How To Forgive When It Hurts 

"Keep yourself out of swiping distance" - this is a key one for me. Doesn't mean running back and being "ok" with everything they do - but taking personal accountability to say I forgive you, and I need to look out for myself too.

Forgiveness is more about taking the bricks off our own shoulders. I does not mean we are ok with what happened, it just means we are willing to let go of its weight so we can move on. As incredibly difficult as it can be, it greatly reduces suffering. Excellent video, Julia

I have the hardest time forgiving myself.

Thank you for saying that "hurt people hurt people" just that alone allows me to look at my husband differently and understand why we've both put each other through some things that we have. We are becoming stronger together because of it...

Radical forgiveness from Colin Tipping changed my life SO MUCH! Forgiveness is not for the other but for yourself! ❤️💕

How about a video about forgiving yourself???

Forgiveness to me releases my spirit from carrying pain slimed by another. I love the way you care about our emotional safety. Distance, space & expectation adjustment is healthy. Self-respect & honest to ourselves allows us to be comfortable & confident in our own skin. Thank You Julia for turning on the lights so we can see.

im having a VERY hard time forgiving my dad and my ex boyfriend who was narcissist. i broke down while watching this video. i realized im afraid that if i forgive, what i went through wasn’t valid. like drinking poison and hoping the other person would feel the consequences. im learning and im healing. thank you for this video Ms. Julia!!

I am very appreciative of the work you do on RU-vid. Personally, it has helped me a great deal get in touch with what is going on in my life; things I was not aware of. Thank you, Julia Kristina.

Hello!! I new to your channel and honestly I love every minute of it. Thank you for your encouragement and your uplifting words. Forgiving is something I take seriously even when I am very hurt with someone. Also, ask forgiveness when I hurt someone deeply. I can not move on or think straight until I forgive someone or ask for forgiveness from someone I deeply hurt. God can’t forgive you if you can’t someone so I have learned to that and be at peace even I don’t any relationship with that person anymore. At the end of the day, I know I am the bigger person and ask the person I deeply hurt forgiveness and I feel good about it.

I have so much trouble with forgiveness and letting go, thank you for this video! 💜

Solid vid and discussion!! This was impeccable timing for me as Im just finishing up today a webinar on how and why to forgive. This gives me even more material and perspective to present. Thx!!❤❤ 😁

True foregiveness erases the matter, both for yourself and for the other person. So when you do forgive, you forget. You treat the person like like you would treat yourself when you forgive yourself. True forgiveness lets the matter go. I think when you don't forget, you're still holding on to something.

Thank you for this teaching. Glad you posted it.

I’m 25 years old and the last day I truly cried was when I moved from my childhood home before my last year in high school. I’ve had some close calls but that was before today when I found this channel. As I type this, I’ve only watched one of your videos about being passive aggressive and what it’s about, and I’m only a few seconds into this one and I’m not strong enough to hold back the tears. In this moment I feel like I’ve finally found the reason why my life had felt so empty and dark and why I’m always so insecure with what I say. There are no words to accurately comprehend the astronomical joy I feel for what you have done to change my life. I’m going to watch all of your videos and I hope to come out a better person then I was when I woke up this morning. Just saying thank you isn’t f enough for me to say and is beyond an understatement, I’d consider it an under-appreciated thing to tell you.

Thank you, Julia. I've always been able to forgive without too much difficulty. Depending on whether something was done by accident or carelessness, intentionally, and/or with some degree of malice. After something wrong or hurtful has been done to me, the act forgiveness is kind of an organic process for me where the time between the hurt and beginning the process of forgiveness, and the duration that process are tied to the seriousness of the of the hurt. And all of that rests under "who am I not to forgive someone" when, in fact, I have in the past, or may, in the future, need to be forgiven. Lots of Love back to you.

OMG. This was amazing! Thank you so much. You simplify complication. ☺️✨ Bless you. ☯️

Thanks for speaking on the subject of forgiveness. I've had a hard time with this in the past, but I've since forgave those people that have hurt me. It wasn't easy, but I've basically been focusing on personal growth within myself.

Thank You 🙏 so much for the wonderful video. You are the best Julia.

Your advice is so helpful to me with several dysfunctional areas of my life. I listen and relisten almost daily

This was a very helpful video. Thank you for breaking it down on how to forgive and what it means when you do or don’t. Thank you!

What crazy timing you have. Thank you for this...it helps me to figure out the next step. ❤️

Wow. This was a good one. Thankyou for this information. Thanks for bringing this video to us.

I love, love, love your videos!!! Thank you appreciatively!

My issue is knowing the steps to take with forgiveness. It’s not fear of forgiving but being able to truly let go, forgive, and be able to move forward.

