Does a narcissist know that they are the problem? 

He told me the other day, I’m a good person. I said, maybe you want to be, but you lying, manipulating, gaslighting and cheating on me told me a different story

Deep down they know they’re not a good person. That’s why they need to do all this toxic shit - to literally hide from themselves.

My narc ex gf literally told me the last time we spoke after I caught her cheating and broke up with her that “the bottom line is that you’re just so insecure that someone like me would choose someone like you, you’re all twisted up about it in your head, and I hope you realize what you lost and how badly you fuxked up.” I literally laughed out loud. That was the perfect example of her narcissistic projection.

My goodness. I thought that the victims were mentally exhausted by dealing with Narcs. But the mental gymnastics they go through themselves are just insane.

It's not if they know if they are the problem. The real question is do they believe they are the problem

They know something is off even in unaware narcissists. They know they have difficulty fitting in with those in the world. Why else would they put so much energy in denying and projecting their issues. They know because they usually don't abuse in public- they can control themselves. Also they feel shame and cover things up.

At the end if the day a Narcissist has a choice to be kind or cruel. Even if they are self-aware. Actions speak louder than words. My Ex would promise me this or that, and when I asked him for something he'd be hypocritical and backtrack his promise. He knew very well what he was doing, but wouldn't care if WE thought he was the problem. In his eyes it was me. 🍒

Most of them with the exception of the ones seriously delusional that are treatment resistant absolutely know there is something very wrong with them and they absolutely are aware of how Terrible they treat you . If anyone is abusive leave it doesn’t matter if they have NPD or not leave !

Guilt and shame, They do not feel these emotions. It works for them to lie, abuse and control. They know it and get away with it all day every day. Quote from two I encountered; if it aint broke, dont fix it! They see success in their dirty games and for them it works its their victims that suffer and thats ok by their set of standards; as long as im ok alls good.

I'm wondering how many people that were in toxic relationships, got over things while they were planning their escape? And didn't look back... I knew things were over 2 years ago, and checked out and started planning... gray rocking for 2 years was hard, but getting clarity was even better getting out of the fog... I saved money and left... dear John letters are the best and safest way to go.

They definitely know they have a problem. You cannot tell me that a person that spends their life running thru and walking away from people, do not know something is wrong. Self-aware Narc, Lee Hammock, said he definitely knew something was off with himself. He said he always felt he was different from everybody else. Narcs know! They just don't know what the cause of their indifference is and exactly WHAT is indifferent about them.

My ex definitely knew he was the problem most times. When it came to entitlement he seemed to think others were the problem. When he played victim it was like the world was agst him, but when he cheated, stole, and hit me he definitely knew he was the problem but he would either flip out hysterically crying, acting theatrical to gain sympathy and forgiveness, or just avoid the person because of the shame.

My ex narcissist actually said repeatedly that his version of reality was the "real" version of reality and mine was not. Big red flags!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I realized at that moment that there is absolutely no repairing the relationship.

This video is f-ing gold, Ben!!! 🙌🏼 What I don’t get is that her admitting her faults could have 1) Helped her heal and 2) Saved our relationship. But she refused. And what was so confusing is that she would be vulnerable when it came to other things and about ways that she screwed up in the past in her life, but never about what she did to me.

Another aspect that is not talked about, enough, is narcissists and spending money. I was constantly held accountable for having and presenting a budget, but he would never look at it. He would cause us to be overdrawn, and he would take the checkbook from me because I told him we didn’t have money to spend and then he wouldn’t pay a bill for three months at a time so that he could have spending money. Then I would have to play catch-up and pay late fees and then he would do it all over again and not pay bills for three months and then give it back to me. I only let that happen twice. I told him never again. But he would still lie to me about spending money, or give access to our account to his narcissistic father, who’d make withdrawals. To this day he has no idea how to pay bills on time. We’ve been married 34 years and I finally learned how to set a boundary four years ago. He has had no choice but to respect my boundary of separation, although we’re still married, we do not sleep together; it’s just a room-mate situation where I isolate as much as possible. I gave him separation papers, but he hasn’t fulfilled them. Yes, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive and even physically abusive. I haven’t pushed for divorce because I don’t want him to ruin me financially. But the financial aspect isn’t mentioned enough. I am very thankful for videos like this.

