Why Perfectionism Isn't Perfect -- and How to Overcome It 

Today on, "my doctor and I were blaming these on OCD and anxiety," followed by my bitterness that said doctor refused to test me for ADHD when I first learned about hyperfocus and connected it to my whole childhood.

YESSSSS

I thought it was common with everyone... turns out, not really.

I always thought I was just trying to make my single father Dad proud. only child syndrome I thought. I was always called "gifted" but none of my other "smart kid" friends had this need to be perfect to the point of neurosis. phew! I'm learning to control it really well now. it feels so much better learning to just be done instead of perfect.

Oh goodness same here

Michael Austin yes yes yes! I couldn't agree more.

Me too

I cried too. She is so helpful. ♡

We all do, fam. *gives hug*

Me too

Best comment

Same. The last time I drove a car was years ago.

same..

I have Autism and just feel too afraid of failing or doing things wrong cause I fear there'd be serious consequences if I DON'T do things perfectly.

Quite literally for me, personally, as it has prevented me from getting my drivers license 😅

BringOnTheRainxx3 Amen. You are not alone!

that's not perfectionism, that's competitiveness... watch the video again or look it up on wikipedia.

This video screwed me up man. I never knew I was a perfectionist

SAME. If it looked like I had no chance of even making it worthwhile, I wouldn't even try. Yea, that could be seen as competitiveness, but I'm not even competing against myself or anyone else. I'm competing against an impossibly perfect goal at a finish line that is not even two strides away. If I doubt my eventual finish will happen (even the tiniest bit), I'll quit. I'd think there's no use trying when I won't even make it.

---"---

AnXplodinTurtle TY for that quote... I'm keeping it with me from now on.

That's a great quote! A friend of mine sais that if you bail, you actually fail --> bailing is failing If quitting (on beforehand or early) feels like failing, then going through something even if it doesn't go well, feels a lot better then quitting all of the sudden xD

I've never heard that before, but I love it. Gonna make that my new motivational self-talk!

My Nan who also has ADHD always tells herself "good enough is good enough" and when she sews she constantly reminds herself that she is altering a pair of shorts not repairing her daughter's wedding dress!

You have no idea how much I needed to hear that! Thank you!

TheXPGamers ditto!!!! Thank you for battling your perfectionism in order to share this much needed info and compassion with so many who are also struggling.

Wait! What r you doing here? Shack?!

Agreed !

Agree with you, after 7 yrs from ur comment.

How are you doing now, Mariposa and Floyd? My church teach that, but it does not feel like I am enough at the moment.

I just lost mine last Friday. I know how you felt 3 years ago.

I regularly put my foot in my mouth and let something snarky slip before I can stop myself (if I'm stressed). There are times even being perceived as likeable by your co-workers and boss isn't enough to stop you getting fired if your impulsivity is in control. It can be kind of scary feeling that out of control but I'm learning to find ways to put the brakes on.

yuuuuup

Hannah Rose Sooo many auditions I've rehearsed for, then not gone to because I feel afraid of failure. I regret it afterwards but I can't do it when I'm standing outside the audition door

Discovering (and actually believing) that you're absolutely OK like you are is one the most terrifying, impressive and worthwhile things you can do :) It took me 23 years of not feeling good enough at life and a good psychologist but I can finally (almost always) see it, and now I wish everyone knew this about themselves.

Hannah Rose when I was directing a short film I literally said do it again and get it right. I'm fine

@@arianna93 I wish I knew this about myself. It does hurt, sometimes but I don't think anybody can see that.

Pretty sure people w ADHD underthink everything, and risk takers.

Well i kinda over-think like a lot of things.

Yeah that's not true Langini

With me it depends on if I'm excited/anxious. If I'm not I will take my time and overthink things and not act until the time for action is long over. If I'm anxious though I''ll jump head first into a situation that I'm already in over my head.

