Why Do I Keep Ruining My Friendships?

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Why Do I Keep Ruining My Friendships?
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Опубликовано:

7 июл 2022

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Комментарии : 156

@lifewitholliethegsp9203 2 года назад

We NEED more friendship advice for us broken people 👏🏼💖

@scullyfox4271 2 года назад

I don't like clingy/needy friends.

@purpleviolet207 2 года назад

Neither do I.

@sensimania Год назад

Me neither. They would need to have more friends (other than myself) in order to spread out the neediness. I'm not going to be anyone's constant 911

@nancyfancy1956 Год назад

I meet them like once twice a year they ain't mad.

@Anangelfromabove 2 года назад

She had an experience when she was young where she faced rejection. Her emotional response was strong enough to be branded into your memory so now to this day, she rejects before anyone can reject her. Totally understandable. I’ve had a similar issue but it started with being rejected by my mother. Now we are adults and are responsible to heal and to create that new reality we want that done bring in old emotional programs!

@Anangelfromabove 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 Yeah, I see his point but childhood trauma is where a lot of crap comes from, and he knows that. Not alwyas but it’s very likely.

@ineedhoez Год назад

Preach!!!

@KatieLHall-fy1hw 10 месяцев назад

I had a rejection when I was young and it hurt a lot (still does to this day) and makes me feel insecure. But thankfully my family had always provided me with lots of love for me just being me myself and I am always grateful for that

@rachelgooden9981 Год назад

I have a friend that I had to stop having. She was very good to me. Would do anything for me. Super helpful even if I don’t need help. But to maintain that friendship, I had to call and check up on her every single day .! She’s single and I’m married with kids. If she doesn’t hear from me, she legit malice’s me and ignores me. I was unable to bring what she needed to the table so I had to let the friendship go.

@rachelgooden9981 Год назад

When she spoke about drug dealers I was like /: what did I miss?”

@jones2277 2 года назад

i don't put much stock in friendships anymore. friends and family are not the same thing. you're there for "friends" when they're in crisis, but when you are, they are not around. family shows up though. they take you to the airport even though it's a pain and they drive you home after you have surgery even if it's convenient. friends drop you when you're no fun or of no use to them. the pandemic really solidified my feelings. now i have a few folks from school days whom i check in with now and then, but most people are just acquaintances. i no longer avail myself to them in ways i used to, and i expect very little from them in return.

@Matt-cr4vv 11 месяцев назад

That isn’t entirely true but it’s certainly possible. It all depends on the friends. I have two best friends who have demonstrated that I could call them anytime of the day and they’re there. So I hope you don’t give up on friends entirely but to each their own.

@jones2277 11 месяцев назад

@@Matt-cr4vv why would I continue to set myself up for disappointment? One thing I’ve learned is to accept people where they are and understand that everyone has their limitations

@some5794 3 месяца назад

@@jones2277the thing is that some people have the opposite experience. Their relatives don’t show up but friends have

@saintejeannedarc9460 Месяц назад

I've generally had far better friends than family, who will be there for me in ways that family usually won't.

@lmlmlmlm7627 2 года назад

I’m not sure if I’m over-coddling myself here, and I’m not saying that every moment and experience impacts adult life, but I remember some critical moments in childhood that have shaped me deeply. I remember a time when I was a child, and my mom served everyone including my older brother food. We were all engrossed in watching TV, so as an exception I asked my mom if she could serve me food too. She said you’re just looking for attention. To this day, I don’t like asking anyone for help/for a favour. It’s so obvious, that once a colleague asked me, why don’t you let anyone do anything nice for you. Others have said similar things to me too. Certain nicks and dents last many years.

@saintejeannedarc9460 Месяц назад

Why on earth would your mom leave you out and then castigate you when you asked for food, from your mother? That's harsh. I can see why that impacted you and stuck w/ you. You were singled right out and had it hammered into you that you could be humiliated and belittled for asking for a little tlc and help. You need to give yourself a break. Let people help you bit. The world won't explode. Next time someone offers something small, take a small step and let them. There is no risk when they offered. Start w/ that. Sorry that happened to you.

