Julia Kristina Counselling I dealt with someone who belittled me and silent treatments and gas lighting and projection and trigulation vile name calling I had to go no contact about 12 months and change everything so many times and block and block .everything matches what she did was either NPD or bpd .I got that sarcastic jokes and called loser who would want me besides her
Julia Kristina Counselling : Well , my mum passed on May 20 , 2018 and I have been culled from the family . I'm going to mediation in July 9 and at the end of the day am ready to sue my 2 sisters for being so horrible to me . This is my answer to their greediness & meanness . I've worked for 2 years to improve our relationship and thanks Gott , they show their colors but leave me with NOTHING . I plan to prosecute them to the end of the law for removing me unilaterally from the family .
Julia Kristina Counselling :My 2 elder sisters have intentionally profoundly harmed me both when mother was dying and after her death . Passive aggressive and flat GREEDY BI---ES. How to deal with THIS rubbish ?
My mother is like this. I remember saying something a couple of years ago and she sat there and said to me 'you're a bit up yourself aren't you'. I was stood there thinking where the hell did that come from and I then said to her why am I a bit up myself and she said 'god I was joking'. I then said to her ' no you wasn't'. It wasn't me being overly sensitive either because shes done this kind of thing to me no end of times from being a teenager right through my adult life. Shes tried the guilt trip thing so many times and she has a huge tendency to try and project her own issues onto me. She doesn't understand boundaries and she forever applies the bullying tactics. She does it in such a way and she sure knows how to make you feel shit about yourself. As ive got older, I give her it back because I have tried several different techniques to try and prevent an argument to no avail so I therefore no longer hold back. To be honest, I think shes always been a miserable kind of person so expects everyone around her to feel how she does. Shes never had any real ambition in life or any great interests not even when she was younger. You never know what shes thinking and she shows no great emotion either. She appears cold and distant. I was sat back thinking about different things a few years ago and it suddenly dawned on me that the only time that I can ever remember her being ok with me was when I was doing everything that she wanted me to do and when I was handing over most of my salary. Needless to say, the moment I stopped dancing to her tune and she realised that she could no longer sit on my shoulders emotionally and financially and that I refused to be bullied by her she couldn't handle it. She wanted me to have the same kind of relationship with her as what her and her mother had which was far from being unhealthy. My mothers life revolved around her mother and by god was my grandmother a control freak, a bully and very manipulative. This is where my mother has inherited her personality traits from i feel sure. Its basically learned behaviour. There were never any boundaries between them either. Since ive got older and ive actually stood up to my mother she doesn't like it because she was so used to having her own way and loved to be able to controll me. They do it in such a way that its difficult to explain to people that have had a good relationship with their mother but anyone on here that is reading this will fully understand where im coming from with what ive just said. Every now and them my mother will pass a snidey remark and I either jump on regarding what she has said to stop her in her tracks or I walk away and ignore what she has said. It depends on what she has said etc. Also, deep down not only is she a miserable kind of person in nature but she is also very selfish and its always been about her and her needs and wants. Nobody elses opinions or emotions come into the equation as far as she is concerned. For years, while I was growing up I used to feel as though I couldn't breath and she had such a knack of getting everyone on her side and constantly portrayed an image that it was everyone else in the wrong. Nothing was ever her fault. Through her own stupidity, she as completely wrecked our mother-daughter relationship and as harsh as this may sound, I see her as an enemy at times which is actually quite sad because your mother is supposed to be the person that you look up to and mothers are supposed to be your best friend. Sadly, that just isn't the case for me. Its only been these last 4-5 years that I have managed to look at things the way I do and somehow I have managed to erase and forgive her with regards to her actions and the way she has been with me practically my whole life. My mother has continuous flare ups and shes quite aggressive with it too and you can be sat there chatting about something then with that shes bawling and shouting like some kind of lunatic. Its so bad at times that you sit there with your mouth open struggling to make sense as to why shes just flared up for no particular reason. Most of her siblings are also neurotic and that has definitely been inherited from her parents. When me and my sister were growing up, there was never any real guidance as such and by the time we reached the age of 14 to 15 we were practically left to our own devices because she was always sat at her mothers. Why she chose to get married and have children is beyond me because shes got no real maternal instincts because as I say shes as cold as ice. She cant even be pleased for me or my sister if we have achieved something that's been good. I find it weird and abnormal to be honest but someone did once say to me they thought she was maybe a bit jealous of me and my sister. I had never really thought about it like that but maybe they were right by what they said about the jealousy factor, who knows? It never gets any easier when you're dealing with anyone like this but I do think that as ive got older that ive learned to accept her for what she is and the fact that she wont ever change. Deep down, I dont think shes ever forgiven me for actually standing up to her several years ago either. It is a case of how dare you say x, y and z to me type of thing. I mean, no one must ever go against what they say or criticise them but its ok for them to repeatedly upset you. Again, that's part of her feeling that shes lost control if that makes sense. Reflecting back, I should have stood up to her many years ago when I was around the age of 17 instead of leaving it until I was around the age of 42.The thing is, I was literally terrified of her and that's what they rely on - us keeping stum but my attitude is why should we. If it is a close friend treating us like this we would automatically cut them off and out of our lives but because its our mother that treats us like this, it makes it really hard to actually stand up for ourselves. Some would say that its completely disrespectful by all that I have said but if they had been subjected to this kind of behaviour most of their lives, I feel sure that they would think/fee/say pretty much the same as what I do etc.
I know right. It's really annoying when people do these things and if you try to talk to people about it they get even more mad. Its like people are being childish. The behave like soil brats. What are they 5 yrs old? That they act Whinny babies. Come on Is it about time they grow up. Stop this type of behavior.
It's annoying. They're weak in communication, mean spirited, somevare envious, but not brave enough to be direct. Immature and difficult people. 😒🤦🏽♀️
Me too, one of my best friends hates her bluntness but I think it’s what makes her so strong and amazing and real. More people need to be like this. I’d rather someone yell at me then be sneaky.
Even if you try to be straight forward some of them still get angery about it keep doing that. Some are to stubborn to listen. If it work to get through to them good thing then.
I tried this and she blew up on me. My flatmates and I had a meeting and I confronted her. She lied right to my face in front of everyone. Luckily they knew what she was doing since I've only been honest. Not going to lie, it felt good.
