I have zero interest in getting back together with that dismissive avoidant… I’m interested in healing my cptsd and the disorganized attachment that relationship brought out. The point is to not repeat relational mistakes in the future.
😮 H,,h, how profound,, Cold bitter truth,,!! Over a Comforting lie,,!! I,,i,it's like the lie, is nice and warm, a,,a,and yes and comforting,, but the truth is,, well kind of,, cold,, and b,,bitter,,!! Where did you get this quote,, how how could you come up with this,,?? i,,i,I mean is this even in the Bible,,?,, Cold,,, a,,and bitter is,, the truth,,!! Yet,, warm,, and Comforting,, is the lie,, like a big warm Quilt of lie,,!! B,,but if you want the Truth,,, you better be prepared,,,!! Get your big Coat and gloves on too,, maybe a scarf,?? Definitely,, thick Socks,,, And prepare for the Truth,,,!!TRUTH,,,!!! Oh wow,, this quote,, it,, it is just,,. I want it,,, Cocaine also helps too though,,,
@@positivel5530 Even if they are not narcissists they sure do behave like they are. So does the difference in their motivations really matter from the perspective of those on the receiving end of their behavior?
Probably seeking some traditions, is also good idea..to save the society in healthy ways, and yet be modern, but minimalistic. and seeking people who seek traditions, being polite is also part of traditions. This is a love letter from lady who is Opera or soprano singer and her hubby is also classical music conductor, he loves minimalism, at work, minimal gestures with maximal benefit. because too much noise is distracting. He always uses polite language when talking to colleagues whether it face to face or online. Because classy language actually helps you to protect yourself from some unwanted behavior... He said in the 1950´s the conductors used to be harsh on colleagues (or the males), on musicians, in order to force discipline, but today such attitude would not work out well, the collaegues would just ignore you as director or leader, or conductor, if you would talk to them harshly so men in ceratin positinions have to act classy, and be polite, if its possible even today ...but they also have great sense of humor, the job isnt boring. She doesn´t post much content on Instagram because as she said on facebook, people who know me, know that I dont like to brag about myself I promised content but I don´t post much content. but I like her attitude even though she is not posting much. She wrote a nice love letter to their 9 years of relationship and wedding, two years ago. The love can look like this, especially for those who still like traditions, it may inspire you in some way, for your love journey. From instagram: "9year since my amazing man traveled from Italy be with me in this Tinny Rainy country called The Netherlands. We have had some amazing times and some very rough seas but that’s what the best adventures are made from. Through it all we have always had the most important ingredient: Love! Love which keeps growing bigger and stronger with every passing moment. 2022 will remembered for the official knot we have finally tied in it and for the house we found. The 2023 marks the start of actually buying that house and making it our own! To new amazing adventures and another 40 years together at least! (Yes I will keep resetting that clock for as long as I can! ) I love you. I love every part of you, every thought and word...the entire complex, fascinating bundle of all the things you are. I want you with ten different kinds of need at once. I love all the seasons of you, the way you are now, the thought of how much more beautiful you'll be in the decades to come. I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask." Year later she wrote: "year later and I love you even more." he treats people with humility and polite attitude, and his pilosophy is if someone is rude arrogrant, just ignore them they will stop approaching you, he is also "romanticism" lover of 19 century, loves paintnings and music and yet he is masculine guy, looks masculine and she is very feminine.
And if you’ve been walking on eggshells with an avoidant, your cortisol has been high through the relationship. I’ve been taking supplements to regulate my cortisol, meditating everyday and in therapy. It really helps get you out of the fight, flight, freeze cycle. Starting to come to realization my ex is terrible for me and I don’t need him.
