Dan Savage & Esther Perel | Love, Marriage & Monogamy | Talks at Google 

"in the US sex is the risk factor. In Europe, irresponsibility is the risk factor" - Esther Perel. She's an amazingly knowledgeable speaker! She shares so many facts and statistics and shares such interesting observations.

One of the best talks on marriage and monogamy. Marriage should be like a business contract. You should be able to renew the contract or not renew the contract every two years. Because, you will treat you partner if there was a chance that they didn't want to renew the contract.

Two very different speakers - Esther Perel is a gem and a class act, not to mention brilliant, sensitive and thought provoking. Agree or disagree with her perspective, she simply speaks with intelligence and grace, not vulgarity, and with the perfect amount of humor. Such respect for this woman

Both of these were great, but Esther was a revelation. I'd never heard her speak before, and I came away from this completely awed by her clarity and perception.Amazing talk, folks.

Wow. I came to listen to Dan Savage, and he was great, but Esther Perel was amazingly insightful as well.

Esther Perel is a brilliant and amazing human. Her perspectives and insights are relevant in a way that embraces the dilemmas of our evolving sexuality. She understands the beauty of love and its ideals and the continued striving to achieve it. I adore her and she inspires me to be a better version of myself. I am in love with her body of work. She is a woman I embrace as part of my tribe!!

Who needs a moderator with these two? So much honesty... We need more of this

I love both of these speakers! They both make very valid points and I have become a better communicator because of them! Thank you so much guys! 🤗😘😇🐙

Esther Perel: "the home is where we bring leftovers" that hit a nerve! So true. Countless times I saw my ex give her best to others - often complete strangers and when she got home we copped the "leftovers" comprising her tiredness, irritability, and disagreeableness.

I found it surprising that both Dan Savage & Esther Perel suggested shutting down Google for a day... yet this is how I came to this talk in the first place. I searched and found. Instead of trying to hide in the safe cocoon of the past, sexual educators should evolve and find ways to be relevant in the digital age. Dan Savage was very much on point. I agree with @Joshua Giddy. The fact that we are so taken by sexual words just serves to underscore the fact that we are still very traditional in our approach to sexual matters and relationships.

Dan's articles are great. He gives insightful advice. The things that I have found most useful from Dan is that, in a relationship between two people, you have to communicate what you want, you can't assume the other person wants the same things as you, or that you know what they want, or that the other person can read your mind about what you want. We all have to learn to communicate. It's when we don't talk and don't try to really listen and understand each other and find ways that can work for both partners, that's when we become unsatisfied. Also a good point is that some times what you both want might be very different, and if those difference are big enough and so important for the each of you, then maybe you won't work well together. He's also honest about sex and sexuality, our desire for others doesn't always go away when you are with someone or in love with someone. To have desire is to have a natural human reaction. But as an adult human, you can decide what you would like to do with that feeling. You don't have to act on it and you don't have to give yourself an unhealthy guilt trip which doesn't help the situation. He's also saying, we're human, we're imperfect, and sometimes we fuck up, and sometimes even when we fuck up people can still work things out between each other. Also people can cheat for lots of reasons, and when you can understand what the reason is, then maybe you can work it out, if you want to. I always think Dan is often saying, each to their own. What you want and what you can work out between two people, (or more if there are more involved) can be amazing. And we are all allowed to do that. There is no one rule book. Get to know yourself and get to know your partner. Esther is also great :)

I would love to hear more about how 'equality topples after having children' and what we can do to maintain equality of power in a marriage/long term relationship after the introduction of children.

I love how people are complaining about Dan Savage's "vulgarity." Yes he uses fuck and cock a couple times. The reason is to punch through to people. There are many people who disagree with him and who will largely ignore what he has to say. Both speakers are worth listening to.

Wow what blast . Brilliant all three of you 🎉

Incredibly thought provoking. Thank you.

This was a great discussion. Esther really is great at explaining female psychology as it pertains to sex.

The key word "alive" - I think that is the key here. People look for that in so many ways. I have admired both Dan Savage and Esther Perel for a long time. Excellent presentation.

Bravo! A frank and honest discourse about one of the most silenced, but most human activities- our own sexuality and how it interacts within societal super structures.