These people who use these behaviors are in my opinion....unhappy, insecure, jealous and finally need that ego boost to feel better, it's really just sad. Usually I don't respond, walk away or down right pretend I didn't hear them. Silence is golden sometimes, I also pray for them. :-)
I recently started working with someone who is like this and her mannerisms kept me wondering and now I put my finger on it with the help of this video. I’m happy I was already acting oblivious and ignoring her passive aggressiveness.
Another reason why it’s so hard to deal with passive aggressive people is that they can be counter punchers. When you point out their behavior that bothers you they will simply point out something about you they don’t like either. So nothing really gets solved because they will not allow you to isolate the main issue. The best way to win is not to play and avoid these toxic people.
ilovehouse888 So true. You try to help them out by offering constructive criticism/advice, but they get in their feelings and try to “fight back” with an ad hominem attack, making personal attacks against you, and you get nowhere with them. They have obviously not yet matured emotionally, and yes, it’s best to not play along.
jennytravels i completely understand. It sucks to not be heard and have your feelings validated. Unfortunately it’s hard if not impossible to ever get through to people like this.
Yassmine bouharouf In a word, boundaries. You have to have boundaries and enforce them. You also have to not be afraid to walk away if your boundaries aren’t respected. Many of these people don’t change unless they actually want to and see the error of their ways or if the pain of staying the same is greater than the perceived pain of changing.
Passive aggressive behavior can get physical too. For instance, when a person walks by you and there's plenty of room to walk by you and they "accidentally" brush against you.
The aggression in that case is most certainly passive/emotional aggression, not physical aggression, because the 'brushing against' someone will cause no physical pain....or any intentional 'physical hurt' ...The pain of it ...is in the show of lack of respect, lack of care, a demonstration of indifference ...causing emotional pain, not physical pain.
My ex did this twice to the extent that I actually bounced off of the bookcase up against the wall one time, and another time he bumped me into a doorway. But those didn't count LOL. Said he. Butthurt little pansy ass bitch that he was. I loathe passive aggressive behavior.
This is enlightening. I thought I am with a relationship with someone who is passive- aggressive, only to realized I am the passive- aggressor- pointing out all the classic characteristic of it; avoiding conflicts, silent treatment, even gaslighting. Thanks for this video- I’m glad to know I need to work on myself....👍
I always deal with passive aggressive by being aggressive and ask them immediately to explain what they meant by what they just said, most of the time they become afraid and say they don’t mean anything or they deny that their words have bad intentions so I respond if your words are meaningless then don’t say them! I hate to be mean but I think this is the only way to shut them and make them never doing it again with me
M K well said! This video also describes pathological narcissists. They will drain you dry..if you let them. Run from these types! Don’t fall for the fake charm.
Oh I like that. Thank you. I love it. It's abrupt, so you're not waiting until you're upset... Because if you do this while you're upset, they can and will make it look like you're the crazy one! So screw trying to be The Peacemaker, hit them hard and fast before they get in your head. If you don't mean it don't say it. I love that.
She failed to mention what to do what all of that fails! Because these people love to know that something they did upset you or made you feel bad, that’s why they do it!!! It makes them feel better about themselves. But the thing is they are emotionally weak so if you bang your fist on the table and say ‘enough!’ They’ll back down, at least for a while.
The #1 thing to remember is... Don't take it personally! 😂 The enemy, the passive-aggressor, is a BROKEN individual who was hurt in the past in some way. 😱 Meanwhile, you create an AURA of Protection around yourself, your mind, your heart... like a strong SHELL. 😆 Never EVER let the enemy break your shell! Stay STRONG, everyone. 😭 Btw, don't say "I was hurt by what you said..." this only gives the enemy a license to pull you down further to his/her hell-ish level. ✅ You must OUT-SMART them.
@Cm RA I can't thank you enough for this comment, I was so confused and hurt because I've done all this and nothing works beyond a certain point other than walking out of the relationship entirely (that is if you even can because certain circumstances may prevent you otherwise at least right away)...
NO!!!! The reason we have to deal with so much passive aggressive behaviour is because its TOLERATED. Its easier to tell the victims they got it wrong, or they're too sensitive- than punish the passive aggressive behaviour which is actually then being rewarded.
It‘s not reacting enotionally, be very unaffected, blant and boring. Don‘t give then any enotional reaction other than indifference, be neutral. There is also „white noise„ to control the info they get to dig at you with.
Most of these ppl will not change so be very very careful with being vulnerable with them. Certainly don't expect, or maybe even hope, that they will pick up / learn from you, that makes you even more vulnerable to their needs.
i have learned that with some of the milder ones, being direct will push them away a bit. ea woman in the same organization with me began meeting me at the door as i arrived, announcing that she had saved me a seat, wanting to hang up my coat, carry my things to the table. ridiculous ! i told her firmly that i did not want my coat hung up, still needed my notebook, etc. when she said to me, "i don't like p------, i snapped back--"she's one of my best friends !" in a group, having lunch, she has to sit next to me. she brings her own drink, does not tip, is rude to other women in the group. i told her firmly :" you can't bring your own pop, you have to tip, and, if you're going to be in this group, you have to get along with everyone. other people are complaining to me about your behavior, because you are always next to me." this woman has some sort of agenda, and i'm not going along w it.
I've learned my lesson. I was vulnerable with passive aggressive people it just turned out to hurt me I've pulled away from them they no longer get to have a friend ship with me. You have to remove toxic people stand your ground.
@Rosie, you need to learn some love. It's quite alright to just stay away from folks but not necessary to tell people off. Maybe she has an agenda but, maybe not. Being around a Narcissist will mess people up big time so you need to watch the video again. She clearly looks to you as a friend so be empathetic please as those of us who have been tortured literally, abused, lied to, stolen from and has nobody on earth, not one friend because of isolation know all too well that even if I don't have those traits we all are messed up from suffering someone else's mental health problems. I'm trapped completely I my body, I suffer more ailments than you can imagine. Don't want sympathy however, I say it on a need to know basis. You've no right to say something is wrong w/ someone when they'd been through the same as you. In my case I've had to deal w/ a child abuser, rapist, psychopath several times over, Sociopath and someone w/ Munchausen by proxy because of my ill health. I internalize because I rather not be mean to anyone. It can be done.
