Married At First Sight #12 - Therapist Reacts - (Derek and Katie) 

I totally get this. My family doesn't talk about anything, avoids any conflict (unless shit hits the fan), everyone acts as though they have no feelings, very serious etc. Whereas my husband's family is extremely open and honest about everything, joke around with each other, embraces conflict.. it was a culture shock to me to say the least!

Yo Dr. Honda... when are you gonna tell us where the fountain of youth is?! Crazy that you're 52.

His uploads always brighten everyone's day.

This episode should be called #2

My husband told me he loved me like 3-4 months into the relationship. I didnt know that I was in love with him for sure until 8-9 months in.

You’re 52??!! I don’t believe it! Lol You look young!

"Some families will fart in your face as a joke, and some families won't." - Dr. Kirk Honda, 2020

Can’t stop laughing at the idea of imposing smells on someone.

The MIT experiment is interesting because those are essentially the filters we use on dating apps and platforms, but it also prevents us from considering people outside of those pre-defined categories, in my case, specifically younger men. My current partner is 3 years my junior, and I wouldn't even have given him a chance because I had ageist notions when it came to dating. In my 20s I was convinced that it was very unlikely that younger men would want to have a relationship, and that turned out not to be true. I avoided them because I didn't want to get hurt, or "used". As if people of any age and gender don't use or hurt other people. My own ageist prejudice and sexism ("no younger man could possibly want a serious relationship with me?") held me back. It is the best relationship I have ever had, and I would have denied myself that experience. Of course my prejudices were wrong! It didn't matter that they were based on previous bad experiences, they were wrong conclusions/generalizations. I'm lucky I met my boyfriend in the wild, because I would have filtered him out on an app. It is one of the great benefits of meeting people organically. 😊 So what if statistically only 3 people are viable? Those might not even be the right criteria.

Could he be subconsciously trying to push her away "kindly", or in an avoidant manner by making himself unappealing to her by speaking about things that could certainly be seen as unattractive in the infancy of a relationship--When people are typically trying to be seen in their best light; And by projecting outwardly he doesn't anticipate having feelings for her anytime soon? Okay. I just reached minute 29 as I type, and you're speaking of avoidance. =)

It could be that he's teasing her, in a playful way. He mentions this "gross" thing, to get a reaction out of her, expecting her to say something playful back or roll her eyes while smiling. Just a thought.

Thank you Dr. Honda for validating my feelings. I’ve tried over & over to tell people I don’t want them to tell me what to do, I just need someone to listen.

I'm so frustrated with this mom. There is nothing wrong with high expectations of a partner. I'm not talking unattainable expectations. I think the mom settles in relationships and wants the daughter to also. I can't wrap my head around telling my daughter to settle. My daughter's are 7 and in my head, no one will be good enough for them. Lol

I'm having a hard time with this particular response video. I think there's something missing between Dr. Honda's assessment and Katie's actual agenda, both consciously and subconsciously. Derek freely told the experts, and Katie, that he's never been in love before which has bothered Katie from jump. I'm not sure how I'd feel in her shoes, but a lot of her relationship fears stem from that. If I remember correctly, Derek said he wouldn't be in love in 8 weeks, not that he wasn't sure if he would ever love her, which is what she told Mindy. My non-professional opinion in this situation there's a communication style difference between what Katie is hearing and Derek's intent. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I love your commentary on this show! It really inspires me to look at relationships differently. I like how you don't buy into whatever narrative the producers are trying to spin, and you instead portray things more realistically. Two thumbs up!!

The comment about parent guilt really hit me. My son is going off to college and is turning 18 in 6 weeks so I have been feeling that way quite a bit. It's comforting that many people feel this way.

I have been talking to a friend for over a year who has many problems, and I notice that I usually jump to giving advice. I just wanted to say thank you for showing me why I do this and how important just giving compassion and empathy is.

wow the mum chat really resonated with me... very similar to my mum and I. Best thing I’ve learned is to vent to someone else. We’re taught that mums are so loving and warm and make you feel better but she needs to find someone who can listen and just say something supportive even when they disagree or have wounds of their own that come up..and get a journal! lol

Katie wasn’t in love either. She was just triggered by the fact he put an extended timeline on his love.

