Episode 44: The Cocoon Stage Of Healing 

As someone who was a carer from childhood through to adulthood and then having children, I'm now realising that when I'm alone at home I walk around aimlessly not knowing what to do with myself. I'm so used to being the role of carer that I simply do not know how to be with myself or do things for myself. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it really helps shed light on mine.

I am very much like Jenna I love my cocoon. I have a difficult time coming out of it and connecting with others, this year has been a very healing year where I have sank into that cocoon even more and using it to heal and work through things but again it has made it even more difficult to come out of it and reconnect with others to a point where I isolate so much so that those around me feel excluded. Absolutely loved this ep thank you so much for touching on this topic

Oh Jenna, I so relate to you being from a background that forced you to be independent and loving that cocoon you created for yourself. I love spending time with myself, reflecting and introspecting, perhaps too much? ... It feels very threatening to me to put myself out there. I am working really hard at being present in family conversations and being present emotionally for my grandchildren at the moment. Thank you for sharing your stories and once again making me realize that I can make a meaningful difference in how my children and grandchildren experience our relationship/s.

Just going through this and trying to understand it and not be hard on myself for "not being better". Thank you (I resonate with both stories in a way)! ❤️

I love how considerate you two are to each-others points and perspectives. You both are incredibly wise and it's mesmerizing to hear you two talk and work things out. I'm someone who is probably so in cocoon mode that it has merged with my flesh. I even drew something once where it was a humanoid with a cage of flesh on its back. I'm so wedged in the cocoon that one small break or crack out or vulnerability or disagreement with anyone has me rushing back in further than ever. I feel like it's better for everyone that I stay here forever...is it even ever possible to get out? Glad this comment will get buried, lol, I just wanted to vent a bit.

I am definitely in a cocoon phase going down a healing path. I have the desire to get out but I feel my inner child needs so much time on my own. I use to thrive doing everything on my own and I'm struggling more as I do it now. I believe it's because I'm older and society standards say I should be married, social, etc. But I was an executive before I was even 30 years old and slowing down now is so mandatory. Like you Jenna, I lost both my siblings and I'm just not willing to push myself unless my body gives me the green light. This has been scary and sometimes amazing, but I would do anything for myself. Thank you for this reminder that these phases are normal and necessary! Love to you all.

funny, you mention being in a sacred bubble of coziness in a little nook, with comfort items such as blankets and such because i was literally looking on pinterest for DIY outdoor canopy ideas, i saw a tapestry used as a diy tent and i was like YES that’s what i need, its cozy, relaxing, its in the elements without being overstimulated by them (i say because i live in the plains surrounded by mountains so the sun can be intense - a gift.)

Sometimes life as a mother feels overwhelming.. There are moments when I feel like doing nothing, talking to no one..

I really hear how much your relationship is a hospital where you are able to heal, be comforted, and nurtured and given space and understanding to grow.

Thank you Jenna and Nicole! I feel like I’ve gone deeply in and out of this phase for the last 6+ months. But generally have felt like I grew up in Nicole’s scenario and was constantly answerable to people, and over the last few years have practiced being alone and have dominantly cut my family out the last 2.5 years…and now I’m starting to feel like I’m getting better with making that time by myself useful. The only thing is I’ve realized that there’s part of me that never entirely let’s go unless I am completely by myself. For instance, my partner is the one to consistently take the space that he needs and my anxious attachment style is always brewing underneath. I’m aware that it’s my work to take space and be intentional about having time for myself and not expecting him to always be able to connect with me. However when we are both home and taking alone time, there’s always a small part of me that’s thinking “we need to connect” that I don’t have when he’s not around. It’s not until I’m completely alone in the house that I am able to fully and completely sink into me and find immense peace in that. Is this a typical/relatable feeling? He’s definitely not the only person I’ve felt this with. In my romantic relationships I have a history and habit of making conflict/drama in order to form an emotional connection and “hook” people. I’ve realized the root of this for me has been a failure to both understand my needs and in turn express my true feelings about what’s actually going on with me. I’m working my way out of the pattern but would love to hear your comments on this. Another note on the turtle phase … I’m realizing how much social anxiety I have as my body starts to tremble/voice shake when I start to interact with certain old friends/make small talk with people. It’s like my body is physically rejecting it. Lol. I remember having the same feeling as a kid but it’s been a long time since…and feeling the deep need to sit with and protect that part of me. I just joined SelfHealers Circle a couple months ago and have been working through Nicole’s book and it has been more helpful than I can express. Thank you for the work you do, it’s so important!

