The self-righteous narcissist 

Narcissists routinely clip your wings and then act disgusted at you for not being able to fly on your own.

These are the people who insist on doing nice things for you without being asked only so they can hold it against you when you're not meeting their unspoken demands.

I'd much rather be around flawed people, than those who claim to be so moral and righteous any day!!!

The overlap between the self-righteous and the communal narcissist spoke directly to my soul. I remember turning around in my seat at my mother's funeral asking myself 'who are all these people here for?' The church was packed and people were literally standing in the back. It was the people she touched in her communal activities, while my childhood home was cold, carefully controlled, and ruled by fear, but we looked good.

I could never find the right way to describe my husband's actions...this nailed it...I got out and left a week ago.

My mother once CALLED THE POLICE when I left a spoon in the sink. She said she thought the house had been robbed when she came home and it "looked like a tornado came through" One spoon. In the sink.

I have found that people like this have the outward appearance of morality but they tend to have secret sin that nobody knows about. Often worse then the people they judge

This self-righteous narcissist sounds like my narcissistic father who was not particularly grandiose or boastful. But goddamn did he carry an endless reservoir of rage within him that he was ready to unleash onto his family on a daily basis at the drop of a hat. He would explode over the littlest things that most normal, well-adjusted human beings wouldn’t even perceive to be infractions. One time at the dinner table when my siblings and I were in grade school, my sister accidentally knocked over her glass of water. It was a genuine accident that didn’t make much of a mess. Most people would just use a napkin to wipe up the water on the table and not give it a second thought. But my father took it as a personal slight. He suddenly had this rage in his eyes and accused us of not appreciating all the hard work he did for us to put food on the table. He then suddenly stood up and flipped the whole dinner table over, sending all the plates of food on the floor. He then stormed out in a huff (probably to go see his mistress). We then had to clean up the broken dishes and food that had bits of broken glass and ceramic in it and throw it all out. Mistakes of any kind were completely unacceptable in our family. We weren’t allowed to be human. We weren’t allowed to be children. My father expected his adolescent children to behave like mini-adults, always having perfect posture and manners 24/7/365. We didn’t play children’s games or were allowed to have any toys or watch programs other children our age did. Our father told us since we were in early elementary school that we were far too old for that. Past kindergarten, we were too old to watch any cartoons other than Looney Toons with Bugs Bunny. Only Looney Toons was acceptable for us to watch because he considered it mature since he enjoyed Looney Toons as an adult. If anything was good enough for our father to enjoy as an adult, it was good enough for his children when we were adolescents and we better enjoy it as much as he did or else face his wrath. People in our church praised my parents for having such well-behaved children when we really acted like robots all the time. There was absolutely no joy in our lives.

The self righteous narc is master of the back handed compliment.

This is my chilldhood. These were my parents. I was never allowed to have friends over. I was always yelled at for leaving a mug or a bowl in the sink. I couldn't eat after 8 pm. I wasn't allowed to leave my bedroom (only to use the bathroom) after 10 pm. I was convinced I was greedy, lazy, and nasty for years. I still have to be mindful of my self-talk because it sounds an awful lot like the way my parents spoke to me. Thank you for all of this information, Dr. Ramani. I wouldn't have had the strength to go no contact if it weren't for you.

Self righteous father. I'm a failure in: what I eat, how I organize my clothes, HOW I study, music I listen to, how I dress, who I date, the car I drive.... You could tell from my childhood pictures when my cptsd started (around 5 I stopped smiling completely). I could never measure up tho thy f*cking holiness.

My mother was like this. Our house was like living in a museum

Only he’s pretending to the world that he’s such a noble, humble person of integrity! He’s done it for so long, he believes it himself. But jeckyl/Hyde live in the same body

I sometimes think there's something worse in a spouse than cheating. This is it. Coercive control. Definitely worse than infidelity.

Their memory is excellent if it's a negative memory, but CAN NOT remember anything if it would put you in a positive light!

Being raised by a self-righteous narcissit gives you a very uncomfortable relationship with things that are "right" and "wrong" and the world. Trying to come to an understanding on what works for you as a person is such a struggle. Trying to figure out on whether the decisions you make for yourself are good ones or bad ones. Are your decisions for yourself the right ones/the best ones? Are they too self-serving and inconsiderate? Does your ego need to be checked and be more thoughtful of others? How much do you need to consider others when it comes to yourself? When do you stop caring? When do you start caring? Do you just go on with what feels right? What if what feels right is actually harmful to yourself and/or others? Sometimes you come to the conclusion of "well if it's wrong, so what, everything I do is wrong anyway!" "When do I start caring about what works for me?" Or to avoid feeling insecure of any your personal decisions you just do what is "right" cuz it feels safe from criticism. Having to make decisions can be such a haunting task along with committing to anything because what stands before you are always "is this right or wrong"? And by whose standards and what works for you? Doing nothing can often seem like the best answer all the time. I often spend lots of time away from the world and in bed not having to interact with whats right or wrong at all. Or do you throw the whole question out the window and just do what you like? It's a constant pendulum swing and a state of confusion. You can also view the world as a very unfair place as people get what they want in the world by doing the "wrong" things as your constantly plagued with having to make the right or wrong decisions and feeling like your held to have to live by a diffrent standard than others. A standard that doesnt work for you. Its very isolating. Being self-conscious and critical like this are all results of narcissistic abuse by a self-righteous narcistic which I have experienced.

