When I first started healing, the hardest part was identifying those narcissistic behaviors in myself or others. I came to understand that my narc parent’s behavior was modeled & taught to me and it comes out most when I’m stressed. It doesn’t mean I’m a narc. It means I’m stressed! I try to show myself compassion and understanding. I do not want to be anything like my narc parent. That in its self is a strong motivator to continue to grow and heal.
Proud of you being so mindful!!! We'll all keep up the good work! Progress, not perfection! I also started noticing narc behaviors around me (specifically in my trauma bonds.) \ I opened by stating outright that I was a narcissist and noticed the behaviors that brought me to think of them as so as well. Oof what a mistake being so definitive in my language. Lost all three friends I confronted about it. Those were trauma bonds I mourned very intensely. / We spoke nearly everyday, I felt like I was left completely friendless. Total emotional snowball of negativity. Don't want to play the blame game again. We have time to grow and gain new connections throughout our entire life. . Isolation is something I'm very guilty of whenever I feel emotionally incompetent. Incompetent is a huge trigger word for my intellectual capabilities. Overall the one thing we can't do is demonize anyone. Everyone is human and worthy of empathy, but no one is entitled to our time. Unless it's a professional or personal commitment WE CHOOSE to make. , Maybe a little long winded. Not trying to compete, just feeling seen in your comment. I feel exactly the same with the modeling of the parents narc tendencies. Currently attempting a balance of sympathy and accountability for my parents and what they've had to deal with. Generational trauma and what-not. Thanks for sharing.
@@ievolcisum that sounds like a hard thing to go through. I can sort of relate. I told my friends that I needed space while I was healing. It didn’t always come out the best way. I lost every friend but one. I can acknowledge that my poor boundaries with my words and actions was the reason. Fortunately my ex husband didn’t allow my weirdness to push him away. He’s one of my best friends who has known me since I was 14. He’s also the only person I know who has been present during my narc parent’s “mask slip”. Anyways, thank you for your vulnerability. I wish you well on your journey, my friend.
@@Gracie.Gardener How cool about your ex. Dr Ramini says it can take just one person to sort of smooth us out, and model behavior. Really glad for you that that friend is there for you.
1. self centeredness 2. too much focus on how other percieve you 3. Thinking our problems are unique 4. Strong victim identity 5. thinking your the only nice person and others are the one causing harm 6. Arrogant thinking- we know more than others 7. not realizing we have agency 8. drawn to less functioning people than us. 9. big accusations 10. sense of entitlement
I identify with 7/8 of these. I also do not know if I am am PTSD or ADHD. Does anyone else have the same problem? (Oh you can add Fearful-Avoidant, poor boundaries and poor and changing sense-of-self in there too)
A gal became a good friend of mine for a while. I was working horticultural retail, she was a quiet but obviously knowledgeable customer. We got along right away & eventually shared our stories. She'd been diagnosed BPD, I'd had multiple diagnoses. She said once that she felt guilty for being so mentally "different" given the absence of horrific physical abuse where others had fared better surviving severe abuse. We decided; it's not ALL what went on in our childhoods, it was how we coped with what happened at the time given our personalities, stage of development & presence or absence of support. In the end, concentrating on the here & now, what we NOW have control of. Almost 20 years later, she's reached a level of success she thought she'd never have. My success has been limited by physical issues but at 64, I keep working toward handling my interpersonal issues. We are NOT our diagnosis! We're NOT broken for good! We are worth the effort to keep finding happiness wherever we are. I know when I feel fragile, I must radiate a "hit me" vibe, metaphorically of course. I'm challenged by my current home situation but am taking steps to get help with it. Thanks Ana & the healing community!
ive been feeling this way a lot lately even though im told i have cptsd AND bpd. i think a big thing is that trauma isnt just what happens to you. it can also be what DOESNT happen to you--so a lack of support and a lack of care can be traumatic as well. i have a lot of my memory missing and i feel a lot has been normalized to me so i feel what i went through wasnt as bad as some others. i am also autistic and have gone through severe trauma because no one would listen and i was hurt because of it. i liken it to having been torture, but i feel like no one understands tbh, so i minimize it. and just because you dont remember something doesnt mean youve been through nothing because there is so so much i do not remember of that time.
For those of us feeling defensive over the victim mentality segment because i know i was --- hurting over what happened to you, dealing with grief, recognizing trauma has shaped our brains and struggling with that, isn't a "victim mentality." There is no timeline as to when you should be "over it" or anything like that. Don't let anyone (especially not abusers or enablers) tell you you're "playing the victim" or "looking for attention" when you speak your truth and admit you are still hurting. Don't let anyone impose a timeline on you, just keep actively working on yourself and let the process take as long as it takes. BUT not having empathy for other people's pain, competing over pain, constantly trauma dumping on others with no self work, and using your victimhood to justify victimizing/hurting other people (aka abuse) IS a victim mentality. Your lack of effort to treat others with dignity because you have been hurt is where victim mentality comes in. That's the difference.
Thank you! I am currently struggling after coming out of a narcissistic relationship and was thinking oh shit am I just playing the victim as my abuser did or am I allowed to still be struggling.
This is one of the most insightful comments I've read on RU-vid. Thank you. It's easy to get stuck in trauma dumping and righteous anger, and while I think those are necessary to heal at the beginning of our journey, to stay there indefinitely stops emotional growth and often has us hurting others (and ourselves). That's why I've found Anna's lessons on looking at ourselves and being accountable, and the tough love of 12 Step programmes, the missing link from a lot of trauma recovery therapy out there.
We walk the line very close and have to make sure we do not give in to those toxic and unhealthy traits and end up becoming our abusers and continuing the cycle.
We gotta shut down the internal A Hole. Then the change can begin. We are so internalizing of shame, that is what we are defending against. Helplessness and vulnerability are scary to accept without this protection. You are lovable and ENOUGH, so you can start with yourself and give support to others.
