*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
“An empath without boundaries is likely to have trouble differentiating self from the external world” 🤯 so so true! So important for empaths to learn how to set boundaries with people
I would love to figure out a way to NOT be so empathetic. It's draining and I always get used. I know I need to enforce my boundaries. It's hard though......
Empaths are empathic at home with partner and kids and outside the house too. The difference is that covert narcs show their malignant dark side at home with the partner especially, while being very nice outside with random people or some close friends.
That’s my experience too. I’m an empath recovering from co-dependency. My partner was a highly sensitive covert narcissist. When he was outside the house he was the sweetest bleeding heart for everyone. People thought he was a saint. But, soon as he walked in the house...he was dark, cold, hard hearted, angry, mean, abusive. I’ve always been almost the opposite: be a good person to all, but with loved ones, at home, give your very best for their sake. I gave him (and my family) my best, joyful, positive, selfless loving self...he saved his worse especially for me. And everyone still thinks he’s a saint.
@@Snowystardust12 I' m in a similar situation. But my ex narc's real face was revealed because of his gambling addiction which exploded and caused too much damage to friends as well.
@@alexandra2536 I can’t imagine how affirming, maybe even vindicating, it feels to have the rest of the world see a little bit of his dark side which only you had seen and suffered. Peace to you.
I have vulnerable narcissistic traits and my ex wife is diagnosed with cptsd with emotion regulation disorder, mostly it was no fun at home but the sex was good lol! I feel sorry for the kids though and I'm a work in progress.
I was super empathetic before but after Narcissitic abuse from a covert, I feel no empathy or sympathy towards people Is it possible that I also turned into a narcissist?
the covert sees sensitivity as caring, that's a really good point to remember. In fact it is just their hurt, always about them, never an attempt at equally caring for another's feelings
Wow! You just explained why my sister and I had extremely different outcomes in our adult lives even after suffering the same childhood abuse. I have made it my mission in life to protect children from abuse. She could never understand why I chose such a low paying career.
It's really fascinating how differently two personalities can develop in the same environment. And thank you for your part in helping children in need. It's such important work ❤🙏
Same here, but had 2 half sisters, both traumatised and unwilling to look within. Both our Father and their Mother (His former wife), were Narcissistic. I consider myself lucky that my Mother was a clairvoyant, empathic, brilliant woman. That was my fortune and what drove me in a different direction. Thankfully, I wanted to be just like her, not any of my 8 siblings.
Because even though we grew up in the same toxic environment we decided to turn from those evil ways and teachings that were past down to us ...so we got a different outcome in life...were not perfect but we live more at peace and content then the golden child at times... and believe it or not they will still envy us even though they have more that us.
An empath would never revenge in the covert narc style. The empath is sincere and direct while the narc is mischevious, sneaky and feels entitled to hurt.
Yes, the empath will likely have highly developed compassion and respect for others, and also high moral ideals like truthfulness, self-responsibility, forgiveness, generosity, selflessness. They are likely to speak openly and directly about their own mistakes and look forward to atoning and creating goodness from their mistake. This clears their conscience. A narcissist will try to avoid culpability. Conscience is an moral persons best friend...it guides them toward liberating atonement when they errr. Conscience is a narcissist’s enemy.
@@Snowystardust12 Exactly ! Well said ... especially the last sentence. It even seems like the narcissists' struggle in life is to put down the voice of their conscience as well as other people's conscience.
@@aboetarikske Perhaps you took on her traits as a defense mechanism. Empaths can fall down the path if they don't exit the dark places they are in. They are very sensitive
@@amerokeewiya1320 the empaths do wrong things like trusting the narc again and giving him many chances. But they don't hurt other people in the special mean narc style that implies taking joy and excitement from hurting others consistently and on purpose.
My view has been that empaths are highly sensitive and intuitive and their point of view is ‘what is best for the other person, or for the whole?” They perceive as of in the other persons shoes, for the other persons own sake. The well being of others matters the same or more than your own, and your sensitive perceptions make you highly successful at caring for others for their own sake. The narcissist is also highly sensitive and intuitive, but with the pint of view, of “what’s in it for me?” Personal benefit is their mode of perceiving. Most of the narcs in my life are do-gooders, they excel at doing good deeds that garner them praise and a spotless reputation. But in private they are dark and abusive. Conscience is an empaths best friend. They actively seek it because it leads you to admit and atone for your errors and leads you to change and grow. An empath knows the blissful liberation of a humbled clear conscience after atonement, and forgiveness. The narcissist runs away from conscience. One of my many errors as an empath was not realizing that my well being matters too, that love needs healthy boundaries. I’m learning that now.
Ok wow this helps a lot, i was terrified i may be a narc but i am always worrying about what my girlfriend is feeling more than myself. Like i want to make sure she is enjoying something more than me at times but i think i can be self serving at times too. I am so confused. But it is ok to be making sure i am ok at times also? I am not being bad for doing this? I definitely do not want to hurt anyone i know that and i have been punishing myself for past things believing i don't deserve to be happy. I am confused also that i seem to only feel the feelings of someone i am in love with and them with me. I am in love with someone just now who just found out she is also empathic. I feel incomplete without her, and she is the same feeling with me so we think maybe we are soul mates maybe. I am a little worried though she is caught up in the excitement of learning that she is empathic and i worry she is not realising she can be hurt by this and i am scared i hurt her some how. Do you know what all this means about us what we are exactly?
