I know RU-vid can seem like a grind at times due to the pace at which videos must be posted to keep the algorithm happy, but I have found each of your videos to be informative and helpful. Thank you.
Saying "thank you" wouldn't be enough to say for helping me navigate my feelings more effectively, Heidi. I appreciate all the hard work you put through all your videos.
Thank you. I needed this confirmation. I feel like I'm going in the right direction with keeping my boundaries and having a backbone. I've been able to walk away from a gaslighting narcissistic family member easier. It feels good not to feel bad about it either.
I started having a really intense reaction to what you were saying in the final 3-4 minutes of this video. I’ve worked for a few years in healing my insecure attachment style but in my most recent connection with someone I realized I wasn’t as far along my journey as I thought I was. Boundaries and vulnerability are still so difficult for me but so necessary in helping me feel safe and emotionally regulated. I just continue to struggle to find the strength to speak up about how someone else’s actions make me feel. I guess I’m afraid that they will react badly and reject but I just have to remind myself that I can only control my behavior so I can’t wait around for people to just magically know what my boundaries are without telling them. And then it’s in their hands if they will choose to respect them and work with me towards harmony or not.
The way I word it is, "Boundaries are what I am and am not comfortable with doing." I am immunocompromised (get sick easily from cold, flu, covid. Could be easily hospitalized, ICU, or death), and have certian boundaries to help me keep me mentally and physically safe and healthy; mentally and physically. I worked with my therapist and doctor since they know about my autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis and what it means to be immunocompromised. I had friends who disagreed with my boundaries, because they rather I have no boundaries at all, and pretend I don't have an autoimmune disease or immunocompromised during covid pandemic. I ended up going no contact with those who were disrespectful about my boundaries, or tried to tell me I don't have an autoimmune disease or immunocompromised, even though I have been medically diagnosed, and take immunosuppressant medication. Or they continued to push boundaries.... And as you mentioned.... They pushed and pushed until I snapped and went no contact. Although, I did ask them to stop. I did mention what they were doing was triggering. I provided my boundaries and worded it as, "This is what I am comfortable with doing...." Yet, I was met with, "I don't understand your boundaries from some.... Even though I felt like I explained till I was blue in the face, and rewrote them down to 6th grade reading level. My boundaries consists of visiting outdoors if someone isn't vaccinated (I live in California). Reschedule visit if they are sick or have a cold. Call or text, don't drop by announced. I won't visit those who are sick or have a cold. I eat at outdoor restaurants only. I don't go to large crowded indoor events. I wear my mask indoors (grocery store, shopping, riding the bus), I don't make people wear masks, if they choose to wear their mask, that is fine. I will wear mine. At crowded outdoor events, I also wear my mask. I don't ride the airplane or train yet, as I'm still working on my anxiety. I also have a no unsolicited advice, ask first. If I say no, please don't keep pushing it. I want a friendship, not another doctor, therapist, physical therapist, etc..... Over the course of the past few years, my friend circle has gotten smaller, but tighter relationships and friendships. Some days are still hard, because I have always had boundaries, but following up with the consequences and sticking to it..... It's sometimes so hard.... But I am working on myself everyday. I know I am imperfect, and make mistakes, yet I will continue to work on myself to be better for myself and others.
I wish I could consensually and germ-free give you a hug. 💜. I feel this so deeply. My partner's and my social circle has drastically shrunk because of covid and people who just don't take our health concerns seriously (I'm not immunocompromised but have fibromyalgia... Every sickness makes my pain and symptoms exponentially worse). My husband has type one diabetes and has almost died from simple viruses that "normal-immune" people take for granted. It's been really hard. I think Heidi's first point about how boundaries are relative and proportionate to the situation and relationship is so important for you and I to remember. What may look like unreasonably rigid boundaries to someone else are literally life-preserving for us. I won't lose my partner to others' neglect, wilful ignorance and carelessness. No thanks. Chronic illnesses come with so much complexity and stigma that most people don't get. I didn't get it fully until I was in it and I've done my best to bridge understanding with folks. A lot of the time, it's not enough to establish genuine safety. So, clearer, more rigid boundaries are actually very necessary. Anyway I'm rambling. I just feel both super seen by your comment and also connected to your experience. Wanted to offer my own validation and support to you. 💜
Everyone's gonna annoy us some or the other day. People are not perfect and do not fit into my idea of perfection. No doubt setting boundaries could help short term, but if we are thinking about long term, I feel we need to be skilled at conflict resolution. Otherwise, we will have to distance everyone in our life. And most importantly working on our own shortcomings, so that we can make our triggers less triggerable and thereby keep expanding our boundaries. That's the way I feel we evolve. Cool video btw Heidi 😄🙏🏾
I don't recommend using boundaries as a way of trying to fit someone into your idea of perfection or to bypass working with annoyances in relationships. In those cases I recommend direct communication! Boundaries I generally recommend as a means of protecting oneself in relationship to those who behave in consistently disrespectful ways and/or who are unsafe in some capacity to be around.