New here. Just subscribed, thank you for all the hard work you do in this field! I need videos like this and soo much more. Very happy I found this channel 🎉❤🎉

Thanks for this video... It really spoke to me and I'll definitely be sharing it 🙂

Thank you me and my gf been struggling I was very self obsorbed at one point in time this really gave me hope among other videos I've watch

Thank you for addressing this. It's very important to me.

This was great! Thank you 🙏🏾

Hi! I'm brand new here and this video resonated with me. I am just beginning to forgive myself. And yes, it's really hard. Thank you for sharing this!

Thanks for the best help, i needed this most right now, ❤

How did we manage to live our emotional life before Julia came to us. Thank the Universe for Julia and modern technology.

Very helpful! Thank you. This answered what I instinctively knew to do but when its family and its chronic. Thank you.

i'm really goin through this prob rn and it's been months since quarantine started, i do forgive but i can't easily seem to forget, almost everyday i will have flashbacks about it and cry sometimes, it's really hard as it haunts my mind, i've never feel like this before, your vid helps me in some way :')

Thank you and happy new year! 🎈 If I was a Facebook member I would join. Facebook is not me, (socially speaking). I want to thank you for wisdom and insight. I have been working on this topic since 2007 when I experienced defamation of character from a car accident I did not cause and it literally destroyed my family. Since then (some people who are not even worth the letters of this keyboard as I type), have been nothing short of a side of humanity that I find sickening. These ideas are good reminders from the perspective of anyone, any organization and humanity. I find some peace ✌️ in the goodness of your counseling. ❤️

Love your videos! Thank you so much!

Thank u for sharing such a informative video That’s what I needed to know I got watch it once agin!!!

Hi Julia!!! All of your ideas and advices are great, beautiful and fantastic. I think I have issue with forgetting ( I got get it what people did to us) which is not healthy as you said. Thank you so much !!!

Yes, this was helpful. I appreciate your videos and take so much away from them. Thank you.

Extremely helpful. Thank you!

I had put some distance between myself and the other.. But wasn't sure what to define it as-out of swiping distance is certainly the right phrase for it. Thank you so much. This clarifies what I am experiencing now.

Ask yourself what they are offering toward the relationship was a big lightbulb 💡 moment for me. Thank you❤

Thank you for this video❤️

Thank you Julia for this helpful video. Let’s get deeper

I forgive from a distance. If/when I feel there is a willingness on my family’s part to treat me kindly and lovingly.. I will continue to stay away. That’s up to them. I accept who they are and what they did.. it’s over. It brought me to here.. I didn’t force myself to forgive.. I just naturally started to as I was healing and focusing more on what I value, who I am, and behaviors I did and didn’t like in myself. Thanks for the video. 🙏

So glad I found this channel :)

So refreshing and helpful - thank you :))

I needed this so badly today thank you

Perfect advise! 💓

Your videos are an oasis of sane reality and helpfull advice in the wide offer o bad "info" on youtube. Greteings from mexico.

Super helpful, thank you so much 😊

Forgiveness involves setting healthy boundaries. If you aren't forgiving someone it can only mean they violated a boundary of yours. That person needs to convince you it's not to be done anymore.

Thanks for this video ☺️

So helpful! I definitely struggle with proceeding in the relationship because it feels like forgiving gives them a pass. But I like the framework that you described it in.... and am going to try really hard to implement that idea.

Thank you for making these videos! This subject was particularly illuminating and couldn't have been more timely! My younger and disabled sister who lives with me is the swipe. After our fallouts I always find myself saying "I'm done." As her legal caregiver I can't be done but it doesn't make it any easier living with a cynical, negative, and short-tempered person. For the most part I simply carry on. However, there are clearly moments such as today that my mood is still effected and a couple of nice things I had planned to do I no longer feel like doing to make her life easier during this pandemic lockdown. I can her forgive again. But staying out of swiping distance I have to learn. Do I still need to do nice things or set them aside? We're both in our sixties and have been living together for about two years due to her health circumstances. Thank you again for all that you do. Jan

Thankyou for your comfort ❤

Forgiveness is one aspect of self love. It's letting go of the past bad situation. Your technique I like much.

Very good videos, very helpful. Impressive work Kristina. Can you make video series on dealing with narcissistic people, workplace toxicity

I really like this video. It's so practical and pragmatic and emotional at the same time. I've always had trouble with forgiveness I still don't understand it. The thing I do understand is you can forgive and avoid, not trust, treat people as human beings. My Philosophy is, hello how are you nice to see you goodbye. I don't know what famous person said the following, , but "not forgiving is like swallowing poison and hoping it kills the other person." Not likely Now if you're married to the person, that's a different animal. I really love that wounded bear analogy. I'm thinking that bear would be a member of your household or your family , hopefully that family member has forgiven themselves for what they did to you oh, then you can move on with them as usual. Yes? because everybody else can be kept at a distance.