The narcissist, I was with, new he was mean and hatful, rude. But he didn't care. He even would tell you, he didn't care

Happy to hear that they know they are the problem .

But sometimes when you catch them out, they laugh or smirk, which surely doesn't fit with shame or guilt?

In my own growing awareness of nonsensical behaviors of my covert, I asked numerous therapists is it "can't" or "won't". I knew the answer would take me in one of two directions toward a decision......do I stay or do I leave. I never got that answer. Only after self-help did I realize it's always been "won't".

Jeez, sounds exhausting. It's much easier to turn up and and just face the reality. I get why you can't, but maybe the healing is in feeling that initial mortification of feeling worthless

The only good thing about being a narcissist it seems, is that they save themselves money on Halloween. No need for them to purchase a mask since they're already wearing one!

The soon to be ex narc in my life has been doing exactly what you said at the end of your vid. Acting erratic bc he can't justify what he has done in his own head. I know there is someone else. He knows I know. The lies are increasing and just getting sillier. He got fired from his career of 20 years. Def. Spiraling. ..he's lost all control and I can't help but believe it is his karma.

They justfiy it!! 100%! God, I experienced that sooooo much! Justification to shitty things they do to you is maddening! These are NOT good people, and they are delusional to all hell. Thanks for the video, Ben.

My ex told me he’s not not a bad person and that he will never stoop so low when I’m fact he cheated on me with a married woman and displayed the ENTIRE PATHOLOGY of a narcissist the whole time we were together not to mention he’s 16 years older than me I’m 33 and he’s 49

When my ex and I broke contact again after trying to get back together I think he actually told me that he knows that there is something wrong with him. He explained how he idealized me and thinking he couldn't actually love. He admitted to isolating and manipulating me. At the same time he tried to blame me for it which I mean was expected but I was done with that at that point.

Honestly , these videos from Ben Taylor are so authentic !! Thank you

Once I told the ex narc that he had a problem and he said yes y asked what he was doing about it and he said nothing as it doesn’t really affects him (the cheating, porno, looking for prostitution, manipulation). I imagine that as long as he can afford to pay for that he doesn’t see it as an issue, not even that it were his sons that found out his doble life.😢

My ex narc has narc traits and BPD. She would acknowledge many times that she knows she treats me badly, she knows she neglects me, ignores me, hurts me, etc. She is perfectly aware of her bad behavior but she didn’t do anything to change it.

I think they sort of know that they are the problem, but they do a circular argument where they start examining their behavior, but then they do this weird thing where they flip a switch and blame YOU for their behavior. It is a very weird loop that they go through. So i think they know that what they are doing is wrong, but they justify it to themselves - like, it is not them, it is everybody else that is wrong. Very, very strange and confusing behavior on their part.

My Nex only listened in conversations when I talked about two things: 1. What I noticed about her behavior (thinking she was completely unaware of it [damn]) 2. What I learned about my own Self (in separate conversations). She would take lessons I learned about my Self and would apply them to her own "suffering". When I would get tired (exhausted) from the mind games, she would tell me she was "trying to get better", parroting the things I've learned about my Self, and pretending to apply to her own life, just to keep me around. This cycle was going round and around for almost two years. She would ask me why I don't leave her, just to hear me validate her fxcking broken xss self-image. This was a MESS. SO GLAD SHE'S AN EX. I hate this for [ anyone ].