Can we stop pathologizing treatable behaviours. Just because something like that occurred in your relationship, doesn’t mean it applies. Most people don’t see improvements until they’ve moved on and broken up with that person. Don’t act like they’re a lost cause.
@@leilanikuuipo6004 you do realize internalizing things greatly effects your health? Turn all that love you give others into love for yourself. You deserve for ppl to treat you with the same respect you give out.
What they want is you to get angry. So get angry. That’s what I’ve learnt. The sooner you get angry at them and tell them off the sooner it stops and doesn’t escalate. Just don’t feel bad about it at all. If it becomes too annoying cut them.
I agree make it loud, so you don't appear to be acting shady from not being able to respond in the eyes of everyone else that don't know what is going on
Passive-aggressive behavior is a sign of a manipulator, and such people are absolutely toxic and should be avoided, if possible. If it's family or "friends", just cut them off, and when they want to know why you won't come around or talk to them, just say, "Because you're an asshole.", and leave them to think about it. Don't respond to anything they say, because giving them your attention is the worst thing you can do. If you open up and tell them how much they hurt you, also you're doing is affirming to them that their tactics are working, and they'll just double down. I cut off my entire family, and wouldn't even talk to them until they promised to act right, but I learned that toxic people don't ever really change, and I realized that I had to cut them all of completely for the sake of my sanity, because even those who weren't toxic would take the side of those who were, because "nothing is more important than family"; (which is a term that manipulators love to use). I say nothing is more important than my health, and just as I wouldn't eat dinner with someone I knew was trying to poison me, I won't let someone into my life if all they want is to bring me down.
Toxic people , narcs, personality disordered people are not going to learn from your open and honest behavior. They dont care. They aren't capable. I love your videos, this one just didn't seem like good info for anyone that might be stuck in a mess that will never change.
Are you Arabic? My bf is and this is the only way he knows how to communicate. Also, I've had the unfortunate experience of dealing with his ex wife, who does this as well.
@@correaplayz01nunya93 good luck with middle easter people and their fucked up mentality of dealing with problems... Seriously though consider a break from this person, culture is so ingrained on them that the probability to understand and change for better is zeroo
Ugh, I just hate passive-aggressive people. I've been living with the one for four years now and at this point, I can't stand her. Even her presence is irritating. She uses all the techniques you mentioned. She used to insult my style, my appearance, and my social skills. And she always laughs and turns it into a "joke". I honestly developed so many insecurities about myself that I didn't have before. She also ignores me often times when I ask her to clean the room or wash dishes. Or she comes up with tons of excuses for not doing the chores that I just don't know what to answer anymore. My life with passive-aggressive roommate became such a hell that I decided to move out next semester. I'm done. These people never change. Next time I meet someone passive-aggressive, I'm gonna be just "no, not this shit again".
Passive aggressive perpetrator: "Congratulations on the new job. How did you manage that?" Me: "I worked my ass off. You should try it some time." (Then smile and walk away.) If they say they were just joking or didn't mean to insult you, smile and reply in kind, "Oh, I was just joking, too." They'll think twice before insulting you again.
@Tree Tree Initially, that was the point - to fight fire with fire. But @Lavan Volkov makes a brilliant suggestion. "I wasn't joking" is more effective, and not passive.
My Dad: says something. Me: You are right about that. Dad: NO! Me: Am I wrong for agreeing with you? Dad: No! Me: So, how was I wrong Dad? Dad: NO! Me: Good talk Dad. Nice to know I am wrong about being wrong about being wrong because...
It's very helpful to hear that this type of behavior can stem from especially childhood neglect or trauma. That allows me to not only accept the passive or otherwise aggressive behavior of others, but to acknowledge my own "sh*t." And thank you for sharing the underlining causes and making it clear that this behavior is not OK because it tears down authentic connection.
My 13 year old is currently dealing with a kid in her class that has started showing blatant covert narcissistic behavior. It threw her for a loop because this is someone she thought was her friend, but quickly started with the passive aggressive behavior, gas lighting, etc. I am proud of her because she is handling it way better than I would have when I was her age.
I recognize that passive aggressive behavior usually comes from a place of the person feeling threatened. It’s difficult to deal with people who are so unaware of their own feelings that every interaction they have with everyone in their lives is motivated by jealousy and cowardice. But just knowing that someone is having such low self esteem that they refuse to address people directly doesn’t fix it. I can feel empathy towards someone and yet still know that they’re toxic. The best way to deal with passive aggressive people: Don’t.
I really like the way you discussed this issue. I've dealt with so many passive-aggressive people in the past and on a practical note, I am selectively upfront and assertive only with people that I care about. Being assertive with people who are passive-aggressive in nature or who are doing it intentionally is seriously emotionally and mentally exhausting. A lot of them just don't really care about your feelings that's why they're passive aggressive to begin with.. and it just isn't worth the attention and time. Best thing to do is to know that their behavior is not about you and move on.
I've been through this situation before my ex always did this to me online. I'm thinking to myself what is this guys problem.why is guy so mean and rude. I did notice that guy was a poser.
My mother is a gaslighter. For years, I wanted her to be “a real mom” and I had to learn, that she will never be the loving mom I need. She’s not capable.
So many people don't know how to handle their negative emotions. I guess this is why people use the term "snarky". I think it comes from a basic sense of low self-esteem and insecurity. Not everyone wants to change their behavior though. They would rather give up the relationship than change in which case we have to let go and move on.
I had a friend who was a Lt. Colonel in the Army. He told me that the military had to learn to address these behaviors directly and that the best way to do it is to focus on outcomes. As a business manager, I deal with this daily from both subordinates and from higher-ups. I've learned to "sleep on it" when I get angry and that helps a lot, and then I work on focusing on outcomes. I do what's right for the business and give people what they need to do their jobs, and I clearly spell out expectations, no matter how nasty and passive aggressive they are. It's not as easy to deal with in friendships and family. I tend to end relationships with toxic people and I've lost a lot of friends and seen a lot of marriages and other relationships destroyed by this. It's tragic, but it's just another part of the human experience that we can't control directly - we can only control how we respond.
The lack of accountability, honestly, is just a symptom of from when they were very young of choosing to constantly feel sorry themselves and play the victim. It is always a continuous choice.