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
My ex and I broke up a couple of years ago. At that time I did not understand the dynamics of masculine to feminine polarity and was acting needy which drover her away. After the breakup I went ahead and lived my life to the fullest. I educated myself on being a better man and delved 100% into educating myself and being a better man. I got on point and focused on being better than I was the day before. A year after our separation she reached out to me. I refused her due to the fact that I was seeing someone else. Shortly later after I became single I returned her message. Shortly later we started doing things together and that led to formal dating. We became exclusive after a few months and now have been together over a year. Nothing is perfect, but we are definitely compatible and do love each other. But I also realize that since we have broken up once before the chance of it happening again is a very real possibility. And if that is the case, with the growth that I have experienced I know that I will be just fine.
Have you thought, that as a result that you Grew, That you might be too tall for him now,? I did the Same my ex just stayed the same, but I grew, in the end I was at least 4ft taller than her,,!!
@@yeswing10 Lust is Just,, well Anything Tasty, And Anything pleasant to the eye,, And anything to be Desired to make one Wise,, To know a thing, all Concerning Oneself,, Or For The Gain, Whether it be a wealth, Or a Fleshly Satisfaction,, Whilst Love is a giving of Oneself With no Asking for return, But in a faith That The Love,, Shown,, of That giving Of Oneself, will Naturally Come through As a result of Loving Another. Even as they, have Also loved you. True, Real Love,, is,, SACRIFICE,,
after many years apart, he is worse ! all the things i'd left him over are now readily, glaringly apparent. glad i listened to my intuition despite how subtle it was back then. my god, it was hard !!
I’ve been watching these types of videos on no contact and avoidant attachment, not to get my ex back but to move on. I’m convinced she will never be back and I’ve made my peace with it. This video gives me a perspective that most likely we would break up again if we ever come back together, why go through that again?
@@ceyciemateo9411 Have you been in enough relationships to understand all of the possible different situations that happen in the billions of relationships in the world? I'm pretty confident the answer is no. You don't know what his situation was. In my case, I also did the opposite of neglecting. I poured my heart out even when I was getting very little back because I thought things would improve. I was told that she didn't feel ready and couldn't reciprocate, that I deserved someone else who could. I was also told I was kinder than she deserved. Please don't act like you know everything, because you do not. Nobody does.
Chris, you are one of most HONEST people out here! There are only a few others. I see why you're so respected. I use to vacillate between breaking NC and moving on. Thank you, Chris!
Everything you said is true, I’m now on the third breakup with my dismissive avoidant ex. He has caused me a huge amount of trauma and pain. This is one of your best videos I think, you should definitely not want someone back who can put you through hell and back. Like you said pour your energy into yourself and when the time is right try and be in a relationship with someone more secure ❤
You deserve better... what helps me ( eventhough i dumped my ex) is watching motivational videos.. inspirational videos.. affirmations... good music.. working out and focusing on yourself and also eating and drinking healthy... eventually you will find yourself again and learn what never to tolerate ever again..
Fun fact and its could be a hard core truth. Try to understand urself why you chase unavailable people. Possibly you feel incomplete inside and not ready to accept the easy partners maybe coz its too easy and there is no spice to it. Or u push them away saying they not our type.But see around and observe the happy couples. Their love stories started in mundanity (no huge dramas). We the half ppl were chasing the drama and left the good ppl behind and took up a unnecessary task of trying to change someone who is emotionally immature.. why? Because we hvnt taken the accountability of ourselves been broken or living a half life. I have come a long way in this journey and spent half my life in limerence of so called avoidants or control freaks. But i have learned one thing.. you come alone in this world and die alone.. what happens in between in ur life is the only thing u can control. Meditation and breath work has helped me stay in current moment. Live every moment for today and for urself. No one else matters. And while u live that way if someone loves to join you and u feel they are truely withu in synergy.. is the right person for u. And they can come in any shape size and form (Even they can decide to leave one day by any means). After all our whole Life is an act of letting go.. including ur own soul at its end. Hence dont chase let life happen in the moment. And only when u live like this and welcome things that way and let go of things that want to go one will be truely happy inside to the soul level.