Narcissists' are NEVER wrong in their minds. They could be a serial killer and, to them, every victim deserved it and the narc would feel as if they did the world a favor and should be praised for their acts. If they ever apologize for something, you must read between the tea leaves, because apologies are never authentic and there is always a motive behind them. I figure it's to confuse you and get you to second guess yourself and lower your guard against them.

After 20 years, I had a 100 page rulebook in my head that she built up in me using rage anger, judgement and guilt trips. Every day, every hour, I had rules to follow. Now that I'm leaving, I feel like my brain and my nervous system is finally resting.

There’s also another part of the self righteous is when they march off to church every Sunday and look down their nose at you. It’s a real head shaker 🤨

This just makes me want to bawl my eyes out. 16 yrs. That’s how long I lived like this and I didn’t know what was going on. I only knew I always felt bad, sad…alone, anxious. No one could see. No one really understood and when I left a yr and a half ago, even some of my best friends treated me like a crazy person. I wanted babies but I was told I needed to pay off my student loans first. I was told to eat more vegetables and to go to the gym. If I went back for a cookie after dinner he would look at me seriously and say…. “are you still hungry?” I truly in my heart believed that the only way to be a good and successful person was to do what he thought was best…. I’m still struggling everyday to remind myself that a life like that is not okay. But he taught me and I didn’t know any better…

This is very similar to the covert narcissist. They always end up as the victim because it’s always someone else’s fault that the narcissists life isn’t the way they want it.

The idea of self-righteous seems somewhat akin to covert. I've lived with one of these for much of my life, and the perfectionism and judgmentalism is enough to drive anyone around the bend. You'll hear endless bashing of all kinds of people (including family members) because they don't measure up to the narcissist's lofty standards of ethics and conduct. There comes a point where you hear what they're saying, but you no longer listen. Effectively it's like putting your hands over your ears without physically doing so.

Totally my father, not in the extreme, but 80% for sure! It took me a felt eternity to see his narcissism. Everything had to be tidy, the house of my parents still looks like a museum. A shared friend of my mother and me said once: "I don't even like to eat there because everything is so clean." Can't remember, we (my brother and I) danced joyfully around and squeaked of joy. It was always "hush, hush, your father / grandfather needs silence." We got scorn when we ate messy, my mother is a crazy cleaner and cook, very similar to the story told with the kid. So no problem for my father when someone has to be invited. His moral self-righteousness is that he helped his father and mother so much. Everything is compared to it and naturally, nobody comes close to him. He is still doing so much for his mother and lives on the same land, he says. My brother is "successful" which means he is a boss, has a family and so on, but because I never wanted to find my place in that kind of society, he often told me how bad he felt, with an ashamed voice and that he didn't know what to tell his friends about me. As a child, he often told me that he hoped we would eventually pay him back for the money he invested in us. There are countless stories! After I started to set strict boundaries, the relationship with him and my grandmother (communal narcissist) ended pretty fast. I just broke up with them a year ago and feel better than ever. Like you said, now I deal with the ones that supported them, which is my mother and brother, both trying to bring "us" together again. So that they can tell the story of "superior whole family" again.

Wow. I was raised by one of these and I had no words to explain it until now. My home had a "no touching the windows or the walls" rule. A literally RULE. No playdough allowed. No laughter or fun or spontaneity. Strict and moralistic. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

So I spent five years with atypical self-righteous narcissist. He hated people so much! He also was failure-at-launch so he was staying home and playing games whole day every day and telling me that he can't work because other people are awful. He was silently coercive, so when I was not doing what he wanted, he was very evil to me. His silent treatment was the hardest. He wasn't really silent, he was just very cold towards me. He also hated celebration of any kind because he had to "behave", especially when it was celebration of anyone in my family. Thinking back I am not sure how I survived and I am very grateful this horror is over.

This is my family on Mom and Dads sides. They never notice their own mistake. Their mistakes are reasonable and should be forgiven but not anyone else's. Dr. Ramani these are truly the most toxic. They are. They make your life hell if you stay.

I grew up with 2 self-righteous narcissists. My parents were devout catholics, both served in the church, taught CCD, were lay-people, serving bread and wine on the alter. They would talk terrible about others. My friends whose parents were divorced were all "emotionally disturbed" according to them. They believed and preached how we were blessed that they stayed together. My parents were both virgins when they married. On the outside, it appeared that our family was perfect. They would try to emulate others who were more "perfect" than us. You could actually feel an undercurrent of jealousy when we were around people like that. There was absolutely no love in our home. I never felt loved by either of my parents. The only people who loved me were my grandparents, aunts and uncles, but we always lived far from them. It was a horrible, disturbing way to live, always walking on eggshells in fear that I would step out of the perfect world that they created. When I did, I was harshly judged, physically and emotionally abused. But from the outside looking in, it appeared that everything was picture perfect. I hated feeling this way. I am still recovering from this rigid lifestyle. My dad has passed, my mom is still alive, but I have detached from her. I will not call her, and am not planning to go visit her anytime soon. I love her for giving me life, but I cannot expose myself to her toxicity.

