Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker: www.pete-walker.com/ Toxic Shame: What It Is & How To Heal From It • Toxic Shame: What It I... CPTSD: Breaking The Toxic Shame/Procrastination Cycle • CPTSD: Breaking The To...
You can also get emotional flashbacks when everything in life seems great and when everything seems better than ever before, without anything in particular that happened. I had this happen before. It's because there is finally enough space, safety and mental capacity to deal with certain emotions which we didn't have the capacity for before. I just wanted to put that out there because understanding this helps a lot if you can't find any reason for your feelings. 🖤
I really like this. I went to a party some time ago, had a great night out then came back home and had a hideous panic attack. I couldn’t t understand why it had happened. I totally unravelled after that. But now some months later, that panic attack was the best thing to ever happen to me because it led me to face a very important truth about myself. Something that years of introspection had prepared me to finally face up to in a way I could effect real change in myself.
6:26 "a healed state does not mean your life is suddenly bursting with deep connection but it does likely mean you no longer have to reach and cling to unhealthy dynamics out of desperation" you summed it up perfectly
Summary of the video: 1. 2:30 Realize not faulted, its developmental trauma 2. 4:20 Seek authentic connection 3. 6:40 Recognize trigger and cope in a healthy way 4. 8:40 Healthy assertiveness more than flight 5. 10:10 Healthy trust of others through discernment and both self regulate 6. 12:00 Mistakes with compassion 7. 14:00 Restored faith in existence of kind, competent adults 8. 16:50 Open to vulnerability 9. 17:40 Recognize your recovery is unique 10. 19:40 Life is made of ebbs and flows
I feel that way sometimes too but think about it as a spiral 🌀 like 3 steps forward 2 steps back and eventually you get over the hump and can start moving more linearly ❤
It took me 5 months to accept that both my parents are narcissists and 9 months to accept that I have CPTSD. I was so hard for me to admit that I was actually abused, even though I was physically abused as well. And I think that if I hadn’t witnessed my parents abuse towards my little brother during these months, I would’ve probably just told myself that i’m exaggerating and gaslight myself. I think that society in a whole just makes it even harder to do so. And even the criteria for diagnosis and the ACE test are pretty invalidating and can make you question yourself
Your body knows when it's been abused by someone because you have a feeling of uneasiness around that person that makes you feel unsafe even if everything appears "normal" during your "interaction" with them.
“And the biggest kind of surprise in my own healing process was recognizing that actual healing was about reclaiming the person I actually am, and no longer being ashamed to show that person to the world.” That quote (and section of the video) hit me especially hard. Thanks for making and posting this video Heidi ❤❤❤
Wow, the "I only trust other people with trauma because they get me and "normal" people make me feel like a freak in comparison" is a huge problem in my life....😢 But still I'm on my healing journey. I'm hopeful it will get better.
Thanks, Heidi! All of your videos are incredibly well-planned, well-informed, and beneficial to helping people be more in control of their lives, relieve stress and pain, and be their best self. Hearing you validate our feelings and explain how to move out of negative patterns in invaluable. You're one of the best out there. This thank you and $$ is for all of your videos! So glad you have gone on a journey to understand yourself better and be in a more regulated state so you can enjoy a great life that you're helping all of us work toward.
It's been the longest path. Lonnnnggggg. I got my diagnosis in 2019. It's obvious that i had trauma, I wasn't aware of how deeply ingrained these past experiences were in my body though. Its a long path. Lots of grieving, setting standards and therefore boundaries. I'm beyond to where I'd like to be, but I'm a million miles away from where I was. I'm really thankful for your videos! They help a lot. I struggle in all relationships. Communication is getting better. Step by step I'm unwinding! Great video Heidi!!
Thanks for sharing , I have had bad chronic health problems for 20 years and only 10 month ago I realized I got C-PTSD, so much starts to make sense and falls into place, but I'm aware its a long journey ahead for betterment. Glad to know others on this path too.
