2 things the Narcissist Cares about when You Leave 

1. Keeping their reputation intact. 2. Trashing your reputation. 😉

A soulless demon has no feelings

After I learned my ex was a narc, what helped me walk away was knowing that she never loved me, and that she had no interest in changing or growing. The 'person' I thought I loved was façade. It was never who she really was. The fact that she exploded on me when we spoke about accountability told me so much. So I walked away.

Narcs care about: 1) Their image/social standing. Image control. Most of them are willing to smear the other person to look like the better person themselves. 2) Money/power/pleasure (but they don't care for the responsibilities that comes with this things.) You can use these two things as leverage when negotiating with them. Because they don't care about you, or hurting you, or the kids or pets if there are any. Love, care, respect, attention, affection are not things they're able to provide.

You were not in love with a "person", but with a persona. That "person" you loved never existed as such. It was all a facade.

Childhood Trauma is at the Root of all narcissistic behavior. 26 years here.

Thank you .. I have left a 60 yr marriage to a narcissist... This helps me understand the crazy

I enjoy shutting doors in their faces...my new hobby.

The narcissist only cares if it hurts THEM in some way financially or otherwise. They could care LESS if it’s you who is the one who ends up hurting/losing something.

They care about nothing, absolutely nothing! Not even their needs, so needy! They have no conscience!

I'm leaving my narcissistic husband after being married for a year and a half. He says he won't be around when I'm moving out tomorrow because he cant stand how "his" house will look like once I've left - he can't stand that. Says he's going to be out of town for a few days to recoup (probably with his new supply). I actually can't believe I was in love with someone so heartless. I'm disgusted to say the least.

These individuals are so sad. The extreme they will go to pretending to be someone that doesn't exist. Never again.

Yep. The narcissist, after being caught red handed serial cheating and was served divorce papers, actually said that he didn’t want to get divorced…because he “didn’t want to look like a failure”. It had nothing to do with not wanting to lo lose his wife and family. Those issues were not a consideration, to him, whatsoever. Just ‘how he would look’ was his biggest concern. That, and not wanting to split the 30 years of marital assets, which he was in full control of…and (unbeknown to the family) wasting away…on keeping his multiple affairs going. Brutal. A cold hearted manipulator.

U leave the game. U r better off. Enjoy time on earth and guard up your soul for eternity.

Narcissists just take money. They are worried about that their supporter goes away.

Two things narcs only care about when you leave… Narc Supply and more Narc supply!!!

Why doesn't the narc realize that treating you well will cause you not to abandon them??? If rhey're so afraid of abandonment, why not treat you so well that you will never want to leave??? It's so mind boggling!!

Image and money!!!!! Absolutely! Bingo! 💯

Image is everything. Once they see you're not going to tell anybody he doesn't give a shit.

Im struggling been a long journey. I still can't let go of thinking after 28 years he's moved on and happier somewhere else with someone else even though I built a life for him and gave half of my life to him. Yet I know I have to let go because what I'd seen I cannot unsee the abuse only escalated the more I questioned everything. 😢

Absloutely important advice. Do not seek mediation. Get a quick court order for custody and child support. Make sure the payments are going through the Dept of Revenue. Know that they are not going to keep up the parenting schedule, so do not agree to 50-50 custody. Let the judge decide. Don't negotiate away you and your children's safety.

When I went no contact with my mother her first response was, "What will everyone think of me? You're making me look like a bad mother!" Every time a flying monkey came at me it was the same thing, "You're making her look bad!" The FM's usually didn'tcome back after I asked, "Have you ever considered how bad things had to be for her own daughter to cut her off? No? Maybe you ought to."

My Ex only cared about His bongs, pipes, weed and alcohol. # 1 /all his Phones!!!

they never cared !😩

I have incredibly high intuition. I can feel that they are off and dangerous to my well-being. This gut instinct of mine has never failed me. They tell on themselves early on. Listen to it. Don’t give the benefit of the doubt. When I did. I kicked myself later. They say “ oh, I don’t usually do that”. wRONG! We are built on patterns. This IS that pattern of behavior. But they had a glitch ( mask off) and you witnessed it. When someone shows you who they are. Believe them.

I broke up with her. It's hard for me. I really do love this girl, and she knows it. 😢

“Talk is cheap” if they don’t do what they are saying get rid of them right a way

I was afraid of the guy. I'd seen the demon.

