I truly felt unconfortable listening to this and a few times simply hated and felt suspicious towards you. Then realized that truth hurts. Thank you, this might just be life changing, it's a radical paradigm shift for me.
You are the person I want to hang with! This tote of self awareness is exactly the journey so many folks need but are too scared to do. You're doing it and you should be proud! Love to you, I wish you all the peace and happiness! ❤
@@jenaya_laila2442so what are you doing here going over (back to) basics I do wonder? Aware of the triggering effect your commentary has, it’s also apparently nothing bearing/offering nowt but self service, in my perspective.
"People are going to put words in your mouth and accuse you of things that are inaccurate when they are in persecution mode. People are going to act like they will not be okay if you don't rescue them when they are in victim mode. People are going to try to create a dynamic where you are dependent on their help when they are in rescuer mode." 30:30
1. Learn to recognise when you are triggered/ what it feels like and how to interact with integrity or develop system to fall back to protect ourselves(and what not to do) to not be reactive 2. Learn to process your emotions with matured non drama triangle based people (develop social network for getting balanced perspective). 3. Which unmet need you project and learn to meet needs? Inner triggers - protect your inner child by changing your self to meet needs. 4. Figure out relationship norms and preferences and respect other’s preferences and norms without guilting, shaming and blaming. 5. Learn to understand what you ready to lose and let go off, to not lose self respect and opportunity cost. Anywhere honest vulnerable conversation can turn to unsafe situation, it’s worth losing the battle. Don’t enable to win stupid price. Set boundaries and move on with your life and play right games in life.
it hurts to hear this, but i caused drama triangle, and becoming more and more into the victim mindset, and i hope with getting help, i can get better, thank you very much for creating this
I cannot thank you enough for helping me keep my head on my shoulders right now. I'm going through a breakup and whenever I am triggered or tempted to do something that puts me back in the drama triangle, I open one of your videos and it immediately calms me down.
True. I stumbled upon Heidi's article in Thought Catalog years ago when I broke up. Now her videos always on top of my list when it comes to self healing
I never thought of the drama triangle as something I could be involved with outside of a direct interpersonal relationship, simply in my own mindset as an individual. I now realize this is a major problem for me. The title really defines it - I waste a significant amount of time, like, an UNBELIEVABLE amount of time getting self righteous in comment sections on youtube and reddit, and I do this precisely when there is something in the here and now I definitely need to be focusing on. I've always thought it was just focus issues or basic ADHD procrastination/hyperfixation, but this video really wakes me up to the fact that falling into the drama triangle is a maladaptive coping mechanism when I am feeling insecure or incapable about a task in the present. I will lose focus on the task at hand as my my mind fixates on writing the perfect comment to some stranger on the internet about some random topic - sometimes this will be a rescuer role, where I feel this duty to share my experience and advice to someone I feel I can help. Sometimes it will be persecutor, where I will rant about some perceived injustice in society or a cultural norm. Or, I'll be in the victim role, getting lost on CPTSD related youtube channels and reddit pages where I can write and write and write about my experience as a victim and lament with other commenters. Comment section communities are great in moderation, but I'm letting the temptation to use these comments sections as a daily whirlwind into the drama triangle majorly cut into the precious time I have each day to do what I really need to be doing. Heck, I'm doing it right now! Just when I think I know everything about attachment, trauma, and mental health, there you go Heidi Priebe, proving me wrong and continuing to show me new perspectives for my own personal betterment. Keep doin' what you do.
I love how you said that people have the right to be in the drama triangle or be narcissistic. I have a history of trying to “help” my family out of these patterns
Feeling so called out, cringey embarrassed, laughing in relief because you shed some light on a fuzzy area that I was aware existed but didn't know how to make sense of. Thank you for everything you've worked on and shared with the world!
"Maybe the worst thing you can possibly imagine is your partner sleeping with someone else. And you might think, "Yeah, that's a pretty universal preference, I don't necessarily have to communicate or enforce a boundary around that." But, somewhere out there, at this exact moment in time, there is someone who has been scouring the internet and has just learnt the word 'compersion'" Heidi, as a poly person (who always discloses it right at the beginning of a relationship) this sentence made me genuinely laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in such a methodical way, your channel is truly one of my favourites on RU-vid!