Jose Carlos she says several times that passive aggressive people don't realize they are being passive aggressive. I think they do realize it. I think that it is about manipulation and control of others in a way that can border gaslighting because they insulate themselves from taking responsibility. It is the whole point of being "passive" in their aggression. If you can claim that you didn't know you were doing this to someone else is another cop out and way to avoid being openly responsible for what you say and do. Passive aggressive people show a level of immaturity and social ineptitude that is selfish and abusive to others. They are borderline narcissistic in my opinion.
Every time I've ever asked questions to a passive aggressive person about what's wrong it's always made it a jillion times worse because they take it as they roped you into their game and as soon as they feel that achievement it's like there's no end
Same. My father has dementia and I moved him in to my house. Big mistake. Not the dementia. Me not realizing he was passive aggressive b4 I moved him in. He does exactly what u said
Why bother dealing with that, they are responsible for working on them. If a person isn't respectful and are passive aggressive it's a choice to deal with them and have them in your space. Great video!
Everything you were saying is on point. All of it is toxic and can affect the receiver in so many negative ways. Direct, communication and healthy boundaries is so important in all relationships.
Oh plenty of times they know EXACTLY what they are doing, and they ENJOY IT, and they DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE. Whatever the source, the result that we are dealing with can be lethally toxic, as in "you need to get OUT and away if you want to survive and live".
I'm standing my group. I realize they are not my friends. Even if I have to tell them straight out that I don't want a close relationship with them. They drive you crazy . Then u confront them ask if they have problem and they deny no no . They they go to there other friends and talk behind your back about me confronting them.
I had to let go of someone who I thought was a friend. But they turned out to be passive aggressive, negative and very selfish. It took me 3 years to actually put things together.
The best way to handle gaslighting and passive aggression is to make a quick exit...Why? Because these personalities have toxic behaviours that they "Willingly" know are hurtful and damaging to your wellbeing. Quite frankly these damaged people don't care how hurtful they are and actually enjoy tormenting your mind. So ... protect your sanity and get yourself OUT of that crazy making relationship A.S.A.P .👍
@@vanessahenderson1850 Why ? Mothers shouldn't make their children miserable Vanessa. Being a mom doesn't excuse the hurt and disappointment that they inflict. Set your own boundaries and get strong no matter who it is .🌷
Donna McClymont you’re right, but a bit too idealistic. if someone lives or works with a person like this, you need strategies to deal. just “walking away” isn’t always an (immediate) option. please respect that.
Julia Kristina Counselling: this presentation makes it appear as if passive aggressive people are innocent darlings who avoid confrontation. This is hardly ever the case. These people are usually evil and malicious with their actions. They seem to enjoy throwing you off balance with their underhanded passive aggressive retaliation. You see the gleam in their eyes as they watch you being shocked, upset or totally unhinged by their manipulations. Passive aggressive retaliation requires a degree of planning. That's what they do- plan and scheme to upset, insult and even hurt or cause physical harm. They are not innocent!! And to say that they want to avoid confrontation is a fallacy. It's equal to saying that covert narcs are sneaky and underhanded because they want to avoid conflict. No no no, both these type of people want to create conflict , inflict pain, and shun responsibility, hence their gaslighting passive aggressive behaviour. More often than not passive aggressive actions often lead to conflict. Because the other person will question their motive or get mad, which leads to confrontation. And the passive aggressive person would just gaslight their way out of it. I am convinced that they want conflict because I have found that if you fail to respond to a passive aggressive act, they will follow up with another then another till you respond. They want a response. They want conflict. They want you to get mad or question their motive so they can deny it or deflec/projectt it back to you.... Then watch with satisfaction, your confusion or you becoming unhinged. Often times people who behave this way are also covert narcs. Please please don't give the impression that these are nice sweet people who don't want or avoid conflict and are peacemakers. They are dishonest with their intent and enjoy plotting their revenge over some little infraction that you may have said or done unknowingly.
I think y'all are missing the point AND ALSO listing details of a covert narc. A covert narc will use passive aggression as a tactic but also many other tactics. Run of the mill passive aggression is passive aggression, and like the gossiping part of this presentation, they are trying to unload some frustrations they are feeling. Covert narcissism =/= passive aggressive. Passive-aggression is just one tool used by some narcissists. And as for you, "love and light" I'm sorry you were deeply hurt by whomever it was and I hope you get to heal and grow. If you're still upset that someone sucked you into their drama, please forgive yourself and realize you are brave for trying to move forward. Peace all!
Yes you are correct but I think what she is explaining is that the basic source of this personality disorder comes from insecurities lack of confidence and lack of communication skills. And yes there are many evil people who are so far deep into themselves or criminals or just plain mean-spirited people who don't want to improve who use this technique as a weapon to hurt others. I find personally when I'm dealing with someone like that by ignoring them and not allowing their negative emotions to come into my area. This way they cannot control me. If you give them time they work through it themself their emotions kind of fizzle out. Then it's over. Now again I'm not dealing with a lover or a husband I'm talking about people who I work with or even a roommate. There are ways to ignore this. It Fizzles out on its own. Now if it escalates into a physical violence or verbal assault. But I do agree with you when people are on the far spectrum of this personality disorder they collect narcissistic traits and other arrogance that can increase this. Causes a lot of harm
Thank you for this. You are helping a lot of people. There is a lot of passive aggressive people in my family and it would drive me mad, I'd get upset and had no way to talk to the person as they didn't want to have a discussion. There was no communication, just aggressive remarks left in front of other people which left me pondering. As years went on I realised those people were not emotionally mature. They lacked communication skills. There words said more about them than me, the were simply projecting their insecurity and jealousy in the hopes that the negativity they felt would be passed onto me. I was able to block the energybeing passed on and learnt to not soak it in. Its the best thing you will ever do for yourself. Also I realised if something they said was hurting me, it meant there was a part of me I needed to strengthen. A part of me had not healed. Each time I did heal myself, and processed my thoughts, I became A lot more thick skinned and stronger. There is a,ways a positive in every situation, even if you don't realise it.