A very educational and sensitive talk! Thanks Google. :)

What a great talk Both were articulate with their thoughts

i enjoyed the interviewer more than other interviewers for dan. the sitting arrangement could have been better. so grateful for the post and info.

This woman is brilliant.

These comments tell a lot about the commenters and often less about the speakers. you can hear fear, outrage, judgment and limiting thoughts throughout. Very interesting. I love Esther. Her wisdom is exquisite.

This is amazing. Both Dan and Esther are so insightful.

I think conscious relationship models is the "new conversation" as Esther likes to say. I imagine it as an all-you-can-eat buffet - a little of this, a little of that. What each couple puts on their plate is different according to their needs/desires. Also it's the realization you can return for multiple servings and put a different combination of food on the plate as well as discarding the stuff you tried but didn't really like. Traditional marriage is like going to McDonald's, there's no menu, they hand you a bag and then close the restaurant. Half of us end up not being able to eat what's inside and then go hungry....

this is mind shifting! thought provoking. I love when she said that the mother vs the sexy woman shifts the hormones accordingly.. so true.

Esther insights are really good.

🙏🏻 Great insights from both!

I love Dan Savage. Brutal honesty should not be confused with vulgarity.

Esther is always entertaining and thought provoking.

The producers chose two people already in "violent agreement", where Esther represents the academic side, and Dan the real-world experience with the extremely important cultural impact. I have a hard time finding where they disagree. And yet so many are pointing out that Esther is "classy" and "a brilliant researcher", while Dan is "vulgar" and a "nobody". Instead of actually taking a dig at what he is saying, people are taking a dig at his lack of MDs, DPhils, Psy.Ds. I call it BS, and an ad-hominem attack. It's because what they are BOTH saying is controversial (don't choose monogamy by default, but consciously, if you do choose it), that people are comparing the speakers not on content, but on style. Vulgar Dan, has the temerity to utter the f-word, in front of poor Esther! People don't even actively agree with Esther - merely call her "classy" and "eloquent"! Seriously this glorification of a research degree, and utter willingness to dismiss a talker based on how he says something, and his background, rather than what he says, bothers me.

Interesting talk, thanks, if I can give an advice I m a girl and my mom gave me the kama sutra (all original book, not only the position part) to read when I was around ten, I must say I always thanked her for this in myself because it gave me already an idea of existence of different views of sex and relationships, still making me able to maintain my point of view and not finding it akward.

Thanks sooo much 🤗

Dear Haters. Just because someone swears does not mean they are unintelligent. If you can't look past that towards the meaning of what someones is actually saying it seems to be more reflective of a complex within yourself :) inb4 you're perfect and how could i dare imply that you have unresolved emotional/mental truama or repression

I love Ester's delivery!!!

25:22 I love this point! Very mind blowing 🤯 😌

the role -- I LOVE to reenact love scenes in provocative movies... I believe playing an interesting role IS A TURN ON!!

Great insight about modern life!

Very interesting conversation. One thing that I felt was an elephant in the room that they were both passing over was in saying that hetero couples could take a page from homosexual couples and be more open to non-monogamy. Its a very different conversation among the two groups because pregnancy is a non-issue for homosexual couples. Birth control and condoms don't always work and abortion goes against the values of some heterosexual couples, therefore it's a much more complex issue.

They do agree on some fundamentals, but I think they diverge when it comes to monogamy. Dan made it clear right away that he does not believe in monogamy, that monogamy has failed us. He didn’t specify, but it sounds like he differentiates between romantic monogamy and sexual monogamy. In that area, from everything I have read and heard from Esther Perel, she disagrees to some extent. She tries to help couples quell those curiosities and to revamp their desires within their monogamous relationships.

I love this woman!

The only thing I'm surprised about - is how are they not discussing Attachment Theory and Trauma/ Addiction. Considering the contemporary amount of both in western life - they are equally wrapped up in desire. If you need something to " feel alive" be it sex, a drug, a purchase, a new car - the issue goes way beyond needing to " feel alive". Most people probably cross that line because it seems " safer" than shooting heroin but it's no different to the human brain. It surprises me that neither delve into the treasure trove of current research on addiction, desire, and cheating. After all, why not at least tell your partner " I'm not feeling alive" versus causing such harm?