@mysterio1570 2 года назад

I got a lot of friends. I am very blessed. My Love relationships are where my angst is situated.

@ferngulleyhomestead 2 года назад

I’d love for Delony to do an episode on how to make friends! Recently my best friend of 8 years no longer values our friendship. It’s not the first time a best friend has quit our friendship with no explanation. It hurts so bad and it leaves me wondering what I did or keep doing wrong considering that I’m the common denominator. But now I’m in the exciting and terrifying situation of needing to make new friends and I really want to finally have lasting relationships.

@Joshmarmolejo_ 2 года назад

One episode a woman called in who was 37 and had no friends. John gave her good advice. I saved it to my favorites go back and watch it every so often

@jones2277 2 года назад

@@Joshmarmolejo_ link please.

@rachelgooden9981 Год назад

What happened?

@ferngulleyhomestead Год назад

@@rachelgooden9981 she got a new job and new friends. Started ignoring my texts especially anytime I’d mention hanging out. I asked her if I had done something wrong and that if I had I wanted to make it right because we had been best friends for 8 years. She said I hadn’t done anything wrong but nothing changed and I’ve finally quit trying.

@Matt-cr4vv 11 месяцев назад

I’m sorry that your friendship ended and I’m sure that hurts. I feel confident that you didn’t really do anything that caused it to end but more often than not people naturally grow apart as their lives change, often times not even really realizing that they’re growing away from their friendship and not doing so intentionally. If I look back at my life and make an honest assessment I am currently 29 years old and I would consider that I have had five true best friends in my life time. None of the prior four that ended in the sense of that level of friendship had any falling out or definite end and I’m still friends with all of those people, we just don’t talk all the time or hang all the time like we did in a previous time but if we are ever at the same event or run into each other it’s always like things are the same as they were for that period of time. I had a couple of best friends fizzle out because they moved away and maintaining that closeness is tough. Then I had a couple in high school and over time we just didn’t talk like we used to because of the drastic changes in our lives during the college years and beginning of adulthood. We never fell out from each other and still get along great now but we just talked less and less over time when our lives kept us apart and they ended. My current best friend I’ve hung around for eight years and the communication is still there but we live fairly similar lives so it’s pretty easy. But more often than not when this happens nobody truly did anything wrong life simply changed and that’s ok. It’s sad and you miss those people I’m sure but also keep in mind that your best friend probably still feels you’re her friend but possibly has had life change to where she can’t offer you the attention or time you crave from a best friend and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a good friend or person it’s just the difficult evolution of life.

@TheImperfectReader 2 года назад

I have felt that where I would start a friendship and groups and then they would go off with out me...

@bffoxjr 2 года назад

I've had to terminate friendships over the years due to toxicity and it sucks. The first one she described was justified. You absolutely need to end a friendship if the friend is making you unsafe. Sometimes a bad friend who seems good will take the mask off, you find out they suck, and you gotta X them out of your life. I cut out a friend I knew for seven years because he faked cancer (to smooth over another failing friendship) and tried to screw me over on a business deal.

@theshunnedBandersnatch 2 года назад

Yep, I agreed with the friendship she mentioned ending. She doesn't need to revisit that one.

@bffoxjr 2 года назад

@@LatterDaySteph_ I get that the term is WAY overused, but I can tell you didn't read further in my post.

@theshunnedBandersnatch 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 Yes, she was living with her bridesmaid and at least one other person; that other roommate was the one who got involved with drug dealers.

@ilai7893 5 месяцев назад

At its core, fear of loss is a terrible foundation for an interpersonal relationship. She's even preemptively fearing her husband will leave, and like John said if she looks for the cracks and criteria she will find them.

