My saving grace is that acting dumb is my default when I realize people are trying to get one over me. And as soon as I have distance I plan my escape 😭😭😭
This is why it’s best to simply cut them off and walk away permanently. The urge to manipulate and lie is just too strong for narcs. It’s a game to them, and a horrible way to live.
I never understood why my friend charged more than anyone I know for his services and pays less than everyone I know for everything he buys. Until I learnt about narcissists. It is all a game of valuation and he believes he is worth more than everyone. He always made me feel I owed him something and was in debt to him and had to do things for him to even the debt 😥
Exactly, and notice how our host didn’t bother hearting your factual post. This is all about supply, free validation, attention, and to pad his cancerous pockets. Take whatever he says that benefits you but never see this as genuine. It’s NOT.
Ofcourse he didn't heart it. This commenter is encouraging the abandoment narcissists are so afraid of. You may not realise narcissists are the most damaged people on this planet, deprived of basic human emotional and or physical needs on a very young age. You sound like a heartless bastard yourself lol.
Calling out a narcs bluff is just going to cause them to use another manipulative tactic, which was stated in the video. If you want to call them out fine, but be prepared to then cut them off or else they'll just suck you into more of their gaslighting and manipulation.
Personally, it’s got nothing to do with skill, believability etc. It’s the EASE of the lies and the fact that he never gave a shit about how much damage his lying caused me.
I probably caught my ex in like 80% of his manipulation and he both loved and hated it. Described me as "too smart" to people a handful of times. But yeah it got boring and annoying, and during the last round I was just like whatever man I'm gonna operate as usual good luck. I'm getting more out of watching your videos now than I did talking to him honestly. It's like a draining, bs dynamic with a narcissist has been replaced with a fun educational one that isn't a personal threat to me ✓
@@Thenamelessnarcissist yeah I think in some weird way our banter got really high level when that was happening so we were both kind of addicted to it. Like our confrontations would turn into some cinematic Irish poetry slam bullshit. Frankly your honesty is so inspiring it's actually making me feel more brave about owning up to some of my own darker stuff. Like even catching my false bravado in the first comment above this ... I broke things off with him but it sucked and I didn't want to, and I do miss him like crazy. And I noticed some of my conversations with friends and family were just way less fake today as far as owning my shadow traits and accepting theirs went. I'm hooked on this channel for sure 🔥
I'm glad you escaped. They will try to engage you by lying and seeing if you'll call them out. It's a dumb game they play, and it sure does drain people. There are so many more fun games that are real.
@penguin4181 Mine said something similar. He said he wishes that bitch was dead because I couldn't get over him talking to her and trying to spend time with her behind my back, telling her he basically missed being with her, weeks after I gave birth to our daughter. She knew his game and blocked him, and only then did he care to make things work with me so I couldn't shake the feeling that he was settling for me. Saying he wishes she were dead was weird af to me.. like you wish death on this person you supposedly loved because they wouldn't take you back and think it'll fix relationship issues you caused? 😬
I just tossed her out of my life and never spoke to her again. Then I didn't need a secret decoder ring to figure out how to deal with her manipulations.
I treat everything they say with a grain of salt. If you fool me I’m not surprised. Sure there might be some little truths here and there but to be honest it’s not worth dealing with uncertainty. I don’t want chaos in my life. Not knowing what “mood” you are in. Thanks for sharing. I can tell when a narcissist wants me to beg and plead. When they want me to be sorry for everything. I can tell when they need validation. Something I am good at as a healed empath; I learned to realize it’s not my problem to fix or deal with others unresolved childhood issues. My responsibilities are my issues and flaws. No one else’s. 😊❤ I always tell anyone narcissistic or not you are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions. I am responsible for my own. 🤩
Clearly, you are the real deal. This video is 100% on point. 'Never confronting narcissists' is bad advice, which is why I appreciate your perspective. I have found that most narcx are not that skilled nor dangerous. And confronting them at times can improve one's assertion skills, because narcx argue & lie so much. Secret: they are also quite needy & parasitic, deep down. Plenty of leverage there. Respect👍🏼
This is actually useful for dealing with my narcissist stepson, who is always making passive aggressive comments, like, "I actually don't know what kind of work you do." I will start taking those comments at face value, instead to trying to discern the underlying message. I can see this will work well. :)
I was happy when my ex would threaten to leave😀 I enjoyed the silent treatment too. I could focus on my own hobbies and activities and not have to listen to his lies, gaslighting, unwanted advice, chronic irritability and manipulations. The problem was he wouldn't leave. I finally had to leave my own home to get rid of him.
