Heck yeah, she needs to wrap her head around boundaries and ownership over items. Since the problem seems to have been going on for a long time and the poster already told her many times, they're not going to be able to solve this without (a therapist's) help.
She also doesn't seem to understand the concept of ownership. Just because you all live in one household doesn't mean that everything belongs to everyone. The husband and son/children have a right to their own belongings. Having to hide or lock your personal possessions is a terrible way to grow up.
Exactly. The wife sounds a lot like my mother. For example, she tried to repeatedly demand back various fancier clothes and toys that our kids had - in her opinion - grown out of that she had originally given to them (think birthday presents). Reason: she wanted to donate them to other people.
My mom was raised in a culture where being self-sacrificing was a virtue. I don't think she realized how messed up it was to forcibly apply those same values to me. I feel like this might be something similar.
The wife in the first story infuriates me. The sheer hypocrisy in caring more about how it looks like you're behaving than how you're actually behaving. Grr.
"Oh we have one of those. If hubby doesn't need it, you may have it, I'll get back to you and let you know." The wife in the first reddit simply has to bloody ASK first. It's not hard. It's no good pleasing others if you are pissing off the family.
In the first story, I wonder if getting the wife to apologise to the prospective buyer might have more effect on her than her paying her husband. She has pleased the person she gave the tent to but she deprived the person who had the expectation of getting the tent, so what does she feel about the buyer's feelings?
Even better, OP should call the person that got the tent (because no way he'll make wife do it) and tell them there was a mistake and they need to return the tent. They never paid for it so it's no loss to them, right? Wife would probably be so embarrassed she'll cut down on giveaways that don't belong to her.
Problem here is that she'll just do what she does when she gives away her own stuff and realizes "oops I needed that" - she'll go buy a new one and give the buyer that tent. Then everybody's happy and nobody's mad at her, right?
@@kristinw2600 Then why did she go complain to her family that she had to give OP the money she lost him? Ok to make it up to strangers but not your spouse is pretty strange.
That retirement story gets my Ire up. If you want your parents to live with you, that is cool, but parents guilting their children into taking them in is such shite. She is 32 & deserves a chance to live her life in her space however she chooses, her mother is an adult and needs to act like one.
32, single, no kids - this is the time to host your friends, enjoy hobbies, date a bit if you like to. Having your mother living with you would make it impossible, or unpleasant, or awkard as duck.
story 1: The wife isn't being kind when she's using other people's property to satisfy her own saviour complex, she's being a selfish attention hog. If she can't even respect the feelings and property of the people she claims to love most, then your 'kindness' means nothing and is a hollow cover for selfishness. edit: wait, she's willing to replace her own stuff, but wants to whine like a spoiled child when you demand recompense for your stolen property? So did she have the son a new switch ordered before trying to hand over his?
The first story feels personal. My mom did the same thing when I was younger and it took me kind of exploding about her lending my stuff to people and never getting it back, straight up giving me stuff away without asking, or volunteering me to do things without consilting me first. We're good now and she is a good perosn but that was such a frustrating part of growing up. The wife needs to learn to stop doing that to her husband and child before they stop trusting her and start hiding things from her altogether.
The thing about the mom wanting to move in that bothered me is that she pulled the "family card " and saying how OP should be okay with it. If OP were to say yes, who's to say mom wouldnt suddenly wanna start making rules and curfews and redecorating and major decisions in general?
I wonder if she can play a "Reverse" on that family card 🤔 "Mom, if you want grandkids to happen, I need space to make that happen. You living in my guest bedroom is going to make dating _really_ awkward." Might work 🤷🏼♀️
@@MorgenPeschke I was thinking mom is pushing to move in because she wants to be on deck if/when kids happen. I think Shaaba's right though and mom just doesn't know how to live alone.
In the first one, the "she's just trying to help someone in need" thing gets me. Because, yeah, sure she is. But it's kind of like how donating to charity is a good thing to do, but if you stole someone else's credit card and used that to donate, you're still in the wrong.
I cannot imagine what the kid must feel, living with a mother who invades his space and takes his things to give away. I would never feel like my things were safe-I’d need a lock on everything, the door, drawers, closet, whatever. What kind of stress must this kid be living under? And what impact is that going to have on his life moving forward, feeling like his possessions are never safe?
I agree, she has a very communistic view of individual property, i.e. everything in the house belongs to everyone. Poor kid. I wonder how she would feel if he or the husband started to give away her things to their friends.
for all we know, if OP's wife had JUST ASKED him "hey i have a friend who wants a tent. can we give them the one you got in that raffle?" OP might have been like "yeah sure." but the BALLS you have to have to give something of someone else's away without asking them? lord, i would need my mouth washing out with soap too. that's so completely out of line. also as you said, this is not about the tent. this is about her having a total disrespect for her family and their personal belongings.