Helao Hangula - both depending on the situation /task! It may be more one or more the other for different people, but for me and a lot of ADHDers (I think) it can be quite strongly one or the other depending on the circumstances. I think for me, knowing that I have a tendency to do things impulsively on some occasions, makes me more anxious about not repeating that in other circumstances and therefore overly cautious + more perfectionist in other situations! But for me it mostly depends on the nature of the environment /task - I tend to kinda go with the flow of the atmosphere in an exaggerated manner - so if it's a busy, social, active situation, I'll act quickly and without thinking more than others. But if it's more of a quiet school/work environment and tasks require sustained intellectual effort, planning and organising, I'll overthink everything and struggle to even get started. And especially if there's underlying stress and pressure to get things right, if there's an element of being judged by others - like a uni essay that will be marked, high stakes assignment, work/public presentation.. then the overthinking +perfectionism+anxiety loop kicks in and I'll struggle to get started, as the task becomes so stressful and anxiety inducing my brain will - impulsively - drift into procrastination, until the intense pressure of the deadline kicks in with motivation based on an even bigger deadline stress + cortisol+adrenaline, at which point I'll work at it in hyperfocus mode for say 12-24hrs straight - or more if there's still time, but usually it's past the deadline at that point, as the last minute motivation usually kicks in a bit too late to finish a big project up to a standard that my perfectionism can accept - So then, either the pressure of deadline wins and I force myself to hand in something that I hate and consider unfinished or turn up and have to wing it in the presentation, and will beat myself up over how terrible it is and how I failed to start earlier to get it to a better state that I know I could; or perfectionism wins and I'll continue working on the thing, overthinking and re-doing minor details past the deadline - meaning I'm either late with the assignment and get penalised, so the perfectionist effort didn't matter anyway, late to work /late with work stuff and told off by boss who doesn't care about it being done "perfectly", or I miss the thing altogether - like fail to turn up to a presentation /event completely or fail the chance to submit an assignment/report altogether - and then beat myself up over my perfectionism and not just submitting something "good enough" /turning up on time and also for not starting earlier! For me I'll act more impulsively and end up acting in ways that are risky in situations that are more stimulating, physical, relational and very actively engaging - so mainly social situations, busy environments/events, physical activities - where by the nature of the situation I'm more likely to act in the spur of the moment, e.g. I'm more likely to get really heated in doscussions, end up unwittingly interrupting people or blurting out things I shouldn't have in a busy social situation, without realising end up having too many drinks at a party and stay out too late even though I promised myself I could only have say 2 drinks and have to go home at 10pm, cuz I have work next day.. but I'll act without thinking in the fun stimulating environment and end up drunk at 2am and missing the last train /bus home - as such, unwittingly, putting myself in a risky situation. Or say I'm sightseeing /hiking - I'll get so excited about all the new things /views I'm seeing, I'll push on seeing more /going further and forget about the time /fail to calculate how long it'll take to get back /to the transport (my ability to predict how long something will take is generally waaay over-optimistic, but it gets worse when I'm into something) and say completely miss a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the other place I was planning to (I still go, but It's closed already or dark) or miss the return bus/train/plane or end up out in the mountains in the dark... So next trip I might overthink things beforehand and spend the whole night planning /preparing /packing (too many things) and either then be super exhausted and not enjoy it as much or fail to go altogether, as I spent so long planning, that I missed the latest train to set off! So both impulsivity and anxious overthinking are a problem and get exacerbated in different situations, though sometimes also kinda drive each other too.. Btw currently I have a big essay deadline for tomorrow morning and I'm really anxiously overthinking the essay, so it's so stressful my brain impulsively runs away from it and so without thinking I've just spent 2hrs watching RU-vid videos about ADHD and then on impulse started writing this comment, but then also started overthinking and re-wording it and adding more details, meaning I've just spent about 55mins writing it, when I should be writing my essay!... >_

+Wawa agreeeed

Meditation is helping me with this. It's no magic cure, it just helps me let go of anxious thoughts and find something deep and still and calm and happy inside. I started out v skeptical too

"My issue is that I've started to equate stress with success." OMFG THIS statement hit me like a ton of bricks!!! Totally how I have been living my life!

+David Gomez I really needed to hear this, thank you

So true!! However, in regards to the clips under a certain time, is that finished the video in the week? or the amount of time the video takes? Cause I really love how she keeps her videos short. Cause ADHD is a thing🤣🤣 but I totally agree that the limit shouldn’t be forced! Especially if you didn’t ask for it!

@@HowtoADHD not sure if you mean how long it takes or how much editing is needed. If the former, I refer to the saying if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing it right but I would modify to it’s worth doing it justice. I feel so lucky to have hit on your channel (Thanks RU-vid algorithm for not sending me another cat video and something useful instead, although I do love cat videos. I digress) If the second, I really like the length of your clips because I’m less likely to switch over to comments and space on what you are saying. However, I also really appreciate when you go more in depth in a topic but in steps, multiple videos, because yours are easy to find, often linked, and it gives me built in brain breaks in case I go hyperfocus.

I'm 31 and just learning what exactly it is I have been dealing with my while life....

