I Review Amazon Self Defense Products 

"Don't try this at home" *is trying it at home* "Be careful" *hits himself with the tactical whip*

Wait, so I'm confused. Am I supposed to buy one of these items to defend myself, or am I supposed to call Markiplier when a threat arises? Does he come with a self-defense item included, or should I have one on me? And when Markiplier attacks me, do I call Markiplier to protect me from Markiplier? I have so many questions.

mark: “ im not a masochist” also mark: “ow this whip hurts real bad” *whips himself again*

Mark: "I'm not a masochist" Also Mark, mere seconds later: Bonks mannequin head on head

Favorite Mark Quote, “Newton’s Laws are a bitch”

Every time Markiplier claims he's "not a masochist" it's immediately followed by him getting hurt somehow

Markiplier was ADHD mode throughout the whole video, this video made me laugh more than I ever did in my life

mark genuinely thinking that the rape whistle is to.. defean an assaultent instead of alert others is honestly peak comedy.

this feels like mark kidnapped us and is showing us how not to get kidnapped next time but he's not very experienced

Did you just... test that on your broken foot?

I love watching mark struggling to put together a dummy and realizing he went to college for engineering.

Honestly is someone pulled out a collapsible staff when squaring up I’d be terrified

The chances of seeing Markiplier angrily walking towards you in a dark alleyway is low, but never zero.

Mark: "I'm not a masochist" Also mark: "Tactical whip."

Mark going through the 5 stages of grief while trying to build Steve is such a mood.

29:07 After watching Hard2Hurt, I realize that Mark does NOT know how to fight. The tacticle whip is easily the best self defense tool in this lineup. The flashlight baton they chose has many issues, as it can easily be grabbed by the aggressor, very obvious you have it, seems rather difficult to activate the taser aspect (Especially under pressure of a real fight), and Mark doesn't even really test how blinding the light aspect is. I also noticed how Mark didn't follow through with their strikes using the tacticle whip. It doesn't bounce back if you FOLLOW THROUGH, and that also amplifies the damage! Not to mention people can't really grab it too well in terms of leverage due to the pliable nature of a whip. And you can SWITCH to lethality by using that sharp tip of the handle in close range.

Let this be a lesson to anyone willing to attack Mark. You could probably just stand still and Mark will end up hurting himself.

I also like how Markiplier is actively trying to replace the one thing he truly lost, not unus annus, not even Ethan, his dearly beloved tactical shovel...

17:18 those alarms are actually really great for when you’re walking alone and you need to get attention really quickly if you’re an emergency situation

Imagine trying to attack Markiplier and he just pulls out a whip and starts smacking you to death lol

"because people might mistake me for some kind of masochist, which isn't true" *thinks back to the 100,000 steps in a day video*

Markiplier "i'm not a masochist" Also markiplier "i need a woman who can crush my head between her thighs, it's not sexual it's a power thing"

2:14 “DYSLEXIA OVERLOAD” *Me, bursting out laughing in the corner of the room.*

“IMMA NA DIEEEEE IMMMMM GOINGGGGG TOOOOOO DIEEEEEEEEE” was majestic 20:06

"I'm NOT a masochist!" -Mark, literally hundreds of times right before he willing puts himself in pain, as if he was some sort of masochist.

Alternative Title: I’m a man who owns five ovens, several tactical shovels and now self defense weapons

"You're in a peculiar situation of having too much money." Can't relate.

14:47 *rattles of list* "I'm not going to remember any of those" Relatable

Mark: “He’s probably not got a lot of electrical resistance on him” Steve: Is rubber

this video is a perfect summary of Mark's being

I love how Mark is like “I’m not going to use these on myself. I’m not a masochist.” And lixian disproves that statement almost immediately 😂😂😂😂

"You're under attack from me! Who's protecting myself from you!"

Mark: "People might mistake me for some kind of masochist..." Everyone else: "You masochist"

mark’s not a masochist, he just wants to test the maximum of his self defense

The noise thing actually seems useful for SA resistance. I would still recommend carrying a weapon as well in case the attacker isn't discouraged. (pepper spray, tazer, etc.)

"today we are going to test non lethal options of self defense items" *Pulls out a mini-axe with ten sharpened butt plugs*

Mark: "I'm not a masochist." Also mark: hates manaquins (buys one), whips himself, flogs himself with a wallet, plays with a knife (scaring himself in the process), and stabs his hand with a spike.

Alternate title: mark definitely not proving that he 100% isn’t a masochist

This is literally on the top of my list of videos that make me laugh every time! Mark has literally pulled me out of depression countless times. With Mark tries, Mark’s mom, Unus Anus, Try not to Laugh and so many more he never fails to cheer me up when I’m down.

The Ham-axe-ench multitool actually does serve one potential useful purpose in self defense: It looks like a tiny hatchet in the dark. Hold it up and charge at your attacker while screaming. If they have any sense, they'll think you look insane and will run away.

“PeOpLe mIgHt mIsTaKe Me FoR a M a S o C h I s T” oh no good sir, there’s no mistake.

Guys, he's not a sadist. He just wants to see how far he can push Steve's body.

If Markiplier has an electric baton he is gonna end the world as we know it.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM MARKIPLIER: stand still. He’ll probably just get himself hurt.

