Enneagram Type 9 (the Peacemaker) in Love or Romantic Relationships

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9's can space out and forget to do things -- don't take it too personally. They enjoy slowing things down with their partners and simply "hanging out".
The best way to connect with 9's is to approach them with calm and meet them at their level of peace. 9's bring big picture perspective to their partners, are great listeners, and engage them in looking at "the simple things in life". However, it's also important that we listen TO them as well and honor the times they do look into their personal wants, needs, and emotions.
Nines are incredibly passionate about fairness. They do their best to avoid "conflict" and are more likely to withdraw or be passive-aggressive when they are angry. If you see this behavior, try to connect with them and let them know that you are there for them. See if you can find something that feels fair for both of you and that their opinion matters. .
Nines may have a hard time setting boundaries, and instead build up internal resentment (unintentionally) toward their partners. As their loved one, it helps to set boundaries with them and encourage them to do the same. Nines can also need help with feeling supported and encouraged with getting out of their comfort zone.
Those in relationship with a nine, often feel valued and supported by their partner, but can struggle with wanting their partner to speak up for themselves. As peacemakers, they add a lot of calm and grounding to the naturally more amped up types of the enneagram.
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28 май 2020

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Комментарии : 34

@eggfishy 3 года назад

I am likely a 9, and my boyfriend says I'm not very emotional and that I don't like to talk about emotional things. However, when I try to open up, it feels like he disengages and doesn't listen or understand. It's a bad cycle because then I start holding back again and then receive more criticism for holding back. I've kind of always felt that other people were incapable of caring about me. So I focus on them.

@ceciliahorner2664 3 года назад

That sounds really sucky. Have you tried talking to anyone else about it? Maybe even try telling him what you just said here. I'm a nine and I rarely express these kinds of things to the people who need to hear them so I get it. People can't know that something is bothering you if you don't tell them. Most of the time, I wish people could read my mind cause I don't like to "stir up conflict," but I'm torturing myself by not saying anything lol

@crystalfelicia9924 2 года назад

Hi fellow 9, from this standpoint can honestly say ur bf is the problem! Sounds like he just doesn't get u!

@crystalfelicia9924 2 года назад

Celia brings up a good point, did u ever open up to him, how are things now?

@wilsonpate5928 3 года назад

i’m a 9 and this was a really succinct explanation of why I ended a long-term relationship recently. thank you.

@cosmikbreath 4 года назад

Wow! Never have I been understood this perfectly 👌💯 I tend to avoid creating deep bonds with ppl for fear of losing myself. I also have a struggle with setting boundaries which definitely results in resentments.

@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767 4 года назад

Me too. Like maybe I should repeat to myself "it is possible to hold onto your self in friendships if they are with the right people. your people are out there. if you take it slow enough you will be able to steer yourself right" over and over and over until I know it deep in my body.

@MousyLeigh 3 года назад

My husband is a 9. Thanks for the insight. I agree with all of this.

@fckyafeelingz4064 4 года назад

You are a champ with content creation in this arena!! I'm in the initial phase of my business and starting this process of creation (well procrastinating the process). Anywhoozies, thank you for the information and inspiration

@CareerTherapy 3 года назад

Really great breakdown Jenny - thanks for putting this together. I'm a nine and run into all these things in my life. Picking a focus can be so tough

@pennyholt8968 4 года назад

Great info. Thank u for sharing 💓

@jakimberling1 Год назад

9w8 SP here, for me its a big deal that my partner recognizes that it take a ton of effort for me to know how I feel or what I'm feeling on any given subject. The simple act of showing up to myself enough to understand how or what I feel, is the MAJOR work of redirecting my energy from blocking things from getting in and blocking myself from coming out. The right action of showing up for myself and others. I have a strong resistance to being too affected by anything in life. Being under the false assumption that if I am affected by things, then by default, I have lost my peace. When in truth it is the opposite. I need to be affected by things, to show up and be known. We as 9's are worth that.

@GettingRealWithHilary 4 года назад

So informative. Thank you for sharing!

@jennyannhelms 4 года назад

Getting Real with Hilary so glad it resonated! Are you a type 9 by chance?

@robertsolivial 3 года назад

I've never dated a nine until recently...Im a 4 and can be emotionally intense so I appreciate my bfs calm and steadfast attitude, but it has been a challenge for me to reach any depth with him. We just got into an argument which I am now regretting 1.) Because of how intense I was lol. But 2.) He came across so...nonchalant about it, and that actually hurt my feelings, like, he can't feel this dismissive about me? I'm aware/sensitive to emotions, so I know there's something deeper going on but I am really struggling finding ways to approach and get more out of this type. Any more suggestions? Advice will be great 🙏 Thank you for this video

