Are you codependent? 

#selfhealers, do you see codependency patterns within your relationships?

I would add obsessive focus on the other person’s feelings and emotions.

This resonate with me so much. Truth is very paintfull, but it still is a truth.

Very helpful 🙏

Resonated so much with this ! Can I just ask do you have tips on how to heal and break away from being codependent? Xx

I've had some very healthy relationships, but easily fall into the codependent trap when with another whom is.

Hi there, thanks for your interesting and helpful videos 🙏 a question came up for me in this one. When you were talking about finding it difficult to be separate, and feeling anxiety around separation/distance, how is that different to Anxious Attachment? It sounds exactly the same as anxious attachment to me, so how would someone know if they're codependent OR anxiously attached if they had these symptoms? Thanks so much 😊

Please do a part 2 video on healing these patterns

A lot of people (myself included) shy away from this topic in fear of being needy or dependent... but I think it’s so important to understand these signs so that we can form healthier relationships. Thank you for shedding light on this 🙏🏽

I know this was 3 years ago but I am just seeing this video now. I want to respond to Nicole about my codependency. I have just recently realized I am big, BIG!!! time codependent. And have more recently realized how very, very responsible(subconsciously) I feel for the emotions of everyone around me that I am close to. And how the men I have been attracted to are all "broken" , emotionally unavaible little boys in men's bodies - alcoholics, drug addicts. I have spent my whole life working at "fixing" everyone. Always subconsciously trying to smooth over any difficulties ( thus the controlling aspect - make others calm, and me safe) others might have that would cause them emotional dysregulation - especially anger. There was so much anger/more than anger - volcanic rage from my dad. I am always checking everyone's emotional state - contantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am realizing the amount of control I am exerting to try to stop the madness, so to speak, and it is exhausting. So many invisible burdens to carry on such small shoulders. Two very emotionally immature parents - a little boy and a little girl in adult bodies. Very dysfunctional, chaotic environment. Never knew if we were getting volatile, anxious, angry dad or somewhat calm dad (but the every day uncurrent was anger and to this day I am hype-aware of any anger/ aggression in someone else - mu pulse quickens, my blood pressure goes up and my insides gets shaky), or would we get happy, sweet mom, or the crazy, anxious mom who spewed out hateful, off-the-wall comments. I can now see that I can scan a face and within a split second can "read" the mouth, or eyebrow, or chin or brow movements & what emotions they are expressing and immediately adjust my behavior accordingly. I call it pretzeling myself - tying myself in knots. So, I have never, ever really been just "me" - don't even know who "me" is. Sad! How, oh how, does one ever unlearn how to people "read" - a behavior that is so much a part of my subconscious that I dont even recognize I am doing it - until now. I guess the secret may be in not scanning/reading others, but recognizing it for what it is, and being able to graciously absolve myself from trying to "fix" whatever is broken in someone else. Recognizing there is no fixing, no healing, no rescuing, saving, mollifying anyone but myself. Doing anything good for myself is SO foreign a concept, that I am crying just thinking about it. Actually stating that I, as a person, exists - has needs, wants and expectations is uncomfortable, to say the least. The funny thing is, as I become more self aware and transform from a "little girl in a woman's body"( no different than my parents) the less I blame my parents for the mess I became. I can see how they grew up with the same issues that they transferred to us because they didnt recognize their own truth. Their unmet needs & lack of true, deep connection to their parents created the "perfect storm" environment that we grew up in. Breaking that generational cycle is my gift to myself, and the world. If I can change one life, just one, by my willingness to overcome my past - if I, by my ability to become the person God intended me to be, can give hope to another, then it was worth the struggle.

Damn. This hit me so so hard. First of all, THANK YOU. Second, How do we move forward?

I always knew I had some aspects of codepency but I didn't know about the emotional distance you mentioned. It's something I've always felt, I always feel hurt when people don't share what I feel or when I see someone feeling bad, I almost feel like I have to feel bad too. I now realise that this is codepency. Thank you again for teaching so many things and helping me become a better and more authentic version of myself !

