Attachment Trauma And Longing For Your Ex 

I’m binge watching your channel Coach 🤣

I am disturbed, upset, and confused why I am obsessed with my ex-girlfriend. I understand the logic behind why I feel the way I do but I don't understand how to be unstuck. Why would I care about somebody who I know doesn't care about me anymore? It amazes me how I was tossed to the curb like trash.

I catch myself looking out the window and hope to see my ex arrive. Just like I did when my parents left me alone when I was little...I thought I would never see them again after a long while of being alone.

Anxiety attacks everyday 😭 I'm keeping myself not to reach out. I'm trying to be strong.

Use the gift of the love, connection and good stuff in that relationship as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future or current relationship. Instead of looking back at what you had, look forward to having more of that in your future.

I'm so upset about losing my ex I can't eat and feel dreadful.

This describes me so thoroughly. I had a very unstable young childhood. My mother's mother (my grandma) was a raging alcoholic. It gave my mother stability issues, which then gave siblings and I stability issues. For some reason, it has effected me the most. I remember as a kid fantasizing and longing for boys I barely knew. For months or even years. Completely desiring a love that I didn't have as a child. This all makes sense to me now. I see that my love interests never caused the hurt and the trauma, my parents did. Therefore, my love interest can not solve the trauma pain. Im working on this thru therapy, meditation and awareness. Thank you for spelling it out for us through your video.

During the 3 year of our 12 years together, I lost my grandfather and my younger brother passed from a motorcycle accident...I have not been able to recover from that. I binge drinked on weekends and sulked in misery in my own world, therefore I pushed the person who loved me most to the curve. In the last 2 years I started thinking clearly and found myself falling more in love with my wife. I was too late, she found someone else that filled my void, she cheated, we separated and its sent me on a downward spiral of emotions.

This video is so helpful to me. The information about "if a trauma is severe enough your brain can't separate the past from the present" is my ultimate, as You call it: AHA MOMENT! Thank You Coach! :)

This was a great video. I have terrible separation anxiety. I have wonderful Parents and what I recall from My childhood was being with my mom 24/7. When her and my dad would go on a date I would cry for hours missing her. Now my ex and I have been broken up almost 9 months and I have a terrible obsession over him. He never leaves my mind. Tears daily. He said he needs to find himself so the no contact is difficult yet not as difficult as rejection so I'm hopeful he will reach back out to me as he was very attached to me. Madly in love for 6 years. Thank you Craig as your videos have been saving me.

This video needs to be watched again and again. I lost my Dad when I was 10 and break ups feel like deaths. I didnt really know that until I watched this video. I'm back on no contact because of this video and mistakes made because of childhood trauma. This was so helpful and enlightening. Thank you

Okay. I have seen a lot of "Relationship guides" on RU-vid. But this is some next level stuff here. Thank you.

Thank you for caring and wanting to help people like me ♡ I'm hurting 😔

Out of the 200 videos I've watched, this is your best. My reaction to my ex is more about me than what she did. 1 year later and I still cry. My childhood was a Trainwreck. Drunken parents, violence and neglect. I thought I found the love of my life and when she left, I felt utterly abandoned. Thankyou for this.

I cried so much listening to this, and I recall waiting for my father to come back, and he didn't. I can only imagine how I felt as a child. My grandparents took me in and said upon my arrival, I was a "deer in the headlights," fearful of the world. Wow. All I could do was hug myself as I listened to this, this describes me accurately. I needed this.

This just literally kept me sane. I’m obsessive and give all my best style (very stupid). But I never even realized it dates back from my childhood why I’m angry, very very afraid of abandonment. I’m literally shaking with anxiety, puking and with diarrhea and all the worst physical and mental pain that I torture myself. This video calms me down. Thank you

Wow, amazing to find out there's a reason for our feelings of desperation and loss. Thank you so much.

I've learned to love myself more as a result of my breakup...self-care and self-love is so important...

Thank you so much for this content Coach Craig. I watched this and literally started crying as the epiphany of my past and unmet needs came back to me. My dad left when I was young, and since then I have had trouble connecting with people when growing up. Wrongly being labeled as a 'loner' without understanding the context. My ex leaving has brought on major separation anxiety. I feel this will help me work on those issues once and for all.