@charissaeden9604 3 года назад

9 here! I’m a music teacher and I have a high school student who is a 4. Obviously this is not the same type of relationship, but it’s the experience I have to go off of ☺️ This student frequently will share very deep, personal feelings in her lessons. She’s actually asked me how it’s possible for me to go from hearing the deep thing I just heard, to suddenly jumping back into being a music teacher completing the lesson, acting like nothing happened. It confuses her very much and I had no clue that was hurtful to her. That’s because when 9’s have a goal, it takes so much strength to be able to even achieve the goal in the first place, that any “roadblock” that comes in the way sends us into a panic. 9’s have so much trouble completing goals for themselves that taking on another person’s emotions and experiences can easily stump them and cause them to not move forward, because they will adopt all of those emotions for themselves if they’re not careful. I will still feel genuine empathy for her and ache for her, but I have to disassociate from that emotion quickly in order to do the task that’s ahead of me-finishing the lesson that her parents have paid me to give. If what you described were to happen to me in a relationship I would absolutely feel genuine empathy, but again, if I had a task that I had to do later that day or if I had something I was really trying to motivate myself to get done, I would have to remove myself from that emotional toll of that conversation and process it later, genuinely because I know I could easily get so wrapped up and lost in that discussion I could no longer move forward. Hope that helps!

@christinagillam7365 2 года назад

@@charissaeden9604 super helpful

@amossmith6215 3 года назад

This is even good if you are friends with a 9.

@bone_apple_teeth457 3 года назад

I’m a female type 9 and I was wondering what number person I should look for in relationships to help me become my best self. Would it be good for me to enter a relationship with a 1, because a 1 could teach me how to be organized and self efficient, because 1s have efficient plans for efficiency. Or would that just cause a lot of conflict because I struggle with my lack of assertivity?

@sequoyiafarr9927 3 года назад

A two would probably be good. They would most likely try to figure out and learn what you need to be happy. That could be a good thing. They could make you feel like it’s safe to express what you want and what you need.

@bone_apple_teeth457 3 года назад

@@sequoyiafarr9927 Ironically I think my mom is a 2, but I think most of the time her “helping” comes across as controlling/overbearing to me.

@mynameisworld4097 3 года назад

I also think like 2

@Apluschic 3 года назад

I’ve seen that often a 2 is seen as a really good paring, but I am a 9w1, and just broke it off with a 2 after two years. We had a lot of good in the relationship but he was insecure, and in unhealth so he was really manipulative, and controlling, and extremely intense with his emotional needs, which eventually took my peace every few days. I tried setting boundaries which he had a hard time respecting, he also had a hard time giving me personal space when needed. There was no balance. Everything was extreme. Even the helping was extreme. Eventually all this ran me off. It was hard for me to stand up and end it as I loved him very much and hoped for change. But with all that being said, I’ve learned a lot and I am still growing to become my best self.

@Apluschic 3 года назад

Also, I just want to say that my mom is a 2sp and we get along great. But my ex was a 2sx. I hope that helps.

@oktoberkirk3519 3 года назад

What does it mean when a 9 ignores anything you send them that has to do with you (I sent a song I wrote, my favorite book, etc) and they don't reply at all but then they send me things and get hurt if I don't reply to each thing?

@necsinaljadhe 2 года назад

Hello, Type 9 here. I think he is an unhealthy 9. They are in a bad shape, so to keep the peace, they ignore lots of his emotions (it could be all of them if they are in a really bad shape). So when you send them songs. They can't reply because lots of his emotions are numbed down, he doesn't know what they think about that topic, they just feel something like this "Yeah, it's a song, i don't know what to think'', but they don't answer that because its rude, they want to keep the peace. An unhealthy 9 is seeking for people who will listen to them. and if they do listen, it will heal them. So when he sends you things and you don't respond, he will be in a this kind of mindset: "what was i thinking, im not ever worth listening to" *TLDR: It's an unhealthy 9, they can't respond with their emotions. To heal them, try to listening to them genuinely*

@rayhaveman4886 2 года назад

That question can't be answered with the ennegram. Sorry but I don't agree with the previous comment. It's not like every 9 thinks the same thing, or acts the same. 9s have different personalities, and the ennegram is not a personality test. Honestly it sounds like your friend is self centered and not interested in what you have to say but they want attention from you when they feel like it. Being a 9 has nothing to do with it.

@cosmic.turtle 3 года назад

Yea ya'll validate meee haha. But for real.

@perciousmatter7001 3 года назад

Hey beautiful soul, I hope your reminded u arent ur negative thoughts, u are ur best when ur healthy, thinking, eating and taking good care of urself, not ignoring ur feelings. You are so beautiful because I just cant wait to see u being in ur own space and taking control of ur life. I cant wait!! Spread ur overwhelming presence to those around you!

@moveordievision 8 дней назад

@searching1000 11 месяцев назад

I don't understand why so much dissection.. Some will be overwhelmed.. it's like a rabbit hole that can lead to deception & like myself I was caught up into it (my fault) rather than focusing on the 1:3:1 - Adonai, Yeshua HaMassiach, & the Rukah

@masonreeves4775 3 года назад

Me an 8: Can I just get the bullet points please?

@evbemma33 13 дней назад

8s are not interested in niuances contex details. The world is not black-with and as a short list bullet escpecially any Human being is not a short list bullet

@lizard2222 Год назад

Type 9, also a Virgo lol. I would always joke with my friend that I thrive in chaotic environments because I like to bring the peace. But when things get too chaotic, I notice I dissociate.