Mr. Wonderful for 5 yrs was the love of my life (so I thought). Treated me like a queen, then convinced me to move in with him to build our future. We had such chemistry, and great conversation....unless I tried to go deep or talk about feelings.That's when it all changed- lots of subtle control issues, silent treatment, dismissed my feelings, small little criticisms, coldness, etc. He was very hung up on money, and always felt like I didn't contribute enough- even though we split the bills. I was being punished, but never knew why. I often wonder if he was treating me badly so I would leave him (and he could be the victim). He acted like he could care less when I moved out. Months later, he started to call from time to time as if he misses me. Sweet as pie to everyone, including me, but acts like nothing ever happened. It's completely insane.

The first thing my ex bf blurted out when I quit my abusive pizza shop job was, "Where am I going to get all the free pizza?" Then he caught himself and tried to act empathetic.

2 things they think about are their image and what it costs them. They'll think of the things they gave you and regret it.

Ben, you hit this on the head!! After being with a narc for over 27 years, looking back, I can Without A Doubt say that their image & "their" money are the ONLY things that they care about. The rest are just a facade. Notice how I put "their" money in quotes? It doesn't matter if ALL monies are marital property or not, as well as who contributed what amounts - they will change their story/reality - & will be sure to tell Anyone who will listen - to reflect that THEY were/are the sole/main bread winners No Matter What! There's no middle ground - it's all black & white - they think it's ALL their money. Period.

Mine asked "what would his family think?" It's all image with these people.

Excellent explanation So on point! “Image and money” that sums him up. Thank you Ben

I'm in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband.... it has been such an exhausting, difficult, trying, time... together 9 years married for 5.... one minute he's telling me he doesn't want to fight and he loves me... to a few hours later I'm the skum of the earth.. the skeeziest person on the planet.... ... I've left 3 times.... this time I actually really left .. got a new place for my kids and I (my kids aren't his.. their 14 and 10) I'm actually done this time... I'm not responding to his nasty messages.... which I think is pissing him off even more.... through out our marriage I've caught him talking dirty to his exes... he snaps on my children.... (that's why I left this time.... I stood up for my children) I know I'm doing the right thing.... but holy F*ck it's hard!!

This stuff about image resonates so so much. Can't tell you how many times I was accused of not taking into account what a "good person" they were. At first I assumed they were just feeling insecure and I would reassure them that I still thought they were a good person. And then one day I thought.. hey.. wait a minute. Why would they be asking me for reassurance that I'm taking their image into account when I'm sharing my feelings about something they did? Obviously I'll never know the full answer to that question. What I do know though is that every time that happened, they were prioritizing their image when I was sharing my feelings. Almost like a standoff. As if they were saying "we won't be talking about your feelings until my image is addressed and restored in the way I want you to see me". Needless to say, if I didn't reassure them first, we certainly weren't going to talk about my feelings. In hindsight I realize they were slowly eroding my ability to discern whether or not I was safe around them. They dangled emotional relatability in front of me like a carrot to steer me toward fronting them credibility as a good partner before they were willing to do the things good partners do. They'd react to my feelings with something like "well I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person" and I'd fall for it and take the time to reassure them that I still thought they were a good person. But as soon as they got the free credibility, which always took up an exhausting amount of time and space in the conversation, they'd hit me with something like "we've already been talking about this for x minutes. I already said I'm sorry. Why are you still going on about it?"

His image at work was all that mattered!!

When I ended my engagement to my narcissistic fiancé, the only thing he could say was to remind me how he took care of me for nearly 3 months after I broke my ankle. He lives 2 hours away, but stayed with me almost the entire time. He has reminded me that he “gave up his life” to take care of me (his care and concern was amazing), but now he is throwing that back in my face. Still wont address the hurtful things he said and did to make me choose to leave - doesn’t answer any questions. But this he can continually bring up. I guess this is his “save my image” attempt. Now this makes sense. 😢

Exactly. They demonstrate love then they don't. Clearly they cannot Love. How can they WHEN they have no EMPATHY. Real LOVE you don't pretend. Love is kind not abusive. If the Narc had the ability to LOVE they are Vulnerable. That's what they can NEVER show. They have to be Superior to Control the relationship. Period!

also be open to the idea that it wasn't love just codependency on your part in response to their manipulations, the love was illusory, meaning real love will be so much better when you really experience it, dried my tears real fast :)

Self aware narcissist. So a narc is aware enough to purposely hurt you but they’re not self aware to know what they’re doing? All narcissists are self aware! They KNOW what they’re doing!! They like doing it!!! So what’s a self aware narcissist as opposed to just a narcissist? Both know that hat they’re doing, and they know what they did is WRONG. They know what they do! It’s a calculated behavior !

