When Someone With Dementia Forgets Who You Are 

My wife 66 years old , wife of 33 years some does not know who I am (sometime severial times a day). She knows I'm a good person and wants to line me up with other women so they can be my wife. It is amazing what we can put off until tomorrow morning and discuss it then. She will get upset and want to go back to the city she grew up in that night... If I say let's sleep here tonight (home of 22 years) tomorrow morning we can talk about and get packed if needed. For now this is working.

Yes, she is doing a wonderful job. Unfortunately if it is the first time your loved one doesn't recognize you it is a loss for you. I burst into tears the first time it happened, even though I was fully aware it was just the illness. We are not only caregivers but also humans and at that moment you lose the position as daughter and that is simply hard.

Wow! I just shared this with my family since we are living with a person with dementia and trust me, it’s a daily struggle. These dementia life lessons are priceless, especially for a doc whose training never prepared me to care for someone with dementia. Feeling grateful 🙏🏾

I wish I had known what I was dealing with, a horrible disease called Lewy Body Dementia with some Parkinsonisms. I have cursed that disease and wanted desperately wanted to hurt it as bad as it hurt my Rob. But, I did find you soon enough to make a difference in the last 6 months of my Sweetheart’s life. His name was Rob and I loved him so dearly and he passed away 8/7/2022 at 12:04 am and he was 86 years old. He made me laugh 😂 and he loved me till his last breath was drawn. How do I know that, because he told me that last day of his life. There aren’t enough words for me to thank you for giving him back to me with the things you taught me every day so we could learn how to keep on loving each other to the very end!

You have completely validated my core beliefs on how to love and care for our loved ones who suffer with dementia. They are not the disease. My husband and I were live-in caregivers for a "relative through marriage" individual. We went in to the situation with the attitude that we were family. We kept our friend busy with activities that meant something to her and didn't focus on her necessary care. Long story short, it's an experience I'll treasure forever. Was it easy? Heck no. One year into our stay Covid happened and flipped her world upside down. No more support from her actual family. Somehow we kept it together, and to this day I will always treasure the warm and grateful smile I get everytime she sees me, even if the greetings are only 5 minutes apart. She doesn't have to know our names. Just that we love her dearly and that she will have us as "family" for the rest of her life.

😮 love being able to see this played out in real time because my daddy is starting to show evidence that he is forgetting me sometimes too. He talks to me about “ Cindy”( my name and the other morning I walked into his house and he said” who are you?” So it won’t be much longer before I have to apply those 3 points of her video 😢. I will watch it again I’m sure.

I always remember the movie "The Notebook" where someone asked the husband why he keeps going to visit his wife when she doesn't know her and his reply was BUT "I know her".

Thank you, Bailey, for sharing your interaction with your Dad. You are amazing. And thanks to Dr Natali for seeing the importance of sharing this very special interaction with us - and further explaining how it helps our LW.

Your videos help me to interact with a family member more easily. She too has said, ( after I go home). “I forgot where I’ve been with that lady, but I always have a warm feeling inside, when she’s here.” I cried when my daughter told me that. And it’s your videos that have shown me the way. So thank you. ❤️

I'm dealing with my mom as she slips away. When she's difficult, I've learned to say to myself: "it's not her fault." It calms she down faster and faster, the more I think that. Lots of prayer for patience and understanding. God has provided.

Half the time my mother thinks I am someone else and talks bad about me (her child) to this other person. I just let her say what she wants and then change the subject. It's tough in the moment sometimes to know what to do, that's why I appreciate these videos so much. Stay strong Caregivers, it's not easy but when our people are gone I'm sure it will have been one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives.

I came to this video just wanting to learn, I didn't expect to cry when Bailey said "You will always be my dad." I don't think I could've kept it together the way she did.

Thank you for sharing this great video! I learned a lot by that lady’s example.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful example of meeting your loved one “where they are”. The thing that I noticed was Baily’s father - he was very articulate and talkative. But the important lesson is the way Bailey responded calmly and with love. That’s what we as caregivers need to strive for - making them feel safe and comfortable around us. Before I moved my husband to long term memory care, it became to hard to continue taking care of him without injuring myself b/c my husband kept falling and was incontinent everywhere - as he was falling. I was in tears and I said I just can’t do this anymore! He said he agreed. He was scared and I was a stressed out hot mess. I didn’t want his last memories to be of me to be negative and not feeling loving toward each other. Now that he is safe, well cared for, we can be husband and wife again, for as long as he remembers.

