Yes but when you're dating someone you should make your intentions clear. You shouldn't lead someone on to think the relationship might result in marriage when theres no chance of that. He knows she thinks it's leading there but hasn't told her it's not.
If at six months in you’re already scared to tell her about major life decisions without her having a meltdown then I’m sorry to say you don’t really have a relationship. Ditch her. Buy the house.
I agree with that. Other people are like "it's YOUR decision, she has no say" which is technically true but you can't ignore the relationship part of this. It has huge implications.
Yeah true. Its just very weird how he thinks she might get angry. I doubt i would ever have a situation where I would get angry when I don't have a say in buying something big when just dating for a relatively short time. Like i understand talking about it or helping, but getting angry about it just seems surreal. I think he needs to run, or have a good talk, cause he obviously doesn't seem really into it. 😅
It’s more about he doesn’t want to even tell her about it. I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to ask for my input but I would expect him to tell me about a major life decision, especially one I’m going to find out about anyway.
There's not even close to being enough info here to have a clue what's going on. Does he think that she'd want to be included because they are currently living together lol. That's kind of a huge deal does he plan to skip out and leave her in breach of lease? Or is he overestimating her level of care about his financial decisions? Or is he spot on? He sounds young so maybe she would like to be included at some level but the whole thing sounds weird. He might want to humor himself and try having a conversation; he might learn a bit about his partner lol.
But that doesn't mean you just do it and be like "oh by the way, I bought a new house and I'm moving in it." Unless you don't care for her and want to break up.
When I was dating my girlfriend I was house hunting and I was completely open with her on my house searching and she didn't give me any problems as I didn't include her at all in my decisions. After finding the house and closing on the deal she stayed completely neutral in my house decision. After I closed on the house and got settled in I put a engagement ring on her finger. We are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary in a few months and of course shes had a huge say in our subsequent house searches since then.
Yes, that's right. By the time you were married, you had a home to put her in, without expense to her. And you two were right and properly ready to start your future together with a home base.
My now-husband was in the process of buying a home when we first started dating. He took me to see it, but I tried really hard to remain neutral and encouraging to him. He was totally trying to feel me out, but we hadn't had a DTR talk and that was HIS house, not mine. I think a lot of people have these things backwards. He bought the house, we eventually married and I moved in (in that order), and we moved to a larger home when I got pregnant with our 2nd child. It's JUST a house.
Same here, we weren’t married when hubby bought us a house…3 years later we got married…still living in the house* I was very much apart of the process of choosing the house, my opinion mattered to him. I never pressured him, he wanted to buy a house…I went along for the process. Every situation is different* I think he should at least be open with her, why start a relationship with lies?
It is always just a house but it is a lot of life that goes into it. Think how many people can not afford to buy a home, so think how many hours of ones life goes into being able to afford one. It is just a house until it burns to the ground and then it is a home.
@@madisonandthefarm I totally agree he should be open with her, but he should also feel comfortable being open with her, which it sounds like he's not. Those are some red flags right there. Honestly why even be in a relationship with someone if you don't want to be open and don't see a future? Both sides are weird on this one.
If you are not married she has no say in buying a house is correct. But the fact that you don't want her to know and have some say speaks volumes of where you are in this relationship.
As someone who just dodged a HUGE bullet earlier this year by not buying a house with my ex boyfriend, DO NOT include your girlfriend. If she's mad, wants to leave you, then you, brother, may dodge a bullet yourself. I was going to be the one signing the papers and taking out the mortgage, his name wasn't going to be on the paperwork. He got WAAAYYYY too much of a say in the process. I even knew we would be breaking up at some point, just by the way the relationship was going. I would've been stuck with a house, on my own, that he helped me pick, in a state with no family of my own.
Tell her. But, it's not a "I need your feedback" it's a FYI. There is no need to have an argument. Just let her know and if she reacts inappropriately then there is your answer on your future.
If she is marriage material, he should wait to buy a house when they’re married. Otherwise, buy your house and dump the woman you already disregard anyway. Sounds like he’s not interested in her long term.
@@eatpigsnot but as Dave says, if you’re not married you have a roommate. If you take it seriously enough that your 15 or 30 year mortgage decision needs the others input, then you should probably get married.
@@MansterBear i am not against marriage but i abhor the notion married people are somehow better or more accomplished than non married people. how the couple handles their relationship is what matters, not whether or not they had a wedding
@@eatpigsnot it doesn’t have anything to do with being better. It has to do with the insane amount of risk you take on making binding financial decisions with someone you have no legal connection or obligation to.
It goes both ways. I’m a male, but I can see the other side. If he does this, then he has no standing to complain about a decision she may make in the future without consulting him. If he doesn’t confide in her, it begins a rather unhealthy precedent that he was responsible for creating.
You’re missing the point. Even though it will be his decision, if you’re dating somebody, they get to be included in what’s going on in your life. It’s not a friend you can just go say hey, bought a house. The girlfriend can absolutely have an opinion
@@Vots Buying a house is one of the biggest purchases most people will make. He's only been dating her for six months. Even half of marriages fail, so the chances are good that the house is going to be around a lot longer than she will. She can have an opinion, but he's buying it, not THEM. He has no obligation to compromise.
