Very true! But even getting to where we think we can say "no" is a lot of work for some of us! Sometimes we don't even see the option. This is where the course work can really help! -Cara@TeamFairy
What do I do when I consistently end up in situations where I believe I've politely said no, but other people insist that they had no idea that I said "no"? I can't tell if they ignored my no because it was inconvenient to them or if I'm actually being so polite that they don't realise I said no? Fwiw I find that neurodivergent people are often able to understand me just fine.
People have boundaries. The problem is that others cross the line so often and most of society has a monetary obligation to act like victims are at fault
This amazing woman is single handedly knocking down monstrously formidable prison walls and liberating countless suffering souls . I'm one of them . I thank God for her . And I'm unspeakably grateful to her for bothering .... Words aren't enough .
I'd never even heard of boundaries until about 5 years ago. Likewise, I had no idea that "feelings" could be felt in the body. I was 100% in my head. I'm slowly learning how to "listen" to my body's reactions. And, boy, it sucks because I know that what I now sense as emotional flashbacks were so intense that I completely blocked them from my awareness for decades. Looking back and realizing the impact of my childhood abuse is tragic. I'm actually looking forward to the day when my therapist can finally get me to cry or scream or any damn thing other than "Uh, uh. I see. I get that."
Sounds like you were in a survivor's mode and some of us are there for a long time. Welcome to a journey of real healing, there are a lot of resources available to learn more about the CPTSD condition and what methods have worked for many of us to feel liberated! www.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy
why dont you try screaming just for the hell of it? if you do it under water or into a pillow you wont disturb or scare anyone and it feels really good.
Yes! I just watched the video about trauma and decisions and was thinking about boundaries. Not allowed to have boundaries when a kid made me sitting duck for abuse and bad choices or isolation. Crap fit or loneliness.
I experienced a similar thing, I also was not allowed to have boundaries. Now as and adult I still feel like "other people" are "allowed" to say no and that their needs are more important, but anything I want or feel doesn't matter at all. Working on this but it's hard, it's been a lifelong habit reinforced by toxic family members.
This is not entirely true, as sometimes we can get “addicted to boundary setting,” as I like to put it, as a kind of control over others. I’ve seen myself and my husband “set boundaries” as a way to control eachother, and then violate eachothers boundaries over and over again. Setting impossible standards that others WILL violate so that you can become self righteously upset and leave can become a problem also
I had been working with a family and their kids with special needs. When an older sibling, who had anger management issues, was walking around with a hunting knife. I told the parents(my boss) that I did not feel safe in the home with these knives about. So they fired me. Although I feel so easily dismissed, I stand firm with that boundary!
Also, to begin with I found it helpful to know that if I said yes and did not want to I can go back, and change my mind. It is not ideal but the mechanism to agree is very deeply rooted and takes a long time to change.
When I actually really "got" that I could change my mind, my friggn' life changed. It took a lot of writing out fears to get there for me though -Cara@TeamFairy
Getting out of isolation is terrifying. My body gos into fight 9r flight when I'm around people I don't know. I still get incredibly nervous around people I do know. So much self consciousness keeps me away from everyone. I avoid friends. They get it, but its still not fair to them. Healing is such a slow, painful process. I shouldn't have waited until I'm almost 40 to do anything about it, but I had really given up. I've never had any positive support. So these videos most likely have saved my life. At least I'm trying now. So thank you very much.
Same here...I’m 45 and just figuring myself out after childhood trauma and 20 something years of drugs and alcohol. Thank y’all for making me not feel alone.
@@she_nola1759 I'm 65 and just stumbled onto this channel and am so grateful. I've been in and out of therapy, some issues are better but therapy never addressed everything. Her point that our brains were wired differently because of childhood abuse makes sense and better still, there is something we can do about it. I'm happy that I may still have a chance to get this under control.... Good luck on your journey Sherri, may we all find peace and contentment!
