Not just in marriage, but in dealing with humans in general. There are way, way, *WAY* too many people who can't forgive *anyone* for *anything*, even for the tiniest social gaffe.
Thank you for being vulnerable. It must suck to share this, even if it is helping a lot of us who are in this situation. Which, btw, this marriage problems series has helped me be a more effective communicator for my husband. I can see a difference between us and it’s been a blessing. Still, I see the bullet and thanks a bunch for taking it for the rest of us.
4:13-4:28 I think I needed to hear that. For years I’ve wrestled with the idea of forgiving my cousin’s killer, who was never caught (“will I have betrayed my cousin by forgiving his killer?” “Why should I forgive someone who is not sorry?”) but I really like how Jonathan worded forgiveness as being a choice we make EVERY TIME the hurt comes up because it still acknowledges the pain I will probably have to some degree for the rest of my life over the lose of my cousin in this brutal way.
2:45 is exactly how my ex reacted to me being unable to forget. And you illustrated exactly what I really wanted from her. This was unbelievably healing to hear you describe in those words what I felt I wanted from her. Thank you so much!
I’m currently in this same situation with my partner. I find it really comforting and helpful to hear from you two who are living with similar circumstances. Appreciate the inner and outer work that you do. ❤
Recommended books: - Forgiveness is a choice - Forgiving what you can't forget - Book of forgiving Most people don't understand what forgiveness truly is. Often forgiveness is HARD and a very painful process. But you can gain emotional maturity.and most importantly: peace 😌 I tried the process and it worked for me. In the beginning I thought it would be impossible to forgive someone who hurt me so much. Forgiveness is the biggest gift you can give: to yourself ❤ Please don't rush the process. Take brakes (first book on the topic, after few pages I cried my heart out and needed few weeks before I could carry on reading). Forgiveness is also not like a button you press and it's done. To me it's like a lever. You touch and do it gradually, litlle by little. *Also have Long Walk to Freedom book to read.
Thank you so much for the recommendations on books. Though I haven’t been actively searching for such books, I did feel that I desperately need a book on the process. And I feel you about the pain in working towards forgiveness, it’s like healing that is, too, oftentimes painful. With pain it’s so difficult to untangle the emotions, it all gets muddied up with anger and resentment and self pity and what not that it becomes difficult for me to say what’s what, and even though I realized years ago that it’s better to forgive to ease and out of kindness to your own heart it’s always been very difficult, and almost impossible thing for me to do, so I really feel the need of something to guide me. I appreciate your recommendations and I’ll look them up.
Thank you for your recommendations. I agree it takes courage to pursue forgiveness. Sadly, my spouse isn't pursuing recovery to the same degree. Its mostly patroning by following my lead. Nonetheless, I need answers for myself and my own personal growth. Therefore I will pursue peace...
what can we do to recognize efforts of change? Obviously change doesn't generally happen overnight, and I've found it's often really hard to recognize efforts at improving behavior for both of us. It's easy to see when the dishes aren't done or notice when you're getting yelled at, but it's much harder to notice and appreciate dishes that you didn't know needed done were done or when they were frustrated but didn't take it out on you. A lot of times the successes are quiet and failures are loud, but I'd much rather focus on the effort and progress than the slip ups amidst that effort.
This was very well said, thank you. I am a person with codependent struggles and I often have a hard time being able to tell whether I’m being too harsh or too enabling; unfortunately, this manifests in a tendency to focus on slip ups rather than small successes when it comes to my partner. I would really appreciate further discussion of the topics you’ve addressed, because I think it needs to be explained, modeled, and normalized for those of us who struggle with it.
What if youre waiting for them to make it right to us or to show remorse and they arent doing that which is making you feel like they dont care enough about your feelings to show you that they want to be better for you? What if youre trying to give them the opportunity to make things right and theyre just trying to act like the betrayal never happened?
I keep getting told throughout my life (child to adult. 31) that i need to learn to forgive bc i hold grudges but i learned recently its not that i hold grudges i just hold ppl accountable and i never forget sk that it cant happen again.
So what is forgiveness? How do you forgive what you cant forget? Im struggling with the concept of forgiveness and how that looks in real life. Does it go something like..." I forgive you for being human, for being blind, for being deceitful, unfaithful, disrespectful, fake and blame-shifting to cover up getting something you wanted more than being honest...but I cant trust someone who has shown me they are capable of cheating.. " Whats the point? I mean thats my reality. How does forgoveness help me cope with that? I can understand letting go. I can understand emotional detachment to guard against backstabbing. But forgiveness? I dont get it...please help!