Truly such a moving channel, both internally and externally. Life has felt like I’m navigating a pitch black room, arms outstretched and bumping into every piece of furniture possible. This channel shines a very focused light on where I’ve bumped into things before, and allows me to see them in order to avoid them again. Life sucks when you “bump into furniture,” this channel teaches you to give yourself grace for bumping into things and for feeling the pain of it. Even when the light is shined on it May we all learn where our furniture lies. Avoid it the best we can in each moment. And feel/accept the pain of a stubbed toe here and there, knowing we’re learning with each step
I have a friend who’s currently battling with CPTSD. She has told me a lot about her story and I can’t tell you how many times I have cried for her. I am so angry at the person who abused her for a year and a half. She did not deserve any of that. So she became a friend for a month or two and then things started moving towards more than friends. She has been vulnerable with me quite a bit and told me a lot about her. Which means a whole lot to me. She told me: “I know you’re not my ex.” “You are a good person, and you won’t use all this as a weapon against me” I told her that I would never do that. At first, I didn’t fully understand how horrible this illness is on someone. She’s told me about how her brain works and how much damage her ex has caused to her body and mind. It’s so sad and I’m so angry. She has pulled away from me which now i understand why. Because I have been doing my own research on this and everything makes sense. I have realized it’s not me. She’s just not healed enough for a relationship yet. She told me that herself. I hope I can continue to reach out to her every once in a while letting her know “I am here, and I am not going anywhere. If you need to talk to someone I am here. Right now, as a friend.” Building trust with a person with this takes time. I am not going to force her to respond because I know she will do it on her own time. I am just wanting to show her that I am here for support. We both want a romantic relationship and we know it will take a while for her to heal. But I want to show her what a good relationship is without all the abuse. I know I can give that to her and I hope she can learn to trust me.
That's very nice of you. I hope you researched C-PTSD enough. It can give you secondary trauma if the person isn't handling their illness (which is a life long healing journey due to how the brain is deeply wired).
One of the many toxic things we as people with cptsd do is overthinking and all this psychology makes us overthink even when we draw breath thinking "oh god did I do it right?" !!!
You are just amazing. I just wanted you to know that. I cry watching your videos, because now I know there is a name for how I have been feeling since I was 11… CPTSD. It’s not just my weird personality.
As a survivor of complex childhood developmental trauma who has engaged in different kinds of healing modalities over the years, I can say that your videos are incredibly insightful in both conceptual as well as practical ways. Thank you. The struggles with C-PTSD can often feel overwhelming. Practical guidance, models of how to approach ourselves & lives & most of all feeling compassion for our humanness is greatly needed. I agree that admitting to ourselves when we are facing a difficult time or cycle is really important. Yes, it takes humility to face what we need to face. Bringing even more compassion to ourselves during these times is essential. .
My inner child just keeeeeps eating omg Which is a huge step up from binging drugs and alcohol Adult self gotta have to love and compassionate me away from the creamy sauce farfalles 😩 Thx as always Priebe! You were pivotal in my journey
I'm also going through a reread of Pete Walker's book after reading it a few years ago at the advice of my therapist, and I'm so grateful in reading that and watching this video, to have some of the healing benefits already in my life. It took years to admit to myself that things that happened to me were traumatic. Now I don't shame myself so much for the self-soothing I did to survive. Thank you for being vulnerable about your own journey of healing too!
I have read Pete Walker’s book “Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; from surviving to thriving” seventeen times. It is a very comprehensive resource. Each time I have read it, I have gained something different. The journey to healing is long. It helps to refer regularly to Pete Walker’s ‘map’. Thank you for this video Heidi. You are doing great work! 💕
I think your right....The Psychiatrist I went to said she had never seen someone with such extreme trauma's leading to CPTSD. Most people in an extreme stressful situation may crumble. ... To me, it's a common occurance and almost normal. Perhaps my purpose is to be here with adaptive skills ( Emerg nurse / firefighter ) that can help when most ' cant '. I still have to learn self compassion though... I could use some caring emotion from someone.
The “don’t leave me now” part is something that I will steal for myself, as I needed something like this precisely today, and nothing else worked, but this - did. Thank you real much for sharing ❤
I needed this today. I’m doing so much work and researching into my CPTSD and this helps immensely in letting me know that I am on the right track. You are one of my favorite Gurus in my life that is helping me to make the changes that I need to become the best version of myself that I can. Without you and others who are giving so much of yourselves to those of us who are struggling it would be a much harder road to travel. Thank you again from the bottom of my soul!