Great video Craig. You did a great job explaining a lot of things. There's so much work I need to do in order to heal.

This video is so amazing! I felt like it helped the big hole in my heart. Thank you so much. I binge your videos every single day! God bless you for doing this for every hurting heart ❤️❤️❤️

I came across your channel a couple of months ago and can't even begin to tell you how much your videos have helped me to understand what makes a relationship fail and how my past attachment trauma has played a huge role. This video, by far, has been the most helpful to me and literally had me in tears beating myself up and wishing I had come across your videos sooner. I'm hoping it isn't too late...

Thanks as always Coach. Great video! The pain is still real, especially when you did everything right for so long - 2 years.

Wow craig your like a lifeguard who saves me from drowning (literally i felt i died again) Your my savior. Thank you so much for helping people like us, the pain is unbearable sometimes and i find it calming hearing from you and margaret it make me sleep at night and get my appetite back. Its been 3 weeks since my ex and i broken up i never thought i have unresolved issues and maybe thats why we broke up, now that i know i felt more calm right now and i know i have to fix myself. watching your videos i knew she and i were not meant for each other. I try to tell myself everyday is a new day i will be fine. So for people like me who’s struggling moving on and the pain just keep on coming back your not alone. We can do this. 💪🏽 dont look back its hard i know but just keep going forward they left us already wake up everyday reminisce the past look for the mistakes you’ve done keep it with you and learn from it we’ll be fine. so when the next one comes we’ll be happier and it will be better. I dont comment much but im too grateful for this free content and i knew this is the least i can do. Hope i could express it more but english is not my first language. God bless Craig and Margaret may God shower you guys with blessing you just saved a lot of people everyday.

When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety; when I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great wisdom here for anyone who can grasp it.

I seriously don't think she's attached to me... even after a 9 year relationship that was good, no fighting or arguing. She came over today for the "talk" and she said that she feels great because she feels free.

Craig, you are such a good communicator and your ability to empathize with people (me) is such a blessing. I'm going on 2 months and I miss her so much ( we never even had an argument) and your videos help me, than you!

You have really helped me tonight and I appreciate your advice. I hope I can use this to pick myself up. Thank you

I'm a little late to the party but Coach Craig you are the man! I've learned more things about myself in the past nearly 2 months than the previous 40 years and a lot of it has come from you! Thank you and keep up the good work man!

Wowza….that hit home. So much to unpack. So much to think about. Geez….that was helpful. Thank you Craig.

Craig…how can I ever THANK YOU for your time & your caring so much to help us understand & empowering us with this knowledge . With a grateful heart l applaud your giving effort.

My mom died from cancer when I was eight. I had anxiety while dating and Im having really bad time with the breakup. I for sure have anxious attachment. It all makes sense now. Thank you.

Hi Craig, your videos have really helped me begin the process of looking after myself instead of just focusing on my ex and what it is I have to do to get them back. I wasn’t the best person to be with near the end of our nearly 4 year relationship. We were engaged and saving for a mortgage. Covid happened and magnified our issues we already new we had. My past made huge impacts on the relationship because I had so much trauma as did my ex. We were codependent, relied heavily on each other and lost friends. They then broke up with me and I tried to remain the best person to be broken up with. I gave them space, time, no contact and didn’t pressure them. Whenever we were in contact they would give me a sense of hope for the future. Still wouldn’t want to get back with me but I took this as a positive. However as time went on and still no word I lost hope. I got bad gut feelings and they turned out to be right. This was proven as they had never logged out of their social media on my devices and so I seen messages. They were back in contact with their ex and lying about me in the relationship. The lies were really exaggerated and some very hurtful as they were completely n it true. My ex however was saying to their ex (who was also toxic) that they didn’t want them telling anyone else about what they were saying about me. To keep it between them. My ex found out that I had seen the messages and as you could imagine got really angry. So a threatened they would get the police. I tried to explain to them how they didn’t log out as our accounts had been joined previously and they needed to unjoin them. They still wouldn’t listen even with proof and other witnesses. Now the break up has gotten so messy and toxic I don’t know what to do. I never thought I’d see this person in this light and it breaks my heart. I know it looked like I was impeding on their privacy which isn’t a nice feeling. I tried to do the right thing at first by logging out of their account but curiosity got me when I seen their exes name pop up as they were in the middle of sexting. I am only human after all. I felt so stupid as they told me they didn’t want to be with anyone let alone with their ex who was toxic and they had left many times before. They are showing signs of pure hatred towards me and all I have tried to do it give them what they want in this break up in hopes for a future with them. The separation anxiety is unbearable at time and even still after seeing what they have said about me. I hope you read my comment and reach out. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Been watching hundreds of these videos the past few days. This one really hit home. Never considered childhood to be a factor.