As someone who has called themselves commitment phobic, I didn't identify with either version you presented. It's not that I want to date other people. I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. And I don't fear being dumped. I know he could walk away any day and he is a human being with free will. That doesn't scare me. What does scare me. Is that in previous relationships it was extremely emotionally abusive and I swore up and down to my friends I was happy, but I was miserable. My partners put me down and always made me feel 2 inches tall. I'm scared of commitment because if I make a long term promise to be with him (like marriage). I'm scared I'm lying to myself and I'm secretly in a miserable relationship. I'm scared I still don't know how to recognize abuse. And I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong choice. I'm scared I'm going to have a major regret 10, 20, 30 years down the road. That's what I mean by scared of commitment

As a mom i wd tell my daughter ...its better to be alone than to b in bad company! I grew up in a single mom household and that refrain was said often. Women were empowered in my family circles.

My husband sits on the floor near me while I poop so we can chat 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know not everyone is at all like that though haha

what i don't get is if he or she is scared of commitment WHY would you go on a show called 'Married' at first sight , isn't marriage itself a commitment?

I think Katie's mother knowing her knows that her daughter self sabotaging. And shes trying to help her not do that this time. But as we will see later in the season what happens.

I kept checking back! So glad this is posted!

Hmm...I wonder why my mom was not empathetic towards me when I was upset about a relationship or other things at a younger age. When I broke up with someone who I described as my Soulmate, she actually got online and printed articles saying that was nonsense and soulmates was a joke. Was she trying to comfort me? It didn't feel like it was but.....🤷‍♀️

Katie seems to want to be in love so badly that she assumes that in 8 weeks someone should “fall” in love with her because they are with her constantly. She may be the person who falls in love right away and Derek looks like the type (me) who needs time took me 6 months to 9 months to grow in love.

My boyfriend and I are very different when it comes to bodily functions. I grew up ashamed of my bodily functions (maybe some Methodist protestant values specific to my dad's family), and my boyfriend is highly amused by the body. My father would get angry with me if I accidentally farted (rarely happened because of the shame), my boyfriend doesn't even care. It's actually really nice. I still have reflexive shame and hide, but it is really nice to not be met with anger for having a body that does body things. 😥

Learns Dr. Honda is 52(ish) Surprised Pikachu face #asiangenes You teach us all so much, thank you very much for these contributions and encouraging people to seek the help they need!

Bathroom talk doesn't usually bother me. The other day I was at a crush's place. I had spent the whole day there and i ate some food that didn't agree with me. So after being there for several hours i asked if he needed the bathroom because i was about to stink it out. He didn't seem disgusted but I was just trying to be polite. It sucks when you gotta go to the bathroom after someone did a #2 lol A little unrelated to the video but thought I'd share haha

I don't think the mother is being a jerk. She's afraid for her daughter to end up like her.

I’ve been waiting for this to drop! 😁

I was often the person who many people in my life came to when they had problems even when I was a child. For a long time I wondered why because most of the time I didn't have any advice for them and felt bad about it. Now I realise that it might have been because I just listened without giving advice and trying to solve the issue on the spot.

In my home, we say bless you when someone farts. Guess I'm a #2 family. Love what you said about "commitment-phobic". I'm always annoyed when men say they're not looking for commitment when the reality is you don't want me. At best it's misplaced niceness. But sometimes it's just being cowardly. You want to date someone else and the person is going to feel shitty when you do, but at least you're not their to see them hurt.

I hate when people talk about their bathroom business to me. To me it's weird to share all that I don't care how close we are 😷

Your videos are rays of sunshine. ☀️ Thinking of becoming a patreon. Thank you so much. ☺️

I was recently broken up with by an avoidant partner. It seemed to be going fine to me but I reckon he was trying to avoid some future pain based on his previous experience? But tbh I have no idea because he totally shut me out of the breakup! Refused to discuss it or his reasons at all! Utterly bizarre and confusing experience... To put it mildly 🤪 I had noticed some level of avoidance but could never in my life have predicted he'd behave like that to that level. Really shocking :P so much so that I'm venting it in a RU-vid comment (?!)

