This Disorder is a very lonely disorder. I think people think that someone who has AVPD avoids people because they don't like people or aren't bothered or think their "too good" for them. But really it's the opposite. We want nothing more than to have close relationships with people. Just too terrified.
I'm afraid of the rage and doing what Oscar did to his gf. That is what scares me and I choose to avoid people because the rage is of a primal 4-year-old boy that experienced major trauma.
@@pri5748 I identify with rage as well. I don't lash out at people just avoid them. Don't feel comfortable getting to know people beyond surface level.
I’m talking so much in my head that I struggle to be myself while I’m talking to other people. It’s like my mind goes completely blank because all I can do is panic in my head.
Does anyone have trouble dating because of it? I'm 26 and I just noticed that this is my biggest challenge in life as of now. I'm dying inside 😭 I feel like I need therapy sessions
@@David98004 i think I need therapy alot.🤣 I really don't wanna be in a relationship though because ik it wouldn't be wise because i need therapy. I just need time away. However at the same time I'm like I want it but it's just that it won't be the best it can be because of me. And that would be correct coz I would mess it up. So I push and push away. Therapy and a getaway is needed. And I feel so... oof about it coz ik that there are loads of people in the world that can't get that therapy or don't get to get away. It makes me feel so sad and almost like I should just move on, maybe I'm not strong enough and I should just try harder. But ik that's not wise either. So many mixed feelings.
@@David98004 yes, for the most part every time I started talking to someone on tinder or irl I’d basically ghost them if I felt they started to like me or wanted to meet irl lol. It almost made me lose complete interest. Like WHY!!!
This disorder is destroying my life, I'm 25 already and still single no freinds etc all because I had a terrible childhood I wish I could've been normal. I try to link with people and maybe find a girlfriend but it hard and I feel like I'm doomed like the entire world is against me . For however is reading this I hope your life will be peaceful and happy and some day we all stop suffering on this world.
It’s a tough disorder to deal with because it is hard for you to believe that ppl can relate. I definitely felt everything that you said. You feel like a prisoner to yourself in the way of knowing that you’re better and stronger than your fears, but you’re crippled by them. Thank you for your transparency
As someone with avpd myself I think its incredibly brave of you to speak out about this. I believe it's one of the most misunderstood disorders simply because people, me included, are too afraid of being completely open and honest about it.
You’ve totally described my life. I don’t even feel comfortable around my own family, though, since they are critical of me. I’m 25 years old and it’s only getting worse as I feel I am falling further and further behind everyone. I feel like a failure. I have a husband (only because he pursued me), but I would definitely still be single if that weren’t the case. I couldn’t make friends, I could never approach people, I couldn’t call people on the phone or order food, NOTHING! To this day, I’m still overwhelmed when out in public, so I do curbside pickup if I can. I avoid eye contact with people and try my hardest to avoid any social interaction. I have no visitors and no life goals like family or career since the thought of either one terrifies me. I feel as if I’m just surviving rather than living. I hate myself and feel like a freak most of the time. I am skeptical of anyone who talks to me or hangs out with me or compliments me. I feel as if they secretly pity me or something. Other people just flat out reject me because they see me as cold or distant. Nobody understands the desperate loneliness and despair. I was emotionally neglected by my mother as a child (she was abusive) and my father wasn’t very good at comforting me (it makes him uncomfortable to be vulnerable). I was bullied and teased by my brother and all the kids at school. Told I was ugly or weird. Any time I attempted to make a friend by introducing myself, they looked disgusted at the gesture. I was made more of an outcast due to being gifted. I play multiple instruments, speak multiple languages, I was reading at a high school level by the time I was in 2nd grade, I was very much like a little Matilda. Kids my own age found my conversation topics dull or too difficult to understand. The combo of being highly intelligent AND highly sensitive is a curse that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. You analyze EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I now suffer from chronic illness and am on Disability thanks to the huge strain on my nervous system and high cortisol levels from being in a constant state of stress. I’ve learned to hide my true self with humor. Now that I’m older and I’ve learned how to dress and act to everyone’s satisfaction, people treat me better, which only makes me realize how shallow people really are. I can NEVER love or be my real self around anyone except my husband. Makes me cry to think about what I could’ve achieved had I not had this disorder. I feel like I had SO much to offer the world. But alas, my life is now a waste 😥
I agree with people being shallow. People are more interested in me when I’m doing stand up comedy. There are people who don’t give a shit about me outside of that cool thing that I do. It hurts
Same same. When I was a kid, I’d actually pray to god to make me stupid like the normal kids. Nobody likes a know it all. And despite all that intelligence, I had (and still have) pathetically bad social and emotional intelligence. Street smarts didn’t come til much later & even then, the only reason I have any at all is my fuckup phase in my 20s. My gifted classes ended up skipping over all of middle school math cause “oh they’re smart” so I never learned the basics… everyone else went to kumon so the testing made it look like their teaching method of just not teaching was working…no calculator for calculus cause my last name was the last on the list in an over crowded class… Urgh. Kids are the worst. Anyone who’s remotely different will be an outcast, and stays that way til something changes… Didn’t help that, later in life, I kept burrowing into weird things…doing too many drugs & hanging around with other rejects, fuckups and outcasts, a lot of whom ended up dying on me… friends, best friends, partners….suicides, opiate od’s, bad interactions of drugs, drug induced heart attacks…
Oh I want to give you a hug! I can follow you so much. My mother was loving but very strict with a temper. My father is like yours and I too was bullied in school. I have one best friend from high school....she is the only one I can be completely myself with...not my family and not my more distant friends.
Yes. I have this too. Dating is out of the question. 57 years old and been alone 30 years. No financial or emotional support either. Quit all of my jobs due to low self esteem and having to interact with people on the job I see as my superiors. Very brave to be recorded. I can not do zoom at all with the video and microphone on. I get you.
people with this disorder are kindhearted, at least most of them are is your best friend is? surely because you too are bestfriends pro tip for u being your avpd bestfriend: be there emotional support, quality time, just because they dont talk about what they think or feel, doesnt mean they dont want to. maybe they're not ready to talk about it yet because theyre trying to figure it out by themselves first and/or they're finding the right words on HOW to say and WHAT to say as well
I felt pretty much like you all of my teen years and early adulthood. These were hellish, lonely years. With the help of therapy and meditation and a few key people, I learned to accept myself and care less about what I believed people thought about me, and was surprised to find out they liked me more than I thought. Today I very rarely feel inadequate in social situations. Good luck, you have everything to succeed!