As an empathic person, I can tell you that my sensitivity towards everything comes from my mothers caring nature towards me at a time where my father was abusive. My mother and my sister saved me by showing me love and compassion
Then your a kind, good, wus of a man. None of that is a put down. It is what it is. Forgive pops. Become like him, only in the good ways. My dad was like Hitler. Bit Hitler loved dogs, was a vegetarian, and very clean and fashionable and quite passionate with big goals and lots of follow thru. 🤯 Omg 😳. Am I Hitler? He’s a guy… and I’m a guy… omg !!! I’m Hitler. J/k. But this how we feel when he heal and act like the good parts of our abuser. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Remove the wis from yourself by working on : Strength, Courage, Mastery, and Honor. Ancient manly virtues. Jack Donovan has books. Very triggering and deeply cleansing. Absolutely grounding for men who want to be more then good men, but actually be good at being a man. Best wishes sir. Glad you got that cherishable mom n sis love. I got suffering from my mom & my dad. High quality murderous stuff. ISO IPSO. Latin;-) Look it up. Man-
I think most empaths get put on the path to co-dependence as kids because of the blurred boundaries of their care givers. If you are raised by someone who actually needs you to be the garbage disposal, what are you gonna do? It's not like as a kid you can say no, this isn't my junk to deal with.
Yes, a child may even learn that the most loving deed is to take in others’ garbage so they feel better. I got really good at it and my family loooved me while I did it. When it finally destroyed me, left me sick and disabled ,they all suddenly didn’t love me anymore, and shockingly...they kept pressuring me to help solve their problems and manage their emotions...even as I lay in bed disabled! Illness forced me to wake up to codependency.
@@cynthiajohnson9412 their children became their "therapists", but are too proud to go to a professional therapist as they deem it as weaknesses. When in fact sorting your unresolved traumas is by far the most bravest thing you can do for your entire lineage.
@@NetiNeti-gm5bz "When in fact sorting your unresolved traumas is by far the most bravest thing you can do for your entire lineage." So true, and not just for your lineage, everyone on the planet. All that unresolved toxic energy is so contagious and so damaging.
Thank you for this video. I am an empath with codependency traits. I'm in recovery for a few years now and my codenpendency is reduced by 90% I think. Unfortunatly I suffer from complex trauma from my malignant narcissistic mother. I tend to attract 'highly sensitive people' which, after a while, turned out to be covert narcissist. They also had a narc mother. I now know where to look for! 🙏
I can relate. Six weeks ago I realized my own adult daughter was a covert narc. It opens my eyes to everything that was inform of me for decades and I couldn't or chose not to see. I realized I was sitting in a Hornets nest with pretty much everyone in my life being narcissistic. I am an HSP and Empath with codependency traits ( my husband a gentlemen covert narc that used out daughter as his scape goat. I am now on the path to learn to never fall into a Narc trap again but they are indeed all around me, Family ( adopted ). all my me me me friends with their poor me stories that were never available for me even in the most critical moments of my life. The sad part is to realize that HSP'S and empaths are too often viewed with a critical mistrusting eye because we are also different from the general population and people don't tend to trust our authenticity. I hope you are doing better today ❤️
This was excellent, Ive reached the age where I finally understand that my childhood trauma developed into Love Addiction/Co-dendency/Empath tendencies and I fell for a Covert Narcissist. (He will say he is Avoidant only). I finally realized 10 years later that I could not change the person or situation and now live in freedom. I have to take it one minute at a time not taking the responsibilities of others. Your channel has helped the healing.
Listen to what she says at 5:45 I bust out laughing at just how true this is for the covert!!! They think they have empathy but it’s really empathy for themselves that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard thank you for that
Their empathy their caring is always in relation to as and when they want to which isn't real. They'll never take time out to just listen to you, it's like they aren't really there. It's hard to watch as you know how vulnerable they truly are. I never understood before why showing vulnerability was a sign of strength but now I do! It's being yourself and asking for nurturing and help and support, they think it's a weakness
Actually. I do think that empathy can get burned out over time. For example, when an empath or codependent ends up in a relationship with a covert narcissist, especially for a long time, they can live through so much abuse and manipulation that it kills off their feelings. And all the gaslighting and confusion makes them start to distrust their own feelings and judgement, so they learn how to turn down “feeling” in general. I grew up super sensitive, and as an adult I found myself constantly throwing myself under the bus to try to make other people happy or give them their way even if it was hurting or inconveniencing me. I got in a relationship with someone I thought was sweet and intelligent and wonderful, but after dating for a year and a half we got married, and the mask came off. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without my narc, we moved away from my family and somehow stopped talking. I don’t even know how things ended up so bad. It just happened so slowly that I guess I just couldn’t see what all was happening to my life, until I didn’t have a life. After 17 years of suffering and outright toxic emotional warfare, I left with our son and later that year my ex took his own life. But I am dealing with unspeakable guilt for it. I know that I didn’t make him do it, but had I not left I know that he would still be alive. He told me a number of times that if I left knowing that he would die then that was as good as murder. As ridiculous as it sounds, that’s kind of how it felt. But he used suicide to keep me from leaving. I was imprisoned by that threat for so many years. He wouldn’t stop the things he was doing, he refused to get or accept help, and it was like he couldn’t see how evil he was being toward me most of the time. i don’t trust my judgement and am very cautious of trusting people or wanting to get close to others. It took me almost two years to see that my ex husband was a covert narc, so I think that anyone could be. And every single person I meet I scan for narc traits. It’s like I’m on high alert now and everyone is dangerous. Being close to people just isn’t worth the risks.
So sorry that you had to go through it and now deal with the guilt of him taking his life. It is not your fault and you paid already enough for being with him. Think about yourself as lucky, because some narcs torture their spouses even after they leave, they also might kill their spouses. Consider yourself lucky that it is him and not you. Regain your life and mental freedom, make a list of all his faults and mistreats of you, and every time your sense of guilt comes back, read the list or recite it in your head. He could die of a heart attack and be gone this way, but he did it to himself instead and is gone that way. Maybe he would die the next day anyway of cancer, or in a car accident, we all have to die one day no matter what. So don't blame yourself and don't let him to steal your peace and happiness even after he is gone. Best of luck.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this 🥺 I relate to you on some of this and my heart goes out to you. Just know that you are not to blame. You can reclaim all of your joy, all of your empathy, everything that you were before that relationship. As you left this comment 10 months ago, I’m praying that you are doing well 🙏🏽
Jeez he made it so you'd never be free of him. Almost like an attempt to damage your soul. You must have a unique energy to be attacked like that. This will sound corny and cheesy and im not pushing religion in any way, but there are energies or angels that could lend a hand in healing some of that, dont pray, just give permission for the help.