He never said, he would never be in love with her. He said he would need between 6 months to 1 year to figure it out. Dr. Honda seems to me to believes that there is only one way of being supportive. That if you give a honest opinion, it's an attack on that person. If you want to be lied to, you have to pick the right person. That you know will lie to you. Tell you what you want to hear. Can men, mansplain to one another? Wouldn't it be more prudent to call it stating the obvious.

24:18 My favourite example of the "obvious advice" from my own life was when I had arthritis and inflammation for several months, and it took my doctors a month or two to get me the right specialist, diagnosis, and treatment. I posted on my Facebook about my condition throughout. A month or so in, I again posted on Facebook that I continued to have inflammation. A well-meaning friend commented, "Have you tried anti-inflammatories?" ... Yes... Yes, I have. In fact, that was one of the first things I tried. I know it's SO TEMPTING to give advice to alleviate your own stress upon hearing about another person's problems, but it's so important to make an effort to just shut up and empathise! (Unless they specifically ask for advice or suggestions.)

These episodes I’m going to be very interested in.. Derek is similar to me and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Thank you dr. Honda for helping us improve just a little bit more.

Why do people get mad at themselves for crying? I feel like that's very common

I know people who announce their #1&2 all the time, it was weird at first but it's something they grew up with, just announcing it!

Please cover You on Netflix!! You're insights would be amazing!

Thank you for confirming the guilt that all parents feel. While I don't think my own guilt is unwarranted, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

I don’t think you trip and fall in love. For me it’s a deliberate decision. I chose to open my heart to whomever I feel deserve it. I will not be found in a toxic relationship because my mind controls my heart not my emotions. I will protect my heart from emotionally unstable, irrational or unreasonable people. I know what I want my life to be like and I chose to open my heart only to someone who can peacefully blend having the similar life desires.

I feel like Katie missed the whole point of the experiment. The idea behind MAFS is that you choose to commit to someone and allow yourself to love whomever shows up (within reason). Katie is somehow expecting the experts to have miraculously found the perfect sparks-fly-forever love of her life… ironically, Derek seems a lot more committed than she is… I think someone else pointed it out in the comments, but I feel like she’s almost using his upfront-ness about his longer timeline as an excuse to opt out.

growing up with many siblings, talking like that is so normal, it's hilarious

I think the mom is being realistic and wants her daughter to be with a good person. I mean being upset for your spouse to tell you that they are going to the bathroom, is not a reason to get divorced for. That can be a short conversation. I think her daughter has this idealistic view of relationships that shes jst always going to be happy with someone but that's not realistic, but if he doesn't love her that's a perfect reason to not want to be with him.

Can you do a video on Larissa and Colt from 90 Day fiance?

I guess I'm different. If I'm telling you my business then I would like feedback, direction, or assistance. This is why I'm careful with who knows my business. In addition, I'm not paying a therapist for comfort. I'm looking for tools, coping mechanisms etc. Otherwise, I can deal with emotions, trauma, etc.on my own.

Can you please react to “You”on Netflix🙏. It’s about a “love”story in the mind of a murderer/psychopath. I think season 2 is especially intriguing. Love your videos btw.

My mom was the first person to break my heart. Watching this mom tear Katie down to some degree was all too familiar to me. Last week I told her about all the things she did to hurt my feelings over the years that led me to basically cut her out of my life. I moved out and basically never spoke to her again unless I felt guilty or if she forced me to. She then interrupted me and proceeded to take each point I made and explained to me how it wasn’t her fault. For 2.5 hours. Then at the end my brother chimed in and told me I’m disgusting and F me and I’m stupid. I threw a plate at the ground because I’d had enough. I wasn’t being heard. Again. And my feelings were invalidated for 3 hours. I left and I’m not going to look back. Both of them don’t care how I feel, and I tried to apologize and forgive them but that’s all I can do. I do blame her for a lot of things but I also know how to take accountability for my actions. Some things I brought on myself. Like running away from my family with men that didn’t care about me. I was disrespectful towards her only after I’ve been let down by her my whole life. She never respected me because I’m the child. She constantly made empty promises. She doesn’t care how I feel but expects me to worship her so, she can go rot in hell 🤷🏽‍♀️ and if they want to go to therapy they need to go without me. I’ve done 2 years of therapy and went into pretty bad debt trying to figure out how to forgive her and my brother and move forward. Now it’s their turn to sort themselves out. I’m not interested in building a relationship with people that I actually hate. I don’t have to do that. I’m no longer feeling guilty about it or questioning myself. Those people are my blood family but they aren’t people I consider to be my real family. I will proceed to choose people in my life as my family. I’m happier already. I will never do something out of obligation ever again. I hope this comment helps others :) good luck everyone

