How To Stop Being Defensive - Fight or Flight Response 

I'm breathing real deep right now. - I'm easily put on the defensive. My fight or flight system hijacks my body, and I don't like it. My defensiveness has a negative effect on my relationships 100%. I'm trying to change how defensive I am. Wish me luck.

I usually don't care what people think of me, but the fight or flight response is strong if I care for someone on a deep level.

"What other people think of you is none of your business." This is awesome. I'd always just assumed it was my right to know what so and so thought about me. Because it was about ME. Awesome job yet again Dr. Paul.

I wish they had all his classes throughout school, especially positivity ones, it would help the world I think.

Big problem here. Emotional response is much faster than the mental thought to breathe. Yes, if we have TIME to REMEMBER to breathe then ALL techniques work.

Thanks, I've noticed I'm defensive a lot and am pretty ashamed of it now that I realized it on my own

I was the scapegoat of my narcissist family. So it’s hard not to be defensive or try to prove something sometimes but I have been working on myself a lot! Thanks for the video 💯🙏🏽

As someone who get bullied in school, I often get into defensive state. It's already passed years ago, but I'm still get into that defensive state.

I have also heard that FEAR could also mean face Everything and recover.

I think the most permanent way to change ultra defensiveness is to come to a real understanding that your perception is messed up and broken. You are not responding correctly to anything because you have a constant angry lens over your mind that you have to find away to get rid of it without killing yourself. This may take some intense therapy and uprooting and forgiveness.

Doctor Paul, I've just found you and love your simple, no nonsense reminders to relax, let go and just breathe. You've also just helped me to see that how my boss, who ought to thank God for me daily, is a total stinker to me... its HIS insecurity and defensiveness each time I go the extra mile. You're amazing! Thank you!

0:35 This is Because of Your Brain 0:55 The Fight or Flight Response 1:05 The Limbic System 3:10 Defensiveness Validates Accusation 4:45 Breathe 6:45 What Other People Think About You is None of Your Business 7:15 Feedback is Information on how that Person EXPERIENCES Me 8:45 Metacognition is Thinking About Our Own Thinking

I struggle really hard with working on not being defensive with my current partner due to previous unhealthy relationships in my life. This video was a lovely and helpful watch for both of us. Thank you!

He is funny with his animated features. Good video

Great video. I’ve often taken things too personal. I would love to not get defensive at all.

I love your energy !!! Great video.

Thank you so much for posting this. I’m slowly realizing how defensive and negative I have been for so long. I got diagnosed with PTSD and nearly gave up because it just seemed so hopeless. I got saved in March and have a long way to go, videos like this help so much

Beat video on this I’ve ever seen!!! Thank you so much. You have seriously helped me more than you can think! 👌🙏🙏 love from New Zealand

Dr. Paul, you are great! Thank you!

Dr Paul, thank you so much for this explanation. I have been struggling with this lately and what you say makes so much sense. Thanks again.

I get defensive pretty quickly especially on subjects that are close to home for me , I don’t like how defensive I am , but people always act like it’s something I can control and just decide not to do . Like today my whole class was trying to defend and justify the ‘super straight’ thing going on , and I got defensive when they started trying to justify it and kept getting more and more people against me . Then my TEACHER started talking like I was the one in the wrong just because I was getting upset and feeling attacked . This really bugs me and no one wants to try to get it , they just hate me for feeling attacked when they’re saying something that feels hurtful to me .

"That person experiences me as an idiot" "Feedback is information, primarily information on the person giving the feedback" That's great! Thank you!

Thank you for your help today!

This is so helpful! Thank you!

"that person experiences me as an idiot" 🤣🤣🤣

Even if this video is 4 years old, it’s still helping people like me get over the feeling of always being defensive. Thank you so much! The last part of the video was def valuable to me

This is an incredibly insightful video, thank you!

Damn thank you, I sought this out because I am defensive. Big time

I like this. Dr. really welcoming and accurate

Mr. Jenkins, you seem like a really good person. Thank you

THANK YOU SO MUCH! The breathing exercise HELPED !! The entire video helped.

I loved it! Never thought about it in that way. Crystal clear! 🤔💅 Thank you, Doctor. Kind regards

Thank you! This gave me a deeper understanding of why he gets so explosive over the smallest things. I appreciate you!

Great video 😍so helpful. Thanks!

Good commentary. Loved hearing your reference to metacognition. People also need to learn about meta-awareness...aware of being aware and noticing what we notice. Thank you. 🙏🏻

Wow amazing! Helped me so much

Wow this was so helpful. I really learned more about my self by watching this video. Thank you so much for this content.