The thing is I feel like I can't be accepted for my true self and that's because I don't know how to love myself or others with the right energy, I beat my self up everyday for not being emotionally and mentally mature enough to express myself in a way that doesn't seem anxious or rushed because of how bad I am at displaying emotion. My mom and Dad never connected emotionally with me so I'm basically lost when it comes to connecting with others because I've been depressing my emotional reactions due to not being confident enough in social interactions that will lead to future friendships that I feel I will not be able to fully fulfill as a human being 😢
I also healed from this disorder. They key is to slowly force yourself to open up more and more about the things you're ashamed of so you can see that people really aren't as judgmental as we are towards ourselves.
@@David98004 OH MY GOSH. you just put all of my feelings i've been noticing more this past year into a neatly wrapped paragraph. word for word, i feel exactly the same way. i'm trying to work on this every day, and seeing at least 1 other person has this same dilemma makes me feel understood, tysm for sharing :') 🤎
I'm sure I have it, plus I'm an introvert, but I'm too anxious to go see a therapist or basically do anything about it. But what really pisses me off is people who have NO idea what it's like say stuff like: you're just shy, be more outgoing, oh you're just having a bad day or feeling down everybody gets that, you just need to be more confident, you just need to meet more people, it'll pass..... oh really? It's not like i don't want to have friends or be in a relationship, I just can't do it... You should be really proud you managed to make this video, I couldn't...
She is surprisingly aware, honest and articulate about all of this. I was not even able to admit these kinds of things even to myself until recently and Im old enough to be her great-grannie
I’ve just accepted that I will be on my own till the end of life. It is what it is but I accept it, life moves on. My biggest goal is to travel around the world but it could be a bit difficult with avpd. I can’t even walk in a shop just to look at clothes without feeling anxious
I'm pretty sure I have this disorder, although I've never been to a psychologist. I can feel a sinking in my gut and I feel that I know this is what's up with me. I want to be a "normal" social person who makes friends everywhere they go, but I just can't. It's almost like... I don't trust people or something. I want to connect to people but it just doesn't happen... I end up being too weird/awkward/quiet and basically ignore and dismiss people, even though I wish I could be "better." Even when people are nice and could possibly be my friend, I just think thoughts like, "they would be so much better off with someone else as a friend." It's the same with relationships. I have a big thing with eye contact as well, I always look down or somewhere else when talking to people I don't know. Its like, I know what to do to have friends but those actions make me soooo uncomfortable..... And I have grown so used to my own company that I don't want to try hard. I feel that the only way I can be myself is by myself. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I need a personality makeover or some massive shift if I want to be like that. And it's soooo hard to see people around me instantly befriending one another but not me... It makes me feel even more alienated.
just so you know I began to think something was wrong with me but it wasn't really. So many people feel very awkward and these are often the most interesting people. You seem very intelligent and kind. Kindness is key. I'm old now and just beginning to understand myself but honestly don't worry about being 'normal', I find normal people sort of boring. :-)
I can relate to this so much. One difference though is I've pretty much accepted being an introvert is fine. I have no need to be a "normal" social person who makes friends everywhere they go. Introversion is a common, perfectly legit personality type and there's no shame in it, even if our culture favors the extrovert. It's the avoidance that hurts. So I feel I only need to crawl my way up to being a successful introvert. Even that is daunting I have to admit. But if you could visualize yourself, not as someone completely different, but as the same person, just without the intense self-rejection, and believe others might actually like you for you, maybe you could make progress.
I had to scroll back up to your profile pic just to make sure that I didn’t write this. I feel the EXACT same way and I feel so lost. It’s to the point now that I push people out of my life(not returning calls, avoiding social situations all together)because I assume that they’re better off without me. I feel so lonely and I’d do anything to really have a friend that truly cares about me, but at this point I don’t even know how to make a friend. I’m going to make it my point to get some help with this because this is not the life I wanted to live at this point.
I hate the eye contact thing. I feel like my eyes instantly out and become red if I look someone in the eyes. I has got to a point that it even happens to family members. The only people I can look in the eyes really close friends my mother and my siblings. It's really annoying and it's worse when someone talks about thier emotions or something that you're really emotional about
I feel every word of this. I always thought I just had social anxiety disorder, but felt it was something much deeper. Now I realise I have SAD and avoidant personality disorder, and it all makes sense. I've never understood why everyone else gets on with making friends, dating, getting a job, and doing things in life and I seem to struggle with it. I'm 24 and still can't do any of those things, and I find it humiliating, especially when people ask me questions about my life. But I'm really struggling with it now I'm older. People say go out and just do it... it'll get easier. But every time it gets more and more painful, then I worry for the next time. I'm really stuck and don't know what to do. It's such a soul-crushing, monstrous, evil disorder, and the worst part is, you know you're creating this world of anxiety and devastating loneliness for yourself. Yet you can't stop
My fear is my ability to trust anyone and let them close to me has been shattered. How do you remove a defense you created back before you could talk? If you're hurt when your helpless, you do all you can to prevent that from happening again the rest of your life. When your big enough to defend yourself from it, you do. Then the rest of your life is always missing something and it's miserable. But you're safe I guess.
That comment about rejection really made sense to me. I’d rather people hate me out right if I can control that rather then try to be liked and have to worry forever that you’d screw that up.
Hello Lisa, I'm a lot older than you, I'm 59 and I've suffered with this for a long time. It will get better. A lot of it is trauma from childhood and that gets easier with research and with reaching out with videos like this. I know you will have trouble taking this in but I've always worried that I was not smart enough, only to find out that many of the people I find really smart think I'm really smart. I am ADHD and that makes it hard to find words when you want them. You seem very well spoken to me; a sign of intelligence. Also the first thing I thought when I saw you was how pretty I thought you were. It shouldn't matter but I know its nice to know. Try to not put so much pressure on yourself. A successful life doesn't mean money and tons of people, its how you grow and how you make others feel. I find trying to help others deal with this gives me comfort. I'm also disabled and living in Ecuador because of it. But I'm no longer wishing for death all the time. Life is not about what others want you to do. Try to remember that. Also being direct is a very strong trait. I have a terrible time with directness. I'm glad you posted. My brother sent this to me. He and I both have this to a degree. Big hugs to you. Things will improve. You are so young. I wish I could make it all better for you right now. I'm old enough to be your mom, so a mom hug to you.