Wow! What a beautiful compassionate human, and wonderful daughter ❤️

My beloved Dad died recently. He had dementia pretty bad, was in a nursing home. He couldn’t walk anymore. He was 87 years old!

Hi Natalie. Again I had to watch it this morning. And I like when she said to him coming OK I’ll call you Scott. And she said you can call me Bailey. And then she said deal? My girlfriend also has FTD, she’s more advanced than he is, but yes you want them to feel safe. Yes I watched this for a second time. Got a little emotional on this one this morning. But the bottom line, it’s called ❤️ love

Thank you, Dr Natali, for all the wisdom and gentleness that you share and teach! I'm an only child and took my 89 year old mother into my home when she began declining dramatically 7 months ago. As a child, I was often separated from her for extended periods due to her mental health and poor functioning. Her odd behaviors and viewpoints have affected my entire life as well as my own mental health. I started out shorthanded: she denied her pregnancy (at age 32 & married). Forward through lots of family drama, I never lived with her after age 10. (Yes, yes, yes to therapy! I need more! Going soon...) I made sure we visited in person a few weeks each year when I grew up, until she could no longer travel. We missed each other, of course, but the ways we coped with that were different. I always sent current photos of myself and my kids, and had photos of her in my home. However, when she was hospitalized and I went to her apartment to pack up her things, there were NO pictures of me or my children in sight! I was so hurt! All the photos were under the bed in her big photo bin, nothing out to remind her of us at all. This was her way of coping, to not feel sad at seeing our faces. In talking with her friends and neighbors, it was obvious that she hadn't shown around pictures of her grandkids like women do, not even keeping out the album I made her called "Great-Grandma's Brag Book" when my own grandson was born 4 years ago. So her visual memories are few, and her vision isn't good either. It had been 8 years since we had seen each other when she began to deteriorate with dementia, but she recognized me immediately at the hospital when I arrived to rescue her 8 months ago. Bringing her from her apartment in Nebraska to my home in Michigan has been disorienting enough for her, and some days she's not really sure who I am. It was painful the day last month when we were visiting in my kitchen, talking about past family memories, and she asked, "Are we related?" But soon we were laughing and she understood "what a silly question" that was. Often she refers to me in third person, "I got this jacket when I was visiting DeAnna." But I know that's just her inner voice reminding herself of her history, grammatically correct in her mind. She's been open to talking about our different ways of using or feeling about pictures of people you love. Dementia is new to me, but psychology is not; we've made a lot of strides forward despite her changes and because of them. I know that no matter how small her world gets, I am still the only person who she trusts to care for her and manage her life. As my own children are participating and watching this big job, they are making plans and discussing my late years. It's great to know that all 4 generations around me feel connected with a bond that needs no proper name but love.

If only it was that easy, what do you do when your mother doesn’t know who you are and she’s angry all the time and shouting “fuck off piss off” and trying to hit us whenever we see her. Try that one and give me the answers 😭 please 🙏 My mother is so far gone and angry and violent all the time that she’s been given notice to quit her care home because they can’t handle her, she attacks the other residence at the care home and the staff. The last time I took her out for the day she chucked her food at me, lifted up her top and expose herself in a restaurant, kept asking strangers for sex, kept hitting me, kept removing her seatbelt in a moving car and hitting me, refused to get out of the car when I took her back to the care home, she’s completely unmanageable. There’s absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to calm her down. She hates everyone and doesn’t remember her family, she doesn’t seem to know anyone or who she is. 87 year old hells granny and completely different from the kind loving mother that I knew, it’s like something from The Exorcist! Some things you can fix but there’s nothing that can be done for my mother and I’m on the edge of giving up, we all are! To say that our family is desperate would be a gross understatement. Any positive advice other than giving her an overdose would be very welcome. Very best regards, Ray

He seems young to me so sad. I noticed he thinks his wife is his mother. The daughter did a great job of not trying to correct him.