The unwanted advice so f**king annoying as it's not for your benefit and in your best interests but rather the unwanted advice is always to sabotage you in some way and mess your life up that bit more. It's just a way to keep the power dynamic and imbalance. Yeah it drives me nuts! I totally get what you're saying about the silent treatment, leaving and break ups giving you the time yo focus on self. They don't want you to have hobbies and interests as it adds dimension to you as a person.
That's exactly what I've been doing for ages. Just play dumb, totally ignore the obvious implications. It really does frustrate them. I learnt that ages ago because of my parent and it translated into avoiding so much exploitation by people who can't ask straight...
My narcissist ex said maybe we should take a break when I asked for more non sexual affection. He was telling me not to ask for that. He would also say if it is so bad you can leave and when when I would get up to go he would say please don't go.
Husband used to ruin all the holiday parties, Christmas parties birthdays.. any kind of gathering. So I’d let him and everybody know he was planning it and the timeframe that would be on the menu.. that put an end to ruining holidays parties, and gatherings. It put his reputation on the line, and he wasn’t going to allow it to fail.. instead of my reputation, which he would trash. More than one way to skin a narc cat. Lol
im autistic but i can tell when the narcissist i know is doing exactly what you were talking about bluffing. and i usually will just act like i can’t tell. like ok, you’re telling me to get away from you so i will. i won’t play this game where you scream at me to leave and i beg you to let me stay and hold you. if you tell me to leave i will. if you tell me to stop asking questions about something i will.
You get angry when people do not grovel to your rage and take responsibility when they did nothing wrong. That's literally what you said. Do you realize how f*ing unfair that is?? Pure predator thought process and behavior.
I am a very literal communicator most times. I’m a narcissist’s worst nightmare because I just don’t go in for the okie doke. Manipulation, implication, passive aggression, and innuendos don’t really work with me, because I take stuff literally and act like I don’t get it.
They begged to be friends...then they show literally no effort in wanting to be friends...even so far as not even reading txts properly.... Very confusing.
I just did that. I called the N by frontally demanding accountability. Of course she opted to NOT take accountability and I immediately CUT HER OFF. Sent a note calling her our on her lies and obfuscation. Noted that she would never see a reason to change. Noted that her sadistic behaviour was not something that could hurt me (It did not). Then Blocked.
@@bobbarker1798 Thank you. I think it would have been more difficult if I had been younger and with less experience with “various” people. My own personality has me deal with things that don’t make sense of are unfair “head on”. I speak up. While it was the the first time ID’d an N in real time, i started doing research to confirm my puzzlement. But “N” behaviors kept being confirmed and had to accept the evidence. So, the instant i cut it off, was the instant my head literally quieted down. Silence. That was the most amazing part.
@@alexxxO_O yes, all of them. So….just keep watching the videos. The psychologists and other experts go over all the details of the behaviours AND their nuances very accurately. There are alot of behaviours. And my experience vs the descriptions only have tiny variations; most likely attributable to differences in context. But overall the behaviours are quite consistent among those who do this
When I realized what was going on I couldn't fucking Believe it. I was so pissed at myself. I called her a succubus in the 1st 3 months. 2 years later after a discard under the guise of needing space she came back. Then it was way different. I called her out on her controlling behavior. She tried to play out off as me over reacting. I started looking for answers and I found out what narcissism actually is. After I went through the shock and realizing the last 2 years was a complete sadistic fantasy I went for the jugular. She's vain AF. So I told her I was seeing someone younger, who was tighter in all the right spots. That she was right when she looked in the mirror, she did look old and that turkey neck wasn't helping. Then mentioned the cellulite on the back of her thighs she might not know about. It's easy to see when you're on your knees. Then I blocked her on every platform I could think of. If everything I've been led to believe is true about narcs I hope this wound on her ego and losing control of the narrative eats away at her. I doubt she'll come back after the things I said. I don't want her to even try coming back at me. That shit hurt for a minute. All I have now is hatred for her.
