How to STOP Obsessing On Someone You Can't Have. 

Yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

Absolutely true . U can fall in love with the fantasy, but it is not who they really are, and its not fair on them either .

Why would she go to a city when it sounds like she likes the pastoral life

Exactly

Can you give me any tips please ? What can I start doing to help myself get over a person who does not want me anymore

@Commentator. Thank you, there is hope for me then. It is hard and pain are recurring. Thanks x

@@sunnysunflower5513 I believe most sources would tell you this: concentrate on your life and your inner sense of self. This is what I am trying to do with my life now. I had to end my friendship/limerant-ship and it’s been kinda tough. But it was for the best to do this. I didn’t use exactly the phrases Anna suggests, but I believe I did fairly well. He was/is avoidant, so I figured he might just be relieved that I laid everything out to end it. However, like Anna mentions, there’s still some hurt feelings that will only get uglier if we were to extend things (or try to) as “friends”.

​@@sunnysunflower5513first of all, forget platitudes because this is a fight. - acknowledge negative feelings but do not linger. Every time the rejection pops into your brain, say out loud, "yeah, that sucks but I'm ready to move on." This will help interrupt your thought process so you can get on with your day. -I cannot stress enough how right Anna is about staying away from this person. On social media and in real life. If you have mutual friends, you're just going to have to forego some social events for right now. Think of it as the cost of doing business to help yourself heal. - pick a project or a hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with a member of the opposite sex and complete it. - after a rejection, I make a list of tasks to complete. The night before I fill up my entire day the next day, I make sure every minute is accounted for even brushing my teeth and getting dressed.. then the next day I go through the list, I complete the tasks and check them off. That way if my brain starts to spiral into a negative or limerent direction I pull up the list and keep going it gets me back into reality and helps me keep up with self-care even when I'm feeling rejection. These are things that helped me I hope they help you too.

I have just realized and heard about limerance . I had Malignant Narc female bio parent and in-laws and spouse. With decades of no positive relationships, I fell into the fantasy world. Oh ! The fantasy world is soooooo good. But my logical brain was in fight that it cannot be true or real. I snapped my logical brain and went into fantasy. Accidentally I came across info on Limerence. First thing I did was to acknowledge that it was not my fault or the other. My logical brain took hold slowly. Now I have a list of 10 things to do as daily routine which includes meditation, reading, walking etc and this is acting and helping me to be grounded and to live in present and not future day dreaming which is what limerance does. I am almost out of limerance this time. I will be working with that person but no more fantasy or dreaming as I am out of it. Thanks for your work Anna

Excellent progress! -Cara@TeamFairy

What a good ethical descision. I tend to see it as a bad sign if i turn to tarot, it means someone confuses me and i cant get clarity with them trying to get clarity elsewhere to be able to maintain the relationship.

Gosh, as a formerly limerent person, I'm so glad I never fell into the twin flame community. So toxic and delusional.

Gosh can I tell you I have had an obsession with psychic readings regarding a limeranr situation which is so difficult and I just ‘needed to know’ even though of all the psychics I have doormen with and I’m talking MANY I would have spent 10,000 dollars and nothing ever came true , but it kept me hanging on. So so dangerous. Finally coming out the other side but gosh it was so hard

@@Msannaberbthat is a great way to think and be. It can get addictive let me tell you. It’s fucked up i know

Wow! What a fabulous idea! -Cara@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you all for what you do!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

😂 I lije this one

This is such a great idea. Thank you.

Beautiful idea!! I’m going to use this and share :)

Agree, but limerence tricks me into feeling like I'm in love with my LO. And that it is true love.. On the surface, it looks like it. Kissing her picture on my nightstand seems so genuine and right. Even innocent and sweet. Yet it's a creepy, bullshit fraudulent fantasy that my mind won't let go. Because it's as good things can get right now. And to be honest, that's really the truth. At least in my life it is.

​@MarkJoseph omg I thought i was the only one who did this. I'm glad I stopped because i really had a chokehold on myself... 😢 ugh. Coping mechanisms keep us afloat but trapped

Exactly!!! Never even knew such a word exists in spite reading soooo many psycho literature and visiting therapist for years!