I can't agree with u more!!! Burnt out and confused and unable to trust urself anymore!! I too throw myself under the bus so much to try and explain why others do the things they do. In fact so much so I've even questioned if IM the covert narc, ESPECIALLY like u r saying tht I've kind of turned myself off after awhile of so much pain! But watching these videos is helping to distinguish the differences. Your narc's suicide was the final & ultimate act of selfishness. The ultimate playing the victim, and the ultimate shifting the blame. This was the ultimate gift to himself bcuz he knew it wz the ultimate punishment for you. He knew how it wud destroy u and how u wud blame urself. Beyond tht, he realized it wz a way to continue to manipulate, control and hurt u over and over again long after he wz gone.And tht is pure evil. So plz if u ever question urself, remember tht! He wz a sick selfish evil shell of a human being. I hope u can move past this and create a beautiful life for u and ur kids in spite of tht sicko.
Wow, I'm everybody's "middle man." They vent to me, they feel better, sometimes I feel better if we bond over similar problems, sometimes the problem person does the same thing & I'll gently nudge ways I think could make the situation better for both parties, then I get stuck feeling drained by the end of it...
Sometimes I think that early in childhood I was an empath, but because I learned that I couldn’t influence my parent’s perpetually negative attitudes, I started to shut down my empathy. I know that I have a lot of narcissistic traits because of this lack of empathy I have now, but there are still elements that confuse me. I’m absolutely codependent as when I feel someone is mad at me or if I feel I’ve accidentally been mean to someone it crushes me and I feel like I can’t function until we’re alright again. However, I worry that maybe the only reason I care is because I can’t stand to have someone think that I’m a bad person rather than actually feeling bad about what I’ve done. HOW CAN I BE SO CONFUSED BY MY OWN MIND.
Im in a really similar spot. I have had a very close brush with a narcissist (what my therapists tell me) but in learning about it and listening to all this.. i am beset with worry that i am actually a covert narcissist, or thar i show symptoms of it. Its very confusing/worrying (which dies give me some comfort that im not a narcissist, if it worrys me and i dont want to hurt or be a burden to people)
I’ve heard that a narcissistic will be the only personality trait that will never seek counselling as they do not consider that there is anything wrong with them. Even a psychopath may seek counselling. A narcissist has no self awareness. They are always the victims or the hero never the villian. The fact hat you have considered could you be a narcissist proves that you are not because you worry about being one. I hope this helps
Yeah, I completely agree. I am extremely empathetic but tend to turn that stuff off as it can be difficult to deal with most definitely codependent in relationships, as if someone is upset or mad at me or there's an issue I need to try and fix it or apologize or whatever I need to do to make amends, although most recently, I had a relationship where I would say we were both kind of codependent but then they broke it off with me and said that I was manipulative and abusive and a narcissist. They claimed a whole bunch of things that were definitely not true, and it's been tearing me up from the inside and not being able to fix the problem with my partner as they pretty much blocked me on everything and I haven't talked to them except through other people for over 3 weeks, I really hope that I'll be able to fix it
Most covert narcissist behave as empaths especially during the love bombing phase they will try to "help" or be there for you but for me the main difference lies within their intention covert narcissist while "helping" are actually controlling people and use their empathy as weapons to make people dependent I knew someone who pretend to help me but was actually abusive and made me depressed but he truly believed that he was helping me
This is interesting. After discard I thought (like everyone else after discard) that I may have been the narcissist. You can argue that I tried to make her dependent on me by controlling the narrative, and mainly because her harem of exes were way too close to our relationship during lovebombing. They were all trauma bonded and devalued. But, they were texting her constantly and she was lightly breadcrumbing them. Her focus was entirely on me though because I was high on a pedestal and idealized as a God. The exes made me very nervous being too close to our relationship. Because of this, I spent A LOT of energy, time and money taking her on trips, buying her gifts, and being very affectionate, and deep down I think I was trying to control her to make her dependent on me so she would have no thought of returning to one of those exes. She would eventually start cheating on me with one of those exes after 8 months, and eventually discarded me at 2 year mark for that ex. But you can say I was trying to control her by making her dependent, but mainly out of fear of those exes. I'm certain I was co-dependent, she constantly criticized me during devalue and a little during lovebombing. I never criticized her once, at least not intentionally, maybe at cracking a joke back at her after a jab at me. I was always calm and rational and never thought about picking her apart with criticisms. She was the exact opposite. I'm certain I was the co-dependent, but I sure thought about it because of the brain fog I was in up to 2 weeks after discard. Interesting comment though.
@@briankwiatkowski1733 your behaviour as you describe is more like that of a codependent than that of a covert narcissist. I repeat my statement "Covert Narcissist use their empathy as weapons to control others" they don't care about the person they just think it is easier for them to obtain what they want from people if they pretend they care for them. Your own behaviour was due to fear of losing the person you love not to manipulate her to comply or force her to do what you want. for me it is the main difference.
Funny, I am aware that the ex she returned to has been devalued again and ghosted. Goes to show that sneaking behind my back and sleeping with him and idealizing him while I was being devalued, gave her supply due to the covert nature of it all. When I left (technically I discarded her since I had nothing left to give emotionally and I felt like a shell of a human), he suddenly became the boyfriend (main supply) again, and that's the worst position to be in. So apparently I screwed him over by leaving her. She was then stuck with one person then and had to start looking for a replacement for him, throwing him into an immediate devalue stage. This stuff is so crazy, but looks like it's slowly becoming the new norm in society.
