Why Trauma Bonding Feels Like Love 

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how does this phenomenal woman hit it on the head everytime. the examples she gives are always so simple yet poignant

The most valuable thing Dr. Ramani has taught me is trauma bonding. It helped me break away from my abuser after 2 years of outright confusion as to wtf was happening.

At first it feels like love then it begins to feel like danger

Inner Child fantasy. Often Inner Child seeks redemption. As a result we attract what's familiar.

When the narc is a parent, we have to stay, at least until we are old enough to leave. But likely the trauma bonds are so strong, and we are so brainwashed, it takes decades to figure out and escape.

You stay because you’re desperate for love, don’t know what it isn’t, and are too exhausted to leave😂

In a dating relationship, I have a hard time understanding trauma bonding. I grew to strongly dislike the narcissist I dated because of the (you guessed it) terrible way he treated me. He was a narcissist’s narcissist. Lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, gas lighted, raged, dominated-you get my point. The best day of my life was the last time I hung up the phone and decided I would never talk to him again. I can honestly say I have never regretted my decision. Life with him was hell.

After a lot of time passed without contact, I finally broke the addiction to the husband narcissist. It is now like I never knew him at all. I certainty never loved him, but I was definitely addicted to the source of my torture and chaos. I thought I deeply loved him then but it was only a hard-core addiction. 😢😮

Everything she said is absolutely correct. I see these behaviors repeatedly with individuals in toxic relationships as an adult mental health case manager. Workshops like this should be across different platforms (school, work, church, etc.) to help people be aware and break free from abusive relationships.

The good stuff lacks depth, but the bad stuff goes clear to the bone.

Omg! Yes. The superficial stuff! He takes me to concerts, vacations, cruises, expensive dinner... without me asking for a thing! But there is no emotional connection. He is very immature. And then when we fight that is all he talks about! All the good things he has done for me. Yes, the why do we stay! So confusing and exhausting!

In his words 'free meals + f****s' laughingly and in my mind's eye, something felt off. I began getting chest pains in my efforts to remain by him. He was slowly destroying me, making me own his anxiety to his own convenience. He announced the end of the/our sentimental relation several times, wanting to break my self confidence. I am a strong woman. At first I stayed for 2.5 months, and slowly created distance by 'no contact'. His acting, panic crises and refusing to discuss anything became too uninteresting to want to be around. Yes, he blamed everyone but himself. And, he expected me to pursue him. I often felt manipulated and punished. Then he began downrating me in public. We were quite different. He was agnostic. I was brought up with strong Christian values. It hurt. But I left and sent his key back. By registered mail. Now he can continue smearing me. But it is becoming clear to everyone's eyes that he is lying. I can't help him.

So true! Glad you said about the superficial things then the worse stuff, Gaslighting, EXPLOITIVE, Trauma Bonding, dehumanizing. Well said!🔥🔥🔥

Comes in all forms of relationships, friendships as well as romantic and family relationships

My dad married a narc who’s turned him into a shell of his former self. He deserved much better but he’s so codependent I can’t help him. If I do he lashes out.

A SHORT means someone chose to cut up the original interview. However the explanation was very clear why they stay, but to use Dr. Ramani's word, people stay because the narcissist OR toxic person "gives you enough good days to confuse you and enough bad days to break your heart" the CONFUSION is why people stay. I'm speaking from 14 years of experience. Also, she doesn't label EVERYONE a narcissist. She made it very clear in ALLLL of the many full interviews I have watched, narcissism is a PERSONALITY style, just like my personality style is AGREEABLENESS, which made me a great target for people like them. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS, like a person being given a (Major Depressive Disorder professional diagnosis) after multiple therapy sessions with a trained professional on NPD. There are more than you know out there and social media and Covid just exacerbated it. Watch full interviews of her if you truly want to understand what YOU'RE going through and not care so much about the "SUPERFICIAL" stuff, such as what correct name is giving to those people who make or have made OUR LIVES HELL.