This is my mother. I felt she was a vulnerable narcissist but after watching this I can definitely put her in the category of the self-righteous narcissist without a doubt. Judgemental is an understatement, emotionally neglectful, controlling and cold etc. These are all the things I deal with and yet nobody sees it….

The self-righteous narcs (like my mother) can excuse their own less than saintly behavior, but make a point of showing others how horrible or godless they are. Also raised me in a military style rigidity. Awoke each morning refusing to be satisfied. Showed no warmth and kindness was conditional. I was terrified of her. She knew it. She enjoyed it.

This was my mother. She was a victim whenever we did things that normal kids do, like spill or make a mess. She would check to make sure our underwear was folded in our drawers to her satisfaction and we couldn’t ever have a mess or more than one toy out at a time and everything was controlled. If we ever made a mistake it was because we were jerks and being mean to her, even though they would be normal kid things. She still can’t handle that I don’t conform to what she wants and I can’t be in their life because I have chosen something different for myself (religion). I called to tell her when I was pregnant with my first child and she told me it’s my fault she can’t be involved in my life. It’s this video exactly. Heaven forbid an accident happened, like spilling a drink at dinner time. She would rage and rant about how awful we were and it literally was an accident. One time she loaded the fridge so tightly and didn’t warn anyone that it was full. I opened the door to innocently get a drink of water and a plate fell down and broke. She acted like I murdered a family member. It was just an accident, but she acted like I plotted to do it on purpose.

My father was an architect, it sounds like you knew him. Life with him was very stressful, to say the least. And my mother was so busy catering to him that we were an afterthought. Appearances were more important than reality. I'm glad it's over.

This is my family of origin! My dad was a hybrid of neglectful and self-righteous narc! One of his brothers was a hard core self-righteous narc. He was such an unusual character. He was always extremely well organized, wanted everything done in a particular way and became very upset if something was done slightly different. Very judgemental, dogmatic, dismissive, frugal, rigid and austere. He had two sons and turned them against each other. One of them was his golden boy and the other the black sheep who grew up to become another narc with psychopathic tendencies.

This is my life with my narc husband. He is “special” and says I therefore can’t understand his ethics, spirituality, rules or anything about him. He treats me with contempt. But to the outside world he shows a “perfect” husband or father or homeowner. He’s never gained a pound in his life - he’s 70 now- and is I affectionate and withholds money. He will never cheat so I have no hope he will leave me for another woman. He told me he will be married to me for the rest of my life. For years I thought I’d have to end my life to get away from him. But as soon as my kids graduate from high school I’m outta here. 18 years of this nightmare!!!

You described my life! I experienced that with my soon to be ex! It‘s horrible being married to a self righteous narcissist. I just moved out of our big mansion with two of our kids. My son wants to live with his dad. I tell my son and others, it is not worth it. It looks fabulous on thei outside but on the inside we were being terrorized by my husband almost daily. If you made it this far in my comments. Please do not let yourself be controlled by things, there is nothing like your piece of mind!

I never knew I needed this video. You literally describe the narcissist I know in details. And “feeling like a scolded 10yo” is such a perfect sensation of how I feel around that person! Great informative video as always, Doc!

My water broke while I was ironing in my first pregnancy. Naturally, I was afraid to move before my husband could get home and take me to the hospital. MIL came to ‘help.’ She was outraged that my ironing wasn’t done and the underwear in my drawer wasn’t folded. For decades I tried to attain her standards and never could.

We can encounter the 'self-righteous' narcissist quite a bit in everyday life, Dr Ramani. You are looking lovely this evening.

This is my ex-partner (who still has not moved out of my house, another story). I’ve been called a slob for not putting things away and then they do the same thing. I’ve been screamed at for things like a rug being out of place. They are always talking about the things other people do, and how they are losers basically. We haven’t had a TV in years. I recently subscribed to some streaming services because I’m finally starting to do what I want and not care what they think. Actually, this is almost how I got completely gaslighted into thinking I was very mentally ill, because their routine is so perfect that if I’m depressed and don’t get out of bed there must be something really wrong with me, as one example. I could go on and on but I’m finally starting to find the words to talk about it, even though I’m still in the fight of my life to get them to move out. It’s also interesting that you said they can’t be bothered with holidays, birthdays or other such occasions.. my small victory this year was getting a Christmas tree for the first time ever and not letting them make me feel silly for it.

