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You screwed the pooch. You broke their heart and they’re mad. They don’t want to see you, talk to you, they wouldn’t throw a gatorade on you if you were on fire.
Maybe you cheated, lied, or kept secrets from them and now you’re worried this may be it. So what can you do next to get that second chance that you want?
Stick around and I’ll tell you.
Hi there, I’m Jessica Boss, relationship repairman and I’m here to tell you how to patch things up before you go full teardown. This is going to take a little more than some spackle and a coat of paint but with a little elbow grease on your part, we’ll get you up to code.
So what should you do?
Step one: give them some space.
I know you’re eager to get them back but now is the time to cool off. They need to be free to feel these bad feelings towards you and get them out of their system. Trying to fix things too quickly shows a lack of respect for their feelings. It shows that you don’t take this as seriously as you should.
The breathing room you allow depends on how serious the infraction was but anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks is a good rule of thumb. Don’t call them, text them, or bother them in any way.
When they’ve cooled down, it’s time for step two.
A sincere apology
This is the part that many people get wrong so pay attention. “I’m really sorry, I’m a piece of shit” won’t do it this time. You need to think this one through.
Answer these questions:
What did you do wrong?
Pretty straightforward but your apology needs to include an acknowledgement of what you did that hurt them or it won’t mean anything.
Why did you do it?
Maybe you were scared, maybe you weren’t thinking, maybe you have a perfectly reasonable explanation. FORGET IT. They’re hurt. You trying to explain yourself isn’t going to make them feel any better. It will just feel like you making an excuse. This is something to talk about later on but for now, just own up to what you did and leave your excuses out of it.
Why did your actions hurt them?
Imagine they did the same thing. How would it make you feel? Would it make you question everything? Would you feel unloved, unwanted, disrespected? Show them that you understand how your actions made them feel.
Will you do it again?
Hint: the answer should be no. You need to tell them that this will never happen again and that you’re taking steps to make sure of that. How are you going to change to avoid this happening in the future?
Now put it all together. Here’s what your apology needs to express:
You’re sorry you did this to damage the relationship
You’re sorry that you made them feel bad
You’re sorry that you disrespected them
You won’t do it again
You’re going to change, and here’s how
You understand if they never want to see you again but you hope they’ll find it in their heart to forgive you.
This one is a little wooden so make it your own. Write it down and plan it out. Make a blueprint. If your mistake came from carelessness and putting your own feelings before theirs, showing that you put effort into the apology will let them know you’re trying to make a change.
Next up, comes the hard part.
But first, A note on guilt
To some extent, guilt is about you, not them. It’s good that you feel guilty. This means that you care. But don’t let your guilt do more damage. This happens when you’re more focused on getting their forgiveness than you are about making things right. You need to focus on changing your behaviour and supporting them. Don’t expect to be forgiven right away and don’t wallow in how much you hurt them and how bad you feel about it. Remember, they’re the one that got hurt, not you.
So here it is, the real key to fixing things: You need to show them you’ve changed.
An apology only goes so far. It’s important that you put your money where your mouth is. How are you going to change so this never happens again?
Depending on what you did, you need to tailor your change to the situation. This can range from a simple remodel to a complete teardown.
If you’re wondering if your relationship can even be salvaged at all, go to ExBackQuiz.com and take the free quiz to see your chances of fixing things. It can be helpful in helping you figure out if it’s even worth trying.
Thanks for watching, I’ve been Jessica Boss, your relationship remodeller, and it’s quittin time. Bye!
28 июн 2024