Not addressed in the video: the people you need to set rigid boundaries for are the same people who consistently broke your less rigid boundaries, and will eventually break your rigid ones. This usually happens with family members, because families are highly dysfunctional systems where boundaries are extremely difficult to enforce. This is why many people cut off family members; it's the last resort and the only boundary they'll understand and respect.
Children are supposed to have boundaries set for them. Getting through the whole child development phase of life is an entirely different kettle of fish.
Marie: we don’t set boundaries for people, we set them for ourself. Example: not interacting with abusers or not allowing them into our inner circle of trust. That’s not about any one person. It’s about all people who behave that way. The boundary is: ‘I don’t allow any emotionally abusive person to know things about me.” since they use information against others to get gain for themselves.
Completely agree. And, I think it's important for us to accept that we may very well be setting rigid boundaries at first in contrast to the lack of boundaries for years. We can adjust and learn. I think it's unrealistic and dangerously "toxic positivity" to expect people to just know how to perfectly set boundaries without any practice. Not that Heidi is saying that at all, but I hear that implied from this community sometimes and from some RU-vidrs.
Lol 4/4 for too rigid of boundaries plus have cut people off/heavily encouraged a friend group cut somebody out as punishment for their behavior. This video really just hammered home so many things I've been thinking a lot about as I've wound up alone and with boundaries keeping me from experiencing the fullness of life.
Summary 0:00 01:37 #1 You boundaries are making you feel dead inside 05:45 #2 You frequently 'go back on' or fail to reinforce your boundaries 09:09 #3 You would rather cut someone out than be honest and direct with them. 15:13 #4 You most often use boundaries as a form of punishment 18:18 #5 Setting boundaries all or setting nothing at all. - Boundaries need to be adjusted based on the relationship they pertain to the appropriate boundary is the one that allows you to stay present and engaged with your own life - Boundaries are not about keeping people or things out but are about keeping our full selves intact within - The first sign that your boundaries have become too rigid is if they impede your ability to express yourself authentically - Setting healthy boundaries is important to avoid lingering resentment and simmering anger in relationships. ---- Very useful and informative. I like! This is Gold! Heidi many thanks !
Add the last point too! 18:18 #5 Setting boundaries all or setting nothing at all. - In an insecure relationship we want them to love us more so we tend to have no boundaries at all then we get exhausted then we set all the boundaries cutt people off!
Also, the part about punishing resonates so deeply with the impacts of bad parenting. If you learned that the only way to resolve a disagreement or misunderstanding is punishment, look no further than the parent you had who's solution to most problems was control, not understanding or empathy. The underlying message is "ill teach this kid about respect!" - when as terry real says youre really just a 6 foot tall giant imposing yourself on an underdeveloped child with limited resources. Youre basically breaking their amygdala so they are stuck in a fear state. Sue Johnson talks about whispering to the amygdala...but the resson she needs to whisper is because the amygdala was so damaged in childhood.
I like what you said about not having the mindset of universal rights or wrongs or that a person is either right or wrong. It’s the preferences you have to set your own boundaries. Thanks for your videos- I really enjoy them 😊
Ok lots of things for me to chew on thanks! Also this made me realize consciously that I have anxiety around making others uncomfortable when I open up. Really it's fear of rejection that I want to dress up as: person A said xyz because they aren't comfortable with my vulnerability. When in reality it's me that needs to check in with myself. I think being honest with myself and others that I struggle with that is a great step though.