Hi Ben: It's about a little bit more than just image and money, but I know it's about personal experiences, and for you, this is yours. I don't want to make it too complicated, nor do I just want to flippant. Bottom line, it's pure selfishness, brought on by trauma in childhood. It's negative energy brought on through hatred for the caregivers abuse. What happens is the victem.(child), reflects the hatred that's been perpetrated against them. This causes the transference of negative energy, which some will call a generational curse. You, my friend, are self aware, and turning negative energy into positive! God bless you, my friend!

I’ll never forget this incredibly painful experience I had a my ex narc. He had already moved out of our dream home. When the realtor came by with the paperwork we had to sign to agree to the offer, I was devastated. Not only was my 17 yr marriage over, I was losing the best house I’ve ever had. My ex narc? Couldn’t be happier. You’d think he just won the lottery. Talk about twisting the knife in your heart. 💔

I can’t tell you how much this resonates with my experience. All of this happened. She actually tried to come back, was still gaslighting but wanted to go to couples’ therapy so she could dupe the therapist also and have them tell her that she wasn’t abusive. So, I said no. Of course, then she was able to tell her flying monkeys how much she tried to make it work. And of course, they know nothing that she did. It’s really a mind f*ck. She was so focused on money, image and power in our relationship that there was no room for anything authentic.

Yes! Money was certainly a big concern of him. Even when he earned three times as much as I do. He kept feeling sorry for himself for losing my (proportionally huge) share of the monthly costs. No concern for my ability to make ends meet at all. In addition He complained about all the things he would have to do himself from now on. Like cooking. I did that every day, even when I was sick. Even on vacations he wanted me to cook all the time and he had no empathy for the fact that I also wanted to relax. He was only listing the things I did and that’s when I realised that he only saw me as a tool. Not a person. I was so happy that I made the decision to finally leave. I remember all the while that videoclip of Tommy by the Who was playing in my mind: “I’m free!” Fortunately for me he’s most likely the self righteous kind so he payed me some extra money for my share of the bed etc. But he did guilt me into taking a low cut of my share of our home. Knowing he has a tendency to go to court when he feels screwed over, I agreed. I just wanted peace of mind.

hahaha I learned many years ago that it was in fact, "cheaper to keep her" and that was why mine wouldn't step out and actually leave or file after every 2-3 months for 14 years of him saying "get a lawyer". It would have been WAY cheaper to just "be nice to her" though. Lol

If I disappear today he will notice that I am gone when there's no clean clothes and the house and garden looks like crap.....Married 44 years into slavery...that is how it feels..I have worked myself stupid to gain his approval, to impress him...and he is now going to lose his "carer"..

Thank you for acknowledging how hurtful some comments can be. I personally am over caring at this point. Yet, I still remember the devastation I went through. This was not a guy I dated for a brief period of time. This was my husband. The man I believed I was going to spend my life with. The father of my children. This was a man I spent almost 2 decades with. To be told none of it was real, literally gutted me. It was real. I have the 2 beautiful children to prove it. It may not have been real to him. However, his feelings and reality don’t matter anymore. I was present. I loved and gave myself completely. I honored my vows. I did my part. Nobody, including him, can take that away from me! And nobody can take that from any other victim/survivor. We have been through enough bullshit and gaslighting already. We now control the narrative. It’s our story to tell. Nobody has the power to say what was real or not, besides us. We control our story now. We are the ones who lived through it!!!

This describes my soon-to-be ex exactly !!! I doubted my gut feelings about him being this way through the divorce process, but now I know it’s true. It’s just a game to win for them. They can never look like anything other than perfect and guiltless at your expense. Thanks Ben.

Spot on... I am in the middle of a divorce after 28 years of being together. These are the ONLY things that mattered to him when we split. He said he wanted to reconcile, but made zero effort to show that. All words, no action. Pretty telling.

Exactly 100%. I got the reverse discard. I had countless circular arguments with him telling him I did not want to have to file for eviction. Finally had to do it and he drug it out till the last few days after a 5 month period of court delays due to covid. He viciously smear campaigned me to the point that it was like where did you even come up with that crap. Totally ruthless, no limits or boundaries on his part. Played himself out to be the poor victim. All premeditated lies and the reactive abuse before hand played well to validate his lies / half truth outragous stories that also set the stage for his triangulating his new supplies family as how not to treat him. Sickening to say the least.

5:45 I went through the same.... it was awful listening her every day. And after her rage "our" son started to cry every time wich was my fault as well according to her because I made her do this....

I had no idea my girlfriend was a narcissist until she ghosted me. I told her over the phone i wouldnt buy her anymore gifts. I cut her supply. She's vanished. Looking back I can now see she had some strange behaviour a few subtle red flags. She lacked empathy and affection. I thought that wasnt narcissism. She never told me that she loved me. She never seemed interested in my day to day life she wouldn't ask me many questions. I think I was blinded by her beauty. I loved her more than anything. I thought she was a fun person. We had lots of fun together or was it just me that had fun. Im done with her. I'm now awake. Im angry with myself for falling for it and wasting so much time, energy and money on her. She won't hear from me again.