If the wife lending stuff really happens as often as OP says it does, then I don't doubt that some of the people in wife's social circle KNOW they can take advantage of her people pleasing. Giving yourself out like that can unfortunately be a breeding ground for the most selfish people to ask stuff from you for their own gain. It's all the more of a reason for OP to get the wife some professional help.
The first story legit TERRIFIED me 😂 I am very selective with my possessions and everything I buy means a lot to me. I cannot fathom being with someone who would give away my stuff, I am genuinely convinced I would be able to fall out of love with them on the spot the first time it happens 😂 after a long and hard anxiety attack of course lol
I'd also be mad if someone tried to give away my Switch. I don't have one but aren't those like 200$-300$? Sounds like that poor kid snapped because they actually snapped under years of her doing this.
Small story! I have a service dog, and I remember the first blood test I had with her there were 2 nurses. One doing the blood test, and one very beefy male nurse just sitting there. When they left the room I heard "Why did you say I'd have to hold the dog!" They didn't know I was more afraid of needles than my dog, because she knows shots come with a treat.
@@tanyastacy-haws993 in the early days of COVID-19 I was scheduled for surgery and was doing all my pre-surgical stuff the day before, which included my first-ever COVID test. It was back when that long swab stabbed your brain and it was HORRIBLE… but she gave me a lollipop! My eyes were tearing and I had to pull over and sit in my car for a while until I could see, but I had a nice lolly so I was happy. Made my whole day!!
At my first blood draw with my dog, the tech audibly gasped when we stood up to leave because she didn’t know Tesla was there. I’m always so proud of her when that happens!
@@tanyastacy-haws993 That's actually how my family does it, and it really helps! When I was a kid, my mom would give my brother and I a heads up about a week before that we'd be going to the doctor's and we'd be getting "x number of shots". And she'd keep reminding us up until the appointment so it wasn't a surprise. After the appointment we would go and get McDonald's as a "you did it!" prize, and it made the entire event way less stressful for us. It's something I've continued to do for myself and it's something I want to continue for my own kids someday.
Last story: I haven't seen anyone point out that the phone call with the MIL has some possible icky gender-role undertones - the assumption that the husband was going to make the final decision, but the wife could 'convince' (manipulate) him to change his mind.
The thing about the tent being free in the first place is irrelevant. OP was expecting to get some benefit from what he won, whether it for his own use or to get some money to buy something he actually wants. This wife needs some serious help with boundaries. On the car thing, I would have been tempted to do the same thing, and honestly, in the heat of the moment I might have. I know Shaaba is right, but it's easy to sit here in my chair and say that when I'm not having to deal with the inconsiderate neighbor. So I do think OP was wrong, but I don't blame them. I wonder if it might not be too late to go to the neighbor (homemade brownies in hand) and apologize, explain where the reaction came from, and ask if the relationship can be reset. He might tell OP to eff off, but it's worth a shot for future neighborhood relations. Also, why can't he and his guests park in front of his house? The mom wanting to move in gets a hard no from me. As long as the mom doesn't need any assistance, she can damn well respect OP's space. She needs to get some hobbies and make some friends if she's afraid of being lonely. She can sell her too-big house and buy a smaller one in any city she pleases, but she doesn't get to impose herself on OP without OP's permission. (Side note: I understand that multi-generational households are common in many cultures, but I feel like if that were the case here OP would have mentioned it.) For the last one, I bet if they were having a girl, MIL would be thrilled to have a granddaughter named after her. What makes her think she has any right to deny that honor to the grandfather, just because she personally doesn't like him anymore? I hope OP and her husband are able to shut her down, but if she doesn't back off they might have to shut her out.
Story 1: Sounds like OP also needs to make this issue public-- tell her friends and family members what's been going on and that they are expected not to accept any gifts from the wife going forward. The embarrassment might finally make her turn over a new leaf
On the second story, one of the other people in OPs house should park on the street to save the spot. Then they can either shuffle when OP comes home or OP parks in the driveway. The neighbors might eventually get used to the new parking arrangement.
My uncle has the exact same problem as the wife in the first story! He would take mine and my sister's gifts that were for us, and gave them to more distant relatives or friends. When he got married, my sister and I KNEW he was gonna do the same to his new wife, the breadwinner of the family, nearly resulting in a divorce. Somehow, she's still with him years later with a child, and I wonder if he still does it. Anyway, this is my first time hearing about someone else with the addiction.