I have a theory that it might be based on age and family roles as a golden child or a skape goat I know older children tend to protect younger children and sometimes have completely different realities
Makes sense, and also cultural expectations based on gender: a big boy protects his baby sister, big boy is mom’s “little man” (aka surrogate spouse), big sister is like the second mother, the nurturer, mom’s competition, etc...
I am an eldest from a dysfunctional family. I protected my siblings, needed the skills to detect how they needed to be cared for in any given circumstance.
@@sophiemarcaurele I guess I'm both genders since I did the protecting and nurturing. Gender roles are extremely outdated since it has no bearing to the birth sex of the person.
I loved this video! Both my siblings are Covert Narcissists and I had to go zero contact with both. I am Codependent and finding this out took me down this rabbit hole into learning about narcissists and the narcissistic abuse my siblings and I went through growing up. Once I started getting healthy, going to therapy, and drawing boundaries the ugliness really started coming out. Taking off the rose color glasses I was able to see the negativity, manipulation, and gaslighting that had been going on around me for decades -- their "passive-aggressive nature" for what it really was. The likely family history of narcissists was revealed as well when a few Coverts in my extended family gained access to social media and you really got to see what they thought, how much hate they harbored, and how little empathy they really had. It's been devastating to deal with because I had to draw boundaries and even go zero contact with some, but it wasn't until I learned the truth that I could begin to heal myself and start living.
This video brought me to tears. You've given my recent revelations about myself validation. Thank you so much. My older sister died at 18 months when I was 4 months old. I'm 64 now and have finally traveled from Co-Dependent to Empath. My younger sister was my Narcissist. (Now, just to believe myself =0). Thank You
Awesome video. When you have a "gift" to discern what type of a spirit is affecting someone's life it can be wonderful or feel like a curse. Then when you feel like a sponge to the emotions of others, you realize its time to build some emotional barriers and resilience.
Thank you as always, your voice and advise is very calming. For quite awhile I believed that I am a covert narc, now I am more sure that I am a very codependent empathetic person who foolishly tries to help everyone and make things better. I grew up in an abusive home and had multiple abusive relationships with malignant narcs. Now I don't trust myself and keep to myself and just try to be a better Dad. To all the codependents out there, I hope you are free from abuse/ manipulation and are healing yourselves.
I pick up other people's intentions very quickly. Even from a huge room away! I don't know how I knew 2 young women were badmouthing another person we were working with, but as they were whispering from that huge distance away, I immediately knew. I told them it wasn't nice to put down our teammate that way and they were shocked. They wanted to know how I'd heard them from such a huge distance away and I said I have extremely acute hearing, which wasn't true but I didn't know how to explain it. So I really don't know how I do it either.
Mm maybe context clues? And something you may have picked up on earlier before seeing them speak? Yes I do believe some people are just more in tune with people and/or their surroundings than others.
This is very enlightening. As an HSP, I am someone who struggles with self-doubt. It was reassuring to hear clear explaination at the end of your video. I am constantly questionning about what personality type I am. I know I am an empath (HSP) but working in a toxic environment for years, when I am overwhelmed and triggered by a narcissist, I can become so passive-agressive, and rude to them....
Yes! Empaths exist! I am one! I think it developed from an upbringing involving a domineering Mom and learning NOT to trip that wire! Only took me almost 50 years and a lot of counseling, but I've learned to be an empath with boundaries! Woo hoo! Like a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders and makes life SO much LESS complicated. I have to be CONSTANTLY vigilant to avoid back sliding, but I feel I'm getting there! This CAN be DONE! Hang in there and keep trucking, my fellow Empaths! I EMPATHIZE with your challenges and am cheering for YOUR efforts! Keep up the AMAZING work on your channel!!!!!! :)
I grew up in a nutty house, moved away, far away when I was 19. My mother likely has NPD, as does my youngest brother. I went no contact ten years ago. I have been estranged with my entire immediate family for almost a decade and have been working on me. I am actually heading out for a weekend retreat with some plant medicine in a couple of hours. I can't believe how close to the mark this video is. I am an empath, period. I can read the room, literally but have learned all about boundaries, this has changed my life. Thank you for this video, it is amazing how far I have come in this healing journey, it is amazing how much I resonate with this topic.
This is one of the clearest explanations of the differences and similarities between empaths, codependency and narcissism. Although it's true we can't "FIX" people, as an empath/codependent, I've used my abilities to help enhance youth leadership skills through coaching and training and this way help them fix themselves by themselves. Thank you so much for this video ♥️🙏 Warmly Maria
Hi there Christina, Thank you for your insights and descriptive understanding of being in touch with our lives with this emotional connection as it unveils understanding away from the smoke and mirrors of manipulative people. Regards, Adrian.
Thank you so much..I just started watching your videos today..I am married for 18 years..3 kids..and I've been going through emotional abuse for so long and only realized last year..so true ..everything u have said about child hood trauma..it explains why I have always been a sponge for so many people to offload their problems on..I never understood why I was able to give so much love even though I myself never got any from parents and sibling growing up I am still the strong one in my family..now I'm dealing with this whole narcissistic situation with my husband and I'm really having a difficult time.
Definitely would say it's a little bit of both nature & nurture. Brain is still developing during younger years and most likely get damaged. Also when one protects themselves they are really going to the opposite end of the spectrum. Think it's important to seek balance in all things.
This may have been a life saver. I started to think I was a covert narcissist and felt like that was the type of person who shouldn't be allowed to live because there's NOTHING positive about those 2 words. And yes...NOW I get that a covert narcissist isn't going to naturally come to that conclusion. It would probably have to be concluded in a therapy setting. But my inability to disconnect from the emotions and stress level of any room I'm in feels more like the traits of an empath. That's still a problem because I don't understand the words "let it go"! Thankfully, I live alone so I'm able to disconnect and recharge...but I'm DEFINITELY not going to watch a movie that I know to be a tear-jerker! Talk about exhausting!
