respect you Ben for making the decision to change for the better. 👌🏻🥇 I moved heaven and hell to help my marriage move into a positive light but my wife was not cooperating an inch. Words cannot describe how big my dissapointments are after I came to realise that my wife was never going to change. A narcissist to me is like the Farao in the story of Moses. Tjere are so many similairities. The Farao was given chance after chance to surrender himself and change his ways. But because of his arrogance he kept refusing and denying and used his power to cause more damage. In the end he got destroyed. If the narc will not choose to change they will end like the Farao. Again therefore so much respect for you, Ben. There are so many partners who wished to have a narc partner who is willing to make that change for themselves and as a result of that for their loved ones. 🙏

My husband is now changing his wording to hide the fact that he's REALLY telling me what to do. I caught onto that REAL QUICK. But, I PROVED HIM WRONG in a roundabout way, and HE DIDN'T CATCH ON!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣THAT'S HOW OBLIVIOUS HE IS!!!! The wrath is yet to come!!!!!

With a narcissist, you don’t draw boundary lines you dig ditch’s

Thank you Ben. You said 100% the truth. I know because I lived it except for I never experienced physical violence. It didn't matter that I was standing up for myself. It didn't matter about the boundaries I set. The narcissist was totally disrespectful, cruel, vicious etc. I gave him the opportunity to modify his behavior. He did at first very briefly. When he went back to devaluing me and ruined my birthday, I was done. I went no contact. Best decision ever. He will never change.

Not allowed to spend money, total isolation. Wouldn't let me go anywhere without him. The girlfriend before me and after me had to check in before work and immediately after work. I could work from home he put up cameras "for my protection" no it was to watch me. The girlfriend after had to wear an apple watch to follow her. The control he welded was crazy. To multi women. The patterns were all the same. None of us could have boundaries.

When a boundary is crossed,immediate consequences are needed

I'M 3 DAYS NARC FREE! HE ALWAYS DID THAT MIRROR BS! sometimes I couldn't even get out the whole sentence before he was saying "because you did to me or probably because you did it to me!" Omg the "PERSPECTIVE" word! That's triggering! And I am all of a sudden a "mean asshole!" And whenever he did one tiny lil thing I was supposed to praise him like he did the most!

"Next it will be you." I told him this so much. That him slamming doors and hitting the table scared me because if felt like I would be next.

I am experiencing this right now with my new job, fortunately my new boss finally saw through her and she is now a former employee.

This one is hard. I'm typically the first to become physical, usually out of being extremely frustrated with him physically blocking me from being able to leave, following me after I force him out of my way and listening to him antagonize me as he's following me, or balling up his fists at me, sometimes verbally stating that he wants to hit me. At times, I feel like he wants to get away with hitting me by pushing me to the extent that I become physically violent, only to call me crazy afterward, and label me as abusive. I have been taking steps to gain control of myself and be mindful of when he is trying to illicit a negative response from me. Sometimes, I pray and ask God right in the midst of the problem to be there with me and help me remain calm. Other times when I feel out of control, I will go lock myself in my closet. None of his behavior warrants me to become violent. I've also been practicing grey-rock techniques when I know I'm being baited into a fight. So far, prayer has been the most effective. I'm not normally a violent person, but when he started complaining that I'm more mouthy, that I'm not as nice, and I am quick to cut him off early in his attempts to pick a fight, I told him I have to treat him like a bear. In order to hold my boundaries, I have to be bigger than him. I hate who I've become behind being with him.

I have been many scenarios with the narc I dated. Long story, much to share, but exhausted due to his abuse.

OMG this is the best video that you have done. I have heard and lived every single word in this video. He liked to pull a gun, but having lived with a narcissist, I would just tell him to just shoot me I'd be better off. I absolutely had reactive abuse and did things I didn't even know I was capable of. I definitely became I person I don't recognize. Still don't after 3 months of him gone

Absolutely on point. The minute I knew what I was dealing with ? I was the control freak. I tried to change him into a weak person. Because I would not leave my home and move in with him. Because a refused to give up my career. I was the controller. I stayed with him for 5 years. I thank the powers that be I am out . 💯👌🙏

I did lose myself wish I had known about NPD.