This is really beautiful and what I’m experiencing….. I was seeking out mentors and they would take advantage of me and I also was wanting to be desired.. now I’m supporting myself and looking for women mentors and healing communities so we can contribute to each others healing journeys…
Hello devoted viewers here on Heidi's channel. And thank you Heidi for your incredibly useful articulation here. This channel has been an absolute life-changing road map for me: ---> Toxic Shame ---> Lying ---> moving towards neutrality and authentic self. I am a 55 yr old woman with c-ptsd. But how would I even know about the c-ptsd? My whole life I've had such a rich, 3-dimentional inner social life. I was the 'daydreaming' kid. Oh, and it was rich, magical and so completely fulfilling... Fast forward ---> At my age now, I'm beginning to decipher, Hey, where are the ACTUAL friends and people. Lol. With humor and patience, I am untangling the inner and outer social worlds. I am particularly struck by your mention of 'merging fantasy with reality'. This is mind blowing. If you're ever inspired, I'd love to celebrate here on this channel how the human soul has natural escape-'isms' like dissociation, especially how children have "Imaginary Friends". I think all humans have this brilliant capacity and response to trauma. Some more than others. Any thoughts about celebrating those Imaginary Friends who got us through all the hard times?
I’m also on my second read of Pete Walker’s book, its been 3-4 years since I first read it. I decided to pick it up again a couple of weeks ago, because you’ve mentioned it so frequently in your videos. Another RU-vidr references it a lot too. Through this second reading, I’ve seen how far I’ve come these past few years in my healing. I didn’t realize how much my mindset and behaviors have shifted, but it feels great to have these markers and see that healing is actually possible, and actively occurring little by little. It has also driven home some other points that didn’t really click for me on the first read through. When you said something about originally thinking healing would be just a better place to hide, wow. I’d never been able to articulate that thought, but that’s exactly what I thought healing would be. The way you’re able to phrase things really helps me better understand certain concepts, and I’m so thankful to you for putting these videos out. They’ve been a huge help! Right now I’m really focused on developing meaningful friendships with people who are able to understand trauma and who are actively working to heal. My husband doesn’t have a background of trauma or CPTSD, but he works really hard to understand and be a safe person. I’m very grateful for him. However, I haven’t found anyone yet in terms of friendship. I’ve been putting myself out there more, but its similar to dating in some ways. I’ve met up with a few people, but we just didn’t click, and that’s okay. I’m still hopeful that I’ll find meaningful friendship someday. I’ve also been able to let go of friendships that aren’t good for me, so, progress! Thank you again, for all that you do for this community 😊
Heidi, I have been struggling with something I couldn't put my finger on my entire life. (I thought I was damaged and there was something wrong with me 🙈), and your videos have explained the symptoms of Complex-PTSD/Toxic Shame are the most informative and thorough explanations yet. This is the 3rd video of yours I have watched, and I am looking forward to more in the very near future. I appreciate all the hard work you've put forth to make sure people like me are informed properly. ❤❤❤ Thx, Brit
I just had a major revelation that I've been failing to effectively meet my healing needs, and it's caused my life to spiral out of control. A big factor of that was being in denial about how severe my symptoms have become.
WOW! I keep being blown away by how well you seem to know my issues and be able to articulate them. I've never heard most of these things and I was raised by and have been working with therapists most of my life. A couple hours with you as my therapist on RU-vid is more work, of the right kind, then I've been able to do in decades. It's hard to not be mad at them for not being able to guide me the way you are now. I mention these things to my current therapist and he give me blank stares like I'm bring up something never heard of before and worse he was dismissive.
Seems like you need to change therapist. I go to the center for nonviolence for my therapy. When I bring up things she hasn't heard about - she takes notes & I send her the link to what I was talking about. I can truly say that the center for nonviolence & doing my own research has saved my life. I wish you the best on your healing. It is a struggle, but worth it.
@@patriciavanwinkle3693 Yes, I do need to do that. I just get so frustrated that it seems like these PHD therapists don't know even the most basics about trauma and healing from trauma. They all want to do talk therapy because I guess they just want to coast through their sessions just saying, "how did you feel about that?" and doing nothing else. Every once in a while, I'll work with someone who just gets lucky and says the right thing that actually helps me think in the right way, but it's purely luck and not even something they really notice until I point it out.