Yes! Learning to outright say "No thank you" is so empowering. I wouldn't lie about things (that's the whole problem) but having to avoid people who just take from you can run your life. A woman I know said to me "you dress like that just to go shopping?" (skirt and sweater and heeled loafers)... I just looked right at her and said "yes" and smiled :) She squirmed, not me. I avoided and hid from some people that live near me as they constantly hounded me to come to dinner. Finally I just looked her right in the face and said "I do not want to socialise". No excuses, just make a statement. Make them the idiot, not you. People in public ask "how's the family" I just say I no longer have contact with any of them- and interestingly people say how they always thought they were kind of strange. I am not going to lie for my family. And yes, I AM amazed by myself, increasingly more and more :)
I loved reading your comment! I can totally relate as I'm in a similar stage in my life. I got to a point where I had to finally set boundaries to my nosy friends who were constantly neding to find things wrong with my life. They judge everything including: I'm very happily single (whilst they are miserable in their relationships), I'm renting a condo right now instead of buying a house, or because I voluntarily left the corporate world and am making a comfortable living doing what I love, ...the ridiculous list goes on. And those conversations go like this: They ask a question about my life, then I would reluctantly answer them, then they pry more, then make a rude, judgmental comment when it was none of their business in the first place! So yes, I do avoid those nosy people, I just don't like being around them! And when that question does come up, I just say, "I'm incredibly happy!", and when they ask "why, did something happen?", I answer "no, I'm just happy!" and then I divert the prying and say, "how are you?" .....I'm just done with prying/nosy/judgemental/rudeness, and I'm absolutely loving having my boundaries for the first time in my life at 53! What a concept! 💞
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You go Girl! I love clothes and jewelry and dress up most days at the senior community where I live. Ladies ask me, oh you look nice, where are you going? Sometimes I say, 'no where-fast!' or if I'm doing laundry, or just taking the dog for a walk. I dress for me and 9 times out of 10, it makes me feel better. A baggy t-shirt and shorts don't do anything for me. Isn't Anna great?
Yes, I've isolated for decades off and on because of my CPTSD symptoms from a Traumatic Child and adulthood. Everyday is practice for me now. Things are looking up.
I find having boundaries and taking care of myself makes me attractive to healthy people. Trying to keep hard boundaries around toxic people feels exhausting. Keeping boundaries around healthy people feels good...makes me feel good about me and finally, it feels like people are actually interested in being close to me in a healthy, edifying ways.... Most excellent video CCF, thank you
Thank you for helping me understand how severe an issue this is with me. The things you mentioned up front, have you ever found yourself doing any of these things, I certainly think of done most if not all of them. Just to avoid dealing with people or feeling like I just can't handle any more of whatever may or may not be happening. I just feel like I can't handle a single other thing. Thank you so much for all of these and for the course, I'm taking it now and it's absolutely amazing and it's so good to finally know that it's not medication that's healing me, it's my therapist and your videos and courses along with a very good support system. I always thought it was something that medicine had to fix, and now I'm not on medicines anymore because I don't have to be and it's just outstanding. Thank you so much
I just went through this last week. I'm back in the game now though. Disregulation = lack of boundaries. I let people get away with things I wouldn't otherwise let them get away with. I hate to say this but I feel like hormones add to this problem. One week a month it's really bad.
So helpful and clear. Thanks, Anna🙏🏻 i have trouble w phone calls. In general. I found it liberating to allow myself to answer my phone if a friend’s calling but I don’t want to talk to say, “I’m just saying hi, wanted to hear your voice, can I call you back later?” Freeeeeedom, and let’s me still feel connected, and my friend feel my love and value for our connection.
Great video. When your parents have used shame to control your behavior as a child, then as adults, you have no boundaries. It's like the elephant that was conditioned as a child with a leash tied to a pole so it couldn't leave. But once it was an adult, the chain was removed, but it would not venture beyond the length of the chain it had during childhood. I think humans are the same way.
I love your videos and advice. I have isolated myself after a physical assault 18 months ago, I felt I couldn’t cope with anymore drama. Now I feel stronger to get back out there, however isolating has lost me friendships. I’m working on rebuilding my confidence and motivation to get into life.
It's weird how my poor boundaries put me in bad situations, then I continuously hint I am not ok with the situation... Then somehow it still feels hurtful and like rejection when they leave. It both feels like a relief and hurts.
I’m 44 years old and in the last year I’ve tried to start the healing process of sexual abuse, controlling and manipulative mother and being raped at 21. I honestly had no idea what boundaries were until maybe November. I never knew what boundaries were, that I should have them or not how to set boundaries. I feel almost embarrassed to say that.
You are authentically helpful! I'm glad to have have been brought upon this channel! Thank you for all your help!! I have never had boundaries with my now 90 year old mom because of her controlling, manipulative, neglectfulness from my childhood through today. Now she needs my care help and I remain fearful of her neglect, etc. from my childhood. I feel woefully obligated as she is my mother. I don't know where to begin with boundaries for my own well being while being around her wants or needs as she shows dementia with anger, accusation, and/ or forgetfulness of her negative actions. Yikes.