Yup I stopped giving him what he wanted. Financial support and then he removed emotional support and I told him I didn’t feel safe. He threw it in my face saying I didn’t make him feel safe. So thankful to not have that in my life. Protect your peace!

This! I have been going through this for 31 years! He just went to prison a few months ago...he is fine but my son and i not so much...i couldn't work he provided...he controlled the money ..everything. He is still playing the victim still. We are left with a mess and nothing. They are scary...and mentally and physically abusive. Still somehow it was me.

Absolutely what happened. I changed and he spent months acting out. Now we are a couple months into him being super husband. Both extremes are maddening but at least nice h does projects, so the roof is being repaired.

“Maybe I was just making half of it up”. Familiar.

My last relationship had so much toxicity it should of been labeled with a biohazard sticker. I was so confused and frustrated I didnt know what I got myself into? Eventually, we both discarded each other from the bad behaviors and insults. Not how I want to live my next relationship if I get that far. This one ruined me.

I've been educating myself a lot recently but this one really resonated. The mirroring back in convos, the intense love for a short time and then victim and pouting when it's not fixed instantly. We did this again just last night

Holy crap!! Every one of these thing my current ex girlfriend did this to me. And now she's playing victim to her family saying I was doing this to her. Wooow!! Oh my God!!

The phrases you explain have all been used on-me…it’s like you have witnessed my situation!! He even uses my words I have said to him….back at me!confusing and cruel!!

be safe. I had to install Panic buttons in the house for me and the kids. it was so scary. but I got away. be safe. get the help you need. tell someone. what is going on.

i went no contact, because of the constant abuse for 60 years, now they target my adult daughter and report her to take her kids away. I went to court as they ran off to another city with my grandaughter. the judge made them read their lies into the record and gave me a restraining order that stated they have to be supervised to be around my grandchild. Now they have made up new crap, set daughter up and slinked in and took her youngest. Im so tried of the crap

True, true, alllll exactly 💯 !! This is insane 😳

When they realise you refuse to be controlled rhey will pull out the Mist dirtiest, underhanded crafty tactics you cab imagine to bring you to your knees like a dig begging for scraps. 🍒

My narc actually sat at the table & played out both sides of a “difficult” conversation with me. I said, “That didn’t sound too difficult.” And he said, “I know, I was the only one talking.” To which I said, “Exactly” and “Guess you don’t need me!” and I walked away. 🤣🤣🤣 Sadly he doesn’t get it & never will 🤷‍♀️ At least I know how to stand up for myself 🥰👍

You are absolutely correct. It took 25 years but eventually the physical abuse kicked in when words and manipulation didnt work. This created shame on my part because i thought it was a boundary i would stick to. And i didnt. We are still married. And he has physically abused me about 5 times . There would be more but ive "learned" to anticipate and take steps to remove myself . Anyways all that just to say you are right

Sick twisted minds I told her multiple times stop being controlling of where I go who I’m with what I am doing I felt like I’m being imprisoned for living my life which I can’t take it anymore 10 days no contact hopefully she’ll get off my ass

Everyone has narcissistic tendencies

I just got out of another narcissitic relationship. Day 11 of No Contact/Blocked. He was very controlling and angry all the time. When I didnt do what he wanted I got rage. I felt like i was losing my mind everyday. At the beginning of the relationship I tried to set boundaries with him. They would push right through them like nothing. I left because his abuse had started to affecting my health. After several conversations about his behavior it never changed. I chose me and walked away I deserve more! Thank you for sharing ❤.

...they say they are not intimidated by you, but then refuse to attend family dinners etc because you make them uncomfortable. (And the narc is the one who is wont to tell people to grow up.) 🙄

Everything you spoke about is true! Narcissist = "Service with a Smile!"