❓❓Do people try to get their old job back after getting fired?? NO, they focus on finding a new job! so why try to get your ex back after he Left you? Breakup industry is helping you get your OLD job back instead of giving you tools go get a better new job... My respect for this video ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐👏👏👏👏
I wondered about this recently. My ex is severely avoidant. She broke up with me. Has no self awareness. Blame. No responsibility for any part of the relationship. Ignored and stonewalled me. I asked her if she wanted to go to couples therapy to which she said she didn't have anything to fix. And she said there shouldn't be ANY compromise in a relationship. Constantly interrupted when I tried to communicate. Even if she came back there is too much damage. There is no way to fix and salvage what is broken. I'm all in to fix things, myself included, and her. But I think it's an uphill battle.
If I had to describe my ex' features, it would be almost exactly the same... ! They never learn, you just love them the way they are and learn to get along with them, or dont let them back into your life and wish em well.
Being in a relationship like that would be like you're the parent, and she is the child. You are both living at a different level. It will not work. You deserve someone more at your level of self-awareness and accountability, but you have to be very discerning in the beginning of dating someone, much less committing to someone. And needing counseling sessions with someone even BEFORE marriage? 🤔 uh-uh. No way. It won't get better. Run! Quick and far!
Man I really appreciate this video. She ghosted me three weeks ago after four months and I’m obsessed with getting her back. I’m not in any sort of state to make life decisions right now with my chemistry so out of whack.
Dude, Ive just passed through 6 months ofhell, stood in the ashes of my ruin and gazed upon my own death. Do nt do it. Which means nothing, I know. It has to evolve naturally, but when you start to becoome disappointed and start to give up, as in really give up, that is when the healing occurs and only then can you engage with dignity, self control and reason. Til then brother, god speed on your journey through the valley of death.
@@exxcaliburs6002 I have no idea how I’ve managed to maintain no contact. She had an obsessed ex that would just show up, and I promised her I would never chase her. Now I see what was happening. She’d done the same to him. I catch myself trying to trick myself into reaching out. I’ve never felt this neurotic. Keeping away let’s me keep my last shred of dignity and every impulse I feel is to reach out. It’s absolute hell.
I wish you two were my ex talking. Every single fight, I was the one who had to call him to get him to finally talk to me again, and he absolutely refused to call me first. I'd chase him, blow up his phone and he'd throw me into horrific anxiety not answering me for days. It has been like an evil game. If I bring up anything at all, including him being "intimately selfish", he would rage on me and hang up, and then block me. He "left me hanging" every single time for the last year during intimacy. Only cared about his own pleasure and I did all the "work". It made me feel used, unappreciated, unattractive and taken for granted. I spoiled the shit out of him and never got it back. Only caught hell. I have worshipped the ground he walked on. Fell at his feet, smothered him with physical attention that he LOVED, and he just told me AGAIN that I need to get my shit together because I brought up things about our relationship and wanted to talk about them. He flippantly said he doesn't belong in a relationship and would like me in his life "to some degree" but knows I want "all or nothing" so it's my choice to leave HIM. I cannot believe how he spun it completely around on me. I said "you can't be serious, are you fn kidding me?" He ripped into me and blocked me. We are nearly 50 years old. I've made a complete fool of myself. Was ready to do something stupid 2 nights ago to myself. The anxiety won't stop. I wake with extreme nervousness in my stomach and still, I can't stop the obsessing over how he could be so cold. He was going thru a divorce, I did so much for him by being his soundboard daily, supporting him, fighting for him, and continually got gaslit, and stonewalled & punished. Right down to getting him sobered up as he was a drunken mess. All for nothing. He took me for granted and I was not allowed to bring anything up or suffer the consequences. He'd make it sound like I was a nagging girlfriend. Though he's done this before to me repeatedly and I went through torture, I am still here thinking, "I f'd it all up, i should've kept my mouth shut. It's MY FAULT." I have even lost my faith. I wish there was a place to go to make the pain stop. Minutes go by like hours.