Omg!! This video made me understand that the very person who introduced me to the word "empath" is actually a covert narcessist. Yes she was very sensitive but what made our friendship break in the end was her habit of sarcasm allways at the expense of others and shaming/blaming me for not allways be available as her "dumpster". Thank you for the clarification!
@@sarahelle4711 well, as I said the shaming/blaming she did. Although she claimed to be an empath, she was never available to help in anyway and will get angry whenever anybody ask for her help while being very demanding herself. While dumping her shit on me in a very verbally abusive way, I got physically sick for days.
100% spot on! My sister and I are both sensitive and had childhood trauma. I developed into an empath with codependent traits and she developed into the covert narcissist. My mother once told me that I was such a loving snuggle bug when I was born and my sister did not want to be held or snuggled. She was content in the crib by herself. So I definitely believe that disposition plays a bigger role than we are aware of. Thank you for this video! I saw this at the right time in my healing. 🙏❄️🌼💪🦄✨🤍
Gosh you’re pretty. And you radiate such depth, gentleness, strength and calm resolve at the same time. You have such a soothing voice - on top of explaining things succinctly! 👌🤗😍 As others mentioned in the comments, I also think that on top of being born with tendencies to certain characters, we are influenced by the gender roles in our society, as well as our position in the family’s pecking order. A mother can seduce her son into the unhealthy position of the surrogate spouse: a daughter might be forced to be the second mom to her siblings - and dad - just because she’s a girl, even if she’s younger. The gifted one at school or athletics might be the performer in charge of bringing a good image on the family. It’s true that it often goes from a generation to the next: my mother came from a family of 12 kids, and she must have felt her needs weren’t met, because I remember her saying “I made children to finally have MY family, that I don’t have to share with anyone, they only love ME.” I clearly understood that I was the caretaker at a young age, responsible for both my emotionally immature parents. I was forced to grow up very quickly... I can see how that unavoidably turned me into an hypervigilant, hypersensitive co-dependent. John Bradshaw’s book on: The Family really helped me put words on these inter-generational roles and dynamics! It’s been good to understand that it’s not only common, but healthy survival mechanisms (for a child) which no longer serve us in the present. It’s not our fault, and we can do something to heal and change these patterns! 🙏
What a powerful video! This is spot on. I am seeing that my dad was a narcissist and my mom codependent. I became empathic and have recently realized I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist. This helps so much, thx so much for your videos as they are helping me recognize these unhealthy patterns! 💫🙏🏽💫
Comprehensive and brilliant!! Thank you for your preparation and presentation of many aspects of these issues. Subscribed and liked!! Keep up the good work😬👍
My experience is that as an empath, it isn't easy to see the landmines. Because you'd have to be on guard all the time, cause if you let down your defenses you will be pounced on and pummeled emotionally. My experience with covert narcs suggest that these people are both abused, neglected, and spoiled simultaneously. But not for the stuff grandiose narc. get rewarded for, covert narcs. get rewarded for stuff like showing up, and not making a fuss, or being the coersive flying monkey for a narc parent that keeps the scapegoat/truth teller towing the line. Which means they are overly rewarded for service and superficial stuff, but never given genuine love and connection. So they shut off the pain of neglect while focusing on the superficial conformity of life.
I do find that to be an empath is a gift, that there are such people who walk among us, little guardian angels but of course as you say to be an empath is exhausting, however, to be seen with any real emotion in this world is wrong because you get conditioned in a way to keep your feelings to yourself. That it's somehow not okay to get angry, particularly for women because there is that argument when a man is angry - he is angry but when a woman is, she's crazy and unstable. That it's not okay to rehash old wounds (from other people's perspectives) because usually empaths tend to go deep and have quite in depth conversations, and what they want is that understanding or to be validated, and suddenly people aren't interested, they don't want to go deep and in the world we are in today it's brutal, it's harsh, if you had an empath running for power they'd do away with the electric chair that because a person who murdered someone it wouldn't make it right to kill them and very sensitive people tend to get ridiculed, mocked for showing they have feelings or because they feel things more so they can't be relied on for common sense so. comment's like "you're too sensitive," like it's a bad thing, or "your judgement is off" but if this person who's saying all this is coming to you to vent or when upset about their problems empath is a perfect person to come to, because you do feel cared for, understood in a deeper level than most can give, it might be emotionally draining for empaths but my guess is they'd do it for someone they love, that they valued, and cared about so they are needed in this world. Therapists, councilors, suicide hotlines, Nursery Teachers etc
There are different kinds of empaths. Some do not believe in evil and are caught in it. Some know and understand it and are not caught in it. As the saying goes " evil grows when good people do nothing," Empaths may very well be driven to nihilism to do nothing because they understand and accept disease. Others see the disease and fight the spread through shadow work "vaccines" and quarantine.
@John Smith yeah but I understand from talking to men that they only hear what they want to hear even if you gave logic to a man if he doesn't want to know he won't want to know it. Sometimes men think they are better than women and they're not, they can get emotional too but they respond more in anger to a situation which makes sense because these days men are conditioned not to show emotion. Do you know a man who is within my family killed himself because his long term wife left him because he never spoke about it, he tried getting his kids back a few times but he took his life for a woman. That's a fact. And the fact is people who really are going to commit suicide don't hold up traffic to do it they go off somewhere else and do it he hung himself from his barn. It shocked the whole family. Had he have had a therapist, or reached out or said he was struggling. My husbands best mate killed himself over his woman and child, he couldn't hack it anymore and he was going to prison trying to get this other woman off her that decided to attack his misses but she had to fall in her stupid high heels and press charges but do you think he talked about it, it sent my husband down into a depression once he'd taken his life and I was there for him because he wouldn't eat, lost a lot of weight so men might not be able to talk about it but things affect men too.
This video was so incredibly insightful. Wow. I learned so much. When you talked about how an individual’s childhood might shape them into an empath, it really hit home for me. I never really gave thought to how the events/trauma in my life might have shaped me into an empath. But it makes so much sense now.