Yes just had a week and a half of cocooning and disconnected for everything but work and self healer circles program. Twas needed to restore balance and connect more to self. Another fire 🔥 podcast

I am so grateful for you both offering yourselves so courageously and creating this beautiful legacy of this Selfhealers Soundboard… Every time i relate to some content which you share i bless you and all your team so much!! Lots of blessings to you both!

Nicole, YOU and your little girl are SO SO Beautiful when you smile. you are VERY sweet underneath the DOing nicole. keep up the great self care of spending alone time. we love you.

Butterfly goals 🦋

I'm someone who never really got to spend time by myself since i lived in a small, cramped house with 3 other siblings, and had to share a room until i was 18 and could move out. I didn't feel comfortable being on my time, bc it was the unknown. So i really relate to Nicole there. However, as an adult I have intentionally put myself in situations - travelling or alone time at home where i can enjoy my solitude. It's been such an eye-opener and actually incredible for self-confidence. Thanks for everything you are doing Jenna and Nicole + team, i religiously listen to your podcast and follow on your work and I know it is having a positive impact on me and many others. I am eternally grateful.

I thrive in the cocoon stage. I was a cling-on into my thirties. Then I started the work, and I found alone time. Like you, Jenna, it’s a lovely stage!

I think this may be where I am now. I am starting to spend more time by myself doing things I enjoy. I am so happy to have found this podcast. I am currently reading How to do the Work, and my outlook on life is getting better everyday. I am future self journaling everyday, keeping that one daily promise to my self.

Yes ma’am!

I was going to move to Colorado by myself after a life changing vacation there. I felt so called to be by myself and HEAL. my therapist even said he had never seen me so “lite up” before and was very excited for me (one of the only people who was actually happy for my “bold”plans) but a week before my final interview I discovered I was pregnant (this is last summer, he’s 3 months now :) I still long to live somewhere beautiful and be separate from my hyper emeshed family.

Thank you both for as always, speaking so vulnerability and with so much resonance. My upbringing was very similar to Nicole's. Not having the space to be an individual and certainly not encouraged to be one. A lot of co-dependency and not a lot of time foe discovery of oneself. But then I had a fierce independence and passion to be different at the same time. After an injury in my early 20s, any independence or individuality I had managed to develop, was lost. I went into a massive isolation and caccoon stage. A period of 19 years! Then to emerge and start to unlearn everything that I ever believed and knew. Here I entered a " different " cacoon... one of healing. One of self discovery, one of awareness and one of transformation. One where I loved being in my space, in my self-care, in my soul. Recently I had covid and it served as a massive " cacoon" of healing... time to revisit, time to evaluate and a little reminder of how far I have come. As we grow I guess you can say that the shape of our cacoon may change, the duration, the severity etc. But one thing I know for sure; each time we emerge, we are renewed and transformed. One step closer to remembering who we really are. Thanks again for your beautiful shares. Part of my self-care regime is to set aside time to watch your podcast. I always feel nourished and I always look forward to indulging myself in the presence of your energies. Thank you both 💓 🙏