Yes, I feel the same way. It is challenging to attempt to re-raise yourself while working, being married, raising children, maintaining friendships, and trying to be involved in the local community. It feels overwhelming but I’m so thankful for this channel that gives me hope! ❤
These are such important reflections. The very nature of childhood trauma is that you're living in survival and may feel very young, like an arrested development - no one living in survival with an arrested development is able to properly think about others and their internal worlds when we can be so preoccupied with our own. It's a damn shame. So many survivors just want to 'get on with our lives' but we're dealing with all this dysfunction.
It made me smile when you said “We can learn.” It gave me a visual of an old Care Bears episode where they surrounded the bad guy holding hands and repeating, “We care!” Warm feelings. 😊
I lost both of my parents 5 years apart. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mother's death. The grief of losing both of my parents suddenly has been unimaginable. Grieving the death of my mother has been a lot harder than when my dad passed. My dad was sick for 7 years before he passed so we had time I guess to process his death before he actually died. My mom death was sudden and traumatizing.. (I was the one who found her). It has taken me almost a year to accept the fact that my mom is never coming back. Part of me was hoping that after she passed away that I would wake up from the nightmare that had become my life. I agree with your list. And I wish I had known some of these before having to go through them. Grief has no timeline and it comes in waves. Wishing all of you coping with the loss of a parent peace. Take it one day at a time. And grant yourself the space and time to grieve.
I laughed at the "but everyone on the planet is awful". My mother IS a Narc and that killed my perception of people. When I cut her off and started facing my emotions I legit hated the world and felt abandoned by humanity because of how alone I was and the fact that for the entirety of my life not a single person tried to care for me, especially in any sort of healthy, empathetic way. The first person who did deeply care for me and was there for me as an intimate partner; in my head she was an outlier. Fortunately years later I'm still slowly repairing this perception.. its not easy.
Unfortunately, many of us suffered from enmeshment trauma and as a result, we are more aggressively focused on our own thoughts/feelings/safety/all forms of security. But on the other hand, I can see how a narcissistic and self-obsessed parent could lead to a self-focused child, who learned that it’s you vs. the world and every person for themselves. Narcissistic parents are of course super bad at teaching their children empathy and putting people’s needs before your own when it makes sense to do so!
You're truly feeding those of us who are starved for insight. I used to ask my therapist if I has any issues with narcissism and was always told you can't be a narcissist if you're asking. This didn't sit well and I always left feeling that I couldn't get to the bottom of my issues without figuring it out. You're dead on right about the arrogance and self righteousness bordering on cruelty. One of the surest signs of my healing is when I realized that I'm less sure of how others should be and behave and more comfortable with the knowledge that I don't know all the details of their experience or what's right for them
Golden words. I am a CPTSD survivor. 58, 3 years clean, I am owning my life now. ♥️ THank you for being there to help me grow beyond what I could have imagined.
My mother is controlling, and I have CPTSD. Even now as an adult whenever she sees me, she tries to control everything from my appearance to the types of furniture I have in my home. I’ve been feeling so defeated by it today in particular, and have also been having a hard time dealing with repelling people with my own controlling/clinging traits. Thank you for this video, great timing
Calista- I live with my narrisst mom still. I'm disabled from ex- husband and he abused me through the court system after 36 years together. I'm struggling everyday to deal with toxic mother and no support!
@@candywilkins386 I'm not disabled so this is biased advice, but are you able to go join any sort of social groups? I've found new support people through my sports and my work by meeting new people. My boss has been my shoulder to cry on and my sports team has helped put me up with places to live when I was homeless. I know work and sports is probably not a option, but knitting groups, reading groups etc could be maybe?
@@Mel-qr5ob I'm not the OP but your comment has helped me. I'm very lonely due to bereavement and going no contact with my old narcissistic friends. Although I've tried a few groups a lot are on zoom and I'm really missing regular groups that meet in person. I'm going to check out support groups and sports clubs in my area, thanks for the reminder.
Tell her you DON'T care what she thinks, that you WILL NOT be doing anything she suggests, that she is not in charge of ANYTHING. Make it clear that she is NOT part of your decision making process.
I saw common behaviors that I was participating in that my narcissistic mother taught me some really negative behaviors. It caused a lot of trouble in my life and wrecked many good friendships/relationships. It was really, really hard to accept that I was my own biggest problem. It was really hard to change the way I treat others, think of others, and myself. It was really hard to work through the behavior and own it without feeling immense shame. It didn't start to get better until I gave myself permission to appreciate myself. Even love myself. Loving myself felt narcissistic until it stopped being about anybody but me. I still go through really hard times and when I don't take care of myself very well the symptoms come back. It still hurts relationships and I still feel shame after, and a lot of deep sadness. But every time I try to connect to a person that is just a little better for me and they don't run from any weird behavior instantly, I heal. I learn to choose better people, I learn that I have value without needing to be enmeshed, and I learn that I'm far from unlovable if I just let people try. Being hurt by people is AWFUL. It still throws my entire world into disarray. But the emptiness I felt in my isolation was far worse, I realize now. Thank you for this video. One of the hardest parts of my healing journey has been understanding my agency. If my old choices made me unhappy, then I can make good choices now, if I have courage and grit to own my mistakes and not drown in the familiar shame instead.