Thank you so much for your hard work, research, and for sharing your knowledge! I learn so much from each video. And your voice is very soothing, too! After enduring narcissistic abuse, that is actually quite calming.
I appreciate the brain chemistry discussion. It helps with understanding and caring for the narcissist. It seems very important to make available the love the narcissist is able to absorb and process. Similar to feeding a person who doesn’t have a hearty appetite. Understanding the biological source for narcissism inspires one to care more because of the common human bond and will to live.
One thing to add: covert narcissists can fake empathy with cognitive empathy. That means they know what empathy can look and sound like but not what it really feels like. They just can’t do it for long, which is how you can suss one out. For instance, in the beginning of a conversation as you share some tough things you are going through, they may tilt their head and make a sympathetic facial expression or sound, then the conversation will switch over to them for the majority of the time, and when you try to share your own experiences again (they may not even ask, you just choose to share), they seem impatient and their body language looks irritated, like they already listened to you enough, they shouldn’t have to do it any more. They may even make a passive aggressive remark to show their irritation, or give you a piece of advice unasked for to move the conversation along, which also shows they think you are experiencing whatever issue bc clearly you can’t figure things out easily like they can (showing their sense of superiority). They use cognitive empathy as a tool to get what they want or pretend to be your friend but they can’t do it for long or really all the way.
Yes. My covert narcissist husband gives money to women's shelter on the regular basis. He knows some women may need to run from an abusive partners. How noble. But when it comes to helping me to heal form sexual abuse by him... not available. Gets irritated and expects me to get over it. Once I realized I live with the vulnerable narcissist (a.k.a. covert one), I stopped turning to him for healing. Opening to him with my pain is a risky as bleeding in the ocean next to the shark.
Mine cared for cats and would get emotional worrying about them , but she tricked me for 12 years . Looking back red flags we’re being mad at me for being vulnerable, sick , and a cold attachment for affection
I agree with this.. There are also those people that continuously repeat the same patterns and then vent/complain about it.. idk maybe everyday? Every other day? As if they aren’t learning.. and even after you’ve given suggestions etc. I seen this from a woman who is bipolar who I actually think is a borderline. So when you say irritation after hearing a person repeat their story again or another time.. etc. wellllll there are those people people just get tired of hearing the same damn thing! I think it’s psychotic to keep doing the same things over and over expecting diff results. Unfortunately.
Incredible insight and very soothing to hear the idiosyncrasies of these personalities. Intuition and feeling energies is true but what is failed to be mentioned is the pernicious, evil nature of narcissist. As an empath, we can feel sorry but also it’s healthy to wish they didn’t exist or deserve to be here. If a toxin infects you in a clinical sense all you want to do is to eradicate it. These people bring no value other than being a lesson learned for those who love and bring light.
16:43 I couldn't agree more. Once I realized and embrace the truths of why "you can't truly love someone until you've learned to love yourself", I decided to do the work and I am so very glad I did. Through willingness to be vulnerable in honesty with consistent clarity in the moment I believe a couple can create a complimentary deepth between them that is unbreakable, that is if they have done their transformative work to become their best self and become who they know inside they're ment to be for the one whom is right for them. I also believe from such a relationship a the ripple affect of positive potential can come about for all those in or that will be attracted to the dynamic you have created as a couple. Best wishes to anyone working on their life's journey. If I was to give anyone advice it would be to understand the deep of the Golden Rule and to do your best to maintain balance of it's value to you and everyone else.
Great insights. My mother is narcissistic with an explosive temper and I became the empath while my brother and sister became narcissists. This is the first time I have heard an explaination of how that could happen. FYI - the abuse and especially emotional shock causes me to be psychic as well.
As an empathetic person who is healing from codependency and narcissistic abuse I’ve let myself become comfortable with others thinking I’m cold hearted. It sucks, but for me it was necessary to protect my peace.
This is exactly my situation! I grew up to be an Empath and my brother is a narcissist , our relationship is very toxic but we are very codependent to each other.
In my personal experience I've basically found 2 types of people: those who talk about being an empath, and those who just show sincere empathy. I can't think of a time when someone who has shown me genuine empathy has ever said anything about how much an "empath" they are. But with every covert narc I know, "empath" is one of the defining traits of their public persona.
Thank you. Really appreciated this video. I had been learning a lot about narcissism and saw so many traits I was scared and confused. I had more of a codependent problem in the past…. Then as an adult felt like I became an empath and hsp 🤦🏽♀️ indefinitely hope to learn more and watch more of your videos.
I had to Empathically sense my mother's moods as she was very abusive to me on every level. Her moods were violent. I would be hit very hard across my face just for scratching my nose. To this day I am still intimidated by her. Now I have this ability to feel other peoples physical, emotional feelings as if they were my own feelings inside my body. It can be very draining to feel other peoples tiredness, depression and anxiety as my own. I can't handle being around too many people in one go as it is very overwhelming for me. I can feel what other people are thinking if their thoughts are directed at me with great intent.
newworldlove I feel the same way as you do around other people! And Heaven help me if they are in pain or in an accident because I will feel their physical pain as well. I just want it to stop. I can't go to the mall or any stores during the Christmas shopping season because I feel the anxiety. And watching upsetting movies is quite shocking to me, but doesn't affect others around me the same way. Makes me feel strange.
My Priest told me long ago I should stop trying to take on the worlds problems. I didn't listen, or struggle to understand. Either way he was right and I didn't listen and i eventually got myself into so much emotional drama turmoil and hurt. You could say ive stopped doing that, though a little too late. my mood feels miserable most of the time, burnt out most of the time. I'm busy with this task of getting myself out of this deep pit and it feels like an impossible task. It's like daily torture. Just sharing a life experience. Don't let the same happen to you. Always work on healthy boundaries. Specifically, your first responsibility as a person, is to take care of yourself. You will learn how you can effectively help someone else when you take care of yourself first.