Mark:I'm NOT a masochist Also mark:*almost broke a window*

When he said “IM GOING TOOOOOO DIEEEEEEE” I honestly vibed to that

Sometimes it hits me occasionally, to think this is the same guy who comforted my crying sister at a comicon once upon a time.

"You're under attack from me, who's protecting himself from you, and you're about to be destroyed, exept ...you've got me on your side" ... I can already tell this is going to be a great video

The tactical pen has a real window breaker on it, while the stabby aluminum won’t break a window nearly as well because it is aluminum and not iron tip. The aluminum one works better just to stab and run while the tactical pen as a window breaker. Video is great.

So how did you die? Person: car crash. Another person: cancer Markiplier: in perfect tune bro. In perfect tune

"can't get Steve off" It's OK Markiplier, everyone's needs are different

"I'm not a masochist" Mark it's been over 4 years, give it up.

24:18 I was laying in bed, about to fall asleep, and the balloon popping startled me awake 😂

“You gotta keep your count aselfable” fav quote

I don’t think Mark has interacted with another human being in a while.

Mark isn't a masochist, he's just testing out his pain tolerance

15:48 Those things are commonly used here in Japan too. Very useful. When you're being targeted or attacked, you pull the pin and then throw it. The attacker would usually go for the alarm since it's out and attracts people. That's when you run away

4:20 Mark - Steve say hi Steve - help 😂

"YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK...from me...WHO'S PROTECTING HIMSELF...from you! And you're about to be DESTROYED! Except, you have ME on your side!" -Markiplier 2021

It’s a competition... Mark: rates takis Ethan: rates fries Mark: *pissed* .. rates self defence tools

Him almost testing the window on his own window killed me

12:19 when he is talking about the “whip ability” I just imagined the song let it whip specifically when the Treblemackers sing it

Friendly reminder he is NOT A MASOCHIST just testing the limits of his body.

So I'm being attacked by Mark because mark is defending himself from attacking me but luckily i have mark on my side. Seems legit

the "screechers" as i call them are more of an alarm for other people if your getting taken or robbed than a self defense tool. That's why they come out so easily

You can see how close the intrusive thoughts are to winning when he almost takes The Stinger to the window

Markipliers catchphrase is slowly becoming "I'm not a masochist"

Mark is like a child trapped in a mans body, that’s what makes him so great

I love that right after he says im not gonna test the weapons on myself he proceeds to hit himself with steve mate really forgot that people might mistake him for a masochist

You gotta love Mark for testing and approving Amazon self-defence weapons for the safety of the viewers, The True King Of Fnaf and RU-vid!

I keep remembering Sean saying about mark “I can’t tell if he’s a genius or an idiot”

mark: *literally was gonna be an engineer* also mark: *struggles to put together a training dummy*

I've been crying and laughing this whole time. You're still very funny I use to watch you a while ago when I was younger. You're the best you definitely put a smile on my face today 😁

We ain’t gonna talk about how at 11:49 he was actually about to break his window

markiplier really misses unus annus

Alternative Title: Unsupervised Hyperactive Man-Child Plays With Potentially Dangerous (Discounted) Weapons

I absolutely love the editing, makes the video a lot more entertaining. Great job Lixian!

20:08 are we gonna talk about how clean that was tho

“If I get a discount on ending someone’s life, you know I’m gonna take that chance.” -Markiplier 2021

Mark: "I'm not a masochist" Also Mark: hits his head against a dummy repeatedly, buys a whip, buys a paddle wallet

The collapsable staff at 27:48 looks like a light saber

you know the best part about this is not the actual review but mark attempting to assemble the damn dummy 🤣

Marks doctor sees title and thumbnail: "sigh, nurse get a bed ready" Nurse: "why?" Doctor: "just a feeling"

i love how Mark was deadass just about to demonstrate how to break a window with the tactical whip, before he realized "shit, wait, that's a fucking HORRIBLE idea"

20:35 he he he he

11:50 brain quickly kicks in

what i understand from this video: - you need to deal a mixt of physical and magic damage to robbers otherwise it will not be effective - markiplier is a masochist

Mark: “You see me, coming at you, really fast with anger on my face.” Me: Hee hoo?

I used to feel bad about being dyslexic, but after this video, I’m glad to say I’m happy to be a happy problem

Mark trying to put on that bracelet was like a mission impossible scene 😂

I love how he’s still trying to defend him not being a masochist

Mark: "Im not a masochist" Mark: proceeds to whip himself

22:13 I think i want that bracelet now

I’m sorry but the line “you gotta keep yourcount aselfable” had me cracking up. Ps: I think he forgot to pop up the little thing to blow up the tough guy.

What fills me with joy is that steve is apparently shorter than mark which in my eyes would imply that mark is defending himself from a child

Mark: "It's a tactical PEN" Me: "Alright, calm down Percy Jackson"

"The more money you put in the more damage it does." Real life pay to win 💀

I would not have expected to be so wonderfully entertained with the subject of self defense. I should have known better Mark is both a comic genius and an amazing likeable personality. I have never subscribed to a channel so quickly in my life. You are brilliant and seem like an amazingly fun person to be around!

The public: Why does Mark go to the hospital so much? Mark: Records himself showing off cheap self defense weapons and pointing a taser at his face.

Everybody: “Mark’s a masochist.” Mark: *There is no war in Ba Sing Se*