Yeah you definitely explain your mental processes well and in all it's nuances to give the rest of us insight. You are not breathing very deeply. I know that cough it's a psychosomatic reaction to the truth. Brave steps to post on line so come back from over balancing and re centre yourself. You're neuro diverse yes but you are your own translator, means there're two of you living in there. Could be of great help to other narcissists if they took the time to listen. Most just notice shit don't go well but they dont know why. Cheers mate.
I fell for the fake threats quite a few times. I have my own abandonment issues but once I’d moved in with him and he tried to leverage the threat of “kicking me out” to get me to behave the way he wanted, I was done. I’d watched his grown son do the same to his girlfriend at least 5 times in the 2 months I lived there and I’d made it clear that I wasn’t going to play yo-yo. I moved in once and I intended to stay for good. I endeavored to make his house my home as he’d said I should. Once he held that over me, I couldn’t ignore that threat as idle. I told him if I leave, I’m leaving once also and it’s going to be forever. I’d already forgiven him and taken him back once prior when I caught him lying, there wasn’t going to be a 3rd chance. Hurt like Hell and I miss him still, but I wasn’t going to live like that. Better to be alone, hurting but healing, than living in a constant limbo of “is he going to try to kick me out today or not depending on his mood”. I hope he figures it out someday. He’s about to have his 55 birthday and he’s about as miserable as any human being I’ve ever known. I really did love him. I really did want him to be happy. Whether he can ever realize that truth or not is on him. I tried to make it plain but nothing was ever enough.
Thank you for being honest! It’s not hard to find narcs in real life, when you know how to spot the signs, we all play the game sometimes! You’re not the only one!
Whowwhowhwhow thank you for helping people because it is indeed very exhausting i couldnt even finish school because of him and he is just living his life
Mine ignored me for a few days & I told him I could see that he wanted space so I’d give him all the space he needed. His response was that he was busy bc his mom was sick..like I didn’t know he was trying to manipulate & make me feel bad for him. Like ok lol she was sick years ago but bc I know that, he always uses that as an excuse.
I just wanted to tell you that I don't see a narc in you I see someone who cares about himself and others to make real efforts to treat people with respect and kindness. It makes no difference why you are choosing that so what if it's so people like you as long as you use the same effort with everyone. You should be proud of yourself for being this honest and risking being hurt by your audience. I am rooting for you and you deserve to be famous if that will be a solution and validation will keep you closer to healthy either way I wish you the best
I don't think catering to his ego in this way is beneficial. I've noticed one of the biggest downfalls of NPD is the dellusion. Justifying nasty behaviors. No. People shouldn't lie to each other. Full stop. People shouldn't use others as validation. They must find that within themselves. It's the only way to live in peace. I hope he stays in therapy and gets to a better place. But being permissive and encouraging bad behavior like you are doing right now, is not the way to heal NPD imo. They need to develop tolerance for their sense of accountability and shame. Everybody makes mistakes.
This explains so much! I did this accidentally, my ex used to insult me to make me react but at the time I didn't even realize they were insults because my self-esteem was so low... I got ghosted pretty fast 😅
Wow I can't express how much I appreciate you doing this. It must be very uncomfortable and at the same time liberating for you to do this we are all our own greatest enemy . After watching several therapists and pads, its a whole different universe hearing your perception. Please don't stop. God bless you
I guess the exception to this is exposure. My ex completely wiped me out and wanted nothing more to do with me once I figured out he was a narcissist and told him as such. He told me “I can’t have someone in my life who sees me that way” and blocked me everywhere. I don’t think he was faking at all. Haven’t ever heard from him since and it’s been like 5 months.
