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You’ve just been to hell and back. You got dumped, hard. You went through the painful period of separation. The sleepless nights. The rebounds. But you weren’t willing to let it end like that. Everything seemed stacked against you but despite all odds, you pulled it off. You got your ex back. Now what? How can you make sure you stay together for good?
Resentment
This is a big one. Being dumped is hard. It’s a pretty serious form of rejection. You trusted them
When your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s hard to forgive. Even if you’re unaware of it, you’re probably harbouring negative feelings towards your ex which is going to create conflict going forward.
Fear
A breakup, whether it came out of nowhere or slowly crept up on you, is devastating. It’s something we all do our best to avoid. Now that it has happened once, what’s to stop it from happening again?
This creeping sense of insecurity is like a slow leak that will bring your relationship to a halt before you know it.
Trust
Trust is the cornerstone of relationships. A good partnership is one where both of you feel free to be yourselves without fear of judgment, ridicule, or embarrassment. Being dumped interrupts this safety, leaving you questioning your every move for fear that you may be pushing them away.
First up, communication.
Do you know why you broke up in the first place?
If not, your relationship is not going to change and it will happen again. Find out A S A P.
You need to have a frank and open discussion with your SO about what happened, why it happened, and what you’re going to do to make sure it never happens again.
Set aside some time sit down and ask questions. Don’t accuse them, and don’t insult them. Simply listen to their side of things. Then, explain what you went through. How it was tough for you, how it felt to be dumped, and say whatever else you’ve been wanting to say to them. Try to be nonjudgmental but don’t back down. You don’t want there to be anything left unsaid between you two.
I know, these conversations are never easy but in the long run, if you’re both committed to making this work, this conversation will bring you closer together.
Next, make a plan.
How are things going to be different this time around? How will you make sure that this doesn’t happen all over again?
Often relationships fall into patterns that are harmful for both parties but neither member realizes that change is possible.
Maybe you spent too much time together, or not enough. Maybe they want to talk every night before you go to sleep. Maybe you’d like them to help out around the house more or cook.
This is a great opportunity to address the parts of your relationship that weren’t working. You get to decide together what your new relationship is going to look like.
Making a roadmap of your future together and what you expect from one another will prevent you two getting lost. It doesn’t need to be set in stone but having a general idea of where you’d like things to end up will prevent misunderstandings and detours.
Let go of your resentment
I know how hard this step is.
While they definitely made the wrong choice in breaking up with you (I’m sure both of you agree), it isn’t about right and wrong. It’s about moving forward. If they’re making an effort to make things right and have shown remorse then you have to try to forgive them, I mean REALLY forgive them, for breaking up with you.
It’s not about who is right or wrong. This is the trap that many couples fall into. This mindset suggests you’re in competition with one another. Instead, think of them as your copilot. They took a wrong turn and you need to work together to get back on the right path.
Stay active in the relationship.
Whatever led to your breakup, at some level it had to do with compromise, with settling. It’s natural to let parts of our life run on autopilot. It frees up mental energy for what’s important if we don’t have to think about doing laundry, driving to work, or paying our bills. But don’t let that extend into your relationship.
Unfortunately, Elon Musk hasn’t invented a self-driving relationship just yet so you’re going to have to take the wheel if you want to avoid crashing into a tree.
What does this look like? It doesn’t take constant vigilance. All it takes is mindfulness. Before you explode into rage when they forget garbage day, take a breath. Take the time to send a quick text if you’re going to be home late. In other words, prioritize their feelings and concerns when you make decisions that could affect them. That’s what separates good relationships from great ones. If you work on staying engaged in your relationship then they will take notice and do the same.
4 сен 2018