Sooo upon watching this I learned that I am codependent...my main issue is separation/fear of abandonment “why isn’t he texting back?!” Over the past few days I’ve been in a constant state of: what did I do wrong? What happened? Did he meet someone else? Is he bored with me?...Ugh I’m too old for this! Thank you for the video. It is a real eye-opener.

Based on the comments, Dr. Nicole you need to do a part 2 for this one ! Thanks for all your videos.

Ive discovered im codependent. I have a lot of abandonment trauma, shame rooted of course in family. Hope you can delve more into self healing in the codependency scope ❤️❤️❤️

So what’s next after awareness ?

Very accurate list, resonates really deeply with me. I'm very obviously a codependent, trying to change my learned patterns. I think maybe the most important thing is to realize that all this is LEARNED AND CONDITIONED. So, we can change, it is possible.

I think emotional separation is both a huge fear for me and something I expect, so I live in wait. When I don't hear from someone, I get stuck in this worry that it's because they don't like me anymore (while also berating myself that the world doesn't revolve around me, so why would it be about me?). I have lots of codependency patterns in my relationships, though, and am not sure if I would know real healthy love and admiration if I saw it.

I feel like women/moms are taught by society to be poster children for the last bullet point, lol - thank you for your wonderful videos - sending ❤️

Saw the notification and responded aloud, YES YES I AM 😂 thank you for this!!

in my first and last two relationships, I was extremely codependent. I really hurt both of them with my neediness and toxic behavior. I tried to fill myself up with their validation and reassurance but it was never enough. I'm trying not to hate myself but am finding it very difficult to forgive myself for how I behaved and believing I'll ever be ready for another relationship. I'm somewhat convinced I should stay away from relationships like I'd planned to do before the real me was brought into the light

I hope this time I’m in love, this is the last time I try ☺️

It's helpful to hear someone else, that has this tendency, talk about it. Feels a lot like most people don't understand. So thank you.

Part 2 please with more information on how not codependent on others! Thank you Nicole.

Thank you. I realized that I am codependent. This is causing me to have difficulty having healthy, lasting relationships. I'm so overwhelmed.

As a recovering codependent, I can confirm what the Holistic Psychologist consistently says:- awareness is the key. I continue to habitually fall into all of these behaviours and more, but now, I (more) quickly see myself acting out, cease, and choose more self-respecting and self caring actions. Use your breath, get self-aware. Go for it. A fuller life awaits 😊

Holly crap. I have just opened up to a relationship for over 20 yrs of being single. Every single point is me. How bloody sad. I feel like such a looser.

That's very tough to realize that I am co-dependant but I am grateful that I realize it.

I’m hoping you will provide advice on how we can overcome these thoughts and behaviour.

Wowwwwwwww I clicked this video because I thought it would help me to understand my roommate’s codependency. Turns out it’s me not her

I am very much codependent.. how do I stop?

Are You Watching Your pH-balance , Alkaline += Environment Free Of [•ILL-DISEASE•] 😇S Isn't it time we stop passing to our children the inherit diseases of acidic addictions ?¿?¿

Still Yes. Thank you for the deep details & the non-judgmental approach, your sharings about your own experience is precious.

This was very helpful. I really liked the way you explained it through your own experience and behaviour. I’m happy to notice that I see this in myself but I don’t fear this like I did before. I feel acceptance toward myself now ❤️ Thank you!

Thank you so much for this video. I have been dealing with major separation anxiety in my previous relationships. My codependency was the main issue that my ex chose to end our relationship a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t healthy and he knew it couldn’t work in the state we were in. I didn’t realize until after the breakup how much anxiety I really have when I am alone. Now, where do we go from here?

Thank you for not having ads. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Okay but how do you change after you’re aware

It made me cry. Thank you so much for explaining each marker with relatable and real examples. I could see myself clearly in your examples. Thank you once again for inviting people like me to create awareness. 🙏🌿✨

Huh, I’ve felt that I think more about others probably more than others think about me... this would explain it.

could you please create videos for these markers of codependency and your tips on resolving each of them in more detail and with more of your thoughts? that would be a cool video or video series! thank you for this video, it was a helpful one!