The big one for me is ‘everyone I know is a narcissist.’ And there is a little truth to that. As a person with cptsd I seem to attract people who are very willing to use, victimize and dominate others, or even suck on your sympathy. It’s logical when you think about it as these people are always looking for new ‘friends’ as they have worn out their welcome with others. So I’m always wary and sometimes over vigilant when new people come into my life. Although it’s true that we have to accept other people’s character flaws because we all have them, there is something about not wanting to have any kind of relationship that is anything like a narc/victim relationship. I’m always looking for red flags and I often find them. As a person with cptsd I find that a difficult balance. What’s a good friend with a few character flaws and what’s an abusive relationship. Because the minute I see that red flag it gives me a big pause and I take that step back. I often wonder if I’m being over sensitive and over protective. I so like your phrase, ‘keep it on the porch, you don’t have to bring it in the house.’ The problem is that I rarely bring it in the house! 😊
I try to not think of others as having character flaws. I don’t feel I have the right to judge that in others anymore as I have no way of knowing what’s an actual flaw for them unless they share that with me themselves. Also, the book ‘No Bad Parts,’ about Internal Family Systems Therapy, has really helped me to solidify the concept that poor behaviours are not a result of character flaws, nor represent character flaws. The idea is that there are no bad parts to the ‘self.’ Only unhealed wounds and disassociated/protective parts. To me, it’s impossible to say that the cause of cPTSD is not one’s fault while also holding the concept that unhealed wounds or parts are character flaws. The two cannot coexist in my opinion. I prefer to think of it like everyone has different personality traits, and we are all in state of either actively or inactively processing these traits as they relate to us and our experiences with others or how we feel or receive feedback, whether directly or indirectly, about how we are affecting others. It’s not a character flaw that certain people or situations trigger me while others do not. Nor is it a character flaw that this triggered state might cause me to behave poorly sometimes. (Doesn’t have anything to do with absolving me of any responsibility for my words or actions while triggered.) Seeing it this way in the past is why I struggled so much to have any self esteem at al. Every time I experienced a trigger, I felt like a horrible, flawed person, which felt like hitting the reset button every single time on any progress I’d made. It wasn’t until I stopped seeing it as personal moral issue or flaw related to my ‘goodness’ or ‘worthiness’ as a person, that I really started to shift my mindset. When I stopped seeing others has having character flaws but rather unhealed, complicated wounds is really when I started experiencing consistent change in my mindset. It felt like I had a lot of my power back because I could also fully see myself this way as well. It gave me permission to stop seeing myself as more horrible than or less worthy than anyone else. I wasn’t, I just had my own struggles and stuff to discover, own, and hopefully recover/heal from. It helped to stop me from feeling like a walking character flaw and start feeling more like a person with resolvable trauma.
@@PeaceMeBish yes, I too believe that narcissistic personality disorder stems from a great unhealed wounds. Perhaps ‘character flaw’ is too much of a phrase. And I should say unhealed wounds. But I just don’t want to enter into relationships with this type of person anymore. But where does one draw the line? What issues do we overlook in others and what are genuine red flags indicators that another person is abusive? We are all narcissistic in some way and in ways we need to be but what to be careful of and what to accept is hard to balance
I can now see why the social worker thought I had NPD after talking to me for an hour but everyone in my life that I told was flabbergasted by it. As usual it's the CPTSD + Neurodivergency.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyeah. It’s hard to see others if you are neuro divergent. Makes it harder to put down the defense of that piece of trauma as well. There was not and is not understanding from peers. It is hard to start feeling trusting of ourselves and others. .
I'm almost healed now but I remember in my 20s my healing journey started when I realised I didn't like myself very much, meaning I didn't like that I said or did mean things. It was just because I was brought up with parents who only said mean things and I just thought that was normal, but then I would feel bad about myself. Even now I get a bit insensitive when I am tired or angry, but still working on it.
I can’t even find the words to describe the genius this lady is…. She helps me far more than even the giants like Bessel and Gabor…. This lady is smart (brilliant), brief, practical, and soul-freeing. God bless you Fairy
@@seriouscat2231 they are two world leading experts on complex PTSD. You must get the book, “The body keeps the score”, by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, it is like a Bible for people who suffer from CPTSD. Take some time and watch their RU-vid videos at least, they are extraordinary.
@@jetsetrn, I obtained van der Kolk's book and started reading it. The first thing I learned from it and its reviews was why people criticize too explicit descriptions of traumatic events. This was new to me because I always used to think that the gorier the merrier. But I will probably try to read it through to see if it says more about the mechanics of therapies than Thomas Zimmerman and Kati Morton have already said in their videos. The most interesting thing about EMDR and such is that you actually want to keep the emotions in check, instead of reliving anything.
@@jetsetrn, but listening to Gabor Maté even for five minutes and reading the hundred or so comments under the video gave me the idea that he's just making extremely confused people even more confused.
@@seriouscat2231 I guess each person has to find their own guru’s, methods that work for them , and what they can tolerate, etc. Personally, I think Gabor is masterful, actually both of the doctors that I had mentioned. But I also think that Ana, who’s channel/program we’re chatting under right now, probably gives me the most useful and plentiful information that I integrate into my life, as soon as I listen to her videos. Ana has exquisite examples to guide us, and simply the best advice on how to deal with and process our day-to-day lives with traumatized brains. Ana is actually far more useful to me, but I learned about CPTSD and what it really is, from Drs. Vanderkolk and Gábor Máté. In any case, my words are only suggestions from my own experience. I pray for and bless and wish the best to every single person on this planet who suffers from CPTSD because it is an absolute life-rattling bitch. It has made my life a cautious, scared, nervous, hyper-sensitive, vigilant, overly care-taking, emotional struggle for me, that I can never STOP working on. I am a CPTSD poster-child, feeling too often so alien, emotionally homeless, and non-belonging, all the time. But I have a phenomenal therapist who moves me though my struggles, thank God. But even with this, Ana STILL trumps all of these supports for me, because she cuts right to the core/reason/source, right to the reality, with no bullshit, and delineates what a person needs to do to accept and heal in their own process. If I said it once, I’ll say it 1000 times …. thank God for this woman, our crappy childhood fairy; She is my game changer. @crappychildhoodfairy
It seems to me that CPTSD can go one of two ways with all of the different shades therein: Narcissism or Codependency. The DSM 5 might describe practically the same symptoms for BPD and CPTSD but I would argue that the CPTSD symptoms are nowhere near as extreme as BPD apart from maybe the Attachment Trauma stuff like fear of abandonment for instance. I'm pretty happy I'm not a narcissist because the ones I know would have your guts for garters for even suggesting that they may have a mental health issue. Codependents (like me) have way more self-awareness even if we can be a little too self-absorbed for our own good (which, paradoxically you need to be to recover, things like mindfulness etc). Thank you Anna for your work.