I grew up as a sheltered only child with my mother who is a self-righteous narcissist. It was so isolating. For me to complain about my treatment I was then so ungrateful and then to share with others about it she was always deemed just being a good parent and wanting the best for me. Everything I did thought and felt was incorrect or needed correcting. I would always hear "I'm your mother I'm supposed to tell you right from wrong" or "every child doesn't agree with their parents". Surprisingly or maybe not, she was a lawyer for discrimination and you would think in the household she'd be the fairest considerate person there is which was not the case. I had no encouragement, support or nourishment in cultivating a self-identity because I was a shadow of her life style, wants and needs. I grew up so miserable to the point where I just didn't know why I existed if my life was just all about her. I still struggle with that constant thought and feeling of why do I exist and Why am I here? It's so hard to enjoy anything about life when it feels like everything about yourself is wrong or/and everything about the world is wrong.

This explains my childhood. I grew up in an extremely cold, manipulative, toxic and harsh upbringing. I was consistently yelled at in huge rages on daily basis, bullied, treated with no love or basic respect, felt never good enough. My peace was always disturbed. I didn’t know peace or happiness. I received raging outbursts for not having my room in a particular way eg. sometimes I’d come back from school/ work to find my entire room would be torn up and everything thrown on the floor and I was yelled at in an downgrading rage until I tidied it all up to their liking. I became a people pleaser and became emotionally exhausted and drained. Growing up like this was like living in hell on earth. It was extremely confusing for me as a kid & growing up as I became very lost in understanding what receiving basic respect felt like.. And as I never lived without narcissistic behavior- it was hard for me to recognize that it was Never okay to grow up in that environment. As an adult the thing that helped was cutting off efficiently and completely (including home) without attaching myself to guilt/anger - not allowing the narcissist to control the narrative.

O.M.G.... This was my partner (recently separated). He was a self-righteous know it all, mocking others for being/thinking differently. He did live precisely engineered life that was controlling, suffocating and a fun police. He was rigid, black and white, and expected me to accommodate this.

Ooof. This describes so many of the small town Mormons I grew up with. I developed an intense, compulsive religiosity as a result. It’s been quite the journey to ease up on myself.

I can relate to a lot of this because I was raised in a very highly moral, controlling Italian family that was strict. Everything was for show. I was dragged around to old peoples houses because it was expected even though I didn’t know or barely knew them. I missed out on a lot of normal experiences as a kid and teen. I’ve made poor choices in friendships and relationships as an adult because what was modeled and ingrained in me was what I am trying to undo at 48. Reparenting oneself is really really hard.

You have PERFECTLY described my husband. He is, I believe (after much research) a self-righteous passive agressive covert/vulnerable narcissist with ocd tendencies. 2 days ago he came home from work, became furious within 15 minutes because our young kids had knocked some baubles off the Xmas tree, walked into our daughters bedroom, was incensed that there was a pile of clothes on the floor, so in a rage he punched a hole in her bedroom wall. Within a couple of hours, he gad gone to the DIY store, bought stuff to cover up the whole, and when his parents come for Xmas this week they would never even know what happened. There's not much point in me telling them either, because they are husband flying monkeys, and apparently I'm the awful wife who makes his life a misery because I dare to stand up to him and refuse to be bullied and belittled, no, I'm not going to live my life on eggshells, I'm not going to cower in fear. He hates that I am a strong woman, he hates that I earn all the money and pay all the bills, that I have no need for him.

The way they complain and get all worked up about other peoples short comings has me seeing just how broken they truly are. I am learning to gray rock. but sometimes i have to to say to them " no one is perfect" to bring a realistic view of others and themselves into focus. It don't last long till they are on to the next put down.

That sounds sickeningly like my ex-husband's mom. I overheard her questioning my 5 year old son about snakes when he'd told her how interested he was in them. He knew the answers to every question, so she kept raising the stakes. She finally got up to college level biology and found something he didn't know about snakes. She then gave a smug smile and pointed out to him that no, he was wrong and needed to study harder - and that was the end of the questioning. Her contact with him was limited and supervised from that point on!

"Pillar of the community", do-gooder extraordinaire, and SOOOOOOO religious! Everybody loves him and people say, "Aren't you so glad God gave you such a fantastic, Christian husband?" NOBODY would believe me that no, my marriage is a marriage from hell, not heaven!

Thank you so much for this video. It completely summarizes the last 5 years for me. Unfortunately, I married a self-righteous narcissist and only recently discovered this was the reason I felt so alone and on edge. In the beginning, I was impressed by his responsibility, financial success, interest in fixing things for me, and moral standards. Recently, my children from a previous marriage (narc is their step-father) were raged at and judged. I was constantly feeling held hostage to my husband’s monologues and lectures about his vast knowledge of spiritual principles. He would criticize everyone and everything I loved, insert his opinions and tell me what to do constantly, and had a simmering rage just below the surface. His house was impeccable and he insisted we live in separate homes because he just couldn’t handle the messiness (physically and emotionally) of my children. I am now realizing he probably cannot live with anyone due to his perfectionist rigidity. If I didn’t make the bed perfectly or fold the blanket on the couch perfectly as soon as I got up, it was passively aggressively called to my attention. He had the same dinner every night and worked out religiously every morning. We have been separated for a month and now that I have this information, I am coming to terms with the fact that it will never change. I hope one day I can completely heal from this experience and stop blaming myself for marrying this man. Many of these characteristics got worse over time. Finally, I have an explanation for what I and my children have been through. I am working hard to protect all of us from any more abuse. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

Ok, NOW you're describing what I deal with. 🤦‍♀️

Exactly! Something was wrong with everything. I was literally raised as a "Stepford child". And yes, we looked like the perfect family to the outside.

basically my father! Rigid, hostile, disdainful, one-dimensional, no scope for revising beliefs, always right. No point in discussion with this type

THIS! This is what I'm stuck living my life with 😔😢

Literally my family, my mother and my grandmother, both mixed with the vulnerable type, while my grandfather is mixed with the grandiose type. Fun, spontaneity, vulnerability and many other emotions have never been an option under their roof.