Dan Savage is the most eloquent speaker and thinker on this subject. Excellent Video!!

Very insightful and thought provoking. It was pleasure to listen to them.

Love these two! Great inquisitive minds

she is....Brilliant and spot on..

The real trouble is so many are all about themselves while loathing themselves and this is projected from stagnated individuals. Rebuke, be compassionate, honest, and accountable. Without taking the position of a victim there's no assailant.

I disagree with the 'bringing home leftovers' comment. To my experience, it's more about not having to wear the masks society demands of us, when we're at home with our partner. I also disagree with the 'dressing up' part. Sure it's nice to dress-up once in a while and go out on a date, but I find my partner much more attractive in pj's and fuzzy slippers than I do in sparkly evening wear lol. Another thing I want to comment on would be the different 'faces' that we all have and the people we show them to. I am aware that my partner acts differently around different people and gets some emotional fulfillment this way. I enjoy watching these interactions when I can, because it's another aspect of my partner's personality to explore and one of the reasons I fell in love with them. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you aren't happy with your partner when they're in home-body mode and ideally, by the time you've entered into a relationship that involves any level of commitment, you will have already seen most of your partners different faces and be comfortable with them. All in all, it was a great presentation and I do think that monogamy is unrealistic for most people, so don't make that promise if you can't keep it. Talk honestly about sex and infidelity with your potential partner before starting a 'serious' relationship. Understand what each of you need and expect and decide then whether to keep going. Even if you've been in a relationship for a while and then start to feel the need for some change, discuss it with your partner and work something out, or leave. Don't start cheating. One of the worst the worst things you can do in life is live a lie.

I love this.

Love to listening to Esther, so graceful and great in explaining female mind, psychology. Could listen to her for hours.

Love the expression of the Google Bot's face at the 45:00 mark when the speakers ask Google to shut down for an instant. Her face says, "This is not on brand - what do I do?!"

I might add that the focus on Sex has a big part to do with the desire. Sex is a constant influence in our life and not easy to resist. Where the focus is on sports, business or other interests women seem more frequently able to lose desire for sexual contentment in exchange for activities and events that may not include a spouse. To the degree that appreciation for sex is no longer a common interest in the marriage.

This was great, I love both Esther and Dan plus the host was quite lovely.

59:21 Perel: If for you, you say, "I like one person," ...because passion is generally monogamous. Passion doesn't share well. When you're passionate, you love singled-minded; you're very focused on one person. When you've had lots of insecurity in your life and massive trauma in your life, sometimes it makes you want to just have somebody that is there for you, that is reliable, stable, secure, and you do not want to have to deal with the unknown of multiples. The goal is not for you to try to see, " How can I be non-monogamous?" If your sensibility is one that is more single, stay like this if you like it if it works for you. If one day you change, then go accordingly to that. Don't align yourself with ideology.

I appreciate the candor and frankness from Esther and Dan. Thank you! Dan, can/would you share the sex-ed talk outline that you used with your son, please?

Dan savage is the only person who can talk about cheating without making me feel super anxious haha

Thank you for everyone’s advise and knowledge.Dan can you slow your speech down it’s difficult to understand when your speaking so fast.Thank you.

Savage talks about love & commitment, but not about intimacy. I don't believe you can have an "open relationship" and still be intimate - intimacy is with one person only. I love listening to Esther Perel. She is so observant and everything she says is wrong with this country is so true!

Dan savage is wearing white socks hahahaha great talk!!

I really like esther's sensible and physchology explanations... she seems to put pieces together to create a big picture of where we are at today and how we have evolved.. I wonder if she is an INFJ... I also do appreciate Dan's take and perspective.. I may not agree 100% on everything he says.. I do however feel he is a well spoken on this matter and has a interesting perspective and can understand where he is coming from and find plenty to learn from him as well.

Esther ❤️ Dan too both wow 🤩

Esther Perel predicts the 2020/21 pandemic @44:48 😱 This Lady is wise Beyond belief! @estherperel

I think this video changed my life.

Why this presumption toward longer relationships? Maybe the most common response to a changing society will be shorter relationships? Aren't they both defensively presuming that what should survive is marriage-like relationships even if monogamy must be sacrificed for that goal?? Isn't the reality that more and shorter relationships will better meet people's needs?