I like your videos. Just an info about this one. Passive agressive people are called "passive" because they don't do anything visible to the victim. They are not sarcastic, they are covert, they hope you will hurt you by yourself, by accident or by something they prepare in advance, they will operate behind your back, and destroy you but when they are in front of you they are sweet like honey, always smiling and beheving like perfect gentilmen (or woman). A big hug. Tou are beutyful and inspiring
OMG, this is the very most frustrating behavior for me to deal with! I have zero patience or tolerance of it if it is to a certain extent. It just makes everything so difficult and complicated. It's really unhealthy. If it's a passive aggressive who is jealous with unrealistic expectations like a sense of entitlement. I will not deal with them at all. Yet, if it is someone who does mean well but lacks the communication skills I will extend myself to try and help them (develop the skills)with what I am able to and have some patience. Thanks for a video that I believe many were looking for this advice.
Forgive those who hurt you but you are never obligated to hang out with them. If you have had emotional neglect from parents, for example, you can forgive them but you don't have to be at their side everyday when they're old.
Trust is the one emotion that is out of our control, you can't force trust, its entirely up to the other person whom who prompts us to give it to or take it from.
Parents are your parents where I come from even if your parents are dead wrong for what they're doing is respect them always. Especially if they took care of of you.
Thank you Julia K. for explaining this. My father was this passive aggressive person. My mother, and two brothers never knew what was going on with him, but it did hurt us. He avoided going to our school activities, and some were awards. We thought he was selfish, everything had to be his way, never for us kids. He would yell all the time with his meltdowns. Mom and him had many fights as we were children. I remember the yelling. We couldn’t be kids growing up, because he didn’t like things that we did. I remember as a child, I would tell him that I hated him. He was negative He showed no love, got off work, and sat in his chair watching tv, then to bed without communicating or showing affection to us.we only knew his silent treatment. RIP Dad, I wished I knew what I know now to help you.
Start your healing by forgiveness and understanding that he was doing what he believed to be right and having faith his intentions were good and for everyone's best interest.
These people do not love you and prefer to dismiss you. Empathy is not available with such self centered individuals. This is a rejection of the respect you deserve, and a covert strategy to push you away. Love expires.
Pat G Pat D You are SPOT ON!!! I know someone who acts like this and i called her out on it; she manipulated the conversation to make me feel bad for calling her out and pointed the finger back at me without dealing with the Issue. So Rude and un empathetic!
Just applied these key phrases during a call with a consistently difficult freelancing client and the results were very positive for both of us. I was able to assert myself in a way that didn't trigger his fight/flight and we were able to strengthen our working relationship. This will be in my tool kit for the rest of my life - thanks so much for your work!
I just left the South and moved myself back up north. The South is very passive aggressive and it was too much to deal with it every day. I'm from NJ we just get to the problem and address conflicts pretty quickly. Down South it was the complete opposite. Too much lying to my face and very delayed reaction to things. In the work place that's pretty toxic.
You are not the first person who has made that remark about the South. I had a friend from Pa. who said the same thing. Especially so, and almost entirely, in a work environment is where you will find this. Southern parents tell their children, from an early age to walk away from all confrontation and being direct is very difficult for them. They will walk away or disengage rather than iron it out. Unfortunately that slops over in work environments and, perhaps, social relationships which results in a situation that mirrors passive aggressive. Different ballgame in the Northern states. That's really too bad that you had that experience. The majority of Southerners' are very hospitable and helpful.
Really? Where in the south were you? If you say Broward county in Florida that ain't the south, that's where all the transplants (Locust) from the tri-state area go to. If I've learned anything about the people of nj is that they are backstabbing, loudmouth,weak phonies, folks in the south especially the rural south are strong, direct and resourceful.
Another thing she didnt mention is that passive aggressive people usually grew up with extremely aggressive, angry, psychotic, loudmouthed, selfabsorbed people. Those aggressive people sometimes even physically attack you for speaking up at all.
I just ended a long friendship today with a passive aggressive friend. The only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I made allowances for too long. It's not until I have a fuller life and kinder friends I realised how toxic this person was. Still sad and stringing, but the healing process begins here...
I so disagree with you. I have had interaction with many passive aggressive people over the years. I find that whilst the behavior may have been learnt in childhood by the time they reach adulthood they have learnt to use it as a weapon. These types of people just make me want to slap them upside the head. They are toxic people and are disruptive to the work place. Personally i would rather deal with a psychopath then a passive aggressive person. You never really know the true personality of a passive aggressive person because they are manipulative to the extreme. You can ask a passive aggressive person an outright yes/no question and they will lie to you outright if they think it will further their aims. To be quiet frank they don't care how you feel and by telling them you are just giving them a benchmark as to how effective their tactics have been. TBH if I recognize a passive aggressive person in my life i get rid of them. I refuse to deal with you and will not give you a foothold in my life.
A lot of the pass/agress; behaviours are also seen in sociopaths.. and also psychopaths.. so depending on the criteria on Narcissist personality disorder .. if your narc abuser has 5 or more tendencies ..he or she is N.P.D. Knowledge is power.. Empower yourself and do the research...it will protect you.
Yes ..A lot of these types are psychopaths...and antisocial..that's what determines this behaviour...Knowledge is power my friends. Learn as much as you can. And you will be protected for your future..👍
RDS yes you can and sometimes you should. My grandmother was an extremely passive aggressive narcissist. And because my mother had the same perspective that you had just expressed, she moved this evil person into our home. Because that's what a good daughter does. My grandmother not only ruined my mother's happiness on purpose, she ruined our opportunity to have a joyful relationship with her mother as a result. She just about drove my mom into an Institution. Moreover, she bullied my sister to the extreme, making fun of her, calling her fat ass and useless and all kinds of other gems. But don't get me wrong, she did these things to me too, but somehow I managed to know better than to take them to heart. And anyhow as soon as grandma could catch both my sister and I in the same room, she would try and get us, by praising and showing kindness to me just to highlight her ill behavior of my sister by comparison. So my relationship with my sister was compromised, my mother's happiness was ruined for quite a number of decades, our home was a war zone so you know my dad wasn't coming home to a warm nurturing environment that he so deserved. And regardless of the fact that she affected me the least, she still managed to contribute to my cripplingly low self-esteem for the first half of my life. My mother unwittingly exposed all of us to the toxic environment as a result of her insisting that she be a good daughter. Because she didn't believe she could walk away from a toxic person simply because they're her parent. So while you're out there taking ill-treatment that no doubt you do not deserve, you may very well be exposing other people who deserve it even less. And even if these others are not exposed to the person specifically, they're exposed to you after you are infected with this negativity and pain. If you're not taking care of you, you're not giving your best self to your loved ones. Remember to make the distinction between loved ones who are good for you and ones who are destructive. Just because you love them doesn't mean they should be in your life. I know someone who loves heroin. But I think we can all agree that it's okay for him walk away from having that in his life too.