I didn’t really blame myself. I definitely did listen to what he said, and made changes that I thought would make him happy. I had seemingly endless forgiveness for his abusive behavior, the mental and verbal garbage he threw at me to see if something would stick. One day if realized that even I have a limit and told him (kindly) he could work on his problems without me as his scapegoat. I did it! His response was a juvenile and vile smear campaign birthed in his delusional mind. Backfired on him, he’s alone and I’m free from the abuse, free to be me!

I wish I had someone to talk to like Dr. Ramani. She hits all the right points. I’m definitely going through this right now and it’s affecting me terribly.

I felt like I couldn't live without him. It felt like an addiction, not a good intense need to be there it was more like I felt pure panic when I wasn't with him.

Thank you for this. It took me YEARS to recover from every type of relationship even the one with myself. Was so good when i realized it was me i had to forgive FIRST and let everything and everyone just GO AND FOCUS ON MYSELF. ✨️ 💯 ❤

Yep. That's been me and why I'm single- again. However, I'm now in the learning stage and finding why I've done the "stupid" things I have. Why I've been divorced 3 times. Now, I'm just finding who I am and regaining the fun things that make me feel alive again after 20 years.

I think admitting to myself this relationship was not what I hoped it to be was very difficult because than it's so disappointing. They keep asking for chances and you give them because you hope for a different outcome. But in the end it will just burn you more.

As someone who is currently working to break my trauma bond this hits spot on! Your videos have helped me in so many ways. Thank you so very much!!

He would always find ways to screw things up ,like vacation. Everything was about being 'cheap' about everything but what he wanted / his needs . His behavior affected my relationship with my family

Very true! I have never fully witnessed this until I moved next door to what appears to be TWO trauma-bonded narcissists in a dysfunctional relationship. At first, being a writer of fiction, I was fascinated. Then I realized I was getting sucked in, caring about them too much. That’s another hallmark of a narcissistic relationship. It’s like a vacuum cleaner:sucks in everything around it. Just say “No.” There’s nothing you, the observer, can ever do. So stop observing.

You describe the process so well… My love of life has become the light house leading me safely away from rocky shores.

They stay because that’s the language of love they learned from the narc partner. If the day starts off fine, then it goes volatile, break up, yell, then hit, run, chase, make up, have great make up sex. It’s all they know and thinks it’s love and acts of it too.❤

I have family members in this situation. Their relationship is very pretty on the outside, gorgeous home, travel, abundance but if it all went away it would be chaos😮. I don't want this for myself❤

I stayed with my ex reason number one. I did love them and I couldn’t let them go at the time. However, when I was able to let go, I did it came down to it was them or me and I chose me. It was not easy but I did it, thank God thank you for all your wonderful videos

I feel this... I'm trying to break this cycle currently. I have definitely used the few good moments to make myself stay.

Yes! Mine was exactly this to a T. He would even bring me flowers if I was sad, then purposely start an argument later which would make me feel worse. I realize it was a manipulative tactic to make me feel a little better then kick me while I was already down so I’d end up feeling much worse. And the arguments were always blamed on me, even if I was the one saying “Just stop it”… Like you said, superficial “good” things but very detrimental bad things.

Man! I’ve been unlucky with relationships & friendships for a longggg time. My narcissistic sister, father & mother ruined so much for me. I feel so heavy & lost my sense of self to be honest.

Thank u that's my family and my whole life. I am an empath and that's what they like about me but they hate the fact that I am not a people pleaser. I don't even understand why I am still living with them 😅 TRAUMA BOND

That's so true, bad is deep and good is superficial. One might go on a vacation and have good time but not help you in time of need. While doing bad, when they manipulate you, they take away your mental capabilities. In good relationships, bad is things like conflicts or anger but those things don't hurt you or take away your capabilities. And they will be there for you in tough times. So basically good is deep and bad is in acceptable or bearable limits so essentially superficial.