Just wow. I’m only half way through this video. But. Wow. It’s mind blowing. I’ve really been walking around life entering relationships expecting that it’s normal to spend my life and energy changing the other person, helping them grow up. I feel like this video is showing something that must be so obvious to normal people. And yet such a deeply ingrained assumption (incorrect assumption) in my personality…. That I didn’t even realize this is where I’m operating from. I’m gonna have to watch this a few times.
Thanks Heidi for one more awesome, in-depth video on drama triangle. You are doing such a wonderful job. I’ve been listening to your videos since last few months and they have really helped me immensely to heal and recover from my childhood conditioning. Stay blessed.
22:11 Very important realisations to have. "People have the right to...." Thanks for putting it into these words. Really resonated with me and helps internalise this fact of life.
Yep the amount of suffering I have caused myself by not acknowledging this fact is immense. Esp when i go into victim " why are they ..?" And then persecutor "I'll work out their .... And then change how they behave!" Urgh, what a painful habit to perpetuate :( I need to hear this daily for the foreseeable future
I take pride in being capable of exerting myself to meet the (unreasonable) expectations of others in savior mode, but after these occasions I need to be alone and recollect myself, which takes longer than I would like. It is very hard for me to state my needs because I fear being called a slacker, like I am not putting enough work into the relationship. Being in savior mode doesn't make me feel triggered or petty, it makes me feel competent. However, I do notice the years wasted by working so hard to live up to standards which, in hindsight, didn't really lead me to achieve goals that were important.
So that’s the one thing I have a problem in this video. Why savior is always the triangle thing? How can we show support and compassion to others? I don’t like “friends” who only like me at my best and mostly happy state. But when I’m upset and feel lost - I feel like they don’t care. So as how I feel about others - if a friend matter to me - I’ll be there for him/her, otherwise we’re left only with superficial and convenient connections.
This is a breath a fresh air! Really reinforces that the only person you can change is yourself, you are not entitled to try to change anyone to better serve yoh
I'm not done with the video yet, but this video is SO timely 😳🤯 my mind is BLOWN. As a budding psychologist, ENFP Virgo I'm always looking to better myself. This video makes me wanna rewatch and take notes 📝 and like really unpack some stuff. Wow. I'll edit with updates if anyone wants me to share 🤷🏾♀️
Yes. I'd love to hear more of your experience. Perhaps I can do that same. The last (and first) video on drama triangle by Heidi was pretty useful and mind opening as well.
Excellent straight shooting video. You can't have growth without personal responsibility. The blame game keeps you stuck and still not getting your needs met, and to me that's the name of the game .
Incredibly eye-opening series. These videos are so concise and well-expressed that I think the time spent watching and re-watching your videos is more valuable than time spent with a therapist (even factoring out the cost!).
I love your drama triangle videos! 🥰 They recently helped me to regulate myself when I was extremely dysregulated and nothing could calm me. I'm so thankful for the content you put out. This knowledge is literally life-saving. I don't know what I would have done without this knowledge two weeks ago. It helped me recognize why I was in so much pain. I feel like working on leaving "the drama triangle" (which I absolutely didn't know I was in) will finally help me heal so that I can start living life to the fullest. Thank you so much!
You have an incredibly insightful, practical and helpful approach to understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle. Never quite heard it explained like this with realistic suggestions on how to live a meaningful, rewarding self-directed life.
Thank you Heidi. This past weekend I watched your video about Depression survival guide. It was so helpful - so deatiled. Probably the best I've ever watched. I'm so grateful I found your channel. Thank you!
Whenever I am ready to make more progress in what has been a decades-long healing process that includes managing CPTSD triggered dysregulation as well as profound behavioral and perception changes, I discover just the right person to guide and accompany me in taking the next steps. Even six months ago, I was not ready to hear what you are saying. I even felt a bit put off by you and much of what you say. Today I am ready to hear and learn from almost everything you say. I don't agree with everything, but there are important lights on my path inside every video. And how did you suddenly become so likeable as well?😆 I write this mostly to let you know that I am deeply grateful that you are sharing your knowledge and wisdom here. Thank you.