During the interview, what are the key questions to ask? The PA person is not always easy to spot, and it comes out after the initial probationary period. Then if they gain a position in the workplace it can create a lot of toxicity.
Hi there, I’m Cynthia. I’m so glad that I’ve just discovered your wonderful channel! I’m learning so much. I already am what you would call “aware “, and I‘be been in therapy a couple of times. But it’s always good to keep on learning. And what I’ve learned from this particular video is that sarcasm is a form of passive aggressive behavior! Wow, I’m floored. My husband is this way and what causes some problems in our marriage. And because children learn from parents’ examples my 13 year old daughter is becoming very sarcastic. I’m at a loss.For the longest time I would call him out about this and make it very clear that it bothers me but he chooses to disregard and disrespect me , so after a long time I just shut down. I don’t know what else to do. And because I’m a Christian we’re taught to forgive. But it’s very hard to forgive when your own husband doesn’t respect you.
I really appreciate you’re suggestion to be gentle and ask questions and ask for clarification and giving the benefit of the doubt even if they were being ugly because I think you’re right about how someone is bringing into adulthood their poor coping skills of how they were treated and therefore treat you. I have seen with SOME (not all) passive aggressiveness people that you can call attention to their behavior in a way that lets them step up and do better and still keep their dignity. Obviously there are some who will not change but that isn’t everyone. Thank you for giving an approach those those who try to change when we gently ask for clarification rather than come to judgment and harsh conclusions.
Or..these are people who want everyone to view them as So nice. So laid back. Pretending to always be happy all the time. Everything is on the sly. They are doing it to be hurtful. But Not being open and straight. They come out smelling like roses..always.
I watch this video when I feel disrespected by my husband. It helps to remind me that I have to stand up for me, and that other people are dealing with partners like mine.
It would be nice if everyone was able to clear the air in such a healthy manner. Oftentimes the person is a cluster B and can’t meet you half way. Also, they will up their game and start abuse by proxy with their flying monkeys. You become their target if they are jealous of something that you have that they don’t(part of their disorder). You become their target if you are your own person and call them out. They tend to completely deny. These individuals tend to be very emotionally taxing.
I fully admit to passive-aggressive behavior. It's lessening as I'm gaining self-esteem and the ability to convey my feelings. It can still be very difficult to be direct but it's becoming easier as time goes on. Julia, do you have a video for people like me who recognize this behavior in their self and would like to change it?
Passive aggressiveness utterly destroyed a relationship of mine. Obliterated it. Wiped it out!! TEETH GRITTED RAGE!!!!!!! DO NOT communicate like this. It will RUIN EVERY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE!! Trust me on that. I lived a nightmare for 6 months because of it. A girl who could not handle or deal with her feelings and the only way she could express her needs / wants / wishes was Passive Aggressively. Dead Silence!!! To the point that she just VOMITTED CONFLICT ………...Everywhere!!!. Flat out rage!!!. I had to give up and let her go. Yeah that's nice!!.. Gotta go now!! Yeah you take care. And I am not interested because I can't read your mind?
@Joe Sawyer hi @Joe Sawyer. I came back to this post months after originally reading it. I began watching and seeking out these videos because I noticed passive aggressive behaviour everywhere including in myself. I saw your post and went and downloaded 'Real Love'. It's truly been an eye opener. Thank you so much for recommending this book! It seems to me it should be compulsory study material for everyone at school and then at university. Thanks again. It seemed all my life that something was wrong inside me. I think you have put me on the path to healing with this book recommendation. I hope you read this post! Thanks again and all the best to you!
I feel like this video is an answer to a prayer. Last week I got sucked into a passive aggressive co-workers drama. She is EXACTLY as you describe them to be. I had no idea how to communicate with her. I'll try these tips and keep on trying. Thank you!
this was a great video 😊 I just recently learned what passive aggressive was but see before I knew what it was I didn't even care or pay attention to it 😅😅 but if someone was passive aggressive to me I think I might have a good way of handling it. 1. being confident. I think passive aggressive people really like to tear down people that they know are not sure of themselves. So if you're confident or at least act confident they can't hurt you. 2.pray for them!! this works for me because I'm a Christian lol but for some people that won't work because they aren't one. But this works for me because these people really are hurting just like the rest of us. 3. Let them know you know what they're doing, either tell them or give them a look that says "shut up" I think passive aggressive people can read minds so you might be able to communicate with them through your looks and your mind alone. but at the end of the day, don't let them bother you. Just pretend like they are joking and move on
These are great hints! If only I was taught these before living with my family hah. Dealing with this on a day to day basis growing up, always wanting my older sister's approval (until now) the passive-aggressive behaviour was relentless. She would always put it down to "I'm only joking". The last straw for me was when she (an 80-90kg woman) stood on both feet of my 3-year-old, bent down and stared into her face. She then made a crazy face and said: " what are you gonna do now!?" In which, my daughter fell backwards then ran to me. Of course, "she was only joking" and apparently I needed to "lighten up". Now, I have come to understand that being raised by a narcissistic mother where our feelings, and needs above being fed, clothed, educated were minimised as unimportant. I love my mother but she raised three girls with major issues! I took the hard way through drugs and alcohol to relieve the dysfunction but thankfully I am now on the road to recovery and studying Counselling has been a huge part of that!
Thank God it is never to late or early to get better and you are doing outstanding in case no one noticed. I did. Keep on fighting the good fight your almost there. My best wishes always and godspeed. Keep on Killin it. Please stop Killin me 😢
I agree. I just had an 8-year relationship end because of this kind of behavior. And I tried to get him to go to counseling and he kept refusing. He wanted to try to keep blaming me for everything. They just throw the blame back on you instead of realizing the problem might be with them also.
