I find this really sad. If the avoidant fears abandonment, you naturally will work harder to try to show you genuinely love them and won't abandon them. But now I understand that doing so just makes them run further away. I finally get it 😢
I have the bad habit of being “set up” with avoidants by people who think I can “fix” them by treating them well… I always wind up with the short end of the stick.
We have to switch our ''repeat'' button off, to say it in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way; otherwise we get stuck in the cycle. They say shadow work really helps, I don't know enough but need to look into it myself.
You're videos have had a tremendously positive impact on me moving on after being discarded. I wanted to thank you for explaining why avoidant do what they do and helping me realize that I did nothing wrong.
The way I went about it is forgiving them despite her dissappearing for over a month and made it clear that I dont want to put any expectations on her. I was just happy to see she was trying again and I feel it got through because it was very rare shed pull away after even having stopped altogether for months currently. Its less about loving harder but trusting in them but also setting boundaries/having discussions if something genuinely does bother you. A fine line between caring and enabling these behaviors but ultimately you shouldnt blame yourself if it doesnt go well, some people just arent compatible. If you truly believe the person is capable of overcoming these behaviors please be patient and direct if you can, if they cant have some self respect and seek a better fit.
My ex admitted she has issues. Wasn’t sure if “we” could fix them. Things were going real well, so I thought. Next thing I know, she’s done. Just like that. No closure. These videos are helping me to see that I wasn’t the problem. The pain is unreal. Thanks for your work Coach Ryan.😢
Absolutely true! In my relationship which was almost 2 years long, my partner is a dismissive avoidant. She has a lot of ego as well and a sense of entitlment which is kind of narcissistic traits. I have always showed her that I dont love her for anything in return, I just love her each and every day and I will always. I have done mistakes but looking back they are really minor ones which is understandable and acceptable. I have always experienced her withdrawing from difficult talk, where both should take active part to understand each other little better. It was always me who used to console her for anything and everything. I sometimes used to feel bad bcoz its hard to exhaust urself emotionally everytime where you dont get the bare minimum. Loving her hard, always respecting her and guiding her through the way made us to come this far. Unfortunately, she dint even think about how much of efforts it has taken to be here. She left me ghosting for a month. Didnt respond me and was so cold. It hampers me everyday to see myself as the only one trying to make things work. I have initiated a kind of no contact and trying to hold on. Because I see her not giving a damn about how her behaviour is impacting me. I am not in a good shape to react or reciprocate bcoz all I see her silence against my genuine interactions. It hurts so bad and recently I was so broken that I lost my apetite for days. I am pretty sure she is a DA and she needs to work on herself. I guess I am emotionally so done that each day feels like a war against me. Wish some one could do something to take me out of this situation. I am at the edge of giving up on her.
@@caleblangfird212 hmm..true..but it hurts bcoz, I was not the only one who saw all those dreams alone.she was there too. Now she just acts like she never did.😔..feeling low bcoz of this.
@@satyajeetpatnaik3780God is trying to get your attention. It will continue to hurt until you seek Him and allow Him to build your true identity. Self love is lacking which is why we tolerate bare minimum from them. And this is NOT who we designed us to be!
This doesn't really sound like a DA at all, needing consoling, exhausting someone else emotionally are opposite traits to DA. Could be either FA or anxious style, or even a narcissist. Narcissist invalidate/dismiss others because they feel entitled, regardless of their attachment style. There's a list of questions that will show if someone is a narc, but it's better to not show them that you know. Slow fade is best and eventually cut ties, and give yourself all the love and healing work to be able to get through this. Also to prevent repeating this over with another narc, (if it's the case, which sounds like it is)
@@ashton1952 I agree..may be I couldnt clearly define it. Few of the traits as I have mentioned in my previous comment i.e. ego, sense of entitlment, no emotional awareness and almost zero tolerance to criticism. Its a hard pill to swallow bcoz I have always been empathetic with people whoever it is. Showing respect to people and their believes, values is something I do all the time. Honestly, I can feel those emotional scars invisible but so painful. Its not easy for me to come out but m trying.
We can't fix them at all, right? Especially not by doing more of what triggers their craziness. The best thing to do IMO, just exit gracefully. What I prove is that I will and do leave them when they treat me badly. If anyone has to prove how much they love, it's the masculine, not me. True feminine never has anything to prove, observe Nature. Idk if i ever thought in terms of fixing them, but it had occurred to me that perhaps he had just not experienced real love before, and that my love might inspire him to treat me well. That failed miserably, lesson learned! Now it's, he must be grown, evolved, and prepared if he wants me. Otherwise, he's one giant red flag, not even on my radar. I don’t have to figure out what a disaster he is, I saw it from the start. I wanted nothing to do with him, but the damned twin flame DNOTS hit, and i was defeated, obsessed. It's taken me a year and a half to fully climb out of the deep rabbit hole i fell into, exacerbated by all my previous emotional trauma which I'm still going through.