@@erichaberman3812 By saying " I just get so frustrated that it seems like these PHD therapists don't know even the most basics about trauma and healing from trauma. They all want to do talk therapy because I guess they just want to coast through their sessions just saying" That means you are looking for external answers, while the answers are within. However I do find it helpful to have a good therapist. I am lucky to have a GREAT therapist. I do most of my learning through youtube videos like this. There are some Great videos & some will mislead you - you know (deep inside) what you need. The book that Heidi Priebe suggest - Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker (Audiobook) (FREE) ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-E2yIjz5lqDYo.htmlne . Also Prof. Sam Vaknin is good -> www.youtube.com/@samvaknin
@@erichaberman3812I imagine that it’s also frustrating that they aren’t doing research in response to finding out they don’t know about these things. I would think that being aware of relevant research would compel them to look into it instead of just keeping things the same. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re coaching your therapist all the time.
“Everyone makes mistakes “- heard it all my life, just now believe it. Another big one that I recently learned, and that I created is “Everyone has Bad luck Sometimes”. ( I thought I was cursed.). Bad luck from things that could be controlled and also bad luck of things beyond our control. Seeing lucky people trip made me realize that I was wrong and not cursed.
I am a therapist and I recommend this book to my clients! So good. Also, you are such a wonderful coach and I recommend your videos to my clients who I am guiding them m attachment trauma.
Thank you ❤ I am on the healing journey but I just had a situation that triggered me and I felt so anxious and crazy, I felt like my healing wasn't working but knowing that it is normal to still have bad days on this journey feels nice
Dear Heidi, thank you so much for this video. I'm a fan of your work. While watching this video, I had to pause a few times because I found myself going into my head and imagining a fight response-I tend to go that way, after spending childhood and young adulthood in fawn and freeze responses. I don't think I have CPTSD, as my history and symptoms seem to align more with Childhood Emotional Neglect, but the effects are similar in that I have been prone to dysregulation. I'm dysregulated as often now-for comparison, I was dysregulated for months from 2014 to maybe 2021. I managed to mostly resolve my toxic shame some time last year, and that has softened a lot. Now, my struggle is with toxic blame. I am objectively justified in blaming people whose choices made me this way, and it's currently my path of healing. The struggle is that my holding on to blame keeps me from taking responsibility for myself and my suffering now. It's hard when one of my parts is a wounded and tyrannical child seeking revenge, and it's taking a while to shift from blame to accountability. Anyway, I just thought I'd share; knowing you've struggled with CPTSD and have come this far helps me a lot, because you know on that deep level what it's like. Please know that I see you and have much sympathy for our collective suffering. Thank you again for all your work.
I interpreted in this, the message that we will never be permanently securely attached- but that we can come close enough, and can use this healed place in us and can relate and respond to the world in the best state we can.
The intro really touched me. I've been fighting myself HARD for weeks trying to read Pete Walker's book on PTSD and the book Healing The Shame That Binds us, only to find myself closing tgen minutes after I started. I would ask myself why I was bothering to read something that wasn't written for me. but for people with actual struggles, actual trauma, actual external problems, whatever. I chalked my own struggles up to being dramatic and flawed and like you mentioned, just incompetent when it came to managing the central aspects of my life. And even though I fought with these ideas on some instinctual level, I just didn't have the strength to fully rise out of them and hold space to even validate myself like having imposter syndrome for trauma. Thank you for at least being an external voice that encouraged me to give it another go. I've fallen so far in resignation from trying to overcome these seemingly inherent and wired flaws in myself that make me 'oh so different', but watching your videos literally gives me hope that one day I will be able to understand and unconditionally love all parts of myself consistently. The clinging out of desperation thing is so familiar to me. Genuinely wondering if not all people did this when growing up at least though? Does everyone just have cptsd? I also really love the eay you said that the self soothing is not just a lack of self control but actually related to being triggered. On a surface level I knew this, but it didn't really dawn on me why things like that happen. "No matter how much healing I've done in my life, I don't want to be believe that I'm above struggling." Was also such a powerful statement. Can definitely relste to apparent periods of progress followed by patches of desperation that sweep me off my feet... 😅
I think I’m going to complete degree in that also ABA went to autism I’m so glad you mentioned that I remember my ABA professor felt like the most authentic person I met in my learning journey whether that have been in work or school. Thankyou Heidi!