Once I finally faced reality and ended the madness a real person showed up for a real relationship. And the feelings I have for them are just as good, only better

Hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Just remember, a lot of us were deep into limerence, we touched the "don't even want to get better" levels of depression, yet here we are. Now we have hobbies, fulfilling careers, people around us with whom we can share our incredible love, and they are safe and they appreciate it. It's possible. I know it can seem so far away, so unreachable, because that's exactly how it felt for me. I promise you, one day you will just be alone at your home, maybe reading, maybe drawing, maybe sipping some tea, and you will feel so grateful for your own company and enjoy the simple thing you're doing, without the need for anyone to validate you in order to enjoy that. And you will just smile. Maybe even laugh out loud in delight :) Because us who went through this shit know how to appreciate that peace of mind very well. Stay strong, we're all rooting for you ❤️

@@littlehuman7028 Thanks my friend. I think half of my problem is the fact I am alone all the time anyway. I am an only-child and my own children do not live with me. I have a hard time attracting women and am filled with regret for the reasons surrounding my divorce 12 years ago... My LO came into view by sheer accident. I never planned to crush so hard over her. I mean I thought she was always very attractive and I would see her around at work every day, but when our eyes met for the first time, I fell hard and fast, like a plane falling out of the sky. I have never felt this way about anybody in my life. Haven't been the same since. Its crazy.. So this is all new uncharted territory for me.

Thanks for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you for your pain. I can relate. I have yet to see any letters the fairy reads coming from a man experiencing limerence, so your comment is enlightening and balancing to the picture.

@@colleenanderson6469 There was a letter she read from a man in one of the earlier limerence vids. Not sure which one. I have connected with a few other men on here who experience this. Good not to be alone in the struggle.

@@RubysDude I hope your doing well and I’m sorry you have gone through this like so many of us have.I let 10 years of my life pass and I kept taking him back for him to leave again. trauma bond, the legend Limerence sucks.I just wanted to say hello and I see you had ruby in your profile. I work at a little Italian restaurant named Ruby’s recipes.

For me too, unbelievable! The videos are often about what i need at that moment.

Facts! ❤

ME TOO

Same girl same!

Yeah mine is getting worse

But there are solutions! -Cara@TeamFairy

I often wonder myself how will I ever heal from this. How will I feel true, genuine, reciprocated love and happiness.. When my LO gives me so much empty happiness.

She foes not say that there is no end to limerance: it says that you need to come clean, expres your felings and, so, do the step to transforme that into a close relationship or a REAL relationship. Just be careful because if you do not worck at yourself, you will dump the person you are whit for another limerance, later in time.

I’ve been living in the limerance hell for 2 years and no end in sight 😣

Yeah, I’m a 40 year old dude. but I’ve heard it on social media quite often and have used it myself a couple of times 😂😂

Great insight, thank you!

Almost all thr younger generation use it. Wow.

I’ve definitely dealt with that….

You are so welcome! I know it can be difficult trying to stop that sort of thinking, but it is so worth it. Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Absolutely SAME here!!! There’s actually a name for what I’m dealing with and the fact that I have felt destroyed inside is valid. It’s time to move on now.

I hear you, I know it can be incredibly challenging trying to form new relationships. Anna offers a course called 'Dating and Relationships' that sounds like a great fit for you, here is the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy

I agree it sucks

This is me for sure

You summarise everything deep within me 😢

Me too...

I understand the feeling, but it's absolutely not too late. I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy

How do you stop it?

@@cheesedip1 In my case it was mainly: having enough of humiliating myself. Plus having a real life partner helps too.

@@cheesedip1 You could just tell yourself not to pursue the LO. But its not that easy, I get it. Another option is the LO goes away. Which is no fault of yours (or I guess it could be) but not having them in view is helpful. Because then not seeing them, by default, you are releasing them from your mind. Doesn't mean you won't miss them though. It's a bitch no matter what happens, so good luck with whatever method you do use to stop limerence.

