Letting it go is what I did and just working on myself. It gets better with time bc you no longer start to think about them. What’s crazy is last week my ex shows up at my door and has been blowing up my phone. Protect your heart and don’t make the same mistakes
I also feel like avoidants can be very selfish because they pretty much only think of their needs/wants a majority of the time (at least my experience) not just anxious. I was very accommodating to my partners needs for the first year and I was getting tired of my needs going invalidated.
I have to say that you two are so comforting during this difficult time. Craig feels like a wise older brother, and Margaret feels like a gentle, yet rock-solid grandma.
I agree and for secure people it comes naturally. But with insecure attachment styles, unless BOTH people have awareness and both people are committed to growth, time and space won't be enough to save the relationship.
I want, what i need, from someone who can't give it to me...it's true...pay attention...please.. Learn the attachment styles...it will come to you! It will release you from heartache. The sooner you learn this the better you will be. Do not wait to contact coach Craig...he knows what he is talking about.... Much love to Margaret too! ..
you two are great. really. thank you for always giving me comfort. i'm in no contact. giving him his space. but it's still not getting easier. i am working on myself. doing this with friends. working out. and trying to keep busy. but he's always on my mind. i am trying to be positive...
im not afraid of not finding someone else...im afraid of not having that profound LOVE "the one" again..its a Rare connection. It only comes maybe twice in your life..
That is so True, it is becoming incredibly hard to find a heart connection in this age of Social Media, because there is to much availability of people for people At touch of your finger to your phone, you know, swipe right, swipe left. If someone just wants to have fun and play that's easy these days But almost impossible to find a true heart connection
you described exactly my situation, i m anxious and really attracted to avoidants and visa versa. my ex is avoidant and we had a really intense relationship. i have gained so much insight thankful to your channel. i wish i knew all this stuff 2 months ago i wouldnt have made such mistakes
I wish I would have watched this when my ex became distant..... he broke up with me a month ago after a short relationship and I’m doing all I can through no contact to win him back as well as myself..... it’s been tough.....
Been four months plus no contact.... Im still heartbroken while working on myself trying to be positive/hopeful. 3 years long distance and pandemic amplified the obstacles. I didn't bombard or look at his social media. Nothing at all.... Dying each day inside cried till I'm dry ...... I want him back. I feel like quitting everything.
The fundamental problem with giving space to is avoidant is they'll take it, they'll take all of it, until its been weeks since you've heard a thing from them. And when you confront them anxious, even if you're intrincally secure, and they'll feel smoothered about it. I do believe secure people need security too, and its easy for avoidants to lose touch on how much space to take.
AaronMetallion how much space do you give him ? Get a space ship he’ll wonders what you doing playing the game with you and you can’t wait to see him again and again he will get you back to his game soon you will get it back again and again play him at his own game please give it a try wen you give them rope and he’ll end up getting tired up and you will know if he’s worthy of ya love
AaronMetallion I can’t get hold of space a week is the last night Friday night coming to my woman at that time a week is enough for you and him to get a little bit of time to get space and then you get a good time on the Friday night maybe make him Work fr it yr attention to the other people who are so happy they got to get a chance of ya self help out here soon as you can get it back from him and you will win he’ll be like wat is up with her ? She wants me to come to her? No you’re ready out !!!
My avoidant took almost two weeks of ghosting before I realised I could not make her happy, so I called her up, listened to her story, then ended it, to give her space and freedom. She said "You're worth fighting for", but she wouldn't step into the ring. I feel she loved the type of secure man I am, but wasn't committed to me, even though she said she loved me more than any other man ever. 7 months later she writes a letter (the most avoidant way) wanting to be long distance friends (the most avoidant relationship). She's too old to learn new tricks. I've learned a lesson and I'm moving on.
I agree. My ex said she needed some time after the breakup. Well how much time because I don't plan on sitting here waiting for too damn long. My life is important too.