Hi JoAnne I'm happy it got better for you. At the same age as you I'm possibly worse than I was when I was younger so it doesn't always get better sadly. Hopefully because Lisa has had the disorder diagnosed she can work on the problems. I've only just become aware that this is what has been wrong with me all my life due to trauma and bullying at a young age.
@@Allegra11 It's about the same for me. I'm 56, but I was told I probably had this condition when I was mid 30s. I denied it being ashamed, but came to realize I fit most of the criteria for it. I have forced myslelf and pretended to be healthy many times, but it eventually comes out. I have lost some great jobs because of it, Have failed in marriage twice because of it and the only thing I have to appreciate today is my daughter who is 21 now. My choice in my first wife was not very good and she abandoned our daughter at 4 months old so I raised her alone. A huge blessing for me. I know I went overboard to ensure no one treated her the way I was treated and to her I'm sort of a hero because I was always there to back her up. Even when she was wrong, I would still back her up. Maybe not the best parenting, but I was certainly a kind and supportive father to her. I always said you got to screw me up, youre not doing it to my kid. Today I work alone as a truck driver, sort of a fall from grace having worked in Law Enforcement and Aviation, but I was able to buy my own truck, dispatch myself and avoid interacting with people who would eventually come to dislike me. I still haven't figured out how to interact with intimate relationships and I hate being alone, but when you feel like you are always out of line, doing something wrong and just shouldn't offer yourself as a mate, it's very difficult to approach anyone and ask them if they would be interested in dating. So I end up alone, as always pretty much hating my life. I kinda feel like it's probably too late for me. I certainly should have had this addressed 20 years ago, but I didn't. It's hard to explain to people why I don't want to approach a woman even when it's obvious she is interested, I'm not gay, I'm sure I would have the same problem if I was, I just feel as if I am doing something very wrong by showing interest in woman. Like I should be ashamed for wanting to be with her. It's a terrible life destroying mental health issue that does need to be addressed, because ignoring it, just destroys lives.
@@Greg3070 you sound like a wonderful person and it’s completely shitty how we aren’t able to get away from what we intrinsically feel about ourselves. You have done an amazing job with your daughter and what you’ve given her is priceless. I wish you love and happiness. X
@@Allegra11 thank you, I think her and I both were actually good for each other. She did get a little spoiled. But she also endured single parenthood and the passing of her Grandma at 6. So it wasn't all lollipops and rainbows for her either. We have talked about it now she is grown up. She loved being taken around with me and often times sleeping in my office or at a friends house. She got to travel a lot with me when she wasn't supposed to. She would sneak down and low crawl into the truck. It was a big semi truck with a whole sleeper berth with TV, computer with internet, her own temperature controls and a big bed to lay in. It even had a microwave and a portable toilet. She loved being back there while I worked. Oh course school limited that time but it seems she has a lot of good memories from that.
“Has it ever struck you that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quick you hardly catch it going?”― Tennessee Williams..
I am a borderline and strangely we have so much in common and selfishly I am over here viewing this information as comforting because it's nice to know that I'm not alone. 🧡
i dont have AVPD, but I am diagnosed PTSD and ADHD and can relate to a lot of what you've described. I struggle to leave the house during daylight and can only go out at night comfortably. I moved in 2020 and only made 2 friends in the first year of living in the new place (through a facebook meetup group for the local area, the event was to watch UFC and I ended up getting along with 2 of the girls there and we meetup once every few months). I too had a nice house but no-one coming over! I ended up just going to the pub in my trackies and ugg boots just to force myself out of the house because sitting at home alone everyday amplified my depression. At the pub i'd sit in the smokers area, and just doodle in my notebook or do my diary for the week, and it was crazy how many people would come to the table and ask what I was doing. If the pub was too busy, i'd just drive to a different one. Obvs wasn't going on Friday or Saturday nights, only midweek when it was quiet. I rarely opened up about my own issues, but was happy to sit and listen to other people talk for a bit and it really helped my confidence. I did end up making a few more friends too, but that took about 1 year - so by 2022 I had 7 people that i would see occasionally, instead of the 2 from 2020. I don't know if this will help anyone, but I learned if you just 'do you', the right people will magnetically be interested in you and they will understand x
I feel that Lisa needs to give herself more credit. I am 60 years old and just learning about this. Lisa is WAYYYYYY advanced for her age. I congratulate her making this video.
The only way to improve is through exposer. I still have a long way to go, but I've forced myself to go outside of my comfort zone and I've really come a long way from where I was as a result. Start with the small things and branch out from there. Go embarrass yourself. Be awkward. You'll learn that it's okay. You will survive it. It's not easy. You'll need to take breaks and retreat under a rock from time to time. That's okay to do for a while, just don't stay there. The sooner you start the better. Summoning the willingness to push yourself in spite of your fear, is the first step. As you build yourself up, you start to change the warped perception that you have of yourself as being unacceptable. That's the best advice I can give. Good luck everyone.
Avpd feels like a coping mechanism that takes over your life. When you keep getting destabilized by criticism and the love is conditional you think "I'll get really good at learning what people want/what I'm doing wrong so this won't happen". As you grow and social expectations get more complex, you dive deeper into the criticism and performance. You start focusing on what could happen because you realize you can't know what each person wants. Running through all the bad scenarios becomes your compulsion to feel at ease. By the end you've internalized the perspective of every abusive and toxic person you've met or feared you might meet to the point it feels like you're residing in their house. You become the voyeur of your own mind, making your thoughts feel as mortifying as your actions. What you said about becoming comfortable with yourself was one of the most helpful first steps in my journey with avpd. We all need a break from the constant criticism to have the energy to function.
you’re so amazing for finding the strength to talk about something so deep. i’m so relieved to know that there’s other people out there that feel exactly the same way as i do, it’s nice to know that i’m not as alone as i thought i was, it’s like everything that you said was a reflection of what i’m like as well, i found so much comfort listening to this, thank you so much❤️and hopefully one day we’ll both find true peace and happiness (:
At some you have break the cycles.... otherwise your just wallowing in your pity. Get over the other people... like you know it. It's the thought that you have to be this way. It's not cool. 8t technically is abusive to the people close to you. Think of a dog being left in a car, doesn't matter why, it's neglect.... think of it that way and have the gumption to do it right....