1. Have a system for when I’m triggered (have unconscious hidden need) 2. Disengage & come back later [not safe], or become vulnerable and overtly state that I’m triggered [safe] 3. Process my emotions with close and mature people - 아첨쟁이 말고 양쪽 입장을 고려할 수 있는 사람 4. Notice which needs I tend to project -> set boundaries on them 5. Figure out my relationship preferences and norms & Accept that others can have theirs ** Dramatic people have the right to be dramatic. Same for narcissistic,self-victimizing. ** I can’t change them. I can only decide whether I’ll keep engaging with them. 6. Communicate expectations & boundaries explicitly 7. Identify which interpersonal battles I’m willing to lose in order to win my self-respect ** Some people might stay in the drama triangle (can’t be honest with them). There’s an opportunity cost to stay there. If you can’t disengage completely, just losing those battles may be the optimal solution (give up being honest with them). ** Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Just watching the first part now. My problem is that sometimes I fully recognize when I'm triggered, I just get so wrapped up in the emotion that I don't care. I'm able to see what the trigger is, I just don't care. I'm able to see that I'm acting irrationally, but I don't care. I have gotten to the point where I remove myself from the situation so I can be angry elsewhere, so that's good. My angry reactions to things like feeling abandoned are definitely rooted in my abandonment issues from childhood, but more importantly the fact that I was forced to abandon one of my parents. Annnnnd I actually did not know that last part until I started writing this haha. Cool. It totally makes sense because when my dad was upset with himself he would get angry and take it out on someone else. Not only did I learn that behavior, but I missed him and perhaps part of me decided to take on his role so I could be closer to him. Hot damn, I got something to journal about. Edit: just pressed play again and you are immediately talking about reflections of the past. You rock, Heidi.
I watched this video last night and it knocked me over the head while I was at work today what you were talking about. It makes so much sense! This actually did cause a lot of my problems. I had a hunch for a while that something like this was up, but I couldn't formalize it or put it into words. Thank you for making this video! I feel like my life going forward might be slightly more peaceful.
Oh, my. What you said. About grabbing a snack and being well rested. I stopped the video shortly past 2 minutes. This one is rich. Recovering from a cold, I have no appetite and do not feel well rested. Still need broth and naps. Maturing intentionally. I'm nearly 72 years old and comforted by my own gratitude for knowledge of the drama triangle. I admit, the degree and amount of personal accounting literally feels nauseating not simply in the gut, but all over. So? Practicing the DBT STOP skill, after saying all that, I'm ready to relisten to the first 2 minutes of this video. Thank you for sharing your wealth of information and your gift for teaching.
absolutely incredible knowledge! Am currently trying to recover from ending a 3 year relationship entrenched in the drama triangle. Desperately looking for answers to what happened as we are both intelligent people but our relationship dynamic was car crash! You are the only expert I have come across that can truly explain, define and show examples of what has been happening - it is so comforting, enlightening, and actually life saving! Huge thank you for your in-depth videos, you are leagues above everyone else on RU-vid in your field ❤
So many important things covered. Amazingly well-done. I’m going to listen to this a few times to digest it. I found myself saying to myself “yikes! That’s me..”thank you for this.
Heidi, I can't thank you enough for sharing your education, personal experiences, and attachment style evolution into a secure mindset. I have watched so many of your videos now. I feel like I couldn't have found a better RU-vid spirit animal to help me through this difficult transition out of a dysfunctional anxious/avoidant relationship. You have both helped me understand my shadow side and face the negative attributes that I am perpetuating. You helped me feel less insane and finally able to frame the heartbreaking patterns of the drama triangle and the confusion from being gaslit into accepting all of the blame for the dysfunction in my relationship. This has led to me being emotionally stronger and able to let go of someone I deeply love, but is deep within a drama triangle that I can no longer allow to interfere with my emotional, social, and professional stability. It's incredibly sad and emotionally complicated to let a relationship like this go, because as you explained, the urge to correct the false narrative can keep you in a pattern of coming back to correct the slander an ex can spread like a virus. I can't stop that. Thank you for saying it out loud. It's one of the last strings I need to release so that I do not lose any more of my valuable time being sucked into the anxious/avoidant relationship pitfalls. The amount of hours lost over the last year and a half to drama weighs heavy on me. Lots of lost opportunity for professional growth and passed social activities from being emotionally exhausted and depressed. I wish I would have watched this video one year ago. This relationship was chaos from day two. I wish I knew then what I know now, thanks to you. 😁🙏
Dear Heidi, so grateful for your videos!!! Discovered your channel some days ago, and it's a perfect recap of my own healing journey!!! Solidifying everything I have learned, practice now and have been sharing with people, thank you for all you share!!