THIS MAN IS PREACHING AND TEACHING!!!!! once again i'm moved to express enormous gratitude that my exposure to...THIS...was very brief, but very painful. not even two weeks in i was asking dude if he was trying to break me; made it clear to him that he was being verbally abusive; refused to revolve around him like he's the frickin' sun!; and made it extra clear to him that my self-esteem was "still intact" despite his behavior. AND IT WAS/IS!!!! AND I AM GRATEFUL!!!! I LOVE listening to this guy because he's confirming my diagnosis of the person and bringing LOTS of understanding where confusion once resided!!!! THE UNDERSTANDING IS MY CLOSURE AND IT STRENGTHENS ME MORE!!!! and makes me more grateful that i didn't get trapped into months and years and decades of...THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! SICKNESS!!!!!!

Not going back. But talk of forgiveness please & thanks too 🙏👍

25 years and stuck😢😢😢

Do you mean that if I’m nice, understanding and caring towards a narc they want to knock me down?

Oh, I know they are a crazy catch 22! Wish I had understood this simple fact 18 years ago, takes years to learn and then the life you worked so hard for implodes and you now have to escape this abusive person. It’s a nightmare!

They get pissed

stolen from another video, but too good not to continue sharing: Why did the narcissist cross the road? Because they thought it was a boundary. :D

The narc I dealt with said "I forgot you were )like this."

This is so spot on. These videos are helping me release the confusion and doubt and maddening frustration. Especially when I think about how impatient and angry I had become toward the end and starting to self-blame. But only because I am temporarily forgetting the insane difficulties he was putting me through that led me to finally lose my patience and then lash out. And even then my lashing out was not yelling or anything, it was telling him via text that I was done with his lying, gaslighting, endless excuses, illogical decision making to put it mildly. I wasn't the breadwinner, but I am better educated because he drank through his school years. I don't use big words in my view, but for him I said things he never heard of. I never held it over his head in anyway because I didn't care. I only cared about having a good relationship, how he treated me, the fun we had (or didn't have) together. I only cared about who he was today, integrity, etc. He used anything to make me the bad guy, but I pushed back even as I had concerns that maybe I was the bad guy too. Because I was looking at my behavior where the narcissist isn't. It's over now, but still very recent and I'm in the process of coming to a sane place after the tornado. Sadly, I never met anyone who gave me as much affection as he did when things were good. But no one ever treated me badly like he did either.

Amazing video Ben! This was so eye opening. I was always kind and sweet to me him but when ever attempting to asert a small boundary and I was completely attacked and made to be broken. I never had anyone do this to me in life. It's like he learned me just to completely break me down. Tell me I did things I never did and I would some how believe it! I would have to go back and look at texts from months prior to see that I actually never said any of that and I learned early on to document everything because my reality would be altered with the manipulation so frequently. How I've hurt him so badly when I never even said these things and constantly guilt trip me. Told me what a monster I was when I have never treated anyone that way. I felt like I was in a drama circus constantly. Like my mind was being messed with always. I fully believe now looking back this was a Covert Narcissist which I didn't even know about until I went to therapy and was treated for Narcissistic abuse. When I try to explain it to others, no one seems to understand....But therapy has helped me greatly. 6 months in now.

Gosh I was told to my face I have changed 😂😂😂

Ben another brilliant video. I went through this for 10 years. And I left 3 times. I could not leave because we had 5 children at the time. 22 years of pure bullshit when I look at it. But we did make happy memories. ❤

I never see someone talk about it but they react the same when you refused to be controlled and disrespected by OTHERS. Would be amazing if you made a video about it !

He would tell me that “ Your not going to deb-owing him” but i wasn’t just wasn’t going to do everything he said R hold him accountable he didn’t care for for that and I had a best stay over his house the light and i call it off with him and The next day he had someone else over to his house as well too I was done i blocked him……

Boundaries have to be enforced

After all this time of feeling crazy, taking on a belief that I was a bad person, not compassionate, judgemental, too emotional, etc. These relationships will drive you to the brink of insanity and suck all the good out of your life. I really commend you for doing the right thing and bringing awareness to this type of abuse.

Not anymore!

Wow, this is what I experienced!

I love your content, Ben! I'm happy that you've come as far as you have and have gotten that self awareness and the courage to acknowledge that you had a problem and now are working to fix it. I'm super proud of you!

They usually find a differant line of work .

This is my current situation

The covert woman that lives next to my apartment. She caught on I think. I started getting threats from her brother.