Girl thank you for making all of these videos as there is a wealth of information. I just got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder on Monday after requesting an assessment that no one ever bothered doing after years of counseling. The only information I could find online was the same old shit saying a list of the same things that qualify you followed by a by the way, this is the worst disorder on earth and you’ll probably kill yourself. Your relatability is a breath of fresh air. I am also a lover of transparency and honesty. If you ever make an online group for all of us struggling to join where we can check in on each other in a safe distant way, I’d love to know about it. I think being heard and being able to shut up and seriously listen to each other has got to be a way to cope. I’m not looking for a miracle cure. I don’t think any of us who are realistic are. We just need to support each other. This disease is soul wrenching. As shitty as it may feel, you have a gift and are a warrior for sharing it. You have my admiration.
I too have AvPD, but I’ve never been upfront about it due to fear, but now, I’m very open about it, if they accept me as I am, great! If not, then that person isn’t meant to be in your life. It’s upsetting how people who DON’T understand you, ridicule you, and say the most absurd things such as “you think you’re better than everyone” my ex unfortunately didn’t understand, and would often force me to be social, I understand he was trying to help, but that’s now how it works. I honestly think you are beautiful inside, and out! Stay strong! xx
That was deep, I know what fear is and I can say I'd rather die than live in fear! You're courageous and strong for not caring about what ppl think about you that's the right attitude to have in life.
Its very difficult to explain this condition to average people. Of course they say you're shy, or you lack self confidence. Just go do it. I've tried that, it didn't work, I ended up divorced.
It seems like we live in a world where we are supposed to sell a persona to the approval of narcissists and sociopaths. I feel like its created a box that very few of us fit into and now lonliness has become an epidemic. You are a genuinely beautiful, brave women. I sincerely hope that your courage in posting this video has helped you.
I am suffering with this too. But, it is not the end, i will change this pattern for sure. This shit is inside me and there will be a way to change it. I just have to dig deeper in myself and find what actually is wrong with me. I wish you happy life and hope you recover from this disorder as well. Believe in yourself💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
I hope that you can. I told myself the same thing , but now I think I have to come to terms with it and instead of hiding it , I have to just let people know and maybe that's the way out? WHo knows....
I think the only thing that is "wrong" with us is that we think there is something wrong with us. This results in a vicious cycle. So when you think you have to fix something inside you, you are operating inside this cycle. You know what I mean? May be it's something to think about and find out for yourself if this is true...
@@MakeDemocracyMagnificientAgain I think you're right about the fact that Us thinking theres something wrong with us is part of the problem!! Honestly though, I can sympathize with people who feel weary of people with AVPD.. Being social is how our species has survived, so to go against that nature " atleast seems like we are to the rest of humanity" is strange. But in reality we don't want to be antisocial, we crave connection more than anyone.
You have to just literally do things. Whether you like it or not. Knowing that it is the right thing to do. Guess what most people feel the same way, the difference is we act on life and just do the things to function because life sucks more otherwise. The problem is you have taught yourself to think that avoiding issues makes them go away. The only thing that goes away is your relationships and your time. get over the fact that nobody understands, some how the same way you taught yourself to avoid the issue do that to what people think and why and start worrying about the how, what, where, and whens in life and you might start feeling better about acting out. The fear of criticism thing is bullshit. Seriously it's stupid, the other issue is that you can't just accept that. You Seriously have taught yourself that crap matters..... 😒
@@GardensoftheAncientsHerbal I have pushed thru it. I even managed to get married twice and have a child. But but marriages ended badly. Forcing it didn't work for me. If it did for you, you were probably less injured than I was. I can't see my issues, most happened before I could talk. I figured a lot of them out from family after wondering why my social life sucks so much.
Oh my god, everything you’ve listed I can 100% relate to Lisa. The slightly different feelings depending on the context of being around others for a reason vs just being with people, low self esteem and difficult thoughts that people don’t like you etc not matter how much others try and say otherwise. Relying on a partner as the only emotional and social support and then having nothing and no one when they’re gone. Being nearly 30 and feeling like you’re not able to create a life you like. Thank you so so much for being vulnerable and sharing ❤ I see you and that you deserve all the joy and connection in the world, you’re truly not alone in this disorder I would love to meet other people with this! (But recognise the disorder is the biggest blocker in us all actually reaching out and spending time together 😭)
You explained how I feel in this way I couldn’t even explain to myself. The gap. Being more cautious around girls esp when they’re gossiping about other people. It’s lonely out here 😔
awh girl i feel you. ♥ i have avoidant, borderline and paranoid personality disorder and i have never been able to make friends in real life. i cant be myself around people because i get so extremely anxious. now i'm just kind of used to the rejection, so i can't even voicechat with online friends, i always fear they will find me weird or reject me. i also have that mindset that maybe i'm just meant to be alone. it's really, really hard and i hope you'll find a way to recover because i'm kinda there now where i dont see an end to it. wish you the best
First off, you nailed it. This is me. The reason i clicked on your video was, i saw your picture and thought, "hey, even hot girls can be affected by this!?" So, negative thoughts are definitely at play, I just need to realise this about myself! Great video.
So we all know that there are judgmental, fake, gossiping, back stabbing, mean, nasty people in the world. That's a fact. I think the idea of a disorder comes in when you start expect this from everyone and close yourself off from everyone. Believe me when I say it's not everyone. There really nice, genuine, honest people in the world as well. I wish I new more people like you. The honesty and directness appeals to me. You might look at your self-talk and consider some self empowering affirmations. It's not just woo woo they can reshape you outlook and overall mental and emotional wellbeing.
That’s me, too, Lisa. Absolutely spot on. The phrase you used:- “ I don’t know how to create a support system for myself!” So accurate. Thank you for sharing this. You have helped me to realise that I’m not alone. That’s huge. Thank you for the bottom of my heart. It is a lonely disorder but today I feel that my soul has been touched. Your bravery is staggering,
Sharing your story on RU-vid is an accomplishment and very helpful for everyone out there whom suffers and deals with the disorder. :). I struggle with embarrassment my face goes red, i hate attention, fear of shame, my appearance. I have BPD and AVPD symptoms. You're very attractive and articulate.