Trouble is, people with limited dating experience don't understand *how* to diagnose in a supportive therapeutic manner. In my case, I only understood by intuition that she needed space and suggested she take some, which she refused saying everything was well and good. Overnight, 12hrs later, her anxiety and avoidant tendencies took over and she refused to discuss anything for almost two weeks, before I called. She took it upon herself to cancel our preplanned flight and simply disregarded, without word, our agreed preset plan to gently handle relationship issues, like this. She bottled up and refused help. Reluctantly, I let her go find her future alone. Later, she wrote me a letter saying she was very sorry and that she made a lot of mistakes by breaking our trust. Interestingly, she didn't directly ask to get together again. Could their be someone from her past, yes, but I don't know that for certain.
@@josephgomez2249 If you were talking to me, then, not another single word from her on any front. Its been 8 months of silence. This one isn't coming back and I see no benefit to chase someone who doesn't want to be caught. Thankfully, she probably saved me from a world of hurt and for that I'm thankfull. In the meantime, I'm reading a book called "Attached" and find I have a secure relationship style but she has an anxious avoidant style. Not a good mix.
Yes, I wish I hadn't called or texted after that. I do regret my actions but it's too late to fix it. :( My ex and I both need to work on ourselves as we were not as ready for a relationship as we thought we were.
@Shiloh Bell. I was not anxious until I entered into a relationship with my ex DA/FA (I am secure) but I also had to leave her because it was so stressful. Take Care
Wow! This is such a brilliant video. Thanks a million Coach Margaret for the Porcupine theory.. It has really enlightened my understanding... Thank you too Coach Craig.. You guys are the best duo on RU-vid on psychotherapy! 👍☺
Thank you for another fantastic video Coach Margaret and Craig. Would have been an excellent video to watch before my break- up with my ex. I had asked for some space and she got anxious which in turn caused me anxiety....well it unraveled very quickly after that. Hard to believe. Well 5 months later (with no reaching out on both sides) and she barely waves when we meet. WOW, cannot believe it came to that so quickly. Makes me wonder what she is telling her friends when they asked what happened? Well at least now I know thanks to you both. Cheers, Rob
This a great Subject, have been watching you videos since January Craig, they are great But as far as when a woman asks for Space I'm 70 yrs old and I can tell you every single time a woman in my life asked for Space ,, they were already seeing or sleeping with another man !! Sorry guys and everyone here, when your Partner asks for Spsce They are at the very least interested in someone else !! All the Best everyone !!
Absolutely not true. I asked for space multiple times with my ex just so we could have time apart and he could finally miss me since he was avoidant and was super unappreciative of our life and family. He held on tightly until I snapped. Taking space probably would have done amazing things
The weird thing is, my ex said space never works. Space just pushes the problems into the future. Like it’ll be good for a little bit, but then problems will come up again. So when I offered space or a break when he was breaking up with me, he said it wouldn’t work :/
I wish I had seen this video while I was still in the relationship, maybe then I could have salvaged the relationship. I have an inse attachment style and I was wanting to spend every weekend with my ex and he felt suffocated. When he broke up with me, he said that he didn’t want to be with me because I didn’t make him happy.
I did tht.. Told my ex I understand u need space. Let me know how u wanna handle it n wht I should do to help u. But he couldn't value it.. N some can't handle beeing understandable
Coach, do you think you could do a video or point to a resource for when someone shouldn’t do no contact? You’ve mentioned it in a few videos but I’m not sure if there has been one on that specific topic.
Coach Craig, it’s been 5 months and I still think about him. I know he’s not coming back but I just want the feeling to go away. It’s harder now bc I catch myself telling guys who try to get close to me No. We live in the same area and I hired his brother in law before we broke it off.
GLiz 84 some here. With a girl though. I dont know if you can say whether they are or are not coming back, but you have to live like theyre not and do you
Going through this now as I watch this video was hard to separate due to needing space was terrified I was goin to lose her and I ended up doing this for her and still afraid she may just text or call saying it isn’t going to work out but I’m holding strong ! And keeping positive
I actually changed my # for the first time to avoid getting called by someone who I actually do Care for a lot, but he has told me over and over again he doesn't want a commitment. You cannot have something casual with someone you have strong feelings for when they don't want to commit to anything genuine. He blocked me on whatsapp too, but now he can't call and he doesn't know it yet..