In the end, that was one of her fatal flaws with regards to avoiding abandonment; she projected this “use the threat of abandonment to get what you want” motivation onto me. She didn’t realize I was dead serious about leaving the marriage, she thought it was a power play. I think that’s why she was so devastatingly shocked when I officially ended it. She still didn’t see it coming, even after all the chaos.
My old friend lies by saying things like if you ask where he's been. He'll say I've been to the shops which is the truth, but he leaves out he was at the shops 3 days ago. So to him that deception is not a lie and it's your fault you asked a non precise question and came to the wrong conclusion
5 mins in, and I'm like, yeah, and this is why I don't have friends don't deal with my family anymore and don't like inner acting with ppl and even though I know what he's saying is a real thing, I've experienced it...the lies, the manipulation tactics, the mystery of "what a narc is saying versus what he really means games" and it drove me bat crazy when my ex did this, he would tell me what I did wrong or what I didnt do right and make me feel horrible even if I took responsibility for something I know I wasn't doing just as an excuse to break up with me and most times he was just projecting to then tell me things wouldnt work between us all for the attention and ego stroke and if I didnt feel like playing his lil game then I was discarded and put on a punishment that lasted months maybe a year but never any longer unless he had moved on with another person and if I didn't reach out first and beg him back, then he would try to manipulate and wheezle himself back into my life somehow. And at 41, you would think a grown adult man would do something different by now. Reverse psychology is probably something I should master. You want out, sure, have it your way!it's all my fault, so let's call it quits and go live our lives and find the happiness we both deserve deserve.
Had to rewatch @ the 1:55 mark. Thought I heard you say “chlamydia and was like dammmn! How you gonna call her out like that on the internet!? But then I realized you said “libido”… and was like ok… fair enough.😂😂
You’re right. When I love my narcissist, I try to understand her so I always play dumb. It’s our way to have you take your accountability. And that’s dramatic because fake leaving and leaving represent entirely different world. Thanks for your channel, far more qualitative than most other hateful or dumb specialist
Self neglect is a huge narcissistic evil. For ex u r having the ice tea even though u r having a cough. & this is where misdirected anger (abuse) merges
I noticed in myself the other day that I play dumb when they are fishing for compliments. It feels weird to be treated as supply. I have no problem complimenting regular people or strangers even. But it just rubs me the wrong way when they are praising me JUST so I will reciprocate. It feels so obvious to me idk. I've got BPD but I'm wondering if maybe I'm narcissistic too. Because I "get" it.
Mhm okay I had a friend once who I used to call out on his stuff and he said bla bla I need someone to ground me etc. In the end he started a smear campaign against me so here you go. It's too much work with people like this.
I made so many mistakes not knowing this about the man who I love so dearly. Now that I know what his situation is, I wish I’d known so many things about NPD. I wish I’d been a better friend and watching this video and learning these things are important to know should he ever reach out again. I’m going to think about what you said for a long time. I miss him so much. Thank you for your video and best wishes always. ❤
@@henryhandel you’re right and I appreciate your reply. It’s been two years and I don’t answer his calls. I just miss him so much and wish I had understood things better at the time. It wouldn’t have changed anything, he’s extremely intelligent and had his own thing going on that went way over my head. But to know these things now and in your kind words,
I take everyone at face value anyway. It irritates some people, but I've got the spoken word on my side to use against them if they get pissy with me. It's great playing dumb and grinning like a huge idiot in front of a manipulator. LoL
@@sherriflemming3218 Speking (and writing) are actions, hence behaviors. But apart from that, no psychologist has ever used 'character' in that restricted manner, not even hardcore behaviorists. It also encompasses ways of thinking, feeling, reacting and so on.
Bro, I have the utmost respect for you. The fact that you're speaking on your disorder and revealing yourself. I feel like you're holding yourself accountable. For a person with npd to do that is extremely courageous. I thank you for the perspective as I'm engaged in a custody battle. I wish you well.