Derek's 40th birthday: where's Katie? I just figured out I love her and need to tell her all about it!

Mom is trying to soften the blow she believes is undoubtedly coming

This guy is 52? Asian don't raisin, foreal.

Would really love to see your thoughts on the first season with Jamie and Doug !!! Amazing story

I'm absolutely a fan of dr Honda's podcasts, I actually started with deep dives and now enjoying this part and I absorbed a lot of perspectives and new knowledge from this channel that i'm thankful for (especially being an art-therapist in training). But I cannot convince myself that there is "no such thing as fear of commitment". Maybe it's because I'm from a different culture where divorces are less common and people have unrealistic expectations towards each other/the institution of marriage with minimum communication effort while craving attachment. People are scared that get themselves "too deep", "too serious too soon" (and of course, scared of being honest hence volnurable). Also if friends and family get involved and then the pressure to make it work at every cost might be even bigger. I do agree a lot of people tend to use that therm as an excuse instead of admitting lack of chemistry/love in the relationship. But is it really always the case? I was also actually very surprised dr Honda never commented when in the other show, Love is blind, one guy's brother said "in marriage it's not about you anymore, you have to sacrifice everything for the other person, it's such a hard work" or sth like that. That's the BS people are scared of. It's unrealistic and stupid, everyone has their needs and they should not stop being themselves because they're in a long-therm relationship/marriage. They should seek for communication, consensus and not making martyrology out of it.

This talk about 'commitment-phobic' made me think about the whole issue of being phobic vs. being averse. We blame many things on being 'phobic'. BUT, might some things actually be about aversion? For instance, is there a possibility that some people with "social anxiety" are actually just "socially averse"? And they can't actively reduce the social component of their life to a level they would just prefer?

Hear me out the mother was a bit abrasive yet the mother had a point. We constantly think the grass is greener and sometimes the grass is not greener the grass is perfectly fine where you are. If you keep looking you will always find “better” you will always find someone who makes more money, more attractive more whatever. I don’t think the mother is saying settle. Based off Katie’s track record the mother may be saying this is the best you have had far so?

Katie should talk about her period around him

my mom was pretty desperate for me to find someone and even she wouldn't tell me to stay with someone who doesn't love me

Hey Doc, can you please please please watch the series Shameless? (the US version) It's about a disfunctional struggling family where the dad is an alcoholic and the mom is bipolar so the oldest daughter had to step up to take care of the other 5 children when she was very young. It's very raw and real and portrays a lot of subjects that you educate us about and I would really love for you to do a commentary about it. Pretty please? 🙏☺️

I'm sorry but are we watching the same Katie?? Is he skipping around to select scenes or maybe her abuse isn't psychologically registered until later episodes because in my book, Katie was super nasty to Derek.

Here I am again at 3am learning a lot from this. Thank you kindly.

That vocal fry ( Kate )is unbearable /:

Wow mom!!!!! Theres nothing better out there???!!!! Does she not think her daughter has any worth? How is she still even speak with her mother?

I fell in with my fiancé the second I saw him😅

Maybe I am more avoidant attachment than I thought 😕

I love to hear your comments on 90 day fiance and wondered whether you watch the current season of married at first sight.

I had no idea that there were so many ways to look at why someone might talking about their #2's. As of this episode, I had thought that Katie did need to give it a chance. If you're going to marry a stranger then, yes, you need to give it a chance to see how it might be. What else could anyone expect?