It’s hard being so accepting, understanding, and compassionate of people and their trauma (because you have trauma yourself) while not getting taken advantage of .

yes DEHUMANIZING !! AT THE CERY LEAST OVER 39 YEARS WITH COVERT NARCISSIST !! LOST MYSELF !! BLESSED NOW

Oh my wow!!! This is the EXACT description of my first serious relationship 40+ years ago. The longest relationship of my life, unfortunately. It messed me up for decades.

Yes. You explained very well the trauma bond I am living.

I need to keep listening to this. Otherwise I miss him and want to see him again and for what,?

I’ve not heard the term Trauma Bonded. We had been through so much Trauma, I thought there was nothing that could break us. Then 47 years together he wanted a divorce . I said he never got over the death of his father in a landslide. He broke down sobbing. Trauma bonded is real!

Whenever I hear someone talking endlessly about their partner’s ‘tough life’ (victim story) and how ‘they are the only one the victim has…’ it always makes me wonder if they stay with the victim out of actual love, or…more out of a feeling of obligation? Anyone who tells you that ‘you are all they have’…is laying a pretty thick ‘life line’ (trauma bond) to keep you from ever ‘abandoning them’. Your job is to ‘save them’. Very manipulative. 🚩

Just explained why I can’t leave. I’ve been here so many times and I thought this one was the one. But it’s turned out to be the same, and the good stuff is all superficial. The bad stuff is gut wrenching

So painful to stay and hard to get out of. But so freeing when you do. ❤

I was so lost until i discovered Dr.Ramani and her healing group and videos. She is amazing and a life saver.❤

You are so spot on. I am divorcing a narcissist. Three yrs never ending. He wants me to live in the streets. Aweful human beings

She's describing my relationship today

I'm currently in a vortex of confusion having just broken up from a narcissist and in less then 60 seconds she restores the peace in my mind! Thank you Dr. Ramani

My neighbour who iniated dates with me, said that she had a one night stand with one of my best friends after my birthday party, because of a trauma bond. A few days before my birthday party, she said "I'm evil". I figure I ignored many more red flags

This is one of the most incredibly accurate descriptions of what I went through.

Thank you! Yes our good times were superficial stuff only. None of it is on the same level with the physical abuse so none of it lessens the trauma and damage caused.

The best short on this topic i have ever seen. It has helped me to say 'enough is enough'. Thank you.

I cannot tell you how much you have helped me in the past few months since my therapist showed me your RU-vid videos. I’m still just on the edge of learning and it’s still extremely confusing. But I have to listen to you every day to not ruminate about my grandiose, narcissist, husband. I moved out for months ago and filed for divorce and he just got served today. He’s still trying to Hoover me back. 90% of what you say. Applies to my husband. Thank you thank you thank you.

The impact of fairytales (Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, etc.) and other forms of media needs to be mentioned. All of this stuff trains girls from a young age to associate love with chaos and exalt the superficial aspects of love, such as a lovely wedding and going to a ball together in lovely outfits. So many women, my old self included, believe that it is love if a man is paying your bills, taking you to dinner, taking you on holidays. Wrong… that’s usually a man who is buying you as if you’re a shiny object, and you can see this instantly from how most men treat their codependent partners - cheating, scapegoating, abuse… oftentimes these women are not even treated as partners but manipulated into being mistresses strung along on the side. You can’t really blame us girls for falling for it when we grew up watching how Cinderella gets saved from slavery and poverty by the Prince instead of saving herself and has her perfect “happy ending” (it’s never shown how he treats her behind closed doors! Funny). Our culture sends a deeply rooted message to women that true love is not only shallow and superficial, but that it’s also a codependent trauma bond, rooted in dependency on the man and a rescuer / rescuee dynamic. This couldn’t be further from true.