Definitely my behavior in the past. Now I’m aware and working on fixing those patterns ✊🏻 thanks for the informative content 🙏🏼

How do I deal with codependency?

Could you please make more videos on how to heal codependency, it would be very helpfull! Your content is constantly making me a better person. THANK YOU❤

Very good! Thanks for that!

Doctor Nicole...you are flippin' amazing. You have a soothing, measured, kind tone in your voice that grabs me, and your breakdowns of psychological patterns is top-notch. I feel calm, attentive, and positive when I see one of your videos or listen to your podcast. It doesn't dawn on me that you have experienced these issues yourself and speak from a place of knowing. I have a similar backstory and can relate to you. Please continue doing your life-affirming work. Thank you so much!

How ami just finding your RU-vid!? I follow your ig and preordered the book 💪🏽

Me: ok maybe I’ll *try* to be open to the idea of dating RU-vid suggests: Me: nevermind.

Emotional separation! Finally I understand myself, thank you as always

I am so thankful for your work! Thanks for all the light that you provide with your videos and instagram posts! Much love,

Mam, I have watched several of your videos, YOU NEED TO DO SEMINARS across the USA and then go to TV and put the bald man to shame!! Great content and so applicable especially in our culture of relational wandering. Thank you! 🙂

Six years ago, a psychologist identified my relationship with my mother as codependent. That one visit set me on a path of learning about this and many other things. Now, I consider myself a recovering codependent.

Known this for 20 years, but struggle to make true change despite best efforts❤

Let’s be especially helpful to each other during this time when so many Americans don’t have enough food to eat

My oldest sister HAS OCD and she was a MONSTER to me growing up! She was VIOLENT and she was CRAZY! I do not talk to her now AT ALL! I know now many many years later that my MOTHER was a covert narcissist and controlled EVERYBODY around her WHILE she was NEVER HOME! Anyways, ALL of these fit my behavior pattern AFTER I was abused by the men in my life! MANY men in my life. AND if a LYING alcoholic that was left ALONE in my HOUSE with kids or animals and I was NOT there that sent me into COMPLETE PANIC! NOT just because I was "codependent" BECAUSE THEY WERE LYING DRUNKS! Things as simple as (them NOT) looking for the DOGS that they just let out that RAN OFF and soon got MANGLED by traffic! BY them NOT putting out a flaming CANDLE! By them chewing up VICODIN and drinking VODKA and CHECKING OUT as often as you turned your BACK! OR by a boyfriend that CHEATS and gives you HERPES! It is NOT all just because YOU HAVE FLAWS it is also because you are around DANGEROUS PEOPLE! That is what I KNOW so many of these videos LEAVE OUT! AND the partner will NOT LEAVE! You are STUCK and severely ABUSED! ALL of these behaviors are ALL you are left with! AND YOU DO NOT WANT THAT!

READ ME SIS! I WAS GUILTY OF IT. it takes alot of work to challenge but it's more than possible and achievable. Acting hella clingy and toxic, towards my masculines 💙🦁🐺💓 and abandoning myself with the toxic karmic people pleasing and self betrayal behaviors but feeling rejected too. It was time to change that shit. IMMEDJIATLEYYY. Quarantine woke me up, to my inner baby. My poor little girl, I can only imagine how neglected and unseen she felt neglected by me. By mom and dad admitted to abandoning me, and apologized to me for it duri a phone fast. And highlighting, I learned it from them. But that wasn't my fault, that was theirs. And so I finished, my puzzle. Now moms is a savage, and dad enjoys being a present girl dad to me and my little sister. I know why are parents are so helicopter and guarded over us. Yup when you challenge your codependency cycles, you stop chasing shit. It was time to stop chasing fear, and just being HERE.

I think I become Codependent when I went into Nursing...not sure how to recover. I am 65 and suffer from Asthma and copd feel like I crossed over as a patient.