I have recently found out I have APD. I am the exact same way. I want a friend so bad but feel as if I would be wasting their time and that they probably don’t like me anyway. I have no one to talk to. Everyone leaves. Thank you for this video and being so vulnerable. From the states
I just want to say that this video was amazing. I’m highly sensitive and have avoidant personality as well (even though therapists love to just generalize and not want to educate themselves on personality disorders) I also have body dysmorphia and a host of other disorders. I feel like you are very good with describing and showing what it is really like. I thank you
You are just so nice! I can relate to many things here, although the fear of abandonment and rejection are the hardest for me. It gets better by time as/if we learn social skills, but I feel like I put on a mask when trying to work on myself. Im a fun adventurous person, usually I have more acquaintances around me than others, I try to make everyone laugh, but it is just because of my hunger to being accepted and not ridiculed, and at the end of the day im so drained. So there are days im isolating and on others im social. Im vacillating between these two, and don't understand how others find balance so easily and effortlessly. It is the first time ive heard that someone with AvPD can be confident certain areas/times and completely be the opposite other cases, and I can relate to it so much. It is so hard when you consciously know something (that you are worthy and all) but don't believe it, and the struggle between eats all your energy, and all your power and potential get wasted due to this.
So as it happens I have been diagnosed with this disorder the other day. At 37 years, mind you. Now all my struggles make sense, this disorder is so much debilitating in every aspect of life. Even writing this comment is like exposing myself and the fear of ridicule and embarrassment is real and should I klick on comment that would be one of the most daring things I have done today, hahaha. Anyway, I find your video really insightful and I can relate so much and it kind of helps knowing that I am not alone. I would love to say that with hard work and a therapist there is relief someday but that would be dishonest. For me at least. I need to find a way to cope with it so I can make progress in life. But the feelings will alway be there. It is kind of scary to be honest. One step at a time i guess. I like your accent by the way. English is not my first language so I hope my comment is somewhat understandable.
Honesty is my biggest problem Jan, I can totally understand how hard it is to open up, when you feel whats inside isn't something you want to share because it might bring concern to a fellow loved one to hear about your pain and suffering. But it really helps to have someone hear you out especially on the youtube's comment section 😄
I have AvPD also. It has been life-altering. For me I express it best by saying I want things I fear and fear things that I want. The result is just this constant limbo. And a continuous yo-yo in my mind, building myself up to try and do things, but being sure I'll back down. There is an illogical, but very relieving comfort, in that safety. I'm in my 40s and can say it does get better a little. But the thing is that whilst I'm less sensitive, the opportunities to push past my boundaries are just not there anymore. Life now just cannot have the same possibilities it might have had when I was a teenager. I have to grieve for that part of myself that's lost. To others suffering, I say to practice self-compassion. Try to focus on the better things. Thanks for making this video, it found me more than I it, sending you my understanding and wishing you peace and comfort. You do a great service talking about this so openly and honestly.
Lisa, I’ve been there before, and it doesn’t last forever. At least, it didn’t for me. The fear of rejection and of being judged fades. It hasn’t gone away completely for me, but the desire to accomplish what I want to accomplish, and to live my life to the fullest, is now stronger than my fear. In fact, I was in my mid-to-late 20s when this transition started-that’s how old you were when you made this video. I’m looking forward to seeing more of your videos to see how far you’ve come. For everyone out there with avoidant personality disorder, here are just a few strategies to add to your toolbox. To get to know people, try pretending to be confident. It takes a while for people to realize that you’re shy, so if you can get to know someone before they catch on, then you’re already friends, and there’s no reason to be shy anymore. Even try treating new acquaintances like you are already friends. This removes hesitation and doubt on your part, so it makes the other person feel more welcomed. Take a moment now and then to focus on how you feel, and then think about how you want to feel. Are the unwanted emotions there because you are holding on to them? If so, let them dissipate. Think of the big picture, and do what you will wish you had done. As avoidants, we are forced to learn a lot when we are very young. We learn to control our emotions (as well as children can) and our actions so that we can avoid harm. However, avoiding harm causes us to miss out on a lot of socialization, so we fall behind in a lot of ways. But still, we can empathize and sympathize with anyone who has been hurt, or who has just burst into tears, or who feels alone. I had a violin teacher when I was in high school who said that people with avoidant personality disorder are rare and precious. I was also told that we have everything that makes humans beautiful and none of the deceit. I don’t always remember these compliments, but I’m reminded of them now. They’re true for you all, too.
I try to not think all the time but when the problem with people comes i keep thinking about me, how useless i am, how my fear is killing me everyday but i can't handle. I want to cry so hard. Scream to sky, to my family and everyone around me. I'm exhausted. "You are too shy, try to go out. Stop being at home and be more talkative". I do want, whatever you guys think, i do want that most.
You described my life more than I ever could. I am 200% exaclty like this. It feels nice to see that I am not the only one.. I’m feeling so worthless... following you.. 😔👊🏻
recently just got diagnosed myself with avpd and i can releate to alot of the things that you're saying. I've always knew that i was (felt) different comparred to everyone eles from early childhood, especially how people socialize and seems to have a life compared to me merly just existing. It's kinda hard to describe, but i find it hard (rather impossible) to "crack the code" that everyone besides me has done. ontop of that i have a huge issue with keeping a steady job which just makes my situation alot worse and depressing. It's a bit exhausting of keep lying to the few people in my life about my situation which makes me actually avoid them more. Not too optimistic about my situation but i do hope i will find "meaning" to life and start to live it instead of just existing. Huge kudos to you for making this video and talking about it, never would have the courage to do just that and im happy for you that you have
I feel like I have this and I go to see a therapist for the first time next month. I especially think it's confusing because I can totally pretend to deal successfully with anybody unfamiliar that I HAVE to deal with but inside I am wrecked and exhausted. People always say 'but you seem so confident'. Also, not striving for anything...jobs, relationships, friends, anything that requires me to put myself out there. Ugh. Thank you so much for filming this.
Hi Lisa, I completely get what you're saying. I'm 51 years old and I have been dealing with this condition all of my life. It has been very difficult to say the least. Just to go outside and not be afraid of people would be so freeing and the greatest gift. I wish you well and hope you, me, and everyone else on this earth who is suffering with this can overcome it.
I could literally take your experience, thoughts, and feelings and put them in my life. At 38 years old, I know I have missed out on living the best life I could live, but even knowing it I never tried changing. I am currently working on it. Thank you for being so open and facing it!