I regularly go into a spiral of completely believing I am the narcissist and I’m the toxic monster 100%. I get suicidal and completely believe that I’m the problem and wonder how I can ever be happy if I’m a narcissist. Then my common sense kicks in and I’m reminded of my friend’s positive opinions of me. But it’s a rough and bumpy ride getting through it 🙄
Trying to set boundaries or say no for the first time & standing up for yourself is really hard when you have always had a fawning response. In my situation it created more trauma. When you're trying to change, or heal I guess, some people refuse to accept or respect your new boundaries maybe that's when you need to find the inner narc more then ever?? Thank you for your wise & kind words♥
Today it takes one to know one. I have met more Narcissist since I have gotten older. More toxic people. Everywhere. And just really ugly and deceptive evil people. Not looking for friends, not looking for love . I'm working on me today
When you start playing a different way, there will be pushback from people who want to keep you in your existing role. Knowing that, even expecting it, can help you navigate the situation without letting their attempt to put you back “in your place” to throw you off your new commitment to put yourself first. Stand firm let them throw a temper tantrum and eventually they’ll start to understand that you are serious. You will end up shedding some people from your life like an old skin and it will require grieving however there are new and better people just around the corner waiting to welcome you.
"Narcissistic" is an adjective and it's important to distinguish it from clinically diagnosed narcissism. Let's take it as an adjective and as such not be so preoccupied with fear about it and simply be more engaged as to what is driving it. It's important to give ourselves Grace if we are going to grow to transcend
Wow.. I was googling how to write my own fairy tale as part of healing after listening to many George McDonald fairy tales… And I came across you… oh my goodness do you hit so many nails on the head for me! Thank you
I became aware that I have narcissistic traits and that's so disturbing to me because I despise narcissists. Fortunately, I realized that narcissists never honestly question whether or not they are a narcissist or will admit to themselves their wrongs when they behave selfishly. I've become aware of how some of my behaviors or thought patterns can be just as abusive as the abuse I am still hurt from and detest in others. It's humbling to realize that, but very necessary to heal. Now I am working on it, not just for myself, but because I realize the harm it can do to others and that helps motivate me when it's not enough to do it for myself. This channel has helped me a lot on my journey, so thank you for that.
Totally understand! When I first recognized that some of my traits looked like narcissism, I was easily able to strike that possibility out, especially thanks to Anna‘s video. The bottom line is that I’m a hyper vigilant person, I’m very guarded, I have a lot of anxiety, and I simply don’t have the bandwidth to take on other people’s heavy stuff. This is my own trauma, not narcissism.
What kind of people want to be a friend to someone in deep ptsd symptoms? This lady at a play group said I seen like I'm carrying a big bag of shot around and that she thought I appeared to be trailer trash. She then wanted to be my friend and try to help me, but I told her I can't be a good friend as I'm not a good friend to myself. Then she said sometimes we just need someone while we're going through it. I don't trust myself to pick healthy people and I push healthy people away too.
I notice myself doing the sweeping generalization thing and it is very similar to the people who hurt me most, they had a lot of projection of "everyone is bad." But now I understand why, because its so much harder to say "I am ashamed and afraid to ask for help" or "the people I relied on let me down" than to dismiss just everyone around you as mean. Now I am getting down to brass tacks with healing I can see my pride and arrogance are just the guard dogs of my insecurity.
What do you do when somebody accuses you of being a victim when you try to enforce a boundary? ie, you say ''please don't call me emotional'' Reaction ''oh pity about you, you're so self-pitying, so self-focused''. All I wanted was that they stop telling me who I am. If I don't accept their labelling, I'm a self-pitying victim. PLEASE do a video about this! my family are so manipulative.
Anna, there is another aspect to this that can be frustrating. There are relationships that HAVE BEEN ONE WAY, where I listen listen listen listen, am available, available, always there for the other.... AND THEN, in an unexpected WAMMY-- unforeseen nasty marital separation (stemming from discovery of infidelity AND that this person was sociopathic), YES, self-absorbed in that pain. Just "too much" for the person who has been supported ongoing, and so now, the person BAILS on me in the midst of the nightmare. ANYONE ELSE?
I’ve taken so many narcissistic personality tests… but deep down I know I’m not. I do believe I have narcissistic traits though. I’ve always been a loner, and with my sisters being out of the house when my dads drinking was at its worst - I had to deal with it all alone. So I’m aggressively independent and self sufficient. It’s hard for me to care about others deeply because I never experienced it myself. As the years go by I’m healing more and more though, and finding ways to show empathy and love towards others… to not live solely for myself.. it’s taken work
I could relate especially to, "It’s hard for me to care about others deeply because I never experienced it myself." It's like we don't know what it looks like or feels like, or we mistaken other things for it...
My mom yelled at me in a fight once, “you only care about people who hurt you, you don’t care about those of us who love you!” I don’t know if you can relate , but it’s like I save all my love and empathy for people who abuse me.. when I think about the relationships I was the most invested in, it was the men who treated me like my dad - cruel, disinterested, manipulative.. The ones who treat me well - I almost resent. Ugh 😔 tough stuff. Sending you love 💛
Great advice. I've healed some and am still working on it. I do isolate, but I enjoy it and keep myself busy. While listening, I realized that I've done some healing in the realm of family interaction, which is wonderful because I love and value my family. Instead of reacting to criticism, I think, "We grew up in the same house, with the same parents, the same siblings and the same environment. Why would expect him/her to behave differently? I'm more aware than they are about the reasons for their behavior." It really helps to keep my temper.