​@RubysDude My limerant object absolutely went away, in no uncertain terms,and has remained perfectly No Contact ever since, but that did not stop me from obsessing about the future plans we had made, or from nurturing the hope, even the conviction, that he would return. It has taken me an embarrassing number of years, and finding Anna 9 months ago, to finally release me. Mostly.

That's a good question. I been there and done that. And maybe limerence was the very thing or one of the things that aided me in growing out. It takes, and should take time.

Ouch. I hope you find a beautiful reciprocal love affair.

See this is making me feel like I have always been lied to about every value I ever thought I brought to any situation. Nobody likes me and so I need to stop living and trying because it does not bring any value and I am obviously worthless because no one really loves me and I love everyone (juxtaposed to me in this life) too much. Without some little limerence, what joy do I have to look forward to in my life? It really doesn't matter to me if folks love me back anymore. I've already learned that no one really loves me...

And...I'll add... Just because someone is "older," it doesn't necessarily make them more mature. An older, immature person has just been repeating their bad habits for a lot longer. Your revelation is gold!

I can admit to a degree that OCD has a place in my behavior patterns. Not overbearing but I am a neat freak. Especially about dirt in my car. Or things being tidy and orderly around the house. Comparing to limerence works, but if I don't get around to vacuuming or tidying up, I don't get emotional. Unlike I do when things don't go my way, especially when it comes to my LO.. I can become emotional, moody and sad quite often. Usually breaking down. It's like a roller coaster. I feel like with her, it's a whole new level of feelings I struggle to understand. It's something I never saw coming. And I pray God will help me figure it out. I also am curious if some of the reason I am this way is because the lack of control I experienced with love and sexual desires in my younger years.

Thank you for saying this, I felt the same way

I was in limerence, I believe. He was far away and treated me terribly. Hopefully I know better now.

I feel like there is a physical connection with mental stuff.. like parasites and certain toxins and needing to detox those.❤ rather than trying to go toward another parasite and keep the toxicity going, cleanse the body , cleanse the mind. (Heart)

I went out with one of my Limerence fantasy men once and he was actually pretty awful, terrible anger issues, compulsive liar, and I ended up leaving him. So, limerence doesn't mean the person's actually good for you or heals your Limerence from the next one. 😂 That's why I'm here!

Those INFP things are really baseless so you know. Pop psych is turning mental health into a horoscope.

So essentially you went to pop psych when all you needed was basic Freud…

@X MBTI is just useful shorthand for talking about very broad categories of personality, it doesn't have to be literal. But I'm sure your comment was a thinly veiled accusation that I lack intelligence for referring to that, right?

I totally understand this. Hugs towards your recovery!

Yes, this!

Let go !!! It’s time focus on something real ❤

Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Much appreciated! Thank you!

The irony behind this post is that you have to remember that all people no matter how confident they appear are insecure and needy Why because humans are built for human connection Therefore you have to realize that people who make successful connections to other people have the same voids that people who do not make connections with people have Therefore some of the most insecure and needy people are the ones that strategically try to secure a long-term relationship because they do not want to deal with being alone and they will do anything to avoid that There is nothing wrong with any of us who have a healthy capacity to love ourselves and others and literally seek human connection it is completely and totally normal I appreciate it

"a little village in Ireland" LOL that's really funny! I get it though, limerence is a tornado that doesn't stop with a sweet name :) You can do this! -Cara@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I hope the Irish government doesn't complain that this will hurt their tourism.

​@@brianarbenz7206haha it sounds like Limerick indeed and most tourists should best avoid there anyway 😂😂😂

@@jenster29 Limerence is a place tourists only fantasize about visiting. It's inaccessible, but some people feel they just have to go there, so they obsess on it.

​@@brianarbenz7206 You are brilliant!

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

what is L.E.?

@@Msannaberb Limerent experience 👍

Are you saying that catfish use limerence to their advantage to use against people who fall in love easily and in a misguided way?