First one, entitled parents like that drive me INSANE. An ex of mine had a strict stepfather who was obsessed with loaning out and getting rid of pretty much anything that wasn't "being used." Ex had a dozen stories about bikes, video games, car parts, furniture, clothes, cutlery, etc. getting taken by stepfather to be loaned to his hunting buddies or gifted to others. The reason ex is an **ex**? I made the mistake of letting them use my shed for storage when thier basement was flooded. Stepfather helped his damned entitled self the work table ex and I had bought for the shed AND THEN GAVE IT TO HIS BROTHER because "we weren't using it." He didn't offer to pay me or ex for the table, nor did the brother. Granted there were other issues I had with ex that had been stewing but stepfather STEALING our work table was the last straw
my mom used to donate a lot of stuff without asking her 3 kids. sure, a lot of stuff we'd be happy to let go, but some stuff really hurt, especially when i was so small. she gave away my favorite plushies, dolls, books that i went to reread and couldn't find. i think she truly believed everything in her house was hers and that she was allowed to do as she wished, even when she hadn't bought them.
For the first story: he won a prize. That is something he gets to enjoy no matter how he chooses to do it. If his way of enjoying his prize is to sell it and get something he'll enjoy even more, that's something he was probably looking forward to. So it's not right to say he didn't lose anything because he didn't pay for it. If you win a cash prize and someone decides to give it away, do you not have the right to be upset because you didn't work for that money?
With the parking issue, as someone who works for municipal enforcement, I have another perspective here because we definitely have these kinds of issues ALL the time. Now, there's a section in our bylaw that is also taken from the provincial traffic act, which states: A person shall not park within 1.5 metres from an access to a garage, private road or driveway or a vehicle crossway over a sidewalk. (This is in a lot of other provincial traffic acts as well, so it's not a weird one.) There are many instances where two cars can fit within a space, but not legally. When this is between two neighbours it's not an issue. We don't go warn or ticket people unless we get a complaint from the property owner who's driveway is being encroached on. And even then, a landlord has called on their tenant before and we've been like "um, no?". (And yes, sometimes people will lose their minds that we don't proactively ticket random people for parking within 1.5 metres of their own driveways. People are people.) Now, this doesn't change the fact that if a guest had permission, they should definitely be asked ahead of time to pull up against the driveway to allow for that added space for the OP to use. HowEVER, if they did that and someone else parked behind them, the OP would be in the same situation, AND that other person parking in the OP's "spot" would be breaking the law. If people don't know about "blocking driveway" laws then they could get a ticket when the whole intention was to make sure there was space for two vehicles. The street is public parking, and as annoying as it is, you can't make people move because you want to use the space in front of your house. It isn't yours. And the person parking in the middle of the curb is probably parking more legally, at least in the letter of the law, than anyone in those two houses. lol Ultimately, would it not be another option to check the weather forecast and have one of the other people park on the street on a day that it was supposed to be raining? Or, voluntarily go move a vehicle onto the street and text the OP that they can use X space because of the bad weather? I know the issue in question is the ringcam (hate those things, they give data to cops), but why is no one being like "wtf the parents can't give up a space a few times a month??
Yeah, I had a similar feeling with this story. I understand OP being frustrated that the parking is always full because of the neighbours, but like ... that's a public street. It's in front of their house, but it doesn't belong TO them. Unless they can just be neighbourly and work out an agreement to share, they aren't owed a parking space. And I agree; why can't the parents park on the street occasionally, especially on stormy nights?
@@Rikrobat I get really frustrated with people who claim the street space in front of their house as theirs. Also that household has 3 cars. Which is their right, of course, but they cannot expect to have space right next to their house for all cars. If I understand the post correctly, the issue is also people visiting the neighbour and not parking the way OP wants, not just the neighbour himself. Maybe neighbour has asked the visitor(s) to park better but his request is not respected, yet OP is blaming him for someone else’s behaviour.
@Rikrobat but OP wasn't complaining that they took two spots with two cars. He was complaining that they/their guests were taking up two spots with car - that's just being aholes (especially if he already asked them nicely to just use one spot per car). Unless the rain only starts after the parents get home, but before OP, asking them to park in the streets would require them to have to walk in the rain instead. The neighbors can just not be aholes.
@@ChaquetaB - Whether the neighbour’s guests parked “properly” or not, OP is bothered that there is no room for him to park there when he wants. Thus, the issue is the same at the core-OP is upset that the street parking outside of his house isn’t free when he wants it. Both sides of the problem suck here, in my opinion.
In the first one, yes, the wife is stealing. I would be very tempted to confiscate something of hers when this happens. Even though she does give her own stuff away, I wonder if she would feel the same way if someone else stole from her
The first story is SO messed up! The wife is WAY out of line, but washing a child's mouth out with soap is abuse. I'm saying this as a child who had this happen to them.