@@cesarv337 hear hear. Same here. 31 and getting my official assessment in a few weeks. 100% sure I have ADHD. And because of this fear of failure, I've simply stopped growing as a person. It's horribly crippling. :(

I'm 12 and the hardest part for me is forgetting to do stuff and procrastinating

@@humairahkazi2459 thankfully you can find lots of helpful ways to give yourself reminders, just keep watching this channel. and as for procrastinating, Jess has a video on that as well - remember that we still tend to do really great work at the last minute! so you might feel like it's a struggle but you can learn to do a little better. a little tip I taught myself in college - especially with papers, break things into steps! break your paper into parts, decide how many words you want to make each part, and take it one section at a time. it's a lot easier to write five little papers that go together, than one big paper. ♥ I hope it helps! you got this.

@@delulululululululu thanks. I'll give it a shot!

Bay Laugh YES! Exactly!!!

Also, even though perfectionism is stereotypically associated with OCD, it's not actually a common symptom. The idea probably came from some common coping mechanisms people with OCD exhibit, like repeatedly washing their hands or constantly double checking things

writing over a 1k word essay several times to get a perfect grade :( why did i subject myself to this. ohh well atleast i'll be the best in my class... after i redo several more assignments and hand them in late

BayLaugh Animations me too

Also, there's a TON of overlap between ADHD and OCD. They are often diagnosed together.

That's a fair point. I've had to go without meds before too. Tell me what your biggest challenges with it are and what you'd like people to understand :)

How to ADHD, I appricate you getting back to me. Please give me a little time to think this over... as you can imagine I'm over thinking how to respond and I want to make a simple break-down of off and off. The surprising part is its not so simple!

i get addicted to things easily so i tried to stop using em for 2mths. didn't end well almost repeated the 9th grade

Aimee Gray I was undiagnosed for 34 years, on meds now for a year and it has been life changing, so I understand your living vs. existing comment. My ADD medication is expensive, but my first step was an antidepressant, which is cheap and just as important. It's something I could (and do) pay out of pocket and it keeps me better equipped to approach my ADD symptoms with self-awareness, which is a huge help. Do you have healthcare yet?

How are you these days? TOTALLY understand the "living vs existing" point, and well said. I have trouble staying on insurance because of ADHD mistakes (or sometimes lose the slip of paper in the 2 hours between dr office and pharmacy!😓) It's been amazing to find that I'm not alone! Anyway- sorry- got off track! Point I want to share with YOU - I went without meds for a painful bit, then FINALLY asked how much $ my scripts would be (have 2). One of them is very surprisingly NOT TONS of cash!! So, I can get that one at least, if I've an insurance gap. That way, I can function at least well enough to deal with the mess! Just wanted to float that for you, and anyone else that might stumble on this here. Hope you have "LIFE" again!!🌄🌄

What was it like growing up in your home. Did your parents or caregivers value a super clean environment? Were you punished for not keeping your environment super clean and rewarded for when you did? I’m asking because I can relate to being a perfectionist in cleaning and when I was young there was a high value placed on a clean environment and I was rewarded (praised) for doing my part. I actually quite enjoy cleaning as a result, and I can relate to feeling that no one else ever seems to do it quite well enough.

@@UrbanomicInteriors My environment was very dirty and unkempt. I think I'm a perfectionist to make up for the environment I grew up in. However I avoid cleaning whenever I can and let things pile up often...

aww thanks Michael!!

also anyone else catch themselves constantly rewording everything, even youtube comments?

I do this but I don't find it a bad thing. I guess it depends if it's coming from anxiety or a desire to say what you mean clearly. I guess it depends on how much it gets in your way also.

Yeah I'm not sure either, it definitely has it's ups and downs like most things end up pretty clear and concise but it does often result in things taking a fair bit longer to write :p

That's exactly me since i work at an engineering firm and i have to do things fast and accurately. Can get stressful.

TOTALLY. This is part of the reason I decided to quit graphic design. After 15 years, I have barely moved at all in my career and I know its because I take too long or make too many mistakes trying not to take too long (and therefore am too costly and/or risky to employ). I found another career path that's perfect (pun intended): Audio/Video tech! Since its technology and not design, it either works or it doesn't, so there is not much room for excess perfectionism especially since you usually only have a couple hours to get everything working. Plus it requires thinking on my feet, adapting to different working conditions and equipment with every project and the end result looks and sounds super awesome; perfect for my ADHD brain (urgency + novelty + interest)!