This is truly a great time to check out the Healing Childhood PTSD course, it can REALLY help you get through this period. Better yet, become a member and meet up with us to write/meditate and chat about coursework :) www.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy
Anna! Thank you for this amazing definition of boundaries. I had it backwards. I thought boundaries meant keeping people and things out. But I understand now that having good boundaries means being clear inside yourself about what you are and are not ok with. It was one of those moments when I instantly ‘got it’.
It feels like a result of the failure of my upbringing and not knowing how to be a person. I guess that's where boundaries are important but I guess I never understand what the boundaries are and what they even should be. Can you speak on religious trauma someday if you have a mind to? I think a lot of people probably struggle with it.
Yes, Anna would you discuss this topic of religious trauma? There's a fair bit of that out here in New England. Much appreciated. Btw I give homework assignments to my clients to watch your videos hahahaha
Awesome question thanks for bringing that subject up religious trauma has happened to me too a reason why I chose to disconnect myself from a lot of Christian’s I love God Jesus and Holy Spirit and at the moment God is healing my heart that “the church” couldn’t help with - these videos are also so amazing
I’m 60 years old and I am only just learning to say No ... my late patents stripped my courage to say No when I really wanted to because they made me feel guilty so much ...duty I guess .. WHAT duty, looking back there wasn’t any respect from them, just power ... I’d learned ( unfortunately) to bimble on and worst still JUSTIFY my reasoning... how controlling was that . Well, no more , if I feel No is my answer ...I’m gaining the courage to MEAN IT . AND NOT JUSTIFY XX 😚
It is NOT unusual for survivors of CPTSD to need extra help around setting up boundaries. The problem with saying "no" is sometimes we don't even see it as an option. I'm so glad you are getting more courage. There is more help at the Crappy Childhood Fairy community too if you need it bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy
Ok I signed up . First I’m doing the course on disregulation because I can’t connect when I disregulate. I don’t know where my boundaries are I only know they must be somewhere at the other side of disregulation
How do I know if i am isolating myself by saying too many no or too many yes? I sometimes don’t know because for exemple i have this one friend i always see face to face but i never see his friends any more who i use to really connect well with, and now i see him i feel depressed because of that. I already asked him where everybody was sure in a vague way because it’s a bit demanding. Also he knew i had nothing for the new years eves and when i asked him what he was doing he just told me he was « taken » Do I stop everything can we say this is a friend
I wanted to share that most of my life I had no concept of boundaries because my parents (especially my mother) did not respect boundaries. When I finally learned about boundaries and how great it felt to live comfortably, I realized that I had been invading other people's boundaries because the concept was unknown to me! I enjoy people, and they enjoy me, so much more now that boundaries come natural. It's such a more free and relaxed existence!
Oh good grief---that's me and getting worse! I don't answer the phone. Sometimes the door, I'm pretty good with email though, lol. But I don't blame others. Thank you.
I let a toxic stranger sexually harass me for months [ before I found this channel, thank you for doing this ❤] because I thought if I ignored it and politely said no he would leave me alone . It didn't work. I gathered evidence and eye witnesses and finally told HR , not sure what the outcome will be [ retribution? More stalking? ] but at least I took the first step !
Thank you for linking this in your video from today. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm having trouble with a therapist I've started seeing, about a specific issue. Last time we spoke, I ended up feeling far worse afterwards than before, so I had to look into why. After writing it out, I realised it was because she had crossed several of my boundaries. She'd said "I think you're doing X because of Y," instead of asking me if that could be true. It wasn't and I knew it so I immediately said no, that wouldn't be something I'd do. Her response was to laugh derisively. Typically, I froze. Earlier in the conversation she'd asked me what I do when I'm dysregulated, and I told her I freeze. (I told her about you, and how much you've helped me.) We've talked enough at this point for her to know what she assumed wasn't what I was doing, because I'd already shown her otherwise, which is why I wasn't prepared for this. There were a few other things, but that was the worst. No one knows me better than I do, no one is more invested in my healing than I am, and certainly no one is more responsible for it than I am. The purpose of this is my healing, not her imposing her erroneous assumptions on me and then not believing me when I tell her what is or isn't in reality going on. Between now and when we next speak, I'm going to have to write her an email addressing these issues, and then discuss it at our next meeting. Being someone who goes into freeze as a result of CPTSD, this isn't going to be easy, but it has to be done. I think we're not a good fit, and that her own unresolved issues are in the mix. It happens. I had to wait several months to see her. Because of Covid and many people having issues coming out of it, there's a shortage of therapists. But, better to go it alone, or not alone, because thankfully there are your videos, which I've experienced tangible results from in just a few months, than to try to "crap fit" a therapist, who isn't very good and will leave me, at least this last session, feeling extremely dysregulated when I felt fine and was making significant progress, before it. But, I'm going to use it as a learning opportunity to establish and maintain my boundaries and deal with the discomfort of speaking my truth. There's value in this.