I keep seeing this catfish thing what does this term mean pleads

@@Breeandfree I'd say it's when someone says and does things that lead you to believe they're available romantically/sexually for you but then they have no intention of any real step forward and they have no problem just cutting ties completely at any point in time. There's lots of reasons people will lead others on like this and it never comes from a healthy place but the limerence we can have for them doesn't come from a healthy place either. That's why it's important to make your intentions/feelings clear early on because it's always better to get rejected by a catfish early than to keep getting lead on and then dropped after it all

@@phillfraggy Yes, I am saying that they take advantage of limerance and use it as part of the con. They're very good at coming up with reasons why they're not available but pretending they want to be more than anything. That's how they string their victims along.

@@Breeandfree Catfishing is a deliberate, malicious con. They communicate through email, google chat or whatsapp. They will spend months building a relationship in terms of friendship and then romance. They will have a reason why they cannot talk on the phone of do a video call. (i.e. deployed) then they will start to ask for money. Like your login to your Netflix account, which gives them access to your billing info, request an apple gift card, etc.Victims of catfish have literally been conned out of thousands and thousands of dollars.

Agreed

@Louis76 ❤

@@InHisSservice ❤

I was also dissociating quite oftenly and heavy into all kinds of daydreams, usually limerent (still it comes up, but not nearly as much as in my teen years). It's comforting to hear someone going through something similar. I told a psychologist about my dissociations, they said it was normal. Daydreams I didn't even mention since they were SO normal to me, I didn't even consider they might be harmful to my life. Every time I approached anyone for help, they would tell me I was fine (I seem to others as a high achiever, could be that). I wasn't feeling fine since 11 years old (even before that, but I didn't have the ability to realize it). It seemed so hard working on my mental health because the world just didn't respond with anything to my pleas. I'm so thankful to see people who go through similar things as I do, and that, yes, there is something I can do to change how I feel. Thank you. Stay awesome ❤️

I am the same way

Me too!!! -Cara@TeamFairy

I relate to this! It makes me feel crazy but there seem to be a fair few people who do this, hope you can heal your attatchment wounds ❤

Give yourself a break, so much of this is SO new. -Cara@TeamFairy

Baby steps, my friend. One day at a time unpacking your trauma and learning to own it vs the other way around. It will happen. ❤️

The obsessive ness is maddening

A lot of us seem to see limitless potential in others for no good reason. The Dating & Relationships course is hugely helpful in reframing our thinking about good partners . bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Cara@TeamFairy

I read a book called "Shrinking Yourself" by Roger Gould about emotional eating that was the best counseling for many issues beyond weight. A part that really resonating with me was about wanting people to love me the way I am. In reality, I needed to take care of myself for my own health (self-love) and not stay overweight just to be able to prove that someone could love me when I was not perfect.(Due to childhood abandonment) It was changing my focus on taking care of myself. hint: if after you hit your fitness goals, someone starts picking at new areas or changes the goal line of being healthy and active to being a model, either drop them completely or gently remind them that when they have the wealth of Tom Brady, Donald Trump or Prince William, they can just forget about the supermodel (you or any other woman)!

@@CM-sy3to It was exactly like that, first he would go on about health even though I was just slightly overweight at BMI 27 because the stress of university really got to me and I felt so inadequate, then I was doing yoga and running classes and at a healthy weight when he sat me down and told me that I still look fat to him and that he wants me to drop my beloved yoga because "it's a girlie sport and won't produce the look he is after", it was crushing because I thought I'm healthy now, we can be happy but he was ice cold. I tried to argue with him that he's 5'4 to my 5'11, bald, very hairy and has a middle class income, where are the supermodels going to come from, even at my higher weight my friends told me I'm crazy, he's not only an ahole but you're out of his league, I never wanted to go by appearances and saw glimpses of a good guy beneath the facade. Anyway, his response was: It doesn't matter what I look like, I set a high standard for the women I want and I won't settle for less.

​@@c.w.8200this man is projecting his own extreme self loathing on to you. He will never be able to cope with any illness, scar or disability in himself or others. There are hundreds of thousands of men with this personality. It is not all men but a great many. I am so glad you didn't allow his bullying self loathing consume your loving heart. I hope you find what you seek in a kind reciprocal nurturing partner. I have surrendered to the fact it might never happen to me in my 40s after two cruel marriages to highly narcissistic men but I have learnt snippets of self respect and self value which have lent me peace of mind from seeking or desiring a partner who simply won't reciprocate.