Great Video to watch. It answered me many questions I had over 30 years of my first love's leaving me. He left me for someone else he'd been seeing for a year behind my back. They got married soon afterwards. No need to mention how horrible and painful it was for me to be left alone with all those questions in my head. I had no contact with him in the past 30 years and he never reached out to me. I contacted him 2 months ago, thought I'd got over it and was ready to apologize for what I had done or thought I'd done wrong. Having watched your videos makes me realized it wasn't actually my faults. It makes me feel different but somehow I'm still longing for the person and the feelings toward him are still there. He's still married to the same woman and I'm married to a man who I don't develop as deep love as what I had towards him. I think this video explains well why I'm like who I am now. I do have to solve my other issues as I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. Will keep watching your videos. Thank you for sharing.

So insightful. Your story is so appreciated Craig. I now understand my partner who is suffering from anxiety from his childhood. I had a secure upbringing and can now empathise with him.

Wow so powerful. I realized two instances in my childhood that I never realized .Not knowing that it would affect my adulthood..I didn’t know the impact of them until now. I remember the emotions I had from one of them. The flashbacks were abandonment of a relative. The other was when I was under two years old. I will watch this video over and over! I had a flood of emotions when you were explaining everything! Thank you you for this and I will heal with your voice every night! Thank you Craig!

Thanks Craig, this is an absolutly great video and really a huge help!

I loved this video! Thank you!!! I've long since known that I had a childhood injury...abandonment and not feeling heard. I figured it out years ago. I still struggle with healing. Please do more bids on recovery. I am definitely doing MUCH better. My go to is to remember my worth and allow the person to walk away. I figure, if they left on their own, they can also return on their own- without my interference. 🤷🏾‍♂️

Thank you, I am in tears; as I finally comprehend how much work i need to do for my self

Thank you sir.. You hit the nail on the head. I don't feel as alone now

The problem is our 'amygdala' gets super active after the breakup. And it is just not possible to control amygdala just by 'reasoning'. We cannot get rid of the anxiety,fear and all other negative emotional reactions just by thinking that they should/need/will go away. That is not how things work. What we need is to work on the 'chemical reactions' that amygdala triggers in the body. What we need to do is to work on the amygdala itself. And the best way to calm down the body is by paying attentions to the bodily reactions like in meditation, move the body,do breathing exercises like Wim Hof's, cold shower....and even FASTING......etc!

this video is phenomenal

This really helps me so much. I feel a bit better now. Thank you. I love your vids.

Craig, well done and well put together video. Lots of valuable information here. I watched it twice and I found your words to be very helpful and insightful while also motivating. Keep up the great work you do! You have some of the best videos here on RU-vid and you help so many people every day. You enrich others lives.

Thank U so much for sharing, your video have no price, since my breakup this is the Most Best video i have watched.

This video really hit home with me! And I would rate it as the most insightful one I have seen! I have really bad anxiety over break ups and this time around it’s been really bad... I can’t thank Craig enough for these videos they are my saving grace of a night when my thoughts come alive. Hoping to be be able to book a Skype session once I can get the money put away. Don’t want to loose my ex this time around she’s to important to me

Craig, can you get even more amazing than you already are? Probably not but..you still manage it, since every video of yours I see (and I ve seen about 40!) is better than the last one! I am really grateful, than even tho my bf broke up with me I found you. You dont just sooth my pain but you also teach me so much! Please keep up the videos for us poor students!

Wow. This really opened my eyes

I only felt the death for 4 days into our break because I knew he would leave because he avoided trying to mend anything so then when he actual did break up with me, I felt numb...I finally accept it but doesn't mean I wish for him to be out of my life but he needs that and has places to go.... I am truly hard on myself on what went wrong so I don't ever do it again but it makes me feel not good to not be worth it and yet I know I'm not horrible, I just have anxiety and he does too.