Thank you for saying this….I needed to hear it..I relate to it. It’s almost like I’m having a conversation with myself. I’m new to this disorder. I think you have amazing strength to speak up..so..thank you
You are very likable.. and people like me dont give out compliments to be nice, we only do it when we really mean it. So trust that. I really connect with the part where you mentioned feeling like you are wasting your life with this.. I get that. I feel it too with my issues..
I respect what you are saying, I want people to just say how they really feel because it's easier for me to understand them. So yes, a lot of this I resonate with first off. The comedy, the not having many girl friends, the wanting to make friends but can't because I also think it's going to be the end of the world. The always feeling like I'm hiding and being drained around people. I don't have the answers to how to fix it. But I feel like if we all talk a little about it, maybe we can slowly meet same minded people and make some sort of network. Safely in our own time. I dunno. I would personally like that. Not forced in big goes but if you like someone just have a tea with them in your house kind of thing.... Could there be such a thing? I'd join. Do some art, drink tea, talk about reliant things.... That would be nice.
I just watched your video and I'm legit speechless. I relate to every single thing you said. It's sad too because looking you I'm thinking why is this girl insecure? she's gorgeous, she's cool....and yet I know you won't really register that just like I don't. I always end up thinking okay he's into me NOW until he will actually look at me longer.... closer..... and realize I'm ugly. No matter how many guys have been head over heals for me I always feel that, always. I too feel like I'm wasting my life. I don't want to go to people packed places because I don't want people looking at me, assessing me because I feel judged somehow. Like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough just not enough. And really we should say F#&$K it who cares, lets live our lives EFF IT but it's somehow so hard to do. When I force myself I'm mentally and emotionally drained when I get home.
I'm working on a diagnoses but after years of frantically searching all of psychology, I finally landed on my main issues and they are literally EVERY diagnoses criteria for AVPD. It's astounding to see almost EVERY internal thought and observation I make about myself being mirrored by someone else. ALL social contact of any kind (Except maybe internet text?) feels like EXTREME pressure to perform. I literally just got caught on a 4-5hr call w/ some friends and friends of friends playing a boardgame I HATED a few weeks ago, and now I've been avoiding talking to that group again instead of just telling them I wished I could have left earlier. Your example of staying on calls longer than you'd like is SOOOO real, wow. It makes me feel like SUCH a failure to assert ANYTHING that I want, unless I have some clear, concrete justification... Thank you for opening up, I'm sure it's difficult. I hope to be in therapy soon as well.
hey thank you for making this, I've struggled with a pathological lack of self-confidence, social anxiety, fear of failure/embarrassment and being vulnerable/emotionally intimate, extreme sensitivity to criticism, etc, my whole life. I also cover it all up with humor, and put on a front. I completely relate to the experiences you outline here. I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, but I always felt those diagnoses just didn't capture certain nuances of my mental health (or lack thereof), or cut to any root cause. I've been exploring AVPD further, and videos like this are so important. Whether or not I'm diagnosable with AVPD, this experience is incredibly isolating, and it's been cathartic to really see myself in other people.
Having AvPD was definitely one of the most difficult disorders to deal with. As for me, I have AvPd and I am also introverted. Its like I'm fighting myself over what is it that I really want. Then I came to realize that all this avoiding wasn't from just me being an introvert, but also from anxiousness. At first I thought I had schizoid personality disorder, but I don't try to act cold or try my absolute hardest to be alone. I am sure that being an extrovert with AvPD is harder, most would be desperate for friend hangouts and they just avoid because of just fear of rejection. I was an extrovert in my childhood, i wanted to be friends with everyone. And now im older and i became the complete opposite. I think the things that affected me in my childhood, i never expected how much it would change me. High school was when i got diagnosed. Its funny how instead of learning about others, I learned more and more about myself. Im still a crazy mess though
I’ve been looking for videos like this for months now and I’m so happy that you were brave enough to share your experience. I’ve had avpd for the majority of my life and I feel so alone because I constantly feel rejected by people. I have a fear of embarrassment too but rejection is definitely top one ! I believe that there is something inherently wrong with me, something that I can’t change doesn’t matter how hard I try and that everybody else is able to sense it. It’s really tough especially if you’re craving deep connections and relationships with people. Thank you again for sharing what you’re going through ! I genuinely hope that one day we all get to overcome this ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for this video I related to everything you said and have been suffering with all those symptoms 24/7 for as long as I Remeber. I did heroin for ten years I think to cover up my constant discomfort. I am 31 now with 4 years sober and am just now finding out I have avoidant personality disorder. I must admit I got really emotional watching this. thank you so much for posting this.
If it's any consolation, I'm going through the same stuff and am an even bigger mess! Self love/understanding and just finding balance is a long road and the hardest part is not beating yourself up for everything. Much love, respect and huge hugs to you! PS. U r very pretty and funny and lovable
I commend u for opening up. I too, have this disorder and PTSD. I to feel n see the same thing about women. They r cruel n judge mental where as men r kinder n accepting. My suggestion is look into therapy that uses IFS ( INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS) method. I have never had more than one friend, never a relationship n can’t work or do some type of schooling. I have been in therapy for little over a yr and it has changed me tremendously. I have proper boundaries and I like myself for first time in my life. It’s been exhausting therapy but well worth it. Also I have taken personality test and I’m an INFJ, empath, n hyper sensitive. Researching my personality has helped me learn who I am. Everything u described is exactly my feelings n thoughts. Im finally seeing my worth and value. I can be some what happy with myself so I don’t feel I need someone in my life to make me happy. I have never felt this way in my life! But I still have a long way to go and no I don’t believe I will ever be cured of this but I no I can improve to a point of enjoying life to a degree. Im much happier with myself when I don’t interact with people. I guess I’m safe in my bubble but I’m also happy with myself there. Projection is another topic I suggest researching. A lot of our mental issue is projection of ourselves not really how others view us but what we BELIEVE of ourselves which we believe is how people see us. I hope the best for u 😊
I just figured out yesterday that I have AvPD as well. I knew there was something wrong and finally came to this and I have nearly all the traits heavily. I thank you for making the video. This is the first video I've seen of someone making a video and it's really amazing to see someone who is so similar to me. What you said about living in your lungs around people you're uncomfortable with. I know it's difficult to have self-esteem but no matter what Jesus loves you and many more. The more I listen it's amazing. Just like the not being able to cut a conversation. Haha that happens to me everytime.