Damn. This video is so helpful. I can see how much I have been persecuting people for their choices instead of honoring my own. Really helpful to see this!
So very grateful I found your channel! You speak my language and it is INSANE how much just listening to you helps me to not just hear it but see it and how to fix it without all the “tough love” people think you need just clear understanding of what you are doing and experiencing ❤
6 месяцев назад
You are GODSENT! Thank you so much for everything you have shared with us
I feel happy to hear videos that make so much sense out of crappy prize relationships which I play one role or the other. Jay sherry says sometimes we are helped and then others help us. So, keep the how to details about the lines we need to draw and still love others as we love ourselves 🙏
Excellent, informative video, as usual! Your advice reminds me so much of a book I read this past weekend, "Whole Again" by Jackson Mackenzie. Thank you for helping so many of us heal. ❤❤❤
Thanks for calling me out on my shit as usual. You really do have a way of cutting right to the heart of it. What you said about not inadvertently going into Persecutor mode while using Attachment Theory as to others. Especially the idea of not trying to shape people in my life to meet certain needs or have certain qualities instead of finding people with those qualities really did hit home for my FA self. Like on some level I already knew this but you delivered it in such a clear and actionable way that it’s prevented me from acting on those impulses and given me a path forward.
I don’t have a big enough pool of people (as you suggest) to go off and just stop associating with people and connect with new people. Ugh. It’s not easy just creating new best friends, or a new mother, or a new child. - Love your videos by the way. You’re so well spoken.
Thank you very much, Heidi. I have never heard of "The Drama Triangle" before. It is really illuminating to listen to what you have described. I've learned some essential things from you in the past few months about the influence of different attachment styles as well as about The Drama Triangle. I'm familiar with the concept of attachment styles. It makes a difference to hear them described in relationship & situational contexts. Everyone could benefit from knowing about both.
I am so glad I found your channel in just a few short weeks. It’s been so impactful in my relationship. Some have gotten elevated and others I have disengaged in. It’s not easy but I don’t feel that I’m wasting my life. I’m being true to myself. It’s a new perspective on things and I love it. Thank you.
Heidi, and followers, as a fearful avoidant, this is the most important video I have seen. Thank you! BTW, I feel as though you know me, maybe it's just my type.
I am so happy to have found your channel. In conflict I go between victim and persecutor. But mostly persecutor because in most of my conflicts the other person comes to me as the victim. Being the victim in this drama triangle feels so manipulative and that rubs me the wrong way.
You are such a gift!! You are helping me so much. I said something to my gf that was hurtful to her even though my intention was to just share how I was feeling in that moment. I see now that I was triggered and very deep in the drama triangle. I ‘ve been trying to make sense of what took over me that day because I do not care to repeat it ever again. I don’t want to keep making those same mistakes and hurting my romantic relationship. Thank you for giving me a life raft and navigation tools. 🙏
Thank you Heidi. I’ve been in the rescuer position and you’ve so eloquently explain my triggers so I can take conscious steps to stop choosing those responses. I was in a relationship with someone who had explicitly told me they didn’t know what they want from a relationship - but they enjoyed spending time with me and cared about me so I took a chance to see if they might change their mind. 6 months later we broke up. I’m 3 weeks in no contact and this video is a bucket of cold water for me to realise that I have a hard boundary that I need someone who knows what they want from life, as I do. I want to be their supporter and I want that support back as well. Your videos are helping me to understand myself so much better and do the work to be ready to enter a mature relationship in the future.
This video was painful to watch as I was drowning in shame from having to admit to myself that I was responsible. I need to stop doing this to myself, it's just that I can't imagine any other way to exist. Thank you, I will keep coming back to this until I'm able to speak about it with the same enthusiasm as you do. ♡
This gave me chills. Before I started watching your channel I didn't even know I had a relationship with myself. You've changed my life for the better. I have had trouble letting my ex go and, at least in this moment, have a new perspective on things. Thanks. ❤
This is awesome. Could you break down the part around 36 minutes where you talk about where if you win the drama triangle, you win a stupid prize? Would love to hear some real life examples to get more clear on what exactly this looks like.
this is so helpful!! for the last few months I’ve been really bothered by the ways some of my friends have been talking about certain topics, and I know that my first-instinct approach of coming in guns blazing and trying to explain why I think their perspectives are Bad and Unethical and Wrong isn’t coming from a healthy place and won’t lead to good results, but I also don’t feel ready to talk directly about it with them in any other way, so I’ve been just sitting there being silently uncomfortable. after listening to this video, I’ve realized I can simply be like “hey guys, I love talking with you, but I don’t wanna listen to y’all talk about this topic in this way, so I’m going to leave and come back when y’all are finished.” it’s that easy!