Currently binge watching your videos Craig, they really help! Feel better after watching every one :)

Fantastic content Craig! I discovered that I have an anxious attachment style and men I liked have all been avoidants. I grew up without my father. When I was a little girl, my father and me would sporadicaly hang out. What I have discovered is that I recreate that relationship with men I date. We hang out, they dissappear, and then they come back.That is normal to me because that is the pattern of my relationship with my father. Also, if I meet a man who is secure, I find him boring because there is too much security. Paradoxal situation. I need security and reasurrance, but if I get it, I can't handle it. It is not familiar to me and therefore not 'normal'. Also, it turns me into avoidant. Craig, you helped me so much. Rock on :))

Great talk Craig. I need to work on myself even more.

This video hit home. When you talked about playing with action figures because it would help you focus and create your own world. I felt that to my core. I did exactly that. You help son much more than you know. Can't wait for our Skype.

thank you for sharing about your experience , your vulnerability from your childhood. wow, that is awful. i glad you were able to find your help from what you know now. 🙂 take care

Hi Craig, Amen to your video.. Happy New year to you and to Margaret.

This is definitely me. To sum it up, 10yrs going back and forth with a woman. I'm anxious, she's avoidant, so as the story goes like as soon I get vulnerable with her she pulls away and then I go through the motions for months. Trying, to trying harder, then becoming manipulative etc... I'd like to work on me,so I can stop this cycle because it's ruined good relationships I had with other women.

Loved this. The heart and soul of you series. Grasp this and you are home.

I cried watching that video... Lost the love of my life due to my anxiety and insecurity.... I love her so much i wish i had a time machine to fix everything

Great video Craig , can’t wait to chat with you on Friday for the Skype coaching!

I think this was one of your best videos Craig and it most resonates with me

Man I learned about attachment styles today. i've been trying to learn how to better communicate and about non-violent communication (Marshall Rosenberg), and that helped a lot. But now that I've learned that I'm most likely an avoidant, and my GF is an anxious style, everything makes sense. Everything I did and all my thoughts of trying to break the relationship were justified in my head completely (which is why I'm an avoidant, I can find faults easily). My gf is an alcoholic, like her father which makes me not want to commit to her (I don't want to have alcoholic kids I tell myself); but I'm a workaholic just like my mother was. The past 5-7 years of my life are based on idealizing independence; I have my own business (online so I dont have to deal with people physically), and I am totally location independent and time independent. I read all entrepreneur the books which talk about how great it is and how to achieve this kind of never before possible independence. (The two major authors are single I'm now realizing, one is Tim Ferris) But when I look at what really lit the fire of my workaholic behavior is when I broke up from my first real gf which I'm not sure if I fully healed from. I think I might have been traumatized by it now. I was too naive at the time to put too much attention and concern on it, and I was mostly just masking it by doing the norm (in college) of binge drinking with friends. But when I wasn't with friends and or drinking, I had really bad anxiety for about 2 years and almost dropped out of college. My first ex did actually drop out as it must have affected her too because I tried to show that I wasn't hurt by being with other girls at places I knew she would have to be at (my fraternity and her sorority functions), and she did the same to me, and it was really really painful. After compulsively ditching classes (way too much anxiety to sit in a classroom 8 hours a day) for about 2 extra years in college, enough was enough. Also my grandpa (my mom's dad) inspired me to graduate. I hardened up, and around the same time joined internet marketing forum with like minds. I read on the forum that the best way to get off a break up is to just go and have an awesome life, so I began my work. I worked so that I could build the life that would make me feel like I not only survived the break up, but thrived from it. And this is all part of the avoidant transformation idea, where the person sets out to prove they don't need anyone to survive. And in a way I totally fulfilled it, I now have a high income (when I'm not self-sabotaging everything), but now I'm having relationship problems. Relationships were seriously like 5/10 on my list of priorities the past 9 years, until I decided it was time to "upgrade my life" by having a relationship. (Yea thats how I was viewing it at the time) That's when I got into a relationship with my current gf who I'm thinking has the anxious attachment style. She has panic attacks in the morning about what would happen if her Mom died, and she copes by drinking 1 and half of the extra big bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Its an insane amount she drinks, I find myself disgusted by it, and sometimes the odor coming off her smells like literal death. Part of me can can totally understand her anxiety and pain, and other part of me (the hardened part) gets mad that she doesn't just harden up. My parents don't want me to be with her because she's an alcoholic and can't hold a job. I earn enough for the both of us, but I use that against her even though I do value that she doesn't work sometimes because then we can take off on vacations at any time. But basically we're having all the typical things happen between an Avoidant and an Anxious. I do feel like she sees me as a meal ticket at times and I get worried that the relatives I look up to will think less of me for being with her. I worry that she's not pretty enough, smart enough, or responsible enough (especially to raise children with, I think she is a child sometimes), and that if I choose to be with her I'm effectively choosing NOT to be with my family anymore. It's like the values my family hold conflict with choosing to be with her because in their eyes its a toxic relationship. In my eyes its a toxic relationship too though, but I'm an avoidant so I'm gonna think that. But just looking around me I feel that theres enough evidence to show this is a toxic relationship. Or that I myself am too toxic at this time. My tv is broken from when things boiled over badly (I broke it because all she does is drink and sit infront of the TV all day and its a way she can ignore the mess we are causing), I'm on my 4th phone replacement in 3 weeks. I'm totally ashamed by my own behavior in this relationship, and my gf isn't as concerned and thinks its normal. I do know that her father was a really bad bad drunk, so her standards are not very high. And I can never have my parents over because they will see all the destruction which they will not expect from me even though my dad had anger issues which is where I'm getting that from. Thanks for these videos. I guess I just needed to type out my feelings a bit because maybe it will help as I'm an avoidant.