He told me everything about himself. I thought it was because he trusted me and felt close to me. And I had told him things I don’t tell many people because I thought we had a special, intimate friendship. But when I needed him, I needed help and support, things fell apart. He retreated for a while and abandoned me when I was really fragile... then the next time I saw him he needed ME, and in my own people-pleasing way, I took him back into my heart. A couple months later, it was over forever. He claimed he never asked for all this love and caring I gave him, and that we were never even friends. When I asked him why I knew so much about him, he said “I’m pretty open” and “you were the only one there.” He was either a raw, open wound begging me for healing, or cold and distant. And right after things ended between us, the pandemic happened, and I’m pretty sure he’s all alone. It breaks my heart, but I’m caring for ME now. I created my very first boundary and it protects both of us from what had become a very toxic and imbalanced relationship. And the best thing was my realization that I could do that. So I started creating other boundaries, standing up for myself and my own worth. I hope he learned the same lesson.
I hear this. I repeated this pattern with a friend, and am now learning this for myself. Helping him, being available to him, getting nothing in return was replaying my childhood dynamic and felt good. It hurts to not be with him yet I know it's not good for me. I'm still working on boundaries at 52. It's never to late to start healing our childhood.
What a creep! And what a terrible conversation. So glad you got away and you’re more aware.your comment really helped confirm the times I’ve been in similar situations.
Thank you for the insight. I have been in a period of avoidance and isolation out of necessity (or so I thought). I didn't realize that my lack confidence in creating and upholding boundaries is what has been causing me to feel powerless. It feels reassuring to know that listening to myself and and expressing my boundaries is an option available to me.
I've been there,just within the past year I've come to realize that due to my being an enabler that most my life I never Spoke Up & that just caused all this resentment and anger.Nobody respected me because I very rarely demanded Respect.If we allow bad behavior..someone will for sure show us some
I've always felt so paralyzed by this🥺 I didn't know it had terminology and that it is a lot more common than I thought. I have always felt like such a bad person for shrinking away from people when I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with their needs. I do need more alone time than is probably healthy at times, and more so since getting out of an abusive relationship with someone with strong narcissistic personality traits. This is so incredibly validating, I'm so glad to have found your channel ❤
Why should I even consider having close to me people who are disrespectful or draining with their questions or rudeness, who I must protect myself against? People who really are suppose to be close to me are the ones who dont have a need to drain others for energy with their stupid questions and attitude. If I need to set boundaries it means that the person should not be in my life at all!
With CPSD, we often read situations wrong, send messages we don't know we are sending, or blame others when we are triggered and assume it is their fault. The list goes on in the various ways we set ourselves up. We learn a lot about ourselves as we heal :) -Cara@TeamFairy
They might have too much fear or resentment to appreciate others...we never know, it's a huge testament to these methods I take things so much less personally these days. -Cara@TeamFairy
It seems I am always working on not taking it personal I try to focus on my journey of Joy inside being the inner root of my doing or being nice ... detach then keep it moving these days it saves me from the burden of beating & shaming myself up.
I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I don't like confrontation so its easier to make excuses sometimes or ignore contact. Maybe something I need to work on. Thanks! ❤😊
For specific questions like that, email at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com, put 'Ask the Fairy' in subject line to signal you are interested in Anna using the question as a topic. -Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, this really shed light. I always thought avoiding when I couldn’t handle things or nosy topics *was* setting boundaries….and here you flipped it on its head and showed me how avoidance was because I didn’t know how to face those situations with healthy boundaries. I’m learning so much from your channel. 🙏🏻
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It has been immensely helpful. The problem is, as you gain clarity on your life, while the the cptsd trauma wasn’t your fault, it can feel really overwhelming to realize and take accountability for the dysfunctional relationships, the living in fantasy, the time wasted, the people hurt because of it. 🥺🥺🥺 I’m almost 60 but at least Im doing the healing work which your channel and courses are now a part of 🙏🏻
The only reason I'm isolated is because I worked and came home to my daughter for several years and now only judgemental people run everything and I can't find a job even though I'm capable and intelligent
What are some good standard boundaries to have? I know one I have is the fact that I’ve given up any and all alcohol for personal reasons and yet have a friend who knows why and still tries to convince me to have “just one”.
