My Crackhead Uber Driver - Tom Segura: Completely Normal 

"I can't drive unless I'm fucked up" is a hell of a quote.

Tom Segura is legitimately one of the funniest comedians I've ever heard.

I really like the way this guy tells stories

"Tom: what's it like? Uber driver: OooooooOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" Yes that's accurate

At 1:17, A person in the audience literally went "whooooo!" The same way Tom described the driver at 1:33 🤣🤣

2:35 I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I love how his facial expression doesn't even change when he goes "OOOOOOOOO"

Either Tom is always lying or he has the coolest life!

"Oooooohooooo!" is the perfect description of crack.

His nonchalant demeanor and calm delivery makes it so much funnier!

This guy has been dancing his whole life

Ya know that was the most accurate description for smoking rocks Ive ever heard.

Tom Segura is the kind of guy I'd love to talk shit with at a party or in a beer garden somewhere. HILARIOUS!

Nobody: Pitbull in every single one of his songs: 1:32

"Dunnet that sound Awesome??" lmfaoooo, that shit was hysterical from beginning to end XD

Offering someone a blunt is peak hospitality.

I kinda get the freaking out for fun part. I’ve had good experiences scaring myself when I first started smoking weed or when I do acid or mushrooms and started getting paranoid. It’s a weird love/hate relationship.

i love that when he says rocks first time about 1.16 someone in the audience say oooooooouuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.

Funny thing is I was a Uber driver and a passenger put me on to this comedian lol

If only i could erase my memories about this guy to re watch it again and again and again it would be great.

Succinct, hilarious. That's amongst the best 2 mins of comedy i've ever seen. Chappelle made a helluva career off of crack jokes. Can't miss!

Best crack depiction I've seen in a movie was in Wolf of Wall Street when Belfort smokes crack for the 1st time... U take ur 1st hit & u just smile uncontrollably & get this crazy body high that is euphoric...

Every indian auto rickshaw driver is high af 24/7

Sounds like me minus the crack, coke, and pretty much everything. Professionalism is out the window and we be homie

When I went to take the drivers test for my license, at 18. I had forgotten about planning the day with my mother. So the night before I partied, with whatever was on hand. Mota, booze, shroom, cid came over too. Went all the way to 4:20am, ritual like. Then had only 2 hours of sleep before bein woken up to go drive for an instructor. I aced the test.

This is one of my favorites bits of all time

I like my drivers alert, lol.

Man this dude is hilarious 😆

It’s actually kinda funny with the ooohhhhhhhooooo! Statement. I randomly tried that shit and I remember vividly saying out loud, ooohhhhh…. Yea I can see how this can be a problem for some people 🤣

lol what a good story

I smoke with all my Uber passengers especially on long rides

This guys crack is like my weed, shit makes me freak out anymore. I wish I could smoke more regularly without freaking out like that lol

Tom segura is the best living comedian

I was a taxi driver, unclogged my weed pipe with a ball point pen refill...the same one I gave a customer to sign his credit card after I couldn't find a pen, but found a pen refill at the bottom of my bag..that I forgot i used to clean my pipe....he got tar all over his hands, he was so drunk none of the other passengers were listening to him slur his speech.." what da fuuk..I got weeeed tar all ovurrr my haaands mann"... LOL!!

This bit is soo goddamn good ooooooWOooooooo!!

yea i can’t drive unless i’m fucked up 💀💀

Hell yeah

The dude that went wooooo

I thank God I got away from the grips of crack cocaine since February 17th 1988.

Best delivery in comedy

When I was a kid, like barely 20, I knew this guy. Him and his wife had split because they had a kid and he was still running drugs and stuff. Guy was in his 30s, never touched crack, idk if it was who he was hanging out with or depression but he started smoking crack. I didn't see or hear of him for some time. There was this club owner who had a place downtown that was just always overflowing with drugs and people. I went there one day, middle of the day, and I sat on the couch. Movement caught my eye under the kitchen table and I turned to see the dude, on his hands and knees, using a lighter to scan the floor. He'd stop, pick up a crumb, and then carefully place it in a line with the other crumbs he'd already picked up. There was a row of like 20 tiny crumbs. I was like what in the fkk are you doing dude?!? He stood up, took his lighter, lit it, and waved it over the crumbs. He carefully pushed all the crumbs that charred away, scooped the tiny crumbs that melted into a crack pipe, and sat down in the chair to smoke them. I swear to god that would've been such an effective anti drug ad lmao. Like holy shit dude you're crawling on the floor for crack crumbs this is some crazy shit you need help. I've done a shit ton of drugs but I've never touched crack because everyone I've seen who smokes it acts like that and that sounds like a goddamn nightmare. I do drugs for fun and that shit does not look like fun in any capacity lmao.