@@meep5667 I wish it was. In my case, it was because I was at the house of a friend of a family member I rarely saw, and when we went to leave, I said I had to get my cat. I was accused of lying, and I didn't understand why I was being punished. I'd brought a cat plushie with me. Turns out, they had a cat that had been hiding, which I didn't know about. Instead of trying to figure out what I was talking about, I was accused of lying and punished. I never got my cat.
@@meep5667 Definitely not just a figure of speech. My grandparents did this. They thankfully did not to it to me, but they definitely did it to my dad and the rest of his siblings. Pretty sure my cousins got hit by this as well since they were living with my Gpa that did this for quite some time growing up.
Thanks for mentioning that - I was taken aback by that comment but then I wasn't sure if it was just a figure of speech, so I didn't know if I should comment on it. The whole idea of doing that is outrageous, I do hope OP didn't mean it literally
It doesn't matter if the tent was free. They did lose money by her giving away the tent. He lost the money that he would have otherwise made by selling it. There are other costs to consider than what you spent on an item, including non-monetary costs.
I named my son after my dad. My dad tried to tell me not to. I told him I sign that birth certificate not him. He got to name his kids 😂 In the end, he's proud and I am too.
I really appreciated the theft information ❤ I was living in temporary accommodation and had some money (£50) stolen from me, i spoke to staff and they never did anything. This happened over Xmas so it's been over a month. The person who stole from me then went on to steal £175 from someone else in the building and then £250 for someone else afew days ago. Staff still haven't done anything about it. I moved out yesterday and into my own accommodation so I am planning on going to the police. While in the temporary accommodation I had money stolen, vicious lies told about me and was outed multiple times. I wanted to be in a safe space (physically) before I went to the police as I felt she would retaliate with violence (she is on alot of hardcore drugs and is physically violent on the regular aswell as non stop verbal abuse.) Now I feel safer I am writing it all down for the police and will be taking it in when I am able. But it's nice to have the information that my situation will definitely qualify as theft. Anyways I always love these videos and am really enjoying the podcast ❤ I hope your 2024 is going well so far ❤ Edit - also I hope your blood tests turn out okay ❤️
The Mom roommate story - I live with my partners parents. It works, but only because we make a conscious effort to check in and confirm that this is what we want to do with the full knowledge of what that might mean. Also we are very settled in our lives/know our future plans pretty well for our age. It still creates issues around authority and life styles that are tough. Even little things like I find aerosol sprays really annoying and the rest of the household keeps 'forgetting'. Very minor, but I worry that this is exactly the kind of thing that will cause tension down the line if not handled (ie we're thinking of having kids soon and that's when annoying things become Problems). I can't imagine a parent moving in with no end date and feeling comfortable in my own home. Especially if you don't want to feel 'settled' watching reruns all the time with your parent lol. Good for me but certainly not everyone Edit: just wanted to add I totally feel the baby names issue. Don't talk about them where others can over hear!
My dad had a habit of volunteering our stuff to people without asking first (he wanted to help people that didn't have things or the money for things) but at least he asked us before he actually gave them away. He did tend to guilt us into going along with him because he's neurodivergent and doesn't like when things don't go the way he planned, but we were allowed to say no.
Ooof that people pleasing AITA hit home for me. My mum is a people-pleaser; I'll never forget her giving away my snow skis, that were already given to me secondhand, to my cousin and never replaced them. Now I'm stuck paying for rental skis on top of lift tickets (which are already atrociously expensive).
yes please!! Don't change the fishing for aholes or diving into aholes!! It makes me laugh a little every time you say it... and do the gestures! I love it!!
Just a side note: it's not always about being a people pleaser. My mother likes to "lend" out things, give away, or volunteer to do things (more frustrating voluntelling me to do things) because she wants an excuse to buy new things. Sometimes, yes, she does just want to be nice and help someone, but that's rather far and few times in between. For example, she's been wanting new cook/bakeware for a while, so I bought her a pretty decent set for Christmas. This set was huge - came with pretty much anything you can think of. Immediately afterwards, she decides she needs to donate some of the old things to my sister who suddenly needs pots and pans (she actually doesn't) and then goes looking for different types of cookware after dropping them off at my sister's. Other times, she'll lend/give something to a family member knowing full well she wont either get it back or be compensated for it. She'll then sometimes wait a month or two then desperately need said item, complain about not having said item, then dramatically announce "I'll just have to go buy another one, I guess."
I think the wife might has started out as just a people pleaser but I think it has become less about the people and more herself, the image she wants to uphold and how it makes her feel.