Here to say that I have MANY problems. But that's because I'm human being 😊 inherently flawed. Isn't it great? When we can recognize that none of us are perfect (include ourselves), there is a beautiful sense of freedom that can never be found in any other truth ❤❤ I'm proud of you (and the other self-aware narcissists). Your pathology is largely out of your control (like everone's--which is why we are all inherently flawed to begin with 😊). Your choices and real-world decisions ARE within your control. Nobody is asking anyone to be perfect, only to acknowledge each of our own flaws and recognize how that affects others, and ultimately how it affects us as a member of a community WITH others. Proud of you, Ben. Thanks for all of your insight and self-awareness. ❤❤

It's been over 5 months... And yet, for some reason, I still can't bring myself to block him... My soul is raped. I want to die. I'm desperate for RADICAL CHANGE. 5 months ago, I came out of an abusive friendship/"situationship"... When he'd get mad/upset/hurt/whatever: he'd give me the silent treatment. REMINDER TO SELF: Reasons for narcissistic silent treatment: * Stonewalling * Gaslighting * Emotional immaturity * Lack of interpersonal skill * Victimhood * Dysregulation * Doing to me, what was done to him * Terrified of conflict * Not knowing any other way * Fear/panic/anxiety/terror * Desperation * Power over * Regaining a (false) sense of control * Punishment He raped my soul: brutally viciously violently maliciously. Every night: nightmares. Every day: panic attacks. I want to die. Every morning I wake up in despair, desperately praying to die. I can no longer bear the pain. He's given me severe PTSD. Severe! Severe! Severe! How and when will I ever heal? God, as I walk through this hell and heartache and grief, I pray you guide and direct and hold me... I won't be stuck in hell anymore. Enough is enough!!! It's time to be free: in Jesus's name! I’m giving my life to Jesus! 100%!

Using the word demonstrating when he is lying about his actions has worked some what for me.

This video is SOOOOO helpful in helping me understand the compartmentalizing concept. I really never knew it was a real thing, just thought my husband was the only one who did all this crazy sh*t. He was just closing himself the entire time & I had no idea. He was good at pretending the reality wasn’t real but told me he would shut me out mentally in order to cheat & he’s cheated A TON

Wow man you are describing exactly how my narc-ex covert she his and what she as done. She even told me one day i was the one that needed therapy but her knows herself and she doesn't need therapy. She often blame for things she as done by justify why she done it.

This sounds like a very vicious cycle in a crazy persons mind. When he got caught paying for sex with prostitutes. He said to me he felt f’d up. With in minutes said I did so many “things” for you and he ran right to one of the prostitutes. He started living with her in hotels, where she does her sex work. He sent me a text saying he could not face the consequences of his actions and he couldn’t stay because I said I would never stay with a cheater. He even called himself a liar, cheater, deceiver and I should not have to be looking over my shoulder. Yet, he left me stranded at work and took the only vehicle we have. (That belongs to the both of us). I have not seen him since September of 2023. Since, then I have found out so many disgusting, disturbing things about him and his “under cover” life. This is a very sick man. I could go on for days about his, nasty, disgusting actions he does behind the scenes, but it literally makes me want to vomit! The sad part about all this he has a awful best friend, that I later found out is his down low lover that helps him facilitate his cheating. His Stepmom is one of his flying monkeys. He is truly a sad pathetic person. I believe he is possessed by demons!

So do they feel guilt and shame? How come they feel guilt and shame emotions but not empathy.

They dam well know

Sir you have changed my life today …… thank you

He said "yeah I know I'm making a mistake but that's not a big deal, it's not that serious". I don't know if I'm going to laugh or cry, He dont even see the destroying effects of his actions specially to my son. I asked him to sign the paper but He furiously say NO.

So much of what I went through makes sense now. Thanks Ben.

Thank you this really helped me understand the situation and it was exactly what I'm going through. I'm very appreciative of the work your doing for us..much love♡

Thank you so much.. everything what you just said here, looks like my Ex was literally doing it..

WOW real! Thank you for sharing

What if one's intentional wrongdoings are made by using a third party, other people, through which it is done? Where is absolutely no chance of being exposed? Does it percieved as wrong or just another strategic move to control/destroy/smear and feel powerful and keen? And the second question is - being a narcissist, what drives you to make such videos, what made you turn 180° and expose most common tactics to help people to notice and cope them effectively?