A DA is the one who got me out of believing in soul mates or twin flames. That strong pull is a trauma bond....not a twin flame. Dr. Ramani did a video about soul mates and twin flames and how that belief and magical thinking makes you more succeptible to a narcissist. Now i run from strong instant chemistry, if you have that instant magnetic connection with huge butterflies that is your gut telling you to run.
@jessicajackson1200 Not my experience. Twin flames cannot be understood by those who are not twin flames. Most people think they desire a TF so they label narcissists as TF'S which they're not. TF'S are a spiritual bond, unbreakable. And of course there is usually toxicity, we live in a very toxic society. Meeting an actual TF catalyzes spiritual awakening. And it's important to maintain no contact until we are ascended
Is there a video that I can send to an avoidant person for her to become a bit more conscious of her traits? I think most of your videos have a lot of clear, concise and accurate information about avoidant partners, but never really did see one directed to the avoidant person itself. "Signs that you're a dismissive avoidant"-like type of video. I'm an avoidant myself, working on it. Your videos are awesome. Thanks !
I am at the end of my rope with my DA girlfriend of 2 years. We broke up in early Jan over some dysfunction with her teen kids and narcissistic ex-husband. We got back together in Feb - and March was really good and intimate ( dating, but not living together). We went on a ski trip to colorado in last week of March - til April 4- where she was a total nightmare: snippy, pre-occupied, a few times outright angry. She gaslit me when I called her on her treatment, and I gave her some space this last week - after taking her on --what should have been - a joyful and fun time in a beautiful ski resort. She was critical of me on everything - including, almost missing our flight back to Florida - though the reason for that was it took her 1 hr and 45 minutes to pack up one suitcase and get ready ( eating her meals, etc). Literally, while I was waiting for her the entire time. (Oh, she was sick on the trip, had a virus, and we couldn't have any sex - in fact, didn't have sex for two weeks prior to the trip - because she contracted mites (she's a massage therapist and got it from one of her clients dogs) - and then, she had a virus flair up on the trip - we couldn't even KISS. I just got off the phone with her saying she was RESENTFUL that she went on the trip - she should have stayed home, cleaned her apartment - and did her taxes ---ALL while asking me to help her with her rent, because "now that I've moved out, I'm not helping her pay the bills..." Uhm - I had a loving-but-challenging girlfriend who has turned into a gas-lighting psycho who keeps bring up things that occurred TWO YEARS AGO... I want to voice A LOT - but I'm afraid to hurt her. How do I navigate this nightmare?
You navigate it by assessing what YOU WANT in a relationship and then determine if you’re getting that from the current relationship that you’re in. It sounds like you aren’t, so you can bring it up to her and if there aren’t any changes, relinquish the relationship and move on. It’s really that simple
Coach Ryan, what happens when an avoidant is made aware of their condition? Would that not help them to see things differently straight away and encourage them to seek therapy? A video on this would be good. Thanks
Mine was aware for years, and still didn’t do anything about it. Being aware put thoughts on the mind. Feeling something is different. Altough mine was aware mentally, her feelings and anxiety took over anyway, and they can’t control their feelings. This do not apply to anyone as some may seek help, but it depends on the person as there is no size fits all.
The volume on your vidoes is very low compared to others. On one of my laptop I have to put my face close to the keyboard to hear you. Then move away and turn the volume way down to hear the others videos.
I appreciate the explaining of WHY, but I don't like that the video doesn't have a solution the viewer can be/do in this situation. Yes I understand the avoidant needs to do the work on themselves, but the other person doesn't want to treat them like shit because they can't think more highly of themselves in the meantime.
When you say treat them like shit, what do you mean? I find that sometimes ppl can have some very extreme ideas of good or bad treatment in relationships. Not burning yourself out to fix someone else’s mental health or attachment issues isn’t treating them like shit. Burning yourself out to pour into a cup with a hole at the bottom isn’t treating them well, it’s irritating to them and treating yourself like shit. Balance. Be there but don’t take their journey on as your own. Then again, I’m a dismissive avoidant woman what do I know lol. I’m the villain in this tale
@@sj3969 I think that depends on the avoidant no? I mean wherever their threshold for being loved is tolerable. Because my ex of 13 years acted like every time I gave him a compliment he was allergic to it. And every time I tried to express my unmet needs so we could negotiate how they can or should be met he acted like I was attacking him. So where is the happy middle?