Glad you are here. Nika@TeamFairy

Agreed! It helps me apply the same logic to my similar situations. This format is so awesome!

Yes...this format is extremely good for listening to as it takes it out of 'theory', the thing is we also hear these stories and feel compassion for the ones in the stories where we could not feel for ourselves. Hey, it's probably useful for Anna too.

I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy

Same here. I lost so much time and opportunities. And even friends because i tried to tell what happened but could not get clear or out of the loop and people got fed up with me.

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

I grew exactly like that with no boundaries…. I think my husband also had a lot of boundaries stepped on emotionally that he didn’t realize. Now that I have been learning and healing, this has caused me to actually act on boundaries in a healthy way and it is causing toxicity on his because it makes him feel abandoned and angry and that I am standoffish when it is actually me saying this is too much and I need to be to be my own person and have my own thoughts… I didn’t realize until recently where my boundaries were… now that I have learned what is healthy and unhealthy treatment by other people- my husband doesn’t some other ways or deal with situations where he is asking too much of me. My husband is so used to the way I let people treat me however for like months at a time and then I finally blow up… That wasn’t helping or healthy. Now, I will walk away from the situation as soon as I notice, the person is speaking incorrectly to me or treat me in such a way that is a bit too far for instance: my hubby and I can talk about how I like my office space when he starts trying to convince me that my personal likes and dislikes and design of my officespace is wrong or makes no sense, that is a boundary you overstepped- it is my space and you don’t get to decide whether what I like is wrong or right… I would never dream of say that to another person… and I truly do hate my husband‘s office desk for 13 years but I’ve never said anything because it’s not my place (its his office)… he was willing to comment about my office design/decor when he asked me to join his office area… after moving in I moved out quickly back to my space until he realized he pushed the boundary- it made him very angry, but I stood my ground as best I could in an emotionally charged situation. Before my husband started working on himself, this would’ve ended very poorly and multiple screaming matches until one of us gave in or threw something because I would’ve tried to stay there when my husband attempted to guilt me into staying leaving was “rash” (already discussed prior what would happen if my husband wouldn’t stop trying to question and discuss every decor choice I had made for my office)… In the end, I quietly stood my ground and told him I would not be moving back in the near future. That eventually made him realize he doesn’t get to make those decisions for others. It’s been almost a month. I have offered to move back into his office space… the only thing stopping me now is having a discussion with him about how it’s going to go. If he can’t agree, allow me to have my own place there (he is having me move to help him be “accountable” not to look at things he shouldnt- its not a happy reason to do this on top of it all) and recognize that I am trying to be reasonable moving into someone else’s space and allow me to have some freedom… I am not going to move in his office space…. You have to deal with his own problems on his own. I hope it goes well, but this is the stuff I’m dealing with my marriage. He gets very panicky and nervous as soon as I shall inform of independence or independent thought or extensive independent prime and prayer reflection (including the meditating and journaling time). It’s very hard for me because I used to be very codependent with him. Now getting healthier, I am now looking for interdependence and more health in our marriage… this new jumping into more healthy behavior on my end is causing a lot of fear and panic and insecurity on his end… he doesn’t see where he is pushing boundary and refuses to listen to me and expect me to just give in instead of him giving me time and space to decide whether or not it’s something that is ok to do…. It’s been really hard, and I wish that he would trust me when he panics in the moment but he wont

@@Jaxmusicgal23 Wow! Great letter. You've so much to be proud of yourself for. Gently pushing through that fear, and, more importantly, developing patience with oneself makes all the difference. Thank you. 🩷

Thank you for being part of the community! -Cara@TeamFairy

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy

There is this free course! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

That's very kind of you. Thank you! Nika@TeamFairy

You are most welcome! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Thank you for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer! Nika@TeamFairy

Good for you! Congratulations on the next stage of your life! Julie@TeamFairy

Glad you liked it! -Cara@TeamFairy

I'm so glad :) -Calista@TeamFairy