Can Friendships Survive Kids? | Parents and Childfree People Talk About Why It's Almost Impossible 

I'm childfree & when I call my friends with children I want to talk to my friend. I do not want to listen to them talk to their child for 20 mins about why doing chores is important. I don't talk to my cats for 20 mins while on the phone with my friends.

I think friendships can survive kids if both parties maintain the friendship.

Nah, if the parent is all take, take, take, demanding the village be at their beck and call its OK to drop them. Priorities change and not everyone likes or wants to be around kids, that's just life.

It's depressing how all these married women with kids are talking about their experiences like they're a single mother. Their partner is another responsibility they need to dedicate time to but not one they can count on for important aspects of child-rearing.

I lost my relationship with my best friend after she became a mother. I felt bad for her and knew she was stressed. I'd come over and help her clean her house, babysit for free, listen to her struggles, and just try to support her, but she became very entitled, unappreciative, bitter, and even jealous of my freedom. She'd always compare herself to me like she was competing with me. I brushed it off at first, but it got more and more blatant. Things got increasingly toxic, and she started trampling over every boundary I tried to enforce. The incessant disrespect made me begin harboring more and more resentment towards her and then I knew the friendship was dead. I think she was always like this, but I didn't see it until the hardship of motherhood exacerbate her covert narc traits.

The girl in the blue and the girl after her erked my nerve. Not everyone who chooses to be child free hates kids. Ole girl is right. She shouldn't have to baby proof her house for someone who doesn't live there. That doesn't mean she hates kids or don't respect you or your kid. But it's clear they have no respect for other people. Unless you're going to pay for the baby proofing costs, Youre not entitled to dictate to other people about what they should be doing to their homes. Youre the one who chose to have a child. How about watching your children and making sure they are behaved enough to not wreck your friends homes. These moms are so entitled.

What irks me is the tone seems to be, "I have a kid now so you must accommodate me." It's the entitlement. The expectation that child fee people simply have to accommodate their "friend" because of the kid. And for people who will say, "Yes, that is the case," thanks for proving my point. Friends will talk about the other person getting married, but they will NEVER talk about how having kids can affect the relationship. It's like a friendship circle isn't worth having that conversation, and I think that needs to change. Often after kids, friendships become lopsided, and entitlement creeps in. And after a time, EVERYTHING in that once interesting person's life becomes about their kid. It's all they talk about, it's all their posts (I know people with pre-teens and literally every social media post is still about them). And I don't think people with kids can realize how much of an emotional leech they can become after that kid gets here. Ive had this happened about 5 times with friends. A child free person will often give it a shot. Try and be there for them, but that person then becomes expectant, and entitled. Cancel plans at the absolute last minute. Will want to do something then ghost. And after a while (for me it was months) you get tired of it. Then you downgrade that person from a friend to an acquaintance. Then they contact you when it's easy for them, and you might have coffee or lunch once every 6 months. And then all they talk about is their kid. Not their interests or their goals in life, just their kid. This problem is not one of child free people. And most child are people are cool with kids. It's the entitlement from a lot of patents for me. The over accommodation that they expect you to make for them, with no regard. Its sad, really.

Nope as a childfree woman the moms who try and remain friends or become my friends always expect free babysitting that is just not going to happen with me.

The friends that stay end up being auntie and babysitter.

I’m child free and the biggest issues I’ve faced was being damned if you ask , damned if you don’t . I would invite them out and they’d say they didn’t have a babysitter, then I’d say no problem … the baby can come . I learned that it was “offensive” to ask them to bring the baby along because they wanted freedom. Also the consistent conversations about the kids and nothing about them and I.

I think it’s a personal preference for everyone. I would not hang out with someone who has children as a child free person. I literally remove myself from all the friendships with my friends when they started having kids. One of the main reasons I did this is not because I didn’t want to listen to my friends vent, I don’t mind listening to them vent about the children. The issue I had was some of the children were not very well-behaved, and they would think they could come to my house stand on furniture, break things and be disrespectful and the parents we do nothing to correct them. The last thing I want to do is correct someone else’s children that is your job. Another reason was they always assume that I was going to help with the children. Whether it was changing a diaper or making a bottle I was expected by some of them to do that. The relationships became very one-sided, and selfish and I’m not putting up with any selfishness or disrespectful kids. My nieces and nephews even know better.

I lost my friend not because she had children. I didn’t mind at all going places with her and her children or just hanging at her house. I lost her due to her repeating over and over to me about how I don’t have kids so I must have money (she was asking me for money) ( I’ve loan her money twice before she said this) and introducing me to her other friends as this is my friend she doesn’t have kids. With her friends looking shocked and gasping at me as if I’m a freak show. I wish I was joking but I’m not.

