The No B.S. Approach to Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy [IT'S TIME YOU HEARD] 

The advice that Matt is giving here is to expose yourself to the things that are causing you the most stress. While exposure therapy does help, I personally do not advise people to dive head-first into said exposure. Having my Masters' in Psychology, I wrote a lot about RJ (whether it be RJ or RJ OCD) using Zach Stockhill's course and having spoken to Zach personally. Here are key pieces of advice for those that just cannot seem to figure it out. 1. Retroactive Jealousy is designed to hurt you, but not for the reasons you think. Retroactive Jealousy preys upon your weaknesses and attacks the things your most insecure about. Having personally struggled with Retroactive Jealousy, I took note of every question I've asked my girlfriend and realized that there were a lot of questions I never asked such as: "do I have the nicest smile?" Because growing up, I was always complimented on my smile and had been asked questions such as "have you ever had braces?" which was the ultimate compliment considering I never did. Point being, this was something I was always being complimented about, but it was not something I really had much control over. I.e., this type of compliment is different than "you have the best fashion out of everyone," for example, because you do have control over that and your sense of fashion and opinion is being affirmed. Therefore, one thing to consider about Retroactive Jealousy is, are you jealous about the things you're not? Or are you scared about the things you THINK you're not? 2. Time heals all wounds. I remember dating my ex-girlfriend in 2020 and I had been asking her a million questions about her ex-boyfriend in highschool. Mind you, at the time, that would have been 5-6 years ago from 2020. My current girlfriend, I hear about a guy she dated 4-5 years ago and I don't pay any mind to it. I started to question why? My theory on this is that we only focus on the major people in our partners' life and we essentially tunnel vision onto that one specific person. Maybe it's someone your partner did everything with (both sexually and non-sexually). We start to envy them for reasons we're not quite sure of. Maybe because you wanted to be that person she did everything with or you're jealous because you've never done these things with anyone. I had talked about this with my girlfriend and explained my way of thinking and she reassured me by stating that she never thinks of any other guys, only me. That got me into some serious thinking. Am I really jealous? Or is it a fight-or-flight response? Digging more deeply into this way of thinking, I found out one reason why I find myself reminiscing into her past and it's this. I ask her questions about her partner, she answers. This is a repetitive thing so it's quite hard to forget about someone. I then find myself worried she's thinking about her partner, so I ask more questions to feel better. See the mistake? The mistake here isn't necessarily asking the questions, but rather, it's the assumption that she was thinking about them in the first place. Maybe she was, maybe she is, I have no idea and quite frankly, I don't care much. They are NOT with that person anymore for a reason, and they chose for you to be in their present life for a reason and that reason is NOT to be reminded about the past failures in her life. That's all they are---failures. I started seeing her past relationships as past failures, I stopped thinking so much about them because I kept reminding myself that I would have hated had she reminded me about the things I did poorly in. A class, or lost a football game, etc. 3. Ignorance is bliss. I know one of the things that affected me the most with Retroactive Jealousy were the mental cinemas being broadcasted in my brain all day. It gets tiring and quite frankly, it sickens you. One thing to remember is that the past never played out the way you think. If you ask about it and they tell you what happened, most likely, it's a distorted memory that isn't as accurate as it may have been a year or two ago. Not to say that they're not telling you the truth about it, but a person can only recall so much of their past to an extent. Past that extent is beyond them and it should be beyond you too. Your main focus in the relationship shouldn't be reminding yourself of their past but rather, reminding yourself (and this is something they should do as well) why they're with you NOW. It is not their responsibility to put you on a pedastal and make you feel like you're king of the world, but being confident in a relationship is a two-way street and they should be making sure you're feeling confident for the right reasons. My girlfriend used to tear into her ex, saying all the things he sucked at and how unhappy she was in the relationship. That didn't stop the thoughts or the questions, but it did help knowing that I'm not the one she's talking about. It helped me realize that this relationship was designed to be mine and hers, and I had a good opportunity to be the things that her ex wasn't and couldn't be. It was a good chance for me to treat her the way she's always wanted to be treated. I almost got excited because I had a chance to be something more than my anxiety and Retroactive Jealousy. Time is a precious thing and it should be spent truly doing your best. If you're with someone and they're having a hard time understanding what RJ is, revert back to this comment and remind them that you're doing your best to stop it and that it won't last forever, because so long as you try and fight it, it will never win. Keep reminding yourself that they're not thinking of that person, and if they are, you need to realize these red flags. Remind yourself that love triumphs all, and at the end of the day, you're with each other for a reason. Do NOT attack your partner or interrogate them, let them know you're having a situation and let them do their best to help you. I love you if you're reading this.

The gentle approach not only slows down the healing process, but it doesn't work when you have Retroactive Jealousy OCD. I have a very strict healing plan: absolutely no questions about the partner's past, I set up weekly rewards if I can do it. Every time I find myself in an obsessive thought, I set a timer for 15 minutes before I can indulge in it (usually by the time it rings I forgot about the thought), and I'm increasing it by 5 minutes every week. I'm at day 10 and going strong, my anxiety is sky high but I know that only means it's working.

Definitely the best video on Retroactive Jealousy to date, in fact I tried to trigger myself and honestly I barely felt any sort of negative feelings suprsingly. I really had to dive and nitpick feelings that I eventually realized were more so based on my own skepticism about this method.

Your an amazing young man. Thank you!!!

Ok, I guess this doesn't apply to the person breadcrumbing, just if you are finally with the person that breadcrumed you... having a very hard time right now letting go even though I know I am being fucked with and not taken seriously, may he enjoy his so called options, although I definately have other names for them as well as him. I guess it is a good thing nothing ever came of it...I guess this is different in the fact he already knew of my feelings for him and he decided to fuck eleswhere, anyway...it hurts...I guess it's not the same as someone you didn't know before...heart ache to the max...