This show seems to have a bad succes rate matching these couples. Why would anyone want to do this?

When he says after each relationship he finds things he doesn't want in the next relationship. To me this makes sense and isn't avoidence. But I'm not a therapist 😂 for example if your ex was a gamer and it drove you nuts, you won't go out with a gamer in the future. Or they had young children, dogs, cats ect There are things in relationships when you are younger that you don't know if you can tolerate or accept. If you find you can't accept them, then of course don't get into a new relationship with someone with those situations. To me it makes perfect sense. But I'm in my 50s and never married or have kids 🤣 so that theory worked great for me! But on a serious note I'd rather be single that in a relationship I'm not 99% into.

What if the mom really meant that there aren’t any better guys out there in general?

Can you please react to Little Fires Everywhere or to Are You The One?

Wait how old is Dr. Honda?? Lol had to take a double take. He looks great

Didnt like katie but in this case i do agree with her. I dont like people telling me theyre pooping..especially romantic relationships at early stages need some mystery

What? Long winded confusion by Dr. HONDA. My view is that when there's a wedding and family and friends are invited they have a responsibility to support the marriage. Mom seems to send the message to chose your battles. Yes we all should have deal breakers for especially serious issues. But after that if there isn't a deal breaker present, accepting the partners flaws is exactly what love is. With Derick maybe somewhat gross playful stuff and Katie communicating her feelings eventually he will get it and use the bathroom talk with his buddies if that's their thing. OR MAYBE Derick has a tendency to self Sabotage. Although at other times he seems to truly hear, understand and appropriately respond to Kate's concerns. He did seem to be on the DEFENSIVE a lot with Katie's concerns. Maybe Mom was right, knowing her daughter and her relationship patterns that Katie has patterns of relating that seem to sabotage relationships. Especially because the normal deal breakers that women have such as (1) Alcohol/drug addiction (2) cheating (3) abuse such as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse (4) pervasive unemployment (5) not wanting children were not evident in this connection.

Took my husband and I 6 months before we said we loved each other.

It seemed to me that he was trying to elicit a reaction, you know... giving her shit. I used to do something similar with my grandma, she HATED any talk about bodily emanations, so naturally I had to mention it. Just for the lulz.

I feel like 8 weeks is plenty time to know how you feel about someone. Im sorry but my honest opinion is if it takes you longer than 6 months to fall in "love" with you someone you are falling into "settling" for someone :D I know it sounds mean but IMO

Maybe he likes to gross her out? Maybe he thinks its funny?

Good for u girl!!! If u r not happy then YES there is better out there

You should react to Nikacadoavacado and his husband orlins relationship it is soooooo interesting

25:55 Dereck: (gets unsolicited advice) my friend is soooo stupid, [pulling his hair out], this is not the friend for me

I feel bad for Katie. I have a similar relationship with my mom.

I'm think about those numbers a lot when I'm single.

Honestly I freaking love Derek and even though I can't imagine my own mother saying that, I think that she can't get any better than Derek either. No offense to Katie. And her mom was hella rude to say that like that though, no wonder she spoke to her so disrespectfully

I actually laughed out loud when he said that parents always have a tremendous amount of shame and regret about the way they raised their kids- that's not how southeast Asian parents or Arab parents are trust me lol. Maybe it's an American thing

my wife does this lol

I didn't see this episode. When did this happen?

as if you used the word "mansplaining"

THIS is Katie's mom, ooookkkkkaaaaayyyy

You’re 52??!! Woow lucky man!

First comment! Thanks Dr Honda!

I’ve been there.

This poor woman her mom is so cold! Smh she shoulda talked to a friend or rally anybody else but her mom but after hearing the docs thoughts I kinda feel bad for both woman!

Real cold response from the mom which is disappointing, yikes!

If it was my daughter i wd hv said...Lets get u packed!!! enough of this trash from hell and he better not get in my face!!!😆 but MY daughter wd go on this show over my dead body!!!

she doesn't know people shit?

No class in my culture and i wdnt marry someone with zero class