I am never offended when my mum doesn't remember me. She knows I am someone who is connected to her somehow and that I am always there for her so she feels safe. I never force her to see me as her daughter.

OMG, Natalie and Bailey, thank you so much for this video!! My wife passed away a little over 5 months ago, but I still watch videos and take part in a caregiver's forum. There were 2 instances when my wife didn't know who someone was. One was with our son when he was visiting. She asked him where his Mom and Dad were. The other was when our daughter was laying next to her in the bed, talking to her. My wife started telling her about something Jennifer did. Our daughter told her that she was Jennifer. My wife asked why she would say that. Both of those instances seemed to be temporary. My wife passed from unrelated causes. When I watched this video, I had tears coming from my eyes. It was beautiful!!

The interaction between Bailey and her dad was amazing. I find insight in each of your videos. Thank you ♥️

I think this is wonderful , her dad also seems really connected and clear..more than most. Thx for sharing

At this moment, with my Mom ( 89 ) I would welcome her not knowing me. That may sound cruel. She has mostly short term memory problems and I am extremely patient - asking the same thing about 7 times in a row. I always answer her as if it the first time she has asked. But she has always been critical of me as being “ lazy “ ( I was depressed as a teenager, but that does not exist in her old Slavic world ) I am a mother of 4 and was a mother to my granddaughter as well. I was extremely hardworking and became an athlete as well. But 8 years ago, I developed a disorder called ME/CFS - unfortunately, no biomarker and not studied in Med school. For four years - from 64 to 67 - I was bedbound. To my Mom, laziness and no note from any Dr. - illness is invalid. The lectures I received and still receive are exhausting. I had to stay away for 2 weeks for my health. BTW, 8 siblings were all here at our lake from all over N. America. So no lack of help. Now if this were my sister or husband, I would find them not knowing me heartbreaking and I would be glad of these wonderful strategies. But at the moment, no. I have spent so much of my life being criticized, I could finally do without it.

I was trained by Teepa Snow and presented her training to hundreds of caregivers. I am a nurse and I was appalled to discover that these people were not given education regarding their loved one’s disease when they got the diagnosis of dementia. I was so happy to hear you voice the same observation. We educate immediately when a diagnosis of CHF, diabetes etc. Why not Dementia?…

I am glad you showed this video. It gave me an example. I hope she will come on the show!

Sadly, mom not only thinks I am not her daughter but wants me to show her my birth certificate because she is certain that I am an impostor who took her daughter's name and now wants to take everything from her. So she wants to report me to the police. She wants me to disappear from sight. There are no "warm feelings" about me.

Even on her worst days my sister always says she loves me after I tell her I love her. I agree totally that names are not important it's all about the feelings. You can tell her dad is comfortable with her no matter what she calls him. My sister uses very few clear words but today she thanked me for what I do for her. That was one of those golden moments I treasure. I wish every caregiver one of those moments. Thank you for sharing this was a great one.

I just experienced this exact situation w my daddy this morning. I went to fix him his breakfast and give him his pills like usual. He looked up at me and said,” do I know you? This is the second time he didn’t know me. Due to educating myself w videos like yours and other fellow caregivers , including this one w Rose and her dad, I went with him and said,” I’m Cindy, I’m the girl that takes care of you every day.” When he talks about his kids he names off all 4 of my siblings but leaves me off that list.😏 7:34

Totally incredible and sooooo helpful and needed to all care blazers, my thanks to Baily Rose and yourself. Natali, you ar3 a gift to my partner and me. M.G.B.

This was beautiful-perfectly done, with love, and with him and his comfort as her focus. What a wonderful daughter!

Love this video, l am just now learning how to do this. I have been applying what I have learned and I already see the change in me and my husband. See, I didn’t know he had dementia I just started suspecting it in January 2023. He has a Neuropsych evaluation in March.

It so helpful to me bc I've been a live in for an elderly couple both are 95, for about a year now, both in different stages. However, working a shift at a facility opposed to private, you have a chance to decompress,etc. However, when you live with them the son/guardian lives upstairs then their kids always calling. I'm a health care worker and I've dealt with caring for people with Alzheimer's/dementia but when the dynamic has changed because now you are close to them it makes it really difficult, but I've been doing really good and appreciate your videos if you have any advice I would love it

A nurse friend told me one time that dementia patients need 2 things: 1. To feel that they are safe in the right place where they should be. 2. To feel that they are doing the right thing. With my loved one, I spend a lot of time reassuring him that everything is just fine. He has not forgotten any bills or appointments (I do all the finances and track his appointments but he still worries).