i loved this so much. this was my first time listening to the podcast, i always see nicoles posts and THOROUGHLY value them but i don’t really know jenna so finding this podcast is so great bc jenna’s perspective and wisdom was SOOOO GOOD like wow. i resonate so deeply with the both of you and your experiences which is interesting to me. i grew up in a very dysfunctional family, i’m 17 as of rn so i’m still trying to evolve out of the toxic dynamics i was brought up in. we are all very co dependent on each other for the sake of survival, but at times we try to become independent but that turns into hyper independence so those of us who still need each other are left stranded… it’s very traumatic, especially for me being young and consciously aware of literally everything. i find that i have moments, whether they be days, weeks, or months, where i’m on my shit, doing the thang, being productive, moving in my the energy of my higher self. then i get triggered, once i take the time to sit with myself and address WHY i’m getting triggered and HOW i can move past this trigger, i often dwell in this energy, trying to get to the root of the issue and i end up getting stuck in the hole i dug myself down. i’m still trying to climb out of the hole, i have pockets of moments where i’m living my best self but it is definitely a gradual process that is often times slower than we’d like. but now i know there’s so many valuable lessons in this hole of triggers and trauma so i move with grace and compassion for myself. thank you nicole and jenna ❤️

Thx you both for doing this . I don’t have a friend who I can turn to at all anymore. I had that sliding doors moment and all was gone and changed. That was 5 years ago then last lot left 2020/21 NYE. Now it’s me and the dog Living with mother. I’ve said this a few times else where. Seen as there’s a reason for why we are at these points. I’m gay 48 female in Australia. In a city that’s hard work when ur in the outside of “normal & Loaded” . For me all my friends were straight , married now & kids. Once I became single people take there places . So I’ve been locked away from life coz I couldn’t cope with myself . All the broken parts that needed help. Professional help but none avail.. I’ve isolated self so much so It was like I’d died for 2 years . Only listened to RU-vid self help or spiritual support. Nothing else. Nothing global for ages. I hate that I’m in this situation and can’t ask for help anywhere. No ones there anymore. Making new friends etc isn’t that easy at 48 . Along with looking after. Mother. I hate that I’ve missed the best years of my life at home. I couldn’t leave house ever . Only at night time. Now at Mums place . That’s a nightmare on its own. All I want atm is a great day job at a plant nursery , great earthy friends open minded ready for new world of the better in life.. a great 2 br house with a garden to grow my food and a shop/ work underneath the living area which is above.. Have area to make my leather bags and more .. so I can sell them.. bring more people in tho help with community gardens .. Oh and I miss danceibg to global trance music. I dress like I’m 20 still Im told I need to dress 48 Whatever that is . Just be me and people can accept me as I am. A bit out there then shy.. I’ve never been alone like this. Months of not seeing a human I know! Was hard to keep living. Still is. So please help with how to work thru these times.. I’m listening every day I can atm. Thx xxx Niree from down under and ova.. 🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏻‍♀️👉🤞🏼🌻🌈🕯

Thank you for this I have been feeling guilty about being in the coocon stage of healing but after watching this in going to fully embrace it 😊

I'm starting my cocoon fase now...thank you for all your work and information you share..i'm so grateful ❤❤❤❤

I love the cat 😻 I love this episode❤️, you talked directly to my experience of the cocoon. What to do when I feel I am too drawn to the cocoon and I find it hard to exit it? Like you described, everything is perceived a bit different after I emerge. I also find the new awareness, disturbing, like I see everything the same time I see how I perceive it in my awareness, that grew from all this time in the cookon. Suddenly it become dificult to function outside of it.

Thank you guys for this and everything you do! I always look forward to listening because these come at the perfect time and give me a way to spend my time that I feel good about (playing into this episode lol) and help give me a reset! I really resonate with this whole cocoon stage, especially Nicole’s depiction. I feel like I’ve been in and out of it the last couple years of my life learning about myself slowly but surely. I’ve had the call to look inward and spend more time with myself for awhile now and I’ve definitely gotten better at it but I also get stuck in the comparison and shame cycles with the people around me and it can be really hard to focus away from that. I’m so used to being tuned into others and not to myself that even when I do spend time alone, like Nicole said, it can bring up a lot of anxiety for me and a lot of the time result to me just shutting down, which is the coping mechanism I learned growing up. If you guys could go into more depth about the actual process of being with yourself and working through the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that come with it, that would be super helpful! Thank you so much again, much love to everyone!!!