Something I saw: The foolish never forgive or forget The naive forgive and forget The wise forgive but never forget - herein lies the lesson!

I went through a situation in Mexico with a community member whom I had thought was a really good friend. I know that the basis of my hurt comes from the expectation I had towards this person. I was going to move to Mexico to my “community” and I had been working 7 days straight for almost 2 years before I could finally see them and when I did, I experienced intense and terrible treatment from this person. So besides the sap story, it’s been difficult for me to forgive her, not because of what she did, but because of where I had placed her in my priority list. I had deemed her a part of my “safe place” and realized she was not safe. And since then, it’s been difficult because I want to move abroad, but I can’t help but think that I will be obligated to see this person again as a common courtesy thing. Ugh. What a gross feeling. I like the explanation of someone not being emotionally safe. It reminds me that I’m not obligated to be around someone who is not safe to be around. Now it’s just the work of me leaving this experience behind and not dealing with this emotional weight anymore. I’m not quite sure how to do it… my logical mind is set and knows, but my emotional mind is still attached to what happened.

Thank you. Tough one. Complicated.

Yeah, "swiping distance". My sister, who is 2 yrs. younger, and I fought a lot growing up. She would hit so i hit back- then she'd cry and I'd get spanked for hitting my little sister... Until one day my dad was watching and saw what she would do...Well, that helped but as the years went by she would still do things to get me into trouble. And in her later years it was not fun because she had a mental illness which made her say crappy things and write letters with, well, crazy stuff in them. I tried to forgive because she wasn't well. But it was very hard and Then she died and I actually felt relief. So did our two younger sisters. There was no real closure..She thought all was forgiven because she "confessed" to god...Sure didn't do much for me or the sisters...Thank you for your words and I'm glad I found your RU-vid! Peace. I was going to hit send but i had another thought... I would trigger her when I saw and felt her wrath coming on.....so it wasn't all her doings. Lots of edits...

Very helpful. I love the mental image of the wounded bear because this is what I'm able to remember in the heat of the moment or maybe 1 month ahead. Thank you very much.

Love this thank you 🙏

I loved this video, something I actually needed, You never fail to make your viewers feel good, Could you please make a video on loneliness and how to deal with it? As in having no friends, these thoughts are really getting overwhelming for me :))

This is exactly I am. Trying to figure out a friendship that has just about destroyed me(there were other factors too) unbeknownst to her she does what she does. Soon, (when I work it out & gain strength & courage) she will get an explanation, she deserves that. As far as the friendship, I don't know where that stands right now.

It is hard to forgive sometimes. Depending on what it is, you know? I'm going to try to do this. Pray everyday for those people for 2 weeks straight and all should be good. It's hard but can be done. Ty for you 🙏 Also, not all hurt people hurt people.

Hi! I am back. Your videos are really helpful & supportive. Thank you.🌹

this video was very helpful

This was very helpful

Just because you forgive someone it does not mean you have to wipe the slate clean as if nothing ever happened. . Forgiveness means you are willing to give them another chance but they also have to put in their fair share of actions if we are going to let them stay in our lives. Forgiveness is also for your own sake of not remaining resentful since that feeling really only hurts you. You choose to keep them at a distance for the short or long term.

Hi my name is Alison I relate and my journey is me trying to forgive myself for being angry, for feeling hurt, I am trying to learning how worthy I am. I had learnt to believe that I am unworthy so I am learning that is not true and how much this belief has held me back!

Thank you 🙏

Thanks was great.

Forgiving is one thing but I'll never be able to forget them doing that just to get their way in life...which in turn makes it more difficult for me to even forgive. That's partially why I've found it extremely difficult, when you say as if it wasn't important.

Never fear. The deepest truest desire ever to forgive but not knowing how. No one ever explains how.

So much so in relationship with others!

Thanks Julia

To be honest, even if I do something really small and something that won't cause a big problem... the small problem tends to be so hard for me to forgive myself.

Thank you.

Could you please make a video about forgiving ourselves for self-sabotage?

Thank you.... ❤️

I truly tried to just keep my mother at arms length but her to I it’s became too much so now I’m estranged from my parents. It was one of the best decisions of my entire life. She was a wound that festered and oozed until I cut it out. I forgive her and feel sorry and compassion for her, but I’m much healthier without her abuse and drama.

I don't feel fear, im disappointed, pissed off, hurt, they owe me an apology, answers etc, but i know I have to somehow forgive for the apology that i haven't & probably will not get in the best way possible...

Thanks Julia🙏❤️, forgiveness is a process. I use a recording of Leo when I struggle to forgive. It's available at our blog selfhelpchampion under Therapy

Great video. Thank you! How do you communicate that to the person you're trying to forgive? How do you say you're keeping your distance? I don't wanna hurt her, but can't afford to be around her. She's toxic, and we share a father. Struggling with this one.