I am balling as I watch this... thank you so much Dr. Natali and Bailey for sharing!!!!

I am reminded of the last time that I saw my grandfather alive. The room was full of immediate family. Was sitting next to him, holding his hand. His heartbeat got rapid and he was confused and asked me repetitively who was in the room. I went around and called out everyone's name. So, eventually, I responded that we were ALL family, and that helped him a lot.

I am caring full time for my mum in my home. Often she thinks I’m some other nice person who cares for her better than her daughter. Lately, she knows who I am, but is very angry even aggressive towards me because she ‘hasn’t seen me for months and I never visit her’. This mood/ state of mind is difficult to shift. It’s hard to take. Glad I found your channel 🌸

This video hit home because I know it's a matter of time. I call Dad daily but one day he won't recognize me.

💯in agreeance with what you are saying. I cried the first time my mum said I couldn’t be her daughter and she thought I must have been a relative. Devastating to hear and so so sad. My heart goes out to everyone in a similar situation.

I am uncomfortable with the notion that they forget who we are, as the video demonstrated, the dad expresses that he knows he has trust and warm feelings/ love for the person called his wife as well as this person calling herself his daughter. I've seen this in my own caregiving experiences. I tend to see it more that their brain no longer connects the right words with their mouths. I see recognition when I can guess or intuit something they are trying to do or what they want. I see recognition in their eyes even after they become non verbal. My great Aunt had that in her eyes before and after verbal as did my dad. And with each of the people I was ever in a position to care for.

I’m sitting here in tears because I went through this and fortunately or unfortunately what ever way you want to look at it she passed away I miss her dearly but not the dementia and cancer she suffered from

People may forget what you do. What you say. People will remember how you make them feel!

I am touched by Scott 's concern that he will offend his daughter.

Tonight for the first time, my mom said she did not recognize her own house. I know the day is coming when she will no longer recognize me. It won't be easy for me.

Thank you Dr Natali, a truly great look on how to do what needs to be done the right way. patience is the main muscle that us carers must develop, as painful at times as it is. we need to sow good seeds, that grow good emotion, not weeds. At times it is hard, but l remind my brain, time and time again. God continue to bless you and your team, and all the carers out there!

All this is just for that moment.The very next moment they forget it.

Bailey is my hero..

Great job of the daughter. Its really important that they feel safe and comfortable in caregiver's company. Super. Thanks doc. For sharing this.

Although I had experience caring for persons with dementia [including relatives] it was different when it came to my LO. Wish I'd had a Careblazers 101 class suggested the DAY diagnosis was confirmed. I have many videos I wish I could share

Beautiful.

Wow! What an eye opener! Thanx for sharing

The life lessons we learn with a dementia patient is priceless. It’s a total shift of paradigm .

That is an amazing insight. Thank you for sharing it.

Another thing that startled me about this video is that the man with dementia still retained enough cognitive ability to care about not hurting his daughter, who he did not recognize but felt warmth towards. My Alzheimer family member is off-on. Sometimes he seems to have periods of clarity where he is even able to thank me for helping him. Other times, that ability to "see" me is gone. I call this the child phase where he just expects me (like a parent) to prepare his meals and clean up after him, just as a child would, without any consideration for how tired or depleted that "parent" may be after a long hard day. I will have to seek out videos on audio hallucinations. My family member, always late at night, claims to hear people outside his window. Last night he came running out of his bedroom claiming that something had fallen on our house. I always truthfully but quietly respond "I did not hear anything". This usually does not stop the delusion. I don't feel it is good to support a delusion that causes him fear and upset. I got up at 6 a.m. this morning to find him in the backyard naked (another issue) with a binocular looking for dents in the roof tiles where this "object" fell on the roof. His mind even created the illusion that one of the tiles was dented (they are slate and slate does not dent. If anything, it would crack). But I looked where he pointed and said my usual soothing uncommittal "Uh huh" as if "Job well done". Now he is satisfied that he found where this mysterious object landed and can move on. I did not try to reason with him or point out that there was no debris in the yard. Such observations would just anger him.