Heidi, wow this video resonated for me especially at the 13 minute mark until the end. I’m a 28 year old male that recently got out of a relationship where we were both insecure. Myself being dismissive avoidant and her being anxious, mind you this is the first time in my life I’ve actually started to research this and get in touch with myself on this level. I’ve learned so much and related to understanding how each of our dynamics affected our relationship and each intricate interaction. I’ve been watching a lot of your videos as well as just researching attachment styles/boundaries to really get to the root of how I am. For the first time in my life I’ve embraced being vulnerable and sharing with my close friends the things on my mind, I’ve also started seeing a therapist and want to overcome my bad habits one day at a time. Thank you for offering your perspective and sharing your story to help others like myself!
omg this video was friggen FIRE. I tried to do a panel on Boundaries earlier this year and am DEFINITELY going to site this video when I'm bringing up Rigid Boundaries. The concept was first introduced to me with Dr. Faith Harper's "UnF*ck your Boundaries" and this video PERFECTLY illustrated a really nuanced point. I loved THIS! I cannot wait for the next video about when to show up and make boundaries! Awesome, Awesome, AWESOME points, thank you so much for sharing these!
Heidi, you are such a contribution! I watch and share your videos all the time. Your way of synthesizing and distilling information is awesome and lands with me in a way that I can retain this stuff and access it in the moment. I only wish you had content for ENTJs! Your ENFP videos resonate to a certain point, but I can't find anything at all for the lonely ENTJ. Anyway, pertaining to THIS topic: This one is a stretch for me, because in healing my FA attachment system I would much rather err on the side of boundaries that are too rigid than go back to having no boundaries at all. It feels hinky to think of loosening up on boundaries that I am just now learning how to have.
I'm glad you're finding resonance in these videos! I don't release MBTI content anymore so unfortunately I won't have anything coming out for ENTJs but I know there are some other great creators in that space. I recommend Personality Hacker if you don't already follow them. Re: your comments on this video, I just want to clarify that I don't think the alternative to overly-rigid boundaries are 'no boundaries.' I also think it's perfectly fine to have rigid boundaries if they're working for you! The 'too' in 'too rigid' works as a qualifier for boundaries that are making your life worse, not better. If your boundaries are rigid but working for you, they are not 'too' rigid, at least by my standards!
I had a lightbulb moment during this clip, about how I've possibly been enforcing standards of securely attached people when I should've had my own healthy and perfectly acceptable standards while working through my avoidant attachment 😢 So much we could save ourselves if we just learned what is a more appropriate reality for our own existence than trying to chase a normal state that really doesn't yet exist for a lot of people. Thank you as always Heidi for your thought-provoking videos ❤
Good talk, Heidi. You are, truly, one of the least manipulative (therefore rare) personalities on the internet. I read a book on passive aggresiveness recently. Yikes is all i can say. I will add, though, that it can be really sad to realize that certain needs you have may never be met in a relationship. I like the reframe that setting the boundary actually gives you more energy in the relationship because you have created more safety (less resentment) in the relationship. But there's an expression about "dont go to the desert looking for water" or something like that. It can be a sad thing when you realize someone you care about is not someone you can depend on in situation x or y.
Tfw me Finding the middle ground is so hard when you've had no parental guidance. Also I've started sitting with my emotions etc but I've noticed when I revisit trauma I just start yawning and the emotion goes away and I'm not sure if it's my body releasing it or it's just like "lol new supression method, who dis"
The "this is embarassing but I didn't know how to be vulnerable" is hilariously relatable. Vulnerability seems so straightforward on the outside (as do a lot of things, even feeling your feelings in general). But its really not!
10:48 - 11:40 I needed this. I tried so hard to resolve a conflict with a friend but they are not interested in resolving the conflict but rather just want to fight and throw assumptions and accusations at me. And when I ask them why they feel a certain way to try to understand them, they don't explain anything but start to get angry at me instead. Furthermore, they don't want me to explain my point of view but they also don't tell me their needs. So after trying really hard for months, I think I can really say that I did my best and I should set my boundaries by removing myself from them to protect myself.
How do i know i should protect myself? How do i know if it is beneficial? "I am hurting you for your own good" "Let me show you how i feel by inflicting it on you" Ok when i read it it sound bad. But when someone is doing that to me I'm thinking ok i can endure pain because then i will be with them and be loved.