This has changed my life. Thank you ❤️

This information is golden! Thanks doc

That was so helpful ! Thank you!! I’ll be using this technique tomorrow , metorecognition 😊

Thanks! This is very hepful video!

Wow! just really, really wow... Great teaching!

Ah this makes so much sense. I reacted to something that put someone I care about in an uncomfortable position. Tonight I decided I have to heal this.

This was very helpful because I never knew how much I struggled with this and for a long time, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal because I was stupidly comparing my reactions to my partner’s pain that I was causing them. Thank you Dr. P!

Thanks man this video really helps, especially the breathing tip. I'm on the verge of losing one of my friends because of my defensiveness, and I don't want that to happen. I'm starting to work on it, so I don't lose that friendship. I been watching other videos that also been helping. This one helped as well so thank you.

Thank you brain!

Over awareness of adrenaline from fight or flight. Breathing takes the ATTENTION off the awareness of the adrenaline and what it's warning the body about, and putting it on breathing. The problem here is being aware that your over reactive to your senses. If your aware of feeling not quite right all the time, your going to be the one who is defensive first as your more aware of adrenaline than others. These kinds of people love movement as it calms that over sensitivity. We, me being one, can see things happening almost before they happen do to the over awareness of the senses. Action movies are on the menu cause you can see the action in slow motion, however when there is some sort of interaction between yourself and someone else, your also the first to be self aware of any negativity in the conversation, why, because you can feel the adrenaline first. Even knowing what it is still is hard to control as the body is just doing it's job of making you aware of a threat, and your over aware of the threat or the adrenaline associated with the threat.

Thank you Dr Paul Jenkins 😁 I looked up this video when I made myself aware of how defensive I am towards people and situations 🤦‍♀️ It’s embarrassing.. Like how you said being defensive validates acquisition..

Thank God for RU-vid and its good people content!!!

Perceived! Wow, shuts down thinker. so breathe! You said so many good things.

So good ❤️

I learned this exact breathing technique in therapy yrs ago. I really works.

You are Inspiration my friend

Another thing is we must learn how to submit to people. There’s something that pops into my mind whenever I’m about to fight the defensive emotion. Something makes me see it like am about to submit to the person and due this my defensive emotion gets even more stubborn. I’m ready to change things

excellent advice! Thank you. "what someone else thinks about me is none of my business"...

Solution: discern and block attacker = problem solved. First step is to set bounderies and dont interract with narcissists lol. Thanks for the video :)

This video is… like… the answer to so many of my problems. Haha! Maybe if I listen to it on repeat I can brainwash myself into thinking this way in the heat of the moment! That’s the problem with me. When the tension is high I react completely differently than when it isn’t. And sometimes I kneejerk get offended at things that later I’m like “that was clearly a joke” or “I wish I hadn’t reacted to that with negative assumptions”. It seems like this stuff flies out the window when I get upset. Maybe the key is to meditate more so that I more readily think of taking calm breaths or of being more charitable toward others.

Thx sir u solved many plms.god bless u.

I liked this video.

Thanks for being a part of my team.

"It's simple. It's brain science." :D

That exercise helped i will do it it from now

This was helpful

I really like your sense of humor.😄😄😆😆 Subscribed. Greetings from the Netherlands. 🇳🇱🇳🇱🇳🇱🇳🇱 ( you're the kind of person that laughs really hard about your own jokes right? 😄 Me too. Hahaha Of course that's very understandable. If I wouldn't find the joke funny I wouldn't make it. Haha)

I appreciate you greatly

Thank you

My 17 year old said all you needed to say was "chill". That's how a teen sums up your video. I thought the video was awesome.

Omg I have anxiety and I literally have wondered if I’m slow! 😂😂 but its because of my fight or flight response

Mine kicks in all the time Notes: 1. Your brain will always defend. Manage your flight or fight. Relax and focus on the solution. Breath 2. Other people's opinion doesn't matter. It's only feedback of what that person is experiencing. 3. What is happening that the situation becomes as it is. Defensive>Validation

Better every day 💙

Thanks a lot

My goodness, this is my problem. The program is deep. I know and aware when I get defensive but my body will automatically react.

thanks.