Oh wow. This is my father. My mother was a different type (with more communal and grandiose narcissist features), but...yeah. This explains some things--not just about some of the problems I still have now, but also why his pattern of physical abuse was so rare (but so vicious--it was punitive, and from his perspective equivalent to the "offense") and why he was SO eager to label every single mistake as "lazy", "stupid", etc. I remember one specific incident--I'd asked him to go with me to a neurology appointment, because it can be helpful to have someone else present to advocate for you or just remember what the doctor says. The neurologist spent less than two minutes with me, and as the neurologist walked out, my father looked at me and said (in one of the most vicious tones of voice I've ever heard) that my problem was that I "just need to lose weight". I mean, I have a malformed L1 vertebrae which causes all sorts of neurological and other physical issues--which my father knew (because I had to SHOW him my x-rays before he'd even believe I had it). So it's NOT like ALL my health issues come from being overweight. He's also a retired biology professor, so he HAS the knowledge base to KNOW that. Also: that need to prove I wasn't "in the wrong", which I just demonstrated in the previous paragraph, is a huge part of the legacy that self-righteous narcissists leave behind as parents, I think. Both of my parents, but my father in particular, were very likely to "prove" that they and their behavior is "right", "correct", "moral"--and that means that adults parented with that type of dynamic feel frantic to PROVE they weren't "bad", "wrong", "immoral" during a conflict or when someone else disagrees with them. Like, we do it because we're desperate to avoid the punishments that were then inflicted on us "for our own good" (to "correct" our "bad" behavior). And we get perfectionist and defensive and highly-anxiety prone about anything where we might make the mistakes that were miscued as "bad" behavior by the toxic family system a self-righteous narcissist generates. Like, SO MUCH of my anxiety and just sheer panic swirls around the possibility I might make a mistake that will then have other people label me as BAD. I didn't allow myself to express anger (or almost any emotions) for years as an adult--because anger was BAD (if it was coming from me, but you know, anger is totes ok because it's just healthy self-expression if it was my mother screaming and throwing things at me that then caused physical injury).

I was raised in this. My mother couldn’t say anything nice about anyone without a but, it’s such a shame... fill in the blank with derogatory snippets. I hated it.

The couple you described in this video is my parents. Growing up was cold, lonely, felt unloved. No one ever empathized since we appeared to have it all. My poor Mom endured him for 65 years. I am now 61, Mom recently died and I lived w/my Dad for 5 months, it was miserable. No one could see the reality of him, even the Pastor was so supporting of him. Since Dad was so financially successful, people would rather pretend he is decent which is how he portrays himself.

I had a friend who is now in her fifities but her family never stops bringing up the time when she was 9 and tried to make a marinara sauce but mistook tablespoons for teaspoon and wildly over spiced the sauce. Even though it was 40 years her mother brings it up because it "Speaks to your intelligence and judgement"

I am so glad you are doing a video on Self-Righteous Narcassist, because my Father is one. I have said this to my Aunt, my Dad's sister and she would say he's Self-Righteous but not a Narcassist. Growing up with my Dad was hell, so now I Gray Rock and my Mom doesn't get it because she's been Codependent for so long.

Oh my!!! Nailed my ex!!! All of it!! Cruel morality to the routines, the tightness, rigidity, order, it was military at home with me and our kids…again, described Him….food habits, phases, always Hus being the Right ones…. All of it described here!!!

YES, he's always putting people down because we don't want to fast for 7 days like he always does. Everyone is weak and has no discipline. People won't get anywhere in life because they're cowards. The harm is wanting approval from these people. I know intellectually this is not ok. I shouldn't want approval from someone so rigid, but it's more of a feeling then a thought process. Could you speak to wanting approval from a narcissist, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for your work!

This one sounds like the ex narc. It’s so painful the destruction they leave behind. Yet everyone thinks they are so nice.

Perfect description of my cousin, who I was forced to spend too much time with as I grew up. When I had 2 young children we were invited for a meal. You barely dared breathe in their house, but she sat my 2 boys at a small coffee table to eat because there were only chairs for the 4 adults at the dining table. The inevitable happened and the boys upended their tiny table, causing plates and food to tumble onto the vinyl floor. Cousin and husband cleaned it all up fit to make any hospital green with envy, and told us that they would have to pull the fridge out to wash under that before being able to go to bed. The fridge was miles away! At the time I was wracked with guilt. Now, I'd have thought 'yeah, you do that, morons!' I suffered them far too long in my life before having the courage to give them the boot. So much mistreatment, ridicule, snarky guilt trips, superiority and the list goes on...