Excellent insights! Guilt and shame as common denominator by people hidden behind their masks.

My brothers are narcs. Once I understood this and didn't let them take advantage of me, they treat me with a little more respect. I stopped arguing with them and just showed them through my behavior. They backed down. Also, I notice that narcs often develop dementia later in life. I think the brain can not handle all the lies and inconsistencies over decades. So it eventually stops functioning properly. Very sad.

Thank you for all you do

My ex knows he self sabotaged the relationship he says hes fed up of the cycle but think hes can break it without any help (therapy) hes pretty stubborn. I hope he does get the help he needs and finally breaks the cycle and finds peace. But now im concentrating on my healing and my journey to find my peace

Yes , that is exactly what I have observed over the years .

This was so helpful. Thank you!

Excellent video, Ben. Thank you.

Thank you 🌸

Thank you for telling us your real life experiences. This helps a ton.

Thanks. That helped.

Great video! Thank you

thank you for sharing this valuable information

Oh he can help it because he’s a malignant Machiavellian. His goal was to keep all our money while pushing me into crazy. “See? She’s crazy and I’m a saint” Whenever I would ask for counseling I heard crickets; he’s not the problem. So I went to therapy and was relieved to find out that I was married to a psychopath. Lol. “I did this because you…” The fact that he used sex workers because he’s too fat to make love. My fault. He’s never wrong and I think the last time he was ashamed was probably when he was 3. He hated the women he grew up with so he married me to play games with.

Do they reminisce and cry? Uncle does that. Probably only when drunk. He’s in his 80’s and on his way out. My narcy brothers took him sailing on an ice cold lake. Oh, did I mention the millions inheritance?

They dont know. In their minds its you, not them. 😮

Wow!!!!!

10:01: That

Wow

Ben, in every intro to your videos, I can never understand the word after "self". Is it self-born? self-warmed? self-dorned? hmmm.... Dunno... But your videos are so spot-on! Your message always moves me to tears. You really know what I went through.

Without listening I know they know, no way you have mental issues and unaware. Depression cannot be ignored,

I’m sure she has doubts but appeals to her new supply for more lies. Once I finally knew for a fact I called her on everything and told her she can do her routine but I know the whole person not just the nice part. That nice part doesn’t erase her from accountability WITH ME. Sadly it does work with many others so why should she change? I can’t be with someone who refuses to come clean though. Mistakes can be forgiven but love stops for me when I’m asked to deny reality. The lack of accountability acceptance and apology is not tolerable. I’d prefer to suffer alone than endure that anymore. It’s childish nonsense. What’s infuriating is who does she think she is to treat me like that? My tolerance and patience was off the charts and sadly she saw that as weakness. One thing I ve noticed is how sad she seems. I don’t believe her smile anymore. There’s no light behind it. There used to be. That’s what’s broken my heart. She’s gotten worse. I wish I’d given up sooner. For years I was part of that false reality and it burned me. Worst decision of my life that’s had some bad ones. Of course now someone else plays that part. Beauty makes believers out of fools. I guess the fool had to be beaten out of me. I wish I could have learned this from a parable rather than years of pain and loss.

But why? Why would you do something that only exacerbates your guilt and shame? It makes no sense.

What's that first word you said?

@ben, what do you mean ? Babies learn object permanence at 6 months old. What do you mean that a narc thinks that other person/relationship/affair doesn’t exist. How can it truly be out of sight out of mind ?

Doesn't anyone that cheats justify and hide it? Wouldn't anyone feel guilty and think they are kinda shitty for doing it? Sounds like normal cheating behavior lol

Narcstsra know they are the problm ,they do everything intentionally to gain something from victim ,

The narcissist may or may not know that they are the problem. Either way, they don't care, so why do you?

pitiful!!!