@@rachellehermanson4174 I'm scared. I'm in a 2 year relationahip and we go through these cycles of hell every few months. He'll be upset but not tell me about it and instead call me names (because he knows it upsets me) and when his anger has piled he will give me the silent treatment, and make me stressed out thinking about what i did wrong for days, even though i beg him to tell me the reason and I'm really stressed out and miserable, he'll say he's too lazy, or he doesn't know. And when he finally tells me the reason, he will say he thought I will know and understand, but turned out I'm still stupid for not realizing it. He loves to get revenge on me by hurting me for hurting him. I still hope that he can change. I'm giving him his last chance to change know. I asked for a break because I couldn't handle him hurting me intentionally, but he told me if I can't handle him, he will not handle me as well. I'm still crying and I don't know what to do.
What’s frustrating is that the very thing that was done to them as children is what they do in their adult life. It’s the most insidious and biggest pet peeve in society. My mum was very passive aggressive and manipulative. It’s interesting to me how my sister who is the golden child is also a manipulative passive aggressive and I am the scape goat, and was treated worse, however I’ve turned out to be a very direct person who is very honest and forthcoming. As a result I find it difficult to have compassion for passive aggressive people and shows a really narcissistic trait. How is it that one child turns out being this way while another takes the opposite path? Very complex.
Look mate one thing that I don't agree with in this vid is that the woman is saying that passive aggressive people behave this way often because of how theyu were treated as a child. This is Bull shit. No passive aggressive persone behaves this way by accident, it is pureley voluntary. They deliberately behave this way purely and utterly to controll you. They know that nothing will be resolved through passive agression and that is how they want it simples. They know that they have a permanent subconcious hook in you through using passive agression as a means to keep the situation unresolved and keep you constantly ruminating on the issue and coming back to them for the answers. This keeps you stuck in the past and is controlling in that you are emotionaly unstable due to it and unable to focus on the present and becoming the best version of you self. Fuck them, don't deal with them, cut off contact for eternity and don't do what the passive aggressive persone had a bet on in their head that you'd do..... keep thinking about them or coming back to them for the answers. What caused them to use the unnaceptable Passive Aggresion on you is none of your business, forget them and you dissipate all power and controll they had over you!!! You get the last laugh ultimately!!
Thank you for bringing this topic up. In my experience, I’ve encountered my share of passive aggressive behavior, but not from any close relationship, but often it was schoolmates and coworkers, more often, but not exclusively from females. All of them are toxic, but sarcasm has always rubbed me the wrong way, because what is being said (“I like your boots”) doesn’t match the derisive tone of voice and facial expressions (maybe an eye roll). I was really helped by your advice near the end, because I’ve always put up with this toxic thing and let it slide, and I would be so satisfied if next time I encounter it, I’ll just directly call it out. I have to train some people, even adults, how to stop being so disrespectful. Good thing you also warned that there might be denial or other uncooperative responses, I’ll still feel better about myself for putting them on notice and letting them know that it’s not right. And even if I don’t get the response I hope for, it’ll be great practice so I can get more used to asserting my boundaries.
Love the darvo.They don't own their feelings. As a clinician ive seen them play the victim role or devalue someone. Healthy people don't act this way. Healthy people are open and speak clearly w no inattention or avoidance/ denial.
Thanks for your interesting post. I've been trying to deal with a passive aggressive situation in my life and only recently got to a point where I could name the behavior towards me as being passive aggressive. I found it difficult to deal with at first because I would want to react aggressively in return, only to have no direction to aim that aggression other than to myself. I found that when exposed to this over a long period I started having thoughts about myself which were very uncharacteristic of my normal perspective on life. Never do I look at myself and think people would be better off without me. I've always viewed this as a hyper-selfishness. The amplification of the ego. A disconnect from the whole. So when I started thinking these things I wanted to know what the meaning was. I found interesting that you pinpoint the origins of passive aggressive behavior (PAB) as coming from rejection when being direct and open about your feelings. That makes a lot of sense because this is exactly how I was being made to feel. Its easy to see how this kind of behavior spreads and becomes toxic. Also what I am starting to see is that PAB is very much the norm in dealing with issues in corporate environments. Its very much a psychological consequence of high capitalist society where your worth is determined by production value. So how to deal with it ... responsibly? I just couldn't bare this any longer. In order to completely remove the signs of PAB in myself I chose the Direct honesty approach with a 'devil may care' attitude. This has been given me a bad name in the past because I come off as too aggressive. But I felt, rather then feeling like I'm being suffocated in an inward violence, I will have to stand up and try to maintain the line as long as possible. If someone indeed wants to be aggressive they should have the courage to do so. This doesn't help either. It doesn't solve the problem and I'm always on my guard. Recently I've tried carefully aimed sarcasm. Honestly I felt comical. Feeding people their own bullshit and watching them dance around trying to cover up what they were not wanting to dealing with. From your post you name sarcasm as a PAB. Clearly I'm still not solving the problem. I guess being honest and direct in a caring way is the only possible solution to dealing with PAB. My question is however, how do we maintain this emotionally honest and direct approach to caring in a society where toxic behavior spreads so viciously? PAB in our society today is not only tolerated but in some instances instituted. Besides dealing with people that are exhibiting PAB, are their Behavioral patterns that we can implement that detracts PAB from settling into a group ethos? How do we influence our environments positively enough to create an atmosphere of where people can be elevated and not emotionally pulled down? From a societal point of view, as we all have to deal with people as a community some time or the other, I think this is an important discussion to have. Thank you again for your post...I am looking forward to more. :)
The 1st,3rd,5th, is all me with my husband. Im not happy about it at all. I think I was seeing signs of it last year and now I really realizing it more and more that Im really passive aggressive with him with God's help. I think its out of survival because of the many struggles we are having with each other. I am so angry,hurt,frustrated with him. Im going to put on my big girl panties and get it togeher.
My 13 year old son started exhibiting passive aggressive behavior at age 4 and never stopped. But he’s admitted he does like making me upset. He was really young when he told me this. He said it makes him feel “kinda good “ but then bad after. We have to be careful that we don’t let him know things that upset us because he’ll make sure to do those things. He’s honestly been one of the hardest people I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s caused a big strain on our family.
this is a learned behavior but he has to want to change. p/a will end up destroying his relationships, familiar ties and career. it is a one way dead end street but he can still get help!
thanks again. I watched this last year & it helps to keep in touch with reality. I can't seem to avoid some passive aggressive people in my family. I should watch this video before all my family get togethers! you are a good person and very helpful. thank you, thank you, thank you!