I think my teenage son has been dealing with this since a very young age, I've researched every disorder and think this fits his behaviours, he no longer attends school as he suffers anxiety and also dependency on others emotionally, I'm waiting for a assessment for him and hope to get some answers for both him and me as a mum to support him. Thank you for speaking as I'm sure doing this was very hard
Your honesty is so Raw and Pure. The impact of your share is impossible to quantify, and that is only because it is so profoundly massive and like time and space will have no bounds to its reach. YOU DID THAT and ITS FOREVER HERE , PULSING OUTWARD AND ONWARD ... GRATEFUL 4 YOUR SHARE! Something you said .... along the lines of... looking outward we see whats inside or vice versa .. DEEP!!!! I HOPE YOUR BRAVE GIFT MIRRORS BACK THE GIFT UPON YOU INFINITY FOLD! LOVE AND LIGHT!!! YOU ARE A WARRIOR AND THANK YOU! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOUR SPIRIT IS BEAUTIFUL! BELIEVE IT!
Hope you doing well! I also have this disorder and it is like basically being a prisoner having to watch life pass you by is soooo painful! It takes everything away from you and leaves you with only your feelings! That is brutal! Why not take it all from me then you stupid disorder!! Shame and venerability is the big thing for me! And apparently 2.5 % of people have this not sure if its worldwide but there are quite a few of us but still i hit a brick wall with all people they just dont see it! Its too invisible for them to see this illness! I wish you the best and never give up! :)
Thank you for this video. You have made me realize that I care way too much about what other people think about me. Having these thoughts run through my head all day every day is so exhausting! I can tell by listening to you, you feel the same way. It is not fun by any means. I also struggle with BPD and relate to holding in my emotions. I describe it as wanting to let myself be but I feel trapped inside. I think the solution is becoming more comfortable with yourself, independently. As humans, we judge ourselves and others by appearance. Working on our inner being takes focus off physical “flaws.” I’ve been gaining more confidence with DBT and reading books about self love. It is deep within us to create the person we would love to be. Self affirmations and surrounding yourself with positivity is key. Stop watching those heartbreaking movies or listening to depressing music. Fill your mind with love. You hit the nail on the head when you spoke about law of attraction. You will attract more love, wealth, and health if you continuously implement them into your daily routine. Cleanse your mind.
Thank you for making this video and letting us look into the window of your life and see that we are not alone. It was exactly what I needed today. This disorder isn’t all that uncommon and it’s strange to realize how many ppl walk around concealing this inner torment. It’s remarkable for someone to ‘out’ the disorder. Kudos!!
Yeah I've been dealing with this basically my whole life but it's especially painful because out of my 7 siblings 3 sisters and 4 brothers, I'm the only going thru this personality disorder except for my little sister who looked up to me when I was younger but she has a family and it makes me feel like of she can connect in order to make a family than there's hope for me. There's always hope and nothing is impossible ❤
@@David98004 I’m also the only one of several siblings with this disorder. But if your family is anything like mine, you’ll notice variants of anxiety in the group. Also personality disorders. They may not have manifested disfunction in the same form as you, but if there was disfunction ...They’re not normal!! It’s easy for us to think of ourselves as broken-winged but our chemistry was more suited to observable anxiety than, say, some other way of processing. Some ppl simply became mean, or narcissistic, or unfeeling. I don’t know your family. Just that, yes, there’s hope! And they’re probably not as well adjusted as you think.
@@meleshenko3767 Yeah the thing is I was separated from my parents at the age of 5 from the government and I was really sad and felt lonely for most of those years that I was separated. I came back to living with my mom when I was 11 and I didn't speak a lick of spanish because my foster parents were black American and Jamaican American which caused me to forget Spanish and thus made it difficult for me to communicate in a healthy way with my mom and in the future with my dad.
@@David98004 have you been diagnosed? A lot of trauma based disorder starts around or before age of six. It messes with our hardwiring. Fortunately we can rewire. Have you read about complex trauma?
I've watched a few videos created by those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder; you are the first that comes closest in representation to my own!
@@LisaCaseyComedy There are some ways our disorders differ. You say you feel comfortable being with one person, I don't feel comfortable around anyone, not even my own family. I have had many relationships but grow increasingly uncomfortable in each one, until I feel it's time to leave it before the partner sees how messed up I am. Your outlet is comedy, I also use humour as a coping mechanism; a spontaneous wit is something I do have, but it is dependent on how much I feel rejected. My main outlet is my music, my lyrics, and creative writing about various issues, and this is an area where Avoidant Personality Disorder has had a huge positive impact, the only way it has, I am very creative, the board at Oxford University described my lyrics as ingenious and unique; knowing that is all I can hold on to because my disorder has always prevented from at least having a go at taking my music into the public domain. I am presently in Canada as a visitor because I am married to a Canadian, she is a very needy person, craves attention all day long, gets angry a lot because I'm incapable of meeting those needs, thinks I can turn off my disorder with the flick of a switch, thinks I'm a nasty person because I can't, because I need space, need to escape, be on my own, which she won't allow, so you can imagine what that feels like morning to night. She doesn't accept that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, instead she thinks I'm a narcissist, so believes I'm intentionally trying to hurt her, that my need to escape to another room because of that fog you spoke of, the feeling of suffocation, being psychologically and emotionally burnt out, my periods of silence, are all ways to hurt her, to make her suffer. Clearly, a very need person and someone who meets all seven criteria of APD, is the worst possible match, and condition only makes her feel more insecure. I keep telling her she would be better off without me, that I would be better off alone, so I don't negatively impact anyone, and I mean it, but of course, when you say that to your partner they become even more clingy to the point of.threatening suicide if I leave, All of this only piles more pressure on, more guilt, more shame, increasing that feeling you don't deserve to live, but I know, in the long run, the best thing for her is to be rid of me. I want to return to the UK with my Bichon Frise, Sebastian, who is my whole world, and get treatment, but my experience has been the same as yours, counsellors I've seen have seen have been bitterly disappointing, minimising the disorder, showing no interest in me or my condition, leaving me feeling more broken, more worthless, than before. I want you to know I was extremely moved by your video, but I think you will get where I am coming from when I say my fear is that you will find me and my account boring, that I make zero impression on you; I know contact with others make you feel that way, well it's the same for me, and, in a way, the thought of of being rejected by someone else with APD is a more terrifying one, because it means you are completely alone. So, I put my music out under lots of names, because I find it fun to do that, and because my music is multi-genre, one end of the spectrum to the other, but I mostly go by the names Steven Vellou and Gothic Funk. I do plan to watch some of your comedy videos; that's another thing I couldn't do, sit in front of a camera and perform, so we are different in that way too; I admire you for it, you clearly have strengths I don't 🙂
I feel like I always wanted attention and to feel accepted but for some reason I felt like I could project my own insecurities to people around me and that they could use that against me so I always avoided commiting in long conversations and not make any effort to reach out to people. I can never establish many friendships because I cant commit to it, I rather just self isolate than going through any awkward moments and people think I'm egocentric or careless and its totally the opposite. I've grown too comfortable with my own self yet I'm still and will always be extremely self conscious. I recently married and currently my whole world is my husband and I am aware that if we ever stopped being together id be completely alone. I loathe video calls and most of the times I hate my face even though people tell you you're beautiful you still feel flawed. It is truly shocking to hear you talk and know there is someone out there that knows what I've been through my whole life.