Craig can you tell me something? Me and my ex were together for 5.5 years and today is exactly 2 months since she left. we were in a very committed relationship. my question is since we broke up she has seen 3 guys and has slept over at their places from the very start within the first day really. I don't get that at all, why? its almost like she is trying to displace our relationship with that. is that what she is doing? seems extreme. 2 hours later update I just got on tumblr because I like to see what the people I follow share and shes been on this week for the first time in 2 months and shes shared a quote picture saying something along the lines that "I should have never given you my heart........it would have never worked" etc etc. what is she doing? I'm pretty certain its about me but we had a good relationship. is she being emotional? I haven't heard from her in exactly a month since I started no contact. i feel likes shes trying to call me out and make me do something, which i wouldnt do
My ex gf of 15 months wanted indefinite space during her sexual assault trial. After about a month of space, I caught her deleting social media stuff of us and I lost it. Confronted her and she couldn’t explain herself and stated “i just want a break from everything.” Two weeks later, she was hooking up with people left and right. Nothing wrong with space but no contact while in a relationship and being with a terrible communicator was just terrible for me.
This is what im going through now ..im.so hurt very scared ...he says he lives me he text me daily ..looking forward to talking to me .. But by giving them what they want , is that having there cake n eat it too ..? Im just trying to understand all this..I do have abandonment issues ....im doing this what you say ..I fall to sleep listening to you both ..im very thankful to learn things as im studying to be a counsellor myself ..
What if youve been in contact off and on for a couple of months and your ex was responsive, but has no desire to reconcile. Do you go into no contact again? Will it work?
Craig, Im in modified no contact with my wife, ive tried to not talk to her about our relationship, but she has brought it up. I try to tell her how bad I feel about the things shes upset with, and I sympathize with her feelings, but she doesnt seem to want to end the divorce. Weve been married 14 years. I don't know if no contact is working or not.
Do these principles apply to relationships between mothers and adults sons? My 27 year old son is pulling away and I am really hurting. Do you have a video addressing other relationships?
With the couple where the man asked for space for 3 weeks and they didn't break up--how did they maintain closeness during the break? Does the person that asked for space renegage?
is there hope Adrian? please advise. theres no platform to be connecting since he doesn't follow me on any social media and neither did he block me on anything. it has been six months of no contact and I only broke it on new year when I wished him happy new year which he only gave a dead end reply and reciprocate the greetings. that is all. this is an ldr. is there any chance.... idk if we can ever get back. please. I have only been working on myself during the six months and did not behave in a way where I feel I need him anymore. but I haven't stop wanting him in my life. does he not want to chase anymore...
@Coach Craig Kenneth I have the money...I dont know if you remember me but the skype wouldnt work on my laptop...the cam doesnt to go on but you said we could do it by phone call...if i put money on a prepaid card will it work that way as well on your site?I need to talk to you brother...Im not even hoping my x comes back anymore but because I need to talk and make sense of it all.
My bf of 2 years is a non commitment guy well I ripped him my ways and he says I need space I said get a space ship. Love is this a drug free and I love it to you and your man get it together and then ave space he will wonder wat she want space for ? It’s a great big game play well too win
The porcupine story is cozy but in many cases, untenable. The distance between the cozy warmth and the stabbing pain is likely not overlapping and poles apart, resulting in a one sided relationship.
My ex cheated on me at the start of the relationship and when I found out like 5 months after her excuse was she didn't love me then so I took her back because I fell for her, we have just recently split up and she went straight back to the same guy a week after we split up should I take her back if she gets back in contact with me I just feel like I pushed her to do this ?
My ex said she needed time to be with her family. I went NC after i begged and all. After 4 weeks she texted me with a simple hey. Dont know what it means..
Eric Zavala don't ignore it. But don't answer straight away and show too much excitement. Maybe a "hey, how are you?" Is enough and wait for her reply if she doesn't reply don't text again and go NC again
Eric Zavala I might be wrong, but since you did not reply she might have thought you are angry at her and lost interest in her. Maybe somebody here can give you a better advice. But obviously she is open for communication
@@YoungBossEric7 well, you should have responded man! Come on, she came back and texted you and you didn't reply?! What were you going to achieve with not responding? You text her, say, hey, sorry i didn't reply.. i was busy with something at that point.. how are you? Or something like that..
Hi I just really started watching you videos , I'm very confused with my relationship. Me and my boy friend just broke up and I don't know where to starts. I'm just really broken