🎯thank you🙏sneering, living on a glacier mountain top, one non-perfect move/tone/gift/non-action gets you painted with mud & thrown over the edge. Or if you show them up with your warmth/kindness/humanity the revenge is a coming! Like a real life game of Cluedo, don't lounge near the candlestick... When I put the feelers out for help "oh but you'll have a privileged upbringing for the little ones" no thanks, we'd rather have our souls, we left it all. Momma power!

This is my mother to a tee. Busy with her prayer meetings, Carmelite meetings, going to mass; treating everyone outside the family beautifully. But her husband, children, daughter-in-law and grandchildren like absolute garbage. No one believes it, and that is the most painful part.

Some of this would explain some of my childhood and lingering affects I've dealt with into adulthood. Apparently I was paranoid about getting in trouble so much I would clean my sister's room so we wouldn't be yelled at. Having things brought up from years or even decades before has always been devastating. It's also upsetting having a parent talk down about the others extended family, warranted or not.

This is a description of my 93 year old stepmom. Because she’s German, people often just just blow off her narcissistic behaviors as her culture, orderly etc. But your episode today describes the toxic, misaligned attentions to things, and ideas about how one must be, to be OK.

THIS!!! This was my childhood and I’ve never had a name for it before! It set me up to marry a narcissist who started out as a “soft narcissist” but over time, due to the religious repression of his sexuality, became more and more self righteous and controlling. Absolutely lovely (but distant) to everyone but me. Trying to finally heal after over 50 years.

My narcissistic mother is an ordained minister. People don't get what we went through. To the outside world, we lived a charmed life. We all had braces and played musical instruments but weren't given lunch money for school. My mother has actually said other ministers don't know how to act around her bc of her "anointing". 🙄 Been no contact for over 2 years.

I suspect the moral high ground that they love to take is born out of their shame, especially the skeletons in their closets

God you described my fathers house.I actually suffered PTSD visiting his house. Love the description bad vibe of the house, he would hold court as well .I was told I wasn't working hard enough.He held Xmas two weeks early every year for us so he could go on holidays without family LOL.He was a total narcissist, he left a trail of damage in the family with most siblings turning into narcs

I can’t believe this. This is my ex, word for word. We split a few weeks ago and I went no contact last week, these videos have helped me grieve and start my healing process ❤️ thank you so much.

Oh. My. Goodness! This describes my ex perfectly! Everything was about working harder , maximizing effort, time, energy; efficiency whether driving somewhere, shopping or pulling food out of the pantry; and him being perceived as knowing something about everything.