This is my 1st deep intentional cocoon phase/stage. ❤ thank you for this.

Thank you so much! Helpful, beautiful, profound, inspiring...

So glad that I found you guys. I'm also in a poly throuple and of the three of us I'm the one who feels the need to isolate and cocoon more often (I think because I am struggling more with the transition from monogamy). Anyway super grateful for your wisdom and authenticity.

Like a number of others here, I have cocooned so much (especially during the pandemic, but even before it and exiting it) that I am feeling incredibly disconnected and afraid my few relationships are disintegrating. I know I need to push myself and am having trouble finding opportunities for social interaction in my area. I appreciate the idea about investing in something creative; I'm so depressed that I can't even get motivated to play guitar or to write simple comments on forums I used to visit, much less compose essays like I did way back in university. Yet it feels essential that I do SOMETHING in order to get reinvested in life instead of relying on someone else to lead me. This is a major transitional phase, perhaps, and it's extremely uncomfortable at times. And yet at others it's not so bad and I'm even grateful for having so much, nearly constant, alone time (not counting being around my mother, who I'm leasing a place with). The thought of doing something more with my life (I'm perpetually single, no kids, on disability and working part-time from home) is so overwhelming that I get panic attacks, especially when I consider the tiny few who still care about me seem to be losing interest.

I’m not one to comment on videos ever but the email I got with this video attached really made me feel seen & validated. I am almost very similar to Nicole (codependent family) yet I feel I have parts of Jenna (hyper independent) and have recently started placing boundaries like my life depends on it and today I realized it really does. Neglecting my own needs feels super similar to someone crossing a boundary and I noticed that the correlation is that agitation when you feel like your hard work was for nothing. I really hope that made sense, but recently I’ve just been super irritable even though I’ve been “doing the work” so when I found myself snapping at my sister when she was just telling me about her day and then hanging up abruptly on my partner when he was just describing his lunch I felt really confused and decided to just sit myself and ended up sobbing (heavily) for no reason. After that release, I noticed that I just haven’t had time by myself/for myself and hopefully that recognition was the first step to something life changing. Just wanted to share and say that I really appreciate these videos and am excited to heal.

Wow. I have been on a journey now for 2 years. I did not go there intentionally.. my mind did it on its own. The journey has been around trauma that I didn’t understand was trauma. Do I am learning about what trauma actually is, and , I have learned a lot. My current relationships have changed and it’s uncomfortable so, I am still learning. If it hadn’t been gif a coworker directing me to your instagram feed I really think I would still be stuck questioning my sanity and maybe even taking medication because something was wrong with me. I know different now. AND now I have some more language ’Cocoon’ I appreciate more then you know understanding what my brain is doing now. It’s navigated me into this phase.. probably for more then 6 mo. Now I have more language and understanding I can be more intentional with the process. This podcast helps me see better those relationships and where those people are coming from too. I am finding my true self. One of the hardest things I think I have done, mostly on my own. It’s confusing and I have felt lost and very alone. I now understand the guilt and shame a bit better and will not let it be in control as I carve time for myself. I am 49. Thank you for letting me into your circle and for all you do.

Wow I love you two ❤🥰 thank you for your honesty, its making me to not feel alone in this dark cocoon-face 🥴 it means a lot to me, and I am sure to everyone else that follows you ❤🙏👑

Thank you, Loved this talk, ooof So Relateable!!