You can't call someone a crackhead just because they like to get crispy once in a while

shoutout to anyone who's ever had that cracked out driver..they out there forsure.

It applies to anything. Once in a while is fine!

Happy 420 Tim!

When he made that siren sound my sleeping cat levitated and started looking wildly around like HE was on crack

That shit hurt that was so fucking funny

Completely Normal is probably his funniest shit.

When the Uber driver said OooooooooooooOWoooOOO with the peephole i felt that deeply

I see a Segura clip I click.

“Yeah I can’t drive unless I’m fucked up” LMFAO

"I think when people say that, they're talking about pizza and chocolate." XD

Nice !

wow he smokes weed so cool round of applause ha ha so cool weed is so cool lol omg xD

Tom Segura is the best

I love it all too. God, I hate being Bert sober

Tom looks so good now

SUP KANE!

Crills are alot of fun.

I fucking love you Tom Segura. Not sexually but on the hush hush, wink wink.

Lmfao 🤣

"I mean yeah."

Funneeee!!!!

Wanna smoke now??? Yeah 😂

I love you, ya you.

Tom Segura should come to Detroit Michigan

N1ce

Ubers are fun!

Should've just got **BIKES**

I mean yeah 😆

Thick Tom lol

Nice

Got Remington riffle

Yea crack makes you stare out windows

😆💜

2:22 Our next guest is... Hannibal Buress ?

😂

😂😂😂

In Detroit Michigan you would get a Uber driver like that maybe lol

...... if this wasn't posted 2 years ago I'd swear he was talking about me ....... until he started talking about other shit than weed

The funniest part of your sketch was you showing a recorded message that someone else sent you on facebook. Whoever that guy that sent you that message is, is pretty funny.

That driver is a serious safety hazard 0.o

Smoking rocks is pretty dope

Tom without a beard scares me

I gotta be honest, Ive met some interesting uber drivers in my very limited experiences with that service. Ive met the food n snack provider, the weed smoker, the Idc what y'all do back there guy, to dont say a word to me, and please don't use foul language. I kinda miss it.🤣

Accurate description, or so I’ve heard..

About 20 years ago a friend of mine Rod befriended a crackhead and the crackhead got kicked out of his house ( his own house, not my friends ) So my friend brings him over to my place to stay with me for a couple of hours ( I didn't know he was a crackhead when he got here ) So my friend can go get crackheads living situation taken care of.. So I talk to the guy for about 30 minutes downstairs and find out his name is W, that's his whole name.. W.. After 30 minutes he asks to use the bathroom and i tell him where it is and then say I'm going upstairs to check on something just holler if you need me ( I didn't want to hang out downstairs while someone is dropping a deuce in the shitter & the guy seemed a little off center so that was my opportunity to make a break for upstairs ) 2 hours + 30 minutes no Rod and W hasn't made a peep so i stay upstairs 3 + 30 no Rod.. 4+ 30 no Rod but i get a knock on my bedroom door & it's W sweating like a waterfall is running over his forehead wanting to know if my house is under surveillance? And i said God no! Why would it be under surveillance? And W says because of drugs.. And i tell him i don't do drugs.. And he says " No! Because of my drugs " I said you have drugs? and he pulls out a bag of crack and a pipe & asks me if i want to hit it.. I said maybe in a few minutes but for right now I'm good, but thinking ROD WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU! So now i have to go downstairs because i don't want W hanging out in my bedroom with me.. So we go back downstairs and every 30 seconds W is looking out the peephole, peeping through every window blind in the house & asking me if i heard a fucking train... The closest railroad tracks to my house is well over 5 miles away so i say No! I don't hear a fucking train and please sit down for a few minutes because you are making me a goddamn nervous wreck.. Then i hear a knock at the door W yells they're here and runs into the kitchen and at this point he has me so paranoid I'm thinking it's the cops and I'm in trouble.. So i look out the peephole and it's Rod saying man why is your door locked? I yank open the door and say because your crackhead friend W got paranoid after he started hitting the pipe and locked it.. Rod please GET HIM THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

5th season of Eric Andre!!! Yess

Ive smoked crack and the guy is right. Its a crazy ass high. And yeah you just smoke alot and get high as fuck and make sure the cops aint chasing you. 😂😂😂

nice!

Doing drugs when you are old is the best time to do it. You already lived your life, better to go out old with a bang.

yeahhh imma just stick with sluggin black iced coffee but do You bro 😎

Can't stand YMH but Tom's stand-up is the shit

Catch somebody slipping with sword

1:26 G.O.A.T.

With 213 was looking for me supposedly missing

Uhh ya nice

Everything in moderation, even rocks.

2:11

I call BS...............My " Crackhead Uber Driver " NEVER calls me Tom.