@starlingswallow 2 года назад

I used to wait for people to choose me, which a lot of the times meant that I was attracting toxic friends...I think they could _smell_ my low self esteem and people pleasing tendencies. When you work on your self esteem and build up your identity, just you, no outside influence, you get to a place where now *you* choose your friends. Having boundaries and speaking up about your feelings is huge ♥️ If you don't bring up to them your feelings, you rob them the opportunity to respond and that response could be great! And if it's bad? That's more information; maybe they aren't the best fit for you, and that's OK. You can move on and find someone else who is a better fit ♥️ I too had bad friends when I was 12/13 who lined me and another friend up as who they liked best. It was traumatic 😞 They weren't good friends. Full stop. You ARE worth being friends with!!! ♥️

@lynnebucher6537 2 года назад

Yes, toxic people can SMELL vulnerability and ate delighted to exploit it for personal gain.

@kcourtney6826 2 года назад

I’ve let go of friendships because toxicity or because I’ve simply outgrown them, It would be interesting to hear the perspective from her former friends as to why the friendship ended, I once met a girl who told me for some reason she couldn’t keep friends, after a few months of knowing her I realized how manipulative and insecure she was and I ran for the hills.

@LindaLiang 7 месяцев назад

BFF is a toxic expectation. We think once a friend, forever a friend. It is far from the truth. Things will happen. Some people come to us for a season. Most do.

@timewithoutconsequence4611 2 года назад

I appreciate this question. I’m in my late 30’s. Out of my friend group, I’m the only one with out ever being married or having had children. Around my earlier 30’s I noticed less and less contact. I was no longer being invited to get togethers. They all got into youth sports and that became there lives. I felt left out for so long. I still have times where it hurts.

@timewithoutconsequence4611 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 You see this a lot. Some people cannot be alone.

@melissam7067 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 Nope...give it a few years and you'll realize that some of your friends are stuck in pretty bad marriages. Not necessarily abusive but that the couple aren't on the same page. About half of the marriages I know of aren't working out. The other half are. Get some other friends who may be divorced or never married, or who are married but who are willing to commit some time for a friend.

@snOags 2 года назад

Thanks "time without consequences" for sharing a bit of your story. You are not alone in case that's any solace. I wish you wellness and connection

@jones2277 2 года назад

this is why a lot of adult friendships don't persist. your lives are too different.

@ineedhoez Год назад

Fearful avoidant attachment style?

@GodiscomingBhappy 16 дней назад

this is so validating. Truth is that when we are in the process of healing and we are evolving we are bound to be shedding people that no longer resonate with you. If you live a very different life (ie they are lawyers and you are a farmer or if they are married with kids and you are single without) chances are that you will end up alone.... and hey!!! that is ok, embrace your individuality and rejoice your courage to dare to being unapologetically you. I have done that and i thank the Lord daily. The right people come when YOU are ready. Keep healing and love your best friend, YOU.

@kylemedeiros6907 2 года назад

What a phenomenal response John

@TheImperfectReader 2 года назад

Why is there a drug dealer that knows where you live ....

@signalfire15 2 года назад

I have a core group of girl friends that I have known and sustained a friendship with for 18 years (since high school). We have all moved to different states, gotten married, etc. and our friendship still remains strong. I think that people need to understand that a friendship is a relationship... with a friend. It functions in the same way that any other relationship in your life would function. The only difference is that there is no legal contract or blood binding you both together. It's a relationship that exists entirely based on CHOICE, so you have to continually make the choice to stay or to exit. I chose my friends and I love them. I make an effort to sustain our friendship because they are too important to me. I value them all as individual people. I feel like they are worth fighting for and the bond that we have is worth fighting for and keeping alive. So any time we have problems or disagreements, we talk to one another and we resolve it because I'd rather go through the painful, awkward conversation than lose someone who I value and whose presence in my life I value. I think we have a delusion that friendships shouldn't be as hard as a relationship with a spouse or child or sibling or parent, and that if it's hard, we can just walk away. So most people will. But friendships require effort just as any other relationship in your life does and the amount of effort you are willing to put in is directly related to how much you value the other person and the bond that you have built.