I am disturbed, upset, and confused why I am obsessedwith my ex-girlfriend.

I’ve watched this video over and over and over again.

Craig, this video is genius. I cant believe how this info resonated with me. When you said as a child you didnt feel heard, a light bulb went off and i could see instances in my childhood where i felt the same. So far, this is the most insightful video I have watched. I just wonder how you go about resolving those issues with your care givers?

Wow.. unbelievable work..thanks Craig!

Thank you for this video Craig. I cant afford your coaching but I really appreciate your video content here.

Great encouragement 🙏🏻

Nice talk Coach Craig, too late for me but Im glad for others.

Thank you for what you do!!

I agree great video . I already assumed I have a major separation anxiety from childhood and adulthood​ situations such as loss of family . I also played with toys alot to create a comfort zone as I was alone/ lonely as a child in a single working parent home. I would like to learn how to overcome the issues more then just diagnos them though. if you have more to add to this... I like the don't give up hope it might help. I know I'm not hated by my ex just not a priority right now.even if she won't talk to me . Ive been her longest and nicest relationship. I should not be to hard on myself​. she must come to see what I put into it in the long run even if I was a little smothering at times I was giving, loving , kind. and I tried it will resonate :)

thanks for this video. I'm obsessed currently, and my regular therapist doesn't even touch this stuff.

thank god for the internet to have self development healing from information of explanation of patterns from the symptoms.

Had to watch a second time. Makes great sense. Kinda funny too. Cobra commander was my therapist growing up also.

what do you do when your childhood was perfectly fine but you are madly longing for your ex. What do you do then? How do you move on ??

Great video, very helpful.

I do like your video and you and Margaret are doing a wonderful job

loved it Craig... u are an amazing Coach.. God Bless U :)

I am going to watch this one 100 times!

Learning alot from you craig

So helpful. This area of treatment seems to have been neglected. I have had 4 therapists and studied myself and was unable to gain a clear understanding of the content you offer. Thanks.

Craig, thank you so much for the video! The obsession is always about our past not the other person. My situation is more complicated, he left me because of his families. I have been constantly bargaining with all the fantasies as you said, which did no good to me but drove me crazy. We cannot get back together at this point when most dynamics remain the same. Anyways I should move forward and leave him alone.