But why audio is so low :P?

i wish i could have seen this in 2004, maybe then i wouldnt have been so hung up on the idea of a monogamy and the one i couldve woked out the wonderful relationship i had in my 20s with the person i loved the most in my life

Give a women her car and show her true nature! Love Esther!!

A very informative talk. Monogamy does not work for everyone. Plain and simple!

What a fantastic talk!

Savage promotes open, consensual relationships where the "fling" is just that- a fling. He & his husband have worked it out & recognized what they require to keep their own partnership happy. He uses very well-known statistics which bear this out. Perel, is the relationship-as-most-know-it voice which is fine if it works. I find Savage's arguments to be valid & based on undeniable fact, not bias. I think that a lot of folks only want to see their definition of what a good relationship looks like-- and nothing BUT theirs. They, themselves, have linked "love = sex" & can't understand sex without a full-on love commitment. Well, if it isn't for you, then by all means, don't partake. But don't resent the rest of the world who believe & think differently.

As a straight heterosexual older single male, this was a very wonderful discussion, I totally agree with…thank you!

I am sure this must have been covered but is there a reason why this host and his guests have to wear huge headsets and microphone stalks as if they have just jumped out of helicopter. It does not seem to result in good sound quality in the guest and potentially distracts . Anything wrong with a discreet top quality lapel mic? Oh and by the way, not complaining keep up with the great show and guests. Respect

She says what is on my mind. Love her

This is the first time i've heard the concept of predatory fear discussed so well, and it's clarified so much for me about my interactions with women, and what I've observed but didn't understand about them in the past.

Logan"s hair is beautiful.

Therefore? And did Esther have less to share or address in the last half hour or more? Hmmm….. Overall, excellent presentation! I plan to watch it again…..

What I wonder is why is it that we need marriage? Let me clarify what I mean. What is it that we specifically need to keep about marriage? If you think about that for a little while, what is marriage really. It is a celebrational ceremony tradition to a varied degree, it is a public and formal declaration of would-be commitment, it is the presumption that the two now married people will have family usually. But what do we need marriage for? For one a celebrational tradition is really an excuse to throw a lavish party with your loved ones, family, friends and relatives. What makes it different from a birthday party other than the theme, connotation and emotional attachment? Nothing. I mean it certainly does nothing for the relationship so it is clearly not about that. It is fun and who doesn't love a party, but why then and not a week later? What is stopping you? What about the formality? Will a formal piece of paper change your relationship? In some countries you get tax benefits which is preferable treatment and that may be compelling, but I doubt that is why people marry per say. And even more than that though this formality or these preferable treatment policies do nothing to maintain the relationship. Commitment? Well wouldn't you already say that you were pretty committed to your partner and your relationship a day before the marriage ceremony. Certainly marriage is a formality of what your relationship already is. It won't make it better, it won't make it worse, everything coming with or without was always already there; maybe just not actively present. But whatever wonderful and terrible things you discover in your partner was always already there, marriage didn't do that, our lives circumstances did. So what do you need marriage for?

I find so much value in this content. The premise that we are setting people up for failure in how we educate people on monogamist relationships.

Fascinating!!

This is truly exceptional. I discovered similar material, and it was awe-inspiring. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

I wonder if influencers realize how voicing personal political views can completely turn someone off. Or even care. Apparently I’m not mature enough to look past the fact that even tho someone is indoctrinated with main stream misinformation politically that they can still be conveying useful , intelligent knowledge in their field of expertise. I have learned that if 1 buys into an illusion in one area & spreads that like the gospel then they gravitate to the bubble & never go down the rabbit hole which is where the real truth in politicians & their motives lies. Sux for me . I enjoyed some of Dans views. He won’t miss 1 student. Learning allot from Esther still Good luck to US all on our adventures.