I wonder how the wife in the first story was raised.. Maybe she just sees this as normal because that is what her family did to her. People whose bounderies are always overstepped often end up overstepping other people's bounderies too.
1st post- I'm curious about how often the son uses his Switch. Because even if he barely uses it, Op's wife shouldn't have tried to give it away. Especially without asking. I don't blame the kid for lashing out. How many times has she done this to his own fucking kid to point he lashes out at her? Personally, I think the wife needs therapy, none of this is healthy or helpful. She's making her family hid their own belongings because of her. That's not healthy, for anyone in this situation.
My husband is very quick to offer up stuff we own to anyone who wants or needs it, sometimes just because he thinks they would like it. It minorly annoys me when it's his stuff, because we'll likely spend money replacing it later, but when it bleeds into joint property, or even MY stuff I "don't use" anymore, I've had to draw some hard lines. I have a history of this happening with family, and finding out someone offered up my things gives me the worst sick and anxious feeling, even if it's something I genuinely wouldn't have cared about if asked properly. It's like I can't trust my stuff to be there if I look away from it and puts me in this defensive mode I hate being in. Luckily I usually find out BEFORE it's gone, but if I was routinely finding out after, it would honestly be divorce worthy for me.
The wife in the first story is actually committing a crime, taking things from people - without their permission/knowledge - is theft, doesn't matter if they're related or not it's not hers to give away so technically that is theft albeit probably not arrest-worthy but she definitely needs to learn how to respect people's boundaries
First story is gonna end in a really messy divorce after a lot of money or something REALLY big (like a car) disappears. It's not an idea of "service", it's an idea of entitlement. I've known 2 people like this, and both were also intense moochers because they were also always out on money. It's not good to be friends with people like this, especially since I bet you more than once these items that are being given away are to someone who they already owe money to, like a damn borrowing Ponzi scheme.
The story of retirement and talking about what you would do if you weren't working. I'm disabled and unable to work. Yes, I have a lot of time for things, BUT since I'm disabled and can't do much, I'm bored. It doesn't take much for some people to get bored and lonely during retirement. After my dad retired, he got bored and ended up getting a part time job so he could get out of the house to do something. Sadly, I'm not in that type of position. I'm bored a lot and lucky enough to have good roommates to help with the loneliness.
Hi Shaaba! I wanted to say how fabulous your hair looks (as always, but it's particularly voluminous here) and that I hope your blood test went ok. I also am *really* not a fan of needles, and had to get several blood tests last year, so I feel your pain! Sending virtual hugs
I suspect the tent was a final straw. On the parking thing, I wonder if she felt her family might be being accused? My neighbors do a lot of coming and going and park in front of my house rather than in front of their own, so they are actually walking farther. It's not a real problem, but it makes me say "hmmm?"
From someone from a family of people pleasers who have a history of blanking on personal ownership, the first story hits painfully close to home. I also suffer the impulse to give things away. But I do it with cactuses. I also wonder of OP and his wife are from different cultures, especially with the line about her giving away her own possessions and then replacing them, as in plenty of non-western-european cultures it is just good manners to give away (usually within reason) an item to a friend, colleague or guest who compliments it, or simply comments on its usefulness.
The wife in the the first story is not well intentioned. She's putting her own need to please others above her family's rights. My ex did something similar in expecting me to accommodate others' needs before my own and it was really damaging for me. By disregarding the husband and child she is not showing them basic respect. Basic respect (for anyone) should come above going out of your way to do someone else a favour that they don't even need.
It literally doesn’t even sound like the wife trying to be nice, I’m picturing it as her just taking her family’s stuff and randomly giving it away to people lol
I have fear of needles so strong that even if the area is numb I STILL freak out when I know it’s coming (doesn’t matter weather or not I look away) as a result, while I eat healthy most of the time (treat myself every now and then) and I have no problem going to the doctor when needles are NOT involved, I have not had blood work done in years… I understand you being uncomfortable hope everything goes well!!
With the parking story, I also agree that OP could have used it to their advantage instead of being petty. I get the annoyance, but as other people have said they don’t own the curb. It seems like OP is just not addressing the situation in a mature way, or a way that’s beneficial to themselves.
4:08 If it's MINE, don't TOUCH it. The reason she did this is NOT AT ISSUE! That she's done this many, many times IS! Those family members pointing fingers at hubby are wrong shame on her for trying to defend her bad choice by making him look bad. She IS NOT a people pleaser she does for others, not her family. That makes her manipulative!