Not a romantic relationship of course as I'm eternally single... but my issues with forgiveness stem from my family and upbringing... I did know that if I came out as trans to my parents they would 100% not approve so I hid that part for many years but eventually it came out and while still living at home at the time I was kicked out with nowhere to go but my car in October right as cold weather started in. To this day they won't accept it and preach at me every chance they get as devout Christians
@@melmel7011 a lifestyle you can choose, the only choice here is whether one embraces that other side of themselves or not. I will agree however I'm still their child and should be granted the love and care of such or at least as you say "treated as a human"
How to break a circle of mistreatment after a relatinship? I stopped being in contact with the person by blocking their number. Now the only problem I have is how to forgive myself for my part of the mistreament. I've wanted vengeance and out of that I said things which hurt my ex-partner which I think was the goal. I was hurt so I wanted him to feel hurt. Now I just feel bad for not letting go sooner and I hate still having feelings for him, good ones. I am confused and I don't know how to heal from this. But I have a thought that accepting my part of the responsibility and forgiving myself for not being a better person or should I say for not making the right choices is a start.
I broke it off emotionally (still love him and we're still friends, but the feeling's gone) with a fella because he couldn't forgive. I waited several years for this fella to put his life together so we can get married. He has a really awful mom like Mama Rose from Gypsy, and she's a big chip on his shoulder. I occasionally listened to him rant that he's the smart one and always right, and she's wrong. One night I visited with him after attending a beloved teacher's funeral. Instead of a friendly shoulder, I had to listen to another rant about how 'The dumb bitch fucked up the plumbing.' It was late, dark, and I'm sitting on wet grass, holding a gross pipe, feeling small. I realized he wasn't letting go of his mom's crap, and that held-on anger wasn't doing good for me, too. It hurt for almost a year after I broke up with him, but I learned many things from it, including the importance of forgiveness.
I loved how when Jon was acknowledging how he was hurting because he caused Alicia pain, she put her arm around Jon to rub his back and comfort him. I have a friend, "Bill," who is in an abusive marriage, and they have children. I don't know how to help him. I've given him literature and links to organizations that could help him and the kids be safe, but I don't think he'll do anything until the kids leave for college... in 8 years, minimum. I'm afraid "Anna" is going to really hurt them. What else can I do to help Bill and the kids if they live in a different state? Or to help in general. For me, personally? I'm struggling with how to set boundaries. My friend, "Sally," has a medical condition that makes her forget things. She and I recently had a painful "opportunity for growth and learning," which is to say she and I have a verbal altercation where she felt I betrayed her privacy. Then, she threatened me and my family. Really, she just forgot the conversation. Naturally, I forgave her because it's not her fault or mine. But, I feel the... rift that wasn't there before. Sally is one of my best friends, but I don't know how to, what's the word, Deckers? I don't know how to address this rift with Sally so that we can move forward.
No offense, but what if you live in the dynamic where divorce or at least remarriage/moving on isn't an option? In one example you were willing to forgive by it seems like it came after the decision to be willing to divorce and break what I would view as breaking my integrity. How do you move on and forgive when you feel stuck and trapped in a relationship you never wanted but we're basically backed into it with the choice being either get married or be okay with being homeless at least in the immediate future? I didn't want to marry the guy because I didn't trust him in much the same ways you have complained about and common complaints from stay at home spouses.
Your situation is a hard nut, sorry bout that. Have you checked with any institutions (shelters, charities, gov services, etc) for housing or work opportunities?
@@sameaston9587 Yeah. It would still equate to me leaving the kid behind with his dad since he's been the sole breadwinner for the past almost decade (was only staying around for the kiddo's sake and was not sleeping with the guy, because I knew I don't want more children with him we were basically living as if we were moving towards separation), so abandoning my kid for at least the foreseeable future. I did look into at least one shelter in the area. It seemed like the max they would house you was like 2 weeks not even close to being able to secure even a low paying job long enough to get a paycheck and handle first and last month rent let alone any deposits etc. I became distant from my parents because of it. Only sort of moved towards "forgiveness" because one went and had a heart attack and the other died. Like some people's parents hate them and some just rrrreeeeeaaallly hate them.