This was very informative and helped me understand a lot about my empathic side. I have known I’m co dependent for over 20 years but just learning I am a major empath and it clears up so much confusion I’ve had my whole life. Personality traits and behaviors should be taught in schools. Everybody has one yet there is no education on it. If I’d known about this when I was younger it could have saved my life from being ruined. I’ve wasted my whole life on others always thinking it would somehow pay off. It never did I was only used up time and time again. Learning why I did what I did helps me to forgive myself and I have turned my behaviors around to better take care of myself. I still make mistakes and get to involved and I feel way to deep about things but I’m much better at identifying and retreating with no quilt. But I am 61 years old so it’s a little late to have any hope of a better future. It’s a real shame; if I would have known what a narcissist was and to avoid them I would have had a completely different life. I wish there was something I could do to be apart of teaching young people about these so at least all my loss could help others. I might feel like I had a purpose if so. Thank you for your video and much success to you.
this video really helped . after being in a narcissistic relationship for a long time . i found myself worried id picked up on his narcissitc treats, worried i was in fact a narcissist myself and even if i was a narcissist who believed i was an empath i went through years of confusion over this but iv also always try fix and save others and take on others emotions and problems . i have learnt i am actually an empath/codependant but this video helped me understand the difference between all 3 and where it all stems from thank you
Bingo! My bother and I. I am an empath (highly emphatic) while my bro has a (covert) narcissistic personality. My mom is a perverse narcissist while my father has covert narcissist tendencies. I've experienced what you say about feeling my mom feelings and thoughts, it brought me a lot of pain and troubles because narcissists hate when you know what they think, feel and plot they want this to be the other way around so they are in control.
A true empath would never feel they have to announce themselves as an empath for the same reasons that a true ‘nice’ person would never have to tell anyone that they are a ‘nice’ person
Jesus Christ FINALLY!!! This makes me sick when I see it. I’m a level 19 Master Class Empath Warrior…37% Virgin Mary…110% Chuck Norris. I am to narcissists what seal team 6 is to Bin Laden. Narc Hunter of the Year 2017-2024 🤣🤣🤣
Great video and one that's needed after experiencing a covert narc. I'm still trying to fight off the depression and odd traits she projected onto me.ive questioned if I'm the narc more than once but this video has served to reassure me. It's one hell of an experience but something that would of happened sooner or later. I'm in a Farr better place now, sad to say since I've started seeing things clearly I've it's quite chilling how many of the wrong people I had in my life, and how they seem to be stuck there. I'm slowly finding the right ones and the wrong ones are just falling away, seemingly unable to deal with my new points of view and I'm unable to put up with the bs they try n feed me.
Hey Ms. Christina, hope you're doing well ☺ I enjoyed your video, I think you're pretty, and I am for sure an empath...though I definitely had a few codependent traits in the past too 😅
Wow, this was so enlightening! You just explained the mystery of who I am and why I am. Many therapy visits never got to this level of knowledge. Thank You!!!
I'm not sure how/why but my narc mother was frustrated with me refusing her attempts at pushing my boundaries. I moved out at 16 because I wasn't living my life & making the choices she wanted me to. My family members all tried to shame me for being defiant by calling me selfish & stubborn. I found myself being empathetic but it was debilitating. I wanted to help (fix) others because i was so abused by my family & would exaggerate others feelings & take on others problems as my own. I attracted/participated in unhealthy relationships, romantic & friendships. When I got serious about managing my life I realized that I was practicing avoidance by being all up in other peoples business & not dealing with my trauma. I'm much more present & balanced now. I still empathize with others but i respect their ability to deal with their own problems. I face my own issues head own. I'm no longer ashamed of my shortcomings & don't need to focus on being a savior.
Wow!! Finally answers after years of serving Covert Narcissists women... unbelievable! Thank you! Your exactly right about everything you say! Not a theory either! Everything you've said I've experienced!!!!
Seen it. Midrange narc presenting as empath. The narcissstic traits increase which reduces empathy and results in emotional thinking. Cognitive distortions will occur. So they attribute qualities to others which others don't have. That happens in all personality disorders these cognitive distortions which cause them to attribute traits to others; which are not present in that person. They mislable emotions the narcs. They only care about themselves. They are flip sides of a coin. Genetic predisposition and environment. We can see less grey neurons in the narcissist.
Thank you for this one, very informative. Based solely on the definitions and signs of empath... I think I can be safe to say that I am an empath. Yes, I did have a manipulative couple of people in my life. I still struggle to see if I did wrong kicking em out. :O
I have a childhood friend who is forever talking about what she learned in therapy about her narc mother. But as I get older I have become aware of her lack of empathy, her lack of interest about what is really happening with me. This video is a real eye opener for me.
@@sunnycurtis3236 Im 56 and had to severe 2-30 yr relationships Im the true empath they played the codependent but they are Really covert narcissist most women who are career victims are.. Took decades to learn this dead 💀 end toxic relationships Now I see it everywhere
Soul meaning their mind, will, and emotions? They run away/abandon their true person? Then a dark spirit is then allowed to control them. Like being possessed? Is this the right conclusion from your comment?