Thank you so much, I am conscious that I have been in codependent relationships. What are the next steps I can take to break this cycle?

What happens if both people in the relationship of codependent?

Would love a comparison of typical female coping/ social functioning (read in book Warriors and Worriers) versus how that goes too far. Like babies require a mother to give of herself, at her own cost, but when that caretaking doesn’t stop…

Thank you 🙏🏻u remind that I can be the greatest me 😘

I had my in-laws living with us for 4-5yrs because I was too passive to ask them to move out. I constantly let my boundaries be violated. I also really struggled with raising our two sons because I didn't voice to my husband when he needed to step up and instead said I was okay with him playing football 4xs a week because I was scared if I said no he would abandon me. He had no idea o was struggling.

This in incredibly helpful thank you Nicole you are amazing. Looking forward to reading your book 😊xx

How can I make sure my mom feels loved even while I’m setting new and uncomfortable boundaries? I think she thinks I’m punishing her or being unreasonable/angry.

😂Yay! According to this description, I am not codependent, probably just a people pleaser.

6:57 I WAS gonna ask well how about people that actually do not answer those text or calls for days or weeks? But of course I unconsciously searched out emotionally unavailable people so I kinda answered my own question lol.

You have an Amazing gift I show gratitude to your wisdom 🙏🤍

And you know now that I think about it part of the abuse i experienced was told I was selfish and think about only myself and I became hyper focused in order to avoid being told that

My mother conditioned me to meet her emotional needs and i struggle as a 30 year old to have a single intimate relationship besides my fiance for which i am endlessly grateful for...

OMG - According to your list - im NOT codependant :D

It is surprising how the humanity managed to survive as species since mating/partnering is that complicated

I felt really uncomfortable and attacked even though your not attacking to me at all it was just one of your many episodes you have put out desides your not just talking to me I just took it personally and started to cry a whole lot I wanted to shar what I was thinking when you were talking i did not want to hear parts of the episode a lot more then some other parts even though I had these thought I still listened to the whole episode because I am so so ready to make a new version of little Jacinta I am just really scared ok extremely Frightened terrified beyond belief to live a whole different way of life I just fill really alone in this world and trapped with noone really to turn to when i need a trusted person or emotional support or comfort because or to give me a hug I don't always want one just from myself I want a hug from my sister I have a hard time trusting for many reasons. You and your partners help me when I watch your videos 📹 thank you for helping me.

Can all this depend on the current partner? I experienced this codependency with some partners, with others ( I felt not so attracted) not.

Thank you for this message love 💕

Thank you so much. The weird thing for me is that I was aware of my codependency in my last relationship, yet I was not able to stop it. He stopped it for me by breaking up with me. I swear, I just couldn't stop it.

Thank you for this❤️ thank you also for sharing your story❤️ I’m so excited for your book!

Can codependents also over focus on things rather than people, for example work?

A part 2 with how to fix these patterns would be amazing. I think a lot of us need this

didn’t realize i had major co-dependency issues until earlier this year. i always thought it was being reliant on others for financial / material security. it’s a lot deeper (and therefore more emotionally damaging) than that. thank you for this video + for helping us to heal ourselves. 💙

Point 4 is so me.. N now we always fight coz of that 😢I dnt wanna be like that...

I was very codependent on my last partner which really affected our relationship. It’s something I need to work on. Thank you for the great video.

Loved your book 📚 & gave copies to my friends! 🙏

Thank you for this added clarity.

The one person that thumbed down is a co dependant 😊

Thank you for not having ads. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Thank you so much for your work and sharing this with us.

Oh my you are describing my experience of how my mum is

This all strongly resonates. Thank you for your content

Is codependency the same as anxious attachment style?

If I am codependent how do I change all of this.