Fantastic vid. So good

Amazing job and video

I have no trauma from my childhood yet I cannot get my ex out of my mind and live right now on the hope of a possibility of getting back together in the future. And even though I try to move on and get out of the house with girl friends every where I go there are memories I cannot escape. I don’t know why I cannot get over him. He has moved on to someone else yet I still hold on to hope even though I’ve told myself there is a very slim chance he will be back. I keep trying to find happiness in my life and focus on me but I can’t get over missing him 😢

this is mind blowing stuff! wow

"pre occupied of having them in your mind . " yes!! highly relateable..😕😔😾😬😒😥

Funny that I was always told as a child that I was a cry baby. But the trauma is what made me act out and try to get attention. I was a picky eater too. Then started cutting. It was all about control. Makes total sense now. My anxiety was so bad I was so drama even as a Young adult. But after being left and molested at 3 years old while mom was out drinking and having fun. Then molested on and off my whole childhood like if I had a sign saying continue to hurt me. No wonder I was so much drama. Thank God Coach Craig has come into my life. I'm so much better and happier and freer but it's taken 34 years. 🤣🙌🏼

Yes my mum used to say things when I wanted to go friends place ..she won't be there when I got back...so what your saying it fits me like a glove

Great video coach! This is is so me to a T! I was told by a therapist that this is also borderline personality disorder because it deals with abandonment issues and everything you discussed here... Only I really dont think my ex will come back to me and I am going through a lot emotionally and physically as well.. My eating an sleeping is all messed up and my fears an anxiety levels are through the roof! I dont like feeling this way its been over a month now.. 😔😪

i have anxiety even a year and a half after the break up. went away for a while but its come back again..... im farked :(

You are great!!! Blowing away with the information. Now I wonder if I want my boyfriend back. Thank you so much!!!

I've had 3 relationships in my life, 16-18 yrs old in the first, didn't feel like the end of the world, and things were good when it ended. 20 with the second, we got married when I was 22, we separated after 15 yrs and divorced at 20 yrs. In that 5 years I worked and came home to my kids and spent time with my parents, wasn't the end of the world. Also, there were no thoughts of getting back together. It was an emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship. I had just turned 43 when I got together with my current relationship. He broke it off for 6 mths after about 16 months. During that time I did nothing but go to work and would go home and cry or sleep, that is the worst I ever felt in my life. He was seeing someone during that time, after they broke up I went to his house to get my stuff and we just wound up back together. Now it's been almost 3 yrs and he has started pulling away, just two months ago he was talking about looking for a house where I live. I am in some turmoil again, he has pulled back before but this just feels a little different. We have talked some over the last week. I just hate that what problems we do have are caused because of my daughter's marriage. It had alot to do with our break up and I believe is the root of our current issues. The whole thing brings me down and that affects him. He was going to bring his daughter and they were going to spend all last summer with me, but every time my daughter and her husband would get into it my daughter and the kids would come to my house. Leaving her husband at a house rented in her name and he would move some ole gal in and they would stay until the landlord kicked them out. I know that my guy is right in that we, being my dad and I, mostly my dad, have got to stop supporting them. They created 4 children and he won't work and causes her to lose every job she gets. He is also an on again off again druggie and has left her multiple times for other girls. If the money were cut off, he would probably stop coming back. But why is my current relationship the one that causes me so much heartache? I think maybe because he has always just felt like home.

Wow I just gained more info about myself. I happen to have an anxiety disorder. Panic attacks daily and I’m also dealing with no contact with my gf of 8 years.

yes!, at 18 min. thinking if i would've said something different or done something. thank you for sharing.

You nailed what I'm going through Craig.😂 Thanks

I’m coping with the loss of my ex and that what we had when we had it was great but he chose to leave. It’s such a crazy painful feeling.

Wow!!! Can I call you Sifu because you are truly a black belt at relationships.

I have never had a issue before my last relationship. I have always done the breaking up and have had several relationships in my life. This time I thought he was the one and then boom he broke up with me. I just can’t let go, he continued his relationship with me even while dating for a few months and then he met someone new. She was actually engaged to be married, his mother passed away and boom she moved in with him all within a couple months. Then he started pushing me out and I said no more I’m done. I’m obsessed about this and so frustrated and it’s affecting me in so many ways. I started no contract 2 weeks ago. He literally has no friends, it’s a codependent relationship. He even distanced from his family. We had a relationship for 3.5 years but the last 1.5 were him dating while we were together.

I love you so much :) Craig you’re amazing :)