I understand what you are saying. But I would like to add. If you find yourself constantly having to word the things you say right. Or having to walk on eggshells around them, so they don't explode if you disagree or just say your opinion. You don't have to try and work through it. Setting the right boundaries etc. It is perfectly okay to cut these people off. Because if you already have to walk on eggshells to be in contact with them. Chances are you in the past have tried to set boundaries with them. But they haven't respected them. Or you've observed how they cross other people's boundaries. And if you disagree then they will constantly argue until you give up and agree with them. This does not mean you are to rigid. Especially if you are able to set some boundaries towards others. I am saying this to myself too. Because I got triggered when you said "you may be to rigid, if you haven't tried setting boundaries or finding alternative ways to communicate". That does not apply to everyone or relationship. I am starting to feel more free after not talking to my friend for two months. She knew I found it very disrespectful to delete friends on socials after arguments. I've told her that before. I also told her. If you block or delete someone that means you don't want them in your life. She has done that two times during our 8years friendship to me. I was constantly afraid to lose her if I disagreed with her. I also observed how she could just cut and delete other friends out of her life. So I started not being my whole self around her or contact with her. Started dreading to see her. And whenever we saw each other and I actually did not feel drained I was so surprised and thankful. That should have been an indication to our friendship was toxic. Now she's deleted me from socials because I told her it was not fair to kick her friends and say no one really bothers to be there for her. Although she was in a difficult situation. I showed her empathy towaeds her situation. But let her know it was hurtful to say no one really bothers to be there for her and not fair kicking her friends like this. I can empathize, but not in the expense of disrespecting me like this. Especially since it was christmas and I was with family. She was alone with her kids. I understand it was hard for her. But she was kicking me down when I also was sick and could barely be there for myself that christmas. But I usually gave everything to her to help her. My time energy even my health sometimes. Anyway she texted me on my phone two days later telling me she was sad and would reach out when she was ready to talk about it. I finally feel free. I actually don't want to talk with her anymore or be friends. That friendship costs me so much energy to maintain that I just can't anymore. So you too can let go. Sorry for the long post, but it had to be said.
Miss Priebe, you hit the baseball out of the ball park. Very informative video. I am in not group therapy, but your openess and willingness to constructively break down information and describe a thought with personal or general examples adds body and depth to your statements. When it comes to this topic, I am learning by listening to your video, but I am also overwhelmed. I wonder if I am really capable of doing all these tasks to maintain a healthy relationship? As I got to the end of it, I realized by not being honest about my feelings and expressing them, I have really messed up a lot of relationships.
Thank you so much for your videos Heidi! You have helped me enormously. Would it be possible for you to do a video about when someone else ignores/blocks/ghosts you? How does this relate to boundaries? I am really struggling with this. Someone has done this to me, and it hurts me more deeply than I know how to handle. It feels violating. It feels like she is violating my boundaries, but of course she isn't talking to me, so is she? Thank you.
#3 cutting out someone(doorslam). I think that rigid boundaries are acceptable when you have clearly communicated your boundary and is consistently getting disregarded by that person. It's definitely ok to cut out that person if he is not willing to work on it or showing no obvious effort.
Rigid boundaries story. I enjoy conversations with a calm, kind and courteous woman who relates well to others, mostly in the role of a self-appointed enlightened spiritual guru who provides welcome guidance about ethical behaviors and building a healthier more caring society. We decided to take Thursday morning walks together as walking buddies to get exercise. The first time I met her at a corner at 7:01, she looked disapprovingly at her watch and told me we had made an agreement to meet at 7:00. She said that she hoped I would honor our agreement in the future. I began arriving a little early for our walks to respect her boundaries since the few minutes were otherwise insignificant to me. A few months later, I arrived one morning at 7:00 and she that noted once again that I was late and not honoring our agreement. I checked my cell phone for the time and it said 7:00. Her cell phone said 7:02! She was clearly uncomfortable. I decided at that moment that whatever the reason for her rigid boundaries, I could no perceive her as the enlightened emotionally evolved spiritual being she liked to present to the world. It wasn't my job to figure out how she could set super-rigid boundaries or try to change her. We took our last buddy walk that morning. I still have pleasant conversations with her sometime, but I don't try to make plans. I wish her well.