I don't have any fear about forgiving... My question would be do I want to forgive them ???

Period.🙏

Love this saying the wounded bear 🐻 taking a swipe . I have realised I got out the area of this unsafe zone . I don’t forgive easily especially people that treat me so bad such as narcissist. Or an ex bullying boss . I will come round to other hurts in time.

I feel super stuck. I'm wondering if unaddressed traumas would be a contributing factor.

How do you keep out of swiping distance when they are family and keep popping up at family get togethers

Hi Julia! What if the person that we're struggling to forgive is our spouse?

Tell me please WHERE is out of swiping distance? And HOW to forgive when the consequences of betray od my mother still persist in my life? First i have repeated the same mistake again and again-I had got closer to her after forgave her. She suprised me again and hurt me again. Then I underarood that i have to keep her out of most things that I go through in my life to keep the distance, something like this. I struggled with this a little bit because we were really close to each other but i started to not tell her some things,set the boundaries.But i struggle with IT Also. 1/ I realized I do not know where exactly is the boundary of swiping distance with the mother -because she wants to meet me, She wants go for a coffee and chat,give me meal which she had prepared ... BUT every time with her is for me like controling of myself what to say and what to not say,and checking my boundaries every minute. Just I have on my mind what she did to me the last time. Mainly she wants to pretend that nothing happened. I am not possible to just telephone her once a week and ask her how she is going(because its not so easy for me- to keep this distance) 2/ I have realized that after she treted me so bad one time (a year ago) I am not able to take it impersonal this time anymore,i can not forgive her anymore,i dont want to forgive her... Because when THIS drama happened after several weeks of silence treatment, I push myself to be in contact with her again after she had iniciated the contact first. I set the boundary-select informations even more not to talk about me. Everything seemed to be perfect. I did it because she is also my mother,she is old and I feel fear that she can die soon. BUT. i have realized the thing. Everytime i feel the consequence in my life because of her last betray which I have to pay for (literally)I blame her again. And everything is back again= i feel betraied,hurt,angry.... I realized I can not be with or without her. I do not want to forgive her while I feel the consequence of her betray that I have to deal with alone. When I blame her, she blames me and tells me things that hurt me even more. So i dont want to talk with her anymore. Please, advice, Julia, somebody else? Thankss......

Hi Julia , thank you for this . I have a question I've been struggling with . after being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for so long, I find that I can not exactly express what I mean By "emotional abusive an mental abuse" I need the words to express this , but I cant find them . can you help ?

Forgiving and excusing aren't the same thing. Once you understand that difference you'll know what it means to forgive yourself correctly and responsibly. Oh and say how you're feeling as truthfully as you can without blaming your feelings on the other person; how it hurts and it's implications/affects on you and that, if you want to, you look for the situation to be repaired by sketching out as accurately as possible (even if it's done badly - just go over it again and edit and/or add to it like you've written or expressed a bad first draft of an essay) - about what happened, what or who is responsible for any actions carried out, who involved is at fault if applicable (figured out if it was done intentionally knowing full well what would happen detrimentally if the action is carried out, rather than as a genuine unintentional mistake that wouldn't be repeated if known through hindsight), and it's impacts, and what we can do to repair it, as well as how and, as an extra motivating incentive, why. Once that process is delved into, you'll get closer to figuring out how to make insightful use of the problematic situation to lessen the harm as well as to work towards a better place simultaneously. That way, you can begin that process of forgiveness and justifying it with a stronger, compelling reason to remove holding onto the heavily crippling burden, and along with that, justify your emotional pain and suffering and consequently answer them so that they then begin to stabilise in return for you walking that process through, theoretically/psychologically/analytically and practically. With this, you don't forget or have excused or "brushed it off"... but you justified it by learning about it. And that's good because it's a piece of wisdom that serves as memorable tool for your toolkit.

I hated myself due to someone who broken me . I am scared he would be stronger than me and got what he wanted from me. He is studying the same sbject with me , this drove me so anxious

You are out of this world amazingly stunningly great and brilliant xxxxxxxxxxxx I solute to your brilliantness you are number one xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I blame myself for not being able to forgive my ex friend...she deserved a second chance “maybe”...but I couldn’t trust her in anyway....and I even failed at keeping a distance because she gets upset when I do...she wanted me to act like nothing happened but I COULD’NT I swear I tried my best...and keeping a distance will make our friendship means nothing...so I just ended it I was done with the fear of being hurt again and I realized that feeling in my gut that’s telling me not to forgive her is there for a reason my heart is trying to protect me and she didn’t even promise not to do it again!!! she wasn’t sorry and she never admitted that she did anything wrong in the first place..so I’m not a bad person for not letting this go and not letting her back into my life am I?💔