This video was very insightful, thank you. I’m pretty far down the road to healing and self reflection, but one thing I’ve had trouble healing from is finding out my ex husband’s parents were basically telling him I’m a narcissist right before our marriage ended ~7y ago. My dad was very narcissistic - and I know I’m definitely not a narcissist! This video helped me reconcile how they - the two judgmental, hyperreligious people who weren’t privy to the intimate details of our relationship - could’ve come to that conclusion about me. (Ironically, I actually DO believe his mom might be very high on covert narcissistic traits, with starkly clear family roles to support that: my ex was the people pleasing scapegoat, his older brother was the dutiful “flying monkey” who happily delivered messages to us from the parents instead of them calling, and the golden child youngest brother, whom my ex tearfully told me one night has always been the clear favorite.)
Always that endless question. Am I a narcissist? Am I just asking myself that because I know that if I do that people say I am not one? Am I crazy? Am I just asking that because people say that if I ask it I am not? Hard to trust my own thoughts when I want to take a hard look at myself.
From my experiences around the question, it's best to acknowledge the feelings and take it case by case. People act differently depending on who they speak with. No one is exclusively a bully or victim. Ideally in healthy communication we identify with neither.
A lot of us have personality disorders, like me with BPD and narc traits. Personality disorders are on a spectrum, they are not exclusive, they kind of bleed into each other. Now that I know about cptsd, I feel a lot less guilty about having BPD. Plus I've come a long, long way. Just remember, as long as you're seeking to better yourself, educate yourself, understand yourself and others... You're no narc, honey. You hang in there, crazy is on a spectrum also LOL.🤪 Sending you strength, courage, and hugs from Tulsa, Oklahoma. 💪⚔️🫂😘
My thinking is that if you’re going around and around like “am I the narcissist? Am I the abuser?” you may want to consider that you’ve been gaslit. If you’ve been subjected to blame shifting, deflecting, denial, you’re bound to question yourself. You’ve been trained to respond to your own criticism of your partner, even valid ones, by criticizing yourself. You paint yourself into a corner and get paralyzed. And that’s just where they want you so they can sink their teeth in
A real narcissist never questions himself whether he is one or not. So if you are asking yourself or trying to analyse that means you are not . Real narcissist never questions themselves. They have got very high ego (sense of self) and because of that they lack the ability to self reflect because they feel nothing can ever be wrong with them. So basically they never think of them being a narcissist.never.
This was really really good! There are a lot of bitter pills to swallow here. Past 5 years these things have co.e into my awareness and totally threw me off kilter. Taking responsibility for these beliefs,mindset, and behaviors takes courage and time. I'm still working through some of these as I can backslide into old behaviors. It is these behaviors that led me to ask, "Maybe I AM the narcissist here!"😣 The growing pains are worth it". For anyone hearing these things for the first time, I send you hugs and support virtually. Remember this is a journey and love yourself through this process no matter how ugly you feel. Somebody has gotta love you unconditionally through the healing and that person has to be you! 🥰🥰
Recently had to cut ties with a close friend who fits this video to the T. I always wondered why her trauma caused her to so often behave narcissistically, lash out at others, and never, under any circumstances, accept personal responsibility. I’m expecting my first child and am trying to do everything I can to stay in a positive headspace as I’ve dealt with depression in the past (though I feel like I’ve been experiencing remission following ketamine treatment last year), so I made the difficult decision to walk away from the friendship. It feels like my mental health has improved drastically since distancing myself from her relentless drama. I feel really guilty, as I know she has a lot of trauma, and I hope she can someday heal from her CPTSD and feel the wonderful clarity of mind I do now. I think this is a very valuable video, thank you for making it.
Me too. Every single one of them fit my former friend, especially victim mentality and thinking their problems were unique. I tried to set a boundary with them and they lashed out big-time because I didn't want to be their on-call therapist and listen to them talk about themselves endlessly. But I know her personality is probably caused by multiple traumas but it's so baked into her personality that I know that my trying to be her therapist was pointless, counterproductive and draining.
Thank you so much for posting this Anna. One of the fears that kept popping up in my daily practice is fear that I have narcissistic tendencies. After watching this video though I’ve realized that through using the daily practice I am actually starting to heal these tendencies and my relationships are finally starting to blossom.
I hear you. I felt this way for years in my early recovery, and almost gave up on my life because good trauma therapists are thin on the ground. What I can say is that in the last 2.5 years I've healed more than in the first 7. And that's without a therapist, at least one I see personally. My healing has come from an online community of fellow survivors offering validation, support, and advice on next steps - one of which was to check out the CCF videos! Doing the Daily Practice and focusing on changing my own behaviour and thinking has given me another huge growth spurt lately. I have massive hope and faith now I will have a life again, after years of being suicidal, and my symptoms are finally getting better. There's other books and RU-vid teachers out there to try too - I'm getting a lot out of Parts Work currently. And of course, 12 Step groups like ACOA. The good thing about trauma therapy being in its infancy is that this grassroots, part-social media community and set of resources has sprouted up in the absence of trained professionals. I hope that when you're ready, you too might find the healing here that I have. All the best to you.
This is such a courageous video. Folks with cPTSD can have really fearful egos, but it's by challenging that deep stuff that we can really heal. It's not about admitting fault to confirm you are a bad person, it's recognising the issues that make us human. It's not criticism, it's a call to power! Let's not get caught in victimhood, and rather show our humility, our ability to grow!