They make some good points, like a decreasingly degenerative society over the last few decades/century, like serial-monogamy Western world, and a decline in everything that once had meaning while being substituted for anything that provides pleasure, which paves the way for more negative trends in the future--and if you cant beat em, join em they suggest. Also, like any other commentator, they simply define how they think the world accommodate this trend, but not in any objective way, but rather via their own worldview (if I cheat, or know lots of people that do, then everyone else should), oftentimes resorting to using hyper-liberal/degraded Europe as the role-model, simply citing stats to support their viewpoints. Doesn't hurt that shes an eloquent, deep-thinking, likable, wealthy, Torrey criticizing America. Where are the videos from couples that have been married 80 years that show couples can last happily for lifetimes without all the modern garbage? The worst part is that by making a comment, I am causing this video to appear higher/more often in youtube search results--so thereby, controversial ideas, which are generally either very lib or conserv, are going to get more exposure; but esp so on the lib or "trendy" side. This way we can guarantee that even youtube will always push the envelope, as any PR, is good PR. I could create a completely opposite viewpoint to their video myself. Give me the most votes on this and I will create it myself (maybe just audio?). Was also disappointing to see yet another repeated bashing of opposing viewpoints. Anyone surprised that america is heading towards Civil War #2? Pew and newspapers agree. www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/06/12/7-things-to-know-about-polarization-in-america/ www.nytimes.com/2018/10/02/opinion/the-american-civil-war-part-ii.html

I loved the mention of people getting into monogamous marriages and divorcing several times, but judging others who stay in one marriage that happens to be non-monogamous. They're committed to monogamy rather than to their partners.

I agree totally that you shouldn't be stuck with the same person for your entire life if that isn't your thing, but I'm still a bit afraid or, up in the air if you will, about one thing, what about the children. Should you just flirt and swap around life partners while they are growing up ? What if a coulple has children and they don't restrain eachother and she's like having a guy for hobby , there's always this risk that this becomes unstable, because the guy is like a plusparent but he hasn't got children maybe, or maybe he does and then there's an assembled family of kids that aren't really brothers and sisters but halfbrothers/sisters. You know from statistics how it goes that more stepfathers / mothers are prone to abuse against children that aren't their own but have to be confronted with these kids, this sometimes causes resentment. If people conduct "fluid marriages" like that and both adopt this lifestile of swapping lifepartners, and there's children involved, they better damn make sure to find a new spouse that's up to the standards of the former, and they can add to the stability. My personal prefference would be not to do that while the kids are growing up. But maybe I'm a bit too afraid.

Divorce rates are so high I am avoiding marriage and in many cases relationships. Only ones I'll hold up are of family and friends at this rate.

I agree about .64 concept, but I value monogamy. I want that in my life, but not just for monogamy's sake. I value my partner and only want that person sexually, and only trust her sexually, and I don't think I'd feel excited or fulfilled by someone else if I were to go there.

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ughh this is fantastic

Dan Savage is cool....Great talk by the two...

rough draft of points id like to make/have people touch on...what yall think of the following?: -Cheating: it seems that one person in the relationship often likes the idea of polyamory for themselves, but does not want their partner to be with anyone else, so instead of an agreement on a polyamorous relationship and open communication, trust is broken and cheating occurs -With all of the things filling up our schedules, it seems hard enough to have a strong relationship with just one partner - to make time emotionally and physically for them. How is it possible to balance 2+ partners and still have your “base” partner solidified? -How do you keep track of diseases and infections -What happens if the person who is not your base partner gets pregnant? (obviously this is for a straight or bi couple)

Dan 20 minutes in is brilliant - redefining marriage and writing our own rules

I am a little bit confused about something, women in heterosexual realationship tend to cheat as often as guys. Yet lesbian relationships are the most monogamist ones. How is that ?

Those you can just have open relationships or closed ones based on what is satisfying and healthy for the couple.

They deserved a better interviewer. Still great information.

Wow, so good, interesting and enlightning! (y)

Esther Perel looks like a Mature Barbie so sweet persona!!

Dan you have a good message, but some of the word choice limits what many will hear. Public forms of communication and speech should be considerate to all potential populations. It’s kinda like you lost me at the first hello, if you know what I mean. Just a suggestion so all of your audience might benefit from your message.

Slowly but surely martiage is returning to be a life preserving institution. The cost of living makes it impossible for single incomers to thrive..... the sams thing we use to dare challenfe the sacred insitution of marriage is backfiring strongly to our faces making us realized that there is something sacred about it.

Is it me or is the volume recorded on low? I have my settings at max and it's still super low volume and I can't hear. help...

Really don't know why everyone is bashing Dan on here.