I think the biggest thing I noticed with the last point is that I can actually expend a bit of excess energy during my “good times” in preparation for an upcoming “bad time.” Before I’d be “riding the high” and procrastinating fundamental things that would have helped me weather an upcoming stressful demand. Now I can kind of ebb and flow between them, finding time to enjoy myself during periods of “survival” and finding time to get to work during periods of “thriving”
Thank you for sharing your struggles. Thank you for fighting your anxiety and the devastating thoughts and feelings of selfdoubt. Thanx to the people who were able to reach out to you, and set you on this path. Thanx you for this message, as for the many others you sent out so far! As for all you out there, i'm wishing you peace, calm and trust for the path you are on! Pressure makes diamonds
@Thomasbakker1355. I do not know you and will never meet you, but I want you to know that your message here has blessed me more than you can ever know. Thank you. I pray that you can see how true it is that ‘the best in life and love and happiness are ahead of you’.
And thabk you for giving me hope!!! I was beggining to think that a happy life wasn't possible for me. But looking at you...hearing how wise you are and how at peace... You've shown me that it is possible. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this video. I’m 14 months into trauma therapy with a recent diagnosis of C-ptsd. It’s good to know what it is as I’m 59 and it’s been a tough journey. This list helps me know that I’m almost ready to finish these sessions but I know I can go back if I need to.
The way you lay out and frame this subject matter is some of the best teaching I’ve come across (in my life, not just RU-vid). Thank you for both seeking out education and telling your story.
"I do not go down without a fight". 21:20 Battered face, swollen eyelids, bleeding fist, trembling legs, weak arms. Phew! "Hey, relax. Please ease up. Just be willing...willing to learn... willing to cooperate with the inevitable. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaase..." Legs giving way...muscles less tensed, fist unclenched, slight trembling, sobbing... "Okay...okay"
❤ Listening to this list was both encouraging because I recognize some progress in all of these areas, and also comforting and wonderfully reassuring that I'm not the defective one in life, and that I'm not alone in these struggles. Thank you so much!!!
I can feel myself healing , with alot of therapy . The thing I'm struggling with is a friendship i currently have,shes an aweskme friend but she has her own traumas,sometimes i feel dismissed,bit u know that can be due to my own triggers from childhood. So im currently working on expanding my friend group . I think thats the best way to get the support i need,and to also give it to others. Thank you for this video.
I’m FA leaning Anxious and sometimes I think recovery means moving more towards the DA end of the spectrum. I mean that’s what recovery looks like with maybe more self awareness than an unrecovered DA. One thing I’m realising is that its going to take a long time before I feel any significant reduction in emotional intensity when I see people in my life who in the past I have felt a strong reaction to (eg usually a strong fawn, fight or freeze response to). Which is almost everyone I know well in reality. I’m going to try hard to be self aware of those responses and not act on them but I know I’m still going to feel that discomfort and anxiety before, during and after seeing them. Which feels disappointing when I think I’ve done so much work to try to recover. But as you mentioned, cognitively knowing something doesn’t automatically translate into healing.
That famous box of memories that we keep, may be a box reflecting hidden emotions not express effectively. Thankfully, I have many, deep and healthy relationships in my life; not perfect but deeply connected. I cannot imagine going through life without them, or how anyone could go through life like that.