I know your heart goes out to the Mother but my heart goes out to that little boy growing up in those conditions. You went there, and then you got to leave, you didn't like it and YOU got to leave and that boy, would be as you describe, is treading on egg shells around his Father and Mother. Now, my Mom is exactly the same. I've been shouting at the screen the whole time saying "yes! Yes! Oh my god! Oh my God. Yep. Yep. My mom is like this." I've even forwarded it to my husband who is saying this is EXACTLY like my Mother and it makes sense why I do have certain traits myself like my mother that have been passed down like my fridge magnets have to be organised a certain way. I always notice changes if Mom's been in my house a picture moved from its rightful spot. Mom moving my table off centre because to her it looks better. Mom taking off a ribbon to some flowers she's taken off because it didn't go with the room and as well as she's also vacuumed my house something I was going to do because Id let slip in conversation my mates were coming over and this continues on, as she's becoming a pest not a helper. I am the child who's been criticised, who she's been on my back since day one. You should watch young Sheldon Cooper I see a lot if myself in him but they've come down tougher on me so by the time they had my sister they were no way near as strict. The only time I remember Mom doing anything with her to stop her behaviour was shoving a bar of soap down her mouth because she wouldn't stop swearing. I didn't like it, she was crying... These days it's probably concidered child abuse but we grew up in the 80s and 90s where parents did hit and spank their kids. I mean, I remember watching television and Dad came around the corner to lamp me one. I remember crying and Mom shouting at me you come when I call you but I didn't hear her and I did suffer a lot with ear infections - she says she felt so guilty afterwards and although I never said anything to her I thought good, I hope you feel terrible because I knew I didn't deserve that because I was good. I followed rules because there were rules and timetables in our house growing up but she's not like the man you described to a T. She has those traits, she is a controller but not as amped up as that although one year I heard her say that f word and watched her storm out of the house whilst it was snowing. I looked out of my window thinking oh the mad woman what the hell's she thinking? But she would work herself up. A common thing I heard was Christmas is canceled next year! And I wanted to see as a child to see if she'd stick to her word. It was never cancelled but her levels of stress were skyrocketing every year. I'd think, oh just leave her to it and then she'd start getting mad because no one's helping!!! I often reffered to her as the headless chicken squarking trying to find its head but you are right there is that menace under her friendly demeanour when she says certain things to me, (not to other people) they do think of her as a friendly put together woman and she comes across well in social settings but as you put it perfectly there is that rage simmering below the surface the self righteous rage and when she found out I had a tattoo I was properly shamed, devalued telling me it's awful. She doesn't like it if other people in hospitals I've been to have said they like it. Yeah, I do feel like I'm a scolded 10 year old child and I'm in my 30's! My food I eat, isn't healthy enough and diabetics is on the increase. My interests are too deep and get my head out of those books (psychology books) and into the real world. I don't work hard enough as much as she does and get mocked because she is up at the crack of dawn and I do like to lie in - it's a choice, sure. Sometimes I have said out of exasperation. Yeah, do you want a gold star? Or that's what you do, I do things this way but to her my way is never good enough signalling to me I'm never good enough. I've had to do my own self worth to know I am good enough and I actually like myself because if I listened to her, really listened, I'd have no self confidence, be very insecure and try covering up my bottom because to her that's my unattractive asset because I sooo dread going clothes shopping with her. She'll sit in the changing room and watch me undressing and in front of her I do feel self conscious then! And she'll come back with bigger sizes to the point where I'm starting to get depressed especially if it's something she's paying for. She will control everything about me if I let her. I don't tell her my struggles because in arguments things get brought up in a very mean, nasty manipulated way and then she tells me amongst other people within our company I either think I know it all, or she won't ask for help so in many, many ways there is no winning or talking to her. If I bring up a situation where I'm hurt even by something my sister has said, she'll take her side and tell me I'm too sensitive - again, hence why I don't ask for help. I've been in tears because I will never get their support within the family home. If anyone tried to do that to me they'd all wipe the floor with that person so at times how they feel they have the right to do certain things to me is beyond me. Kindness, compassion and empathy to my feelings if they've hurt me is non existant, but if they feel slighted, even my sister they kick off. They're better fighters, better dominaters - bullies. If I fart (not so much burping) it happens. MOM looks at me with so much contempt it's unreal. Yeah, and she never thinks amongst my sister and Dad that there's anything wrong with them. Sometimes my sister will support me it depends what kind of mood she's in. Oh yeah, any of my mistakes they hold over me, even ones I've apologised for and I don't understand why they can't let it go because I was obviously punished at the time. I'm not saying I'm a perfect child, but I've felt the need to be and a voice in my head says don't let them in and see the real person because they wouldn't like it. The song let it go from Frozen comes to mind be the good girl you aways have to be. Oh yeah Mom and sister are like martyrs, how hard they work and do stuff compared to me and that victim side gets brought out. So, even I've I've been hurt by something they act like the victim trying to either portray me as the bad guy or someone who just doesn't understand - that's why I constantly feel they think I'm stupid. If I bring it up, they swing it around like you were wonderful at English and French at schools and being a cashier is hard work because they don't understand computers and suddenly, like word salad the conversation gets changed around!!! I'd love to talk to you. I'd love to be in therapy with you because this is and still is my life

Luke 18:9-14 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ ...(You are awesome Dr. Ramani)!! Merry Christmas.

This is him. Nailed it. It was never enough. I was never enough. The kids weren’t enough. This. He was the siphon of fun, sucked fun out of the room as soon as he walked in. He held everyone else to a higher standard that didn’t apply to himself. And he knew it too, admitted to it. Things I don’t miss at all.

This describes my own brother, and his communal do gooder "artist" wife. Both caught up in very rigid sterile lifestyles that command them. Meanwhile putting down others 100% of the time. No contact, it has been 1 yr. Couldn't figure it out. Thank you! Their perfect perfect house sucked out all of my energy. Now I know why he is on his 2nd marriage.

That was my mother either severely scolded, controlled, or neglected. It was SO hard. She spoke of morals but ignored a lot of those rules herself.

I've experienced this with family members and ex's. They seemed to have strong opinions about how I maintain my physical appearance, staying thin, wearing feminine clothes and make up... What I want/need to do with my time... I felt like I had to fight just to be accepted as a person, and not seen as a toy to make others feel better about themselves

😨😳😳😳😳 Omg This is my mom!!! I’m that kid! Exactly as she describes! And the rest of the family and others .. literally felt bad for me!! 😭 They felt sad and bad but no one could rescue me ! My mother would claim she can’t see well but she would spot a hair of mine from a MILE! She only reaches out when she needs me to do something! I often have felt used by her not loved… She used to call me her “little companion” as a kid .. and I always felt like her puppy who was no longer cute to her as I grew up and had a voice This is so sad I wish I could afford you as a therapist 😔 🌹 I’m an adult now; people say I’m so loving and generous and kind .. how can I have been raised but such … But now, tend to isolate, I can’t hold relationships, 😔

Thank you! I just cut off from my dad a couple weeks ago, and I feel like this describes him well. His response was structured like a work email, like he was accepting my resignation.

I grew up under this type of Narcissism as my mother is this way in a religious sense. My younger sister also picked up this way of being as well and is very toxic. My older sister and I suffered as young adults due to being written off and deemed failures in multiple ways. You really brought this home for me and I'm so grateful for your content Dr Ramani! It's helped make sense of what a lot of what my elder sister and myself have been through. And how to heal from and navigate through these relationships.

Rigid people who will always miss one of the most crucial part of life that makes us humans- mistakes.