I was actually always wondering, what's wrong with me. I'm very empathetic, but often times I have no control over my emotions. And then it feels like the whole world is against me and I lash out at everyone and can be quite selfish
When you play Oppression Olympics nobody wins. I'm exhausted from trying to explain myself and my other disabilities to the people and medical professionals around me. A lot of this runs true for me and I also don't know what to do about it because the trauma keeps piling on without nearly the support or ability I need to survive, much less heal. I'll keep trying though.
I have not had any of those behaviours, but I do recognize that my survival pattern to adjust myself to other people, have been manipulative. Not intentionally though. I was just so afraid of somebody being angry with me. Breaking free from that pattern has been a roller coaster, realizing that most people only liked me because I did what they wanted. But being liked for who I am, by few people, makes me so much more happy.
My sister is a classic NPD person. She was responsible for a huge trauma and much of my CPTSD. I have had to cut her out of my life and heal enough to not have these traits. This is a very helpful because I’m still not picking appropriate partners.
Listening to you speak is just so calming for me, sometimes in my anxiety episodes I can't really do anything or take anything in, but hearing your voice alone with so much confidence just brings a little comfort and ease to me. Thank you.
I never feel that I am above anyone else. I like advice and I thought others did too. I am learning just to be quiet and keep to myself. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to be thinking that I was judging them.
I’m going to take the quiz just to see, I was diagnosed with CPTSD, narcissistic traits and learnt behaviors with boarderline personality disorder. I went through three years of EMDR twice a week. I had a break through in Jan 2019 but am still tweaking my adjustment to healthy living each day. I was born into dysfunction with a narcissist mother and older sister, I never knew nothing different. But I believe I do now.
Thank you… I have in my later years experienced a snowball effect of all I have suppressed in the past. This is me. Empty nester , isolation due to COVID - overthinking - feeling different /unworthy, turning it all inward - I’ve dealt with CPST all my life - I have learned a lot in past few years that has explained my tendencies /habits. - I am in therapy , but get so much from listening to you. I’m functional with good friends & family - thank goodness , but the internal struggle is overwhelming at this point in my life at times. I believe it is part of the process, I’m dealing with it with more knowledge and support from people like you which was never there before. 66 yo and feeling so much still. Thank you again.
Hey Anna, thank you. I have been on this journey for about 6 years now. Somehow I managed to compartmentalise all my trauma until my children reached adulthood- over functioner! It was a trauma bonded relationship that opened everything up for me- I am now waiting to see a psychiatrist to see if there is anything else underlying ie a personality disorder due to the trauma I have experienced over childhood and over the years. I am both scared and very dedicated to healing myself. Do you have any videos on trauma that shows up later in life? I never thought of my trauma before- but it showed up in many ways, now I think of it constantly and the grief that comes up with that in so painful 🙏🏻 Thank you x
For me and (I think) for most of us, the history of childhood trauma has a way of leaving us prone to trauma later. Anyone can be traumatized in adulthood, but our connection wound and dysregulation make it very likely we have self-defeating behaviors that play a role, not to mention a broken red-flag detector!
I feel like your friend who told you you were being self centered while you were going through a tremendous amount of anguish in your life could have been more tactful or even more understanding and lenient toward you especially if it was only during that time in your life where you were having a really hard time. Sure people dont sign up to have one way friendships usually but if this wasnt an all the time thing, I think maybe that friend was the one being self centered and probably should have been there for you a bit more in my opinion. We probably wouldn’t think of a friend as being self centered if We knew they were going through the shit storm of their life, so I dont think its unfair to hold our friends to the same standard.
13:49 dang did not expect to connect, but that is the exact source of my depression, having so much potential and stubbed possiblities to contribute good to the world. Now I am just stuck doing nothing for no one, and its causing depression and makes me feel like I am a waste of space.
This resonates with me. I gave up drinking 2 yrs ago and that was quite easy. I'm having a hard time lately because 2 weeks ago I gave up my daily weed habit. The memories and emotion are overwhelming, but your daily practice, that I have been doing for 6 months, is really helping. So thankyou so much. I can't believe how many of my friends over the years are very narcissistic, esp my critical entitled sister who took over when my mother finally died. The guilt I feel for going no contact is so hard - now she is sucking up to my children and it hurts so much!
Glad the Daily Practice has been helpful! So sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time, we're sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You had me from the beginning. At 13:14 didnt have a chance to shine - the tears began to flow. I love the prompts you give, for us to be introspective and work on those bad traits that were externalised in us from our parents. Recovery is about healing the whole self and becoming the best versions of ourself. I only discovered your channel a few weeks ago. So glad I did. We must break the inter generational cycle. 💗
I have heard that substance abusers take on strong narcissistic traits(it's the addiction talking) and it is hard to tell an addict from a narcissist. I can imagine anyone who abuses substance to cope with CPTSD would be a double whammy? I have CPTSD and have only ever dated alcoholic/addicts sadly. I can say in all cases we both acted very unhealthy trying to cope.
I can identify with your last sentence a lot. In my experience (also as an addict (food, tv, pain pills briefly and a partner to a number of addicts over the years) most addicts have trauma as the root of their addiction. I'm not qualified to say if all of them had what we call full blown CPTSD, but my doctor friend uses a very helpful phrase - on the trauma spectrum - and everyone I met in AA or NA or slumped at the bar repeatedly was definitely on that. In fact, most people I know are. Trauma is so widespread in our society, our global society, but "we" are in denial about that. My approach to people at this point in my recovery is to identify them as hurt people, who each have their ways of lashing out or otherwise protecting themselves from the pain. Some are more selfish or narcissistic, as I have been at times. And yeah, addiction seems to ramp that up. Some people I don't want to let into my life because of that. But they're all wounded and it's my challenge daily to feel empathy first for that as I decide how to interact with them, or not.