Oooh there was some nice nuance in this video. I don't resonate so much with being triggered by physical space, but I am definitely triggered by me perceiving emotional space, as in someone not being in the same mood as I am. I make this mean things about me when it has nothing to do with me and I get anxious and I want to try to fix them or control them and it's not healthy. As someone who has tended to avoid close relationships all-together and therefore seemingly comfortable being alone, folk psychology'a understanding of codependency never seemed to fit, but I have since learned that I am definitely co-dependent. And because I hate the feelings of helplessness that go along with it, this is why I've tried to avoid emotional closeness/intiamcy/vulnerability with others. Good video!

I have a disorganised attachment style and I see that whether I'm more anxious or more avoidant, depends on whether my partner or friend is anxious or avoidant (either at that moment or generally). I chronically neglect myself and put people I love first, and then I feel resentment because they don't prioritize me like I'd want them to. And that kills my love for them slowly. Needless to say I grew up with a ton of abuse in my family. I can see myself saying the same things to others that my mother said to me. Those things made me feel like she depended on me. That if I wasn't hungry and didn't eat at the same time as her, she wouldn't eat either, instead she would drink until she cried and passed out. So, the message was that if I didn't do what she wanted - which was a different thing every time - her wellbeing and stability were threatened. Even now that I see those patterns in myself, it is extremely difficult to stop once I've started. It's unconscious. I find that the best thing I can do for that is "prognosis". Most selfcare tips either seem superficial to me, or they seem like aftercare. Like you do them AFTER you've been triggered, to calm down. AFTER you've been clingy, to "snap out of it" and get yourself back. AFTER you've emotionally exhausted the other person, to finally "see clearly". Or DURING the reaction, like you could magically turn the reaction off. Well, that doesn't work. There needs to be a foundation. So that prognosis includes building a secure sense of self and building my health up and not neglecting my needs, pretty much as the very first thing in the morning and the very last thing in the night. And maybe numerous times through the day, too. That, to me, doesn't necessarily look the same every single day. And, yes, it comes with the cost of sometimes feeling "disconnected" from the rest of the world. It's okay.

I have all of this!! What can I do ?

I’m so tired to be this way😭

Hi Dr. Nicole :) the phone number in the caption is incorrect. Just FYI. but I noticed in your video is corrected. thank you so much for your amazing content.

Up until recently I mistakenly thought that 2 people would have to be involved to have a ‘codependent’ relationship: 2 willing participants who enable each other? But am I right in saying that one person can show ‘codependent’ patterns without there necessarily being a second who is also ‘codependent’? I think the name misleads me, as with the prefix ‘co’ I always think of ‘together’ as though there is more than 1 person involved.

You talk about your family sharing that stressed emotion, how would the parent not let that stress pour onto their spouse/children? Verbalize it “I’m feeling stressed/frustrated/overwhelmed”?Apologize if you did lash out at them? Sometimes when you’ve got small children around you, it’s not possible to remove yourself the situation.

Thank you

Three months ago, I lost my father. He was my favorite parent. Though, I had a love-hate relationship with him, his presence in my life was a major part of my life. His loss made me go down a spiral where I lose my balance and start to slack in my work area. I am also the primary caretaker of a thirteen-month-old toddler, and a lot of my energy goes into playing that role. For the past one and half months, my younger sister, and her spouse are having major flights in their marriage. At first, I had been counseling my sister and being as supportive as I could since she has been there with me during the darkest phase of my life. But lately, I have been realizing that helping her is bringing back too many painful memories of my childhood of how my mother forced me to take care of my baby sister who is merely a year younger than I am. I have also been realizing that I have yet not processed the sadness of losing my father. I need time to heal and provide some self-love and self-guidance to my inner child. When I request her to grant me my space, she intrudes on my boundaries. Plus, my mother who is with me now enables her behavior and encourages me to prioritize her emotional needs over mine, just the way she did when I was a child. This video helped me a lot in understanding why I feel the way I do. Thanks for this video.

That’s me 😀😀 codependency is the ritual and nature in my family. Thank you for the video

Do you have anymore content on point #4 (separation anxiety & abandonment fears)? That was really interesting! And I would love to learn more. Thanks for all the great content & information you share! ❤️❤️❤️