Its perfectly described in the movie with Julia Roberts “Sleeping with the enemy”.

Our marriage therapist thinks that I should be grateful because my husband graduated from Harvard & has a great income. Yet, you just described my marriage & my pain & how my kids walk on eggshells 😢

Wow! I'm not even three minutes into this video and I think you are talking about my ex narcissist who is a self-righteous, self pontificating moral espousing snake in the grass! This is a person who committed adultery and cheated on me during my marriage to her who now preaches moral chastity! WOW! INCREDIBLE! 😱

It's interesting because I am dealing with a self righteous narcissist who looks down on everybody else and feels as though the way he does things are the best way to do things and yet he is lacking in many morals and a moral compass he has a past criminal history. So it's really funny to see you describe somebody who is very self righteous and yet doesn't even have a moral compass

Travelling with this type of narcissistic person is a nightmare

Wow!!!!! I knew I was dealing with a narcissist but something was missing. You nailed it, it’s definitely a cold and halo feeling. I was 20 when I meet him, off and on. Now I’m 37 and I feel alone, heartbroken and unable to trust. He’s still in my life and it’s become so toxic it’s very sad that we can’t go on a full season without a breakup. The giving and pulling, the highs and lows, it’s a dark place and very sad. I would like love myself and find myself again

Omw I feel like crying...finally finally found the correct combination he is...communal self righteous narcissist. The other types were just not clicking. Makes so much sense now. Thank you, thank you! I'm learning and empowering myself every day little by little through your videos. Thank you so much!

This is who I lived with. She's a therapist (a good one), on top of it. Because she gets constant admiration and control. Would never cheat but judges all people and sees themselves as better. "I should rule the world." One day I realized she was being serious.

10:04 Oh my gosh Dr Ramani. "We're tidy eaters arent we". Reminds me how whenever I took my sons to visit mum and dad, mum was mess accepting but father would bend down inches away from my sons each time, picking up their littlest crumbs, saying "we'll keep it respectable and tidy shall we". This video is such a good reminder of all their sub traits as well as their more commonly known/talked about traits.

Well done for mentioning that children brought up that way tend to develop OCD behaviours. Well done also for mentioning how ‘clinical’ and ‘surgical’ sex with such people can be. Loved the reference to the Stepford Wives too!

"Everyone should have children so they aren't so selfish." I was told this as a young teen. Therefore, I am selfish & vain if I don't have kids.

Really, why tf did it take 44 years and leaving my country for me to understand what was really happening in that house?? I now know my mother is a covert narcissist, my father is a neglectful narcissist, and my brother is a self-righteous narcissist. Good thing my brother and I are not in talking terms at all, but my son still has to endure my mom and dad until he comes here with me. I remember when I was a child and heard other children telling stories about their siblings covering up for them or teaming up with them to break one of their parents' rules I always felt sad. I always felt like I had 3 parents instead of two parents and a brother. This is only an example, of course, it wasn't even the worst part. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!!

Its me!😮 Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you that now I can see.I couldnt see myself.was always rejected.now I understand why.I was an asshole.everything make sense now.its the most courageous thing I ve ever done.looking at myself.ouch.... But thank you🎉im a narc in recovery from narcissism❤

Through the years I have worked through escaping my narcissistic mother. I have considered myself solely a victim of narcissistic abuse, only to find that I am now a different kind of narcissist who only shows my ugly side to my partner. When I came across this type of narcissism it frightened me. It saddens me to hear this video. But it's time to turn this around. These are the kind of thought processes and language that I grew up around with my mother, and it's a cycle that I need to break. It's time to move forward from the way I was taught to think by my abuser.

That's a weird story about the wife quickly cleaning up with girl's meal and then the husband coming in and saying to his daughter, "We're a tidy eater, aren't we?". It's like shaming a little kid into not being messy, which doesn't seem realistic because when I think back to my childhood and there are photos of me as a baby having some sort of tomato sauce or something all over my face, it's just something kids do. It's sad that narcissists have to make kids feel bad about a human thing like eating. That's also scary how the little boy described only being allowed to play with one toy at a time. It sounds like something out of a horror movie.

Nailed it. Critical Indifference is their weapon. Easy to use when you're perfect😉

Wowww when did you meet my dad? No but seriously, my dad used to call people fat within their earshot and then when you called out that behavior, he would say 'I just want them to be HEALTHY. is that so bad??'. He was big into diet and exercise superiority, and even called one of our babysitters, a 19 year-old girl, fat. He never apologized, he doubled-down, he keeps calling strangers fat. My brother and I both went through disordered eating periods that he highly encouraged. This video really hit the nail on the head, it feels extremely good to finally see this kind of behavior called out.

This was my father. Career army officer who sat his family down and told us all including my mother that he made the money and therefore he made every and all d visions. We were not to make a move without his approval . This actually came out of his mouth. He provide for us and in gratitude we owed him our complete submission . I married the opposite type of narcissist . The more malignant nefarious kind. Not sure which is worse on your mental and emotional well being. At least my father did provide financially for us but I can't imagine how hard it was to be my mother.