Thank you, just discovering this drama triangle and thought I understood it as something I create then BAM you said others will invite you into one and then you can end up taking on the roles instead of directing the solutions with the other triangle. That can explain so many conflicts, when you do not even know how they started. It seems best to just say, you do not seem to be in a good mood, we can talk about it later or you just end up continuing in a play you did not sign up for.
I told my mother that labelling me paranoid hurt me and she instantly became the victim of me, then my father leapt her ''rescue'' to reprimand me for hurting mum. I realised it's set up like that. Nothing can change either, because any kind of feedback is perceived by my mother as an attack which my Dad will rescue her from by castigating and shaming me. 3 years of silent treatment now because I won't play that game. There's no happy ending where they see the error of their ways though.
You can only be the better version of yourself. And You can be proud of leaving them behind and move on to better places. You can make or break the live that you live, by looking in the back mirror, or look ahead where you want to be. And it seems you are doing the right thing. It still feels sad if people don't want to learn. But you can't be held back by that anymore. I wish you the best, even when i don't know you.
One thing that often doesn't get the attention it deserves in our recovery journey is grief. A lot of people who mean well but are still nursing old wounds will say, "You don't need that negativity anyway! Personal growth is the way forward, but all they'll try and do is hold you back." And sure, there's truth in that. But the truth is: you DID need parents who could give and receive love appropriately and enthusiastically. You did need caregivers who could model consistent and appropriate personal accountability and meaningful respect. But letting go of the people we never got can be just as heartbreaking as losing someone who can't be here with us anymore, no matter much we loved them or they loved us. Not to have them anymore...god, it just hurts like hell... But we don't have the possibility of having that life we imagined with them anymore. The option to un-"wound" ourselves just isn't one we get, but we can at least learn good ways to help us carry the scars. In a lot of ways, death is easier to move on from than knowing someone just...doesn't care enough to *want* to not be hurtful. It's called "complicated grief" for the very reason that it just makes no damn sense at all. "You deserved better than you got. Someone's gotta say it sometime cos it's true. People should have told you you were awesome, instead of taking advantage of you." John Darnielle, the Mountain Goats.
@@waynepolo6193 I feel moved by your comment. It's too real and too relatable. I agree to every word you said. Yes. We need to grieve those losses. Complicated grief is real. It seems our grief is disproportionate for the loss. But it hurts. Sometimes more than death. It's a different sort of grief.
@@waynepolo6193 absolutely, I am so sad that it just couldn't be resolved. There was very nearly a simple solution, that we sat down and talked, and heard, and reconnected, and that didn't happen and it is heart breaking, even though I don't need that ''negativity in my life''.
found your videos a week ago and i've already watched several hours worth. your ability to clearly and accurately shine a light on things i've been feeling for a decade plus is unbelievable and incredibly healing. thank you heidi
Killing it!! No matter how many ways I can get Chat GPT to write this out and get all the buzz words that'll make you feel AmAzInG it all boils down to: This resonates with me and I want to reward you. Yet it seems that this healing has already fruited for you. I've healed immensely and feel inspired; thanks for your contributions and tribulations.
Thank you, i didn't realize that for the past two or three years i have been subconsciously trying to break out of the drama triangle without realizing what I was doing after engaging in it with finding people to fix, some of whom would also go into the drama triangle right next to me (not all!). All i knew was that I wanted peace, but was empirically testing what would give me peace. I need to watch this a third time and write notes to put up on my walls as a reminder.
Heidi, great video; applause! This video annoyed me & made me uncomfortable in the best way possible. *sigh* Piercing clarity as always. Welp... Its clear I have much to work on now. Haha.Thank you so much!
“This is not a formula for an easy life. This is the formula for not wasting your life on things like refusing to identify and make clear what you actually want out of it” -HP