I can relate. My ex broke up with me last week after being together for three months. He decided to go back to his ex a week after his ex reached out to him. Everything was good between us. We had no fights or arguments. I think that level security scared him, thinking that I was too good for him and he felt that he didn't deserve it. He had to run back to some familiar. I wish you well on your healing journey.
This is excellent! Working on healing your wounds and becoming your best self only has benefits! I appreciate the direction that you're going with this.
Wow. This video hit hard. I started watching more of your recent ones and I needed them. Thank you for your novel and honest approach. This is stuff no other dating coach has offered. Please keep doing what you’re doing. It is helping some get their exes back and stay and you’re helping others move on.
This video was extremely helpful and very honest. There is a breakup industry and I’m glad you’re honest about your integrity and what your true goals and hopes for your clients are, which is being happy and secure - which means many times not going back to an ex. Appreciated this video a ton!
You know what Chris, if your honesty makes people mad, then that’s on them! I’d much rather you tell me the truth vs a lie to make money. Actually, you just gained even more respect from me!! Thank you for posting this!! Much love to you and your wife!!
Chris Thank you so much for your candidness and being genuine. Your info has helped me tremendously. Speaking for myself, it’s not anxious attachment in me. It’s a partnership of 8 years that I placed my full trust in. Poof she ghosted. She self admitted she has issues and knows she is a DA. I loved selfLESSLY and gave all despite it. I’m mourning the loss , like a death.
I just finished the book attached. If you want to take a new path. No bs. Listen to it and apply it. This video you did effectively confirms everything. Very well done.
This is what happens when you advise people to break no contact after 30 days. Of course it opens the door to be dumped again. The 30 days rule is BS. Reaching out to an ex (dumper) is a mistake. They need to reach out saying something significant
@@PB-md3nt Yeah but Chris Seiter advises...just look at his no contact playlist. He is OK with people reaching out to their exes after 30 days by breaking no contact lol. So of course his clients will be dumped again...and their life will be a mess when they get back together. He is showing in this video that their clients are getting back with an ex in the wrong way
@@tanguerogo The issue is, and I can speak from experience, after NC the problem is that the dumper does not want to work on what THEY contributed to the breakup. So what ends up happening is that the same problems will resurface over and over and over as many makeup/breakup cycles there are.
It’s a great video, Chris! People need explanations about avoidance anyway - not to return avoidant partners back,but to receive some closure, to receive understanding. It can take years to heal otherwise without logical understanding what the hell happened…
Extremely brave of You to Make this video . I can only gather Your conscious got the better of You , huge respect for Your honesty I’ve already been dumped twice by my ex . Now He has resorted to ghosting Being aware that I’m anxious I’m working on myself . Im reading and learning even more about attachment theory . I never want to be with an Avoidant again or Any Man who isn’t sure if He wants Me I can’t go through this again . He isn’t worth it and I’m worth more than His breadcrumbs . His Lack of Intimacy , Flakey self absorbed ,inconsiderate , disrespectful crap
Same, got him back lost him 6 months later just by reaching out after a couple months because I missed him. This time I am more physically, emotionally and mentally destroyed. I didn’t stumble on your stuff till now though. The interview you had with Lee the ungettable woman was the BEST to be honest. She broke up with her ex the second time I believe because she knew she could do better and she was so much cooler than him 😂 Unfortunately my ex was extremely intelligent and has the accolades to prove it, I however am a university graduate but I’m not in the same category. After we broke up it seemed his phantom ex became a previous ex 🤷🏻♀️
ah yes Chris. meditation and shadow work are what's needed for the cortisol levels to shift down. I love this though. Yes, focus more on us healing anxious attachment. but maybe trick some of us with "ex back" hooks while slyly teaching us nervous system regulation. But thank you for always ..caring and being a good person.
This was really good, becoming aware so much of the wanting them back is a trick of our body and mind allows us to choose. Relationships with friends, Passion projects, self improvement, and especially regulating cortisol are the focus.
Watched it till the very last second. Probably the best break-up video I have ever seen. Changed my entire view on how I should behave post break-up... Thanks ALOT...