Brother, you are spot on! Thank you

Boundaries yes...if you are drinking or drunk don't stop here go to your camp. He was shocked!!! Oh well. Too bad.

I just told him I was done so done and we were over totally. He never read the text!!!! As usual. He really thought he was co.ing back to my house till he got a call from the police dept!!! He went bizirque!!! Oh, well. He had reported pd reports with his x wife and x girl friend. He will never come back here. Short lived 7 months that was enough. !!!

Im dealing with 2 narcissists, tried to date them both at different times but as i realized what and who they were, or werent, i flipped my sigma-heyoka-super now they cant anchor as im also a NLP expert and have friend zoned them without them being able to control as i just "walk another path" while still talking to them because i believe in helping them. And i know that typically you cant fix them but the reason they are like they are is because of a underdeveloped neural bridge for automatic control of seratonin and dopamine.

After a few years together. My X left me for a rebound guy. I knew what I was getting into with my X coming from a toxic family. I took the chance. She didn't take the opportunity to change her behavior. But she did excel her career in which I am proud of her. In the end, she will realize that I was her true prize that she did not appreciate and ungrateful. No return.

Wow, Ben. This addresses so many amazing things that make sense. Thank you. Excellent , concise video.

Draining interaction 🕳️ entities

How about a show on how you changed and realized it. How you got thru it. Most narcs don't admit and been told get better....yet here you are raising awareness. How?

Let them Do what they Can. Their All Hopes and Falseself will be exposed. As you Sow Shall you Reap. Bcz of these people we Lost Trust in Everyone. We will never Trust Anyone Again. They dont trust others but tells us to trust them. May God Almighty and Universe save everyone from evildoers.

Why are narcissists getting there own platform how can we even trust you ijs

Grateful for you both!🙏

What this man is not telling you the boundaries are for you,when the boundary is broke or crossed,you issue immediate consequences, I mean immediately

If I use the word compromise my husband's eyes turn black!

NC since August 15,2022😉

Great video

Arm yourselves u might have to send that narc to meet his dad the devil

my boundaries are my person and my adult children and my 8 grandchildren, they are mine. They are not my sisters or my mothers, and yet im not respected. if the rolls were reversed, and I did not call this sister and inform her she would be enraged if i knew her adult kids had some troubles and i just snatched her only grandchild from under her.

Mine says you change I just want my girlfriend back, i slways say " oh , u mean the one u abused tf out of ? " I tell her all the time the only thing that's changed is now we're both sad , because you've been treating me this way the whole relationship.. lol smh I come and go as I please I have guy friends that think I'm hot and now I'm an embarrassment to the neighborhood and and blah blah blah,. So now, me changing is the reason why she's treats me awful, I told her no you treated me awful from the beginning which is why I have changed.. she says yeah but now I'm trying and you're not. Lol when she's not trying at all she's doing the exact same thing she always has... Still invalidating every feeling I have still no job, still won't pay bills still stealing all my stuff for drug money, still blaming it all on me. I kicked her out she's been homeless literally walking past me in the neighborhood in the same outfit looking horrible I feel terrible about it and I let her come in and shower and I feed her sometimes. She says I" I'm not going to get a job and help you with bills when you have me living in the streets" and I keep telling her , nooooooo you live in the streets because you refuse to help me with with ANYTHING AND U STEAL FROM ME" SHE DOESN'T FEEL GRATEFUL THAT I LET HER COME IN AND SHOWER AND EAT BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE DESERVES LOYALTY IT AT ALL COST. I GUESS I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST RUINED MY WHOLE LIFE.??

This gold

What makes a narcissist leave a relationship? Thank you.

I really can’t stand Narcs and their controlling ways. They are completely egotistical, distorted and selfish. Self-aware narcs a bit better because at least they are more mature and have some wisdom about themselves. But an unaware Narc is a complete baboon.

Very good information. 🌿 At what age did you get to when you got healthy enough to make solid changes for yourself and do these videos. New to your channel, thanks.

What about if he makes me want to become angry to the point of wanting to hit someone …I should just go or am I the narcissist….im going insane 😢

Do all narcs throw and break stuff?