2 things they care about when you're gone: 1- Who's going to pay the bills? 2- Pouncing the next prey asap

I cant imagine how hard it must be to admit all this as a narcissist.. good job getting help and helping us understand

I am so glad that you are setting an example that narcissists can show up, be responsible and take accountability for their behaviour, after taking therapy if they want to, humanity is heading in the right direction if all of us become aware and try to reduce our toxic traits every single day, this world will be a better place.

My ex narc thought we should sit down at the kitchen table a come up with how much money he should pay in support payments 😂😂. He must have forgotten that I found out he had been having an affair with my friend 😅. I got a good lawyer and went to court and the judge awarded me more than my lawyer requested. I think the judge saw that he was a narcissist and hit him where it counted in his bank account.😂 I am so happy its over, life is good 👍.

Love isn't a demonstration. It's an expression.

I have recently left my narc husband. Now the narc is attending church each week at my church. He didn’t go very often when we lived together. He ask people if they have heard anything bad about him. He makes me sick.

We need more videos on what to DO - strategically so we are not triply screwed over when it ends 😢

They also care about the fact that you must not see them as the problem. Even after the discard, you must accept its YOUR fault they hurt and broke up with you. You MADE THEM treat you like sht. Prof. Vaknin calls this act " handing the introject ". Which is giving you the blame, the responsibility and burden of managing the failure of the relationship. Its a task you must accept HAPPILY. If you dont, get ready for RAGE 😂

I understood this aspect of my relationship with my narcissistic girlfriend. I saw what she was doing, read about this personality defect, and was ready. She constantly tried to run me down. I have reasonable control over my memory. Within a week I was to forget most things I experienced with her. Yes, I was in love with her. I am able to do this because I suffered through an ended relationship and learned a lot, knowing what to do. Suffering through memories I learned to forget, fast!

Awesome video. All 100% truth in my experience in over 20 years with "the narc."

Thank you. This makes alot of sense. While the host breaks down in emotional pain, they are only concerned about losing what they stole and lost if they lose the host. No home no money cuz the other target falls short. And then the hoover. Omg. Its all about them.

And you will never ever get an apology.

My ex emailed me he was lonely and depressed since I left last year. He said all the right things. I asked him one thing…. Please respond when I reach out, not in two weeks but sooner and I foolishly explained I felt ignored when my attempts at connection weren’t acknowledged. I got nothing back for four days and so I sent another email explaining obviously nothing had changed and there was no point in trying again. He flew into a rage and said he was going out to enjoy the day because the weather was perfect. He just reinforced everything Ben said here. One thing he mentioned to his friends was he was upset because he couldn’t take the boat out because I wasn’t there to help him at the dock 🤦‍♀️ Ps yep, I should have blocked him EVERYWHERE

This is incredibly important. This is absolutely the most important thing that can be done regarding narcissism. A genuine narcissist telling us Exactly how it is. There is absolutely NOTHING that can replace it.

Damn you’re good at explaining s***

She said “she was embarrassed by me” I was effecting her image

Yep, totally true. My narc husband was promising a quick and easy divorce just lets leave the lawyers out and then I and the judge received a letter from his lawyer totally different. I told my husband : what you are telling me is not what your lawyer has sent in her letter. If you have changed your mind that’s ok, tell your lawyer to write a new letter. That has never happened. The only person who connects you to the sane reality is your lawyer.

I want to commend you Ben for being raw and vulnerable about your personal past. Happy to hear of your relationship and business with your wife. Your video was exceptional!! Many of us appreciate what your life partner and you are doing! I also wish to thank you for mentioning your faith and going to church!!!!

I think they are like: but my image. Not really caring about you as a person leaving. I've won the breakup before, got a replacement supply before them, it's annoying to have to sink to their level though.

When we broke up. She said I was upset because she didn't love me the same way anymore but when she talked about what she was going to miss. It was our stuff. Course she has also said she didn't love me when we got married. She thought we should. So she did. Love was not the reason why.

Every time I hear reach out for help and that you are not alone, it makes me wanna feel safe, but what are the chances that for example, people like you and your wife in your restored life together be there if small people like me needs help getting out of this Narcissistic Relationship. The Narc left, and just as you described, he could not face the fact that I left him, so created a show and traumatic chaos and now end it up filling for divorce and now is threatening me of taking the kids from me and of course since everything happened… My finances changed and of course we all know why! Because they manipulated and controlled everything so that when they leave, they make sure you are left with nothing but problems. -Where is God and Good Community People when you are deep down in a hole like this that seems that you’ll never get out. But, I know like I know, Karma will not let him or anyone that joined him without paying the last drop of tears me and these two kids shed and the last cent I spent on my own for the surviving time I am in this dark situation.