Apparently I’ve been struggling with being defensive for a lot longer than I’ve been aware of it. Unfortunately for me that nature is now leaking into other areas of my life and I have no idea on how to stop it when it’s become apart of my personality. Being defensive has led me to have a pessimistic, negative tone when I used to come off very friendly and bubbly to new people. Now everyone I meet just wants to stay away from me until I have this under control :(

I watch ur video before breakfast. I lv u Great

He sounds like Bill Clinton 😂 But the breathing technique did help!

This is excellent! But realistically if someone says something to us in our face, are we really going to breathe like that in front of that person then respond?

I always learn a lot from the information you share. I’m interested to learn about improving communication with my partner who is immediately defensive in any conversation with slightly differing opinions. Assuming nefarious intent when I state an opinion or confuse a question with interrogation. It’s exhausting and Limits me to shallow small talk . Is there anything I can do? Can I change my behaviour to support a nonjudgmental platform?

I feel great breathing, I was doing it few weeks ago. It was some normal breathing techniques. I really felt great while doing it.

Does it make me wierder. If someone accused me then my respon is breathing

Dr.Paul I too duck and move out of the way when I’m watching an intense movie scene lol

😂😂😂 this is awesome thanks cuz I know this person who gets mad at me just because I laugh and assumes I laugh at her 🤣🤣🤣🔥👌

Interesting

Hi you are so right in what your saying after watching your video once and already I have been using what your saying and helps so much going to keep listen to it so I know it word for word thank you so much your doing so much great work oh and your funny lol Could you do you a video on ADHD I have 20 systems of it

Thanks for the video. I know for a fact I get defensive but I never knew the reason why. So my question is how long should I breathe before responding?

Thanks for the video! I just wondered; I've become more and more defensive minded in the last 8 months due to social isolation, and I feel, a lack of self esteem... And I have a tendency to do meta cognition as you called it - more often than not these days anyway. My question is though: when engaging in that process, where does someone draw the line between actually realising you've behaved or said something wrong; and just ruminating and believing everyone else's criticism must be right? How do you find that balance?

Makes sense to me. But then again, it is all about me, isn’t it?

I started giggling before I finished my second exhale 😂 Feels gooooood 🤤🤤

OK 1. You're hilarious. 2. The way you explained this along with the tips, may have solved by tendency to gaslight my partner when she criticises me or complains about my behaviour.

It’s perspective and you can’t control someone else’s perspective. You cant control their experience so you cant control their perspective. This is great for real negatives, but my experience seems more perceived than real threats.

My wife likes to cross my boundaries. She likes to tell me when people die . Hey Bill died. I’m not ready for it, and it causes panic . Happened Sat. I’m just driving and relaxing, etc and she blurts out so and so died. Puts me in a bad mood... she doesn’t understand ptsd. I’m free to decide, took awhile but I snapped into a better mood, by being kind to others acting happy etc. One day at a time. I forget the Breathing when I get irritated... Here to remind myself about the breathing. 😁. Was pulled into a debate about the Bible this weekend, and voting . A three day debate with a preacher ( texting).... Went well. The phone call from a political person went well also. Being in toast masters has helped with how I speak to people. Thank you for this video.

I feel like I have to be on edge these days around others or else they will assume wrong of me… it’s like people like to judge and I pick up on that.. does this make sense for anyone else maybe ?

I get so defensive over bs because of stuff from the past even if they didn’t mean something bad

Prefrontal cortex rocks! Metacognetics.

Him yelling "Don't be Defensive!" Me "Man, I don't know who you think you're yellin at like that!" I see what you did there you lil sneaky sneak.

I will say there are people who even if you say how you feel, and you are careful in what you say, and tactful they will get defensive anyway. They do not want to be held accountable and use that behavior to shut you down. In my experience I detach as clearly empathy is lacking. I understand if someone is verbally attacking you and feeling the inclination to get defensive but it really doesn't solve anything. My exfriend would behave in this way when I would muster up the courage to speak my truth of how I feel. It truly made me feel like it wasn't safe to be honest so I ended up withholding how I felt then she would accuse me of not being honest. When someone is punished for being honest one learns to withhold information. It ruins relationships. Can you speak to that?

Time when i become defensive is in dark places i have very strong fear of darkness that when i'm outside during winter time my arms rise at height where my lungs are and then i am ready to either fight or escape my friend asked me why i do this and my answer was i don't do this at my free will it just happens

If someone experiences me as an idiot, that means I am being an idiot. Therefore if he accuses me of it, It still makes sense for my brain to be defensive. i don’t see how this technique would help. Could u clarify some more please? I really appreciate your content. Thank you.

Im literally so upset and crying💀

I am very defensive. But I do it very, very, quietly. I keep my distance from everybody.