dam. had this lotsa times with this resentment scenario. later when being in the event that i got myself into i was kind of annoyed at first and trying not to show it to others or i was kind of becoming detached similiar maybe to this dead inside feeling. but when was already in this situation i felt a must to parttake in it until the end because i was feeling it would be unfair to act out on others just because I was the one who tripped on my weakness so others are not supposed to suffer consequences of my own mistake. Sometimes also i had this internal reasoning that said to understand why it's so important to not do it again I have to first fully experience how consequence of what it feels like if I don't deliver again to myself. Still to this day i have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes i thought it was just hard mode of self improvement but sometimes it felt like self-scare retraumatizing in supposedly good faith.
Yeah i tried the direct and healthy thing of doing therapy with my mom because i haven't been able to talk to her honestly about difficult things throughout my life. Well, instead of owning anything, she's more upset that i say i can't talk to her and has made it all about how hard this all is on her. Oh and she flat out asked the therapist to ask me what boundaries are, even after we did family therapy several years ago where we directly discussed enmeshment and boundaries. So yeah. I'm ready to go very LC . The urge for scorched earth is strong lol.
What would that example for the avoidant version of insecure relationships be? My guess is, proximity seeking. "In a secure relationship both partners should put equal effort into spending quality time together." If I grew up avoidantly attached I will need to put extra effort into getting into the vulnerable situations that create a feeling of connection. 15:00
I presume my boundaries are too rigid but also that it's exausting to keep setting conversations about them with a partner with little to no boundaries. Eventually I think it's a burden I need to process on my own
I think a boundary is a way of signposting to someone how they can successfully interact with you. Someone whose moderately functional will go 'Ah, these are the person's requirements for interaction and I can decide if I go with them or not interact, this makes things kinda easier for me because it's all out there in the open'. But boundaries come with consequences for if they get crossed. IMO the question is, is it a rigid boundary or are you dealing with a rigid person who will just perpetually cross that boundary and others? If you feel dead inside, is it because you had attachment to someone who is utterly rigid in their boundary crossing and the only way to deal with their boundary crossing was in a rigid way? Sure, it's possible to false positive and see a rigid person when they aren't and to give a rigid response. But using soft consequence in regard to rigid people - it doesn't make any difference to their approach. A moderately functional or better person sees signposts as a way of cooperating. A rigid person sees them as a weak attempt to manipulate them. I think looking at whether a boundary is rigid in isolation to who it is placed on is missing a lot.
Immensely helpful, thank you. It’s strange to me how this is in a way what life is made up of and yet it was only recently that i began learning about it. It can feel difficult to understand and apply even when in the moment hearing it from you or reading about it it often seems obvious and intuitive. These past few weeks I have had an intensely confusing situation with someone who is a therapist. I was trying to be mindful about boundaries but the nature of the relationship made me feel like up was down. I think perhaps this person behaved in a way that wasn’t ideal and the way it ended felt so painful I thought I would not be able to handle it. It made me think about how very difficult this is.
Over the years I realized that about half of my therapists have behaved inappropriately, violated professional standards, used our sessions to talk about their personal problems or tried to initiate an outsidefriendships with me. I think many people are attracted to the profession to get their own emotional needs met, not to help others.
Two possibilities- one, we know girls are typically socialised into being more accommodating of others via social shaming and shunning in order to relax their own boundaries. Two, boys are socialised not to consider topics like this as integral to their well-being.
I think many of us interact with unhealthy people, and then there are times you should ignore if a boundary is punishment, and there are times being direct and honest isn’t the right approach (rather, you’ve done it and it has already been ignored). If I drive a friend somewhere, and they take the opportunity to behave like complete trash to me. I’m leaving them for that trip and they aren’t getting a ride home. I don’t care if I drove them 2 hours away, they’re an adult, find a way home. That’s punishment I addition to protecting myself. Unfortunately I sometimes fail to even recognize/remember the first time I was direct with someone in a boundary-crossing scenario. By the time I’ve emotionally and intellectually aware of what is happening, I have too much evidence to know that being direct in the moment matters. They need a separate talk, I cut them off, or punishment. I’m not saying that’s a healthy boundary, but it is necessary for toxic/unhealthy people coming at you some ways.