If you can't even tell your girlfriend you want to buy a house you need to get out of that relationship FAST. No, she shouldn't get a say in it but you shouldn't have to hide it. Guessing she is already staying over at his place all the time and yes, acting like they are married and he knows she will want to move in with him...
@@millsathn no. It’s not your job to pick and chose what you want your boyfriend / girlfriend to do. They are not your property since you two date. You’re wrong
@@thrillmonkey I agree with this. In harmonious relationships it is actually normal to care about the partner's reaction, about their thoughts. On her part it is great to share experience with picking and/or owning a house. But if she realizes that there is no room for her in his dream house... It is upsetting
This caused my brother’s recent breakup. I told him good riddance. She was upset that the house he bought was an hour and 15 minutes away from her house (well her mom’s house that she lives in). She is way too clingy too fast. I think she just sees the money in him.
Huh? Why would the girlfriend get a say? I would have never expected a say when you are only dating. If you think she is going to have a meltdown, sell the girlfriend, buy whatever house you want.
This is the perfect conversation to have with her. Her reaction should tell you everything you need to know. If she's mad she doesn't get a say that tells you this is not a good fit. If she's not mad or upset then maybe you don't know her as well as you think you do. It doesn't sound like she is the one for you, you should admit this and move on for both of you.
Sure but obviously he's uncomfortable talking to her about making a major purchase and life decision as such that he doesn't want to communicate. When it has something to do with purchasing a home i.e something Long-term then it's possible he doesn't see her as Long-term
I would rather have an honest conversation and get into an argument than hide and lie like a child. Just be casual about it and say I decided I'm ready to buy a house and I'm going to start looking, then see what happens and go from there.
Sabrina Rose Any woman that has to know what I am doing financially, is the wrong woman. It is none of her business. -This is the world women created for themselves. Now, as men become more aware, the less women will be allowed to enjoy the fruits of our labor for free.
I did not feel like that when I was in a similar situation. I had no problem separating my then boyfriends milestone moment of purchasing his first house with the future of our relationship. They were two completely separate events.
If she’s a good quality girl, she will be hurt you didn’t tell her what you were doing, and will be rethinking your relationship. On the other hand, if she’s low quality and she’s going to want to dictate things and overstep boundaries after you tell her, then YOU need to be rethinking the relationship.
she should not have a say in what he buys. But this is also a wake up call for her to define her relationship. Don't let him live at your place. tell him time to move into your new house. Bye see you in a few weeks after you give him time to miss you. Find out where you stand before you start the relationship again. Katy
There is the man who has NO plans to marry the woman he is dating, and then there is the man who plans to marry the woman he is dating. The later situation would suggest he would WANT her to know. And he would NOT be scared to tell her.
As a male, I see a lot of other males with the pretty same opinion. Yeah, but you don’t have to personally deal with the consequences and maybe he loves the woman. It’s easy to have an opinion on your soap box when you literally have no consequences to deal with. Bottom line is, if he wants a future with her, then he needs to tell her. If you want a long term relationship, you can’t make very important life decisions that affect your partner behind their back. That goes for HER as well.
@@valeriab9735 dating isn't marriage. Why can't ppl make decisions for themselves the second they're dating. Just because HE is buying, doesn't equal we. He sounds like he doesn't want to deal with the exclusion 😣 arguments. Or the silent 😶 "Baby we can take things to the next level! 💍 Or 🍼 He wants he enjoy his accomplishment/purchase without her forcing her way. He's buying his 🏠 not hers.
That can still happen down the road depending on what state he buys the house, what state a marriage occurs, and how each of those states define something like 'community property' or 'pal-amoney'. Be very scared!!
I went with my boyfriend when he was viewing properties to buy. We had a clear, intuitive understanding that we are getting the house to meet HIS needs, that just because I was there didn’t mean I’d be moving in, that he would listen if I had thoughts (again about how the property would fit HIS needs), and that this is HIS decision. If those sorts of boundaries can’t be made and respected, she doesn’t need to be involved. If it has to be a 100% secret, then the relationship needs to end.
She could move in after he buys it (if she is ready to sign a lease, which terminates at a fixed date or marriage, whichever comes first.) Lots of luck.
I think the answer is different depending on how long you have been dating. I think six months you should be talking about it with her. If you aren’t willing to talk to her then she isn’t the one and quit stringing her along.
I was dating a guy once who was buying a house. We’d been together for awhile and even then I didn’t assume input. He graciously included me in the process, but all the final decisions were his. I liked the house he chose, which was great cos we spent a lot of time there! (But he wasn’t the person for me so we parted ways, and now he doesn’t even live there anymore lol. It was a nice house, but it was just a house.) Thinking back, I can’t fathom how he could have hidden it even if he’d tried! The deception would not only have been a major red flag, but it would have poisoned other parts of our interaction. Not sure you make it out of a lie that big w the relationship intact (tho as they said, perhaps that’s endgame anyway)
@@trepan4944 rightfully so. She must have given him some indication that she wouldn’t approve. He probably should bounce sooner than later. Like Dave said, if she’s overbearing, it won’t get any better.