I got stuck for 32 years with Ms. Jekyll-Hyde; tried every way to make the marriage work and function properly. She made things worse and it never got better. Get away from toxic Covert Narcissist immediately. Its not worth your life to stay around such a person. I did not know I was “Trauma Bonded” until after that Dark Nightmare of a woman left my life. Sucks! I’m still recovering.😮

Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash

I’m realizing I stayed bc I accepted how I was treated as it mirrored how my mother treated me. Indifferent, annoyed. This is how I was treated in my relationship. Once healed, it was no longer acceptable to me. I used to think it was almost endearing, but actually my ex treated me terribly when it got bad. What I was losing wasn’t worth the ok parts that kept me.

Reminds me off my marriage. The bad was extremely bad, the good was all for show and superficial.

she genuinely has saved me from a cycle of torture

I feel free by finally figuring this stuff out after 15 yrs. Can't imagine what it will feel like after the divorce is final. I'm a 37 yr old man n fill almost like a kid still. My wife has never let me grow. Every idea or plan for this family has ended in an argument n my submission to make the arguments stop. I'm looking forward to being on my own but also somewhat scared. At this point, there is no turning back! I know the truth now, and I'm done with this relationship!

I feel this! I love how she said this.

Dr Ramani has been a great help in my healing process.

It hurts to stop But I really HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY

I think I’m in a trauma bond. His Trauma, which he projects onto me in the form of lies and “not now, later when you’re good enough” .

Spot on. She knows what she’s talking about

The basis of the confusion is not recognizing it for what it really is because the victim has never experienced real love in their upbringing... so they wouldnt realize the fake acts of affection are not actual love. I know Im paraphrasing all you say Dr. R.... Thank you for spreading this important info!

I was the one that was abused! At the time I just accepted it and overlooked red flags. During our 30 year relationship we grew and had great accomplishments!!! Looking at it from the outside I understand and empathize with her trauma and struggle and pray for her to heal her past trauma that was the root cause of her toxic behavior. We are only as sick as our secrets! STAY STRONG snd good luck on your healing journeys🙏🏻

This is the pinnacle of all analysis on narcissistic relationships. No real connection, just superficialities.

Even though I didn't buy into my histrionic malignant narcissist mother's beliefs or way of life and I was public enemy number 1 for not affirming her every lie....It has taken a lifetime of untangling and worth every second of it.

My ex 20 year narc told me that a little nice and then a little mean keeps the caregiver(me) confused. So it’s definitely an intentional act.

Wow. Long time no see. You! You have opened up. So wonderful to see a caring fearless teacher. Congratulations!

Wow this hit home. The good days vs really bad days. Where you think and you’re actually blamed and gaslit for the bad days. It’s your fault this person got angry and broke through the bedroom door while you’re trying to protect your child as you’re being attacked then dragged down the hallway by your hair. It’s your fault that happened to the next level where it didn’t happen or it’s twisted where now you’re the aggressor and picked up a 400 lb man and dragged him across the floor as he’s trying to protect your child. And other people now believe his story! This atrocity being that being the beginning to many other examples of abuses in front of your child. So now your child believes you’re the 125 lb aggressor and maniac dragging and abusing their father. You are looked as a mental illness case.

How do we really know what real love is if we lived in this chaos for most of my life. I don't even know what to do with myself now that I know this. The comments you speak of, is real. Confused is exactly on the mark.

Yup! That's exactly what it was! 🎯 And ESPECIALLY when ones been either, intentionally or unintentionally, groomed, so to speak, to such unhealthy dynamics...

Dr. Ramani is the best there is at explaining this dynamic and all dynamics of narcissism 🙏

I have OCD and one of my themes has to do with fearing that I am manipulative. How do you know for sure if you have trauma bonded someone? Not as the bondee, but the one doing it

Ugh I always knew I was trauma bonded to my husband and it’s hard getting out of this 😢

So true! You’re absolutely right

Holy moly. There’s actually a name for my past relationship!

Spot on. You have nailed it dr Ramani. Exactly the case.