There's a range of sources I'm going to daily for content, but I only come here when I'm feeling very focused and capable, because I know there's a high chance I'll get something revelatory or highly resonating and there's only so much of that I can cope with. This lesson hit that spot once again. Thank you, Heidi! 😢❤ This reinforces where I'm finally at in my journey. Plus, I'm going to watch it again and pay special attention to the latter parts for focus points for moving forward. I particularly found points 2 and 9 the most affecting. Whilst I'm here, I want to say thanks SO MUCH for essay 21 in 'This Is Me Letting You Go', titled 'Let Me Fall In Love With Your Darkness'. I have read it many times because it sees one of the most shame-filled parts of me and helps me feel normal about it; that is, not have to believe I need to hide it away, but to keep all of myself and my life and seek to thrive even with it. ❤❤
When it comes to assertiveness the most important thing for me, or the key I needed to have before I could even think about using the key you describe in this video, is that I am even capable to thinking something about someone. I had no idea. When I was younger and someone was mean to me, I didn't think anything. It was completely blank, I truly had nothing to say. It was never only that I was too afraid or to self demeaning to stand up for myself, I had no idea that I could ever think that the person was mean to me to begin with. I didn't know that when someone is mean to me that gives me a feeling (I feel sad or angry) which can lead to a thought (this person was mean to me which is why I'm angry and is is wrong to be mean to me) which can lead to an opinion (I think this person is mean to me/this is a mean person). Only THEN am I able to even comprehend that "standing up for myself" is an option.
I have a suspicion that many of us who eventually realize we DO have Complex Trauma, are the scapegoats of our family. Which automatically makes us question ourselves. I also loved this book but had real trouble with his "emotional flashback" procedure. It's so many steps and so complicated. And I suppose I've been in emotional flashback all my life, so I had a hard time knowing when I was supposed to use it. I have been resisting watching your video on that, because I found it so dense and unhelpful in a moment of crisis, but I'm interested to hear your take. I will get to it soon.
Is there a link between c-ptsd and self-abandonment? I got diagnosed by an app with “childhood emotional neglect” and never really looked into it…..Now that I found your channel I think I can finally start to heal looking back at my life. Thank you more than words can say.❤️
Hey Heidi - I hope it's okay to share some of my story I'm about to turn 28 and am coming out of a period of ~10 years of toxic shame, limerence, CPTSD (so far undiagnosed but I resonate with it immensely), left unresolved and ultimately resulting in severe and prolonged physical and social self-isolation/loneliness. I'm ridden close to the edge for a long time and basically not been living my life, I've deprived myself of the things that have always given me the most joy. I wasn't only experiencing personal trauma/shame but shame about retreating from the world and its people and problems that as a young person I cared so much about. I've been through the health system, been labelled and treated for anxiety, depression, but life didn't really get any better because little changed within myself, and I always felt like I was missing something. It's been through your videos that I've genuinely felt heard and have been able to put to words what has crippled me since late adolescence. I've recently started out on a true healing process and boy does it feel good, even the pain feels good. Combined with conventional therapy, heaps of journaling and some powerful cathartic experiences this year I feel like I've got down into the roots and am untangling myself free. I'm starting to understand the meaning of self-love for the first time, and compassion for your younger self, how love can be so much more. I've also reconnected with the person I was infatuated with and now view them as a treasured friend but no longer an object of desire. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your expertise. Every day I'm noticing new things changing about myself, colour and humour and curiosity returning, the fog of anxiety and self-hatred fading away. I've felt more present and clarity over the last few weeks than ever before in my adult life. Grief is so incredibly powerful and transformative. I am filled with so much hope and determination to make up for lost time, get out of my head, and get to work One question I've been thinking about recently, for someone in my position who wants to 'come out to the world', how much vulnerability is too much? Is there a limit or should you just share what feels right to you? Because at the moment I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain Bless you and much love ❤ Martin
Congratulations on making it this far in your journey to healing and becoming your radiant self. Thanks so much for sharing your stories, your challenges, and your current questions. I, too, like to go "deep" in nearly all my relationships, but I've learned that many people are not into depth and vulnerability early in a relationship (acquaintance, friendship, romance). I have two suggestions. First, notice when people are extra vulnerable when communicating with you. You can try to "meet them" by sharing something vulnerable about yourself. Then wait for them to reciprocate. At some point, they may pull back, and that's a sign they have reached their limit. You should pull back in response. Second, you might try speak directly and asking for what you want: "Can I go deep with you? Can I share some really vulnerable stuff? I want to check in before I open up. Let me know if you are receptive, and if now is a good time for this conversation.". If you get any answer that is evasive, deflects into a joke, or is anything less than a full-throated "yes!", then you can assume that this person is not receptive to a deep + vulnerable conversation. GREAT. You have just saved yourself (and them) from a frustrating and difficult experience. Best wishes!