I agree with John to a certain extent. I would TELL my GF that I’M buying a house and not ask her. We are not married. You can give me your OPINIONS but that is as far as it goes. I would not hide it from her but she doesn’t really get a say as to where what color price etc. etc. etc.
The guy doesn't say so, BUT I'd bet they already are living together, giving her an impression that they are on serious leading-to-marriage levels. If he tells her before he buys, he might not have a place to live until things close ...especially if they live in her place!!
i don't think he needs to tell her; but when she finds out she will know there is no future with him. Nice way to say "bye bye" to problematic girlfriend.
You missed another VERY likely option - this man struggles with honest communication and extreme control issues and is looking to portray himself as the victim when, in all reality, he is the one trying to figure out how to manipulate both her and the situation to his advantage. If this man was being honest with her about their relationship, or lack thereof evidently, she may have already moved on and this would not be a problem for him at all.
Or he's intelligent in not having a girlfriend (not wife) on the mortgage and/or deed in case it doesn't work out he can just tell her to leave without any attachments to his house
@@lenny7773 WOW - your personal record perhaps, but that's another set of issues. No, but clearly this guy has no ability to communicate honestly as an adult, so in this case, it DEFINITELY is his issue. Bottom line, grow a pair and act like a man, not an adolescent who is only worried about what happens if she leaves and he has no one in his back pocket. Grow up and be honest, bottom line. For the record, I built my own home, on my own, without any help from anyone - no one "makes me" do anything because I am the captain of my own ship and queen of my own castle. Something you clearly have no concept of.
@@MrTmenzo No one should have someone on a mortgage if they are not married, but that is not the issue. He is not being honest, that is the issue. If you are old enough to buy a home, you should be old enough to have an adult conversation. If that means breaking up with her, then do that, but don't be a child and lead her to believe she means something to you when, clearly, that is not the case.
I like this team better than the others (John and Dave). Love the straight forward dope from Dave and the life experience, and the way John distills the solutions into easy to understand sentences (have the hard conversation now, or have two hard conversations in a month).. Great team work.
I agree with Dave, hes scared for a reason, this early in the relationship, it's not a good sign. Also 6months, they dont even know each other yet. I dont see how it would be her business. Maybe I'm wrong...blessings to all.
They've only been together for SIX months. No reasonable person will expect to be included in long term financial plans with someone you've essentially just met!
If she is left in the dark, then later they marry, the house is getting sold. If marriage is in the cards at all, bring her into the loop with limited input.
i must say at what point is it safe for her actually have an input in his life. people are always saying you're not married but it wouldn't make sense to get married and then start acting "crazy" "control freak". That is why after people get married they get divorce too because she/he was never like this before we got married. so at what point do you start giving your advice on your significant other. because yes you might not be married but this could affect her as well if they do decide to get married.
he needs to break up with her only not telling her about the house, but getting a house even before marriage is a big red flag,he is not into her. people in relationships buy property together if he is really in love with her.
LOL I'm confused. I did the same thing but basically went to open houses of places that *I* liked and had her tell me what she likes about each individual place we checked out.
If this were happening to me - I would be like, "See Ya!!" What woman has time for all that drama???? She will never be comfortable in that house and it sounds to me like he is way too passive/aggressive. Doesn't have the umph to tell her the truth. Bye.
I wonder why he believes its going to be a fight if he does not include her? Is he full of drama? Does he think he has to answer to her? Why not simply mention Im doing this? What's the big deal?
If he's not committed and doesn't see a future, she gets to date multiple people. Women only have a short amount of time to find their future spouse if they want children. We end up getting strung along for years and men don't realize how "but I like where we are now" wastes our time, and then they marry a younger woman who can still have babies when they are ready to settle down. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I wasted my youth on a couple dudes who did that. Just be freaking honest, dudes. DTR is important.
It's none of her business. Also... if he's not bringing her into the equation to pick which house, then she should take that as a sign that he wants no future with her. To the GF: Go buy your own house and live your best life girl.
They’re only boyfriend and girlfriend. He can make any financial decision he wants. Once they are married, that’s when they have to consult each other.
Dave & John hit all the points...but, I'll give him credit for following Daves advise for not buying a house or going in debt with somebody You aren't married to!
Now a days a man must guard his assets, as divorce rates have become so high. Divorce courts have always favored unfairly women with men becoming totally responsible for supporting children and ex wives. Now men fear matrimony, as shown by record low rates in marriage.
Yep, marriage rates will go further down. And single mothers raising their boys to be cross dressers will increase. Sad world. But these women will also have multiple men as well, as the trend has already started with them openly being about that. Things will only get worse
@@robindear5043 Sorry, your posting makes no logical sense. Is English your first language? Do what? Or Not do what? Franlkly I think the guy should dump the "girlfriend" and buy the house. But you do not clearly say that. It sounds like you are saying he should not buy the house.