I was born into an abusive narcisisstic father. The dehumanizing, exploitative, He disowned me when his second wife invited me to live with them when I was premed. After one day there he went into the garage, He was in there with the car running, fumes permeated the garage and were coming into the house. I know he was being manipulative, from a lifetime of evil actions. I was headed to open the garage door, he busted out of the smokey gas vapors. He immediately said, "Did you think I was killing myself?!" I stayed contained and gave a blank stare. He reached out to grab my forearm and with severe pressure he tried to break my arm in half. I have no idea how I stayed calm and direct... I said " Let go of my arm. I Will count to 3, if you don't let me go, I will call 911." He let go and yelled, "Get out!" I immediatelly packed up and left for good. I was 23 years old. I have continued with sick toxic partners. I had 2 beautiful near marriage boyfriends...I couldn't trust it was real or long lasting. Now my father is turning 95. I labeled him as Archie Bunker's evil twin. He was a functional alcoholic. He decietful behaviors were endless. the list is too long to share now. I asked if I could visit and have a end of life chat. He refused. His wife (9 years older than me) said he refuses. She said she will notify me when there is a funeral and I am invited....I do all sorts of self help: meditation, Buddhist chanting, Gabor Matte inner child work, Crappy Childhood, Yoga for physical relief from the tension. I have had 3 different cancers, Severe brain tumor, end stage melanoma and early detection breast cancer. I am NOT going to take or live this toxic evil authoritarian narcissistic programming. I pray and read thee bible daily asking for removal of obstructive beliefs, negative relationships, self sabotage, sugar binging and lack of exercise. I am a retired Primary Care Nurse Practitioner (30 years). I want and need to close the doors and windows on this abusive connection My father is going to die sometime soon. I keep handing him over to God my Beloved Father. This spiritual

🎯 distinguishing between superficial and fundamental is important.

My Fearful Avoidant Attachment Trauma Style, his Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style. I only felt worthy of love in small in small itty bitty amounts without emotional support, without the security of knowing he'll be there for the tough stuff, without being cared for in my deepest darkest times and illnesses or worrying he'll leave me for being a burden, just like when I was a small and helpless child and my Parents were too bothered or busy to care for me no matter how much pain I was in, I took care of myself and when possible my younger siblings too, or I laid there alone and tried to disconnect from my body so I didn't have to feel the pain.

You stay because you hope.

Interesting analysis. trauma bonding, addiction. Real statistics show that one out 4/5 woman have BPD, so this is a big area of study.

People stay because they are afraid to be alone. Narcissists manipulate in the end because they are afraid to be alone. See the pattern?

Dr. Ramani breaks it down all the time! ❤

You're so good Dr Ramani!

Mam uh deserve the bestest n the greatest award that exists fir doctors 🥺.....u all the great honour ..thankuuu so much 😭 for your all sharing that u do. N your work n knowledge n this clear understanding of the monsters 😭

He moved in and has told me what he will do if he has to move out. Never let someone move in with you. If you move in with him, you can easily leave.

This video is right on the money I went through it for nine months One solution and one solution only no contact get out as fast as you can and don’t look back

Your video long ago got me out of a narcissist relationship. Your advice was to get out and I did. I’ve never looked back 5 years later.:. Thank you.

Yes very good explanation.

I realised 3 years ago that chaos was more attractive to me. Once I did, anytime I feel a high from a situation or person, I back away. Ive also stopped alcohol, again this for me was a chaotic high I needed to leave behind.

I was in a trauma bond and there was even barely anything superficially good now that I reflect and I’m outside of it.

I love you! On target as usual! You rock on so many levels!💝💝💝

Hit the nail on the head..my last 14 years. I am in therapy now, my husband has been gone a year, said he is coming back..no thank you! I feel sorry for him, but I am so desperately trying to find myself. He has always tajen..still asking me for money. My sister outright told me they were together back in July..definitely, he was with another woman...I just xant..I said to him, why would you want to come back? He hasn't answered. The thing is, I do not want him back..I started making my own goals and plans..I filed for divorce, just have to pay for it.

Wow unbelievable. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about it so long but you're just nailed my relationship

Now I get it … “trauma bonding” wow Thank you 🙏🏼

Perfectly articulated