Spot on! Thanks for sharing ! I knew this as a kid- but the people I was refusing to play the game with were adults and much older kids, so they turned against me pretty severely, and still are, 45 years later. But when a person is actually safe from their retaliations, then yeah 👍 this is how to deal with it 😊
Thanks for this and thanks for being honest ... was that your intent? LOLS. But yeah this is confirming and validating for my experience. And I don't think it's that we "don't see it", I saw it but my brain was already hijacked by the narc that I quickly overrode it. It's more that there's a part of us that doesn't want to see it at the time, or isn't able to fully recognise it because you've entrained us. If we see it the very first time it happens and choose to ignore it, we set ourselves up for more of it. The problem is most of us are conditioned to see the best in people, give them the benefit of the doubt, "everybody deserves a second chance" etc. After that we don't see it in the moment because your erratic and chaotic behaviour, constantly pulling the rug from beneath us, puts us into a state of disorientation and shock resulting in a trauma bond, where we become so focused on our need to hold onto your affection and stability in the relationship that we fail to recognise that your erratic boundaries are the cause of the instability in the first place. Whether the erratic boundaries are intended or unintentional is besides the point, if you fail to recognise that someone is incapable of being a stable force in your life and that you deserve stability and consistency, you're in for a world of hurt. I'm ruthless now. I give no second chances. People show you who they are from day dot.
The last fight he was livid I was leaving the country without really trying to see him. He blew up at a small thing I said and said "i'm never going to call you again! It immediately triggered so much fear in me that he would not be in my life at all. I asked him at the end if I could still call him and he said "I never said you couldn't call me, just that I wouldn't call you." That shocked me. Such obvious manipulation and attempt to have power over me. I called him once and he didn't answer late, because I reasoned, I'd left it that way (mistake I know). I never called him again and he doesn't call me. He has to stick to his word for his ego. I refuse to give into such power plays. Watching this I now also realize he never actually wanted to end things at all, he just wanted me to breakdown, beg, give in, apologize and submit to his crazy, overt attempts to control me. It's true though we will never be able to see all their levels of manipulation, at least not in real time. I have been dissecting things the last six months to understand things as if that will help me move on. The more I realize though what he was doing, the crazier it gets.
I LOVE YOU ❤️ AND AM DISGUSTED W NPD AS A BRAIN ILLNESS. 🧠 I have ppl I love ❤️ and want to manage around them since we are all ppl trying to survive an illness in the brain that most likely happened in childhood. I struggle w mh issues 😢
I know it is an illness and it must be hard to live with it. And it's great you recognize that and have compassion for them. But I really really wish you do not use this to justify any of their actions. The only way they'll heal is when they start being brave and mature enough to take accountability for their actions.
It took me 10 years to learn this lesson. Her first real threat after our daughter was born was…”if you pick her up I’m divorcing you. Let her cry (she was 6 months old). My response was EXACTLY what she was going for. I snapped back in line like a good little boy.
My husband that I’ve been with for 22 years, just left because we argued about me being tired to have sex the night before. Even though we did it ever other day that week. That hurt so much and it made me feel like a piece of meat
Ur damned if ya do and ur damned if ya don't when it comes to trying to talk w the narcissist. If you agree and minimize things, your damned. If you enforce a boundary and speak up, you're Damned. In fact, when you speak up and enforce your boundaries, The Narcissist retaliates even worse, even harder. So I don't know brother. I'm really trying to learn the best way to communicate effectively with you guys, so you guys don't feel such shame or abandonment. So you feel accepted. But man, we are damned if we do and damned if we don't buy you guys. If we're all taught that speaking up with strong boundaries will offer some sort of safety or greyrock or more respect in a weird way, ... Well.... I have found is it makes you guys infuriated. Boundaries make you guys so angry that you retaliate so fierce, and it's relentless. Sincerely, Confused AF in how to communicate w a narcissist.
You should keep a change journal. What you are going to change. Then each day reflect on what you did right and where you fell short and how you can correct that. Then put each day behind you and start again with each new day. Beating yourself up doesn’t help you or anyone else. Take care ☺️
My now ex husband was being abusive, therefore destroying my sex drive toward him. He refused to understand there was a correlation. Of course, he committed adultery and was totally justified in his mind. Can't wait to be totally healed from this bs
I take my narc girlfriends’ snarky, sarcastic narc put-downs at face value; dodge the bullet only to have her fly into narcissistic rage… hard to win with narcs! 😅😅😅😅
Can you talk about the need for attention most narcissists have ? I have one in particular who can’t enter a room if he’s not seen or heard . Thanks for your input love the videos .