It's hard to have authentic connection when you are in a lack of boundaries of abundance of comparison. Expecting things to be another way keeps us from being what we are.
That is rarely true for me these days, but I've had the benefit of these methods. I'm so happy to say that I rarely get completely blindsided anymore. -Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy only recently I am able to see but still not as quick to recognize that it was triggered. Very nice to hear from you directly. Glad that there is hope and it can definitely change for the better.
Feels like getting more unbalanced when creating boundaries. Never did did so somewhere in my brain they looking for some unused connections 😄 But it's causing stress and "fog" also 😐
It can be disorienting at first to try something new, it brings up a lot of fear which is why we encourage everyone to do the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy
Hello miss fairy. Wow the freedom of it all in standing up to being me with practicing my awareness of telling the truth and the rewards of self care & respect. Thank You ☺️.
Ok but that's only helpful in concept... You didn't share anything practical for implementing, cuz Lord knows it's way more than just saying no... Maybe in fairy tale land all you have to do is say no, but in life a no is often met with pleading and guilt manipulating. It's either lack of acceptance the moment the boundary is drawn or they flat out disregard the boundary and then I have to parent full grown adults, by trying to come up with consequences. It's exhausting. People just don't respect boundaries. I need a sniper team to pick off all the violaters one by one.
That's the precise time when fierce boundaries are called for. Not mean, firm and unyielding. Someone in these people's lives, maybe you, maybe many someones, has taught them that if they wheedle and beg or run over others, the boundaries will fall, and you'll do what they want. Boundaries are ineffective without consequences. Consequences can look like even firmer boundaries, or like changing the subject, or like directly calling a person out on their manipulations. They can also look like leaving-- a situation, a relationship-- when the other person's behavior doesn't work for you.
Anna shares a lot of practical methods through different videos and of course, in her courses. There is also a free mini course bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy
I have a question: there were some people I used to be friends with who were always moping around, complaining about life, clearly were anxious and depressed, and when I tried to offer them help, they never wanted to actually go out and seek it. When I was around these people, I felt like I had to "mother them". I feel gross even remembering those people because they were so childlike and yet didn't want to seek help. I cut off ties with them, but when you mention that 'not picking up the phone when a depressed friend calls and pretending you didn't get it', it made me think, to what extent do we have to hear depressed people talk about their problems when it burdens us? I don't mean to sound cold and heartless and I was diagnosed with depression in the past, so it's not like I've never been through what they're going through. However, when I was depressed, I eventually stopped moping around friends and family and got serious professional help. I don't feel guilty not picking up the phone anymore to a miserable person who asked for help but never took the advice...am I supposed to feel guilty?
I had the same questions when I heard that bit. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to summon that "emotional bandwidth" required to take in and sit with a friend's emotions and dark times... When it happens, it's hard to justify (to them or even just to myself), especially when my own anxiety, tiredness or depressed mood doesn't seem to have obvious triggers or reasons. I feel selfish or weak, when they're facing what seems worse than my own situation. I think the best (for me) is to try to assess my capacity at a given time and try to tell myself that it is what it is, feeling guilty about it won't magically make me more able to help. Actually, burning yourself out trying to help others when you're in no shape to do so is not the best way to help them anyway, it may even make things worse. So I try to focus on that instead.
In this example, Anna isn't referring to a friend who is a huge burden and taking space is more in line with a boundary, she's referring to when WE can't show up for others because of CPTSD -Cara@TeamFairy
@@lasphynge8001 I used to think that and still feel that way at heart, but lately I am starting to realize that support means showing up for others even when I deem the situation difficult or stupid or tiring or etc. I let down a few people by shrinking away even from major events, because I felt I did not have to participate in all the pretense and all the celebrations that are just facades (in my eyes) and later realized that people I love got hurt by that, so I learned a few difficult lessons. I remember never being able to emptionally depend on my mother, and I conscioulsy work on not emulating that. Being all the time preoccupied with my issues and fears made me seem quite selfish to others,when funny enough I feel I am a lot more sensitive, kind and caring than most people I know around me. So now I have decided that I do not judge, I do not allow my mind to find excuses, I simply show up. If people are important to me I listen to my fears, but I still get myself out the door and show up for the other person. I do it for them and not me. Of course I only apply this to people that I value and I wont ever be able to socialize 24 hours, I need my quiet time. Strangely, I originally decided to do this so I will not let others down due to my fears/sensitivity, but this decisison has started to make me more determinded, calm, clear and even more sociable.