While podcast listeners are this cat 🤍

Great conversation, jenna perfectly articulated what i feel i am going through

How do you feel you are ready to leave it? When do you understand that you want to integrate with others? It feels I don’t want to communicate with anyone and I feel depressed after 2 days of not seeing anyone.

my issue is trying to learn to draw people in to do things with Im used to only being alone, living alone, and I hit 55 and want friendships real intimacy for once but Im failing, painfully

i wanted to add a comment for JENNA. hi jenna. thank you for ALL the work you do, inner work. maybe what i say will resonate. i'm not sure how many times nicole has cried in the corner, but you wanting the situation to be different so your little J doesn't feel used or manipulated (my words) or taken advantage of, is up to you. you wanting nicole to be different will only cause you harm. and in return, everyone in the home. you can only change yourself, jeann. nobody else. and you being triggered by nicole's crying is a sign you need to go inward. not that you haven't of course. but you need to go inward again. your trigger is you, not nicole. AND nicole being different at home than on youtube is TOTALLY natural. alot of us are different in different situations. and her home is the SAFEST space she has, well i'm going to assume she expects it to be the safest space. you saying that you want her to be the same at work as she is on youtube was a low blow in my opinion. it wasn't necessary i don't think. but i am not the judge. and i am not judging you. i love you.

I love the way Nicole look at the Jenna 😻

Great conversation, thank you 🙏

I relate more to Nicole in the up bringing aspect … a lot of similarities… very performance based and spent a lot of time keeping “busy” and having plans. I’ve been doing the work for a couple of years now … and I witness myself coming in and out of the cocoon phase … not really having a name to put on it until now … similar to Jenna, I love my cocoon phase now. I enjoy retreating and finding space to be alone and understand my thoughts. I find the more I love myself and honor little Nicole, the more I enjoy time spent alone. I always love listening to your podcast ladies. Ps. My goal this week is to plan a very intentional (perhaps uncomfortable) dinner date with myself at a restaurant…:) I have never done it before either !

Thank you ladies 🙏☀️🌙

Hi!♡ I just stumbled across your channel. Thank you so much for your work ♡ I am 51 years old and have been on a self healing journey since I was in my mid 20's. My latest awakening to healing is my issue with safety in general, which was kicked off by my realization of my issue with not feeling comfortable with sexual intimacy. Could you maybe speak to the subject of parentification? Much love to you both♡ Maureen~

What if this cocoon period has been going on for years, I have been working on rebuilding my brain. Healing my childhood trauma and I feel like I have no capacity for socialising. But it is also leaving me feeling alone and that there is something wrong with me… I do feel isolated. But also not ready to put myself out there yet

thank you for another great episod. Could you please talk about loyalty (to family) ; how it can sometimes prevent us from healing and how to manage it ? Like feeling we are betraying our family if we are happy / calm when they are not. As well as culpability for feeling happy when your family/loved ones are not ? I feel sometimes it can be an obstacle to healing we are not aware of. Sending lots of love from France

Not sure if y'all have done an episode on self- sabotage. When Jenna mentioned it in this episode, I felt like I wanted to understand why we do that and how we can recognize it and help ourselves

I wonder how to connect differently with people that I know and hug out for ages. They only know my previous role. For me as a pleaser and an extrovert this phase has been challenging as I was so used to ignoring and repressing my needs , being focused on others that now I need to go really slow in relationships in order to include myself. It feels like learning to skate or sth😊. I get tired, scared, insecure, and curious at the same time. I simply haven’t find new ways to connect yet …it’s been a very gradual process. And quite long. New boundaries, new ways of showing up, new rules…it would be grate to here from you more how to connect as ex pleaser without pleasing… I sometimes open my mouth but have noting to say😊..and that is new…

How do we discern between avoidant tendencies and the need to coccoon? I’m really struggling to understand if my need to be alone is trauma driven or whether I need solitude

Good topic but the way Jenna spoke to the camera rather than Nicole felt weird. It’s getter to have a genuine conversation with the person next to you and address them rather than the camera/ audience.

I'm going through a divorce. I've definitely used this time to take advantage of your content and book. Why does divorce feel so weird, like I'm losing apart of my life. I keep having thoughts of I won't be able to do that more or build or plan my life with this person anymore. Any advice on how to grow from divorce and work through it? This has been such a difficult thing to work through. I feel very confused and lots of unknown. Thank you so much for the podcast love your work it's such a great help to me

I'm like Nicole. I now don't know how to fill my time. But, I have this strong desire to be like Jenna. 💟💛♥