My soon to be ex husband is a covert passive aggressive narcissist who cannot communicate directly. He destroyed my sense of self love and security over the course of 17 years. Please don't insinuate that all passive aggressive people are harmless - they are not.
Yes, I've also dealt with someone who is passive agressive on a pathological level. There are comments from people who are trying to work on their passive aggressiveness. What I've dealt with, and I'm assuming you, is not the type of passive agressiveness that people do because they are uncomfortable being direct, and they want to work on it. No, the pathological type of passive agressiveness is really trying to mind - fuck people and skirt responsibility. They don't want to change, never will and are in general hateful human beings.
I am by no means implying anything about passive aggressive people I was simply sharing my understanding of them and was recently arrested because of one and the way I reacted foolishly to that situation and I am sure that the lord will vindicate me . Perhaps your perception of my feedback could skewed by your own beliefs and experiences. I don't believe that I eluded to anyone's harmlessness in anything I am guilty of giving my opinions at times on the subject and for the most part my feedback was based mostly on my opinion and observations I tried to be as impartial on feedback as possible. I apologize if you are offended by something I said. I will say that this is a rather public forum and not everyones feedback or opinion in my case will be to your liking and I would like you to know that I in no way intended to be malicious or imply anything on my feedback I responded as impartially and as factually on the topic as I could. Seriously what do I stand to gain with PA feedback maybe you maybe the one who is not being very honest or transparent in the comments here 🤔.
My favourite and most effective method for dealing with those who are passive aggressive, is to behave in an openly aggressive manner, thus negating their illusion of superior intellect, and getting a good cardio workout at the same time. It is also a great way to whittle down your friends list, which in turn saves you money at Christmas or on other special occasions.
I enjoyed this video thoroughly. I think that people who criticized, gossiped or just attacked you or your interesting points are people that are damaged themselves and didn’t clearly understand. Integrity is most important and so is self-respect.
Thank you for speaking. This needs to be talked about in a million conversations all over the place. This helps my heart heal a little more. Thank you.
First of all thank you again for the video it’s nice to dive into the human psyche. I deal a lot with peoples sarcasm, gaslighting, narcissism, back handed compliments, etc.
some of us where never taught or even allowed to address conflict/issues growing up.thankful that we can learn new skills. Amazing to me how many people in the world refuse to discuss real issues, just pretend everything is okay. Asking for clarification, b/c we all see things through a different lens.
I really like this video. Growing up in a family with high expectations and zero ways to communicate these expectations is difficult. The way you explained the passive aggressor's upbringing matches what I experienced when I was younger. I am guilty of the silent treatment as a form of passive aggression. There are things I am actively doing now to change my behaviour such as clearly communicating my feelings and my expectations.
Psychopaths have mentioned they use this a lot because it's socially acceptable and hard to confront and your video is a perfect example of this justification of behaviour. They also mentioned they are able to get a better understanding of someone's logic by doing this so they can use it later to break a person down. So that said, yes some people are doing it to intentionally harm you. Which are which, that's the issue at hand. Good luck explaining that off.
omg - I made my gaslighting comment at 6:18! Nice to have validation :) Been dealing with a PA, who is very proud of being a PA, for over 30 years. Took some time to figure out how to deal with it constructively - about 20 years. :)
This is sooo relatable. I wouldn't say I'm "inherently" passive-agressive, toxic from default or anything like that. However, I am aware that I can be suuuuper passive agressive (using sarcasm) when I am really hurt and feel like my needs are ignored or I am not being treated equally with everyone else. I know for sure, for me it would be helpful if someone said something like "do you want to talk about what is bothering you?". This kind of being open can completely stop the passive agressive person from behaving this way. I'm not expecting others to solve my problems, i'm working on that, but i'm just saying, this could be very helpful.
I knew I did this with my ex because he would always dismiss or deny my concerns when I talked to him about issues directly, it hurt but we couldn't argue forever either.
Thank you so much. I FINALLY put the big puzzle together! This is the way-passive-aggressive- my husband handles communication when a situation arise. And me I begin to copy his techniques because I thought that was the way he wanted to communicate. CRAZY! I do know it now. Thanks again . ˋThe teacher appears when the student is ready’.
I can be passive aggressive and I've recognized that the root is what Julia says in her video. I've had to validate myself to fight against how I've been raised. But there are times I fall back on unhealthy ways of being and find myself wanting to talk things out
Just be you open and honest and realize that you don't have to validate yourself. Your confidence in your words is your validation enough and people will soon understand and accept that about you.
The worst thing about PA people is that when you do all the things like straightforward saying stuff, they think that is rude and the way they do it is not. Internally they think there is nothing wrong with their behavior.
I just started a athletic sport and was dealing with teammate who exhibited really passive agressive behavior. This really cleared things up for me thank you so much!
I've been dealing with this from my Mother since my first memories. I didn't know she had this behavior of course. The damage it caused me is very, very severe. Knowing now that this is her issue, I've begun learning to love myself.
Had a lot of this done to me. But, I've come to know that when it happens, I confront them about it or just leave them alone and they don't understand why I no longer deal with them.
These are the tools that I have learned slowly.. Don't buy into it!! My daughter is Like a big gust of wind.. It takes me a few days to absorb the materials she expresses.. process? Then I can get to the root of what's been said and address whatever it is that was Said..I Was honest with her and told her this.. I'm so glad that I had.. She thought I was ignoring the conversation and her!! Communication key.. Thank you for the video!!
Interesting that as I listened I realized passive aggression, gas-lighting, narcissism (and other behaviors) are really just polished versions of Lying. For whatever reason, past abuse etc., they are deceptive; intented to deceive.
Yes! It is, now that you mention it, I can totally see that. So weird to me - if you have an issue with someone, and you want to let them know, bring it up for real. If you don't want to talk about it or confront it, DON'T bring it up. These people don't want to address the issue but want to bring it up - they dont want to solve anything, they dont want to get passed it. They want it to continue having a " problem " with something. Miserable