Indeed, indeed, indeed. Everything you said, Chris. Changing my attachment style. No more dismissive avoidants. No more high levels of cortisol for extended periods.
Thank you for an honest video! Very unique! Also, every 6th person acc to new studies, have manipulative personality disorder. And guess who us anxious often are addicted to? That type.
Chris you are so brave and sincere to have always highlighted the inconvenient truth. You initially said that there is a very likely chance your program will not work to get your ex back, and now that if we do it may still not work long term, so work on yourself. Your honesty is your strongest suit.
People who want their ex back have attachment problems. So they will inevitably be in a toxic relationship dynamic again unless they heal or get lucky and get with a patient secure person.
Best video on this topic, 100%. I've watched 100s of hours on RU-vid about getting back exes, working on yourself and attachment theory, even dozens of the awful "Get her back in 30 days" videos, and this one sums up most of what I learned. I don't want my ex back anymore. I've been working on myself a lot, and in the process I've realized that we just aren't compatible, and that's OK. My cortisol levels were running the show. It took 7 months of agony, thinking critically, talking to my friends, trying myself in new things and challenging my fears, and now I'm better than ever! If you're in a situation like he describes, you too can get to where I am now, where everything is better. I'll never see her again, and everything is better for it. Start your journey now, for YOU! Meditation helped get my mind calm enough to think straight. Working out got me confidence, like, IMMEDIATELY! I've gained a whole new perspective on life and what matters in it (hint: things only matter if you decide they do).
This is great advice. I think it could be additionally helpful to directly mention the concept of “relationship to self, which is indirectly mentioned in the last minute or so of the video. This is a really important concept which might deserve its own video.
Great post! I think the key problem in the "second breakup" is exactly as you said: many of the people who reunite with their exes make the same mistakes as they did the first time around. It's a second chance, a second honeymoon phase. That euphoria is difficult to resist, much less think clearly within. And if their exes are for the most part avoidants, this only increases the probability of a second breakup.
I'm an anxious attachment after my break up I watched every video on RU-vid about avoidants and how to get my ex back. My ex has been bread crumbing me and still not sure if he wants me back. After a while I came to conclusion I don't care if he comes back or not. I blocked him, we are cool even though I don't want to be friends and I'm not dating but I am dating myself and my focus went from my ex to myself. I don't care what he does anymore I wish him the best and now my focus is me. Thank you for this video. I needed this video, now I feel more sure about my decision to finally close the chapter and rewrite the new one!
I'm not sure people even want their ex back anyway, it's about the security, familiarity and being with someone. People personify a relationship and miss the relationship and brain chemistry that comes with that, they just think it's about the person. Reactive attachment disorder should be where the work goes rather than an ex. Great video 😊 nice and honest
I had a breakup with a fearful avoidant I really do love and they apologized to me for what they did and how they handled things. I thanked them but haven’t reached out since.
This is maybe the best video I have watched about breakups. My ex left me over 2 years ago and came back within 3 months. He wasn’t fully back in until a year ago. I’m FA but this has pushed me more into my anxious side. But throughout I have been working on myself. Working towards a secure attachment is the only thing that will make a difference to your life long term.
I noticed this myself being in an on and off relationship for two years. My ex would break up with me, around two months later I would be feeling happy/focusing on myself, and that's exactly when they would come crawling back. It's weird. Thankfully, I'm done taking them back.