+Paige Heartly OMG CONGRATS!!!! :D

Nigtmaredemon Get over your fear of failure and you'll soon have a problem of being too inspired. Your friends will call you manic but really it's genius :-)

You're not 'lazy' you are struggling with motivation. That's normal for people with ADHD. If you have ADHD you may struggle with starting and finishing things. I'm experimenting with using music or the radio to help me make transitions. It's not a moral failing. We just have less activity in the part of the brain that kicks us off and keeps us going. People who don't get it may call us 'Lazy'. But we can work really hard on something that interests us. : )

Kimberley Downing Thank you for writing this! I always just keep feeling guilty and pressuring myself and then end up doing nothing and feeling bad about it.

@@ephemera... How is that working for you, Kimberley with the radio and music?

Check out procrastination on Ted talks not same thing or here ...

Kaitlyn brady she did a video about fidget toys! check it out, it might help with the leg shakes. :-)

Kaitlyn brady Also, I have what used to be called restless leg syndrome, but I've realized lately that it's just a part of my ADHD. My soon-to-be-ex-wife hated it when I kept moving my leg. Of course I didn't know at the time that it was what was helping me concentrate... if she knew that she might not have minded it as much...

Michael Z Rork I used to have that too and I became really annoying because I would wake up and all my blankets would be off my bed and I had a hard time falling asleep.

Michael Z Rork Ot doesn't mean I have ADHD...does it?

SoccerIsLife a not sure, haven't actually checked with a doctor 😬 (yikes) just in assuming since my dad did and I do what he does

I just forgot to put on warmer clothes because I was freezing, yeah I got distracted from writing a long comment

Campbell 08 you posted that so early you didn't watch the whole video

+Hydrodragon28 I can still see some of it and relate to it

Perfectionists fail just like anybody else that is why they feel like failures when they do and somebody has to remind them that they are enough. Check out this perfectionist personality type. Can you relate? www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/Type1.html Howie Mandel has ADHD and OCD and this is his personality type: www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/Type7.html

I just saw a few of your video. You lipsync with perfection to where it look like you are actually the singer who is singing! Keep up the good work! They do that in Bollywood movies! The actors don't sing their own songs. You are as good as they are.

I am wondering is that why it is hard for me to make videos except when I am too crazy too care (with low iron).

THIS. AND THEN WHEN YOU SEND IT AND FIND A TYPO, YOU HAVE TO SEND IT AGAIN WITH THE TYPO FIXED UGH

Chase Tullos SAME

Me too. My depression also manifests as irritability.

I recommend the “Matthew McConaughey - This Is Why You're Not Happy” video. It’s actually a lot more positive (in my view) than the name implies. He asserts that happiness is external, but joy is internal. He suggests that we can find what brings us joy by first avoiding what isn’t healthy, and then by choosing and living by our roles and goals and values.

Hmmm... perhaps? Do you have the Perfectionist personality type? www.fitzel.ca/enneagram/Type1.html

Do you have the Perfectionist personality type?

kozzybd sorry XD just happend to already be here =P

Ruslan Kostenko You should see a doctor and ask them if you have it.

Only a doctor can say whether or not you have ADHD- if you're concerned about if you have it, then go and see a professional :)

can i do that without my parents nowing? im 15, i can drive to a hospital or whatever, but will my parents have to be there? can i just ask them to talk to a doctor?

You can go without your parents if you'd feel more comfortable that way- likewise, you can go with your parents. However you will have to see a doctor either way- your parents can't just go to a doctor and explain it all for you.

KalicoShark ik man, im just wondering if the doctors will say that i have to come with an adult or i have to show id or something, or could i just talk to a doctor with out them asking all those questions?

I will try

Time Leaper it's not. It seems to have a genetic background in which the brain has trouble focusing. And I think all people with ADHD get the "you need to try harder" treatment. Because we have good and bad days, people will point at the good ones and think you can work that well all the time, which is just not true.

Take it from me who actually has ADHD, ADHD is a disorder where it makes it harder to focus during everyday activities, also usually if you have ADHD you also have something like insomnia and sometimes depression or anxiety. And ADHD stands for Attention Defict Hyperactivity Disorder. So it is basically a disorder that can be caught by anyone at anytime, which is bad because then that person won’t be able to focus without paying for a prescription which is about $240 but in the bright side having ADHD also makes it so you’re super creative. When I stare off into space I’m just staring at a wall but I’m thinking about tons of cool stuff like becoming super man (it doesn’t matter that I’m a girl and I want to be super man ok?!) yeah so basically if you have ADHD it’s super hard to focus