Hi Heidi, do these signs of healing also include healing codependency? I’m nine months into my CPTSD recovery. Your channel has truly made me feel like I’m not alone in this experience of trauma. Other than my therapist and the books I read no one “gets” it. Watching you speak vulnerably about your own experiences makes CPTSD so much more relatable. Deeply grateful for what you do 🥰
@ ashleymckeown5664. Codependence is the ‘fawn’ response. Pete Walker describes 4 ‘F’ responses to overwhelming stress. Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. The person with CPTSD has a dominant ‘fawn’ response. Think of fawning as ‘people pleasing’. Codependence is not so much the result of CPTSD as it is one of the root causes. Healing from CPTSD is a process that involves the following: 1. Identifying when you are having an emotional flashback and have been thrown into a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. 2. Managing your emotional flashbacks 3. Developing skills for emotional regulation that are natural for people who experienced ‘ good enough’ nurturing in childhood. (Pete Walker calls this ‘overcoming developmental arrests) 4. Grieving loss on multiple levels (loss of safety and security, loss of self esteem, loss of self) before finally being able to face the core of your CPTSD; the abandonment depression. 5. Realising that you will never be the ‘same’ as a person who has not experienced profound trauma, but that there are many ‘silver linings’ (eg deeper experience of joy and peace, and connectedness to trustworthy others). Eventually we are able to give up the various fantasies that keep us from experiencing true healing: the salvation fantasy (belief that we will one day cease to experience heightened distress and flashbacks), the revenge fantasy ( where the people who harmed us are punished), the compensation fantasy (where good things come to us because of what we experienced). The goal of CPTSD recovery is not to be like other people (who have never experienced profound trauma), but to be our authentic selves. The result of all this hard work is that we become more emotionally regulated, more capable of dealing with emotional pain and more able to be our authentic selves. In my experience, when you do the work you reach a point where your true self has been so strengthened that you no longer need the fawn response. Codependence, which once helped you survive, now becomes an obstacle in your path. So you navigate your way around it and get on with your life. I hope this helps. I recommend reading Pete Walker’s book “Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; from surviving to thriving” (I have read it 17 times and will probably read it again soon). I also recommend (on RU-vid) Fortress Mental Health Protection System (watch the 8 tutorials and see if Richard Grannon is for you) Take care and be kind to yourself.
@@johannagrace7768 Thank you for the RU-vid recommendation! I thought I was subscribed to EVERY trauma/mental health channel on RU-vid, & running low on content…nice to come across a new hidden gem 💎
I love all of your videos, Heidi, and this one was one that has given me some encouragement. Even when I feel like I'm barely moving down my own healing path, I'm still making progress no matter how small it is. The fact that you keep posting all the fantastic videos that you do is amazing. I will have to remember to look at myself in the mirror and say, "Don't leave me now" when I'm feeling like a dumpster fire. Thank you so much!
I’m grateful you are talking openly about these sorts of people that we see ourselves like. I have been coming out this weird stage of guilt for leaving a large friend group and it’s important to talk about these perspective molds that are molded around avoiding people that don’t have attachment difficulties.
"Thank god, another broken person, let's go party" has me laughing harder than I should be 😂 Thank you for your videos. I'm coming out the other side of CPTSD and anxious/avoidant attachment style and your videos are helping 💜
I recently unintentionally triggered my good friend's PTSD, despite their best efforts to help me understand. I had only good intentions and did not comprehend what I was doing to them at the time. We had been working together and watching your videos to help them heal. Now they say they need space and I worry it is over between us. I hurt so badly for the pain I now realize I caused, and I'm certain that I would not be at risk of triggering them again, but they understandably have troubles trusting my intentions now, maybe forever. I want to do whatever I can to help, do you have any experience with this sort of thing? I feel so naïve and new to this world of trauma, but I'm dedicated to still be a support to them if at all possible. Thank you for your videos, you have been a helpful resource not only for my friend but for me as well.