40 yo childfree here. What made me walk away from friendships with parents was the parent suddenly stopping putting in an effort. I understand your life is going through a major adjustment and your time/energy is finite, but if you can't even shoot me a text, I take it that you're divesting from the relationship, and I'll do the same. Sorry not sorry.

As an ex-child, I cannot tell how much I dislike parents whose plan of entertainment and safety for their children rested entirely on me and my siblings while they sipped tea with my parents for hours. I would have also preferred to drink tea and parttake in the conversation to babysitting their kids. I eventually did do that *but the point is, literally no one wanted to entrtain small kids including their own parents and us, the host kids.* Socializing as parents is truly difficult unless one forces others to look out for their kids. Edit.: I realize the lady who brought up "killing two birds with one stone" did not necessarily suggest to leave one's kids in the host kids' care. It is simply a common practice among parents where I live.

I approach friendships with parents of young children/babies very tentatively. It has happened more than once that I will become friends, be asked to babysit in a one-off situation...and then it creeps in that I am automatically expected to be Childcare Plan B if Plan A doesn't work. It comes to a point where the only reason they seem to maintain our friendship is to keep my services on the backburner. I'm glad that I'm someone that can be trusted with kids. I'm glad that I'm someone whose friends feel comfortable coming to in times of need. But I'm not glad that my parent friends always just become....idk, community volunteering projects.

I get it but idk. I just can’t handle kids so I know I won’t hang out w you. My cousin got pregnant recently and it made me sad tbh. We are young still and I was excited to make new memories for us outside our toxic family, and now I won’t be hanging out w her.

Hard pass parents. I will reunite with you when your kids leaves the nest ✌️

I’m child free and in my early 20’s , my friend had her baby at 19 or 20 I don’t remember the exact age. I feel like we don’t have much in common anymore since the kid has arrived. I don’t really like talking on the phone anymore bc the kid is always yelling in the background and she’s always yelling and disciplining the kid back, it’s annoying as hell. I don’t like hanging out with her anymore bc the kid always has to be with her bc the baby daddy is a piece of shit. When we do hang out she’s always running behind the kid and it’s very distracting. Everything revolves around the kid. I don’t hate children and I understand that they come first but damn I just want my friend back. I still care about her but I think it’s time to make new childfree friends.

I was hoping to hear the perspective of mothers who lost friendships. What happened and whether they were able to make new ones. I have a very hard time making new mom friends. I didn’t have many friends to start with and I only have a few of my friends, who became Moms and two who are child free. My child free friends are the best and I work to keep the relationships. Mom friends are flaky and I almost have none.

If anyone in my limited friend group ever has children, I won't end the friendship, but I will make it clear that I will never take responsibility for their child. I will never babysit. I won't be around the child or interact with them willingly.

I don’t think it’s right to dump people just because they had something change in their lives. Some of my more wholesome friends/acquaintances are parents. That being said if they try to take advantage of us child free people that’s where I’d draw the line but so far none have done it to me

It was tough hanging with friends who have kids when their kids were young. They were ALWAYS distracted and I never had there full attention when we hung out together. BUT, I knew that eventually the kids would grow up and we’d eventually get more quality time together.

wholeheartedly disagree with the second woman. You have completely different priorities, responsibilities, freedoms and perceptions of the world before and after children. Eventually the stages between the childless friend and parent friend will become extremely aparent on how different each one has evolved. It's okay to no longer relate with a friend who has evoled with/without children. You aren't a bad person just because you no longer want to be friends with someone, this is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a while. - Also, the mentality of Ride Or Die is very toxic. You should critically think about who's in your life, and if they arent good for you or your world, leave them. This person has lacked critical thinking from the examples mentioned, but I hope they're happy and living peacfully with their choices.

Im a single parent. Had been since conception. And the one thing I will say many people grossly over estimated my support system and time allowence. I had no support. So just ask what resources they have before you assume. Thats all I asked.

Ive had to drop my friends not because they are parents, but because they arent perfect parents, but act like it when i try to criticize. If i cant criticize something i disagree with, and be taken seriously, im simply not wanted. A friend who is only accepted as a good-time friend isnt a real friend.

If a friend of mine entered an abusive relationship, I would not be able to spend my mental health on trying to save them from it. They’ve gone a certain way and I would have to end my relationship with them. I am not going to be enough to help them get out. It would be the same if they joined a gang or had a child. It affects the person A LOT!