@@11eve I agree with you. In fact, now that I'm reading this thread again, I probably didn't express myself very well... Don't get me wrong, I do show up for my friends when they go through tough times and on important occasions, as much as humanely possible. I just mean there's a point where I get overwhelmed and burn out. Just to be clear, unlike the original comment, I don't think people just oughta quit "moping around" or snap out of it or anything among those lines. Some things just can't be helped, shit happens. I don't resent them or judge them for it, I'm just saying sometimes... I'm ill equipped to help. And by that I mean I have had friends with chronic depression, BD, DID, childhoods marked by abuse that qualified as criminal (just trying to avoid triggering words here)... in contrast my own CPTSD, the emotional abuse I went through seemed like nothing, and I felt for them so much. So I showed up, day after day, sometimes even in the middle of the night, I listened, I tried to help... but at the end of the day there was a point where it was eating me alive, I heard all kinds of really dark things every day, my mind was infused with it, I worried all the time about them in between calls/contacts... And it's terrible to collapse on someone who needs you, but helping someone with real serious issues requires a lot of strength, and although my issues were less than theirs, they did make me fragile. Even professional therapists keep it within a timed frame and a setting they can pull themselves out of (and I'm sure even for them it can sometimes be hard not to bring any of it back home). I was just a girl with no particular knowledge or training in mental health, with my own issues, I was personally attached to those people... I did my very best, but I was not superhuman, and I had to come to terms with that.
People are just plain triggering. Yes. But not that i blow people off. Cause i ridiculously accept EVERYONE. But people are triggering. I know what to say to folks, I learned the long hard way and mostly jn 12 step program that had actual healing. But nobody pursues me and the one family i am jn touch with has zero boundaries. Simply not the emotional intelligence and awareness to understand boundaries. Sad. I would Love love love to have the opportunity to establish boundaries and yet, have others stick around. Right now, there is no opportunity. Well small ones w strangers. I want connection. I want connection. I fumbled around trying to figure it out. No chance. I love your take on responsibility boundaries. I’ve accepted so little. Now I know a great way to phrase why during cancer treatment my brother and his family were no show. Why when we had appointments and family was no show - responsibility boundary. I am glad to name it.
I'm confused about myself. I have a 103 year old step-mother who has been so good to me. She has paid mega-buck for my teeth. I don't call her despite friiends asking me about her. I bullshit. I do care about her but I don't follow through. Why? I am ashamed .
Ok it's all my fault hands up, I'll be glad when I'm dead life is not for me no one understands or try to so I'll help myself and everyone else by leaving,I've had enough!!!!!!
Thanks SO much for this. I've had this in Watch Later for a while, and I listened to it on a day when I just need to say no, not today to someone else.
The problem with people pleasing is that you want to please them and you reluctantly agree to something but most of the time they aren't even pleased because they don't even care that much. I'm currently in a situation I don't want to be in because I couldn't say no. It's nothing too bad - organizing an event, but I'm so angry at myself. I tried to bow out, but then got persuaded... Just couldn't say no. And I know if I did nobody would care much and it's really optional and that the reason I agreed was because people were trying to be supportive and tell me I'll be alright and they'd help etc. So i can't blame them for taking advantage or overstepping a boundary. It's just me and my inability to say no.
I hear you, it can be incredibly difficult to say no and create healthy boundaries, but it is absolutely worth it to work on healing and learn to break that pattern. I'm really glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy is there a video you can reference on ways to say no? Im serious. I need examples for my social toolbelt. No to food your host presents to you when you’re vegan, no to dates you no longer want to pursue, no to a variety of life situations. How do you let people down gracefully, to hurt feelings as little as possible, but honor one’s correct, and healthy boundaries. It’s a muscle I need to build.
My Mom understands that I need boundaries but my Dad is still struggling with this..... He thinks he can help me with anything but he cannot help me with this and he has to accept it...
Could this also be related to introversion? In other words, could someone call themselves an introvert and be using it as an avoidance defence due to poor boundaries?
Sure, many might be doing this but not on purpose. I used to think I was an introvert too, but only because I didn't understand my fearful condition. -Cara@TeamFairy