Shared name drama stories always baffle me. Like, I understand if you have bad blood with someone and don't want to be reminded of that person (whether or not that's the actual case in this reddit situation), but even in that case, expecting that nobody else can ever share a name with someone is maybe a bridge too far. Yes, hearing a name can be triggering, I'm not disputing that - but you can't just go around saying, nobody in the world is allowed to be named this ever again. ^^; I don't know. Maybe it's just me - for the record, my current roommate/partner of 7 ish years shares a first name with a previous ex who abused me for 3 years. I actually have one of those odd coincidental histories of dating lots of people with this name. Roommate and I met online so I got to know him under a screen name and we'd already started to spark when it was like btw now I'm going to be meeting you in person, I should probably know your real name - and I literally groaned when he told me, because of COURSE it's THAT name. Did that mean I wasn't gonna be friends with him anymore? No. It's a name. I'm sure MIL will love her new little grandbaby regardless of what their name is. (The only name she gets a say in choosing is what said grandbaby will call HER.)
When I was pregnant with my eldest I told my ex don't tell anyone what names we're thinking of as they'll have an opinion. Knowing my mum was safe I talked to her about names. Then he comes to me and says "Nan and Mum don't like the names" with a list of reasons for each. I said I told him not to say anything about the names and he said "but your mum..." So i said "Mum what name should we give the baby?" She came up with the most obscure old persons name so I turned to him and said "and that's why I talk to her. What have we learnt?" "Don't tell people baby names next time except your mum because she'll not give her opinion on it" I mean, she did give an opinion but it was constructive except when my ex wanted to call our child a name that rhymed and sounded ridiculous, even then she was gentle with him, but that's the feedback anyone should give not who you're naming them after or what the bullies might call them. My eldest is Fishyfly and you have both helped them with their queer identity (a name like Fishyfly, they have to be queer, right?) if you read this please say hi to them.
Honestly, for the most part, yeah, express your feelings as nicely as you can but I do think that *sometimes* you have to be harsher with people when they're just not getting it. Also if they've been treating you really badly. Sometimes expressing your feelings fully includes expressing that you are angry.
When my first was child was on the way, i just told everyone we were going to call them Bob, regardless of sex. Found out later the baby was to be a girl. Still told people we were just going to call her Bob as a joke. When the time of her birth came closer, we announced her actual name. It was not Bob. When she was born, my mother was in the room when Vital Statistics came to record the name and attempted to take advantage of the fact that one of us was too drugged up to know what was going on and the other had stepped out to get a bite to eat. (8+ hour labor ending in an emergency c-section.) She tried to legally name our kid Stormy Rain without either parent's knowledge or consent. Luckily, a friend of ours was also there and stepped in to say that was not what we'd planned to name her and asked the official to come back in a few minutes when both parents were present.
My parent was like the mom in the first story. Any toys I liked including ones I saved and spent my own allowance on she would just take randomly and give away (not lend, like actually give away). It really caused deep issues for me because it was only things I enjoyed she would take. Many years of therapy and I am doing better, but for the majority of my life anything I liked or enjoyed I felt anxious about. I ended up playing and pretending with bits of trash as a kid.
As an American who has to know both: 1 Kilo = 2 Pounds 1 Meter = 3 Feet. THIS WILL NOT WORK FOR MATH/CONVERSIONS But it's an easy way to do the math in your head.
If someone *genuinely* has good intentions and just wants to be kind, they are be willing to let go of certain things for others. Taking from someone to give to someone else is not good in any way. It's as if I had robbed a bank, given the money to charity and were bragging about how I just wanted to help people in need. Well actually it's worse, as robbing a bank at least takes some effort - what OP's wife is doing doesn't take anything from her, she just steals her family's stuff that's just laying around, like wth
I can remember as a kid i needed to learn how to share. But not in the sense that you would expect. As a child, everywhere around me seemed to be focused on you need to share or you need to help others, so much so that i kept giving my things away. Even if it was something i loved i would give it away becuase i was taught that was the nice thing to do. This got so bad, i needed to learn to share in the sense that i can keep my stuff and it doesnt make me any less of a nice person to say no.
That first story… I honestly don’t think those are good intentions. I actually think it’s quite selfish. The payoff for her sounds like it’s in giving the stuff away, and she’s willing to put that before the feelings of anyone else. We don’t know that the people to whom she’s giving the things are even « needy ». I think she needs therapy
21:24 If she was married with children and an extra bedroom, that would be the time to have her living with. But BEFORE you've begun a private life on your own? Nope, it's not a cool thing for her to do to you!!! Let brother house her.
I have a far more irrational needle phobia since I’m a type 1 diabetic and inject myself with insulin multiple times a day and have done so since I was eight (I’m 39), yet I’m terrified of blood tests and immunisations, so much so that I have to take Valium to keep myself calm enough to not cry throughout the procedure.