@jones2277 2 года назад

that's beautiful and rare.

@rachelgooden9981 Год назад

How many in the group ?

@signalfire15 Год назад

@@rachelgooden9981 4, including me.

@saintejeannedarc9460 Месяц назад

Friendships require grace and forgiveness, and just being willing to take one for the team and let it slide. Just like marriages or family. They are always going to get on your last nerve at times, and you will to them. Really good friends can laugh that stuff off though. Once you get past those times, they can be your funniest shared moments.

@ISEEKSPACE 7 дней назад

This is beautiful sentiment, but with the stresses of every day life, folks not dealing healthily with their issues, etc. alot of us get caught in very toxic friendships with people because in relationships rarely do you ever have a giver and a giver. You are blessed to have that reciprocation. A lot of us struggle with the giver/taker situation and it's quite draining. There also has to be similar goals, aspirations, dreams, etc. When you have a group of people that all want different things, it gets complicated because one ends up either changing for the other or bending their ways or trying to keep up with the differences and it can become overbearring. So I agree with you in everything you said. It's just most of us are truly not there and we're exhausted half the time because of it.

@lodz8666 6 месяцев назад

I needed to hear this more than anything else I have ever needed in a long time

@Wendywolf8 Месяц назад

More friendship questions please!

@paulb1383 2 года назад

This is great advice 👏 good insight and like the analogy of skiing..

@destinyimani Месяц назад

Man I needed this, this was some sound advice. 🙏🏾

@briannaware1424 2 года назад

Why was this so lifechanging? 🤯 speaks to my self-sabotagery

@gammayin3245 2 года назад

*So* appreciate you!!

@lizaw.7313 2 года назад

I d go back and tie those ends to the important friendships you had. Just for your own peace. Also establish your boundaries and deal breakers in general for people before you go into the relationship. When you come to a point where something bothers you in a friendship, you have to address it if you value that friend.

@FamilieVideos86 19 дней назад

This was very very helpful.

@jodiandrews6807 2 года назад

That husband voice 🤣

@salaltschul3604 2 года назад

I'd wonder how much of that relationship with her best friend of ten years was just her perception. Was her friend "taking over" or was she trying to be useful to her friend in such a stressful situation? How much of this is reality and how much is self-fulfilling prophecy?

@Buzzy-bm6bv 3 дня назад

You have a great podcast and thank you for edifying many situations from a therapists perspective. What amazes me is the lack of insight into the dynamics of many of the friendship losses. I understand that there are many aspects to the dissolution of any relationship, but for me the primary one is lack of communication on either or both sides. The woman on your podcast states that she decides, one day, to dis invite your bestie to her wedding. I am going to assume that there were many micro issues that arose over the past few years that bothered her that she did not bring up with her friend. If these issues are not brought up, they pile ontop of one another and fester. One day there are so many things that have not been addressed that despite the foundation of love and caring between the two, the stench of the the festered pile of resentments and hurt get to be too much and rather than dissecting the ‘pile’, they discard the relationship. That, to me, is her part in the issues she has with losing friends. But that is just my opinion. I am in a 40 year relationship and the hardest part of that has been ‘effective’ communication, where I know myself enough to understand what the issue is, to present the issue in a way that does not cause my partners walls to come down, asking them to repeat what I said so I know they understand and doing the same when I ask them to respond to what I said. But as difficult as it is to do all that, it is harder to end a relationship out of fear of doing those things and starting over, just to have the same thing happen again in a new relationship. It’s really an ‘inside job’. But that is just my perspective. Thanks again for your shows. I learn a lot from them.