Substance abuse can look like a lot of things- all of them a mess, but the bottom line is that they are not healthy partners while in active addiction. -Cara@TeamFairy
The sad thing is, my ex was a narcissist (I know everyone says that these days but really), he berated me when I had the flu once because I wasn’t able to give him the attention and energy that he wanted from me. He yelled at me one day because we saw a dog get hit by a car and I was bawling all night and he was pissed that I was “ruining his day too”. But he grew up with an abusive alcoholic father (like me) who beat his mom, and he would intervene as the only other man in the house, and protect her.. he dealt with so much trauma but he became a narcissist and he refuses to ever go to therapy or seek any kind of help. He thinks it’s all bullshit and as far as I see he’ll never think otherwise. It was heartbreaking cause I saw little beacons of light in him, but he was just so cruel and mentally abusive.
I'm horrified at my inability to control my reactivity. 0-100 in one second. I used to walk away, feel sad, guilt, fawn, apologise, now I just go full throttle, look out, no breaks, no tolerance. Then I go into the guilt, but I no longer fawn or apologies. Ruminate instead for weeks. I feel so broken.
Could you please do a video about healing the disorganized attachment style. I recently found out that I have that and it’s due to past trauma issues I never addressed and found out I internalized a lot is self hate due my childhood abuse. I’m going to therapy and did a hypnotherapy as well but what else would you recommend. I don’t know what a good argument looks like and I don’t know how to set boundaries. In arguing I became defensive and hurtful, and feared vulnerability.
My brother was the golden child of my covert narcissist mother (I was the scapegoated daughter). In my view, he's developed a lot of narcissistic traits. I even told him that I didn't think he was inherently narcissistic, but he copies that behavior he learned from our mom and as a result of being the spoiled golden child. He's nearly 50 yrs old and has never lived without his mommy. He's extremely entitled. He has a victim mentality. Very little empathy and never feels true remorse. He never says sorry and if I ask him too, it's a fake sorry or he does it just to hurry up and end the conversation. He has no common sense or problem solving skills because he's never needed to learn them so he uses incompetance to manipulate me into doing things he should know how to do or at least learn to do. Our mom did everything for him. He's resentful of having to work at anything that requires effort or responsibility. He works the same low-level job he's had for the last 20yrs. He's even more resentful of having to do anything for anyone, especially if it doesn't benefit him directly. He gets enraged by any form of criticism, even constructive criticism. He's unteachable and refuses to learn anything new. I could go on and on. He was very abusive physically and emotionally towards me up until my 20s (with our mom's unspoken blessing). He only stopped because I now have value and he can't afford to. He relies on me to care for our dying mother and keep up the household because he knows he can't manage things, nor does he want the responsibility. I get to say things to him now that I never got to before without the same consequences, but the narcissistic traits are still there and very much a problem. It's like dealing with a child. I've told him about us being victims of our mom's narcissistic abuse and he's now using that as an excuse to justify his shitty behavior. I figured he would and I told him to go to counseling, but he won't. He lacks true introspection and doesn't think he needs help in that way. After our mom's dead I'm selling the house and cutting ties with him. He's toxic and I need to focus on my own healing. He's not my responsibility. He's going to crash and burn in the real world, but I don't think I care. I'm trying not to care despite the fact that he's an abuse victim too, but if he won't help himself, I'm not going to be his substitute codependent. I have to walk away for my own good.
This is an excellent checklist for self-reflection. I specifically addressed this line of questioning with my therapist earlier this year and it's been immensely helpful to me. Thank you ❤️
Hmmm I never saw my enthusiasm to help people as being narcissistic. I don’t ever tell them “you should do this that or the other..” It’s more like “given our similar childhoods or upbringing I find this book really helpful, or this RU-vid channel is eye opening, etc.” I make suggestions to people who may benefit from it. And if they’re not interested, at least they have resources in case they feel the need to explore in the future. Also during stressful times I tend to vent to friends about issues, which I know is unhealthy. Part of me thinks, it’s only fair because I will listen when the situation is reversed. I dunno, I’ve spent most of my life walking on eggshells. Fundamentally I know I’m a good person who genuinely cares about others. Im tired of being so self conscious that it inhibits me from expressing myself. Narcissism is on a spectrum and there is such a thing as healthy narcissism which helps to assert boundaries. (I’m not referring to NPD.)
I don't think there's anything wrong with venting to friends so long as it's not one sided and not the only thing either of you talk about. People trying to paint venting to your friends as unhealthy have a weird idea of relationships. Hyper independence and solely relying on therapists to meet your needs (i.e toxic positivity towards everyone else) is not normal for humans, therapists probably rely to some extent on this messaging because it brings them clients imo
So much I think I’m helping with my advice and real knowledge. Not until recently did I see that it comes off as the same arrogance that I’ve always so disliked in my father. It’s so hard to stop 🤷♀️
I know I've played the "you didn't understand" card and I sort of wanted to hear people ask and say, hey, wait, here's how I can fix things. Because there's a paradox with the "I'm unique in my suffering" approach: we really hope nobody else suffered the same, yet we hope for someone we can share and grow with.
Wow, great info. I see now how people perceive me as being arrogant. I also see how I am trying to prove myself as valid, and knowledgeable, also coming off as arrogant, thank you, I am going to work on this!
thank you. your compassionate approach is so helpful. i've had a lot of "aha" moments listening to you. Like you, I don't find it healing to talk about my past traumatic experiences growing up. Many traditional counseling modalities seem to focus on "getting it all out", or explaining what brings you there, etc Traditional therapy wasn't very helpful. I now know that type of request for a narrative triggered me to experience emotional flashbacks. I was suddenly transported to a feeling-state of pain, and child-like powerlessness. Then the therapist wants to impart guidance or ask probing questions. When your brain has been hijacked, it is nearly impossible to be communicative and coherent.