The first story definitely sounds like people pleasing and her family reacting how they did kinda triggers my family trauma senses xD Why are they mad about someone stopping her from giving away stuff? Did they make her do that when a kid? Or do her parents do it too? It really sounds like some therapy would help...
This always makes my Monday. I had a presentation today and a lot of homework, but I smiled when I remembered there would be another Shaaba AITA to watch 😊😊
Retiring Mom needs to figure out another solution. Whether that's Brother, a senior living center, or simply a smaller place of her own and joining a bunch of clubs... her child is not responsible for providing housing or being the cure for her loneliness. Every family is different. My mom is semi-retired; my dad has a form of cancer. In five years, Mom will be fully retired and Dad will likely be dead or in a much more advanced state of needing care. I would not be surprised if the idea of Mom living with either me or my brother after Dad's death gets brought up, whether that's Bro moving in to their house, Mom moving to a city near me and me living with her while continuing to work at my current job, or some other solution. It may not be what we go with, but it's something I can't imagine we won't at least discuss. But that's us. There is nothing wrong with OP wanting her space and freedom instead of being back with Mom, especially if Mom is not respecting her child's autonomy and adulthood!
I 100% agree - DO NOT share your baby's name with others until after the child is born. My mother was a def the drama. When she was pregnant with me, she got mad at a coworker who announced her own pregnancy a few days after my mom announced hers. She felt coworker was stealing attention that should be all hers. The coworker told everyone that if the baby was a girl, she would name her "Joy" after naturalist & artist, Joy Adamson (who was her childhood hero). My mom gave birth to me first & guess what name she chose? That's right...Joy.
Nothing irrational about needles mama peach. The only thing that cured me after 35 years of intense needle phobia was being diagnosed as a type one diabetic. Needle or death puts things into perspective 😂
What wife in number 1 did is essentially her friend saying "I'd love to have a tent!" and her responding "A good tent is $300. My husband has $300 in his wallet/savings box, here ya go!"
1st story - I get that the wife gave away the tent they got free, but it takes 2 seconds to say "babe, do you mind if I...." No he didn't pay for the tent so he didn't lose money (technically), but I would consider it a fine or victim tax. If it costs her something, maybe she'll think twice because clearly telling her not to do it doesn't work. 2nd story - The neighbor keeps essentially shutting the door on OP by doing nothing about the friends parking. Maybe it takes similar treatment so he'll think twice. (P.S.10-20 lbs is 5 to 10 kilos) 3rd story - "Sorry mom, if you would have asked before I bought a 2 bedroom." She's selling her house, banking the cash, then says she's "in her time of need"???? Not to mention, my grandfather retired at 60 and lived to 97! OP is 36, if her mom follows my grandfather's example, she'll have mom for a year longer than she's even been alive. Um, hell no. 4th story - If grandma doesn't like the name, she can give the baby a nickname or call him by his middle name. Simple.
When I got married (I'm divorced now) we were religious and took the attitude that "all that's mine is yours, all that's yours is mine". Some more traditional couples believe that once you are married you both technically own eachother's belongings, perhaps that is why the wife in the first story never thought to ask permission? I was also taught that it's important to give to those in need, "if you have two cloaks and your neighbour has none" and all that. So I can see where she's coming from, especially if she's neurodivergent (the husband mentioned that during an argument she would repeat her point without understanding him). I imagine a lot of neurodivergent people are drawn to religion as it has clear rules and good and bad. I think that's what made it so appealing to me for so long.
Story 1: NTA. They need some help communicating. It’s bizarre to me that hubby would list it for sale without wife knowing and that she’d give it away without any comment. That just wouldn’t happen in my family as we mention all the little things and regularly check in with each other to ensure our individual plans work out for all.
I feel so bad for the family in the first story. I am living similarly in having to lock things up, but not because of my mum, because of my son. He'll steal all kinds of things, even food. Our pantry has a latch on it in part because of him (and the other part being that we have a cat who will gorge himself on the food in it, and he learned how to open the pantry...). I have a small locking box under my bedside for my tablet and other small items.
If your child is still actually a child it sounds like he has a mental health problem and I'm very sorry. I hope you can get him help as this will cause him a lot of problems when he's older. If he's actually an adult I would recommend not letting him live with you because he's behavior is unacceptable.
@@KatjeKat86he's 10 and has pretty severe ADHD-C. He's medicated and I've just been able to get him into a psychologist. Unfortunately a large part of some people's ADHD is impulse control issues, and his is quite bad. I couldn't begin to list all the stuff he's broken or lost or whatever as a result of it.
@@notjustamwac Sounds like you're a great parent with a very tough situation you're dealing with. I hope that therapy can help him with coping mechanisms.