Super smart, why point fingers of the missing accuracies . Just flow with the conversation .. sometimes dad and i have had such funny moments just connecti g and flow and eb of the lost word, misused words and it becomes humourous. No judgements just bliss

I wish I could have that conversation with my MWVD, but her aphasia gets in the way. Half the time I am guessing what she is talking about. Occasionally it is all clear, it makes it hard to know what she needs...

My mom thought I was her mom

I killed my mom by giving her an overdose of morphine and i cant live w this anymore i miss her so much i cant anymore 😔🥺😢

As the family caregiver for a family member with dementia, I came to the "she doesn't know who I am" moments from a far different perspective than most. This family member had a severe stroke 12 years before her dementia symptoms became pronounced enough that she did not know what our relationship actually is, and among the aftereffects of that stroke, she was left with moderate anomic aphasia. (This is a communication disorder where language issues center mainly around finding the right word for nouns, including people's names.) I have been her caregiver/health advocate/etc since long before her dementia became a big enough issue to affect her functionally. In more than 12 years of caregiving, I can count the number of times that she has gotten my name right (when not reading it from her phone's caller id) on one hand. The funny thing is? It's almost always a family name. "Grandma, Mom, one of her sister's names, etc." As with dementia, her mind simply couldn't pull the correct name. Before the dementia advanced, she did know who I was to her and often was aware that the right name wasn't coming out but she was unable to express it accurately in the same way that she was unable to call the dishwasher a dishwasher or the refrigerator a refrigerator. I very quickly accepted this, because getting upset with her over it would be like being offended that a paralyzed person doesn't rise to greet you. It's not that she couldn't be bothered to get it right or intended to give offense, the right word/name simply isn't there. It is only in the last 6 months or so that she has become unsure of our relationship and who I am. I think it has been easier for me to adapt to this than most, because the change wasn't so abrupt as it can be in most families. As long as the family feeling and trust that I am doing my best for her remain, I'm okay with that. It doesn't matter if she doesn't matter if she knows that I am her niece. It doesn't matter if she thinks that I am my deceased mother or her deceased mother. It matters that she knows that I won't hurt her, that we love each other, and that she feels safe with me watching out for her. This disease is horrible and confusing and frightening for anyone to have to experience. As long as I am still a source of comfort and security, we'll be okay.

I had that very thing happen to me: My partner has dementia. I'd usually go to her room in our senior care facility to pick her up for dinner, but she was already in the dining room. I kissed her as I was seated across the table from her. She was looking at me strangely, so I asked her, "Are you okay? What's going on?" She asked me, "Who are you?" So I told her, and related our short(at that time) history together. She still didn't look right, and when I inquired, came out with, "I don't know who I am, and where am I?" almost in tears, visibly upset. So I just matter of fact told her her name, the name of our care facility, and this is where she lived, and the number and names of her children, which she seemed to then recall, and was satisfied and visibly relaxed. We met when she already had dementia, and we seemed drawn to each other. I initially had a problem when she kept repeating the same questions over and over, but shortly realized she actually did not remember she had already asked that question, and I had answered. It took me a while to realize she was actually suffering from dementia, because she was very "normal," in many respects, and I started looking it up on the web, found Teepa Snow here on RU-vid, and watched a lot of her videos, which ended up being a high educational curve for me. I seemed to "get it" pretty quickly, on relating to people with dementia, aided by my own sort of matter-of-fact, pedantic nature. I just straight-up answer any questions she asks, as neutrally and as often as she asks them. We occasionally have problems, like when she makes a demand on me that I don't want to do, and asks, "why," and keeps repeating that cycle, and then I start feeling defensive, and it feels like we're arguing.

That was so touching.