I have a (somewhat) secret belief that most mental health problems are rooted in trauma. I used to hold out for schizophrenia, until I heard a prominent researcher in the UK speak about results showing the strong connection there, too. I shudder and feel sad when people box others or themselves into all these different personality disorders. Sure, it's fundamental to identify the traits you need to heal, but I think as a society and a mental health recovery community we'd be a lot better off just calling all things trauma responses and focusing on that. I feel grateful I eventually got rescued from a "bad" diagnosis, before CPTSD was known, to this "good" one - but why split things up in the first place? I honestly believe many of these these labels serve only the academics who like to categorise people into types and write them off to some degree, and the pharmaceutical industry.
A lot of people have empathy and actually do understand when they say so. Struggle with relationships .. I think this is extremely important. I don't think that we are emotionally unavailable specifically, I just said that the other day to someone, I think we just grew up without the coping skills to handle our emotions in a healthy way. Growing up my mother was extremely emotionally manipulative - She still is. How I've dealt with it was just suppressing my feelings until I'm able to not care about the situation anymore. I've told my therapist this a few time she doesn't have much to say about it. It was an excruciating pill to swallow but, I realized that I make people feel like I do this with them. Silent treatment, guilt trip and then act out later. I won't I'll just not care, at least I don't think so. It's not good anyway. I haven't learned how to ask what I need from someone in a relationship, nor have I learned how to appropriately display my feelings. I'll say how I feel and explain why I care about it, but it somehow..I don't know falls flat. Do we just need to be more assertive? I've definitely told someone, what they need to do with their private life - This was a very brilliant, kind hearted, inclusive, funny accomplished young man. I'm a divorced single mom with half a bachelor's degree - I can teach him nothing: he doesn't need my help or support - I can't even finish I'm mortified but learned my lesson. Anyway - agency. There's a very fine line between doing dysfunctional things because we want love and, dark traits. I hope all of us can heal, the world is lovely.🥰(Hope it's not a sweeping statement, I'm just really happy.)
Ooh, rough. Even writing this, I felt a zap of “𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚'𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩". I wish I had seen this earlier, I ended up pulling all of these on the person closest to me earlier tonight. I feel lame and ashamed. I had a lot of time to ruminate about something minute, they were incredibly busy, and by the time I could get a second with them, I was all steamed up, ready to pop with those sweeping statements. Their head was already spinning, and I came at them hot. I hope I can get them to watch this, after I grovel for forgiveness..
Some behaviour is very toxic to others. Society will put you in jail for some of it. To continue being emotionally open to that behaviour or to dispense it cannot be in the best interests of either the giver or receiver. I’m sure the narc’s payoff is a form of self protection when acting from stress or threat and probably the victim has a pay off to continue their victim story. But thank you for reminding us that we are all human and can choose the roles we play when we can regulate and be self aware. Wishing everyone wellness on their healing and discovery journeys.
Thank you so much for taking time to make these videos. Sometimes I really do believe you're a fairy or some kind of magical being - you always seem to post a video on the exact thing I need to hear. I've been thinking a lot about the correlation between nightmares and CPTSD, I wonder if you could ever take on this topic!
Everyone has blind spots and seem this way at times in their lives. It’s not fun for anyone. Learning how to be there for yourself frees you to look at these traits. That way you can admit it and work to be kind to the hurt kid in you. The hardest and scariest thing to do.
Absolutely true. All the people I know who are successful professionally, had self-confidence and the ability to put their needs first, without feeling guilty. I have thought about how healthy people can put themselves first and get ahead and take care of things to make their lives good, and do not feel guilt. Many of us with cptsd were taught that this was selfishness.
Thank u so much for this video. Ive often wondered if i am in fact narcissistic cos i have behaved in such a way that made me believe i was an stil do. Things have Definitely improved since i quit drink and drugs almost 2 yrs ago
Good for you Luke!!! That is something to be really proud of I must say! I'm 62 and it's been 23 years for me since alcohol made me (brave) hmm, also 20 since cigarettes, I've done the little smokes with the weed etc and problems or not, my problems are still far better now being dealt with even in pain than being boozed up and ignoring them, I know longer have to hide my shame. Keep going you can do it and you are. Congratulations 🎊
I always knew I had SOME narcissistic tendencies but hadn't faced all of them. I truly, in my heart of hearts, want to be super nice and loving and kind, but 75% of the time I just can't stand people and act like an a$$#ole. I love to give unsolicited advice... Thanks for helping me discover these things in myself in a deeper way.
I wish RU-vid would have a care button like Facebook does. 🤗 I have always been a nice person but I have extremely severe OCD that my covert narc family exploited. I can't stand people in general either. Most people don't put out the same mindfull politeness that I put out. And that's not being narcissistic. Just realistic. I wish everyone would work on their manners. I recognize the narcissistic traits I do have as healthy boundaries that protect me from disappointment and more heartbreak.
My mom has many of them as well as me. I just noticias I have a frágiles ego because I have low self steem, so when my mother disrespect me it's like she is trying to humiliate me and my ego us hurt, instead of thinking rationally and see that she had a bad infancy and in her home yelling was normal and literally she believes parents have more value and deserve more r3spext that their sons and daughters, just because they are parents, so she feels like it doesn't matter if she yell at me, or insult me, because" she is my mother" and I own her respect because she holds that power position, it's very sad that's how she thinks because that's how they taught her to think.
This whole video I felt. Especially @22:28. My ex struggles with this c/ptsd and tells me the general population is terrible and refuses to have a social life/work with people. And instead isolate himself. I cant convince him or help him out of that mindset
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am going through such a difficult time right now. I feel like there is no way to fix it or move forward. My home country is at war, I struggle with my manager at work and recently went through a breakup. Also recently stop talking with two of my girlfriends. One was emotionally dumping on me and another was cheating on her husband and was telling me about her affair with the guy who was also married. I don’t know where to start anymore to be honest…Just emotionally exhausted