@random-nz7dy Год назад

It's a subtle thing but it's kind of cool to hear John say that they had to reshoot some of the call. It's not that they're trying to manufacture the person's concern, But you want the question asked for the podcast in such a way that it's clear to listen to the story and follow

@ISEEKSPACE 7 дней назад

Lately, I find myself getting into a lot of arguments with my friends that I've known since I was a kid because I've started standing up for myself more. It's ruining my friendships, but it's also showing me that I am a stage in my life that if you don't respect my boundaries, if you're going to abuse my friendship with you because you don't reciprocate, if you're not gonna respect my time, then you're out. I'm feeling very outgrown by my friendships and they are crumbling. They're just not healthy and it's not okay for me anymore. When you're the constant giver in your friendships, and they see the moment you make a brash change about you and you're met with hostility and criticism, run from that. They don't respect you.

@Morenita570 6 дней назад

My friendships changed when I realized I was the problem by not knowing how to be a good friend. I have an older sister and 3 girl cousins so I already had backup girlfriends and it made me a shitty friend. Now! I have to beat friends off with a stick. My brunch card is full. Also, I’m a different friend to different girlies depending on their individual personalities and needs. So I know when to opt out also.

@kimberlyjohnson6052 2 года назад

So good!

@kablahj 2 года назад

Love the show i listen all day everyday at work

@JustinCase780 2 года назад

Andy, this is your supervisor. Please get back to your spreadsheets. Thanks.

@ithinkigottalent4047 2 года назад

@@JustinCase780 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@kablahj 2 года назад

Hahaha i wish i had a ac office lmao

@JustinCase780 2 года назад

@@kablahj But not with a nerdy boss constantly asking you about "the TPS reports" 🤣 "That'd be great"

@pamelathorne 2 года назад

@@JustinCase780 mm? Hi Pam, We'll be setting up for Serenity Dinner Night tomorrow afternoon at 4:30. We'll leave the tables up for Sunday but you'll probably need more tables than what we use. Please let me know if there are any issues I don't know about at this time. Dale Marsh and xxx aww n nu k. Nu u m a k s 2qMan??,,, !, mm?.m mm mm!,, A. Me. E. E. Ev. Mm ee em e e em w n eew mm . B mm. . Eqw ..w a man mm.. .w w . . .v.. b. S,,aazazaa,,m

@inky_fingers 2 года назад

Wow, the 10 minute mark was incredible

@QueenZsWorld 2 года назад

this is solid advice: how do you feel around them?

@evanl889 2 года назад

This is a call I dont really find the caller to be genuine. I think she is hiding something and just calling for reassurance

@passangdrema2596 4 месяца назад

Thank you so much though my situation's not exact the same but I think this will help me

@rebeccamaysonet1104 2 года назад

Oh my Gosh! It's like her story IS my story. I just cannot understand why all my friendships just end. Most, not in bad terms but they do end. And I do wonder if I am approaching them wrong, but also wonder if I choose "wrong" pple to be friends with. John's response helps understand that I do look for all of them to end- for some reason that I don't understand. Now, thank to God, I have the best marriage relationship that anyone could get and know we will be tight forever. But I do question like, if he ever dies- even if it's old age- or if I dye before him; like how devastated it would be for either one of us ... Funny, that I also grew up in a yelling household like her and always made to feel like an inconvenience to the adults in my life. :/

@rebeccamaysonet1104 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 I don’t think it’s too different. My husband and I were best friends for about 2-3 years before we started dating. I grant him all credit for our excellent communication and how we (he and I have learned) to handle conflict. He comes from a super healthy family that communicates and over communicates everything. At this point, I have also been working through my healing and finding out what is not normal and not healthy and working through a counselor. Which has made things even better for us. Now, I did pray a LOT in my youth and surrendered my will to God on the topic of marriage. And my husband is truly a gift from God that I get to experience daily. It’s mine blowing because I would’ve never considered him and would always look for men that were not good to me at all! And I was just re-enacting the broken cycles from my background, with mindsets of not good enough or like not worthy to be loved and respected and cherished. But God truly rescued me from that through my now husband.