I am so glad I found your channel. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a month ago, even though I have had an idea that she had dementia for a while, I needed ( and my mom needed) to find out from a doctor. It took quite a while to get her properly diagnosed. She also was diagnosed with Parkinson's

I really think she is wise. My mother wanted her baby sister to remember her, but she just couldn’t and so we agreed when we visited her we would just tell her I found someone you may know, but she is from your hometown. My aunt would get so excited and they chatted away about people they knew and no one was angry or hurt but enjoyed the visits. My aunt seemed to think I was her mom as I look like her and she died when she was around my age at the time. She called me mother all the time and so I told her to behave as I kissed her goodbye each time. These were visits they both could enjoy

There are situations where the caregiver is in danger. My husband was also able to articulate. But through hallucination became convinced I wasn't me. And became violent, demanding I leave. I had no guidance, probably made 100 mistakes. But navigating his anti psychotics & cardio meds, I did dance between the drops and seperated sleeping quarters, so we were able to maintain a relationship. All while eventually passing through hospitals, foreign aides & nursing home. I wonder who suffered more; he who was losing his grip or we who guesstimated hoping for the best! He was peaceful at the end and is still mourned over a year later.

My husband of 46 years does not know who I am, but feels very secure when I around. I understand it, and spend quality time with him

This is brilliant. So so helpful.

This is phenomenal! This interaction left both individuals feeling good and happy about their relationship. What a great demonstration.

Startled by how young he looked - handsome too. Very sad. This made it so evident that you cannot tell that someone has dementia. I am a caregiver for someone with advanced Parkinsons and Alzheimers. I am so accustomed to seeing a very deteriorating muscular and neural system that it has become easy for me to associate dementia with physical symptoms that are obvious to everyone. But this is so not true. I would never dream that a guy who looks as good as this man has dementia.

👏👏👏👏BRAVO‼️‼️🙏❤

Thank you💜

Wow

Did the very same thing with my sweetheart when he didn’t remember me. And he too was so sweet about caring about me and knowing he was safe. 🥰

😍💯 AMAZING!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE

So helpful! I’ve learned so much from you (and Bailey!) I understand that I have to leave myself OUT. It’s not about me. It’s about making your loved one comfortable. It hard work because we’re used to making everything about ourselves and not being selfless. Being selfless is be more like what God wants us to be. Thank you so very much, Dr.Natali, for all the help you’ve given me in my journey with a loved one that has Dementia.

Best advice I've heard in awhile! Bailey Rose really exemplifies what we should all be doing in that situation. Thank you!

Bailey Rose was absolutely awesome! Cant wait for her interview with you doc! You have so many awesome interviews but I have a feeling this one will be da bomb!! Ty for all you do for us doc! Many blessings to you and yours🙏💓🙏

Thank you so much, for all of the information it's greatly appreciated 👍 and very helpful

preserving the relationship is so important.... something i've always tried to do. On those occasions when my spouse doesn't recognize me, i take on the role of ... the friendly stranger. Often he drifts in and out of the here and now. so hard losing them bit by bit

My 94 year old mother has stage 5 Alzheimers and is now thankfully in a Care Home. We had a long hard struggle to get her there over the years because of her denial, stubborn attitude and complete refusal of all outside help. We went through the home carers, social services, outreach agencies and numerous assessment situations. After a fall and hospitalisation, mother finally was removed to her present care home. She has difficulty in recognising my children and does not always know who they are or their names. I tell her who they are and mother always hugs them and is grateful to see them. Mother knows she is loved by all her family. Their names are insignificant.

This is just the BEST thing Dr. Natalie! Thanks SO much for sharing ☺️

Is it possible to reach out to you in some way to ask a question about my situation? If that’s not appropriate, just let me know. Thank you.

Thank you Dr. Natali.... not there yet, but will remember when the time comes!

❤💕❤💕❤

My daughter behaves exactly this way. Thank you for giving validation of her technique. So reassuring xxx

I love this❤️

The relationship is still there. The names have just been changed.

Awesome!

I think that conversation with her dad was spot on. She did that perfectly with him. Like you said, you go into their world.

Lovely. I wish my dad's wife would talk to me like this. Instead, she gets stubborn, adamant, and scared.

Wow what a lovely 🥰 daughter so understanding 👍

Great video. Thank you!

Thank you, Natalie!

That was pure genius! 😃

This is so amazing! Thank u

Love this!!

Thank you so much! ❤

Thank you for this video. I hope to be able to apply these principles soon with my husband.

Perspective changes are a beautiful thing when they drop words of wisdom/knowledge to those of us who need it the most