You're not alone, Lisa. I am the same, i have 30 years old, i have barely one friend and i had never interact with a girl, i am socially awkward and this is my lonely life. I don't like to speak to anybody and i am very introvert. I am loosing also in my professional life because at my job i lack a lot of needed self confidence to go ahead in the career. Also when walking on the street, i am always thinking that others stare at me, and it is very exhausting. 😔 And in the rest of your description, i can totally find myself. I am already thinking that all people thinks bad of me, so i am not trying anymore to change their opinions,so i avoid everybody. Also i am not a bad person, if somebody speaks to me, i answer nicely and i am probably too respectful. I dont want to harm anybody, i am not antisocial. Only asocial and introvert. I feel like a prisoner in myself and i will go for a psychological help, maybe it will solve something.
Hello Lisa, I am going to turn 50 at the end of this year and I have struggled with a lot of these same issues for my entire life. I very recently tried to reach out of my comfort zone and to my dismay, I feel like it has ended with a painful letdown. When I was younger I would usually retreat to a bottle to try to numb the pain of these experiences. For a variety of reasons not due to any real growth or maturity, I can’t simply run to a bottle anymore. I also spent years trying to “fix” myself in therapy and to some marginal degree, I feel that I have been able to manage my dysfunction, but for the most part I am still unhappy and not at peace with myself. There is way too much emphasis on grandiosity and winning in the world. The overarching message is that it is never good enough to merely exist, but rather one must always endeavor to triumph over others and also beam and gloat about it afterwards. Some of us just want to be left alone for the most part, but not have to suffer loneliness. I do not know what keeps me going, but I try to have faith that there is some light somewhere at the end of the tunnel and that all of my fumbling through the darkness will one day make perfect sense to me. In the meantime I also try to have a little grace about it all and show some kindness to others who may need it. And with that said I just wanted to say thank you for posting this video. I hope that you will always hang in there and continue to pursue your life in whatever manner that brings you some meaning and happiness and I will certainly have to watch some of your comedy! All the best to you. Sincerely, Gordon
I resonated with everything you said. I feel your pain, every day can be such a struggle. As you can see by the comment section you are not alone 💕you are beautiful inside and out I hope you are doing better since you recorded this video. I will definitely check out your other content, you gained a friend here :)
im writing a novella about an old woman who struggled with this all her life, and she starts to conquer her disorder by heroic actions she takes toward the end. I can link it when its done if you want. Also, off topic, but you are SO pretty!!!
can't focus on the video, drowning in shame: - absolute failure in my career - unattractive/overweight/diabetic - zero friends - never been in a relationship - poverty - shackled by the past, by my fears (no idea how to turn my life around)
Think I might have this or social anxiety (hell, might be even both). I have a very low tolerance when it comes to social interactions. I can put on enough of a mask to where new people'll think I'm "nice" or "friendly". But if I have to constantly see a person like at a job, I become totally inept. I always feel there's a barrier between me and other people; I can't loosen up even if I tried. I hate others telling me "just be confident! Put yourself out there!" too. Like, its not that easy, Sharon! Years of learned behavior from childhood can't be fixed on the fly.
I just found out that APD is what i have after wondering my whole life (39 years) what is wrong with me and why ive always been a social outcast and seem to be destined to live this lonely isolated life where you can observe normal people socializing and interacting with each other and always having something to say right away with no problems, but no matter how much i try i can almost never do it myself naturally. I always think that what im saying probably sounds stupid and that im either making too much or not enough eye contact which i convince myself that its making the other person uncomfortable where in reality i think its all in my head but its too powerful to override. I was amazed to find out that other people suffer from this i thought i was the only one. The things you described Lisa are spot on. I am conviced that when someone gives me a nice compliment or does something nice that its either a lie or they're trying to manipulate me and i hate thinking that. I was surprised to hear you say you think your unattractive because 100% honest you are very pretty so it is hard to see how you can think that about yourself, but this stupid personality disorder messes with our thinking so much its so frustrating. I respect you very much for the openness and its really encouraging to me as someone with this darn disorder.
I only just found out my brother has been suffering from AVPD for decades. He’s just had a heart attack at the age of 54, probably due to his misuse of drugs and medication. It’s been hard to watch him over the years but now I understand the cause it all makes sense. I used to see him as weak but I now I see him as brave.
You are a beautiful person! I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing about yourself. You are very relatable and real. Thank you for helping me understand more about APD.
I've spent an hour and half trying to figure out what to say. But, I really appreciate you speaking about your journey! From one avoidant to another. Thank you!
When I listen to you talk it's amazing how exact you're feelings are to mine. I give you major props for even making a video about how you feel. I wouldn't even do something like that because I would feel Like im looking for pity. I know that's not what you are doing , but I would feel Too embarrassed you know? Wish I had the confidence to reach out like that.I've Had AVPD since I was too young to remember. I really struggled to go to school and be away from my mother. I'm 32 now and feel like I am not apart of this world at all. I haven't accomplished anything in my life because I've always been too afraid of failing and what people would think of me. I am basically a drain on the other two people in my life that I am comfortable enough to rely on. I know exactly how you feel and unfortunately this kind of thing is a life sentence. I used to pretend that one day I would be a normal girl and have a normal life with friends and a "grown up career" but that's a fantasy. I'm really sorry that you don't feel you have any support in your life. If you ever want to talk message me. We don't know each-other but it might be nice for you to actually reach out for once eh? Goodluck to you, you're beautiful btw:).