I feel blood draws icky, too. The pain is not severe, it's very mild, but the way it looks and feels is gross. Mind you that I am that kind of a person who talks with her friend who studies veterinary medicine about dissecting animal corpses while eating pizza together. I still find blood draws a disgusting and uncomfortable experience.
I legitimately love science, medical science in particular. I'm not afraid of needles or doctors or any of that. But getting blood drawn or an IV line placed is no fun. Maybe it's a bit of trauma from digging that almost made me pass out, maybe it's because I've been a really hard stick ever since I was a child, maybe it's because I tend to feel woozy and sick to my stomach for hours afterwards, I don't know. But it's never been a pleasant experience. Best method I've found is to warn the nurse beforehand that I'm gonna be a problem lol. Lay me down if possible, use a smaller needle, and take from the obvious vein in the back of my right hand.
I don't quite feel the first story is people pleasing alone, because why is she then only pleasing the people outside of her inner circle... I believe it has much more to do with looking good and then bask in the sunlight of the inevitable praise.... Or I could just be jaded since, I grew up with a mother who has "issues" ;)
The second story sounds like it is about more drama than just a parking spot, judging by OP’s reacting that he prefers to walk far in the rain rather than let his neighbour know he did not see anything on the ring camera.
I definitely think the wife in the first story has some issues she needs to sort out, because it feels a lot like she’s offering to others to her own detriment almost. I can relate since I am kind of similar in those regards - for the longest time I felt like if someone was telling me about their issues, I had to be the one to fix them somehow. Not necessarily a savior complex kind of situation, but being overly empathetic and growing up in a space where I was taught I should actively offer the clothes off my back for others, it created a very unhealthy cycle where I would actively go out of my way to be helpful, and feel like I had no worth if I couldn’t contribute something. (And not necessarily in a transactional way either, because I do not feel like people ever need to do the same thing for me). I learned through therapy that, at least for me, it’s a rather unhealthy coping mechanism for the fact that I often severely devalue my own self worth - it’s a means of trying to supplement that “worth” and artificially give myself value even if it’s to my own detriment. While I still do it sometimes, I’ve taken many strides toward valuing myself, finding ways to help others that aren’t detrimental to myself, and acknowledging that at the end of the day I can’t get the splinter out of someone else’s eye until I take the plank out of my own. And I think the first OP’s wife would benefit a lot from that.
It feels like the wife in the first story has something psychological going on, unless there are some other kinds of red flags. More than just people-pleasing. That's a weird amount of broken boundaries for someone who supposedly loves you.
Yeah, it sounds like a compulsion to me. Which doesn't make it okay, but I think all the comments about selfishness and savior complexes are too harsh. Giving away your own stuff that you were still using is pretty extreme behavior and it seems like it might be related to childhood trauma.
If you people please by hurting the ones you love, you're not being a good person. You're negating the good action or favor by hurting someone who has repeatedly asked you to stop.
I have a cousin who is due with her 1st child at the end of next month, they asked for suggestions for baby names, but said they won't make the final decision or tell anyone until after the baby is born ( middle name already announced as her brothers name as he passed away right around the time they found out they were expecting) I made the decision when I was 17 that any children I sad would take their 1st and middle names from my grandparents and their fathers grandparents. No one argued with me and no one had any say that I had not approved (my son's father had a daughter a year older than my daughter who lived in another town and I let her choose the order of his names since my daughter would get to spend more time with him and this way both sisters would feel bonded to him). I support all parents holding in their choices and until after the name has been sent with the birth record, until then they should tell everyone that they haven't decided on a name and are waiting to meet their baby before ensuring that the name feels right for that child. This can prevent a lot of drama including stolen names.
I found out recently that apparently I have a deformation of my uterus. I found this out about a month ago....and while I admit I honestly have always just had it in the back of my head of not wanting kids. Plus I am entering menopause anyway so even if I could I am pretty much off the breeding trail now. But when someone said"well since you don't want kids its not a big deal right?" and I had this overwhelming urge to slap them. I know I did not want to have kids but suddenly being told well it could not have happened anyway is kind of this weird blow to my head. I know it sounds weird...but yeah...I am conflicted but also I know its sort of normal to feel like I lost something. Just not really sure how I made it this long (knock on wood) with out having any kind of really serious health issues that required an ultrasound (i had one to check for fibroids because of my menopause weirdness)
I don't know if the wife in the first AITA is doing it with such good intentions. She reminds me of my grandmother, who thinks she can dispose of my grandfather's things and even his time as she pleases. And who just comes and takes photos and stuff that belong to my mother because it's all hers in her mind. The fact that she also gives away things that are hers and she still needs gives me some hope that it's not exactly the same but it still gives me that vibe.