This really helped me , tku, but i fell for my ex Narcs withdraw and insecurity games where he said we werent compatible .... and now its too late I guess....I called out on his behavior and it was a big mess!!! I have borderline traits so he messed with the wrong person!!! haha
What do you think about one who manipulates by smiling in your face and being nice but smear you to others twisting the truth? What do you do in these instances?
Once you block them or gray rock them .... barely talk or give any info ever !!! That is KEY...! ....Then they will go after a different person to start their crap with.. eventually they will be cancelled!! Every one will start to see that narc for what they is🎉
Idk man..the first few times he would say i was too smart. And how i had never met anyone like me before. The he came back and was like you are with me cuz u think im stupid
Very useful, yep. Thank you for posting. I really commend you on your honesty and self work. Have you ever tried a combination of EMDR and mdma therapy (perhaps micro dosing psychedelics as well to release trauma) ? I think this combo can also facilitate healing very well (obviously making sure to have the support of excellent practitioners).
N admittedly voices Subtle threats in order to change otbers behaviour to get what they want...fake discard. How to counteract : Simply AGREE and follow through on their bluff What to avoid : taking them at their word or calling them out
I wonder if he can see the irony in what he says. They hurt you badly because they abandoned you. If you really think they should stay with you no matter how much you hurt them, then why don't you keep being with them? Forgive them and don't hate them for it.
My ex left 12 years ago on May 3rd 2011. He has stonewalled me since he left so I would have to use a lawyer and go into debt. He succeeded and he put me $140,000.00 in debt. We were married 34 years. He left me when I was 48 years old and 6 years later married an 80 year old nasty narcissist who tells him exactly what to do. So he has had control of me emotionally and totally financially. He left me because I am disabled with needing 7 new joint replacements from being a professional athlete. He has called the police numerous times whenever anything went wrong in his life and he could blame me. So my question is how do I get this stonewalled out of my life for good. Why would he continue it for 13 yrars when he could havr got rid of me after a year of being separated. Any suggestions? Dors he keep me around for supply? What is going on inside his brain?
Can we get a vid with a lot of manipulation tacitct, what to do if ur using them and what to do if ur having them used on u, I think a video where both sides gets their knowledge and power will be a very good vid
Manipulation is a cowards way for asking for something Ask directly for what you want With. Courage 50% chance they will give it to you. Learn to ask for things Directly Being manipulative Is poor negotiations Learn to negotiate for what you want Directly. Get some balls.
We all play games, bluff, counter-bluff, manipulation etc. but for most of us the hidden agendas are hidden from our own cousciousness, which gives the game a certain flavour, and predictibility i guess, since most of us are wired similarily. After watching a bunch of these videos, i understand that narcissists are wired differently and are more aware of these hidden agendas, which make them play the game in another way. Also don't think you / we are all pure and whatnot, we are just choosing to keep playing the game vanilla, with infra-conscious hidden stakes and agendas. These stakes don't disappear because we don't think of them consciously. And that "vanilla" version of the social game may (or not) be evolutionary the best one since it is the one that emerged, for all i know.
My thoughts... when you said you have an angry outburst the intention is the person will feel bad and apologize. You get upset if they dont because you believe your intentions was obvious and they are just ignoring what you want..correct? Ive been in situation where someone has done this to me and after a few times I realized it was an intention to get me to aplogize, take blame etc.. once i learned thats what it was than i would call him out.. id say things like , as long as your being loud etc im not talking about this. OR something else depending on the conversation but either way i would try to discuss, explain my perspective, ive even left the room telling him when your ready to talk and work through this without blowing up rhan let me know but for now im going in the other room... ill try many different things because i want to understand him, i want him to understand me.. but if i know he started this i will not apologize
So basically you are giving a soft ultimatum. You aren't really saying it full out, but leading them to that conclusion. My V&C N/BPD learned very early on that I didn't respond well to ultimatums or use them myself. Yeah, he didn't use that game after losing big on the one time he tried it.