@@TempermentalTart I don't have all the answers but yes, they are running away from their true self. And they have no Holy Spirit. Empty meatsuits. It's crucial to accept Jesus, he sends us Holy Spirit it helps to navigate around toxic people and his love heals. Feel free to ask anything
@@tonikukkonen6806 ...you know I read a few weeks ago and have been thinking about this. It may be possible for someone to have 2 spirits, the Holy Spirit but also another spirit (that oppresses/possesses them) they have not been delivered from. Derek Prince gets into this in one of his teachings. This combined with abandoning their souls (mind,will,emotions) has left them open and not having the capacity to "renew their minds". Perhaps the biggest obstacle is "finding themselves" again (even in a childlike state...where they first disconnected) which would mean conquering the fear. Not being literally "beside themselves" with grief and fear. To take charge of their will (soul) and expelling the evil presence in the spirit. 🤔
@@TempermentalTart Very well said. That another spirit can be something like addiction. This is very interesting topic and battle between flesh and spirit is real deal and it's lifelong battle. It takes humility to heal for christian (finding themselves like you said) Jesus is the key to this and everything. You have very good knowledge, it's blessing to have wisdom like that. Be blessed
For me, I don’t know that confusion can be cleared up. I think that everything is fluid and on a spectrum, changing over the course of one’s lifetime, perhaps. While I have been considered to be empathic and would be called so in my narcissistic family dynamic, oddly enough, learning about narcissism and being better with boundaries, while growing older, has made me question how narcissistic I am, as well. It has also never really been a stretch for me to have boundaries and tell people no. Another dynamic is being an INTJ and, from what I’ve seen, we are the most likely to become narcissists. I’d also imagine that, depending upon circumstances, we’re more empathic or narcissistic. I’m probably a complete empath, with my cats. But, with people, I vary, probably a great deal, in fact. There’s also the talk of dark empaths and super empaths. What about the Hekoya and is it Sigma? Yeah, it’s confusing.😊
oh I got laughing when I imagined as someone called me "cold and heartless person"! Thx, there is a good video. I felt that narcissism is something really close to my empathy, now I know that we are two sides of the one coin (trauma).
My empathy, I feel, developed and continues today, because of being hyper vigilant…I find that at work, I know immediately when someone comes in and is dealing with something “heavy” by the way they act within a few minutes of coming into work. I ca feel things being “off”. I am drawn to finding out who it is and what’s going on. I then am consumed by finding “fixes” for their issue until it’s no longer making them feel off which in turn makes me feel off. Exhausting!!!!
Thanks for the video My thought: Nature and nurture. It's just like muscles. Some people are weak and some people are strong. What makes the difference? Exercise. The differences between the brain of one person and the brain of another person will have a lot to do with what that person thinks about and how they live their life.
Aw man, this was very clarifying. My mother, claimed to be such an empath, she made a career out of it being a psychic. But as I grew up I noticed more an more that it was a constant ploy to get her at the center of attention at all times. Man that really messed with my head. Over the past several years I’ve learned so much that has helped me let go of those experiences and memories with her and my overt
Oops, I went to delete and I sent the comment. So as I was saying: sociopath malignant narcissistic father. It’s weird but great how these videos are freeing. Like I finally put a puzzle together that was missing pieces.
Before I experienced my childhood trauma's, I clearly remember feeling other's emotions and needing to soothe or comfort people. I didn't understand what was going on as a child, but I remember feeling like I needed too let other's that they were loved or not alone. I had horrible anxiety as well before my trauma's as well. It turns out that according to my Dr. He's pretty sure I have ASD, but since I'm an adult I most likely won't get an official diagnosis unless I pay out of pocket. I've often thought that the 2 often go hand in hand.
This phrase, made it all clear for me ...."the empath from a young age will try to help others avoid what they see coming". I remember being little, about 7 years or 6, and trying to be the mediator, trying to fix the issues between my mom and dad, telling them not to fight. Then again at 16 years old doing the same with my dad and his second wife. So it seems that my most beloved skill and weakness came from my trauma 🥺🥺
No that is a gift we were born with and without it may have never survived the true horrors we endured. It was never your fault or responsibility as a child, you were a child, extend the empathy to yourself too.😊
Being codependent and empathic, works to one's detriment. Because I get attached much more deeply to everyone, and am always looking for ways to help others, even when it impacts me negatively.
So enlightening! Is it possible that after half a lifetime of ongoing recovery work from narc abuse, an empath-codependent’s empathy towards narcissists, covert & overt could deteriorate??
For me it’s starting to wane. When I see my covert narcissist husband (we’re separated) , I still feel an initial rush of “we can somehow make it work”...but I control myself and after some moments I come back to sanity. Some narcs are very attractive and carry a magnetic personality as if they are the most wonderful people in the world...they are hard to resist. Now, I just tell myself...it’s simply temptation...and I pray. Brain damage takes time to heal...and when you love and believe in someone who abuses you for decades...that’s brain damage. But, we CAN heal!
@@sharonmoran4310 It continues to slowly improve, tho the journey has ups and downs. Each down feels just as compelling as before, trying to suck me back into the old energies. , tho I mostly resist. But each up, I feel more liberated than the previous up. The spell-binding illusory energies that caused me to see him as a most wonderful person are finally starting to lose their power over me, and I’m seeing more of the plain man behind the curtain of the so called wonderful wizard of Oz. I’m slowly feeling a space of freedom (vs enmeshment) start to grow between me and him. But, I’m still scared of seeing him or hearing his voice. It throws me into an emotional rollercoaster of “He’s a dangerous man and i need to run as far away from him as possible “ to the other extreme “nobody’s perfect. We could make a wonderful team. And I love him.” So, I avoid him as much as I can. One thing that really helps me is trusting the loneliness. In the past loneliness would cause me to run back to him. Now, I stay inside the loneliness , feeling it, crying if I have to, and I tell myself that into the painful emptiness and aloneness something new and different can be born. I meditate John the Baptist’s words : listen to the voice crying in the loneliness. And I pray for true Self-hood. How’s it going for you? I hope you are doing well on your journey.
Compassion fatigue can set in from over-caring. Ppl pleasing is a form of controlling others rather than having an inner locus of control with boundaries in place. When you see through the narcs false front, lies and inability to care about others or make needed changes, you tend to begin to challenge them and fight back out of sheer frustration and to meet your own survival needs which infuriates them and you run the risk of responding out of character badly by way of 'reactive abuse' which can carry on long after the narc is out of the picture. Introspection, selfcare, putting our focus back onto ourselves, thought stopping, redirection into self-directed quality activities, discernment re who we're keeping company with and strong boundaries are essential. 🙏💪💝👁️🧘♀️🙌✍️💅🏋️♀️🤸♀️✨