Idea: Re couples with kids MAYbe in our current times/economy: in order to have attracted a life partner, gotten married, be able to afford kids and a mortgage on a place to home them, a.Nothing too bad has ever happened to you in your life thus far (for you to be ready to have kids when you needed to biologically), or to to disrail your plans, and/or b.you've had to be fairly self focussed and ambitious, so MAYbe the complete lack of control that is being a parent and parenting is experienced as,'really hard',by the types of people that are getting to become parents these days, but, in itself, it's actually only as 'hard'(unrelenting, thankless and isolating) as it's ever been?it's just new to Millenials & Zoomer parents. Also, parenting/ being a parent/ loving and being responsible for other humans isn't the hardest/worst thing in life and if it is, it isn't only a challenge. So C) No one really wants to hear you complain about how hard the life you got to choose for yourself, a life that other people may have wanted and missed out on, is 'such hard work'.I wonder if this is a very white? Anglosphere? problem, like people are so confined to their little 'nuclear' ;) families. Do Black, aboriginal or Hispanic couples with kids struggle to be friends with old CF friends? D)This undeclared consensus that parents are just too busy (for friendship) really just undercuts the diverse, social and emotional complexity of the lives and relationships of people who don't (or can't) have children ,and or don't (or can't) have a longterm partner, People who are non parents REMAIN sons and daughters, brothers sisters, lovers ,friends, carers, pet owners, volunteers, neighbors and often indispensable professionals.Alot of this post's contributors implicitly buy into this idea that no one could be as busy or in demand or as giving as a parent of their own young child, and that CFs' lives are just big empty playgrounds/cake walks/emotional deserts where CF people wait for real adults (new parents) to ordain to visit to let us know how inadequate our existences are, and how inadequate they will remain unless we lead their lives It's such (sexists really) propaganda.

Id say, not really. Maybe in a few years..but In my experience no. If it's family, those relationships got more distant and changed completely.

I 💯 percent agree with the second woman.

The first woman….no.

I take my friendships very seriously! They are not just my friends, they are my family. One of my dearest friends that I could not imagine life without had a child and it changed NOTHING! I could not imagine cutting a friendship because my friend had a child. Like, what are we talking about here? I don’t have a child yet, but would like to one day. If any of my friends would stop being friends with me because of it, they can leave my life now. I agree with the second woman 💯. I also agree that you should make time for plans with your friends without your child/children.

Trigger warning: mild descriptions of abuse I had a friend who was dating this guy that was emotionally abusive to her and high-key groomed her, and I tried my best to explain to her that she is in a very bad situation. And then he hit her. And you would think that that would wake her up and show her that I was right and she needs to get out of this relationship. He hates me, obviously, but never shows it in her presence. I hate him openly, which makes me a bad friend. And then she dissapears for a couple of months, I try to get in contact with her and fail, only for her to come back to my house with him in tow, to announce that they are going to have a baby. Nah. Absolutely not. Couple of months ago we both were agreeing on how we both dont see ourselves as parents at all. And he just stood there, behind her, smiling such a menacing smile that I wanted to punch him in the face. She looked lifeless, she used to be so animated and lively, almost like a disney character, and now she just wasnt there, the lights were off. I know in this moment I was the worst friend in the world, but I just gave up, when I swa that she's not there. We didnt speak since. Now I can't deal with my friend becoming parents - I didn't like kids to begin with, and now I just quietly drift away from all the people who stop being themselves upon becoming parents. It's like someone else is wearing my friend's skin. Just no.

Honestly, reading through the comments it just sounds like yall don't have/aren't good friends. The kids, or lack thereof just brought the issues to the surface. Someone who takes advantage of people was probably always that way, but since it's their kids, you think to be more borhered by it. And people who can't stand for their friends who are parents to even hint at their kids' existence are weird.

I think what's a bit wild about all of these conversations is that many people in these videos keep shifting the blame for the relationships they struggle with onto the other person. The mom needs to include the single person, the single person needs to include the mom, the single person needs to include the kids, the mom needs to separate themself from the kids, etc. I have kids, I have friends, and I do not expect anyone to call me. My friends and I don't have pressure to "maintain" our friendships; we remain friends whether we see each other once a year, several times per month, or only chat via text. The one lady who is child-free sounds really angry and obviously has some personal experience being frustrated with friends with kid. Her videos come off as a bit unhinged and, overall, more selfish as the way she describes her experiences, she constantly goes back to only how she feels, never really empathizing with her friends who have kids.

Yes you can be friends with someone with children, some of the women in the video, just don't like children and they're just making excuse of why they can't be friends with someone with children,to deflect from they real feelings , which is they don't like children.

What in the strawman fallacy is going on here? 😂 I've never heard some say they don't want to be friends with someone because that person has kids, nor have I seen friendships end over it.

boo hoo parents complaining about choices they made 🥱 no one wants to put in extra effort for a mid friendship with someone who no longer prioritises you