❤❤❤❤ thank you sir for this video no I will not go to ask that embarrass me and did a lot of things to me and at the end of the day he disrespect me so many ways and I'm over it I'm moving on and I haven't been with that person for 2 years and I'm proud of myself that I didn't go ballistic crazy or cuz you know what he done so it's best that you know I haven't talked to him at all I'm moving on
Chris this is the most important video you have ever made, and I strongly, strongly encourage you to include it in the introduction of your programme. I have actually bought your programme and I'm a psychologist myself, and it was immediately obvious to me that this element was missing, especially when you had done your research and were aware that the vast majority of your clients were anxious while their exes were avoidant. Without there being EQUAL measures of effort on the side of BOTH parties working on the behaviours arising from their attachment styles, they will either break up again or be stuck in a miserable dynamic. But most often break up. I'm not a believer in demonising avoidants, however they are certainly the less likely between an anxious and an avoidant to actually commit to working on themselves and their avoidant tendencies
Sorry just got around to seeing this. I think you are absolutely right. I definitely want to update the program whenever I have a handle on everything and I will absolutely include this video in it!
Watching these coaching videos illuminated an issue not common to most, what i learned is more to my closure and undestanding everyone elses similar issues with attachment styles.its easier to balance your cardizal level s by learning what you went through and the fact that your issue is no more special to everyone elses issue. What we all learn is from comment secton, over time forget about it and move on.
Can you make more videos to help us avoidents recognize our deactivation states and heal. I don't want to be this way but it's so subconscious sometimes.
Spoke with the ex after 6 months two days ago. I am not sure where I stand. I love her as a human , sure, but I dont want to experience the hellish mind fuck of what happened and the dark noight of the soul ever again. I Knew nothing of attachment. Now I could write a book. Ive absorded 1000s of hours. So we'll see. She can have her space as a textbook avoidant because Im wary af. I am also used to her absence. If she comes back, she can drive it, if not, so be it. There will be caveats aplenty. Ive dated the most beautiful women in my life since she left. I look right through them but the point is, I surived. Thus, she has less power over me.
Couldn't agree more- recently reunited with an ex and the magic was completely gone- the fun, the electricity, the sheer magic & excitement was totally absent. And Life bought us both a brand new pair of luggage. It's been a couple months and completely over her but I only have love & the best wishes for her.
*_Before I watch the vid just off the cuff:_* _Evolutionarily,_ perhaps it sometimes has something to do with automatically valuing one another less if you get back together because on some primitive level there’s always that thing of _”So you weren’t able to find someone as good as me while you were away?”,_ and there’s always an illusory extra confidence thing there as well of _”well this isn’t going to end hey”._ peace out aye and much love to everyone trying to get over their ex you gotta do it for your self esteem and sanity, learn what it’s like to be wanted again by another by doing the right things along that path. Cheers! 🎸😎❤️
I’ve pretty much made up my mind. I don’t plan on going back as I stated in my comment on your last video. I’m done. What transpired for me is unforgivable.
Currently undergoing therapy and having daily yoga to try and control the stress. The avoidant person discarded me second time with no explanation. They didn't care or love me by the discarding action and passive aggressiveness. Just finding hard to let go but I hope that I will be fine in time and learn to be stronger again. Don't ever go back to your ex it never works the second time round. Chris is right - the trajectory is that getting an ex back is more likely to prolong the pain and suffering you feel. I realise now that I need to heal myself and not get lured into this type of relationship again. 💔
I really appreciate the truth in this. I have experienced it exactly. I did not realize it was my cortisol level that was screwed up. My ex and i dated for about 6 months, begining of 2023. Broke up, i did a lot of work on myself for a few months, we were hanging out, and i had become ok with just being friends, then we tried again. That lasted like 2 months, cuz the work i had been doing on myself fell away, and i backslid to the same person i was before (needy/clingy etc) Since then, ive been on this roller coaster, of missing her, going no contact for a while, then we talk or hang out again and im sucked right back into wanting her back, being all needy and clingy, and it just turns her away again. I need to just stay away until i'm TRULY ok with just being friends. I actually DONT want to date her again ,but we were such good friends i'd like that to be the dynamic. I just, for now anyway, end up going back down the rabbit hole of obsession/limerence.
@@louisvanderwalt2820 I am actually either FB friends or actual, real friends with most of my ex's. This one is just harder because of how hard i fell. Having real trouble letting go of the romantic draw, and getting to the point where i'm ok with being just friends.