I really hate that none of this is common knowledge. At this point, it's all overwhelming and i don't think I'll ever get this. I don't know anyone that operates this way. Everyone i see is just manipulating.
Boundaries are priceless and life changing. I think about what if... I had been born mega wealthy with no one to say no to me. Instead the people around me encourage bad behavior and let it go unchecked. I never imagined such a person could become the leader of the free world. Better off to grow up "poor" enough and work hard because you will learn better values. It really is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
I'm not sure about one of mine. It makes me uncomfortable that my partner has past lovers on Facebook. To be fair, one of them did message her a couple weeks ago trying to hook up. I am not sure if it is just my insecurity of if it is a valid boundary. And yes, I deleted all of my past lovers off Facebook once we started dating.
But wouldn’t your friend have some resentment that you didn’t come to visit them? So when they saw you, they had some resentment from the previous week
If they won't raise their standard of behaviour to meet your boundaries, then you don't need them in your life. Respecting your own boundaries starts with accepting that.
How does Avoidant behavior differ from the GenZ base mentality that tend to avoid personal or in-depth conversations or relationships. Their communication is often one-sided where 99% of the discussion is engaged from the other side, in that, GenZ seldom initiates the conversation. If they give you a text response, it's short or delayed or they outright just ghosting the other party. It seems to be both Avoidant & Anxious more than a boundary issue. I've not seen anyone really address this directly. 🤔
Im confused A boundary might be : “if you want our commitment to each other you will go no contact with your abusive ex”. That’s always seen as reasonable, right, yet if the partner comes back with “well your more controlling than my ex was, I’m free to stay in contact with whoever I choose”. Well, is it a healthy boundary or a controlling manipulation ???
Boundary is not rule. You don't control other's behavior but warn them that if they continue behave in unacceptable behavior, you will distance from them.
Somebody please stick with this and give me real advice lmao. Is it appropriate for me to like. Ok if this was my situation, could i say "hey, danny, I'm really scared of this trip and i know im gonna be really upset if i have to drive in this storm, can you take me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and help me decompress? I dont want to disappoint you but I feel like I'm gonna be a jerk otherwise" Like. I have a hard time understanding boundaries versus ultimatums. Like a lot of my boundaries are fluid as long as the person agrees to kind of give back what has been taken from me, if that makes sense.
This might help; "The difference between boundaries and the drama triangle is ‘who is responsible for fixing the problem’. If your emotional distress is on the other person to fix; you are in the drama triangle. If your emotional distress is your own; but you want considerations taken for you to thrive, you’ve set a boundary." As long as you are fine with the result that they Danny may or may not choose to postpone or cancel their trip. You've set a boundary, and offered a different solution. (If being together was the main goal). If the trip was the main goal and being together was the secondary objective. That could still technically be within the 'drama triangle' unless you are completely happy with them turning you down and taking the trip instead. In that case softer language on the dinner part could be used to make it clear that it'd be nice, but not needed to be happy, and that your happiness is your responsibility. If you've set a condition that makes them responsible for your wellbeing, you've wandered into the drama triangle. So; "hey, Danny, I'm really scared of this trip and I know I'm gonna be really upset if I have to drive in this storm. I need to you take me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and help me decompress. I don't want to disappoint you but I feel like I'm gonna be a jerk otherwise and ruin your trip" You've now told them they are responsible for how you feel. A statement that shouldn't be true if you are taking care of yourself. Lets say you were invited onto the trip and you aren't sure if the trip or the companionship is the most important aspect; "Hey, Danny, I'm really scared of this trip and I know I'm gonna be really upset if I have to drive in this storm. Maybe we can catch dinner sometime? Hope this doesn't ruin your plans." If the trip was the main plan, you've set the stage to let them go on their trip. If spending time together was the main objective they can choose to scrap the trip and do dinner tonight, or whenever. You've left all options open, and you're boundary is in effect to maintain your wellbeing.
@@Mezza_Luca i would very much mean it the first way, where im really trying to offer options. I have found that people often think im telling them what to do when I'm trying to present options, so i appreciate your thorough response. I think it will be helpful.