The first point is an important one to note. I am doing a lot of work, and while my present is improving, I still find it challenging to look at my past and accept the path of "missed opportunities". Its sad to see a "missed" life rather than a lived life, robbed of chances to learn and grow, one where I was "just" surviving. But it is heartening to see that as we start to heal and work on ourselves, we feel safe enough to start taking risks again - hopefully things ahead will not look like "missed opportunities" so much. Also, as I have started healing, now the "thriving" periods have started to emerge. When they invariably disappear (and its still not active struggle or challenge-management time), I look at it as an opportunity, a calm down-time that is ripe ground to work on myself, and stay grounded.
I just finished that book. I've been healing myself for about 30 years. Not much of it left at this point. I rarely ever get triggered anymore. I feel totally normal, better than normal. I choose not to be in a relationship with a significant other. Im enjoying my relationship with myself and have no desire to add anything to it. I still get in that attack mode at times. But i do have very firm boundaries. My discernment is off the charts. I see red flags right away. Like someone who refuses to listen and constantly interrupts. I can't be around people who can't self regulate. I don't self shame at all. It isn't good nor bad, it just is what it is. I eff up all the time. I don't judge it anymore. Idk, i haven't found but just one competent adult i can interact with in that way. I also ended up majoring in psychology but it was just for my own self knowledge and exploration. Yes, it's about reclaiming yourself. One thing healing did for me was the desire to use drugs, it left. I was finally able to just walk away.
Loving your book “This Is Me Letting You Go” crying and comforted. Thank you for all your book recommendations (P.Walker the BEST). Discovering myself. Starting to see difference between reality and coping through fantasy which seems so real is harsh. Recognizing my fawning freezing. Hope I can get through this divorce and figure out who I am and what I want and need and learn boundary setting. I cannot Thank You enough! I see tiny improvements. Never knew discernment, co regulation, authentic self, self abandonment,attachment theory. Love your advice, knowledge sharing. Your videos immensely inspire me. Love your statement “not above struggling” OMG THANK YOU
Heidi, you’re awesome. You’re using your recovery and helping others. As I continue my own work I like to do the same and offer hope, without assuming I’m an expert of course. I wish you all love, hope and healing. We can do this. ❤
Thank you again for a powerful video. To think through these topics while you share is so grounding. Just as you mentioned being able to restore your hope that there are adults "out there" who are stable and caring by reading self-help books, your videos invite that kind of reclamation for me. You speak on topics that many others address here on YT, but your almost surgically precise presentation combined with the humble anecdotes from your own life are a healing combination for me, and many others, I suspect. Thank you.
im kind of confused and im hoping others can relate to me when i say this: does anyone else feel like NOTHING happened to them in their childhoods? Like its strange and doesn't make sense. I only got a little bit of physical abuse when i was a young child but it was few and far between, and I remember some emotional abuse throughout my life other than that, but I'm also wondering how that is enough to literally break my mind? My parents DID care for me, kept a roof over my head and stuff... they just didnt have enough money and were too into religious and political dogma, but they still loved me. For instance, some people function perfectly fine and have been through the same situations I have. I don't even know if I can even call it abuse. I don't know why I truly am this way. But literally everything you're saying lines up with me, as if you're talking about me specifically. i don't even know how to speak to a doctor for fear of them thinking im just another zoomer looking for a diagnosis and attention. I just want help, but I dont even know what this is.....
I feel like most of the videos I've watched from you especially when it comes to attachment styles, or just confirmations that I've come very far in my growth and then I'm at where I need to be. Almost like mile markers that I've already passed in life and just smile that I've succeeded past that point. But this video here. This video feels more like a mile marker that I haven't reached yet in some areas. And while it can be humbling to know that there's still more growth that needs to be done... ( Noticing my weakness when I seek out compulsive acts) However, Since I've come so far and seen the benefits, it's also very exciting because I'm always looking to be the best version of myself. P.s. Just followed you on Twitter. 😁
Wonderfully practical. These items are the stepping stones which we need to a bit of progress on our path. Well done. And with a lol moment when you made the comment ‘I don’t go down without a fight’. I bet. As a 68 yo old guy who used drive and accomplishments as my compensation I think I see that in your persona. Thanks for the hard work I see in these videos.
Glad I saw this! I was wondering if I’m even healing but this video is a good sign that I’m healing well ❤ so appreciative that you make these, stay blessed.