@rebeccamaysonet1104 2 года назад

@@genxx2724 he is the only friendship that I have kept. And frankly, the o Lu friendship that I have. This is why I need to work on approaching friends.

@sweetpea2839 2 года назад

In my 60's my mom finally told me She wanted a son and she had been disappointed I was born a daughter. She said she loved me but I always knew there was something. That was it she wanted a son and thought a son was necessary for her. But that day she said, What would I do with out you?

@isay207 Год назад

Your mom's cruel and a jerk

@judyjerrell6563 2 года назад

I have a friend that hasn't talked to me in over 30 yrs but I miss our communication so bad.

@lmlmlmlm7627 2 года назад

Aww ♥️. Have you tried reaching out?

@judyjerrell6563 2 года назад

@@lmlmlmlm7627 Yes. I get no response

@lmlmlmlm7627 2 года назад

@@judyjerrell6563 sad. Is the person still alive? Any way of checking through common friends or acquaintances?

@judyjerrell6563 2 года назад

@@lmlmlmlm7627 Yes. He's definitely still alive but obviously doesn't consider me as a friend.

@judyjerrell6563 2 года назад

@@lmlmlmlm7627 What's the key to restoring our friendship?

@dianaprince7713 5 месяцев назад

Jordan, that experience at camp was traumatizing. It seems linked to familial experiences with your dad and sister by the same negative belief. I would guess the belief is "I'm not deserving or worthy" or maybe "I'm not emotionally safe in relationships." Trauma work can assist in helping you reprocess those experiences and negative beliefs. Blessings to you!

@ERNIE555 2 месяца назад

Most people are just self-centred

@dk1828 Год назад

Omg this is me 💯💯💯💯

@amiramahgoub 8 месяцев назад

I'm done with my friends, my family and relatives. I'm in one direction and they're on the opposite direction. They weren't happy when I choose my future husband, when I became Christian not even when I moved to another country. The answer always not pleasing me for what I choose and they think that I'm not wise to make these decisions. I am the problem.

@Matt-cr4vv 11 месяцев назад

She comes across as someone who may expect too much from a friendship which often can end those friendships. More often it’s not a nefarious ending but sometimes you have people who expect so much from the friendship that you either can’t maintain it and live your normal life or you keep being their friend but they perceive you as ending the friendship when you don’t give them the time or attention they expect from the friendship. She seems like she may expect a ton from friendships which may drive them to end or when people don’t give her as much as she wants uses it as her rationale to end things and self fulfill her prophecy

@FamilieVideos86 19 дней назад

Wow. Every word you said describes me and hit me right in the soul. 😬 that was very eye opening, thank you.

@andreanease4215 12 дней назад

Why do I get the feeling she approaches friendships as romantic interests?

@xreediculousx Месяц назад

"I'm in therapy" lmao

@Joenzinator 2 года назад

I have a problem making male friends. Every man that lives around me just wants to drink, smoke, and talk about sports. It's so boring.

@Matt-cr4vv 11 месяцев назад

Well it’s a commonly enjoyed activity for a lot of guys so it’s going to be tough to make male friends if you dislike some of the more common male interests. But obviously that doesn’t account for everybody.

@FedkaSlovanich 3 месяца назад

find a hobby and look for people who do it aswell.

@Amazigh_MaeMae 2 месяца назад

Might be the culture around you then. People can be different in different locations. In bigger cities youll find more alternative men.

@cloverlengocphuong2197 15 дней назад

video importee dans ma tete.

@24collin24Collin 2 года назад

Does this guy really hate on Baker but root for the most hated team in professional baseball???

@Georgemorales5559 2 года назад

There’s not such thing as friendship

@random-nz7dy Год назад

Definitely not the full story. So much we're not being told So you knowingly live with people who are involved in the drug business? I'm sorry but if you choose to surround yourself with people that are involved in selling drugs you are the one selecting for the chaos. This sounds like somebody who is basically setting themselves up for disaster and then when disaster comes looking around like "Woah where did that come from??"