Well said Ben! Excellent! ☺

Narcs care about winning. At all costs.

Spot on 🥲

Spot on!

My ex of 15 years, waited almost 3 years to sign the divorce papers that I’d sent him. During that time he told everyone else that we wasn’t divorced yet because I was waiting for his dad to die to take all of his inheritance money, when in fact the whole time my divorce stated I was walking away with nothing other than my peace and self worth. I wasn’t even taking any of the money I had invested in our home myself. But I lost a lot of “friends”because of his lies. A week before he actually finally signed them, (two and a bit months ago) he told my daughter in law , not to tell me 😂, but he had landed a six figure construction job and that he can now retire. Then a week later, he posted the signed papers directly to me rather than to the court as the papers stated he was supposed to. (For my birthday I might add) I sent them off exactly as they were originally drafted and our divorce will be finalised in about two weeks time. I have very recently been told that he is in fact actually having very serious financial issues, so what he told my daughter in law wasn’t true anyway. So I don’t know if it was an attempt to hoover me in (he and his flying monkeys have been completely blocked for about 8 months) so he had no other way to get to me, or if it was to provoke a reaction from me or if he was hoping I’d put up a fight for money he doesn’t have, so that his lies about me looked true to everyone else. Either way it was weird and it didn’t work. So potentially at least one of his lies is about to be brought into question when everyone he lied to sees I took nothing. Or at the very least he’s got to come up with another story quick to keep his bs hidden. He’s creating his own stupid karma, and as much as I shouldn’t really I can’t help laughing to myself a little bit about it 😂

I guessed those 2 things before you said them. Spot on. My narc always said “it’s cheaper to keep her”. Yup, he’s right. But, then again he’s a narc - he’s ⓐⓛⓦⓐⓨⓢ right 😑 We’ll see what happens regarding our toddler (we have 2 adult children that don’t care to be around him) when we finalize the divorce…the toddler is giving him good amounts of supply, so he may keep up the “good dad” role for a while.

You explained that perfectly! Thank you Thank you 😊

Thanks for the great videos. Very insightful and spot on.

Thank you.

This is so spot on. This is what fucked me up. She would say I love you and have sex with me but it was so so empty. Her actions were telling me otherwise. She was onto new supply. As far as her kid she had her child seeking validation from her too.

I've been playing this game for 2 years on trying to escape doing that. Escaping. He gives me everything in the world he gives me money he does this and that and thanks to you I'm making that step he just gave me $100 because he loves me. And then he told me what he was going to do with my stuff is get me a storage for a year.. I sent him down quickly. I love him and I'm sad for him because he's miserable I'm 52 and he's 65. And the crazy thing is is that I am happy with me I have a ton of people I have a tribe that is behind me. But I don't have the financial means and you made me realize that is not the reason to say. Thank you.

Thank you for creating these informative videos. They have helped me realize that I am not alone in my experiences and that my feelings are valid.

Spot on! Money and image ✅ glad my ex husband is just that EX. For anyone going thru, it gets greater later. Keep going and don’t look back.

So true. Im lucky because no matter what he says bad things about me, nobody believes him, 😝😅

You are a unicorn, Ben, honestly. Very rare!!!

Oh Jeez!! This sounds startlingly familiar. I’ve been trying to avoid having to go no contact. This information makes it clear that I cannot avoid it.

I think they just care about supply.

I REALLY DID enjoy this video!! Everything said ,came to the light!!. I am so much stronger emotionally,that not even a knife can cut me and I don't bleed!!. Weird?!! It's how I feel!!

I believe my Ex cares about how good he looked as a single man on his Birthday strutting his stuff. If he had been with me, he wouldn't have been able to look as good because a y new potential partner would have ignored his flirting. 🍒

Just downloaded the app- haven't opened it yet because I'm in the middle of the video...lol But I'm looking forward to checking it out! Thanks, Ben! 😊

Thank you

Thanks!

Nailed it.

The latest narc is a public figure, after exposing him as a predator I warned “Mind your reputation” after learning (without his knowledge) that he had recently pounced on another local lady through his community position. I’m concerned he has done it to other women and will continue to do so but know what police is like dealing with such cases because have been there before.

When I hear you speak I notice it activates my toxic hope that my ex can change, especially that you are married and are married….

TRUE!